Chapters Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis
Chapter One: On the Verge of Insanity
Chapter One: On the Verge of Insanity
Disclaimer: We all know who owns My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Or maybe we all don't; but I can tell you I don't, cause I'm poor! Also, there is some language, and references to more adult topics. You have been warned!
Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis
Author: RandomEncounter
Editors: 00Lizard and Meliron
~'.'~'.'~
I always hated writing papers in school. Not because I sucked at them; quite the opposite in fact. No, the reason I always hated papers is I suck at beginning them. I can write really well after the beginning. But it is always the beginning that made the bottle of tequila I kept on my desk look so appealing.
And that's the crucial part, the beginning of the story. It's the hook! The means of grabbing your attention! Without it, why would you keep reading? I cannot count the number of times a good story lost my attention because the first few paragraphs sucked.
...
Oh, where are my manners? Here you are listening to my rambles about the useless and mundane nuisances of storytelling and you don't even know a damn thing about me. That is just being a poor host on my part.
So... where shall I begin then? A name, maybe? Well, my name is Shaun Andrew Davis. Very unassuming name if I do say so myself. Age next, perhaps? I’m currently twenty-two at the moment. Interestingly enough, that factors into my current predicament.
Hmm, I suppose I should make sure that you know I’m male, just in case the name was not any indication to go by. I’d like to give you some credit and say you knew that and it was obvious... but then I might be setting myself up for disappointment. As a side note, I'd also like to think I am handsome, though my current status as "single" makes me question otherwise.
Let's see, what's next... ah! I'm currently employed at Best Buy, working full time while finishing up a certification to teach to young minds. Turns out getting a Bachelor's in History only ensured I'd be working at this hell hole for another year and a half while I made myself more "marketable." Well, really any Liberal Arts degree seems to suffer from this problem.
... But at least I didn't go for an Art degree.
Wait, hold on, just one second; please put that chair down! Now... before you grab a torch and pitchfork, I'm not saying that all of these degrees are worthless. I'm just saying that society at large may simply undervalue the study of the Arts and the Liberal Arts. And it's not like having an Art degree is bad either.
The manager at my local GameStop has one and he's doing just fine!
Anyway, I apologize for my story starting out like this. I can assure you, on a regular day I manage to keep my swearing and snarky nature to a minimum. Buuuuuuuuut, screw that. At the moment, this isn't a normal day... oh, and I'm hungover. So deal with it, I'll be better tomorrow... maybe. I mean, I haven't even told you what's happening to me right now, have I?
Maybe you'll forgive me then!
… Or maybe not. At this point in time your opinion doesn't matter to me much. Well, maybe a little... okay a freaking lot. I am telling you my story after all. Throwing me a bone of pity would be nice considering the situation I currently find myself in.
Moving on, let's establish the setting next. I’m not quite sure where I am exactly, but currently I seem to be tied up in an admittedly cushiony dungeon of a castle that looks like something my six-year old niece could have thought up. The type that just casually hangs off the side of a mountain, basically defying most laws of physics and stone construction. Little things like that...
On a side note, I really wish whoever had built this place had not installed a window in this cell. Hell, if Walt Disney could've seen this place while strung out on meth, even he would have said, "Yeah, that castle looks like a fucking bad idea." Oh, and the best part is... I'm stuck in the middle of this damn deathtrap waiting to happen!
'Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!'
...
... Ehem, you'll have to accept my apologies, I'm still somewhat freaking the hell out here.
Anyway, where were we? … Oh yeah! Did I happen to mention that this place is filled with talking ponies? No, seriously, talking ponies. Wait a moment, take a breath, and let that sink in. Freaking... talking... alive as you and me... although maybe I'm dead and this is my hell... ponies. And sadly, the only thing I can think of at the moment is screw you, Will Smith, I have your 'weird-shit-o-meter' topped at the moment.
Ah, Men in Black, good stuff. Well... the first movie at least.
… No, I’m not drunk or high either, so just don’t even ask that. I may have been one of those earlier, but I assure you that I am in full control of my faculties. At least at this particular moment. That could change at any time with how things are going...
Okay, I’ll admit that I get sidetracked a lot, so sue me. This is my mind, and you are partaking of its intricacies. If I had a damn to give, I would pity you right now. I’m being serious too! One damn, and it would be yours. I mean, even in a normal situation, I would consider a trip through my thoughts some form of cruel and unusual punishment. And let’s face it... this isn’t normal at the moment.
At least I'm not the only one suffering, heh.
So yeah, back to me being stuck in a castle full of talking ponies. I've got to concentrate more on the topic at hand, lest you decide to up and leave this tale of mine. Please don’t, however, I need the human companionship!
Now, you may ask how did I, a seemingly average human, end up here in a mythical land of talking equines? Oh, I'm sure you are sitting there expecting a grand tale, filled with mystery, adventure, excitement, and wonder. And from the bottom of my heart, I wish I could give you that. No, I’m being serious. I really I do. Sadly though, all I have to say is... too bad, it happened fast and I was drunk for all of it!
That's right, you get a story, pieced together entirely from my memory, with an added bonus of a built in beer goggles perspective. You must feel so lucky at this point in time.
~'.'~'.'~
Now, let’s see here. What I remember clearly is that yesterday was my twenty-second birthday. Thank you for the happy birthday you more than likely thought of saying; and if you didn’t think that I don’t care - you did in my mind.
So, as many of us young males are prone to do, my idea of celebrating a birthday being young and over the age of twenty-one involved going to a bar with my good friends and being entertained with bottle after bottle of beer. Also, glass after glass of something. Not too sure what at that point in time...
If you think that you have a better idea how to celebrate a birthday... no you don't.
Now, my friends and I are a responsible lot and no one can say otherwise. We naturally did not drive to the bar, but instead walked, knowing that we would be stumbling back home. I mean, hell, no one wants to be the designated driver; that always freaking sucks. And better stumbling than drunk driving, right? I mean, I'm not afraid of something bad happening to me while drunk driving, it almost never happens that way. Rather, it seems everything bad happens mostly to the victims of drunk driving instead. That has never made sense to me.
Was that a bit too morbid? Sorry, but like I said, you are getting a full dose of my mind. Abandon hope, all who enter.
Back to the story. So, at the bar we had initiated a war of extermination against any and all alcohol in front of us. It was brutal, and no prisoners were taken. After a few rounds I was sure each bottle was screaming at me for mercy. Let's just say, many a six pack were mourning the loss of a loved one that evening.
Towards two in the morning, details... well, they start to get a little blurry. I think I remember Josh getting sick and throwing up in the stall marked "out of order" in the bathroom. Chris was wasted and hitting on a six that dressed like she had at least two STD's. And Danny, the most sober of us all, damn him to hell, had just picked a fight with the bartender. A few minutes later and the bouncers had expertly shown why they are named such.
Not leaving Danny to hang, and fearing the arrival of the cops, I came to the realization that it was probably a good time to leave at that point. After dragging Josh out of the fine establishment, we both picked him up, slinging an arm over each of our shoulders, and proceeded to haphazardly make our way back home.
As for Chris, he was nowhere to be seen, and I could only assume that he and that six were preoccupied in a bathroom stall. Or janitor’s closet. Or maybe he would actually make it to someone's bed this time. Or even his own bed! You never know... miracles do happen. Right?
Stumbling along down the streets, we eventually dropped Josh off at his house first. Well, by at his house I mean we left him in the front yard. And by dropped... well I do mean dropped. He'll be okay though. Our ancestors used to live in the wild after all. One night in the open won't harm him. Besides, his wife would wake up in the morning and drag him inside for us. No harm, no foul. And she is a sweetie... aside from the fact that she keeps nagging him to get new friends. Apparently our alcohol excursions were taking their toll on his marriage.
Oh well, not my problem.
Danny was luckier than Josh. By the time we had arrived at his house, he had regained most of his senses, so he was able to get the key in the door, wave goodbye, call me a few... “friendly” names, and make his way inside. As I began to stumble the last block to my apartment I could hear a crash from inside Danny's house. It was quickly followed by a light turning on and high pitched screaming; like the wails of a banshee.
Okay, so maybe Danny wasn't as lucky... his girlfriend was not so sweet.
I continued on, not really noticing the tiny droplets of water landing on me. It wasn't until a moment later, when a loud boom overhead got my attention, I realized a storm was coming. I recall feeling it begin rain... and then holding my hand out, palm up, to check to make sure it was raining.
...
Remember, I had dulled senses and was drunk. Tired of telling you these things...
Now, had I been sober, I might very well have cared about the dangers of being in a thunderstorm. Yet, as we have already established, I was not sober, and perhaps as far from it as I could be and still stand up straight-ish. So were you to ask, what possessed me to laugh, pick up a nearby tree branch from someone's front yard, and scream "I have the power ," at the top of my lungs, I would be unable to give you a good answer. Well, aside from I was freaking drunk .
Will that be acceptable? Yes? Good, moving on.
There was a white flash, followed by a loud boom, and I suddenly found myself free-falling, being pulled, pushed, squished, and flipping all at the same time. It only lasted for a few seconds, and luckily my alcohol stayed down during the process.
And just like that I found myself landing somewhat roughly on a cold stone surface. "The fucking hell," was all I managed to get out. I opened my eyes to see myself in what looked like a meeting room of sorts. Oh, and it was full of small white armored horses, err ponies; all of them wide eyed and staring at me.
Well, if this is what drunk Shaun's brain wants, I'll be very obliged to entertain the nuisance.
I slowly stood up, wobbling a bit trying to stay upright, dusted myself off, and tried to look as non-hostile as possible. I paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and slurred, "We come in peace. Take... me to your leader. Re-s... sistance is... futile."
Needless to say, the armored ponies were kind enough to help me with my balance issues, quickly forcing me to the ground for my safety. Though, really it wasn't necessary for all seven of them to pin me in a pony pile. I guess they thought I might hurt myself otherwise. I most assuredly however, would be perfectly fine on my own. In fact, I could already see the darkness quickly coming on to help with the whole process...
~'.'~'.'~
Well, now that we have caught up to the present situation, perhaps you've pardoned some of my....strange ways. I mean, honestly, ask yourself if you would have done better in my situation. Maybe you would have, although perhaps some of you may have vomited on the floor instead. Remember, I was really wasted when the whole lightning ride to another dimension happened. Do you think that was a smooth ride? Trust me, it wasn't. If you want to know what it was like, go drink yourself silly, then ride a roller coaster. The experience would be similar.
Sure, I had wondered why I had woken up, bound, in a cell that looked appropriate in a mental institution. I may have had a hard time for a moment accepting the fact that the guards outside were armored pony pegasi that stood half my height. And yeah, I might have temporarily lost control of my senses and ability to think, and screamed random incoherent thoughts for the better part of an hour or so when one of the guards asked me to be quiet. But, all in all, I'd say I did a damn fine job of accepting the situation after that initial breakdown.
Perhaps the situation would have been better if, when I first arrived, I hadn't somehow managed to appear in the middle of the guards barracks. Fate has it in for me it seems.
I'm not sure how much time had passed before I heard voices outside my cell door. There was a clunk of the door being unlocked, and four of those Pegasus guards entered my cell. Not long after a new pony, one that was much taller, with wings... and a unicorn's horn I kid you not, entered.
She, I assumed it was a she as her pastel rainbow colored hair suggested, was followed by a small purple unicorn
Through skillful deduction, and the fact that tall one was wearing a freaking tiara, I surmised I was either in the presence of the pony ruler, or the equivalent of their royalty. That was my best guess at least. And if you think I'm being an idiot then how about this: what would you say if I asked whether or not ponies were ruled by winged unicorns?
Yeah, no answer, huh? I thought so...
The ruler pony looked at me with a small smile before saying, "My name is Princess Celestia. I'm an alicorn, to answer your question. And yes, I am also the leader of this country you find yourself in, Equestria."
"Oh, that makes sense," I nodded before blinking and looking at her strangely. "But... I didn't ask any of that out loud..." It took me a few confused seconds to realize the impossible, although after today I will need to redefine that particularly troublesome word - it was failing me horribly at the moment. Anyway, back to the main point... I think this "alicorn" had just read my mind.
Or at least I thought she did. Perhaps she just assumed that I did not know what she was and was simply being informative? I mean, damn, it would be bad if she could read my thoughts, right? The last thing I need is a fairy tale ruler seeing my mind. Especially if she saw images of the ex and I going at it in bed. I mean, the sex was good, but the bitch was ultimately crazy. No, really, she apparently had a nervous breakdown a few months after we broke up. And no, it wasn't my fault; she just couldn't reconcile with the restraining order. But wait... if this alicorn can read minds then...
I looked at the princess in front of me, and was only slightly surprised when I saw her eyes widened slightly, with a faint blush creeping onto her cheeks. Well, good going Shaun; less than a day here and I've just scarred the ruler of this... Equestria.
Celestia covered her mouth with a hoof and coughed. "Yes, well, I believe I will be more careful around your thoughts from now on. You have a 'unique' mind to say the least."
'Really? I would have used the phrase "artistic." Meh, to each their own...'
"You know, I don't think I'm comfortable with the whole invasion of my mind thing. And judging from the look on your face, you don't seem to be either." To her credit, the alicorn pony thing looked away sheepishly, or perhaps just couldn't make eye contact with me anymore.
Every pony in the room seemed to freeze slightly at the casual tone in my voice. Apparently they weren't used to anything talking to their princess like that. The purple one standing next to her especially seemed annoyed as she slightly narrowed her eyes at me. Celestia, however, simply waved off their concerns about my behavior.
"Yes, I have to agree, perhaps we shall keep this meeting in the realm of words only then?” she commented with an obviously forced smile.
‘Yeah,’ I thought cheerfully, ‘you play with fire and you are bound to get burned. Human one, alicorn thing zero.’
"Can I ask if you have a name and where you come from?"
I cleared my throat with a cough, and attempted to sound as professional as possible in my current position. "My name is Shaun Davis. I'm from Earth, North America, The United States of America, Georgia, Cumming."
… Yeah, screw all of you too cause I know what you are thinking. It's a real damn place, I assure you. Look it up.
"Okay," she smiled and nodded her head, "I'll pretend I understood anything you just said."
'Wait... did she really say that... ?'
"How did you end up appearing in the middle of my guards' barracks?" she asked kindly, though I can assume this question was perhaps one of the more important ones.
I thought about everything carefully for a moment... before I closed my eyes and shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine. One minute I'm walking home, happily drunk... or I assume I was happily drunk. The next minute I'm slurring a number of cheesy science-fiction first contact references to a group of ponies."
"I see," I could see her think for a moment, before shaking her head, "it sounds magical in nature, but I do not have enough information to know for sure at this point in time. I'm sorry to say, but I've never heard of an event even remotely similar to this happening before."
‘Well gee, way to instill hope there, Princess...'
"If I didn't just get thrown into a world of ponies and have my mind touched in weird places by a talking alicorn pony, I would probably find the explanation of 'magic' hard to swallow."
This seemed to catch everyone in the room off guard this time. The princess stared at me curiously before asking, "What do you mean by that statement?"
'It wasn't obvious enough?' I thought sarcastically. "Well, simply put, the concept of magic exists where I come from, but at the same time it doesn’t exist. It’s basically fiction."
'I’ll admit though... sex comes close.'
Celestia regarded me again, this time somewhat puzzled. "Then, if you do not have magic from where you come from, how does your world work?" 'Seriously? What kind of question is that?'
"It just...does?" I half-heartedly said. Really, I have no idea how to answer that without going into a long and more than likely boring spiel on physics. 'Hey, you trade places with me and see if you do any better.'
Also... I failed physics in high school. So... yeah. Probably not the best person to explain these concepts anyway.
"I see," she seemed to be deep in thought this time. It took a moment for her to turn her attention back to me this time. "May I ask why none of this is bothering you?"
"Princess," my tone accidentally came off as slightly condescendingly, once again drawing the ire of all the ponies present by the Princess herself. “You didn’t hear me for the first hour I was awake, did you?"
She smiled slightly, and chuckled at that question. "No, not personally. However,” she looked at me with no small amount of amusement, “it was reported to me that you had become somewhat... vocal. I felt it best to meet you when you had finally calmed down to assess whether you are a threat to my little ponies."
"Well... am I a threat?" I asked out of curiosity; I was hoping the answer would be no of course. After all, I don't think being considered a threat in an unknown place by unknown beings would be conducive to a long and productive life.
The princess' paused a moment to consider the question, then shook her head. "I do not feel you are a threat, or that you are here by your own free will. That said, I do not know enough about your kind in general, or you in particular, to make a final decision on the matter."
'Final decision, eh? Why do I not like the sound of that?'
"Unfortunately, as I am the head of state I cannot dedicate enough time to you alone to find out. Hence, I brought my personal student, Twilight Sparkle, with me. She will be able to help with answering any questions you may have, as well as asking a few of our own. Twilight, I leave the rest in your capable hooves.
"Good day, Shaun Davis, I will set aside some time tomorrow to visit and see how you are adjusting." She smiled slightly before saying, "I would also ask that you keep any further mental breakdown to a minimum, please. My guards are already nervous enough around you." She gave a small chuckle, and with that, Celestia and two of her guards left the cell, leaving her eager looking protégé and two guards with me.
The purple unicorn walked up to me and pleasantly introduced herself. "Hello, I'm Twilight Sparkle and-"
"Yes yes, I was here when the princess introduced you in case you were not aware of that. Perhaps we should get started with this game of twenty questions?" Okay, so maybe that came off as a little grumpy. I am grumpy after all. And it didn't seem to bother her either.
I saw Sparky's face break into an impossibly wide grin. "Well then, we need to hurry. I have a lot of questions for you, but the palace doctors need to give you a physical exam before we can do that. There's no telling what the displacement you experienced might have done to your body. We'll talk after that."
"Alright, that seems li- wait, what?" I asked as her words started to sink in.
...
'Oh fuck my life...'
~'.'~'.'~
I felt violated. I mean, really violated. And don't give me that look. Hell, you would feel violated too if a childhood fantasy creature had just asked you to "turn your head and cough." And ladies, if you don't understand that, don't complain when we guys don't understand your references from now on. Fair is fair, right? Anyway, I'll never complain about airport security every time I have to fly again; at least they try to pretend they are "privately" invading your privacy.
Well... if I get to fly again. Got to solve the small problem of getting home first. That's a particularly annoying impediment there.
Thankfully, the examination hadn't been more invasive than it already was. Just some blood samples, a few reflex tests, fondling me in places that no pony should have ever touched. And I had even convinced them that it was culturally offensive having anyone else but the doctor in the room for the examination. Though, just out of spite from the powers that be, I had somehow ended up with a mare doctor. How could this situation have been anymore awkward?
I’m happy though that they at least they didn't tie me up again after the examination was over. Plus, I figure the princess will at least give me some dinner for going through all of this. Might be pushing my luck asking for a movie though...
I was escorted to a modest sized meeting room after leaving the doctor, and only had to wait a moment before inquisitor purple walked into the room with a stack of paper, ink, and a few quills floating behind her.
I had initially asked her if I could be sent home. She was kind, and responded in a roundabout way, what my mind translated to: we don't know where you come from, don't know how you got here, don't know where to begin, and sadly you are fucked. Like I said, her version was much nicer... still put me in a bad mood either way. Doesn't mean I would give up hope. On the contrary, I will simply endure and assume that perhaps one day they'll find a way to help me out.
Though, if you forced me I wasn't going to bet on that happening.
But, before any of that, I have to survive. No small feat, I assure you. Not when every possible second, you are looking at the balcony of the room you are currently in, debating whether there is a god or not. And if so, whether he would forgive you for jumping off said balcony in the face of all the questions the purple unicorn was asking. I mean, are we talking about a kind and forgiving god, or a "don't screw with me" one. Would it matter either way? Oh, and remember the hangover? Yeah... that jump is looking really tempting at the moment.
Now, I did mention earlier I have a Bachelors in History, a practically useless thing it seemed in the human world. But here? Oh no no no. Having someone that has studied the history of my world had made the little purple unicorn of torment quiver with excitement. And let me tell you, that does not look pretty. I thought she was literally having an orgasm at first. Seriously, creepy...
At first the questions were simple. What are you? How old are you? Are you male or female? That one bothered me actually; you would think it was apparent. Then her questions started to focus on bigger issues. How big was the world? How many countries? How many humans are there? My answer of nearly seven billion shut her up for a moment. I don't know if she believed me or not.
She then asked why was I able to speak Equestrian. I asked her in turn how she was able to speak in English. There was a bit of a debate over the name of the language after that. In the end, we did not resolve the naming issue, and we still had no idea how we could communicate. A textbook example of futility. Although, I know I'm right and she's just too stubborn to admit she is speaking English. Oh well, it happens to the best of us.
Looking back, you would have thought that was one the first oddities I picked up on. Well, after the ponies, and thunder sending me to another dimension. Ya know what, forget that. Do I need to remind you I had other things on my mind aside from why they could communicate with me, and vice versa?
Moving on.
Thankfully she continued to stay away from the history of the world for the moment. I imagine she was much more curious about the current state of affairs for humanity than she was about our history for the time being. But the level of curiosity she displayed told me I was only temporarily dodging that bullet.
When she began to ask about my country's government, I had already begun to have enough. Hell, I'm tired, hungover, and in a bad mood now. Might as well have fun at her expense on this one.
A few minutes later, and somehow I had managed to keep a straight face throughout my entire explanation. I think I may have blown Sparky's mind.
"So let me get this straight... your government is comprised of three branches. One branch is made up of nine 'demigods' with no real oversight that arbitrarily decide the legality of whatever legislation that comes before them in judicial proceedings. The second branch consists of two parts, one the equivalent of a chicken coop full of headless chickens trying to cluck each other to death, and the other is basically a ‘steaming pile’," the unicorn paused, and I couldn't help but inwardly chuckle at the look of confusion on her face. It was priceless.
"Well, whatever that means. And the final branch is headed by someone that continuously looks for ways to undermine or add loopholes to the framework of your government. Forgive me for saying, but this doesn't sound like a functioning way of governing to me in the least. Are you sure this is right?" she questioned hesitantly, almost as if she hopefully had misheard me a number of times while taking her notes on key details.
I found the perplexed look on her face somewhat cute. "Eh, close enough for a brief overview," I remarked casually and shrugged. 'What can I say, I'm a cynical smartass.' "But yeah, I may have left out a number of intricate details on how my government works. We can discuss those later though. How about I ask you some questions for the moment? I have a few that are sort of a pressing concern to me. I'm sure you must understand that little fact, right?"
She blushed, apparently aware that she had not given me the chance to ask anything in return. I wonder if she was also aware that I do not believe I had seen her breathe once during our exchange. "Oh, of course. I'm sorry; I can't help myself when I discover something new. I just don't stop until I've figured it out. Feel free to ask me anything!"
I opened my mouth to voice my offense at her remark, but chose instead to keep my disdain to myself. ‘Really, she could at least refer to me as more than a 'thing' or 'it' by now, right?’
"I’m going to go out on a limb here...” the unicorn looked at me strangely, obviously unfamiliar with that particular saying, “but I take it you don't eat meat at all, right?"
Her ears drooped a little and her face was one of mixed surprise and disgust. "N-no, ponies don't eat meat. I assume that... you do?"
"Not strictly," I mumbled half heartedly. 'Though right now I am craving a thick juicy bacon cheeseburger...'
"Umm... I’m sorry to ask this,” she said with some trepidation, “but... I should make sure. You w-wouldn’t eat a pony by any chance?"
I scoffed. 'Aww cute, Sparky seems a tad bit afraid...' "No," I replied as sarcastically as I could while trying to reassure her. 'Well, maybe if this was the Hunger Games...'
She visibly relaxed at that answer, "Can you survive without eating meat?"
'Would I want to?' I thought bitterly, then sighed. "I will constantly complain, but as long as I get the right nutrients somehow... then yes." Well, I say that but once again the only thing I can think of is, 'Seriously, where can I get a damn bacon cheeseburger at this point?'
"Oh... that's... good then." Her voice still contained a hint of nervousness, but she visibly relaxed. The guards around us, however, looked even more ready to jump me at a moment's notice than before.
"Next question, do you have any alcoholic drinks?" I asked with no small amount of hope in my voice. 'Yes, I know, you are right. A question of this magnitude should have been the first one I asked.'
"Er ... we use alcohol to sterilize wounds and medical instruments," replied the little destroyer of hopes and dreams.
'Yeah, this is hell, just as I thought...'
"Hmm, different alcohol, poisonous when ingested... although..." I remembered back to a story my grandfather told me of his time in Vietnam when a buddy of his had strained rubbing alcohol through a loaf of bread to drink. Must have been really desperate for that drink. Didn't do a damn thing to the alcohol though, still the same shit that went into the bread. Still screwed up his buddy good. Almost a case of natural selection kicking in. "Never mind, not that desperate yet. Anyway, final question. How long has this hanging deathtrap of a castle been here?"
Sparky's left eye twitched. "Hanging... deathtrap of a castle? I have no clue what you are talking about. Canterlot," I could see her emphasizing that name with a hefty amount of annoyance, "has been around for roughly a thousand years. This place is perfectly safe, expertly designed, and aesthetically pleasing."
I tried my best not to burst out laughing at the name "Canterlot." Apparently I had already hit one nerve too many. I held my hands up in a placating gesture, hoping she understood what I meant and I was not in fact giving her the pony equivalent of the middle finger. "Sorry, this place just frightens me. Everything I've seen in my world tells me this building should just come tumbling down. Hell, now that I'm here, Murphy might find it a good time to invoke his law."
"Murphy? Law? What are you talking about?" she asked inquisitively.
'Ah Sparky, ignorance is bliss...'
"Yes, it is the single most important law in the universe. All other advancements in any field of knowledge are bound to this one cosmic truth." Was I stretching the truth a bit? Perhaps.
If I had thought she was having an orgasm earlier, the look she now gave me made me feel dirty. Visual rape is not a pretty sight. Especially coming from a unicorn pony. A child's dream come true, unicorn pony. This is very awkward.
I coughed and tried to ignore the disturbing visage on her face. "It's very simple. If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
The look on her face went from creepy excited to depressed annoyed almost instantly. Sparky is so easy to mess around with. Almost not even fair; and if I were a nicer person I might not have this wide grin plastered on my face at the moment.
"Really," the unicorn huffed and flatly responded, "that doesn't sound like much of a 'cosmic law' if you ask me."
'Oh ye of little faith...'
I shrugged at her, before nonchalantly asking, "Well, I described my system of government for you, right?"
"Yes," she trailed off, still annoyed but curious as to where this was going.
"Then you already have a concrete example of Murphy's Law in action to study. So, I'd recommend you apply that law to the study of humanity. Things will make much more sense to you then."
Sparky cocked her head to the side. "O... kay?"
'Perhaps I blew her mind this time?' I thought wryly, before yawning. "Anyway, I'm very tired Sparky..."
"Twilight Sparkle ," she ground out in an annoyed tone.
"Sparkle, Sparky, Sparkler" I waved my left hand dismissively, "all the same thing when you don't care. Anyway, as I was saying before you decided to rudely interrupt me ... I'm tired. It's late, and I would like to go to sleep. Also, can you get me a toothbrush, toothpaste, and some soap. I feel filthy and I smell like a barn. So, I would really like to get a shower or bath, then go to sleep."
"Oh," I watched as her ears drooped a little in disappointment, her annoyance at my nickname seemingly forgotten for the moment. It was somewhat adorable. Wait... does that mean my man card should be revoked now?
"I'll have someone get you those items by tomorrow," she said as she turned to look out the window, finally taking notice that the sun had long since set. "I guess we can continue this later as well."
I wanted to tell her I'd be fine if we didn't continue the barrage of questions. I had a feeling though that my protests would fall on deaf ears.
Sparky let out a sigh and looked back at her stack of papers. "I suppose I'll start compiling my notes so far, as well as the sketches the doctor made of you after your examination. It's been a while since a new species has been discovered and the Equestrian Zoology Society is meeting next week. I'm sure they'll be excited to see not only the sketches, but her notes on the measurements she took of your reflexes, blood pressure, weight, and physical characteristics!"
"Well good for you Sparky, I'm just... wait, what?"
...
'Seriously, fuck my life...'
~'.'~'.'~
("Testing, testing... hello? Is this thing on? It is? Okay then! Hello again, investors, Cave Johnson here!")
I left Sparky with an earful on why I was not comfortable with personal information, like detailed measurements and sketches of myself, being given out to a convention full of ponies. I don't think the message sunk in. I mean, how well can you explain to a culture of nudists the concept of modesty?
Answer: Not very well.
The guards escorted me to a guest bedroom, surprisingly, and shut the door behind me as I walked in. No midnight trip to the kitchens for a snack then. Though, I suppose this five star luxury cell is better than the crazy room they had me in beforehand.
Not even having the energy to change out of my clothes, I simply landed on the bed face first. Hopefully, when I wake up in the morning this will all be gone, and I'll find that I had simply taken something I shouldn't have while drunk. My friends and I would have a good laugh; except Chris, because of that burning sensation he'll surely have after going to the bathroom.
Well class, before I drift off to sleep, let's recap.
To sum up the day's events, I've been drunk, struck by lightning, seemingly whisked away to a different dimension, made an arguably horrible attempt at first contact with another intelligent life form, and been in the middle of a dog pile of said life form - ponies. They have poked, prodded, and interrogated me, the last one to no end. I have debated the existence of god and hell, and have still not come up with a definitive answer. Oh, and did I mention, ‘cause surely I have, I'm still freaking hungover...
Oh, I am also most likely stuck here forever because, ya know what, god and the universe loved putting that cherry on top of this crap sundae. And lastly, my favorite and most effective coping mechanism, alcohol, is apparently not available to me. Yeah, remember that when you decide to say, "Wah, I've just had the worst day of my life." I don't want to hear it...
...
Anyway, and by god I love that word, signing off for the night.
Yours truly,
S.A.D.
~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~
Author's Note:
Well, this is my very first fanfic, and as such I'm really curious to see what people think. Comment on it or send me a PM! I'm open to all forms of constructive criticism.
I'll leave it in the hands of you viewers to determine if I should continue this story, or let it die in a fire!
Thanks for reading and I hope you've enjoyed.
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Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis
Chapter Two: Two Steps from Insanity, One Dimension from Bacon
Chapter Two: Two Steps from Insanity, One Dimension from Bacon
Disclaimer: We all know who owns My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Or maybe we all don't; but I can tell you I don't, cause I'm poor! Also, there is some language, and references to more adult topics. You have been warned!
Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis
Chapter Two: Two Steps from Insanity, One Dimension from Bacon
Author: RandomEncounter
~'.'~'.'~
I've been locked in here for far too long; I've even lost track of time. Had it been days now? Perhaps weeks? Maybe even a month or two? I have no answer to those questions. My padded cell is my home now, and I do not know if I will ever be released from here. My captors certainly believed that I was too dangerous to both myself and society at large.
One good thing about a lot of alone time with nothing to do is that you have a lot of time to think. And dear god have I been thinking a lot. About what, you may ask? Well, not to delve too deeply into the philosophical, but I've been pondering the connection between reality and perception. Now, don't get those two concepts confused. What is real can never be perceived by our limited perception. Therefore, our reality, and everything that is real around us, are two very different things. Now, if… oh bother, it seems that I hear noises coming this way.
Sorry guys, seems my time discussing this matter is up for the time being. Perhaps some other time, yes? I do get so lonely these days.
Numerous clicking noises began to emanate from the door to my cell, and I watched with only a hint of interest as it opened. I was familiar with this routine by now. Two orderlies came into the room and, after briefly telling me what was going to happen and where I was going, I was escorted from my cell to my awaiting doctor. Oh, and the orderlies are ponies by the way. In fact, just to be clear, apparently I perceive everyone in this facility to be a pony.
Now, I say that because I'm told by those very same ponies that they are in fact NOT ponies, and that I am merely perceiving them as such. So then my question for you, friend, is what does it mean when your reality is perceives everyone else around you to be a pony? If I shook the Magic Eight-ball right now, and ask it if I was insane, would all signs point to yes?
They led me along the dimly lit corridors towards an awaiting doctor's office. How many times have I been led to this room? I'm not sure anymore. This is just one more trip down the same damn hallway to the same damn conclusion. A conclusion, for the life of me, I still don’t understand.
We arrived at the doctor’s office after only a few moments. I’ve been told his name is Dr. Baker on numerous occasions; but damn it, I can’t see that name on a pony’s face, so I’ve come to simply call him Dr. Hooves.
Creative, right?
... No?
Well, what did I say about your opinion when we first met?
Anyway, the doctor was sitting there as usual, not even looking up from his chart as the orderlies forced me to take a seat in front of his desk. He finally decided to look at me, though his demeanor still conveyed the apathy than I’ve come to expect from him. "Good afternoon, Mr. Davis. How are we feeling today?"
Like I want to kick a horse...
I sighed in annoyance, "Would be better if a talking pony wasn't asking."
"Hmm, yes, I see you are still imagining everyone as a pony," said the doctor in an almost off-handed remark as he continued to look through his notes.
"Well, it's hard not to when, and here's the kicker, you're a talking pony."
"Shaun, I was hoping that we had been making some progress by this point in time."
"I'm still here, and you're still a pony. I can't see where the problem lies with me. Maybe, and I'm just going out on a limb here, but just maybe you're the one at fault? I think you're not trying hard enough to not be a little pony. Wouldn't that make more sense?"
He did not seem amused. "Hardly, Mr. Davis." Pulling out a stack of papers from his desk, he proceeded to ask, “Shall we perform another inkblot test today?
“Do I have a choice?”
Remain optimistic …
"No,” he responded flatly. “Now tell me, what do you see here?" He pulled out a picture of Twilight Sparkle.
Optimism is overrated; he's just trying to screw with my mind.
"A picture of Sparky, the annoyingly curious unicorn."
"Hmmm,” he scribbled a few notes down before moving on. “Tell me what you see now,” he said as he pulled out another supposed inkblot, this one a picture of Celestia.
Does he even know what an inkblot looks like?
"Princess Celestia, alicorn, ruler of Equestria - a land of hell, no beer, and talking ponies."
He pulled up one last picture. "And... this one perhaps?"
I pause for a moment at this picture, before my mouth starts to salivate and I hastily said, "A twenty-two ounce t-bone steak cooked to a perfect medium rare, with a side of loaded mashed potatoes heavy on the bacon bits, and a keg of beer to wash everything down with."
The doctor looked slightly confused, then slowly turned the picture in his hand to look at it while raising a single eyebrow at my statement. ‘What the hell? Out of those three answers, this one seems the most strange to him?’
He shook his head, sighed, and took off his glasses. "I'm afraid to tell you this, Mr. Davis, but you still appear to be a very sick man."
"Oh yeah? I hate to tell you this, but you still appear to be... well... your face. Which, by the way, is a pony face. Probably an ugly one by pony standards too with your luck. So suck on that , Dr. Hooves."
Okay, yeah, not a great come back but I suck at those.
If he was offended, he didn't show it. "I see that our more conventional methods of therapy are not going to work for you. What the staff and I think you need, and have decided on, are more drastic measures."
I paused to look at him, his words sinking in and making me extremely nervous. "Err, can I say I don't like the sound of 'drastic measures' very much?" When have you ever heard that line uttered in a good sort of context...
"Some of the other doctors thought simple electrical shock therapy would be sufficient; I, however, disagreed. I recommended for a frontal lobotomy, and I'm happy to say my proposal was eagerly accepted by the neurologist."
'Wait just a damn minute, did he just say lobotomy?!'
"She was even gracious enough to perform the procedure immediately."
I tried to stand up and run away, but I found myself somehow now bound to the chair; restraints holding my limbs where none had existed before.
"Let me introduce you to your surgeon." The door opened, and in walked a familiar purple unicorn, dressed in a long white lab coat. "This here is our neurologist on staff, Dr. Twilight Sparkle."
"S-Sparky? What are you doing here?" I managed to stammer out.
"Why, I'm performing a lobotomy of course," said the little purple pony of nightmares in such a casual manner it was as if she were discussing the weather with me. Having said that, Sparky jumped onto my lap with a scary huge grin on her face bringing her to my eye level. She then pulled out a comically large hacksaw from behind her...though I was not laughing. "Now, you'll forgive me if I want to do a little more exploring in that skull of yours than a simple lobotomy, right? I'm just too curious at how your dissected brain looks! Let's begin right away; waiting for anesthesia would take too long!"
As she brought the hacksaw closer to my head, I could only scream like a little girl and yell, "This is supposed to be a labotomy! "
~'.'~'.'~
I shot up in my bed, eyes wide open, and soaked in sweat. "AHHHHHHH!"
"AHHHHH," came a feminine scream to my right.
I quickly looked over and saw Sparky screaming at me. "AHHHHHHHH!"
'Why the fuck is she here?!'
"AHHHHH," she screamed again, eyes wide with terror.
The doors burst open as two pegasi guards galloped into the room. "Stand away from the unicorn-"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" AHHHHHHHHHHH!
"AHHHHhhhhhh... err... Shaun, why are we screaming?"
I took a breath to scream again, before I paused to actually let her words sink in. Taking a moment to gather my wits, I finally found my voice again. "Well, umm... you see," I looked at the two confused pegasi in the room. They were staring at me, but spared a quick glance to Sparky, probably making sure she was alright.
"Are you okay, Miss Sparkle? Did this beast hurt you?" asked one of the guards in a somewhat harsh, but clearly concerned voice.
Okay, being called a beast is perhaps too much now that we know each other, guys...
Sparky looked to me, then to the guards with a sheepish grin on her face. "Uh, no. Sorry about the outburst. I think we just startled one another."
Their eyes darted between us before their stances finally relaxed. "Understood, Miss Sparkle. If you have ANY trouble with him, let us know." They looked at me with a stare that clearly conveyed the message of 'we're watching you, don't screw with us, we know where you live,' before stepping back outside and closing the door.
With the guards gone, Sparky looked back at me hesitantly, “Err, are you okay now, Shaun?”
Taking a moment to collect myself, I calmly stated, "Uh, yes, I think... and as for your previous question, I'm screaming because I have no clue why you are in here. Oh, and because your dream counterpart wanted to dissect my brain with a hacksaw."
"... Uh... I... ah... huh... what?" To say Sparky looked confused would be an understatement.
"I said, because I don't know why you-"
"Shaun, I heard you clearly the first time," she responded in an annoyed tone rubbing her head with a hoof. She looked back to me in exasperation. "Why would you dream about me dissecting your brain... with a hacksaw?"
'Cause I think you just might want to?'
"Uh... I… don't really know! But that's not the creepy part, don't you think?" I glared at her, "As far as I remember, and I wasn't wasted when I went to sleep so memory loss is off the table, but I was alone in this room. Were you here to wake me up or something?"
"Well, umm... no... ," she responded, fidgeting with her hooves nervously.
"Oh, okay then. Now that we've got that cleared up... then why would you be in my room while I was asleep?!"
She took a moment to think, then grinned. Immediately I recognized it as 'that' grin. You know... the kind that a cars salesman or a politician always wears. In other words, I think she was about to try and sell me some piece of crap. "That can at least be explained in a perfectly logical manner. I was curious to see how a human slept, so I stayed up all night taking notes on your sleeping posture, things you said in your sleep, timing your deep sleep cycles, recording your heart rate-"
"Whoa whoa whoa, wait, hold on there! Did you just basically say that you spent the night watching me, totally unaware you had snuck in here, like some kind experiment?"
This... is one really messed up little pony...
"That's correct," she said with a strained grin.
"Staring at me... while I was asleep..."
"Yes," her grin only faltered a little.
"And you don’t think this is being a crazy creepy stalker beeecaauuusseee... ?"
Her demeanor changed and I could see her expression go from calm to somewhat nervous while rubbing her hooves together again. "Well it is... but I assumed you wouldn't give me permission if I asked. The Princess wants me to find out as much as I can about you after all. And I also really wanted to help out my zoologist colleagues in their research on you..."
"Ah, I see. Still, I don't understand how any of that doesn't make me want to get a restraining order placed on you."
Been there, done that.
"Do you think Princess Celestia would allow that?" she questioned somewhat smugly.
Probably not... you suck, Sparky.
Instead of answering her, I just glared at the little insane annoyance. At first she stared at me, then her face broke out into a strained smile, but soon enough she sighed and began to fidget with her hooves, looking very uncomfortable. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I know this looks bad, and admittedly it is. But you've been rather reclusive lately. You won't answer questions as readily as you first did. You won't talk about your world as much anymore. It's like... the more we try to find out, the less willing you seem to be!"
"Ya know," I sighed and rubbed my head, trying to pre-empt the pain of an oncoming headache, "have you stopped to think that the big reason I've been avoiding everyone and everything as much as possible is because... oh... I don't know... maybe I'm tired of being the new thing at the zoo? It was amusing the first few hours; two weeks later and now I just want to be left alone."
She rubbed the back of her head, and strained herself in an attempt to grin again. That did not look pretty. "Well, that seemed like the most obvious possibility to me which is why I went for a more subtle method of studying your behavior."
"Glad to know you bypassed rational thinking, and opted instead for the 'crazy stalker that will probably end up breaking my legs so I can't get away' kind of behavior. And did you think sneaking into my room to 'observe' me was going to make the situation any better if I found out?"
"I didn't think you were going to find out! You slept through my observations entirely the past three nights!"
Wait ... what... the...
"Uhhhh...did you just say the past three nights?!"
At least she had the decency to look guilty.
I sighed and rubbed my head for a moment, carefully considering my options. “Know what," I said slowly and methodically, "we’ll just move on for the time being. You are going to leave so I can get dressed. Then, we’ll talk for a while and I’ll answer some questions. Will that get you to back off a bit?”
Sparky smiled, “Yes!” She once again looked a bit guilty, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry again. Though, can I ask you a question really quick?”
I sighed yet again. “Okay, but just one.”
She grinned and started to shuffle through her notes. “Well, two nights ago you were talking in your sleep. Although I couldn’t make out any of the words, you were moaning quite a bit and I was wondering if you were-"
“I take it back,” I cut her off after overcoming a brief few seconds of my brain shutting down. “No more questions about my dreams and none of those notes had better make it into the hands of those weirdos from Equestrian Society of Socially Awkward Stalkers.”
Alright, seems that balcony and I need to have a short heart to heart talk.
“But--”
“No buts Sparky! Now, out!” She looked ready to continue her protests, but my stern expression told her she was not going to win this fight. I was glad that she quickly left after that.
For the life of me, I wanted to be furious at her behavior. I really wanted to, in fact. Buuuuut... deep down, in the bottom of my heart, I understood that she was slightly crazy; and that I cannot be mad at someone slightly unhinged and not fear some form of bodily harm befalling me.
On the plus side, she’s making me appreciate that my life before this dimensional fifty-two card pick up wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was rather pleasant looking back on everything now. I had friends, beer, a crappy job that paid for the beer...
... Hell, she's beginning to make my ex not look so bad either...
... But only slightly...
As I began to get dressed, I randomly thought about Winston Smith, and if he would trade places with me if he could have. Sadly, Big Brother is starting to sound like a rather good change of pace at this point in time; at least my tormentors would be human in that case.
... Though maybe not as nice as these ponies are. But hey, at least I'd have Victory Gin in the end...
And that, my friends, would be a victory in and of itself. I'll love Big Brother long time for some gin...
~'.'~'.'~
Having gotten dressed, I was escorted to breakfast at a small dining chamber in an isolated part of the castle. Sparky was already there with a smile on her face and a stack of papers, ready to resume her questioning. At least breakfast had some eggs with toast and blackberry jam to put me in a good mood. With that, I felt ready to answer her questions as earnestly and honestly as possible…
"You know, you never did tell me why you insist on calling me 'Sparky,' right,” questioned the unicorn, clearly offended at my continued use of this nickname. She had insisted I begin to call her Twilight; I had insisted Sparky was fine. Have you ever watched two rams but heads? Our discussion, though not physical, was similar.
Yeah, our meaningful talk didn’t last long in other words...
Okay, so our promised discussion had quickly degenerated into useless squabbling. Did you honestly think that I could maintain a serious and extended conversation? Nope… I derail these talks faster than a forum troll kills a thread discussing women’s rights.
"Well, I can't take the name 'Twilight Sparkle' seriously, now can I? Not when it describes a series of books and everything that is wrong with them from my world in just two words."
She stared at me in annoyance. "You've already told me that before and it's annoying you won't tell me what that means! What could possibly be so bad about a series of books?"
"You're better off not knowing!"
I could see on her face that she was beginning to lose control. Her eyes narrowed. "Not knowing what exactly?!"
I suppressed a grin as an idea presented itself. 'Let’s cast a line…'
Trying to keep a straight face, I frowned at her and tersely replied, “The truth!”
“What truth,” demanded Sparky rather forcefully.
“I can’t tell you the truth!”
“I want to know the truth,” she ground out, her calm demeanor finally giving way completely.
I looked at her as seriously as I could and responded in kind, “You can't handle the truth !”
She set herself up for that cheesy line...
“Shaun, tell me this instant!”
'Yeeeaaahhh… noooooo…’
I looked at her smugly, then at the guards in the room. I could tell they were both amused at the scene and also annoyed at me pulling Sparky’s metaphorical tail. Oh well, at least they’ll probably pull her off of me when she decides to start strangling me.
I turned to her but said nothing, instead just grinning and shaking my head no.
… Hopefully they can stop her if she’s using magic to do her dirty work…
I mean, they could, right?
...
... Now I'm wondering what would happen if I pulled her real tail...
She looked at me, opening her mouth to respond, before deciding otherwise. For a moment there, she seemed close to a breakdown, before she closed her eyes and took a big breath. She looked at me again, this time smiled, and calmly said, “Okay, that’s fine, Shaun. Since you won’t open up to me, we’ll just go have a talk with those ‘stalkers’ you love so much.”
… Damn, she’s getting better at dealing with me…
I sighed dramatically. "Okay... I really didn't want to tell you this, but the horror those books unleashed on my world should not be brought into this world. There is nothing more pervasive than an idea, and the myriad of horrific ideas contained in those pages almost ushered in a new age of darkness for mankind."
Okay, admittedly an overstatement, but not by much in my professionally expert-ish opinion...
Sparky just stared at me with perhaps the best baffled face I had ever seen on any living being. "... What...? That sounds like you made that up, Shaun. In fact, none of that makes any sense."
She's starting to understand me all too well. Damn... oh well.
I looked at her, and in my most sagely tone of voice replied, "Murphy's Law, remember?"
She groaned, and gave me an exasperated look before saying, "How does that even apply to this situation?!"
"It just does." I grinned at her, "Sorry, Sparky, but there may be parts of my world that would go so far as to consider your name a criminal act."
One can dream, can’t they?
"Ugh ," she brought a hoof to her head, probably trying to pre-empt the migraine I was doing my best to give her as revenge. "Do you know how impossible you are to deal with at times?!"
“That’s a stupid question, Sparky,” I shot back flatly. “Of course I do. Do you know how hard you are deal with at times?”
She looked as if she had just been slapped. "Me? I’m not that difficult to be around!"
"Well, I take it no one... nopony has ever been your lab experiment before!"
"Why would they?" she cried out in exasperation.
I looked at her crossly. "Exactly, who else would know how you really are?!"
"If I'm treating you as the exception, how can that be who I really am?!" she shot back indignantly.
"Because ," I threw my arms up into the air, "It shows that you are capable of something like this! I mean, it's innocent enough now, but it'll probably keep escalating until I wake up one day with some death trap strapped to my head and you asking me to play a game.'"
By the way, you just lost the game.
"... Do all humans think of such... ideas," she questioned with a look hint of bewilderment in her voice.
"Do all unicorns break into a bedroom to watch someone or somepony sleep?!"
"I said I'm sorry," she cried out in annoyance before she paused, a look of deep thought on her face. "Besides, I didn't break in. After all, the guards let me in, and this is Princess Celestia's home. Therefore, it logical suggests that I did not break in, and thus I technically did nothing wrong."
"Except stare at me creepily for a few days while I slept..."
"Well, yes," she said a bit dejectedly.
I narrowed my eyes at her. "See, that's the biggest problem that you’re glos-"
Our wonderful discussion was interrupted when two guard ponies entered the room, walking up to address Sparky. "Our apologies ma'am," stated one of the guards, "but the Princess has asked us to escort the human to meet with her."
We both looked the guards with the same expression on our face; a look of salvation.
“I suppose it's a good thing the Princess wants to talk to you," said Sparky with a hint of relief; apparently our talks were beginning to leave her nerves frazzled. "I have some reading I wanted to do from a book I found lying around last night. I’ll find you later today after the meeting, okay?”
“Alright," I replied in a cheerful tone. "Just as long as by later you mean when I’m still awake.”
She huffed and didn’t even grace my response with an answer as she turned to leave. I looked at the slightly confused looks on both of the guard's faces. "Yeah guys, I know what you must be thinking... but don't worry. One day the princess will take action and get her the proper drugs and medical attention."
Their expressions clearly told me they were incapable of appreciating my form of humor. Instead they motioned for me to follow them, down the hallway... like in my dream...
... Well, hopefully there aren't any inkblot tests at the end of this walk.
Screw you, Dr. Hooves...
~'.'~'.'~
Now that little miss brain hacker is gone and I’m mindlessly following some guards, I can fill you in on how the last two weeks of my life have been. I'd love to say that things have been great so far. I know that's what many of you want to hear. Perhaps even desperately so. I mean, I must seem more chatty than when we first met, right? That's a good sign, right?
Well... sorry to once again disappoint you, but screw this place. I was wasted and hungover last time, so you didn't get the full force of Shaun's sarcasm. Now that I've been here for two weeks, I can honestly say that I would also prefer to go back to the semi-cognitive state I was in last time...
In other words, it has been hell. It was moderately hell the first day. It was hell the second day. It was only slightly less hell the third day because I had more alone time. But the fourth day brought hell back with a vengeance when I was introduced to members from the Equestrian Zoology Society, courtesy of Sparky...
At first they had politely insisted to 'talk' to me. I had politely declined. They politely insisted they talk to me again. I then less politely declined. They still didn't take the hint. In frustration, I gave them the middle finger. They were confused. I then gave them the other middle finger hoping for a breakthrough. They were still confused. I then sighed in defeat, and finally relented.
I kept the talk simple, and told them my name, age, what bacon was and why I loved every juicy, delicious, animal slaughtering bite of it. They quickly bid me farewell after that. I was kind of sad to see them go at that point though; I didn't even get to explain to them the difference between regular awesome pig bacon, and that crap turkey bacon...
Perhaps they had enough data for now though? Good for them, I still don't have any bacon.
So yeah, that was day four. Hey, want to guess what day five was like? I'll give you a hint. It starts with... hell. And it also ends with... hell. There's also a lot of hell in the middle of hell and hell too. In fact, one could say that the fifth day was a gigantic hell on hell sandwich heavy on the hell... without a pickle.
At least the damn pickle would have made things better...
What? Don't believe me? Orrrrr... are you kind of lost at the moment? Don't worry if you are, I am too, most of the time. My psyche is more complicated and convoluted than a road map to peace in the middle east... although, at least in my mind you'll eventually get somewhere.
So where were we? Day five, yeah? Could I convince you to let that one go? I would really rather skip any retelling of that story if you don't mind. I mean seriously, I don't want to think about that day to be honest.
You'll have mercy right? ... No? Fiiiiiiiine, but you won't be getting a Christmas card from me this year. Or the next year either. Maybe some fruitcake though... cause you know, nothing says ‘screw you’ during Christmas more than a lump of that rock substitute!
Anyway, let's get this over with.
That day started out normal enough. I had finally convinced the princess the previous afternoon that I would feel better if I could shave off the almost week old beard that I was sporting by then. Although she had been reluctant at first, my assurances that my mood would improve and convincing her that I would be stupid to alienate her, for without her support I would have nowhere to go...
... What? Don't believe me to be the eloquent type, eh? Okay fine, I told her she could just look into my mind to see if I was telling the truth.
She hastily, but politely, declined, though she did have a maid send me an old fashioned razor blade and some shaving soap the next morning. I was hesitant to try shaving with something like this, but I figured it would be a new experience... one of the few in this world I've had without ponies. And, you would think with that, all seemed to be looking up that day for good old Shaun Andrew Davis.
But noooooo ... the natural order just has to step in to remind me that from now on my life is about going from being screwed one day, to being screwed the next.
... But not in the good ‘death by snu snu’ kind of way...
Apparently no one had told my unicorn keeper or the next shift of guards about me being allowed to shave. When she walked into the room and saw me holding a knife to the neck...well, let's just say some things happened. And by things, I mean the razor was magically pulled from my hand, the guards were called in, and I ended up restrained in a pony pile to 'keep me from causing myself bodily harm.'
Thankfully, by some miracle, Princess Celestia decided to visit me before they finished restraining me to the bed. A few words were exchanged, apologies were made, and I was left to my own devices once again. So now, at last I was able to finally get to shaving, and all was well.
... For the next forty seconds or so...
Yeah, shaving with an old-fashioned razor proved to be a bit troublesome to me. Long story short, there was an accident, a trip to the doctor's, and about nine stitches involved. Good news is they were able to ensure with a bit of magic and some wonderful salve that I would only have a very faint scar on my shin from now on.
... Yes, my shin. And no, I was not shaving my legs or anything. I just tend to drop things on accident. Okay, you know what, no, I’m not explaining that one any farther. Let’s end it by saying my parents never did trust me with sharp objects. Not after that incident with the neighbors cat...
Hey! Nothing like that... and it's hair did grow back eventually...
Yeah, we're moving on. No complaints!
So… I’m thankful that they were able to fabricate an old-fashioned safety razor for me after this incident; although, I didn't try to shave for another week after that. Perhaps that would have been a good idea beforehand.
Oh well, hindsight is a cruel bitch of a mistress.
Yeah, I'm not one to believe in this whole 'it was a sign' thing. However, damn it, I should have realized then that getting out of bed would be the worst decision I would make that day. After all, what happened next could have been stopped if I had simply slept in.
There was the incident later in the day of Sparky trying to recharge my iPhone after it had died. Aside from my wallet, clothes, keys...and that stick I had in my hand when the lightning struck...it had been the only other thing that had been brought here with me. The guards had emptied my pockets while I was out cold. They returned everything that morning, except the stick for some reason, once they were positive nothing was dangerous.
I also made sure they knew I also didn't like the unconscious frisking, that I thankfully couldn't remember, but still found disturbing. What is it with ponies and touching me in very uncomfortable ways?
Sorry, got sidetracked again.
Anyway, I explained the concept of how electricity works in the human world, and what would qualify as an electrical source to power it to that incessantly curious unicorn as best I could. For always having sucked at science, I thought I had done a pretty damn good job!
Well, apparently I really suck at explaining any sort of science. A few hours later Sparky came back, wanting to see if her magic was compatible with the device, and could be used as a substitute energy source since she wasn't sure of the voltage conversion between the two worlds. Against my better judgment, I allowed her to try; hell, I wanted to be able to at least listen to my music playlist.
She assured me that everything would probably go right; though her assurances were undermined by the fact they were made behind an inch of safety glass. Her horn lit up and she managed to get it turned back on for a second... before it shorted out...
... Then caught fire...
...
... Followed by blowing up...
... ("Hello again investors, Cave Johnson here, just letting you know that Apeture brand iPhones do not blow up under the power of unicorn magic!")
Seriously, how the hell do you make an iPhone blow up like a M-80?! I mean, I know the engineers at Apple probably never once considered making sure their phone was safe while being powered by unicorn magic, but the notion it would just go boom? I'm glad she had thought to do all of this behind cover. A chunk of my phone had embedded itself in the protective glass... right in front of my forehead.
Took me a second to realize that girlish scream was not coming from Sparky…
Admittedly though, death by magically induced exploding iPhone sounds unique and somewhat funny... in a strange and sickly twisted sort of way. At least my tombstone would have been interesting.
Hmmm... Tombstone...
Annnnnnnd now I'm thinking of pizza. A meat lover's pizza... with bacon... lots of freaking bacon... and a beer... or three.
... Damn it. I want to go home...
Next on the agenda, you'll also be glad to know that I did not in fact have to redefine the word "impossible" since the last time we met; rather I merely changed what it applies to. So far, the list includes anything that would make me happy and/or give me hope in this god forsaken world of ponies...
I haven't given it much thought beyond that.
What's next?
Oh! So, do you remember how I said that I was right about Sparky and I speaking English, and she was just being too stubborn to admit it? Weeeeeeelllllll... it seems, and it pains me to say this because that means I inadvertently mislead you, buuuuut... she was possibly right. Which conversely means that I was possibly wrong.
Yeah... I know... it's all your fault you believed me. Don't worry though, I don't hold things against people and so I forgive you. We're still friends, right?
... Please?
'Bacon?'
Damn it, I really need a drink... and some honest to god, dead pig meat...
As for why this is the case, neither of us could come up with an acceptable answer. We couldn't explain how I got here in the first place, let alone why the two of us spoke the same language. What we could understand however, was that I apparently can't read a damn bit of their writing. Now, that does not mean I am not thankful for that fact that I can at least communicate in their spoken language; I'm sure first encounters would have otherwise been much more... confusingly entertaining. However, not being able to read has halted my one research project I had wished to start on right away.
Eh? What's my goal you ask? Well, as a man who studies history, you are probably thinking something in the field of Equestrian history; and perhaps under different circumstances, you'd be right. But no, this time my project of interest lies in a field of study I am less suited for - that of science.
And the subject of my scientific studies? Well, it's very simple really. I am attempting to determine if the necessary ingredients to make an alcoholic beverage exist in this world. A lofty goal, I'm sure you understand.
That's right. I'm on a quest for the golden elixir of humanity in other words.
Yet, now I must learn an entirely new language to even begin my search. Well... that or ask Sparky for help in my endeavors. Which would naturally mean spending more time around her. This in turn would mean, 'screw that.' When faced with such a prospect, seriously applying myself to the study of a new language sounds exhilarating.
Oh, and did I mention that I am learning their language from books designed for the equivalent of toddlers at the moment? Sparky thought it would be cheapest to just use her assistant Spike's hand-me-down books. Saves everyone some time and a few bits, kicks me in the already bruised ego even more.
So, I've gone from recently reading the speeches and writings of Abraham Lincoln, James Madison, John Taylor of Caroline and other great political thinkers of the American Republic, to books entitled The Very Hungry Pony or One Pony, Two Pony, Red Pony, Blue Pony . If I have to read one more damned picture book designed to teach moral values to foals, well, I will just freaking go insane!
...
Now, some of you might argue that I already am crazy; and you might just be right too. But at least I know who the hell John Taylor of Caroline was; and that seems way more important to me than having my sanity.
... What? Don't judge me!
Anyway, having said that, many of you may now argue that I also have my priorities badly mixed up. Well... you'll get no protest from me on that point at least.
Happy? Continuing on...
Topping everything off by the way, my chances of getting back home are continuing to look bleaker and bleaker each day. The princess has been kind enough to dedicate a team of researchers to examine the issue. Which is of course great, though the more I hear of their progress, the more I can only think of how retirement is like in this world.
Got to plan long term with the news I'm getting...
Oh, and yeah, I know some of you might think I have an alcohol problem by now. I'd like to ensure you I don't - or didn't at least. On Earth I drank to party, and occasionally, because of the ex... but only while we were still dating. But now? I feel like NOT being drunk in this world makes life feel like too much of a hassle. Some people have their anti-depressants, but hopefully I'll have my beer again.
... Okay, so maybe that does indicate I have a problem of sorts. At least I already have two known solutions: find a drink, or get home...
...
Yeah, when I put it that way, it seems I have bigger problems than a possible alcohol addiction, doesn't it? Like ponies... a purple one in particular...
~'.'~'.'~
The two guards motioned for me to make a right turn leading down a hallway that ended at two large ornate doors. I assumed that this was the meeting room as I saw another pair of ponies standing guard in front of the entrance. The guards at the door looked at the three of us, and nodded.
The guard to my right spoke up and said, “The Princess is expecting you. She has requested that we remain outside the door in order to meet with you privately. We... reluctantly have to accept her orders.”
“Okay then... well, I guess I’ll be going in.” I took a step forward before the guard that had just spoken up blocked my path.
“Allow me to mention one more thing before you go in.” He locked eyes with me and lowered his voice, “If you try anything, the Princess will of course defend herself; and then we’ll gladly drag whatever is left of you down to a nice comfy dungeon cell ourselves.”
I looked around at the other guards who wore the same stern expressions; well as stern as an angry pony could look. I admit, it was somewhat intimidating, though I had to resist the urge not to laugh a bit at the same time. They probably wouldn’t like that; and hey, if things somehow went wrong, then it’s best not to annoy your future jailors.
Confident that they had clearly understood their intent, the doors were opened and I was ushered inside. I saw Princess Celestia standing in front of a table that had two cups and a teapot on top of it.
"Hello once again, Shaun Davis. I'm sorry that I have not been able to meet with you over the last few days, but I have been busy with preparations."
"Nothing to apologize for. Though, what are the preparations about?"
She waved a hoof dismissively before saying, "Oh nothing much really. Just an annual festival of sorts. Please, have a seat," she motioned to the chair across from her. "There is much I wish to talk with you about."
I made my way to the table, taking in the rooms pleasant decorations before sitting down and turning to the princess, giving her a small smirk. “No guards for this little meeting?”
“I did not feel the need for them,” she gave me a warm smile. “Also, I felt it best that we have a little more privacy for this conversation; I’ve noted that you seem to be a more one on one type of po… err… person. That’s the correct word, am I right?”
Chuckling at her question, I simply replied, “Yeah, that’s the word. Though, are you sure you aren’t worried about the alien thing from somewhere else becoming violent?”
She laughed light-heartedly in response and replied, “I do not think that will be the case from you Shaun. Though, I am sure that if you became violent, I can handle myself.”
“Only because you can cheat with magic.”
Damn life hackers...
She chuckled at that and responded, “Says the tool user.”
I smiled and laughed. “Touché. I take it you have been reading Sparky's reports on me?”
Dumb question I suppose. What leader in her situation wouldn't be? It's not like she had a children's book that was more important at the moment, right?
"I wouldn't be much of a ruler if I ignored regular reports on the interesting new arrival to Equestria, now would I? They have been amusing to say the least at times." She poured a cup of tea for herself before looking at me and asking, "Would you like some tea as well?"
"No, thank you," I politely declined; it wasn't the type of tea I was interested in drinking at the moment. 'Long Island, my friend, how I long for you...'
She nodded, levitated her cup, and took a sip tea. "I suppose we should discuss why I have brought you here, but first I would like to know how you are adjusting to this situation, Mr. Davis."
Images from my dream last night played out in my mind when she called me that. "Please... err... just Shaun. Mr. Davis feels too weird when my dream world psychiatrist calls me that as well."
One of her eyebrows rose slightly, before the princess shook her head and smiled. "Of course, Shaun. But only if you give me the courtesy of just Celestia while we are in private.”
"Hmm, down to earth in private? I can deal with that. Much better than Sparky's approach at least," I mumbled in annoyance.
Celestia shook her head, and her grin only slipped a little bit. "Yes, one of my guards reported to me on that little misunderstanding. I must admit," she paused, clearly trying to find the right words to say, "Twilight... can be a bit too worried about disappointing me at times. I try to reassure her that would seldom ever be the case, however she is young and still concerned entirely too much about what I think at times. Shaun... will you forgive my student for her foalishness?"
I looked out the window and thought about everything that has happened since first arriving. "You've done a lot for me. Food, shelter, new clothes, basic necessities, and so on,” I thought for a moment, then shook my head and turned back to her with a genuine smile. “I guess I can forgive your overeager student.”
The look of genuine appreciation on her face, for some reason made me happy. Though, that could be in part due to the fact that I owed her a lot as well, so the least I could do was make her smile.
If she got me some bacon, I'd follow her into the depths of hell at this point even.
“But,” I said, trying to feign annoyance and failing miserably, “if I wake up one day strapped to some strange machine, you'll hear about my disappointment personally."
"I would expect nothing less," she said while stifling some laughter. "Now, perhaps we can get back to the initial question?"
I shrugged and said, "Doing fine I guess. Well... as fine as this situation allows me to be."
Celestia paused for a moment to scrutinize me, before she talked up once again, "I'm glad to hear that." For some reason, her response sounded almost forced."I have to admit, I am a bit curious about your life, Shaun," she said, the tone in her voice once again sounding relaxed and smooth, "would you mind tell me a bit about yourself?"
"I really don't know where to begin," I stated hesitantly; after all, I really didn't want to go into my life's story again. Maybe some hesitation would get me out of it.
"Aside from the more... colorful aspects I briefly gleaned from your memories, perhaps you could tell me about your life?"
“Didn’t Sparky already report that to you?”
“She did, but I would like to take the time to hear it from you; seems more personal that way,” replied the Princess with a small smile.
I had a guess as to why she wanted to hear my story from me personally; cops use this trick all the time to make sure a suspect does not change their story. Moreover, if they do, well, that’s not suspicious in the least, right?
Deciding to just play along with her, I thought for a moment before responding, "Not much to it really. I grew up a normal life for the most part. My mom and dad loved me, though they separated when I was around nine."
"Separated?" she asked curiously. "Why?"
I sighed and chuckled a bit at the same time. "They just had their differences. Dad had a problem with being unable to not cheat on mom. Mom had a problem with not wanting to break his jaw for that. Really, it's a good thing they went their separate ways... I don't think their relationship was long term material because of those factors if you want my honest opinion."
"Yes," she nodded with a bit of uncertainty, "Twilight mentioned that before. I have to ask, is that… normal for your species?"
"Which part?” I asked her curiously. “The divorce? The cheating? Or the female pounding the male's face in for infidelity?"
Making you guys out there proud, remember, making you guys proud. At least I'm encouraging the empowerment of women, right?
“How about you just enlighten me on all three?” she asked somewhat hesitantly.
"Well,” I paused and thought how best to word my explanation; but eventually I just gave up. “Cheating is not really an acceptable behavior in society if that's what you are asking. Divorces seem very common. And well, getting violent is frowned upon by the law," I paused to chuckle, "hence the fact my mom was arrested for domestic abuse."
I continued to explain to her my family situation. Other than the already mentioned divorce and beating, my family was relatively normal. This seemed to ease the awkwardness between the princess and I a bit. Yet, in a way I was almost disappointed I didn’t have another awkward story to tell her.
I don’t have enough rope to hang myself with this time around at least...
After a few minutes of talking, the Princess finally decided to interrupt me when I got to the part where I met my ex; probably a good idea on her part. "I believe that will be enough for the time being. I must admit, I find some of the events in your family’s past to be… intriguing. But, perhaps we can move onto talking less about you specifically then?"
I simply shrugged my shoulders at that suggestion. "What do you want to know?"
She looked thoughtful for a moment, before finally speaking up. "How shall I ask this... are all humans as... unique in their behavior as you are?"
"If by you 'unique,' you mean a sarcastic smartass... err, then no. Some of us are rather enjoyable to be around."
'Though perhaps less fun...'
"So, you are atypical then?" she questioned uncertainly.
"Not hardly," I couldn't help but laugh at this point, "many of us enjoy the finer points of living a life of sarcasm. But truthfully? No two human is the same, so gauging humanity off me would be kind of pointless... and perhaps a bit insulting to some people... many people... okay, a lot of people."
Then again, wouldn't you be honored to be judged by another species based solely upon my actions?
Celestia nodded in understanding at that statement. "Yes, it would also be folly to base one's opinion on ponykind on the actions of one pony alone." She took another sip of tea before continuing on, "Twilight mentioned that you study the history of your people. Perhaps you can tell me about the history of you humans? I think I would enjoy that."
I had to admit, I was rather reluctant to go over human history for the fifteenth time already, so I instead tried to weasel my way out of this situation. "That's... a lot of history to go over. We have thousands of years of knowledge, and I can honestly say that I do not know even half of it. I've already told Twilight a lot of human history, perhaps it would be best just to read her notes?"
"I would rather hear you talk about your history, it's more entertaining. Would you perhaps be willing to tell me an abridged tale of humans?"
Abridged? I had jokingly made the comment one time about a class teaching five-thousand years of Indian history as being abridged. She wants me to abridge ALL of human history? Well, maybe if I cut out a few things here and there...
"Err... suppose I can try," I spoke a bit unsure of myself as I finally reluctantly agreed to her request.
I tried to be as non-descriptively descriptive as possible for the sake of time and sanity. I really, honestly, whole-heartedly, tried; but do you guys remember how my explanation of electricity ended? I can say that I probably screwed up my depiction of many peoples and cultures throughout time with my account of some historical events. I think I might have even portrayed Canadians in an especially poor light from the looks she gave me when I mentioned them. I'd feel bad of course, but... oh well; no Canadians here to defend themselves at least... or break my kneecaps. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if I saw a sign at Celestia's court saying 'Canadians not welcome.'
... To be honest, I'm only half joking. Seriously, I don't know how I messed that one up...
'Oh, Canada...'
Our talk continued to on for what seemed like hours, though I couldn't tell. She was silent for most of it, only interjecting a question here and there. I managed to dodge the most troubling aspects of humanity for the moment. I told her about humans and warfare; though I had not mentioned anything like oh, say... World War II. I thought it was best for me to hold onto that little tale for a rainy day.
… Or better yet, perhaps never speak of it at all.
After a few more minutes I finally felt I had been able to give a broad and misleadingly accurate description of human history. For her part, the Princess looked satisfied with my story and merely poured another cup of tea.
"Thank you, Shaun," she said before taking another sip of tea. "I have to admit that humanity, based on your description, is both somewhat similar and strikingly different from ponies. We have not known war and chaos for nearly a thousand years now; a state of existence I wish to maintain."
I smiled and wistfully said, "Sounds like a utopia to me."
"Far from it, I assure you," she responded, "though perhaps to someone like you, who has studied your species...and had to live with these Canadians, this world might seem that way at first glance."
"I guess no world is perfect," I mused out loud.
"Indeed, that seems to be the case," she replied. Taking another sip from her cup, I almost thought I saw her horn briefly and almost imperceptibly glow for a moment, before she continued on with the conversation. "Then, let's move onto my final question: how are you Shaun Davis?”
I looked at her somewhat perplexed, “I thought I already answered that.”
“In a way you did," she agreed, "but partially… only the parts you wanted others to hear.”
For some reason, her questioning look felt sobering; I seemed to have lost all wit. I thought about it for a second before hesitantly asking, “That question… what do you want me to tell you exactly?”
“The whole truth would be a decent expectation. You may put on a brave face, and you might be able to play off your worries to others… but I am not so easily deceived.”
I had a sneaking suspicion more was going on right now than the princess cared to tell me. “Can I ask you two questions first?”
She smiled playfully and replied, “Aside from that one I take it?”
“Are you using magic on me right now?”
Celestia paused for a moment, before nodding. “Yes, though only a simple spell to make you feel more at ease... and less defensive.”
Well, at least she’s honest. I'll give her that much...
“Alright… then my second question is why are you so insistent on me telling you everything?”
Her pleasant demeanor fell, and I heard a hint of sadness in her voice when she replied, “Because, Shaun, I’m worried about you.”
That was certainly unexpected. I could only look at her in confusion and ask, “Worried about me? Why? I haven't done anything wrong, so why are you worried about me?”
Celestia waved off my statement with a hoof. "You misunderstand my worry, Shaun. I am not worried about the things you have or can do; I am worried about your well-being."
I was speechless for a moment, not really knowing what to say or ask at this point. Eventually, I managed to simply question, "Why?"
She smiled at me wryly for a moment, and spoke in a slightly playful tone of voice, “I thought I already answered your two questions.”
I shook my head and persisted. “Please, indulge me in a third question then.”
Celestia responded compassionately, “Do I need a reason to worry about another living being who’s in distress?”
I wanted to protest her simple logic, to say things just don't work like that; but the look on her face stopped me. It was a sincere look; and though I've never been a good judge of whether people are lying to me or not, for some reason I didn't doubt her words.
"I'm not in distress," I retorted, though how I felt, those words seemed to be more of an assurance to myself, than to the Princess.
"So you claim, but I know better," her voice had lost most of its playfulness, instead taking on a more somber tone. She set her teacup down and looked at me with a sympathetic expression. "I honestly do not think for one second that you are not worried that you will never get home, and that you may never see your friends or family again - or even another of your species ever again for that matter. Especially finding out that no pony knows how to send you home either."
"That... is a concern of mine," I managed to slowly agree with her statement. It was an understatement of course, "but-"
The princess cut me off and said, "I am also quite capable of figuring out that your sarcasm and quips are merely your coping mechanisms towards the situation at hand. Twilight even suspects as much."
I stayed silent at this. There's a time and place for my wit; this was not one of those moments.
"Because of these issues, and the fact that I feel no ill-intent from you," she spoke in a formal tone, "I have decided that I will tentatively see how you interact with pony society at large. I think we both agree you have been kept here under guard for long enough."
I nodded my head in agreement, though I looked for something, anything to get my mind off of the past minute of conversation, and the sinking feeling of my predicament. I had tried my best to brush these worries off; hell, the insanity around me even provided a damn good distraction. But here, there was no hiding at the moment...
Looking at the Princess, I asked, "What would have happened otherwise?"
She sighed at that question. "Before we go into that, I would ask for you to please understand my position, Shaun. I have the safety of my ponies to think of, and that will always be my priority as the princess of Equestria. While I remained quite positive that you were not a direct threat, I am was also unsure how your mere presence would influence this world."
For some reason, the thought of me simply disappearing played out in my head.
She noticed the worried look in my eyes, chuckled, and gave me a reassuring smile. "Do not worry, Shaun. You would not have been harmed. Though, I would have by necessity had to isolate you as much as possible from the rest of pony society."
"So," I tried not to sound nervous, "in other words locked away?"
"In a way; though more along the lines of a guest if your attitude permitted it. I," she trailed off, and for an brief instant I thought I saw a pained look on her face before it vanished. "I do not like the idea of having a living being imprisoned, and have thankfully only rarely had to resort to that option."
Although her answer worried me, I couldn't help notice the audible sadness in her voice. At least she'd be a compassionate jailor, right?
I thought about her words for a moment before a thought crossed my mind. "I take it with minimal contact from ponies?"
"That would be the point," she admitted reluctantly, "although not completely isolated."
A curious notion crossed my mind. "Hypothetically speaking, Celestia, if this situation were to have happened… would I have been isolated from your little protégé?”
“If we are dealing with hypotheticals, Shaun,” she said with what I almost took for a sly smile, “then I will say that hypothetically Twilight would not cease to ask for information from you. In fact, I cannot see the situation being really different than how it is now.”
“Oh… glad you clarified,” I responded slowly. “For what it’s worth, I’m relieved you didn’t arrive at that decision. You are a very wise ruler.”
Hey, you’d suck up too at this point if it meant not dealing with Sparky... so bite me.
"I appreciate your compliments," she took another sip of tea. "Having decided that you can in fact be allowed to interact with pony society, I give you permission to have supervised trips outside of the castle walls for until further notice. As such," she levitated a necklace from out of the bag towards me, "I will give you this for the time being."
I grabbed it out of the air and asked, “What’s this?”
“It’s an amulet that I have enchanted with a minor 'want to know about it' charm," she stated as if I would understand what that meant. I'd say I slept through magical theory, but that class wasn't offered at my university...
I looked at the amulet, then back to her in confusion, “A what now?”
"I'm sorry," she replied somewhat sheepishly. “It’s a relatively minor spell that will make ponies more curious, rather than fearful, of you.”
I sighed, “Oh good, that’s exactly what I've been thinking I needed the most…”
She chuckled slightly at my reaction. “It may be hard to tell, but the ponies you have met thus far are not like the rest of my little ponies. Most of my subjects are very kind, but also very fearful of the unknown. This would at least minimize any… situations that may occur due to your appearance... or mannerisms.”
I looked at her thoughtfully before asking, "Which of the two would be more problematic in your opinion?"
Instead of replying she merely smiled at me before refilling her teacup. I was about to press the question before a knock on the door drew both of our attentions away from the conversation. The door opened and a guard pony walked in, stopping just barely inside the room.
"My apologies, Princess," he said in a formal tone, "but your orders were to inform you when the preparations were complete."
"You have my appreciation," she smiled at the guard. She looked back at me before saying, "I'm sorry to once again cut our conversation short, but I must attend to a few important matters."
"That's fine," I replied. Although I didn't so much mind the talk, I was ready to go back to some nice comfy brooding.
She looked to the guard. "Would you please escort Mr. Davis to Twilights dormitory. I believe she wanted to meet with him after all. I believe change of scenery for this meeting would do both of them well. He will not need a guard once there, so return to the castle afterwards."
'What's that, Mr. Universe, buddy? No peace for me today? Really? Well screw you too...’
The guard looked surprised for a moment, but reluctantly agreed.
I said nothing, but I couldn't help but look slightly annoyed at this turn of events.
She noticed the change in my demeanor before smiling warmly at me. "Shaun, I'm sure that I can arrange a solution to help alleviate some of your privacy problems soon enough. Though once again, I would ask for you to forgive my little ponies... they can be overly enthusiastic at times. But personally, that’s what I love about them the most."
With that, I left the room and followed the guard assigned as my escort. I have to admit, it seems she honestly understands my situation. I think things are really looking up at this point in time. Princess Celestia really is a caring, benign, and understanding ruler.
The future is looking bright again for the moment! Hope is kindled!
~'.'~'.'~
I have to admit, it did feel better being outside; hell, I even felt my normal humorous self gloriously returning. Although, it could also be due to the fact that I was no longer in the presence of the Princess. I hate to admit it, but thinking back on how she saw right through me kind of unnerved me.
Knowing that Sparky did as well... that just annoyed me.
It was strange at first being outside in the land of ponies. I’ll have to admit that Canterlot, while comically named, is certainly beautiful. Though, I couldn’t help but wonder when some of the more ‘creative’ building designs would topple on top of me.
What? That’s a genuine fear when your life has seemingly become the text book example of Murphy’s Law in action. Although, I do feel good knowing that I at least have one law left that helps me understand what my existence has devolved into…
Understanding not being able to understand is a comforting notion. Or was that too complicated? How about, “realizing I am ignorant is bliss.” Is that better?
Most of the ponies walking around gave me a wide berth; though I suppose it’s a good thing they were not running and screaming out of fear. That could only end in another misunderstanding and a pony pile on top of Shaun by some guards again. Seems the amulet was working; that, or the guard that was currently escorting me.
Maybe it was a combination of the two.
I had quickly gotten annoyed at his terse nature on the walk towards where I was going to meet Sparky; the guard was utterly devoid of anything that hinted at fun it seemed. The least Celestia could have done was given me someone with the muscles capable of making a smile. Though, that did give me an idea.
I smirked at the guard and said, "You know what? I never got your name; but you look like your name is Chuckles to me."
My escort did not look pleased at my humor and tried to correct me. "My name is not Chuckles, my name is-"
Once again, I don’t care about pony names.
"It's okay, Chuckles," I quickly cut him off, "I wouldn't like my name either if I were you. Though, you don't have to worry about me judging you based on your name. I’ll just judge you off of being a pony."
'And oh how I shall judge you...'
A bit unfair perhaps? Sorry, even though they all look the same, I'm fairly sure that this is one of my pony pile assailants. That means I’m justified now. Your logical rebuttal is not welcome here.
The guard ceased trying to reprimand me, and instead simply continued to look forward, a slight scowl marring his features. Aside from Sparky, these ponies were just too easy to goad; I suppose they have never run into anything like me before.
I’m making humanity proud here...
We continued to walk down the road until we came to a rather uniquely designed tower. Which of course means that to me it looks like it will fall any second now. The guard motioned for me to follow him up the stairs. We stopped in front of a set of gold colored doors, before he turned to me and said, "This is where Ms. Sparkle stays. I have been told to let you wait here for her and that my presence would not be required. Speak to her assistant, wait for her, and above all else, do not cause any trouble."
He turned to walk off, but I stopped him to ask, "Sooo... you are just leaving me here without supervision?"
Hell, even I think that's a bad idea...
The guard continued to walk away and offhandedly told me over his shoulder, "Don't worry, we're still watching you even if you don't know from where." He then continued his way down the stairs and back to the castle.
Err... okay. Guard pony stalkers... great...
I knocked on the door and heard a muffled voice cry out, "coming." The door opened to reveal a small purple lizard...thing. We both looked at each other for a minutes, each of us slightly surprised at the appearance of the other. It took me a second to realize what was standing in front of me; this must be Spike, that baby dragon Sparky had mentioned before.
He looked me up and down before saying, "Oh, hey! You're that thing that Twilight has been studying, aren't you?!"
Once again, I did not like being called a 'thing.' Time for some mockery it seems. I feigned enthusiasm before saying, "Oh, wow! You're that thing that Sparky mentioned! The little tiny baby thing... right?"
Spike stopped for a second to comprehend what I said before scowling at me, "Hey!" Seems I was right in thinking that he would not like to be referred to as tiny. Some things are just too easy to figure out.
Before he could protest, I said, "Tell you what, you don't call me a 'thing' anymore, and I'll never talk about your height again. Deal?" I held my hand out to him.
Spike looked like he was thinking things over for a moment, before he just shrugged and shook my hand. "Deal."
Just then the door slammed open behind us, throwing both Spike and I to the ground; unfortunately for Spike, I landed on top of him. Hopefully dragons don't get crushed that easily...
"Shaun," questioned the all too familiar voice of Sparky, though she sounded confused. "What are you doing here?"
"I figured I'd just wait here and have you slam the door into me for shits and giggles," I sarcastically said as I began to get off the poor dragon pinned beneath me.
She rolled her eyes and replied, "I don't have time for your games now, Shaun. Why are you here?"
"Because," I said as I struggled to get up, "the Princess decided that I should get out, see the world, meet you at your home for a friendly get together with my probation officer."
She looked at me puzzled for a moment, before simply shaking her head at my antics. I have to admit, she seems to do that a lot around me. "I don't have time for this, Shaun. Can you at least tell me if you have seen my assistant, Spike? He's a little purple-"
"Yeah yeah, your dragon friend," I reached under me and pulled out the poor little guy, who was now gasping for air, "got crushed when you burst through the doors."
"Oh, sorry Spike," she said as she ran inside. This was a mare on a mission, and the books she began to shove out of her way only proved it.
"No sorry for me, perhaps?" I questioned somewhat indignantly.
"Still not using my real name, perhaps?" she replied offhandedly as she continued to rummage through her books in frustration. Turning to Spike, she said, "Find me that old copy of Predictions and Prophecies."
The poor little dragon immediately began to mindlessly follow her directions. Poor little guy ... learning his place in life as a male so early; it just isn't fair. I pity him.
"Wait," I thought about the title of the book she mentioned, "did you say predictions and prophecies? Sounds incredibly useful! Shall I get my crystal ball and some tea leaves to assist as well?" Sparky turned to me for a moment, giving me an annoyed stare, but opted to not even grace my attempt at help with a reply.
She quickly began to levitate a number of books towards her, "No... no... no, no, no!" Seems she's bad at keeping up with all of her books. "Ugh, Spike!"
"It's over here," cried out Spike from on top of a ladder. I couldn't help but wonder if that wasn't the best thing for him to say, as she pulled both him and the book to her. Poor Spike met the floor yet again.
Sparky ignored the state of her poor assistant, and began to read through the book. I overheard her repeating the word 'elements' over and over again. But by this point I had simply lost track of caring.
... Yes, you can lose track of caring. I'm doing it right now in fact over what you might be thinking...
While Sparky continued her tripping around the library, I opted to look around the place she called home. Now, I'm not a stranger to books; my major requires me to read them after all. Hell, I even read them because I like to... usually. And I'll admit that I have a number of books myself; but damn, I would say the unicorn put the public library down the street to shame.
I continued to look around until I saw Spike balancing on top of a ladder... that was standing straight up. I really should be warning him about doing that. In fact I thought about it and began to speak, "Damn kid, you aren't too bright, are you?"
… Okay, that did not come out with the warning I had envisioned...
The dragon looked down at me, confusion on his face. "What do you mean?"
I was about to speak up when I noticed he lost his balance on the ladder, and promptly began to fall, letting out a surprised yell as gravity tried to teach him a practical lesson. "Oh shit," I managed to say as I ran to catch him. I knew I wasn't close enough to make it in time to reach him and could only watch as he fell...
... And landed on the back of Sparky. Well... that was anti-climatic.
She was holding a quill and roll of parchment in her mouth, which she promptly handed off to the baby dragon before saying, "Never mind him, Spike, we have more important issues to take care of. Take a note, please, to the Princess."
"Oookie dokie," replied the dragon as he slid down her tail.
"My dearest teacher," she said in an all knowing tone of voice, "my continuing studies of pony magic have led me to discover that we are on the precipice of disaster-"
"Hold on... pre... preci... ," said Spike a few times, unable to spell the offending word.
She looked at him before suggesting, "Threshold?"
"Threeh... ," he repeated, unable to spell this word as well. Poor Spike. It seems Sparky just isn't worried about his education that much, is she?
"Uh, brink," suggested Sparky with some uncertainty.
This time Spike just looked at her dumbfounded. I held myself back from laughing.
"Ugh," Sparky growled in frustration. "That something really bad is about to happen!"
Spike finally found words he could continue to write with again, and quickly went back to scribbling.
After she was sure he had been able to write that down, she continued on with her delusions. "For you see, the mythical mare in the moon is in fact Nightmare Moon, and she's about to return to Equestria. And bring with her eternal night."
I couldn't let that one go, and decided to once again speak up, "Uhhh, Sparky... have you gone coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs?"
She turned around to looked at me, one eyebrow raised up in a confused expression. "... What? Wait, never mind; that's not important." She shook her head, clearly not wanting to play my game at the moment.
She just turned back to her assistant and said, "Continuing on, Spike. Something must be done to make sure this terrible prophecy does not come true. I await your quick response. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
"Twiii-light Sparrr-kle," said Spike as he finished the letter. "Got it!"
"Great," she responded eagerly, "send it!"
"Now?" Spike questioned, sounding really unsure of the notion.
If Sparky heard the uncertainty in his voice, she didn't acknowledge it. "Of course."
"Uh, I don't know Twilight. Princess Celestia is a little busy getting ready for the Summer Sun celebration. And it's just like, the day after tomorrow," replied Spike.
I realized his mistake right away, even if he unfortunately did not. He just tried to use logic and reason in an unreasonable situation. In other words, it won't work out. Too much crazy, not enough clarity going on in that unicorn's mind at the moment.
She looked straight at him, and talked down to him, "That's just it Spike. The day after tomorrow is the thousandth year of the Summer Sun celebration! It's imperative that the princess is told right away."
Finally deciding to add my two cents, I tried to bail Spike out of this situation. "I'll have to agree with Spike on this one, Sparky. I don't know what this celebration is about, but I think the princess doesn't really need a big ball of crazy dropped on her right now, wouldn't you agree?"
The dragon looked at me somewhat confused. "Why do you keep calling her Sparky?"
"Because that's Twilight's nickname," I replied matter-of-factly, "just roll with it."
I was satisfied to see him think about it for a second before he simply nodded with a grin, "I like it."
Sparky looked at the two of us in annoyance, before deciding to simply glare at Spike until he sent the letter.
"Okay, okay," he flinched and took a deep breath, blowing green fire onto the letter. I watched it with interest as the letter disintegrated and followed the trail of sparkling smoke with my eyes as it flew out the window.
"There, it's sent," he said. He then looked at Sparky with a 'you'll see' kind of look and smugly said, "But I wouldn't hold your breath."
"Yeah, I wouldn't either," I paused and looked at Sparky before grinning. "Actually, that sounds like a good idea for you Sparks. You can't talk while you hold your breath after all."
She glared at me, then looked at both of us smugly, "Oh, I'm not worried you two. The princess trusts me completely." She walked towards Spike with a knowing smile on her face. "In all the years she's been my mentor she's never once doubted me."
"She's probably just fearful of tipping over an unbalanced individual," I said, my face breaking into a huge grin as I did so.
'Pony tipping... there's a strange thought.'
Sparky looked at me strangely. "Why would the Princess trip me?"
'... That would be funny to watch...'
Spike, who stood there with his arms crossed suddenly looked like he had a bad case of indigestion. This was quickly followed by the purple dragon burping up a scroll similar to the one that was just sent. And of course, I couldn't but question the hygienic deficiencies of this particular method of mail delivery.
'... Uh... yeah... I don't know what to say to that one.'
Sparky once again gave us both smug looks before saying, "I knew she'd want to take immediate action!"
Spike unrolled the letter and began reading the princess's response. "My dearest most faithful student, Twilight. You know that I value your diligence and that I trust you completely."
The purple pony of inflated ego nodded and smiled in agreement. I on the other hand groaned.
Spike almost laughed for a second, but continued reading on, "But you simply must stop reading those dusty old books."
Sparky's face looked like it wanted to fall to the floor as she gasped in surprise.
"My dear Twilight," Spike continued on, "there is more to a young ponies life than studying. So I am sending you to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration, in this year's location, Ponyville. And, I have an even more essential task for you to complete: make some friends."
Sparky stood there completely dumbfounded. I couldn't help but burst out laughing at the look on her face. "Well, there's always a first for everything! I told you, Sparky. Even she must think you are going insane at this point in time!"
Spike was about to laugh as well, but once again looked like he had a bad case of indigestion before he burped up a follow-up letter. He cleared his throat once again and began reading the second letter. "On further reflection, I believe it would be best if you were to take Shaun along with you. I believe he would do well to get out and meet other ponies. I entrust this task to you Twilight, and I know you will not disappoint me."
Sparky looked perplexed, and I lost all sense of amusement immediately as I let those words sink in. Did she just add me as an afterthought? Wait, no Shaun, that’s not the important part. Did she just basically order that I go with Sparky? The tormentor of my dreams? The destroyer of ear lobes?
…
What…
… The…
... Fuck?!
Damn it, damn it, damn it! The future is not bright; it’s bleak as hell! To think I was fooled into believing she was 'benign, caring, and understanding'. Underneath that graceful and seemingly sincere exterior lies the heart of a troll!
…
Admittedly with my luck, I should have seen that one coming; solving privacy problems my ass, Celestia. It seems that no matter where you go, a troll is bound to be there. Except in my case, this one can apparently control my life...
Okay, I’m about to start an inner monologue that no one should see. So... we’ll call it quits for the time being. Agreed? You can go back to your comfy life, and I’ll start working on shredding what hope I had remaining.
...
Are you worried about me shredding my hope? Don't be. Sometimes you just got to let things in life go; and boy will the firestorm of obscenities I’m about send my hope off with, be something to behold…
Just not for you. Anyway, I've said it once, and I'll say it again... fuck my life...
Yours truly,
S.A.D
~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~’.’~’.’~
Thanks goes to my normal pre-readers, Meliron and 00lizard. A thanks goes out to Invictus as well for offering me some sound advice, pre-reading, and help.
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Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis
Chapter Three: So a Man, a Mare, and a Baby Dragon Flew Into Ponyville...
Chapter Three: So a Man, a Mare, and a Baby Dragon Flew Into Ponyville...
Disclaimer: So yeah, here we are again ... wait ... again?! You mean to say that RandomEncounter updated?! Damn! Well, I’m assuming you are a smart individual and know who owns what ... though that could be folly on my part. Anyway, get to reading!
Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis
Chapter Three: So a Man, a Mare, and a Baby Dragon Flew Into Ponyville ...
Author: RandomEncounter
~'.'~'.'~
Well, hello there again, friend! So good of you to stop by for another visit. Just to let you know, I really do enjoy these moments with you. It's something to actually look forward to; a bit of normality in an otherwise abnormal day ... life … existence ...
How am I doing you ask? Well, I'm doing ... wait, what's that? You didn't ask? Oh, I'm sure you did. I wouldn't just hear things like that, would I? You're right, of course not, Shaun!
Anyway, back to the question at hand, I'd love to assure you that I am in fact NOT doing alright at the moment. After we left off last time I mentally prepared myself for possibly having my life screwed over on a daily basis. It was fairly easy, a three step process even!
The first step involved me having a small breakdown once again. After that, the next step involved ice cream ... lots and lots of damned delicious ice cream. The final step involved me looking into a mirror and telling myself that, no, life is in fact not okay anymore and I will just have to man up and deal with it like a boss. That final bit instilled the confidence I needed in order to face the trials ahead.
Bring it on, ponies. I'm ready for any damn thing you throw at me now!
And so I was ...
… Or at least I thought I was ...
Then I find myself in a situation like this one. But before I go into details, just for the record, I am not afraid of heights. I have never had a problem with flying on an airplane. I love riding roller coasters and have no problem with the feeling of free-fall. I just wanted to establish that fact before you think I'm some sort of scared little baby.
You'll remember that, yes? Not think any less of me, right? Won't revoke my man-card, will you?
…
… I heard that, jerk …
Well, whatever …
So, after possibly being trolled by the ruler of a nation of ponies, I now find myself flying in a chariot pulled by two pegasi guards headed to some town named Ponyville. Yeah, that's right. I'm on a flying chariot to Ponyville! And I can say that without needing some kind of medication ... or therapist.
Actually, I probably do still need both, just ... for different reasons...
You would think flying on a chariot would be an interesting experience. However, I am glad that I am here to educate you on just how wrong you are. Oh, I'm sure this could be more enjoyable if there were more safety devices holding me in here. I mean, my white knuckle death grip seems to have sufficed thus far, but I would feel better if I had a rope or something to tie me in ...
… Or perhaps we could have just taken the pony train I’ve heard about ...
Well, of course that would have been too easy, I suppose ...
On the upside of this little adventure, Sparky seems to be too busy being mad at life and the universe to actually talk, opting instead to hang her head over the side and growl every so often. She was still somewhat emotionally, okay, very emotionally compromised due to the whole situation. Or what I mean to say ... she is pissed off. Perhaps a little sad as well, but pissed off first and foremost.
The little dragon wasn’t helping things, either. He kept talking, and even though I wasn’t paying attention, Sparky kept glancing at him, then at the ground in frustration. It was obvious ...
Wait, what's that? You want to know why I’m not listening to what Spike is talking about? Yeah, um, if I haven't made it abundantly clear, I have more pressing issues of concern at this moment. Like, oh ... falling to my death? So ... in other words, I don't know, nor do I give a damn about what is being said.
Shaun is once again all out of fucks to give. Please try again later.
I saw what I believed was the town we were heading to finally coming into view. Like everything else in this world, it looked like the product of the imagination of a seven year old girl. Yet, at this point in time I don’t really give a damn ... I just want this chariot to land. Then again, this might not be our destination and we in fact might just have another hour to go ...
Remember, the universe has me on its shit list at the moment. And Murphy is its hitman ...
When we started to descend, out of instinct I immediately began to look for the nearest floatation device ... but there was only Sparky or Spike. Hell, Sparky was more of a lead weight than a useful lifesaver if our interactions were any indication to go on.
… What's that? Why am I looking for a floatation device, you ask? That’s ... actually a good question ... I’ll get back to you when I can find an acceptable answer.
Anyway, thankfully for my nerves and the stomach ulcer I was tenderly nurturing, I realized that this was indeed our destination. Seems the natural order was either feeling merciful, looking the other way, or too busy screwing someone or something else over at the moment. Don’t know, don’t care ... I just caught a break!
’Welcome to Pony-freaking-ville, Shaun! Population? Who the hell cares?! You can walk on solid ground again!’
So ... in my mind when we landed, I was going to keep my cool, step off the chariot, and take a deep breath. I perhaps might even wave and great the citizens in a refined and cheerful manner. And everything would be fine again for a few moments, at least.
… Sadly, what Shaun thinks and what Shaun does seldom match up ...
Shaking badly, I stumbled out of the chariot. My legs finally gave out and I landed on the cobblestone street on my hands and knees. I proceeded to try and hug the ground beneath me while screaming, “Land! Sweet, sweet, delicious land! I love you so much!”
Not as much as beer or bacon of course, but land ... you can be my mistress on the side.
My compatriots, as well as a number of ponies in the immediate area, gave me strange looks for the outburst. However, I ignored the small crowd that kept its distance because, as I said earlier, Shaun just doesn’t give a damn at the moment. I have ground, my life is complete.
Sparky shook her head and disembarked from the chariot, followed closely by her trusty sidekick. She looked at the two pegasi with a smile, "Thank you, sirs." They snorted with pride at the appreciation.
As the unicorn and dragon began to walk off, the two guards then turned to me and stared for a moment before one of them addressed me. "Excuse me ... Shaun ... but I'd just like to remind you of the talk you had with the captain of the guard before you left," said one of the pegasi to me.
Oh yeah, about that ... apparently Twilight's older brother is the captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard ... and a BIT overprotective of his younger sister. My luck may suck, but hell if it isn’t consistent. He had approached me before we left to offer a word of advice. It went something along the lines of, "She's Celestia's student and my younger sister ... just keep that in mind." Short, sweet, to the point, and not the least bit threatening ...
I stood up, dusted myself off, turned back to the pegasi, and gave them a smile along with the one fingered salute. I thought that was the best way to let them know that I understood the message perfectly before picking up my saddlebag.
… Yes, my saddlebag. They’ve had a human in this world for all of two weeks. So no, I don’t have a regular bag. I needed a place to stash our stuff and an extra set of clothes. And barring the name, I’m just thankful it doesn’t look like a European man bag ... or as I like to call them, the man purse.
The pegasi snorted in annoyance, before taking off once again. The guards had caught on that the gesture meant something rude thus far ... though I still had not elaborated on its actual meaning.
Which, by the way, I won't do because contrary to what you might believe, I'm not that stupid ...
As the guards flew off I looked around to take in our surroundings before I noticed a pink pony trotting towards us. Aside from the fact that she looked like her mane and tail came from a cotton candy machine, she looked rather happy and normal, at least to me. Hence, that meant my instincts were setting off alarm bells in my head.
’Beware the unassuming ones, Shaun!’
"Ah, come on Twilight, at least try! Maybe the ponies in Ponyville have interesting things to talk about?" Spike practically begged the unicorn. Seems he really wanted Sparky to heed the princess’ advice.
She sighed, but forced a smile as the pink mare came closer and timidly asked, "Uh … hello?"
Turns out my instincts seem damn good. Instead of responding like one would assume a rational and thinking being would, the pony jumped into the air and gasped. She quickly found the earth again, before bounding off in apparent fright.
...
’… What the hell just happened?’
Sparky looked incredibly confused for a moment, before she frowned in exasperation. "Well, that was interesting, alright..." ’She meant hilarious, of course, but I won’t fault her for mixing up words.’
I regarded the fleeting figure of the excitable pony, "I like Pinks, she seems fairly intelligent." Sparky looked at me, the expression on her face conveying both mild confusion and irritation, and clearly indicating for me to elaborate. "What I mean to say, is that she's probably got a sense for these sorts of things."
"What sorts of things?"
"Spotting lunatics, of course."
Sparky opened her mouth to say something, but instead just rubbed her forehead while looking at me in annoyance. "I hope you know that before I started dealing with you, I seldom had any headaches. Now I have headaches every day, Shaun! Why do you think I get so many headaches lately?"
I looked at her thoughtfully for a moment before responding. "Brain cancer?"
She opened her mouth, clearly ready for a retort, but then she blinked in confusion, "What's cancer?" ’Annnnnd there goes my joke ...’
I sighed, “It’s not funny if I have to explain. ..” ’Well ... technically not funny either way, I suppose.’
Sparky looked at me, but before she could speak, Spike finally decided to chime in again, "Can you two at least try to enjoy this trip and not continue to act like a merlion and a mane of war?" '... A what the hell now?'
I looked at Spike with a raised eyebrow. "Umm, please forgive me for not getting the reference ... but what are those?"
Twilight rolled her eyes at the both of us before looking at me to explain. "A merlion is a rather annoying, and at times, mildly dangerous sea creature, with the head of a lion and the body of a fish. Their chief rivals over territory are the mane of war ... it's a jellyfish with a mane."
"... seriously?" I questioned. That just sounded entirely made up.
"Of course I'm being serious. Why wouldn't I be?"
I looked at her flatly, looking for any hint of insincerity on her face, but there was none. Slowly I began to ask, "So ... basically a freaky fish and a jellyfish with hair, that fight each other over territory?" I looked at Spike, "That doesn't seem anything like us. Well ... maybe a little, but only remotely."
Before Spike could say anything, Sparky let out an annoyed breath and began to elaborate, "They don't physically fight each other. Instead, they release a prolonged series of high pitched noises in an attempt to irritate their opponents into submission ... though generally, it seldom works.”
I thought about that statement for a moment before hesitantly asking, "So ... they scream and bicker at one another until one side gives up?"
The unicorn nodded, "Essentially."
"Oh, okay then," I paused to think before I looked at Spike and smiled, "An apt observation on your part I suppose, Mr. Dragon."
Apparently he didn’t expect that sort of response; however, after briefly looking at me strangely, he just shrugged his shoulders. "Thanks!" he exclaimed with a smirk, before quickly looking confused. "What does 'apt' mean?"
"Ugh," huffed Twilight, who then turned and began to walk off. "Let's just move on and get everything over with already ..."
I gave her a mock salute, “Will do, Miss Grumpy-corn.” Instinctively, I believe Sparky understood that this was going to be a long day ... for her, at least.
As for myself? Well, when life gives you ponies ... actually ... screw you, life! That is all.
~'.'~'.'~
The walk through town was strange, to say the least. Every pony stopped to look at me as we made our way to our first destination, though thankfully none of them ran away screaming about the monster that is Shaun. Not saying that the stares bother me ... actually, yes they do. Apparently the ponies didn’t understand it was rude to give someone the impression they were probably best at home at a sideshow.
Thankfully, none of the onlookers attempted to talk to us; though I noticed one mare in particular, a mint green one with a lyre for a cutie mark, stopped to gawk at me for an exceptionally long time. For some reason she unnerved me the most ...
We continued walking along the road that led outside the town in relative silence. Which meant that ultimately I was bored. And cranky still. Getting a bit hungry, too ...
My stomach growled at that realization and I had to ask, “Hey, do we actually know where we’re going? I’m getting kind of hungry here ...”
“Of course we do, Shaun,” replied Sparky matter-of-factly. “Did you think the Princess would send me here without telling me what we needed to do?”
“Need I remind you that she sent me with you? That doesn’t constitute sound planning, if you ask me.”
Sparky continued to trot away, not bothering to look at me as she flatly questioned, “Well, did we ask you?”
“Umm, no … ” ’That’s actually becoming a common theme in this world …’
She looked over her shoulders and narrowed her eyes at me, “There’s a reason for that.”
“Ouch, Sparky. That cut me deep …”
She said nothing in return, and continued on in silence until we found ourselves nearing a farm. Now, I’m just going to take a stab in the dark here … but with all the apple trees around I’m going to guess this is an apple orchard. Therefore, they probably make their living off the growing and selling of apples! Never let it be said that I wasn’t a bright and observant one!
… Actually, it would be my luck they make their living off the growing and selling of carrots ...
The unrolling of a parchment brought me back to reality. "Summer Sun Celebration's Official Overseer's Checklist,” said Spike as he looked at a parchment in his claws, “Number one, banquet preparations, Sweet Apple Acres.”
“Yeehaw!” cried out a voice off to our right. Turning towards the newcomer, I saw a blonde maned orange earth pony wearing a Stetson hat charging at a tree. As the pony neared it, she quickly spun around and bucked the trunk, knocking all the apples off the tree and neatly into awaiting baskets on the ground before striking a smug looking pose ...
...
… Yup, seems legit to me ...
Oh, and her cutie mark is three apples. Guess that means she works with apples then, right?
’I’m batting a thousand on the observations today!’
Twilight sighed, “Let’s get this over with ...”
She walked up to the pony and with an air of importance began, “Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle and-”
Sparky didn’t get a chance to continue as the pony in question quickly came up to her and began to shake hooves vigorously. “Well howdy do, Ms. Twilight! A pleasure makin’ your acquaintance! I’m Applejack. We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like makin’ new friends!”
“Friends?” questioned Sparky.
I looked at the comical display, briefly amused before I realized that was probably me next. Yeeeeaaaaahhh ... that looks like it might hurt some. Not letting that happen to me ...
Time for some good old fashioned human logic!
The farm pony finally turned to me with a questioning look, but still offered me her hoof as well. “Nice to meet ya as well, Mr ...”
“Davis, Shaun Davis. And I must apologize, but the shaking of limbs in such a vigorous fashion as a greeting is a sign of sexual promiscuity among my people." I coughed and nodded my head at her, “A simple nod will suffice.”
Sparky looked at me wide-eyed, slack-jawed, and dumbfounded. Spike was scratching his head, a look of confusion adorning his face once again. Seriously, is she teaching this young mind any advanced vocabulary? Apparently not ... poor kid.
As for Applejack ... she just looked lost and confused, “Sexual promi-what now?”
“Don’t mind him!” quickly exclaimed the unicorn with a strained smile as she pushed me to the side. ’Hey ... if she wants to do the talking, I’ll be more than happy to step aside ...’
I nodded in agreement, “I can say from personal experience that’s probably the best advice she’ll ever give you.”
“Err, alrigh’ I suppose,” she hesitantly said as she looked at the both of us with a confused expression. “So ... what can I do ya for?”
Twilight cleared her throat, “Well, I am in fact here to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration. And you’re in charge of the food?”
“We sure as sugar are!” replied Applejack enthusiastically. “Would y'all care to sample some?”
Ohhhhh yes! Food! Food, food, food, food!
“Well, as long as it doesn’t-”
I interrupted Sparky’s game of crush-my-hope. “Ma’am, we would be delighted to partake of any dishes you wish to present to us!”
“Err, what he means to say-” Sparky, once again, never got the chance to finish her statement as the farm pony had already run off. You would think that by now she would know ponies just don’t care to listen to her ...
The country mare began to ring an old fashioned chuck house triangular bell and yelled, “Sooouuups on, everypony!” Immediately I felt the ground beneath the three of us begin to shake. Let me warn you, that is never a good sign. Though, at least it gave me a indication of what was coming next. Ponies ... lots and lots of freaking ponies ...
’... Mother of god ...’
I quickly turned around to look at the approaching storm, and must admit that sadly I suck at guesstimating. It wasn’t just a lot of ponies ... it seems the Apple family fielded a small battalion. At least one thing was for certain, the Apple family was good at growing more than just apples.
… Perhaps I wasn’t too far off about that promiscuity? Seems it really is all in the handshakes.
We quickly found ourselves swarmed by the regiment of ponies, and were somehow seated at a large round table in under five seconds. I have no damn clue how that worked out. Also, for some reason Applejack saw fit to introduce the whole family to us. That’s right ... every ... last ... damn ... one of them.
Well, at least they were throwing plates of food on the table that corresponded to each pony's name. Cute ...
I grabbed one of the apple strudels that wasn’t buried underneath something, and watched the show continue. Got to admit, I almost spit my food out in a fit of laughter as Applejack shoved an apple in Sparky’s mouth. That had to be one of the more interesting ways I’ve seen her get shut up!
As soon as the farm pony finished her introductions, my unicorn sidekick spit out the apple in her mouth. “Okay … well …” She smiled, “I can see the food situation is handled. So, we’ll be on our way!”
All the ponies around us let out sounds of disappointment. I could sympathize; Sparky excelled at dashing my hopes as well ...
This time, however, life had seen fit to throw her another curve ball as a small voice spoke up, “Aren’t y’all gonna stay for brunch?”
I looked down and saw a small filly, Apple Bloom if I remember correctly. She was giving my poor companion the most pleadingly adorable eyes I’ve ever seen. Only a cold hearted S.O.B. … or Bill O’Reilly, could look at those huge orbs of barely contained sadness and not succumb to them.
Sparky also looked at her, clearly unable to bring herself to say no to those pleading eyes. Hence, why she probably looked to me at that moment; clearly she wanted me to be the asshole for the team. ’Oh, so now you want me to be the negotiator. Not too smart there Sparky ...’
I sighed and knelt down in front of the pouting filly and said, “We have a lot to do today, and we really should be going.” I saw Sparky visibly relax while the little mare looked like I’d just kicked a puppy in front of her.
I smiled before exclaiming, “But all three of us would love to stay since an awesome little filly such as yourself asked so kindly!”
I can be a jerk, but I’m not one to make a child ... filly ... whatever ... sad on purpose. Shaun also doesn’t play by no pony’s rules and expectations! And this brief display of kindness was in no way due in large part to the fact I still got to annoy Sparky in the process.
Nope, only one hundred percent altruism here, folks!
A collective cheer rose from the Apple family, and Apple Bloom herself was hopping up and down with a wide smile on her face. Sparky for the most part kept her cool, but when she stared at me, I knew that an auditory nuclear bomb was in store for me in the near future. Oh well, at least Spike looked happy about the turn of events.
As for myself? I had more food … and right now, that’s all that Shaun cares about!
For the next twenty minutes or so we continued to sample dish after dish, and I fielded a number of questions from the more curious of the ponies. The questions weren't too bad, though Applejack looked a little squeamish when I mentioned my dietary needs; didn't help when I explained what qualified as food was anything dumber than us generally. As for the food, it wasn't half bad; unfortunately though, all of it was made with apples. That’s fine for a time on an empty stomach, but after a while … you just get tired of everything being freaking apple based.
Although, I could go for a bacon wrapped apple at the moment …
… What? Don’t you dare judge me! It would be healthily unhealthy and delicious at the same time and you know it ...
Glancing over at my personal jailer, I couldn’t help but notice how angry she looked. The way she destroyed that last piece of pie … well, all I can say is that I’ve seen documentaries of lions that acted kinder to their prey than she did when using that fork.
And I’ll admit, a little part of me started to feel bad for her … cause I know I was to blame and thus would have to deal with another lecture. The lecture part is what really bothered me the most. I suppose I should try to cheer her up, if only for my sake ...
Leaning close to her ear I asked, “You okay?”
“Shaun, I don’t want to hear those words from you, directed at me,” she seethed in a whisper. "You do know that we have more pressing issues, and you somehow got us stuck here … right?”
’Ah yes … the prophecies of doom and gloom. I forgot all about that very serious issue. Seems Shaun has doomed every pony. Oh no!'
I shrugged and looked at her curiously, "Here’s an idea … why don't we just leave?"
"You were the one that refused to get us out of here in the first place! And now I don't want to be rude!" she hissed back firmly. "We'll just wait and slip out at the best-" ’Too complicated …’
I grinned at her. "Leave it to me since you are in such a hurry."
"What are you doing?" she hurriedly questioned under her breath. ’She has some serious trust issues …’
"Trust me, I'm a pro at handling this sort of dilemma." I turned to the orange earth pony on my right before Sparky had a chance to protest my overstated qualifications and said, "So Applejack, you seemed slightly curious about the human world earlier if I remember correctly, right?"
"Ah reckon ah am a bit."
"Yes, of course, who wouldn't be? Strange 'critter' from another world and all. Though, I must admit I find YOUR world extremely curious as well," I raised my voice slightly in hopes that more of the Apple family would listen in on our little chat.
"Oh, yeah?" she questioned curiously. "Why's that?"
"Well aside from sentient talking ponies, I've just been taking notice of all the species my world has in common with yours. I see the farms around here share some of those animals. In fact, people in my country raise many chickens, cows, and pigs on farms and ranches as well, every year."
"Ya don' say?" I noticed that most of the chatter had died down and the better part of the Apple family were now focused on our conversation. ’Guess they never heard that curiosity killed the cat?’
I scratched my chin and feigned curiosity, “Yeah, I was wondering why you keep them around though ...”
Applejack gave me a strange look, and for some reason I couldn’t help but wonder if she suspected the sincerity behind my words. Either way she answer my question, “Milk from the cows, others for company ... some of them are pets, even.” She looked at me suspiciously, raising an eyebrow. “So why d'y’all keep ‘em around?”
I gave her the widest grin I possibly could, making sure the canines in my mouth were clearly visible. "Yeah, where I come from those are just some of the species I mentioned that aren't smart and don't talk!" ’Okay, in all fairness to Sparky, I admit those trust issues are probably warranted around me.’
A few moments later, and I find it amazing that even though we are standing outdoors in the middle of the entire Apple family, it's so quiet I could hear a pin drop. Actually ... I think I can hear a strange noise. I looked around, but couldn’t seem to make out where it is coming from. I look to my faithful unicorn companion and Spike to see if they notice the sound as well.
… Oh, wait. That's Sparky's left eyebrow twitching.
It's got a nice ring to it at least!
~'.'~'.'~
I was always told that doing a good deed brought about a certain amount of fulfillment in one’s life. Well, I had just helped out Sparky in an uncomfortable situation ... and I had no sense of satisfaction whatsoever. In fact, right now the only sensation I could feel was loathing ...
Why, you ask? Well, there is only so much lecturing one can take ... before one cannot take it anymore ...
"I cannot believe you just did that," ground out the irritated little pony as we made our way from the Apple Family's farm. You do someone … err ... somepony a favor, and this is how they repay you ...
"Oh, lighten up, Sparky. I got us out of there, didn't I?" At least Spike looked amused as he continued to walk next to us, though he was clearly distancing himself from me. Either he feared for his safety because of me, or he feared for his safety while close to me, as I had annoyed his big sister figure. Either way, I could only admire his sense of self-preservation; it was a skill I found myself sorely lacking.
"I wanted to get out of there as discreetly and politely as possible. Do you even know what those two words mean?!"
I looked up at the sky and rubbed my chin, feigning ignorance. "Hmmm, must not have read about those particular lessons yet in any of those foals books you gave me."
She looked at me, her expression devoid of any humor. "Don't play dumb with me, Shaun." Hey, you ask a stupid question, you get a smartass answer. It's another cosmic law. I'll fill her in on that one later though … it's best not to tempt fate at the moment.
"I'm just saying, you're responsible for my moral upbringing, apparently, and you seem to be doing a bad job so far if I don't know such important words and values yet ..."
"Shaun ..."
"Why, I shudder to think what your own foal may behave like when you finally settle down ..."
"Shaun !" screamed Ms. Angry-corn.
Spike cringed, and for a moment I swear I thought I saw her mane begin to smolder. Me thinks it's best to stop now ...
"Alright, alright," I brought my hands up in a placating gesture, "of course I know what those words mean, Sparky. But knowing about and acting upon information are two distinctly different concepts." ’Especially for me.’
"Besides,” I tried to smooth things over with a shrug, “it's not like they kicked us out. They just ... didn't object when I mentioned we had other places to be. That counts for something, right?"
The purple unicorn just looked at me in frustration, but refused to answer.
"And didn't you tell me that unless I said I ate ponies, no one would really care about my cravings for the flesh of lesser beings?"
Sparky sighed in irritation, "No, I did not say that. After that incident with the Equestrian Zoology Society, I, in fact, told you not to mention what bacon is or where it comes from again. I thought you understood that meant you basically shouldn’t admit to eating your world’s version of ponies’ companions and pets altogether ..."
"Well, I think you learned a valuable lesson today on dealing with Shaun." I looked at Spike and smiled. "Wouldn't you agree she did?"
He looked between the two of us nervously, "Oh no, don’t drag me into this. I don't have an opinion either way!"
What did I say, great sense of self preservation!
The mare looked at me. "Perhaps it would be best that you did as little talking as possible at our next stop? I’d recommend for you to just say hello, but I’m extremely worried you’ll somehow mess that up as well …” ’Hey … that’s a bit mean, don’t you think?’
"Where's the trust, Sparky?" I bemoaned in mock pain, adding a few fake sniffles for flare.
She narrowed her eyes and gave me another no-nonsense look. "I'd say we left that on the Apple Family's property, torn and tattered to pieces. Wouldn’t you agree?" ’We had trust there? When am I going to be informed about those sorts of things?’
I crossed my arms, "Oh come on … don't you think it's time to let that one go?"
"It was only ten minutes ago!" she practically yelled.
"Exactly!” I cried out in an overly dramatic fashion. “Life is too short to worry about something for that long ..."
She looked at me incredulously, “You … you …”
“Twilight, how about we get back to the list?” Spike hesitantly asked.
It took a moment, but Sparky visibly calmed down at this suggestion. “Of course. Good idea, Spike. What’s next?”
“Well, since food’s all taken care of, next is the weather...” he trailed off as he glanced at the sky. “Hmm … there’s supposed to be a pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the clouds.”
We all looked to the sky, to see a number of clouds drifting about. I had already been briefed on the whole pegasi and weather thing. Though I found it hard to believe at first, nothing would surprise me at this point.
Oh, well except if things went back to normal for me. I probably wouldn’t survive the shock, though...
“Well, she’s not doing a very good job, is she?” said Sparky sarcastically.
I mumbled, “I’ve been thinking that all day …”
The unicorn looked at me strangely. “How could you possibly be thinking that all day when we just now got to this part of the checklist?”
“You’re assuming I was talking about the weather pony, Sparky.”
“Shaun … need I remind you about the whole talking subject we discu-”
Sparky was cut off once again as a multicolored figure crashed into her, which knocked her into me … with both of us ending up in a huge puddle of mud. So far today all the interruptions have been Shaun suffering-free. Was it so much to ask for that trend to continue?
As I slowly got up, I heard a noise and turned to see a cyan pegasus with a mane more colorful than a bag of Skittles chuckling at us.
“Hehe … uh, ‘scuse me,” said our pony assailant. “Here, let me help you two” she said as she flew off.
Sparky let out a low growl. ’You said it, sister …’
I looked down at the offending mud puddle, and how conveniently inconvenient it was placed. I hadn’t noticed a single puddle elsewhere today, and no indication of rain at all except for right here …
A dark shadow passed over my head, cutting off my musing. I looked up to see a tiny rain cloud overhead, which was then followed by a brief downpour. A head poked out to look over the edge of the cloud; looking down on us and chuckling again was that damn rainbow pegasus.
Oh, that’s right. A random mud puddle makes perfect sense when I remember that the weather of this world doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.
Thank you, mare of colorful pride, for reminding me about why I hate this world so much ...
“Oops, I guess I overdid it.” She began to pat a hoof on her chin, “Um, uh … how ‘bout this!” She took off, and then started flying in circles around us, creating a rainbow cyclone. “My very own patented rain-blow dry!”
Okay … if there was such a thing as intelligent design in this world, the pony god must be high. No, not high in the sky, high. I mean hhhhiiiiiiggggghhhh.
Skittles the annoying pegasus pony slowly floated down to the ground in front of us. “No, no, don’t thank me-”
“Oh, you don’t have to worry about getting a thanks out of us, I can assure you,” I cut her off in a mildly annoyed tone of voice.
I looked down at myself to notice that not only had the rain not cleaned off all the mud, but I was now entirely drenched from head to toe. Looking over to Sparky, I almost laughed at the sight before my eyes; her mane and tail looked like she had stuck a hoof in a light socket. That left me wondering exactly how bad my hair must have looked at the moment.
The pegasus looked at the the two of us and fell to the ground laughing. Our faithful and loyal companion Spike quickly followed suit. On that note, perhaps I could talk Sparky into getting a dog instead ...
“Let me guess,” Sparky spoke up in a tone usually reserved for me, “you’re Rainbow Dash?”
“The one and only!” she exclaimed with pride as she struck a pose. “Why? Have you heard of me?”
“I’m actually starting to wish I had never heard about any ponies at all …” I grumbled.
“What’s that supposed to mean, you …” the polychromatic mare paused, pointing a hoof at me while raising an eyebrow, before asking, "What the hay are you supposed to be, anyway?"
"Me?” I questioned in a mockingly haughty tone. “Oh, I'm nothing much really. Just your common everyday human that has been displaced by some as of yet unknown means into another world and or dimension … perhaps by a higher power with a sick sense of humor."
Skittles tilted her head to the side in confusion, “Huh?”
“Ignore him,” quickly interjected Sparky before I could say another word. “As for how I heard about you, well, I heard that you were supposed to be keeping the sky clear.” She sighed, but then tried to sound less hostile as she introduced us. “I’m Twilight Sparkle and I was sent by the Princess to check on the weather. This is my assistant, Spike,” she pointed a hoof at the dragon who waved in return, “and you’ve already met Shaun so nothing else needs to be said there.”
That actually hurt a bit … wait, no it didn’t. I opened my mouth to say something, but Sparky sent me a glare. Unlike her other ones, this one seemed to promise death … or tough friendship. Either way, I thought it best for the second time today to keep quiet.
Skittles looked unimpressed with Sparky’s introduction, opting instead to hover away and lay on her cloud to laze around. “Yeah, yeah, that’ll be a snap!” She waved the subject off with a hoof, “I’ll do it in a jiffy … just as soon as I’m done practicing.”
Once again I went to say something, and once again destruct-a-corn invoked images of pain and suffering with a mere glare. Shaun, therefore, shall remain quiet once again.
Sparky looked back at the lazy mare with a quizzical expression. “Practicing for what?”
“The Wonderbolts!” she exclaimed in a mildly fangirl-ish manner while pointing to a poster of three blue-clad pegasi on the side of a nearby building. “They’re going to perform at the celebration tomorrow and I’m going to show them my stuff!” Skittles emphasized her point as she did a few flying back flips in the air.
“The Wonderbolts?” Sparky asked smugly.
“Yup!” replied Skittles.
Sparky rolled her eyes. “The most talented flyers in all of Equestria?”
“That’s them!” agreed the cyan mare.
“The ones dressed in these funny looking clown suits?” I questioned as I scrutinized the poster in front of me.
“Ye- heeeey, no!” the pegasus yelled out in annoyance as she turned to stare at me, looking ready to start a fight.
The purple unicorn sighed and pointed a hoof at me, “Shaun. Talking. No. Bad.”
I held up my hands defensively under their whithering glares. “Okay, okay, I was just thinking out loud here … apparently that’s dangerous ...”
Sparky glanced back at Skittles, “Can I just point out before he speaks again that the Wonderbolts would never accept a pegasus that can’t even keep the skies clear for one day …”
Skittles looked to Sparky, then to my grinning face that was nodding in agreement. “Hey,” she said indignantly, “I could clear this sky in ten seconds flat!”
I coughed, and strangely enough, a serious of noises followed that vaguely sounded like the word ‘bullshit.’
Sparky didn’t seem to notice, or didn’t care; but the pegasus looked at me, eyes narrowed and a determined expression on her face. I’m pretty sure she didn’t hear my taunt, but I was also pretty sure she understood that I had in fact challenged her. In a split second she took off from her perch, searching for her first victim.
What followed was the most awesome display of cloud murdering I had ever seen before; although bear in mind this is my first time watching a pegasus pony at work. Skittles flew from cloud to cloud, bucking each out of existence with a single strike every time. It was beautiful, in a way. It was … a cloud-tastrophe!
...
… Yeah, I’ll hit myself for that one since you can’t.
After the last cloud met its untimely demise, the cyan mare flew back down to us and boasted, "What’d I say? Ten seconds flat! I'd never leave Ponyville hanging!"
In the words of a great man … god damn it, Bill fucking Murray!
Actually, perhaps I should clarify. Though not quite on the level of Bill Murray, Tallahassee would have been just as impressed in this situation, nonetheless - all challenges to his manliness aside due to Skittle's … err ... rainbow self.
Annoyingly enough, though … I now miss Twinkies as well.
I looked to Sparky, who still seemed to be amazed, with her jaw hanging open at the pegasus' display of speed. I slowly began to clap and let out a low whistle before turning back to look at Dash. "Wow, I honestly don’t know what is more impressive ... the fact that you actually cleared the sky in ten seconds, or the fact that you shut Sparky up for ten seconds. Both of them are equally impressive and worthy of praise in my opinion."
Rainbow looked at me strangely for a moment, before she shrugged and smiled. "Uh, sure. Thanks! You know, you’re alright! I can’t wait to hang out with the both of you more."
“Wish I could say the same for you!” I exclaimed with a smile; hell, I even partially believed those words!
Skittles laughed at that for some reason, probably thinking I was joking, before she simply flew off.
“Wow! She’s amazing!” gushed Spike.
“Sadly, I’ll have to agree on that point,” I said with a hint of annoyance. Looking over at Sparky, I noticed she still had not moved from her spot … and that her mouth was still slightly agape. “Hey Spike, find out where we have to go next, then pick up Sparky’s jaw from the ground, will you?”
~'.'~'.'~
It turned out that the town hall was our next stop. Luckily for us, that was within unicorn throwing distance. As in, the distance I could hypothetically throw Sparky if she didn’t stop nagging me today. Luckily for her, though, that urge was kept in check by three simple facts: I can’t harm a female, that would be violently mean, and she can throw me much farther with her magic than I could ever hope to throw her physically.
That last fact was actually of some concern at times.
As we came up to the building’s entrance, Sparky turned to me, and in a surprisingly calm voice said, “Shaun, please wait out here while Spike and I handle this one.”
“Still no trust for me?”
“Not even the slightest,” she flatly replied as she disappeared into the doorway, followed quickly by her number one assistant.
Sighing, I leaned up against a wall and proceeded to wait. And wait I did!
I waited a few minutes … then a few more minutes … then a few more damn minutes. I had to admit, this was now officially our longest stop yet … and I had no part in the delay! The one time I don’t go in with her, and she can’t even keep to her own rushed schedule.
Mentally making a note to tell her of that fact, and groaned and decided to just sit down against the side of the building. I wasn’t seated for long, however, before something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye.
“Is … anyone there?” I asked out loud; I wasn’t too sure I had seen anything at all, really. However, just a few seconds later I watched as a mint green pony with a saddle bag slowly approached me. She was the mint green one with the lyre cutie mark I had seen watching me earlier.
I really wish she would keep to the Shaun rule of pony and human interactions: ponies are meant to be seen, not heard …
The pony stopped a few feet away from me and just stared. I waited for her to initiate first contact ...
She continued to stare.
I looked at her with a single raised eyebrow.
The pony called my eyebrow, and raised me one of her own.
...
I touched my nose with my index finger.
Small, green, and stranger touched her snout with a hoof.
...
...
I scratched my head, somewhat confused, “Can I … help you?”
“Mhmm,” she murmured with a smile and a nod, “what are you exactly?”
I closed my eyes and mentally counted to five; this crap had gotten old by now; can’t they at least ask my name first? “I’m a human,” I said, somehow sounding less annoyed than I actually was.
“Huuu-man?” She took her time to pronounce the foreign word before she looked me up and down quizzically. “Uh, are you male or female?”
My brain halted for a moment before the little hamster wheel started turning again. “... Is it that hard for you ponies to see that I’m male?”
The mare shrugged. “Well, I don’t know about other ponies, but I’ve never seen or heard of a hu-man before … so yeah, it kind of is.”
I frowned at her, completely unamused. “The deep voice doesn’t give it away?”
“Well, female minotaurs have voices deeper than any pony does,” she replied innocently; completely oblivious to my completely obvious indignation.
“… I’m happy to say that I am not a female minotaur ... and that I also feel sorry for male minotaurs ...” I trailed off as I noticed she wasn’t paying attention to my words anymore; instead she kept moving her head around, taking in my features from different angles. “You find something interesting, miss … ?”
“Lyra,” she replied with a smile. “Lyra Heartstrings. How about you, Mr. Human?”
“My name’s Shaun.”
“That’s your name?” she asked skeptically.
“Well, what did you expect?”
“I dunno,” she replied with a shrug. “Something a bit more normal, I suppose?” ’Damn ponies and their strange names … makes them think I’m the abnormal one here!’
“Ah … alright, you got me,” I muttered exasperatedly. “My full name is Shaun Andrew Jenkins Farnsworth Bartholomew Tucker Davis the seventh.”
Lyra looked at me disbelievingly. “That’s your name?” ’As far as you’re concerned.’
I crossed my arms at her. “I’ll have you know, that the longer the name, the more important you are in my world!”
“Well, how important are you then?”
“Let’s just say …” I paused for dramatic effect before haughtily finishing, “well, I’m very important!”
“As important as a princess?” she asked sweetly, and with far too much innocence to make me believe she did that on purpose.
I narrowed my eyes at her. “... No, not as important as a princess … you know what? Let’s just move on. I think I recall asking you earlier if you found something interesting about me. Well, do you?”
“Oh, yeah! It’s just,” she looked at me hesitantly, “you! I mean, I don’t think any pony has seen something like you around here. And you look so … weird? Especially those things at the ends of you forelegs! They look like claws … only not so claw … ish.”
’Weird, huh? Well, time for some payback, little miss Mintyfresh.’
“Well, my dear little pony, these things are hands. At the end of them are fingers,” I held my hands up and wriggled my fingers so she could see them, “and I find them very useful. I can do a lot of neat things with them, in fact.” I looked around, before I leaned down and whispered to her, “For two bits, I’ll show you a trick with these hands. It’s freaking awesome!”
The little pony's eyes lit up as she quickly responded with an, “Okay!” She levitated two coins out of her saddlebag and placed them in my outstretched hand.
“Ah, thank you very much, Ms. Heartstrings.”
Lyra gazed at me enthusiastically while slightly hopping up and down. “So what’s the trick?”
“I now have two more bits in my hand, and you have two less in your bags. Neat trick, huh?” I responded wryly, a smirk adorning my face.
The mint green unicorn stopped hopping up and down and looked at me with a mix of sadness and betrayal. “That’s not a very good trick!” she whined at me.
I chuckled. “A trick is a trick! Although … I suppose you are right. Here,” I held out the hand with the coins, “you can have them back. I’m not a con artist.”
She peered at the coins, then back at me, and frowned. “No,” she exclaimed indignantly. “I paid for you to show me a trick with your hands! So … perhaps you can just do something interesting with them?” ’Well … yeah, but not to a pony … or in public, for that matter.’
“Err …” I scratched the back of my head, trying to think of something that would satisfy her curiosity. I really hadn’t planned this out beforehand. “Well, I dunno what to do?”
Lyra rubbed a hoof to her chin before an idea apparently popped into her head, “Can I see them?”
“Umm … you aren’t looking at them right now?” I questioned as I held up my hands.
“No! I mean can I touch your hands?” she asked curiously.
I blinked. Mother never taught me how to handle a random talking unicorn asking to hold my hands ...
“Uhh, well … sure … I guess?” I really didn’t know how to respond here, instead just opting to hold out my hands for the mare.
Lyra took my left hand and lifted it up to her eye level with a hoof. She quickly placed my index finger between her two hooves, a curious twinkle in her eyes. “They look so flexible!” She bent it forward … then quickly bent it back at an almost impossible angle.
I wasn’t sure if I heard and felt the finger pop … or crack.
“Nnnghh,” I managed to not scream out while quickly pulling my hand away in the process. “Not that flexible … not nearly that flexible!”
“Oh, sorry!” she cried out in worry. “You aren’t hurt, are you?”
Flexing my finger, I was relieved that though sore, no mind numbing pain was emanating from the digit; in case you were wondering, that’s a good thing. “Nah, just bent it back too far … but not far enough to break it luckily.”
I looked at her cautiously for a moment, before suggesting, “How about you just keep to asking questions?”
She looked disappointed, but luckily acquiesced to my suggestion. That made me breathe a sigh of relief; I don’t really want to risk a broken finger … or wrist … hell, with my luck she might find a way to break the arm.
We sat there and spoke for a while; a nice casual conversation. I’ll admit, even though she was curious, it seemed like a more innocent type of curiosity that I could deal with. Not the “I will study you while you sleep and write a book on it” type that I had become accustomed to with Sparky.
Lyra asked me a few more questions about humans, of course. I had come to expect that from every being with the ability to speak in this world, so that wasn’t really a surprise. This in turn made me think of simply having number of pamphlets made that I could hand out to any curious pony next time. I even had a great name for what to to title it.
The Shaun and You: How to Handle your First Contact with an Omnivorous Human!
But the topics quickly changed to more personal ones. How old was I, did I have a family, what’s my favorite color, where did I hide my cutie mark.
That last one I tried to explain as best I could, but short of stripping I don’t think she believed that I didn’t have a cutie mark … Oh well, I’ll let her continue to be a non-believer in that case.
Lyra was about to ask me another question when a blur of purple shot between the two of us. Turning to see what it was, I saw my companions making a hasty escape from the Town Hall for reasons I probably did not want to comprehend.
Sparky was beckoning me with a hoof. “Come on, Shaun, we’ve got to get out of here, now !”
I looked at her for a second, somewhat lost at the slight fear in her voice, before simply shrugging. “Well Lyra, that’s my cue to get out of here. I’ll admit, you weren’t the worst-” I was cut off as a heard a long gasp coming from behind me.
I turned around to see a white unicorn, with three gemstones for a cutie mark, as well as a styled purple mane and tail. She was staring at me in almost abject horror. Okay, what about me is so scary to these pony folk?
"H-how could you even be seen in such ... filthy ... things?!" the mare cried out in disgust while sticking her tongue out in a mock gag.
Apparently, it’s my clothing this time ...
"Well, my kind always wears clothes except in a few situations so ... I kind of need to? I just haven’t had a chance to change into a clean outfit since I was knocked into the mud by Skittles the clutzy rainbow."
That didn't sit well with the white mare. “I will not, no, I cannot simply let this stand!”
“I don’t think I should go … my mom always told me not to follow strange mares. I don’t even know your name.”
“Rarity, my dear. Charmed,” she hurriedly said as a pale blue light engulfed both her horn and myself, lifting me into the air in the process.
My eyes widened a bit, and I struggled to gain some sort of leverage in mid-air. Just in case you are wondering if that will ever work out … no, no it won’t, apparently. I glanced at Lyra. “Um, some help here?”
She looked at Rarity, then back to me, then with a smile and a wave said, “Bye, Mr. Human the seventh!”
...
Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh, should have seen that one coming.
“Sparky?” I asked as I looked around for any sign of the purple unicorn and lizard thing. They were nowhere to be seen.
Annnd of course they had apparently already gone into hiding; should have seen that coming as well. Nope, Shaun is on his own, it seems. Damn it.
I noticed that I was now moving away from the Town Hall. Yup, it was official … I was now Equestria’s first case of a human kidnapping. Perhaps it’s time to at least get to know my criminal abductor.
I called out to white unicorn. "I really appreciate this magical lift and all ..." I really didn’t, "but, um ... where are you taking me?"
Rarity looked over her shoulder at me with a prideful smile, "Why, to my studio of course: The Carousel Boutique! I don’t have the materials with me required for such a,” she looked over her shoulders at me, “dire situation.”
Well, that sounded like a place that any man not secure in their masculinity would avoid like the Black Death ...
“I’m sorry, but don’t you have some decorating or something to do?” I sarcastically asked.
Either she didn’t care about the sarcasm, or it was lost on her because she continued to pull me along in the air behind her. “That can wait! This is a fashion emergency! The … worst … possible … thing !”
“You know, this might just be me over thinking things at the moment,” I paused to make sure I had her attention, “but why can’t I just change into my other set of clothes if it bothers you so much?”
… Wait a minute … crap! I just fell into the trap of using logic in an illogical situation! Damn it to hell!
“Oh, I’m sure that you could always use more clothes if you-,” she looked over her shoulders at me. “Oh, please pardon me for not asking sooner, but what is your name and what is your species called?”
“My name is Shaun Davis. I am a human,” I replied dryly.
I was really getting tired of answering those questions; and I bet you are getting tired of reading about it as well.
… Too bad, Stalker McGee, you get to hear about it until I don’t, so just deal with it ...
“Yes, well, as I was saying. If you hu-mans,” her face scrunched up at the strange sounding word, “wear clothes all the time, then it would naturally not hurt to receive a new set. Wouldn’t you agree?”
… Yeah, reasoning with her is out the door ...
“Besides, where did you get these ghastly …” she glanced at my shirt and pants, “apparel from, anyway?”
“I have no clue, actually. They were just made and given to me. Didn’t actually meet the tailor himself.”
She inspected me with a raised eyebrow. “Yes, well, that much is apparent.”
… Bitch ...
I looked around for assistance, and noticed Sparky and Spike had come out of hiding and were now following the two of us at a distance. I was somewhat annoyed that she had yet to step in to stop this alien abduction; the one in which I was playing the role of the alien being abducted. “Twilight! You have the power to end this!”
The mare said nothing, and instead looked at me in a way I had never seen from her: with pity. Why … it almost appeared that she was sorry about my predicament. ’... Now that’s very worrying ...’
I knew that I was quickly running out of time to talk my way out of this situation; we were nearing what I assumed was her shop … since, you know, it looked like a freaking carousel.
There was only one option left for me to try. I swallowed my pride … and started begging random ponies for help.
… Which did jack shit for me. Apparently in Ponyville, the ponies simply walk away from strange creatures being levitated through the air against their will and begging for assistance ...
...
Maybe they think I’m a noisy pet?
…
Actually, even though I would be offended at that … I would not be the least bit surprised ...
For her part, Rarity seemed to be largely ignoring my protests and cries for help. I assumed she was lost in thought at this point in time. Really lost in thought, actually … I can be quite loud when being taken against my will.
She opened the door to her shop and dragged me inside without a word. Of important note here, at this moment I feel like a fly caught in a spider’s web … that’s on fire … with a comet about to crash on top of it …
She brought me to a room at the back of the boutique with numerous articles of sewing equipment and fabric, and quickly plopped me down on the floor after closing the door behind us. "Now Darling, we need to get those wretched clothes off so that I can get your measurements."
I looked at her in confusion. I couldn’t have possibly heard what I thought she said, could I? I hesitantly asked, "Err … did you say 'clothes off' and ‘measurements’?"
"Why, of course! How else do you expect me to get accurate measurements for a new ensemble?" As she said that her horn glowed and I began to feel a tug on end of my shirt ... followed by tugging on my other garments of clothing. ’Oh shit, oh shit, run Shaun! Think of something! Get out of here!’
"Uhhhhh, that's reeeeeaaaaalllllyy not necessary!" I tried to back away, but I eventually found myself out of room and boxed into a corner. Damn whoever invented wall corners! They need to die a horrible fiery death!
“Nonsense, my dear! The situation requires it,” she smiled at me, “and it’s no problem for me to help somepony in need!”
The glow around my clothes intensified. My shirt slipped off, and I felt my pants weren’t far behind. I thought hard. I thought fast. I ran every possible plan of action through my mind. That’s when I realized there was only one thing I could do in this situation ...
“The boxers stay on! ” I screamed.
~'.'~'.'~
The door to the Carousel Boutique opened far slower than I liked; though thankfully that meant my time with Rarity was finally at an end. I took a few slow and deliberate steps, almost unsure of whether this freedom was real. At this point in time, it was far more likely that I had simply cut myself off from the outside world, and was perceiving my release as some form of coping mechanism.
There were just some events in life that you would always remember. Some for good reasons and some for bad reasons. This one … will be remembered for bad reasons if you haven’t already figured it out.
And if by some chance you believed anything in there sounded like something you wanted to happen to you though … please, seek immediate help.
"Alright then,” Rarity called out happily and waved her hoof at me as I continued to walk away, “come back tomorrow evening and I should have a fitting ensemble ready. Now, if you'll excuse me,” she closed the door to her shop, “I must be off once again. I have decorating to finish at the town hall." ’Oh no … not happening, little pony. Not when you just scarred me in ways my ex never could …’
Oh, fun fact everyone: every girl is crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man. And damn, at least I could say that Rarity knew fashion. Hell, she had just created a new pair of khaki looking pants and a stylish blue button up shirt from scratch. Problem was ... I didn’t care about that at the moment!
What I was most concerned about was finding a judge, jury, and a good attorney with a doll ...
I merely stared into the distance, and absentmindedly nodded at the mare as I made my way out the door, any dignity that I may have once had dead and gone. I'll admit though, at this point in time there wasn't much left; but you do come to appreciate things you take for granted as they are cruelly taken from you by malicious ponies, one piece at a time.
Sparky and Spike glanced over to me from their waiting place outside the door. The unicorn was the first to attempt to speak, "Shaun, what took so-"
I cut her off; no way am I in any mood to talk about anything at the moment. "Not a word from either of you. Not a single word. None of this ever happened. None of this will be repeated to others. What happened in the Carousel Boutique, stays in the Carousel Boutique."
"But-"
"Sparky, I just had a magically powered tape measure slithering up and down my body in ways I found extremely disturbing. I am not comfortable at all with what just happened. In fact, I am not okay at the moment in the slightest. I desperately need a drink, but since that option is off the table, silence is golden for the time being."
I heard a snort come from the overgrown lizard who called himself a dragon. "I don't see what your big deal is, Shaun," Spike chastised me as he dreamily looked back at the retreating form of the unicorn mare. "I wish she had been paying as much attention to me as she was to you. I'm totally jealous!"
Looking down at the little dragon, I was sorely tempted to flick him on the head. However, I decided against that; doing so might hurt me more than him with my luck. Instead, I just reached into one of our bags and pulled out a gem. "Hey, Spike! You like gems, don't you?"
He looked at the gem with wide eyes, a hungry look on his face. "Oh colt, do I!"
"Ah, good, just making sure." I turned around quickly and threw the gem as hard as I could into the air. "Then perhaps seeing your future snack go bye-bye has taught you a valuable lesson today." I turned back around and looked down at Spike with an impassive expression, "Don't mess with me when I've just been violated."
I barely managed to hear a faint "oww" coming from down the street behind us. Seems that gem just made somepony's day.
Spike was surprised at first, but then narrowed his eyes at me. "You can be a jerk sometimes, you know that, right?"
Poor Spike. If only he knew how little I cared at the moment. After all, how did that old saying go again? I think it was, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but it feels like Rarity raped me.' Or something like that, yeah?
… no?
Well, that's how I remember it at the moment ...
Turns out my little pony tormentor was not amused at my antics either. "That was mean, Shaun. Spike didn't do anything to you!"
I looked at Sparky who had stopped walking to chastise me. "Uh, I'm pretty sure the whole 'not shutting up' thing counts as something, actually."
"Even so, that was uncalled for. Apologize to Spike."
"No."
"Shaaaauuuunnn," she growled out.
"Not happening."
She looked at me and dead-panned, "Need I remind you that I control your finances?" ’... Damn it … she's got me by the money bags …’
I sighed in defeat and looked at the tiny lizard thing that tries to pass itself off as a dragon, "Fine. I'm sorry that I taunted you even though you mocked my molestation ..."
Spike looked at me for a minute. "Well," said the baby dragon, clearly debating on whether the apology was sincere or not. It wasn't, but they didn't need to know that. Staring at me a few more seconds, he then nodded in approval. "Apology accepted." He paused to think for a moment, a thoughtful look on his face, before asking, "What's 'molestation', by the way?"
I groaned and Sparky looked extremely flustered and agitated at the same time. "You don't need to know, Spike!" said the unicorn, barely managing to not stammer out her reply.
"But-"
"No buts!" she exclaimed, cutting him off completely. Spike did not look happy, but he didn't speak up again, at least.
Having stopped Spike from any further inquiries, and making sure any pride I once had was clearly left behind us in a crumpled heap, we continued on our way in silence. I began to think back to what I once thought was the single greatest piece of advice my father had ever given me.
I had just broken up with my first girlfriend ever; well, she had broken up with me because I couldn't be reasoned with. In all fairness though, her definition of reasoning and my definition of reasoning seemed to be based on two entirely different concepts: emotion and logic, respectively. That, in turn, led to a number of … issues ...
Anyway, long story short, my father took me aside that evening and gave me a pep talk. It involved the normal bullshit your parents tell you like, "Oh, there are more fish in the sea," and "You'll get over her, you'll see." Try as I might, I just couldn't at the moment, and I tried to explain how everything had happened.
He had listened carefully to my story. Then, he slowly looked around the yard, clearly looking for my mother to make sure she wouldn't just walk up at that moment. He turned to me and said in the wisest voice I ever heard from him, "Son … when it comes to any woman in your life, friend or more than friend, you can either be right, or you can be happy … but not both. Remember that."
At the time, it made sense and his advice had helped me over the years. But here, at this very moment, there was only one thing I could think ...
… Screw you dad; you didn't tell me that there was the hidden third option of neither .
Well, perhaps that was his way of leaving me some hope in life? A little white lie I wouldn't discover until after finding out what mom did with his body?
I jest, of course! She just took a few swings at him after she found out about the affair … and only managed to knock out one tooth. Nothing serious at least, right? On the bright side, her actions also taught me another valuable lesson: cheating on your spouse only leads to a life of suffering, as well as assault and battery.
He was such a great male role model in my life ...
I was so caught up in my musings that I didn’t hear Sparky calling my name at first. Well … that and I was also trying to ignore her. She didn't take too kindly to this treatment, though, and grumbled for me to keep up the pace.
And that’s when I decided a leisurely and extremely sedate stroll would be the best help for my nerves.
~’.’~’.’~
Turns out that earplugs make for a wonderful way of drowning out sounds, even without music. I mean, I knew that before, but I kind of forgot I kept them in loving memory of my iPod. May it rest in pieces.
So, after enjoying a nice relaxing stroll, and tuning out much of Sparky’s complaining, I can say that I feel much better at the moment. Not one hundred percent of course, but in as good of a place as I can be without a beer or human-to-human interaction.
Taking the plugs out of my ears, I decided to see where we were going. “Hey Spike! What’s next on the list?”
“Let’s see here …” he pulled out the piece of parchment to look at it. “Next is … music … and it seems to be the last one!”
Sparky’s demeanor immediately changed at that revelation; she actually looked a bit happy again for the first time today. “Finally , some good news for once!”
I found myself agreeing with her sentiment. “Yeah, I think I’m about ready for the day to be over, as well.”
“You do understand,” she grumbled, “that this day has been … stressful … mainly because you’ve been insistent on being less than helpful, right?”
“I’m basically here against my will and not in a good mood, same as you. You haven’t helped my mood, and I haven’t helped yours in turn,” I said nonchalantly. “Now, I’m willing to set the events of the day aside and accept a minor amount of blame if you are in turn willing to accept both the majority of the blame today, as well as responsibility for what happened to Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Deal?”
She didn’t even grace me with a response.
We continued in silence for a few moments later before I began to hear birds singing; not chirping like the bastards do while you’re trying to sleep in on a Saturday morning. No, these birds were singing in unison like a freaking chorus …
I’m honestly starting to wonder what being on drugs would be like in this world.
Sparky picked up on it too, if the way her ears perked up gave any indication. None of us had to wonder long where the singing birds were coming from. Just a bit further down the road I could make out a pegasus pony hovering near some birds in a tree.
If I didn’t know any better … and that’s entirely possible with the screwed up way this world works … I’d say she was conducting them in song …
“Well, seems that’s our music right there,” I mused out loud with a shrug. “Ah well, let’s go-”
Sparky held my pant leg, forcing me to stop. “Hold it. Shaun, please let me take care of this one again. Don’t approach her. Don’t talk to her. Don’t even look at her if you can help it. Okay?”
I shrugged. “Okay.”
Both of my companions blinked in confusion. “Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“I … didn’t think you’d agree so easily,” she said, her voice mildly surprised.
Spike scratched the back of his head and looked at me strangely, “I’m as surprised as you are on this one, Twilight.”
“It’s rather simple guys, I don’t want a repeat of my earlier abduction and the … events that followed. The fewer ponies I meet, the better the chances it won’t happen. See, logic!” I exclaimed with a hint of pride.
“Oh,” Spike said innocently, “you mean the mol-”
My mood immediately soured and I pointed at the dragon, cuting him off. “Don’t make me regret teaching you that word!”
“You should regret teaching him something like that anyway!” Sparky reprimanded me, giving me a glare that simply dared me to say something back. When I said nothing, she turned her attention back to her baby brother, “And that’s not a word I want you to repeat, Spike. Ever. Do you understand?”
Spike looked downcast. “I guess, but I still don’t know what it means …”
“And I want it to stay that way!” she remarked forcefully before turning to go. “Shaun, just wait here.”
“So you’re leaving me alone again?” I questioned skeptically. “Yeah, the thing is ... that didn’t work out so well for me last time. How about you leave Spike with me this time?”
She raised an eyebrow at that suggestion. “Why would I leave you alone with Spike after everything that’s happened today?”
“Because I might just innocently wander off and cause you to waste even more time?”
Sparky glared at me, but after a few moments, tersely agreed. “Fine, but if you teach him anything else of questionable moral value … I will be very upset with you, Shaun. So, I suggest you not say much of anything at all while I’m gone.” She turned to her assistant, “Spike, be sure to keep Shaun out of trouble.”
I should probably point out that it felt somewhat demeaning being watched over by a baby dragon. That seemed too much like a baby baby-sitting …
Wait, what the hell! That’s exactly what Sparky is doing! Screw you bit-
…
Sorry, I’m reigning in my emotions now.
Anyway, instead of standing in silence like Sparky suggested, I thought it would be best to teach Spike something new. Not something that would get me yelled at, of course. Just a simple game of Rock-paper-scissors. I figured that it was harmless and in no way could anything go wrong with that.
So I quickly explained the rules to Spike, who for his part seemed eager to do something other than stand around in silence. Unfortunately though, he was starting to ruin the fun with questions about the logic involved in the game ...
“Paper beats rock … huh?” he wondered aloud. “That’s doesn’t make much sense …”
“Yeah, well, neither does your adopted sister, at times.” I replied smartly.
“... Touche.”
“Wait,” I looked at him in disbelief. “You not only know what ‘adopted’ is, but you also know what ‘touche’ means?”
“Uh, yeah?” he said while looking at me like I was stupid. ’Look in a mirror first, pal …’
I cocked my head to the side. “I’m … somewhat mystified right now, to be honest. Maybe I haven’t been giving you enough credit when it comes to being versed in more advanced vocabulary.”
“Oooookay? This coming from the monkey thing that can’t read?” Clearly, he took offense somewhat.
“I can read!” I cried out indignantly. “Just, not the alphabet you use, apparently …”
Yeah, that ended rather weakly.
“It’s alright!” he exclaimed with a smile. “I’ll help teach you alongside Twilight if you want!”
“...” I wasn’t sure if he was trolling me at this point or not; the way he said it just seemed too honest and helpful. Still stung somewhat either way. But, at least I didn’t have much pride left to spare today, so it didn’t bother me immensely …
…
Oh who the hell am I kidding; that pint sized sorry excuse for a gecko is going down.
I was about to reply with some witty comment to salvage my bruised and battered ego when I heard a female voice excitedly exclaim, “A baby dragon!” Turning to the voice, I noticed a yellow pegasus with a pink mane flying rapidly towards us, followed by a less than enthusiastic Sparky on the ground.
The pony stopped to admire Spike like some sort of dragon fan-girl. “I’ve never seen a baby dragon before! He’s so cute!”
Spike was reveling in the new found attention. “Well, well, well!”
“Oh my! He talks? I didn’t know dragons could talk!” she exclaimed happily. “That’s just so incredibly wonderful, I just-”
The pony stopped gushing over Spike as she finally noticed my presence as well. Honestly, I don’t see how she could have not seen me from the very beginning. “Wow! What is he? I’ve never seen something like him before!” ’Did she just say he?! She did, right?! Oh happy day, a pony got my gender right without asking!’
I grinned widely at her. “You know, I had come to believe none of you ponies were mentally capable of picking up on the fact that I am a guy without asking first.”
The hovering pony flinched away. “He talks as well?” she asked with somewhat wide eyes as she landed back on the ground.
“Yes, he does talk,” Sparky replied dryly, followed by an almost inaudible muttering of, “Too much at times, if you ask me …”
The pegasus seemed less enthusiastic once she learned I was capable of talking as well. Unlike Spike, I don’t think I had the cuteness factor to work in my favor. That’s okay though, my dashing good looks and unique charm was all I needed to get through life!
I smiled down at her, “Hello, I’m Shaun the grateful ... at least for the moment. What’s your name?”
“I’m Fluttershy …” she trailed off.
“Well … Fluttershy … you are officially the best pony of the day for correctly assuming I was male! Congratulations!”
She looked away, “Thanks …”
“Am I intimidating now that I can talk or something?” I question warily.
The pegasus looked down and started pawing at the ground with a hoof. “Oh … um, well … a little ...”
“Ah, don’t worry about him,” Spike said, nodding in my direction, “he’s pretty cool. Also, he’s completely weak and harmless, too.”
Fluttershy looked somewhat reassured by that statement; after all, being told you are weak and harmless by something that looks like a first stage evolution of a Pokemon doesn’t exactly make you intimidating to others.
But you know what ... that doesn’t hurt me at all. I’m a proud human being. And I know that there are parts of my world that would more than likely enjoy eating baby dragon. As such, one cannot be insulted by possible dinner. The food chain doesn’t work like that.
Still, I need to reply in some form or fashion to satisfy my male mind. “Spike, I’m seriously having a hard time believing you aren’t a troll, you know.”
“Um, but he’s not a troll … he’s a dragon,” Fluttershy chimed in, nervously.
“Shaun, trolls don’t exist,” stated Sparky flatly as she picked up Spike with her magic and levitated him onto her back as she began to walk away. “They are just some old mares tale ponies tell to little foals.”
I shook my head and proceeded to follow my keeper. “It’s a reference in my world and … you know what, never mind. It’s not worth the effort and oxygen use in explaining.”
“Do you two mind if I ask you a few questions?” Fluttershy asked hopefully.
I glanced back to see Fluttershy following us. I looked at Spike, but he just shrugged his shoulders. I turned back to Fluttershy, “Sure, why not? What do you want to know?”
“Everything!”
...
… Damn it ...
A few minutes later and I realized how lucky I was that Spike was there to split her attention between the two of us. The list of questions that Fluttershy had for me was endless … and entirely predictable, as usual; but at least not all questions were directed at me. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again … I am tired of being the new specimen on the block. Even with her demure nature, about halfway through the conversation I really just wanted to tell her to go find a grasshopper or a honey badger to bother.
Hell, chances are the honey badger would be in a better mood than I was. And that’s saying something, ‘cause honey badger just don’t give a shit!
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to do that to the mare. She looked fairly fragile, and as much as I didn’t want to put up with the questioning … I really didn’t want to risk making her cry. Or perhaps get stomped into the ground. After all, It’s the shy quiet ones you got to watch out for …
What? Don’t believe me?
Back in elementary school I used to pick on a girl much like this mare here; made her cry a few times even. She went to a different middle school than me after that, but then we met up in high school again. I tried to pick on her once, and only once when I saw her.
And that was all it took for me to learn not to do that again.
Her parents had apparently enrolled her in martial arts while she was in middle school; meaning that when I picked on her in high school for old times sake … things didn’t end well for me. She waited until I was alone after school one day, and proceeded to engage me in a debate of the fists. It was rather one sided though, I refused to debate back.
But I’m not ashamed to admit I got my ass kicked by a girl while no one was looking!
… Though all I told the school nurse is the black eye and broken nose came from falling down a flight of stairs.
What a wonderful life I’ve-
I was suddenly brought out of my musings as I felt a hoof poking me in the leg. I looked down to see the pegasus looking up at me. She took a step back and looked away as my attention fell on her. “Uh, what?”
“Um, I was asking you a question … if that’s alright with you of course.”
“Oh, yeah sure,” I responded trying to play things smoothly.
Fluttershy beamed at me. “Alright … so do you?”
I blinked, caught in a proverbial head. “Uh, well … I think that …” I paused to actually think. I don’t know the question, so I’m going to do with something safe. “I believe that cake is better than pie?”
...
Hey, it might not be the answer to the question, but I’ll be damned it if isn’t the truth.
For her part the pegasus just looked at me strangely for a moment. “Um, that’s good … I think. But I asked you if you had any family back home.”
“Oh … yeah … uh, sorry about that! What I meant to say is that my family and I enjoy cake over pie. It’s a family tradition thing.”
No way she’s going to believe that bull-
“Ah, that makes sense!” she happily replied.
… This one is just too innocent and gullible for her own good.
She was about to ask another question when I noticed that Sparky had just stopped in front of a large tree … with a door … and windows …
Oh, you have got to be freaking kidding me … it’s a tree house …
Seriously, is there meth or something in this world? These ponies can’t just think this shit up on their own … can they?
“I am so sorry!” Sparky said as she turned around, a fake grin plastered on her face. “How did we get here this fast? This is where we are staying while in Ponyville, and my poor baby dragon needs his sleep!”
Spike looked at her strangely. “But I’m not-”
Her leg kicked out, knocking Spike off her back … and hitting me hard in the shin as well. Really damn hard.
“Gah! ” I yelled out as I fell to one knee and gripped my leg in agony.
The unicorn looked down at her baby brother with false pity. “Awww, wook at that. He’s so sweepy he can’t even keep his wittle balance.” Sparky then looked over at me, “And it seems Shaun’s legs are getting tired too. I think he mentioned something about humans not having great endurance. It’s in his best interest to just sit down for now.”
I looked at the unicorn in frustration. “Sparky, that’s-”
“Oh, you poor things!” Fluttershy cried out, swooping down to pick up Spike. “We simply must get you two some rest!” She opened the door to the tree house and flew inside. ’Damn it … she’s too freaking gullible.’
I didn’t have long to think about things as I suddenly found myself engulfed in Sparky’s purple aura of magic and being dragged into the tree. She set me down on the floor somewhat roughly, and quickly took Spike from Fluttershy before innocently shoving the kind pony back out the door.
“Yes, yes, we’ll get right on that!” she happily agreed. “Well then, good night!” And with that she slammed the door shut in Fluttershy’s face.
…
Seriously? That’s cold. Hell, that’s even colder than Shaun cold …
“Rude much?” Spike asked, clearly sounding annoyed at his treatment and her behavior.
“Yeah, that was a bit excessive, Sparky,” I said as I picked myself up off the floor and dusted myself off. “I mean, I know I’m mean at times … but I at least try to be more subtle about it. Didn’t Celestia teach you tact?”
I heard the mare sigh. “You know, it’s really bad when you say something that actually makes sense and makes me feel guilty at the same time …”
I shrugged my shoulders and shot her a half-smile in the darkness. “I have my moments.”
“Sorry, you two,” she muttered, “ but I really need time to study alone while I try to convince the Princess about the return of Nightmare Moon! I can’t do that with a bunch of crazy ponies around! I can barely even handle it with Shaun around …”
That got to me a bit. “Hey, I’m right here you know!”
“Can you hit the lights please, Spike?” she asked her assistant, completely ignoring my indignation.
No sooner had she said that than the lights to the library came on, and immediately we were greeted with a chorus of, “Surprise! ” And hell yeah that was a surprise, because I immediately stumbled backwards and tripped over something. As I fell, the last thing I saw was an insanely huge grin.
I had just enough time to fear for my soul before the darkness consumed me.
…
S.A.D.
~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~'.'~
Author’s Note:
So apparently it’s becoming a habit that I’ll plan for a chapter to be a certain length … then end up writing twice as much. How this went from a planned 7,000 words to its current length of roughly 15,000 is beyond me …
I even moved 1.5k words from this chapter to the next ...
Also, I have to say that this chapter is perhaps one of my least favorite I’ve written to date. To a certain extent I wanted it grounded in the show still, since this fanfic follows the show’s timeline. However, it got … boring to write for in certain sections. Next chapter though, screw that! It’s time for Shaun to shine! (Chapter four tentative title: “Shaun versus Wild: A Case Study in Natural Selection”)
Anyway, as usual, thanks to my pre-readers for their hard work; and as always feel free to leave a comment or PM if you have an issue with anything I’ve written!
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Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis
Chapter Four: ... the Man Insults the Night...
Chapter Four: ... the Man Insults the Night...
Disclaimer: Hasbro owns My Little Pony. That is all. Oh, and I guess the characters within that aren’t owned by Hasbro were thought up by me. I’ll never admit it to a jury though, so take that for what you want...
Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis
Chapter Four: … the Man Insults the Night...
Authors: RandomEncounter and 00lizard
Editors: 00lizard, Meliron, DustTraveller, Invictus, Anrodos, Proud-Dust, and SlinkySalamander
~'.'~'.'~
There are good ways and bad ways of going through life. Waking up hungover, for instance, would be on the bad side of things. Stumbling upon a roll of one hundred dollar bills on the street? That’s on the good side of the scale. Finding yourself surrounded by a number of gang members who accidentally dropped said roll of money on the ground and aren’t too pleased with you?
Now that is what I like to call the Shaun life.
… Well, that never really happened to me, to be honest. But you probably would believe it if I say it did, right?
...
See, that’s the sad part right there...
That’s why it came as no surprise to me as I began to wake up to have a splitting headache emanating from the back of my head. That’s just par for the course. What did surprise me is that I was lying on a nice comfy bed with a cold cloth covering my forehead and eyes, and a gentle humming coming from my left.
That’s... a bit strange; pleasant, but strange.
Why is that, you ask? Well, generally speaking, when you have friends like mine, waking up with this level of headache involves throwing off a mountain of beer bottles and cans, and scrubbing your face furiously for half an hour trying to get the penises drawn in permanent marker off before you have to be at work. This, however, was almost welcome. Though life can take back the headache, I’ve got enough of those at the moment...
Most of which come in the shape of ponies, but headaches nonetheless.
I tried to sit up; a simple enough task that I felt even I could do at this moment. My brain, however, clearly thought I was a certified idiot and decided a short, but powerful, spasm of pain was the best way of letting me know that was a stupid, stupid, really stupid idea.
“Oh my,” squeaked a quiet voice to my right as I felt a hoof softly push my shoulder down. “Umm, please don’t get up so fast. You might have a concussion.”
“Yeeaahhh... I know that now,” I said through gritted teeth as the pounding in my skull receded. Lying back down, I turned to see that inquisitive little animal-loving pony from earlier. ‘What’s her name again? Fluttersky? No... Flutterpie? That doesn’t seem right either. Flutterdie? No, no, no... too morbid for one of these opium-inspired ponies. Fluttershy, maybe? Hmm... that... sounds right. I think...’
Got a problem with me not remembering names? If so, I have a few words for you then: cliff and jump.
“Mind telling me what happened... err, Fluttershy, right?”
The mare looked up at me skittishly from behind her mane, “Well, umm, you kind of tripped over Spike… and hit your head on the door frame when you fell.”
Well, that explains the reason my head feels like a chipmunk is bashing its way out of my cranium with a TV remote...
“Of course I did...” I groaned as I rubbed the back of my head, “ugh… this day just gets better and better.” The world began to come into focus more and more, and the Spikegraine was subsiding. Seriously though, screw that baby dragon. I know it’s trying to get rid of me now. However, you gotta wake up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me... though I do prefer to sleep in until the reasonable time of three in the afternoon, if possible.
Yeah, I’m boned.
“Oh,” Fluttershy started with a sense of enthusiasm, a wide smile spreading across her face, “he’s fine by the way.”
I turned to look at her with an expression that was part lost and part ‘what the hell are you talking about.’ “Huh?”
“Spike. He’s fine. You didn’t hurt him.” Fluttershy beamed up at me, relief washing over her features.
“Oh, of course,” I said as I brought my hand to my forehead, deciding to play off my lack of caring. “Sorry, that would have been my next question if this headache weren’t so bad.”
‘Not really.’
Fluttershy looked at me with concern as she slowly brought a hoof up to my forehead to remove my hand, placing it back on the bed. She gently laid her other hoof on my forehead, to take my temperature. At least that’s what I’m guessing. Are hooves good thermal conductors?
“How are you feeling?” she asked as she removed her hoof. “You don’t have a fever, I mean, um, as far as I can tell.”
"Well, aside from the back of my head feeling like someone played a game of Kick-the-Shaun, I feel fine.” At that my stomach decided to pipe up, letting me know that no, I am hungry; give me meat, Shaun, you dumb man-ape thing. “Seems I’m a little hungry, actually... but that’s it, really."
“Oh, there’s plenty of food at the party!” the mare cheerily chirped.
“Sounds good. I guess I’ll go get some, then.” I attempted to get out of the bed, but Fluttershy placed a hoof to my chest and gave me a concerned look.
“You hit your head really hard,” she said kindly, though her eyes hinted at a stern undertone, “I think you should lay back down for now.”
I was about to protest, but those eyes didn’t just say no, they told me of bad things that would happen if I didn’t comply. ‘Uh, where was she hiding this stern side earlier?’
There had been only one time in my life that I had felt such a comparable fear from such a forceful gaze. It was from my mother after she had to bail me out that one time. Wait, wait, wait... it wasn’t anything like that. Look, I was in the car, and I didn’t know, and I managed to convince them of my innocence eventually...
Ya know what, nevermind. Think what you want. I’m stuck in Ponyland, ergo, your opinion is irrelevant.
I decided to just go with the flow and play off my discomfort with a shrug, “Alright, if the little pony nurse says not to get up, I won’t get up.”
The mare blinked in confusion at that. “Oh no, I’m not the nurse. That would be Nurse Redheart. She’s outside enjoying the party right now. Would you like to speak with her?”
“Not really… I’ve had enough of introducing myself today, actually.” I paused for a moment at realizing I wasn’t being tended to by the medical professional. “But, that does beg the question of why she’s out there and you’re in here.”
“Ah… oh… well…” she nervously drew circles with her forehoof on the bed, “you see, I generally take care of all of the animals in town that the vet doesn’t, so we both thought it was best for me to look after you …”
I blinked at her as that statement began to sink in. “Wait, let me get this straight... you’re the town’s animal handler? As in the pers- I mean pony that looks after and treats the less mentally-capable species?” I questioned flatly.
Fluttershy picked up on my less than enthusiastic tone and retreated behind her mane. “Um, that’s right,” she nodded hesitantly.
“And... I’m your patient?” I asked, a hint of annoyance seeping into my voice by this point.
“Yes,” she replied softly, confusion adorning her face.
“Annnnnd,” I spoke slowly and methodically, “I am in no way supposed to feel insulted right now even just a teeny tiny bit?”
Fluttershy blinked incomprehensibly for a moment before her head sunk down, understanding apparently finally dawning on her. “Um… do you feel insulted?” she asked hesitantly and with a hint of sadness.
I groaned, “Don’t take this personally… but as a matter of fact, yes. Yes, I sort of do.”
“Oh… I’m sorry,” she replied gloomily while looking down, “I-I’ll go see if I can convince Nurse Redheart to come in here instead, if it would make you feel better.”
She turned to go, but stopped once I spoke again. “Really, at this point in time I doubt it will help my mood. So don’t worry about it… and it’s not really your fault, either. You were just being nice, so I can’t really be annoyed at you for that,” I said quickly, trying to smooth the situation over and avoid hurting her feelings further.
Yes, I can be nice at times, so scre--
…
Nevermind.
Anyway, I could clearly see in her eyes that she remained unconvinced.
“Look,” I said with a hint of exasperation, “It’s not that I hate you or anything. Just… being equated to an animal is somewhat condescending… actually, scratch that. Very condescending...”
‘To say the least.’
“What?” her eyes got a bit wider, and she immediately started to ramble on, “O-oh, no! That’s not why I’m treating you at all! Nurse Redheart is just more familiar with ponies than she is with other species and I was the one that suggested looking after you since I’m really good with animals in gen-”
She put a hoof to her mouth at that little slip up and looked at me wide eyed. “I mean, I’m good with non-pony species and... I studied simian anatomy a few years ago when I had to care for a poor little monkey that got hurt when a traveling circus came through town. I mean... that’s not to say that I think you’re a monkey! You’re just closer to them anatomically than a pony and... and...” she trailed off and looked down at her hooves embarrassedly and squeaked.
I looked at her with pity before sighing. “You’re not very good at this, are you?”
Fluttershy shook her head, remaining silent and hiding behind her mane, trying to avoid my gaze. I looked at her with no small amount of pity before I sighed. "Listen, don't worry about it. In fact, get me something to snack on and I'll consider everything okay. That fair?"
My stomach gave another murmur of protest and Fluttershy’s head snapped up, once again aware that my stomach was politely eating itself. She looked me briefly before closing her eyes and giving a brief nod.
"Alright, I'll go get you something." She smiled before pausing for a moment, lost in thought. "Sorry to ask… but I don’t know what you like to eat. Umm, would you like a banana, maybe? I mean, if that's alright with you..."
"Uhh… sure?" ’Not my first choice, but at least she isn't trying to feed me hay or something like that.’
Fluttershy gave me a wide smile, her voice a bit more confident. "Oh good. I thought you would like those since you said humans are descended from primates on your world. I'll be right back." With that, she turned and left the room before I could barely register what she had just said.
I stared at the door in disbelief. Did she seriously assume… cause… okay… whatever, screw it. I laid my head back down on the pillow. Not the worst thing that has happened since arriving here.
With nothing better to do, I decided to gaze at the night sky through the window; it was beautiful, to say the least. Reminded me of a happier time in my life when I was a kid, before my parents got divorced. We used to sit outside on summer nights and watch the stars and fireflies as a family while listening to what I used to call “old people music.” They were both big fans of Frank Sinatra, and before the divorce we would listen to him for hours on end on those summer nights.
I’ll admit, remembering those nights made me feel better, and I began to hum the tune while singing the lyrics in my mind. ’Fly me to the moon, and let me play amongst the stars.’
I didn’t get far into the song, though. The door to the bedroom opened and in came Fluttershy, the end of a banana hanging from her mouth. She floated up to the bed and placed the fruit next to me with a smile. “Here’s your banana. Can I get you anything else? Some medicine? An extra pillow? Maybe some help with your grooming?”
...
‘What?’ was all I could think of for a moment when I heard that last one. ‘Perhaps I just misheard her?’ I looked at the mare before cautiously inquiring, “My... grooming?”
The mare looked at the confused expression on my face before tilting her head to the side. “Allogrooming? Oh, um, maybe you call it something else.”
‘I’m hoping I call it something else...’
“Umm, it’s the social activity of cleaning and grooming others that’s common in primates,” she explained with a smile on her face. Apparently she was happy about her knowledge of animal behaviors.
Key words there: animal behaviors.
‘Nope. She pretty much meant what I thought she meant,’ I sigh and mentally groaned; there she goes with the speciesism again. “Uhhhhhhh... Fluttershy?”
“Yes?”
“That’s...” I trailed off as I tried my best not to sound mean or offensive, “that’s not exactly how things work with humans.”
“I... I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed...” She flushed and looked down at the floor, fidgeting with her hooves, then shyly looked back up at me. “So... humans don’t groom each other at all?”
“No,” I replied quickly; unfortunately however, the part of my brain responsible for critical thinking decided now was the perfect time to analyze her question thoroughly. “Well... yes, under a few circumstances. I mean, people cut and style other peoples’ hair regularly, but that’s the extent of what I think you are referring to. Even then, it’s more a matter of practicality than anything else, if you ask me for my opinion on the matter.”
“So you don’t clean each other like primates do?”
“No...” I trailed off before thinking of what I knew of other cultures around the world before cursing inwardly, “well... yes, dammit. I mean, some cultures bathe together at times and scrub each others’ hair and back. But the only time people generally do that is when parents shower together with really young children. Or when two people are physically intimate with one another... and generally in those cases grooming isn’t really the point...”
“Oh. What is the point?”
“I... well,” I managed to begin hesitantly before I remembered where I was. “You know what, I’m getting really uncomfortable with this line of questioning.”
“I... I’m sorry. I, well... I didn’t mean to make you upset. Here, let me... Let me make it up to you, then.” She hesitatingly stepped forward and gently placed one of her hooves on my head, then began to slowly pet my hair.
I stiffened up a little at the strange gesture, and I felt slightly offended at first. What do I look like? Man’s best friend? Hell, I’m my own worst enemy at times...
Still, it felt oddly... relaxing.
She tentatively smiled at me and asked, “Is this okay?”
‘Well... they sure as hell aren’t hands... but those hooves aren’t too bad on this headache, either.’ I thought absentmindedly, each stroke through my hair surprisingly distracting.
Looking her in the eye sternly, I quickly asked, “No xeno? Right?”
Fluttershy for her part looked like that question had gone way over her head. “Uh... okay?”
I shrugged and relaxed again, allowing her to keep petting my head. “Good enough for me.”
The room was silent for a few minutes as Fluttershy just kept petting my head. It was ironic in some ways, and really didn’t help me reinforce the notion that humans aren’t animals, but at this point in time I had just mentally said ‘whatever’ and decided to go with the flow.
A few more minutes, and Fluttershy finally spoke up again to ask me, “Umm, do you need anything else? Some water, maybe?”
Seriously, this mare was built to worry about others and only worry about others, it seems.
“Well, to be honest, with the way today has gone... some rubbing alcohol and a loaf of bread would be pretty good right now, as well.”
Fluttershy looked adorably confused… and I decided for once that it was probably best just to shut the hell up. The gentle stroking on my head was doing wonders for the headache; so much so that I began to relax considerably. Hell, I even felt like I was about to fall asleep when I heard a sound in the room that I was fairly sure wasn’t Fluttershy. Turning to the mare, I noticed her head swiveling around, also looking for the cause of the noise.
Eventually, both of us saw the door leading to the room ajar, the sounds of the party outside no longer as muffled.
“Huh, guess someone got curious--” suddenly my vision was filled with a pink face; their eyes boring into my soul, demanding its surrender.
Before I could even scream out, an exuberant voice assaulted my ears, “Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie!”
“Gah, what the--” the rest of my sentence was cut off as I backed away from the excited mare in front of me and fell off the bed. And just for good measure, because I wasn’t already in pain as it was, my head met the extremely fluffy and soft hardwood floor.
“Oh my! Shaun, are you alright?” questioned Fluttershy with concern as she looked over the edge of the bed at me.
When someone, or somepony in this case, asks you a question like that in this situation, there is only one appropriate answer...
I whimpered, “Pink... demon... pony... thing... hurt... skull... pain ...”
~'.'~'.'~
Suffering has a face. It is apparently excitable. It has a constant sugar rush. It is notably also colored pink. And by the way... it also has a name...
Pinkie Pie.
My friends on Earth were never close to the definition of sane, I’ll admit; and we generally did enough loud and stupid shit to have justly invoked a few instances of natural selection, had it happened. In other words, I’ve been around the wild and crazy. Or rather... I thought I had. There is nothing that can prepare you for a first time verbal assault from Pinkie Pie. I suppose the best way I can sum the experience up would be to compare it to riding a sailboat straight into a rogue wave.
If you don’t understand the dangers of such an action, well that’s perfect. Realistically, you wouldn’t understand the dangers of meeting Pinkie Pie for the first time, either.
What?
...
Okay, fine... perhaps that is just me being mean and unfair. Surely Pinkie Pie was just eager to introduce herself to me and did not mean for me to receive two self-inflicted head wounds. Yet, the problem here is that she in no way seems to recognize the pain I feel. Which is kind of hard to believe considering I was wincing and muttering curse words under my breath as Fluttershy examined my head. Yet, instead of taking note of this fact... she was bouncing around the two of us in circles asking me what my favorite types of sweets are. My earlier evaluation of her has thus changed: both Twilight and this Pink eldritch horror are insane and here to ruin what’s left of my psyche.
Why couldn’t that lightning bolt have just done the damn job properly...?
... Whatever...
Thankfully, Fluttershy can be a bit assertive at times. After taking note of my rather beleaguered appearance, she managed to usher the party mare out the door with reassurances that I will be able to enjoy another one of her parties at a later date. Honestly, I didn’t know the mare had it in her to lie. Or perhaps she honestly thought I might enjoy one of those parties?
Anyway, I got my first bit of good news later that morning as Fluttershy told me I in fact did not have a concussion. For how hard she described me hitting my head, that actually came as a surprise. Seems this skull of mine is grade A solid material!
Yeah, okay, I know what you are thinking, so… well, yeah I did set myself up for that one.
Dammit. Okay... on principle though, I must insist that you go to hell for thinking less of me. I feel bad doing so, but I have to stick to my principles, after all.
Seriously, hell now, please. Not going to ask again.
Moving along, Fluttershy had to leave and prepare the birds for the opening ceremony, or something along those lines. I didn’t really listen to her goodbye that closely, to be honest. She kind of lost my interest when she mentioned conducting a bird choir. Also, I was too busy enjoying my banana.
It really was the best damn banana I have ever had…
The… best… damn… banana… ever ...
Ever!
Okay, not really. I was just using it as an excuse to sit back and tune out the world around me. Worked fairly well in fact.
So about half an hour later I found myself standing in the town hall, awaiting the Princess’ arrival. Sparky had argued for a few minutes before we left the library that I should probably stay in bed as I still wasn’t exactly feeling well; naturally, of course, if Sparky says one thing I think it’s in my best interest to automatically do the exact opposite. I’m an adult! I know how to live my life without anyone else’s input.
Which means that if I want to eat Lucky Charms or Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast still, then damn the neigh-sayers and health nuts. Screw you, Wheaties, Special K, and Kashi, I don’t care what your celebrity endorsements say about health... you taste like crap. Also, if I wanted a side of bacon with my cereal back home, you bet your ass that I’d be munching on that while spooning sugarized rainbow in my mouth.
…And now that I’m in this world, that statement takes on a whole new, and completely disturbing, meaning. Okay, time for a take-backsies!
Surprisingly, in hindsight, I was starting to think maybe... just maybe... she was right. I know, I know, but hear me out. When we entered the building, my ears were assaulted with the sounds of chatting ponies; cutsie chatting ponies... eager, happy, giddy, and especially loud chatting ponies. And here I am standing in the middle of this crowd with a headache the size of my ex’s rack.
I’ll just let you imagine what that may be.
It also didn’t help that the Royal Guards I saw were here as well, continuously looking at me with suspicion; I mean, I could cough and probably end up at the bottom of another freaking ponypile. I’m really tired of that, by the way...
Oh, and best of all! Pinkie Pie is standing next to me...
“Isn’t this exciting! Are you excited, Shaun? Cause I’m excited! I’ve never been-”
‘No, Pinkie, this is not exciting.’
I clamped my hand over her mouth. Normally I’d be more subtle about trying to encourage someone to play mute, but the headache told me that it was perfectly justifiable to smother the mare. Sadly, though, the hand over her mouth did nothing to slow down her rambling; in fact, it appeared that she wasn’t even aware of my intervention in the slightest.
Strangely enough, however, my actions appeared to have gained the approval of Sparky for the first time today. I wonder if she had a nice long conversation with Pinks at the party earlier? Perhaps our mutual disdain of this overactive pony can be the bridge to a strong friendship between the two of us? Or at least a cessation of hostilities and jackassery?
… Yeeeeeaaaahhh... probably not.
I heard Pinkie Pie inhale a great gasp of air to finish rambling on in her muted one-sided conversation. Fun fact: my hand, apparently, easily fits into the mare’s mouth. That... unsettles me. Also, it’s just freaking disgusting.
Why, you ask? Well, let’s just say I theorize those mouths have to be filled with some really bad bacteria. Case in point, I still haven’t figured out how ponies get from the bathroom to the dinner table and still hope to remain hygienic...
Not even freaking wipes or hand sanitizer anywhere, I tell you!
And now that I think about it... what about all those chefs who cooked in the palace kitchens...
…
Yeeeeeeaaaaah, I’m just going to slowly remove my hand from her mouth and move the hell on. Suffice to say, I think I’ll be cooking my own food from now on...
Suddenly, everybody-- pony, every-damn-pony’s... dammit, every thing’s head turned toward the front of the room as the blaring of trumpets and birdsong filled the hall. It was being directed by... Fluttershy? How the hell does the shyest pony get the proverbial balls to direct birds in front of half the town?
More importantly, is this what happens when an intelligent race evolves without thumbs? They just outsource their music to the birds?
Okay, I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll say it again... whatever made this place had copious amounts of LSD involved in the process...
A spotlight drifted downward and and drew my attention to a white and yellow pony wearing old-lady glasses. Hm... Didn’t realize that ponies needed glasses. Or could wear them, for that matter. Guess there’s some things magic just can’t fix. For everything else, there’s ‘fuck you, Shaun.’
“Fillies and Gentlecolts, as mayor of Ponyville, it is my pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!”
‘Great... a politician...’ I thought with a sigh. ‘I wonder if this world’s politicians are as good at sex scandals as ours... wait, upon further thought, these are ponies and I no longer wish to broach this topic.’
The entire hall erupted in cheers that immediately made my eyes water in pain. This noise was worse than that time I made an appearance at my niece's sixth birthday party as a clown. So the clown from It scares children. Is that really my fault? They said a clown! All I had at the time was three dollars and my previous year’s Halloween costume; plus, that Taco Bell value menu called out to my teenage hunger at the time. Geez, you traumatize one party of children and all of a sudden you’re a heartless monster...
The mayor patiently waited for the cheers to die down before continuing. “In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise and celebrate this,” she nodded to a golden tapestry hanging in the air, “the longest day of the year!”
“And now, it is my great honor, to introduce to you the great ruler of our land. The very pony that gives us the sun and the moon each and every day-”
‘Even though I failed high school physics, I’m still calling bullshit on that one.’
“… the good, the wise-”
’The troll…’
“-the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria… Princess Celestia!” the potentially corrupt mayor of Ponyville finished excitedly.
The birds and trumpets made their return while the white and purple she-touched-me-in-strange-places-with-a-tape-measure pony pulled on a rope, drawing a pair of curtains open. The spotlight whizzed over to reveal... an empty spot behind the curtains. Every pony in the hall gasped in shock.
I glanced down at Sparky to see that not only did she look shocked, but also a little bit scared. “Uh... Twilight?”
Twilight stared at the empty spot, her head sinking towards the floor. “This, can’t be good!”
I nodded in agreement. “Yeah. Trolling me is one thing. But trolling her loyal and loving subjects? Ohhh… that’s just evil.”
Twilight looked at me incredulously and stomped a hoof in frustration. “Shaun, this is serious!”
“And I, for once, support your outrage one hundred percent,” I agreed flatly. “I mean, just ‘cause her subjects are loyal and extremely gullible doesn’t mean she can just show up fashionably late at these things. She’s got an image to maintain!”
Twilight looked at me with her mouth agape, before facehoofing... err, I guess that’s what you call it. If not, that’s what I’m going to call it now. “Shaun, the prophecy, remember? Nightmare Moon? Does that ring a bell?”
“Look, Sparky,” I tried to give her a reassuring look. “Just ‘cause a book that was perhaps written long ago said the end of the world is coming doesn’t mean that’s going to happen.”
“But--”
I quickly cut her off. “No buts, just chill.”
“Remain calm everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!” exclaimed the Mayor, trying to calm the ponies in the room, many of whom looked one hoof-fall away from a stampede.
I don’t know how something like that would exactly pan out... but I can only assume that with my luck I’ll find myself right in the middle of that mess with a few bones not so in tact...
To compound matters, Pinkie Pie began jumping in the air like an ADHD child on sugar pills. “Ooh, ooh, I love guessing games! Is she hiding?” She looked around her as if the Princess would just appear out of thin air.
I watched as Rarity, who had disappeared backstage to look for Celestia, trotted back over to the balcony railing and announced, “She's gone !”
‘Thank you, for stating the obvious. Never would have guessed that with her... well, being gone and all...’
The hall full of ponies made another collective gasp, and I swear a couple of them fainted. It’s like those goats you can say ‘boo’ to and they just fall over and play dead... ‘cept pastel ponies. Although, it’s equally hilarious to watch either way.
Pinkie Pie had a look of admiration on her face. “Ooh, she's good!”
Suddenly, the pink demon screeched and the room full of ponies once again gasped in unison. Pretty sure a few of them fell over again as well.
In the place of where the Princess was supposed to be, a great sparking ball of... star... gas... stuff... sparklies... shinies... appeared. Yeah, that’s my description and I’m sticking to it; and in my opinion it’s a damn good one... somewhat...
...
Alright, alright... I suck at being descriptive at times. Happy?
Twilight Sparkle gasped and lowered her head in fright. “Oh no...” The twinkly star vapor crap split in two, revealing a tall black alicorn in silver armor. Yes... twinkly star vapor crap. Once again, I stick to my descriptions because in my mind, I am infallible. She stretched out her black wings as the star mass that made up her mane and tail fully took shape. “Nightmare Moon!”
Spike groaned as he raised his arms into the air and promptly rolled off of Sparky’s back, fainting onto the ground.
“Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces.”
“What did you do with our Princess?!” yelled Skittles, as she pointed an accusing hoof towards the dark alicorn; before hastily attempting to shoot off towards her. Luckily, however, Applejack was nearby and had enough sense to hold her back from what would have most likely been a flank kicking.
Now, I don’t claim to be the brightest individual there is. Hell, I don’t even claim to think most of my actions through; that’s something that I know is readily apparent at times. However, charging at a being powerful enough to move a celestial body? Even I can say that’s about as smart as playing a game of chicken against a dump truck while driving a Prius. Just how dumb can this mare be?
The black pony threw her head back and gave an evil laugh. “Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?”
For the hyper-pink-migraine-inducing pony, that was all it took for her brain to subconsciously scream ‘challenge accepted’ followed by a rapid auditory attack on the senses. “Ooh, ooh, more guessing games! Um, Hokey Smokes! How about... Queen Meanie! No! Black Snooty, Black Snooty-” Applejack quickly stuffed an apple in her mouth to shut her up. But, of course that wouldn’t stop her, she continued mumbling off potential bad-guy names.
The black pony brushed off the interruption and flew over to Fluttershy. “Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?” The shy pony trembled in the air and hid her face from the mare. The black mare flew over to Rarity and finished her speech while also invading her personal space. Ha! Take that! “Did you not recall the legend?” she asked as she caressed the white pony’s jaw with her crazy-ass magical mane. “Did you not see the signs?”
Sparky quickly spoke up and answered, “I did. And I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Moon – Nightmare Moon!”
‘Ahhhh... dammit, Sparky. Not only are you right, you just directed Nightmare Moon’s attention this way. Hopefully the world-ending entity won’t pay the tall biped-thing any mind...’
The black pony, now named Nightmare Moon, looked down at Sparky, a hint of amusement on her face. “Well, well, well, somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I'm...” she drifted off as her gaze shifted and fell on me.
‘Well... crap? Seriously, my unicorn acquaintance is digging my grave here...’
“What manner of... creature,” she spat out the ‘creature’ part with a heavy amount of disdain, “art thou?”
‘Alright, don’t soil yourself, and be respectful, and maybe nothing bad will happen to me.’ I took a deep breath and looked up, pointed to myself, and squeaked, “meep?”
...
Go to hell, brain! You’re stupidity has screwed me over one too many times lately!
Sparky, though clearly still scared, looked at me strangely. Many of the ponies in the Town Hall looked confused, and Ms. Scary Alicorn-thing raised an eyebrow at my response.
“Art thou so ignorant that thou cannot form a proper response?” questioned the black mare of my possible doom and destruction with a smirk on her face.
Now, this is where a normal person would think things through, and make an attempt to either redirect her attention or stand tall, proud, and rectify their moment of meekness.
I, however, am not that type of person. When insults are flung my way... well, that’s when I stop thinking, momentarily.
Acting on mere instincts alone, honed to perfection from years of dealing with friends that have said similar things, I snorted and yelled back without thinking, “Well hello Miss Fancy Pants! I've got news for you, sweetheart. You ain't leadin' but two things right now, Jack and shit... and Jack left town!”
I was expecting her to be insulted; or perhaps mildly annoyed. However, she just quirked an eyebrow at my response. “And what, pray tell, does--”
“It means take your horn and shove it up your flank!”
“Thou--”
“Up yours!”
The Town Hall stood silent for a moment before there was a collective gasp from the crowd. Looking around the room I found most everypony was staring at me, mouth open and wide-eyed. I looked down at Sparky who was also looking at me, her mouth agape, and a look that screamed ‘you fool’ etched on her features.
…
Coincidentally, just a few seconds after my auto-response left my lips, my sense of self-preservation, having taken a quick bathroom break, decided to reassert itself very quickly. The nice rational voice in my began to calmly assess my situation. ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuu! Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god! I’m so screwed! So freaking screwed! Sooooooooooo freaking screwed. Why? Why did I think saying any of that was a good idea?!’
“How... dare thou speak to a Princess in such a manner! You will regret not holding thine tongue you foul--”
Luckily for me, the mayor of Ponyville cut her off. “Seize her!” she yelled at the royal guards in the room. “Only she knows where the Princess is!”
… Seems the mayor’s got a pair on her. She’s just earned my vote.
The guards, having been relatively useless in every aspect of their existence this evening thus far, finally took action as they began to converge on her, attempting to subdue the black mare.
‘Equestria’s finest to the rescue!’
While the guards converged on my little nightmare, I took the chance to swallow any semblance of courage I might have had at one point during the evening and dove for cover behind the table next to Applejack. Better to be cowardly, in my opinion, than stick around and find out what happens to idiots who can’t seem to shut their mouth. Applejack just rolled her eyes at my antics. Hell if I care right now, though.
From my hiding spot, I watched as the enraged alicorn cackled and bellowed, “Stand back, you foals!” Lightning struck right in front of her and she flung the guards into the wall with what looked like very little effort.
I could only watch the display of power and facepalm. ‘Well, great. Dammit, guys... why do you have to suck so bad? Wasn’t fighting evil and extremely powerful beings anywhere in your training regimen?’
“Now... where was I...” I heard her say from behind my cover. “Ah yes, I was just about to... where has the foul beast run off to?!”
‘Ah shit... this isn’t going to end well.’
“Come out, cretin!” bellowed Nightmare Moon.
‘Not happening...’
After a brief moment of silence, the Town Hall suddenly became filled with her enraged demands for me to face my punishment like a real colt would. Good thing for me then that I’m not a colt, so I don’t feel obligated to come out and save face. At that moment though, something bumped up against me, which caused my heart to skip a beat. As I turned to see what it was, my vision quickly became filled with a mass of pink, two big eyes, and an even bigger smile.
“Hey Shaun, are you hiding?!”
I quickly clamped a hand over her mouth, for all the good I knew that would do, I tried to keep her quiet before whispering, “Yes Pinkie. The mare of destruction and I are playing a grand game of hide and seek at the moment.”
‘Cept if I lose, well... yeah. Morbid things happen.’
The pink mare’s eyes lit up. “Oh, I love hide and seek! Can I play? Can I, huh huh huh?”
“Pinkie,” I hissed, “it’s really just between the two of us, so unless you can keep her from finding me...”
“Hmmm.” Her demeanor became serious for a moment as she rubbed a hoof against her chin in contemplation. Looking back at me she broke into her maniacal grin that I’ve come to fear with my entire being. “I can do that!”
I blinked. “Wait, what?”
“Watch!” she replied as she got up.
“Pinkie, no!” I hissed trying to stop her.
Sadly, I’ve come to find out that reasoning with Pinkie Pie is an idea that’s dead in the water from the very moment you think of doing so. The party pony quickly jumped out from behind the table and waved a forehoof in the air, trying to get the dark alicorn’s attention. “Hey, Nightmare Moon,” she chirped, the smile never leaving her face as she began to bounce up and down. “He ran out when you weren’t looking to find a super-duper-awesome hiding spot after calling you a big meanie flank!”
...
‘Oh god, seriously? There’s no damn way she’s going to fall for--’
“Is that so?” I heard Nightmare Moon respond in a curious manner. “Well then, I shall simply have to flush the beast out like the insignificant rat it is.”
‘That bit--… wait, what the hell?’
Nightmare Moon chuckled. “Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever !” She broke into evil laughter as lightning struck in the background and her star gas filled up the room in a fat, dark swirl. With her cackling still ringing in the background, she dissipated into vapor and zipped out of the room, quickly followed by Skittles, the suicidally-minded pony.
‘That.. worked?!’ I couldn’t believe my luck; she actually fell for the ruse! She actually fell for that stupid-as-hell trick! Apparently I’m safe for the time being! My luck is finally taking a turn for the better! Turning to the mare that quite possibly just saved me from myself as she trotted back towards me, I did something I didn’t think I would ever do...
I hugged a pony.
“Pinkie Pie, you are freaking awesome,” I said, genuinely grateful for her actions.
She giggled and hugged back. “Thanks, Mr. Human!”
Picking myself up off the floor, I quickly scanned the room as I watched frightened ponies converse with one another at what had just transpire. Which in turn ruined my good mood from being saved just now. Upon further though, that doesn’t really freaking matter because we’re screwed in the long run, anyway. I mean, I’m no biologist; hell, my academic performance with any field of science is proof of that. Buuuuuut... last time I checked, plants need sunlight to grow. No sun, no sunlight. No sunlight, no plants. Last I understood, plants are the main source of food in Equestria. This, in turn, seems like it would be a small catastrophic event for a society of herbivores...
But hey, I’m always up for salvaging something good out of something bad, and at least I learned another valuable lesson today. Sometimes, you just have to trust a slightly unbalanced being, that is at times seemingly on the edge of insanity, and their predictions of the end of the world as we know it. It might just be true.
Little good that does me now...
Speaking of Sparky, I noticed that she was no longer beside me. I glanced around until finally I saw her disappearing out the door. Something told me not to follow her... but for once, I told myself that maybe... just maybe... it would be best to do so. After all, what could go wrong that hasn’t already?
“Where are you going?” questioned Pinkie Pie as I turned to go.
“I’ve got to catch up with Sparky,” I replied, before looking back at her with a small grin. “If there is a tomorrow, we’ll talk then and I’ll buy ya some hay or something as thanks for earlier.” I didn’t even wait for her response as I began walking away.
While I made my way out, I noticed one of the Royal Pegasi slumped against the wall near the doors, still as death itself. That... had me worried. I may not like these guys... but I’m not heartless, either. I walked over to the guard who, thankfully, gave out a small groan; that at least assured me he was still alive. I studied him for a moment, making sure he didn’t have any visible injuries. After I got a good look at him, I couldn’t help but feel that he seemed vaguely familiar. Chances are he was one of those that played defensive lineman against the human. Still, I kneeled down beside him to check on his condition. “Hey, man... er... pony... colt... screw it. Hey, guard. You okay there?”
He moaned pathetically in response. “I-it... hurts... in... p-places... I didn’t... know existed.”
Yup, he’s okay... probably. “Well, I totally agree with you there,” I said as I backed away, “karma's a bitch. Next time don’t bury the strange alien underneath you and your friends, and the universe won’t screw you over in the end.”
“That... wasn’t me,” he managed to mutter, then winced in pain again.
“Oh... well, umm...” I looked around sheepishly, feeling like a complete ass with all things considered, before glancing at the exit. “Oh look, seems my handler has left the building! I’ll just be seeing you around, then. Feel better!” With that, I got up and made a hasty departure from the Town Hall as ponies moved in to assist the downed guard.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking, but come on! How was I supposed to know he wasn’t one of my assailants? The guards all look the same to me when you’re buried underneath seven of them at a time...
Don’t you dare judge me! I’ve seen things in those pony piles that can’t be unseen...
By the time I exited the Town Hall, I had already lost track of Sparky and Spike; though I had a good indication of where she was heading. She needs information, and a library has information. Simple logic if you ask me.
I made my way across town quickly, coming up on the tree house just in time to notice Sparky making her way inside. When I finally entered the library, Sparky was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, closing the door behind her softly with her magic. She looked at me briefly before she made her way over to a shelf on the far side of the library without saying a word.
“So...”
“Not now, Shaun.” she replied offhandedly, “I need to concentrate.”
“Well, is there anything I can do to help?”
She didn’t even bother to look at me as she magically lifted another few books and tossed them aside after glancing at their covers. “I... appreciate the offer, but if this day and your entire stay here is anything to go by, your type of help generally doesn’t... well... help.”
I opened my mouth to object at the perceived insult, but closed it after I quickly evaluated her reasoning. Honestly, perhaps I had little ground to stand on to defend myself. Like hell I’d admit that to her, even under duress, but now was not the time to bicker; the apocalypse seems like a good reason to bury the hatchet for the moment, after all.
Looking down at the floor, I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Alright, look... you’re trying to find some book, and two sets of eyes are better than one. I’m fairly certain I can look for a book, at least. Besides, like hell would I want this Nightmare Moon to win because, let’s face it... I’m screwed just as much as you ponies are if she does. I say that we team up for the moment. Agreed?”
She looked at me firmly, clearly looking for any hint on insincerity on my part. After a few moments her expression softened. “Setting aside our grievances for mutual self-preservation? It-- well, it seems I was wrong about your ability to reason rationally under extreme situations.”
… Die in a fire, Sparky. Just die in a fire...
The unicorn thought briefly for a moment more before nodding her head at me. “Agreed then. I’m looking for a book on what my research has led me to believe is the only thing capable of stopping Nightmare Moon, the Elements of Harmony--”
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a blur of cyan flew up in her face, “And just what are the Elements of Harmony?” I was about to say something in response to her intrusion, but the soft sound of hooves against hardwood brought my attention to the doorway behind me; I turned around and noticed Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie entering the library as well.
Sparky slowly started backing up to get away from the irritated pegasus in her face, but Skittles continued to push at her. “And how did you know about Nightmare Moon, huh? Are you two spies ?” she yelled accusingly at Sparky and me.
... w... t... f...
I looked at Skittles in disbelief. “Okay, so I just insulted a being that could probably rip me apart limb from limb with her mind if she really wanted to... and you’re asking if we’re spies? You know if I had to place a monetary value on your ability to reason, I’d say you’d be three bits short of a two bit cup of coffee...”
The rainbow mare looked at me for a few seconds, clearly confused by what I said. However, I saw the metaphorical hamster wheel turning in her head, albeit slowly, and about twenty seconds later her head began to look as red as a tomato. She flew at me and I quickly found her mere inches from my face. “Why, you! I’ll show you wha-- whoa!” she exclaimed as Applejack grabbed her by the tail and thankfully jerked her away from me.
The country mare soon released Skittles’ tail and sighed in annoyance. “Simmer down, Sally. They ain't no spies,” she looked at me with a hint of scrutiny. “Besides, this here critter stands out too much. Don’t make much sense to be a spy that stands out, don’t ya think?”
I could see in Rainbow’s eyes that even with that explanation, the riled up pegasus didn’t buy her reasoning entirely. Which in turn caused me to reevaluate my earlier assessment to five bits.
Applejack trotted closer to Twilight and calmly spoke, “But she sure knows what's going on. Don't you, Twilight?” The other mares looked at her, their faces clearly conveying their desires for her to elaborate on what she knew.
Twilight Sparkle seemed to resign and began to explain, “I read all about the prediction of Nightmare Moon. Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her,” she glanced out of the window at the moon, “but I don't know what they are, where to find them, I don't even know what they do!” she finished, frustrated.
"’The Elements of Harmony,’” I turned around and saw Pinkie reading the title of a book straight off the shelf, ”’A Reference Guide.’"
Twilight Sparkle whipped her body around, dashed towards the bookshelf in question, and gently slammed the pink pony out of the way. “How did you find that?!”
Pinkie Pie began to bounce around on her hooves as she replied in a sing-song voice, “It was under ‘E’!”
I slapped my forehead. ‘Oh you have got to be kidding me... how the hell did Sparky not think to look there first?! I swear... she seems brilliant, but when it comes to common sense a toaster oven has her beat...’
Sparky levitated the book from the shelf, flipped it open, and began to read, “There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known: Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty and Loyalty. The sixth is a complete mystery. It is said, the last known location of the five elements was in the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters. It is located in what is now...”
She paused and everyone unanimously read, “The Everfree Forest!”
…
I put a hand over my eyes the shook my head. “Okay, you gals have got to stop doing that.”
All six ponies turned towards me and in unison asked, “Doing what?”
“... That...”
They all stared at me incomprehensibly, before they all cocked their head to the side. “Huh?”
I looked at them somewhat crossly before sighing and throwing my hands into the air. “You know what? Nevermind. Not worth the time, energy, and sanity involved.”
“He seems kind of tense,” I heard Rarity whisper a little too loud as she leaned closer to the yellow mare beside her. “Darling, do you think he needs another banana?”
…
Yeah, fuck this. I’m out until these mares come up with a damn plan that doesn’t involve talking, gasping, breathing, crying out, or dying in unison. So until next time... if there even is a next time, at this rate...
Sincerely,
S.A.D.
~’.’~’.’~’.’~’.’~’.’~
00lizard note: I wanted to let you guys know that I’m aware some of the commas don’t make sense grammatically. In the dialogue, they’re there to enunciate the pauses the ponies take between words (chiefly, the mayor’s speech). In the narrative, they’re there to force a mental pause and to help keep ideas separate (because the writer is crazy has a lot of ideas). Please don’t hesitate to critique the grammar. Thanks!
So, this chapter was helped along by a lot of people because... well I was being lazy and unmotivated for a while. As usual, 00lizard and Meliron provides the bulk of the nitty-gritty editing. This time however I let a few others read through the chapter early to get some good feedback, and I want to thank Anrodos, Proud-Dust, SlinkySalamander, Invictus, and DustTraveller for their solid advice and contributions! Seriously, those guys rock!
