I have feelings. Ones that I will never escape. The feelings that torment me, bringing the worst times of my life. While some think I am a useless creature, the opposite is true. My thoughts are deeper, more complex than the average pony's. I guess it's because I'm not a pony; I'm an alligator. My mind becomes a swirl of emotion that ends in one thought: gone. She will be remembered in my mind forever. Rest in peace Pinkamena Dianne Pie.
Why did she have to go? Why did she leave me here, alone? Why couldn't she have stayed? Why can't I escape this? Why?
Her presence still lingers here. It won't leave me alone. Constantly haunting me, reminding me that I am without her. That beautiful pony, with a smile that would brighten anyone's day. Her pink mane that curled and bounced perfectly. The bright blue eyes that you could drown in. The pony with enough energy for one hundred ponies. The three shining balloons on her flank. Why was all that torn away from me?
We could have lived out our lives, enjoying each day as it came. Her life was cut much to short. It also deeply impacted mine, causing misery and hopelessness. Misery is an understatement. It was the worst thing I have ever gone through. I hope the future carries better things to come.
There is just so much that time cannot erase. The memories will stick forever. A painful burden that I must carry for the rest of my life. There aware so many happy times together, which are now bitter. I try so hard to tell myself that she are gone; that she will never return. It only results in more pain for me to carry. The baggage that all must carry after death.
The silence is the hardest. I try to distract myself with her friends useless chatter. A face tries to work its way into my mind, but I shut it out, using all my willpower. When there is nothing to consume my attention, my life falls apart. Thoughts of her rip me to pieces. I'm completely alone without her, my life spiraling into darkness, imprisoning me.
She was my light; the cheerful part of my life. Most think that my missing teeth were just a genetic abnormality. They're wrong. I didn't have the ability to regrow teeth as most alligators did. I was abused, tortured, harassed. All that changed when the bubble gum mare came into my life. She nursed me back to health, became my one and only trusted pony. We had been inseparable since then. I never left her side... Until that awful day. The day of the incident.
I can't bring myself to think about it. Her face haunts my most pleasant dreams. Her voice chases away the happy moments. I have no one left in my world who cares even close to as much as she did. She was my happiness. She was all I had.
Most think that I am lonely. They're wrong. She is always with me, even after death. She is still with me. It's been almost a year. Her presence is torment and happiness at the same time. It makes me think of cheerful memories and times together, which ultimately lead me back to the painful death.
I need a reason to believe in hope. So far, there is not light in my world, no reason to hold hope or faith in my clutches. I have let depression take hold of me, pulling me close. All my fears growing over my head, increasing the depression holding me, causing me to flounder and struggle.
Clinging to reality, hoping the world would ease up. I stayed strong, knowing that's what she would want.
Fluttershy was the pony kind enough to take me in after the incident. I knew she loved me, but we never had one on one time. She had too many other animals to care for. She was one of the sweetest ponies I had ever met, but she just wasn't Pinkie, and never could be. She was quiet, which was something that took quite a bit of time to become accustomed to. Even with all her animal friends, I felt alone.
When I was upset, Pinkie would cuddle with me. When I was confused, she would help me. When I was happy, she would party with me. There are so many things that she did that will never be the same for me. Parties are just a happy thought to most, but a saddening memory for me.
Cheerfulness seems to evade me, like a prey hides from it's predator. My life is like a dark labyrinth. It will stay dark as I wander around, becoming more lost and confused by the moment. I know there is an escape out there somewhere. A place where my dark times will come to an end, but I must find it before my worries and fears will leave.
Will she stay with me? Will I get a happy moment again? Will I ever see her again? Will I be appreciated? Will I have friends? Will I?
I bite my tongue. I hold my breath. I fake a smile, fighting through the pain. I am finally starting to gain on my constant battle. Memories seem a bit sweeter, the light seems a bit brighter, the breeze seems a bit warmer. I can do it. I'll get through it.
I can only do so much as I build up before I come crashing back down. Little by little, I begin to rebuild, bettering my life. Pain and sorrow would still grab hold, but instead of falling into their embrace, I would fight.
How long would this continue? How would I keep going? How should I be brave? How can I keep going when I'm afraid to fall? How?
I'm one step closer. I've died everyday for her, but it's slowing down. I will always love her, but I must move on. I won't let anyone one take away the light that is in front of me. I must get there and claim it as mine.
Most would think I'm broken. They're wrong. I was completely shattered, my world falling apart. Now I am stepping closer and closer to my happiness. Now I'm winning this battle. I haven't won yet, but I'm getting there.
My heart beats fast. There are colors in front of my eyes. The black has gone away, leaving me in a happier state than I have been in years. The light is coming back, the smiles are coming back. A little piece of her has stayed with me, but not the ever persistent sadness that usually stuck by its side. She's not my ghost anymore. She no longer haunts me.
I've learned to live again. To have feelings. To grow stronger. I will never fall back into the arms of those who tried to take hold of me. My wounds finally seemed to heal. They will always have scars, and sadness still clings to me, but I have learned to go on.
I'm still a little bit unsure at times, but I keep pushing on. The memory if her laughing face driving me forward instead of pulling me back. The spark in my eyes has returned. I feel free, away from my dark prison.
At a glance, I seem so simple. A long green body, with two purple eyes. A regular alligator is often what I am mistaken for. I am anything but ordinary. My eyes seem like purple, but with a closer look, you will be unable to tell. I'm very interesting and hard to know. If you ask me if I knew myself; I'd lie. I would tell you I did, but the truth is, I have no idea. I used to think I would be stuck in darkness forever, but I managed to surprise myself. I pulled myself out, conquering my biggest and most daunting obstacle I will ever face.
My life is not by any means as good as it used to be, but it is tolerable. The light has returned, and so has my happiness. Pinkie will never be back, and that is something I must cope with, but I'm managing okay.
Ponies think a lot of things about me, but they are almost all wrong. I struggle against the assumptions, but they often don't bother me too much. I live my life and move on from the tough spots. The past is the past. I don't live in it. The future is the future. I don't live in it. I live In the present, walk along remembering the past but not obsessing over it, and think about the future, but not too much to ruin the present. Most think that I'm happy again. They're right.
