Ponyville, We Have a Problem
Derpy Hooves woke up at 3:00 in the morning, but she didn't make any move to get out of bed or return to sleep. Instead she sat there for another two hours, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out life's most ancient and daunting questions.
Why are we here?! What happens after we die?! How do I respond to watermelon Oreos?! Ponies are but a minuscule part of the universe and growing even smaller as the universe expands! Nobody is standing still! Equestria is moving at thousands of kilometers per second around the sun and the solar system is flying around within our galaxy and is moving even faster and faster still! Our galaxy is, as we speak, hurling throughout the universe at an incredible rate! Eventually, we die! That is the end of it! What will become of us when BEES die?! Nothing makes sense! Even the brightest minds of Canterlot can't even begin to wrap their minds around that of the pony brain! World conflicts will never cease! Soon, the world energy crisis will catch up to all of us! And there's nothing we can DO ABOUT IT!
Derpy did all of this in silence, staring up at the ceiling with her eyes wide open and every ounce of hope draining from her, and all thoughts of sleep fled from her mind. She was completely focused on one thing; the impending doom of the pony race. And muffins. Muffins always made everything better.
Twilight Sparkle was up at 3:00 as well, but for a different reason. Her schedule was jam-packed with chores and errands that had been planed out weeks beforehand.
1- Pick up a sofa from that Furniture and Quills store.
2- Attend Pinkie Pie's party at the park.
3- Remodel and reorganize every book in the entire library by alphabetical order.
4- Go to Rarity's and help with sales and dresses.
5- Memorize a new word from the dictionary.
6- Do something with the dead body out back.
7- Don't tell anyone about the dead body.
8- Order the chocolate raspberry cupcakes from that cupcake shop I can never remember the name of.
9- Have lunch.
10- Wake up Spike.
11- Attend Celestia's royal banquet.
12- Visit the annual cider tasting convention.
And so on. (The list included about 50 other things to be done that you don't want to hear about.)
Anyway, Twilight got started on her list with frighting speed. She whipped on her saddlebag, got her coffee, checked her mail, had breakfast, and ran out the door in tree seconds flat. Of course, it being three in the morning and all that, nopony would be up and about, which made it the perfect time to pick up the sofa from Furniture and Quills, which was open 24-7.
She chose to run instead fly because of her lack of practice and experience, but Twilight was still galloping at such a speed that it would have made an Equestria Games sprinter wet his trousers. The store was all the way across town, but she made her way there in a few minutes, using pure determination and also the horror of her not finishing everything on time. Twilight saw the glowing neon OPEN sign hanging in the window of the shop, and sprinted to the finish. Her eyes watered, her hooves were screaming in agony, her lungs were being pushed to the limit.
As the alicorn leaped onto the stone steps she teleported throughout the door, crashing into a lamp and tumbling onto the floor all the while screaming at the clerk, a small green mare wearing half-rimmed glasses, "Im-here-to-pick-up-a-sofa-for-Twilight-Sparkle-please-and-thank-you!" She slammed into the desk and lay on the floor, gasping for air and drenched with sweat and newly-formed bruises.
The clerk stared with an earnest look on her face. "We'er also having a happy hour special. If you buy any two pieces of furniture, then you get one quill, free."
Twilight pondered for a moment, "Can that include my sofa?"
The clerk smiled and nodded, "Yes it can."
As they spoke, a light blue pony with white streaked hair could be spotted roaming in the streets of Ponyville. The stallion wore a black stetson and walked with a limp in his left foreleg, where a jagged scar could be seen running up from the hoof to the shoulder. He watched from a wooden bench as a black-haired, purple coated alicorn with a saddle-bag darted onto the street and into a furniture store. She was graceful in the way she ran, and did so with such speed and agility that he would have wet his trousers if not for the fact that he hadn't drank anything for days. (Or the fact that he didn't wear any trousers.)The pony had no idea how he had gotten there, or why he was wearing a stetson.
This stallion's name, was Bob.
Couch Log Volume 331: Day 73
My quest for The Couch has been unsuccessful in its many past years, but it will end SOON, I can feel it in my bones.
I have received word of a magical couch being spotted in the Everfree Forest. I remember venturing into the Everfree before, when I was a foal.A dangerous place, it is. The weather happens without the pegasi controlling it and the animals don’t need anypony to take of them. But, I would do anything to get that Celestia-forsaken couch, including going in such a place as the Everfree Forest.
This mission has nearly driven me mad, but I will find it. And, by some miracle, I will get it back to Celestia. The couch MUST be found soon, or I may go completely insane. I've started talking to rocks.
There is a small town near the Everfree called Ponyville. I have figured that I could stay there for lodging and supplies. People tell me there are some pretty nice ponies there, too. I wonder how my wife and children are doing.
Sometimes I wonder what The Couch looks like. How many pillows does it have? How long is it? Is it leather? A sectional? What color is it? I wonder if Celestia remembers me. I think it might have been 60 years since I left, so anything cold have happened.
My whole entire life has been dedicated to this. My entire life has been spent wasting away, looking for this couch. In Couch Log 37, I have placed all of the clues, hints, and bits of information pointing to the location of The Couch. I am sure that it is either somewhere in the Everfree forest, or in Ponyville.
Day 74
I have abandoned my camping site and set off for the forest, carrying high hopes for the road ahead. After heading into Ponyville for supplies, I now have a pocket knife, a map, emergency rations, and a souvenir keychain with a little light on the end of it.
Rumors say that the couch is in a dark cave in the heart of the forest. My hooves trotted over to the thick lining of trees that marked a natural wall to the Everfree. My knife sliced a hole through it and I plunged into the dense mass of vegetation. Making my way into the very center of it all, my leg got suck in something that felt like a cross between a mud pit and my mom's cherry pie. My eyes looked to the floor and widened as they saw my leg stuck in a rotting, squishy carcass of a baby manticore. Well, in its jaws, anyway. I nudged the dead body away and continued on. Several miles into the hike, my legs ached and the my saddlebag was rubbing away my coat. I made a camp under a tree, had a bite, and covered myself in a blanket as I fell asleep.
Couch Log Volume 257: Day 1
Hello, my name is Bob. Bob Treasurehoof, to be exact. I have a wife named Elm Sprout and two beautiful children named Joe and Stan. I am a light blue pony with a navy blue mane with a white streak running the length of it. Along with my Chestnut eyes, I have a sword next to a map for my Cutie Mark.
Why am I telling you this? Because, when I was a foal I loved to go on lots of adventures and find treasure and awesome stuff like that. That's how I got my Cutie Mark. Anyway, during my adolescence, I still went on adventures in the forest and stuff, but I refined my tracking skills, hunting skills, and strength and endurance from many years of scaling cliffs, running from and fighting monsters, and swimming through deadly rapids with my loot. By my late teens I had discovered a sizable amount of treasure and was trekking across Equestria. Later, when I was Twenty years old, I had become well known for my treasure hunting skills. Later that heart, Princess Celestia herself sent me a royal summons:
Dear Bob Treasurehoof, It been brought to my concern that a dark evil has been building up in the frozen North. There is only one thing that can destroy this power - magical couch. It has been woven with an much more powerful magic. I would search for it myself, but my duties as a princess have kept me on my hooves. Of course, I came to you, but you must possess equipment of equal or greater power in order to handle the couch.
That is why I have summoned you to my kingdom. I have all of the necessary tools and supplies for your journey. I am not sure for certain, but I believe that the Couch is -
That was all. The location of the couch was smudged out by an ink stain. As I was saying I'm telling you all of this because I poured through legends and myths of a magical couch,ad the only ones I found said something that Princess Celestia had completely overlooked: The finder of The Couch will have no memory of his journey or his goal.
Of course, I couldn't overlook this, but my new treasure hunt was the most important of all, and I couldn't let Celestia down. So, without knowing the location of The Couch and knowing there was definite chance that I would not succeed, I set off.
That was 50 years ago...