Princess Celestia's (and Luna's, I guess) Shocking Ultimate Secret Nopony Would Ever Have Guessed

by TheReaderAndWriter

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 2789

Celestia (and Luna, I guess) realizes, to her horror, that for the past 1000 years she has been governing a bunch of freaking idiots.

On the eve of the Coexistence Carnival - one of the most important celebrations in the world, where each and every kingdom comes together one night in peace to celebrate unity - Celestia (and Luna, I guess) accidentally reveals a secret about themselves.

Or, rather, reveals an accidental secret.

Rated teen because of one utterance of the f-word and one utterance of the b-word.

*Edit*
Wow! What a great response! I also went through it and changed a few wrong words here and there, an awkward sentence at another spot. Nothing major.

I can't believe this got featured! Celebration!

Published 2014-08-11 02:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-11 02:20:02 UTC

You're A What?!

The Coexistence Carnival was a wonderful celebration of unity held every ten years.

Twilight actually found the naming convention of the event quite fascinating. 'Carnival' It was actually a misnomer, having been wrongly translated over a millennium ago from an archaic griffin word meaning 'party' or 'gathering'. The history was quite fascinating too, it having been established by two warring clans within the griffin kingdom wishing for peace, but had then been accepted and shared by every other culture of the world. To think, that the wish for a peaceful resolution to a conflict could have expanded so mu-

"Princess Twilight, would you like some wine?" asked a kind voice to her side.

Twilight jerked in her place, having been distracted by her thoughts. She looked to her left, facing the horse, a beautiful graceful mare, fitting for one of the royal family of Saddle Arabia.

"No, thank you kindly. I try to avoid alcohol, even for festivities," said Twilight, doing her best to sound polite despite turning down the offer.

"It's quite alright, my dear. You are a very responsible young princess," said the queen.

Yeah... responsible... I guess you can call not wanting to end up a drunken wreck on the first page of every tabloid in Equestria that.

"Thank you for your kind words. I trust you're comfortable?" said Twilight.

"Absolutely. I do so enjoy coming to Equestria for festivities. This is your first Coexistence Carnival, is it not?" she asked.

"The first celebration I've attended, yes. I was quite too young the previous Carnival to even stay up past my bedtime," said Twilight.

The queen laughed with the most delightful voice. "I was not even crowned queen then. It was the griffins who hosted the gathering of the royals last," she said, looking over the table from side to side. Along a very long table, covered in delectable dishes and beverages, all with golden plates and cutlery, were world leaders of every nation in the world. Ponies, griffins, zebras, horses, changelings, even the odd dragon, all sitting together in peace. Everywhere one could hear merry chatting and laughter. In front of the leaders, just a few feet below, were several long tables with important delegates, military leaders, ambassadors, politicians, celebrities and other V.I.Ps. While the royals had golden plates, everyone else had silver.

Butlers and servants constantly walked with new dishes and drinks, everyone trotting with a professional stride, almost to the beat of the music.

Right outside the windows one could see the starry night sky whenever a firework display did not draw one's attention, but the hall was lit up with golden lights so strong one could have been tricked it was day.

"Am I right?" asked the queen.

Without showing it, Twilight paused as she panicked beneath the surface. Do I correct her about how it was actually the hippogriffs? On one hoof, I might come off as a know-it-all at a time where pleasing your guests is key, but on the other, I could come off as fool if she finds out later on. On top of that, she might look like a fool if I don't correct her and she tells someone else who actually knows. But, she might also think I'm calling her an idiot by saying she's wrong!

Meanwhile, Twilight was unaware that the mare knew very well who had hosted the last celebration, and that Twilight was well-read. Let's see just how the new young royal deals with this.

"Yes, I'm absolutely sure you are right," said Twilight. The mare nodded politely.

Inwardly, Twilight relaxed. Phew, I'm sure that went great!

The queen glanced the other way. Kiss-ass.

Twilight looked over the tables below, noticing her friends among the crowd, Spike, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. Spike noticed she was looking and waved with enthusiasm, despite being just a bit past his bedtime. A bit awkwardly, Twilight waved to them. Suddenly, two hundred different guests started waving back, as none wanted to appear accidentally impolite to royalty.

Sitting up straight, Twilight slowly stopped waving. Instead, she looked over to her left, beyond the queen, to see the main hosts of this party. Princess Celestia (and Luna, I guess) Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor all sat in the middle, chatting both to themselves and others. Princess Celestia was in the middle of idle conversation with the king of Saddle Arabia.

"It's a very wonderfully planned party, Princess Celestia. I'm almost dreading having to surpass it in ten years."

"Oh, Your Highness, it's not a competition," said Celestia with a pleasant smile.

If it was, you would totally win, thought Twilight. Please look over here. Just a glance? Please notice me Celestia Senpai! Then adopt me and make me call you 'Mommy'!

"That will not stop me, Princess. Just you wait," he said, chuckling.

"Eagerly," said Celestia with meaningful look. Bring it on, bitch.

"Did you know that I was almost not even able to attend? Can you believe it?" he asked.

"Why is that?" asked Celestia.

"Well, trouble at home. A Scorpio had decided to claim my beloved land as its own. Making it leave took our bravest warriors on a quest filled with peril," said the king.

"Yes, I can relate. It wasn't that long ago until I had to send my armies to handle threats to Equestria. Now I just make Twilight and her friends take care of it," said Celestia and took a sip of her drink... or maybe it was Luna's? Meh, who cares?

"And that works?"

"Better than you would think," said Celestia, sounding almost contemplative. "Not that long ago, I decided to give Princess Twilight my magic in an act of desperation against a terrible threat. Then, she battled against the threat with extreme prejudice. Mountains exploded. I wish I could have seen it. Well, in any case, as long as my little ponies are safe, then I don't concern myself with who handles the problem."

"Quite true. Being the only one in a true position of power in Equestria must be quite the burden on your own," said the king with clear sympathy. The blue pony next to Celestia, whatever her name was, leaned over and glared at him.

"Not completely true, Your Highness. Aren't you forgetting someone?" asked Celestia with a glint in her eye.

They exchanged a few looks before his face lit up. "Ah, of course, how could I forget about your reformed former adversary." He looked past Celestia. The blue whatever tried to not roll her eyes. "I completely forgot about you, Discord! I apologize!"

The draconequus leaned past the blue scowling thing and raised his top hat, one that constantly switched colors. "Don't fret, a simple mistake to make tonight. Believe me, had I not followed Princess Celestia's advice for this eve, you would never forget me, Your Highness."

"Truly a caring gentle soul," said the king with reverence in his voice.

Twilight's face showed a bit of hesitation. I'm not sure any part of that sentence was right. I wouldn't call him gentle, caring, and I'm not sure he even has a soul. Heck, I'm not even sure he is an 'a'!

The king cleared his throat. "If we return to the topic of the conversation for a bit, relating to the protection of your kingdom. Princess Celestia, there has been a lot of dangers in Equestria as of late. Can you even sleep? I would not be able to were I in your position. Such responsibility, not just of your own subjects, but of the whole world. The sun you master warms us all. If anyone except you had that skill, then I would fear for my life."

Celestia declined to clarify that, yes, giving Twilight her magic also involved the little matter of who controlled the sun, even if just for a day.

"Such power, anyone else would have given in to temptation, simply burning whoever displeased them," said the king. "Frightening prospect, no?"

"Very much, but I have sworn to never squander my responsibilities and duties like that," said Celestia. Not that I wasn't tempted once or twice, or rather just once, she thought and glanced back at Discord.

"It is true that taking care of Equestria can be challenging. However, ponies can endure more than one would think," said Celestia, taking another sip of her drink. She gave Discord and the king a bit of a worried glance. "Of course, there is just the little thing that the nature of ponies can make each obstacle just that slightly more difficult to overcome..."

"What do you mean?" asked the king. Even Discord looked interested.

"Well, ponies have a tendency to... panic."

"Ah, yes. Very true," said Discord, losing interest and sitting back down.

"Well, every populace can't be expected to be brave in the face of danger," said the king.

Celestia turned to him, and spoke with visible concern. "You don't understand, Your Highness. Ponies react to almost every larger change with panic and chaos," she said.

Discord leaned forward with his head resting on his claw. Just another reason I liked playing with them. Hm... I wonder, if I'm very discreet, I might be able to cause some chaos here tonight and not get caught. I mean, sure, I'm a good... enough guy now, but I still want to have a bit of chaotic fun. What if I blame it on someone else? I could make the pasta act like snakes, or change the drinks to make you gassy based on how important you are, (Celestia would be a walking time bomb) or- or! I'll make you switch species with whoever you're talking to whenever you use an honorific! Yeah, that'll be fantastic! I've grown tired of all this extreme politeness, and it fits the theme of coexistence and understanding, so if they find out, then I can just say 'I just thought it would be appropriate, I'm sooo sooorry!'.

With a bit of a mischievous grin, he readied his claw under the tablecloth. Just a snap away and this would truly be a night to remember. He had to keep himself from chuckling in the most evil way, an old habit, as he overlooked the tables where the chaos would soon commence, then he glanced towards a table not too far away. Someone noticed him looking, and waved discretely, afraid that anyone would see her. Fluttershy, dressed in a beautiful fancy dress, still managed to have a good time despite all the noise and attention.

On second thought, maybe next time, thought Discord and waved back to her with his claw.

Then he noticed the servant that passed her, who flashed a frown upon noticing her little friend hiding in her flowing mane, a little mouse just wanting a taste of the fancy life. Discord didn't like what the servant mouthed. With a quiet snap of his claw, the servant slipped on a banana peel that vanished the moment everyone around looked at the embarrassed butler.

Meh, good enough. Discord took a bite of a the salad on his plate.

"Don't you agree, Discord?" asked Celestia.

Wait, is she still talking? Darn! "U-um, yes, absolutely, Celestia," said Discord. She turned back to the king. Phew!

"I once heard that they panicked when bunnies were on a stampede towards them! Bunnies, Your Highness! A friend of Twilight Sparkle has panicking protocols! Don't even get me started on when they are forced outside their comfort zone! My student once caused complete chaos because she hadn't written me a letter! Ponies rarely cope at first! They just break down at the first sign of trouble!" said Celestia.

"Sounds exhausting," said the king.

"You have no idea," said Celestia, not knowing that she was about to reveal a secret so SHOCKING that nopony in the room was prepared for it.

"Once, I went to Ponyville for the Nightmare Night celebration, and everyone reacted with-"

"Yeah, not right now, Luna," said Celestia and gestured towards her, without so much as looking. Still, her (and Luna's, I guess) HORRIBLE secret was about to be revealed to the world. "Things aren't always easy. I'm glad Princess Twilight Sparkle has joined the royal family, because I need all the support I can get."

"I'm always here for you, Mo- Princess Celestia!" said Twilight Sparkle to the side, not knowing she was about to learn something UNTHINKABLE about her mentor and friend.

The king chuckled. "I feel for you, my friend."

"Well, ponies can be a bit difficult at times. I must say, one horse to another."

Twilight couldn't help but to lean over. "Don't you mean, 'one equine to another'?" She always hated when something was technically wrong, well, sure, they were horses, but you usually just used 'pony' and 'horse' to distinguish the two.

Celestia gave her a funny look. "Well, no."

"What?" asked Twilight.

"What do you mean, Princess Twilight? He's a horse, I'm a horse," said Princess Celestia.

"Yeah, but he's a horse and you're a pony horse. You're right, it's foolish of me to make the distinction," said Twilight and nodded. A horse was a horse, and saying otherwise could be seen as inconsiderate.

"Well, no. He's a regular horse, and I'm a regular horse. Not a pony equine."

Twilight just stared. "Wait, do you...? You're a what?!" asked Twilight, not sure she just didn't misunderstand. "You're just a pony, right?"

Celestia chuckled. "It's about time you developed a sense of humor, Twilight."

"You're not a pony, but..."

"Yes, I'm a horse, just a regular horse," said Celestia. "Dear, where are you going with this?"

"You're a horse!?" asked Twilight in sheer disbelief. It couldn't have been true. Suddenly, the music stopped dead, making both Twilight and Princess Celestia turn towards the tables.

Celestia didn't understand why absolute silence had struck. "Is... something wrong?" she asked.

"You're actually a horse!? You're not a pony?!" yelled Twilight.

"Twilight, didn't you know? I'm a horse, I've always been a horse, of course," said Celestia, in just as much disbelief as her student.

"Obviously I didn't know!" said Twilight.

"I didn't know!" exclaimed Discord, in a moment where he seemed actually humbled. He just couldn't come up with more fitting words.

It dawned on Celestia, finally, just what the shocked expressions of her citizens down below actually meant.

"Wait, did none of you know?!"

"I did, mom! What the heck is this!?" shouted a single voice in the hall. Spike had his tiny purple claw raised, looking around himself, standing on his stool, He couldn't believe their reactions.

A griffin king leaned forward to spot Celestia. "Did none of your ponies actually know of this, Princess Celestia?" asked the king.

"I'm just as surprised as you, Your Highness," said Celestia.

"You didn't know you were a horse either?" asked a pony in the back.

"That none of you knew!" shouted Celestia. "Seriously, what in the world is this? My subjects, look at me! I'm taller than the king of Saddle Arabia! Of course I'm not a pony horse! How could you ever think I was a pony?!" asked Celestia. It almost sounded like she pleaded with them.

"I just assumed you were a magic pony!" said Discord, grabbing at his face with both claw and paw. "This explains sooo much! No wonder I could never break you!"

"You mean you aren't a magic pony, Princess Celestia?" asked a changeling commander down among the tables.

"I'm clearly a magical horse!"

"What about Luna?" asked a random voice in the crowd.

"Who?" asked another.

"She's a horse too! She's just a tiny horse! A really tiny horse! A really tiny horse that hasn't really accomplished anything!"

"I get it," said Luna deadpan, not amused.

"Are you all serious?! You never even knew?"

"But you've referred to yourself as a pony before!"

"I've also once referred to myself as a homie when I am clearly not! Are you all blind!? Do you not understand the concept of size!? There is a difference between regular horses and ponies!"

The room was in complete silence. Princess Celestia just leaned forward, groaning with her face lying on the tablecloth.

I'm governing a bunch of fucking idiots. Oh my god!

Luna just took a sip of her drink, not giving a flying feather. "Whatever. You're also a pegasus and a unicorn at the same time. It's not like anypony cares about whether you're a horse or a pony."

***

The next day, the headline of every newspaper, tabloid and student essay in Equestria was the following:

Princess Celestia Not Actually A Pony!
Equestria in Chaos and Anarchy!

A few had the subheading:

And Luna, I guess...