How Philomena Seduced Owlowiscious

by pertelote345

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Sex, Owlowiscious, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Philomena, Comedy
Length: 3675

Philomena has a grand plan to serve the kingdom, but she needs Owlowiscious's help. Fortunately, her allure is legendary, and she knows just the right thing to say to get his attention... NOT CLOP

Philomena has a grand plan to serve the kingdom, but she needs Owlowiscious's help. Fortunately, her allure is legendary, and she knows just the right thing to say to get his attention...

NOT CLOP
((Warning: Does contain sexual themes; This is my planned entry for Equestria Daily's fanfic competition. I would appreciate any comments or editing assistance that could be provided.))

Published 2014-08-11 01:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-14 03:15:20 UTC

Chapter 1: Directors Cut (not for contest)

How Philomena Seduced Owlowiscious
1: Philomena

"Want to have sex?" I asked.

Owlowiscious turned a delightful shade of crimson and nearly fell off his perch. "W-What?!"

I tilted my head playfully. He was so cute when he was flustered. I fluffed out my fiery feathers and gave him my best bedroom eyes. "You, me, beast with two backs, interested?"

Owls already had wide eyes, his were in the process of outgrowing his skull. "But- but Lady Philomena you're a royal advisor! And we met all of three minutes ago!"

"Your point being?"

"Well, I..." He blinked. "...This is a test." He said dryly.

I blinked back, that was a new one. "How so?" I asked.

He held himself at attention. He actually looked quite impressive with the rows upon rows of the new castle's books in the background and his feathers preened to perfection. I'd seen better over the millennia, but still, not bad.

"Lady Philomena I assure you, I take my position at the princesses' side very seriously. I am not some poisonous social climber trying to curry favor with the nobility. I joined her before she even claimed a title. I have faced monsters and dark magic in her service, and I have done so not because she could put me in touch with powerful politicians and crimson feathered maidens as blindingly mysterious as the dawn, but because..." He struggled for the right words, "Because I know that in her service I can make a difference in the world by bringing order to her life." He concluded.

"And so long as you keep thinking like that," I replied, "You will be half the owl you could be."

He narrowed his eyes. "What are you talking about?"

I fluttered over to Twilight's desk and unrolled a few random scrolls. He'd been collecting them before I flew in. "Legal treatise, genealogy, economics..." I turned around. "Do you really think this is the best you can do?"

He flew over to the table and landed beside me, indignant. "Those scrolls were specifically requested by Princess Twilight. I flew to three separate booksellers to acquire them and carried them-"

I waved my wing dismissively. "Any hired librarian could do that." I brushed them aside with my talon and walked over to him. "Tell me, what do you think I do for Celestia?" I asked.

The owl stopped. His gaze flickered to his bookshelves for a moment as though he wished he'd had time to look up my life story. "I... I know that you have faithfully served Celestia since her childhood. I suppose you provide her with counsel and remind her of the lessons of the past-"

I sighed. "Ah to be young again."

"If anyone has that privilege it's you." He muttered.

I pretended I didn't hear that and continued. "Celestia doesn't need to be reminded of her past, she has overzealous historians and gargantuan stained glass windows for that. In fact, she gets reminded of her history so much that what she really needs is someone to jar her back into the present." I threw out my wings in a flourish. "That's where I come in."

The handsome owl remained skeptical. "As perhaps her oldest friend you are without a doubt one of the most enduring symbol of her past. How on earth could you act as her anchor to the present?"

I shrugged. "I admit it's not easy, but I've had a lot of practice! Plus it's not really that hard. All it takes is flair, a sense of humor... and a little dash of chaos."

Discord's claw appeared to my left and I gave him a bump before continuing. To Owlowiscious's credit, he barely batted an eye. Pinkie Pie had taught him well.

"Anywho," I continued. "I think you can see now why we should bang."

"What? No I don't!"

A thought occurred to me. "Wait a minute are you gay? Because if so, I know a guy who does a mean temporary sex change."

Discord's head popped into existence. "You rang Phil?"

I rolled my eyes. "Discy, I know you're excited, but could you give me a sec to confirm here?"

His expression fell. "Does that mean I can't talk you into a three way?"

"Eeeh..." I considered. "No, even if he's not straight, he's definitely straight laced. We don't want to stress him out."

"I'M NOT GAY!" Owlowiscious shrieked.

For a moment I was speechless. Mental note: Closet bisexual, consider further experiments. I turned back to Discord. "Discy I'm getting the sense that we're going to need a bit of space here, do you mind?"

The lord of chaos sighed. "Are we still on for Saturday?"

I nodded. "You bring the butter, I'll bring the luchador mask."

He smiled, "Deal," That said he floated out the window.

I turned back to Owlowiscious. "Where were we?"

The owl crossed his wings. "You were about to explain to me why we need to engage in coitus as part of a grandiose scheme to preserve our national security by annoying our monarch."

"Oh, right!" I fluttered over to a far bookshelf and edged out a Darring Doo novel. I winced. "Okay, that's even worse, what are these doing all the way over here?"

Owlowiscious landed next to me with a huff. "It's called the Dewey Decimal system. Why are you so Tatarus bent on criticizing my organization?"

I groaned. "Because you're making Twilight's life Boring!" I flung out my wing and pointed to the desk. "Look, what do you see there?"

He looked out at desk with its neatly stacked scrolls and ready supply of quills and paper. "The work desk of a monarch." he said.

"Where are her friends?"

He blinked. "Pardon?"

"Her friends, the ones she built this castle with, the ones who've helped her save the world a bunch of times and at the same time taught her how to live life to its fullest, remember them? Why doesn't she have a picture of them there?"

And right on cue, back came the indignance. "That was by her request! She didn't want any distractions while she was work...ing..." He paused.

"Starting to get it?" I began. "The most mindless office drone in a Canterlot mail room has a picture of their husband and kids on their desk. It doesn't mean they don't care about their job, it means they have a reason to keep doing it. You've known Twilight for a few years now, do you really think she's so easily distracted from her work that she needs to be put in a joyless isolation bubble in order to get things done?"

He blinked. "No..."

"Now do you see?" I asked.

Clearly he did. He paused for a moment, processing, then turned to me, completely controlled. "You've made some good points, I admit. I'll certainly have to re-consider the decorations, but that has nothing to do with us... um, having relations." he finished.

"Oh, that's to stop you from being part of the decorations." I said.

He tilted his head. "Excuse me?"

"Owlowiscious, you've built yourself up as this reliable worker and nothing more! It's obvious that Twilight respects you, but if you want to be a person to her, a friend to her, you're going to need more than that. Starting a relationship, even having a fling, will get the gears turning in her head. It will remind her that no matter how boring what she's working on is, there's someone with desires and a personality helping out with it."

"I know Twilight," He said, "It's more likely she'll just run herself ragged worrying about the implications."

I put a wing on his shoulder. "I understand you're worried about her, but even if something as little as that would make her freak out. Wouldn't it be better to get it out of her system while she's in her own home surrounded by friends than in the middle of some diplomatic mission?"

"I... I suppose that's a fair point." he said. He looked up at me. I could see the gears turning again, but there was something else there too... a little bit of awe.

He looked away, blushing again. "Hypothetically," he began, scratching awkwardly at the shelf with his foot. "If we did what you're suggesting... How would that..."

I leaned into him and nuzzled his cheek, then flew over to Twilight's desk and nestled into the scrolls. "You tell me..."

2: Celestia

My former student was practically racing down the halls. "And these are all the guest bedrooms... I'm wondering if that means the Tree of Harmony wants us to have foreign dignitaries over."

I nodded. Keeping up as best as I could. I suppose I wasn't 5000 any more... I forced myself back to the present. "All very impressive Twilight, but I meant to ask, did you need any more new books? I know the loss of the library was very hard for you."

Her expression fell a little. "I... I would appreciate it actually. We have been salvaging quite a bit though. Spike and Owlowiscious and I have been organizing them in my study right... here!"

She reached out with her magic and jiggled the doorknob for a moment, she frowned. "Hang on a second..." The aura around the doorknob flared brighter for a moment and I heard a click. I walked over, curious.

"Sorry about that," She said, "I guess Spike forgot to unlock the door after he left, Its one of those weird locks that doesn't come undone automatically... here we go!"

There was a second click and the door swung open.

We froze. For a moment, everything was absolutely still.

Then Twilight slammed the door shut. She spun around and leaned back against it, her face was a study.

"Twilight...?"

The purple alicorn sputtered, breathing heavilly. "Owlo...? Philo...? H-how am I ever going to look at the tax code again!?"

I smiled my most calming smile. "I'll have a talk with Philomena later. Why don't we get you some tea?"

She nodded blankly, and allowed me to lead her down to the kitchen. I admit, I did so with a bit of a spring in my step.

"You go girl..." I whispered.

"What?" Twilight asked.

"Nothing dear, I think I saw some chamomile in the pantry..."

END

Chapter 1: Theatrical Release (for contest)

How Philomena Seduced Owlowiscious

1: Philomena

"Want to have sex?" I asked.

Owlowiscious turned a delightful shade of crimson and nearly fell off his perch. "W-What?!"

I tilted my head playfully. He was so cute when he was flustered. I fluffed out my fiery feathers and gave him my best bedroom eyes. "You, me, beast with two backs, interested?"

Owls already had wide eyes, his were in the process of outgrowing his skull. "But- but Lady Philomena you're a royal advisor! And we met all of three minutes ago!"

"Your point being?"

"Well, I..." He blinked. "...This is a test." He said dryly.

I blinked back, that was a new one. "How so?" I asked.

He held himself at attention. He actually looked quite impressive with the rows upon rows of the new castle's books in the background and his feathers preened to perfection. I'd seen better over the millennia, but still, not bad.

"Lady Philomena I assure you, I take my position at the princess's side very seriously. I am not some poisonous social climber trying to curry favor with the nobility. I joined her before she even claimed a title. I have faced monsters and dark magic in her service, and I have done so not because she could put me in touch with powerful politicians and crimson feathered maidens as blindingly mysterious as the dawn, but because..." He struggled for the right words, "Because I know that in her service I can make a difference in the world by bringing order to her life." He concluded.

"And so long as you keep thinking like that," I replied, "You will be half the owl you could be."

He narrowed his eyes. "What are you talking about?"

I fluttered over to Twilight's desk and unrolled a few random scrolls. He'd been collecting them before I flew in. "Legal treatise, genealogy, economics..." I turned around. "Do you really think this is the best you can do?"

He flew over to the table and landed beside me, indignant. "Those scrolls were specifically requested by Princess Twilight. I flew to three separate booksellers to acquire them and carried them-"

I waved my wing dismissively. "Any hired librarian could do that." I brushed them aside with my talon and walked over to him. "Tell me, what do you think I do for Celestia?" I asked.

The owl stopped. His gaze flickered to his bookshelves for a moment as though he wished he'd had time to look up my life story. "I... I know that you have faithfully served Celestia since her childhood. I suppose you provide her with counsel and remind her of the lessons of the past-"

I sighed. "Ah to be young again."

"If anyone has that privilege it's you." He muttered.

I pretended I didn't hear that and continued. "Celestia doesn't need to be reminded of her past, she has overzealous historians and gargantuan stained glass windows for that. In fact, she gets reminded of her history so much that what she really needs is someone to jar her back into the present." I threw out my wings in a flourish. "That's where I come in."

The handsome owl remained skeptical. "As perhaps her oldest friend you are without a doubt one of the most enduring symbol of her past. How on earth could you act as her anchor to the present?"

I shrugged. "I admit it's not easy, but I've had a lot of practice! Plus it's not really that hard. All it takes is flair, a sense of humor... and a little dash of chaos."

Discord's claw appeared to my left and I gave him a bump before continuing. To Owlowiscious's credit, he barely batted an eye. Pinkie Pie had taught him well.

"Anywho," I continued. "I think you can see now why we should bang."

"What? No I don't!"

A thought occurred to me. "Wait a minute are you gay? Because if so, I know a guy who does a mean temporary sex change."

Discord's head popped into existence. "You rang Phil?"

I rolled my eyes. "Discy, I know you're excited, but could you give me a sec to confirm here?"

His expression fell. "Does that mean I can't talk you into a three way?"

"Eeeh..." I considered. "No, even if he's not straight, he's definitely straight laced. We don't want to stress him out."

"I'M NOT GAY!" Owlowiscious shrieked.

For a moment I was speechless. Mental note: Closet bisexual, consider further experiments. I turned back to Discord. "Discy I'm getting the sense that we're going to need a bit of space here, do you mind?"

The lord of chaos sighed. "Are we still on for Saturday?"

I nodded. "You bring the butter, I'll bring the luchador mask."

He smiled, "Deal," That said he floated out the window.

I turned back to Owlowiscious. "Where were we?"

The owl crossed his wings. "You were about to explain to me why we need to engage in coitus as part of a grandiose scheme to preserve our national security by annoying our monarch."

"Oh, right!" I fluttered over to a far bookshelf and edged out a Darring Doo novel. I winced. "Okay, that's even worse, what are these doing all the way over here?"

Owlowiscious landed next to me with a huff. "It's called the Dewey Decimal system. Why are you so Tatarus bent on criticizing my organization?"

I groaned. "Because you're making Twilight's life Boring!" I flung out my wing and pointed to the desk. "Look, what do you see there?"

He looked out at desk with its neatly stacked scrolls and ready supply of quills and paper. "The work desk of a monarch." he said.

"Where are her friends?"

He blinked. "Pardon?"

"Her friends, the ones she built this castle with, the ones who've helped her save the world a bunch of times and at the same time taught her how to live life to its fullest, remember them? Why doesn't she have a picture of them there?"

And right on cue, back came the indignance. "That was by her request! She didn't want any distractions while she was work...ing..." He paused.

"Starting to get it?" I began. "The most mindless office drone in a Canterlot mail room has a picture of their husband and kids on their desk. It doesn't mean they don't care about their job, it means they have a reason to keep doing it. You've known Twilight for a few years now, do you really think she's so easily distracted from her work that she needs to be put in a joyless isolation bubble in order to get things done?"

He blinked. "No..."

"Now do you see?" I asked.

Clearly he did. He paused for a moment, processing, then turned to me, completely controlled. "You've made some good points, I admit. I'll certainly have to re-consider the decorations, but that has nothing to do with us... um, having relations." he finished.

"Oh, that's to stop you from being part of the decorations." I said.

He tilted his head. "Excuse me?"

"Owlowiscious, you've built yourself up as this reliable worker and nothing more! It's obvious that Twilight respects you, but if you want to be a person to her, a friend to her, you're going to need more than that. Starting a relationship, even having a fling, will get the gears turning in her head. It will remind her that no matter how boring what she's working on is, there's someone with desires and a personality helping out with it."

"I know Twilight," He said, "It's more likely she'll just run herself ragged worrying about the implications."

I put a wing on his shoulder. "I understand you're worried about her, but even if something as little as that would make her freak out. Wouldn't it be better to get it out of her system while she's in her own home surrounded by friends than in the middle of some diplomatic mission?"

"I... I suppose that's a fair point." he said. He looked up at me. I could see the gears turning again, but there was something else there too... a little bit of awe.

He looked away, blushing again. "Hypothetically," he began, scratching awkwardly at the shelf with his foot. "If we did what you're suggesting... How would that..."

I leaned into him and nuzzled his cheek, then flew over to Twilight's desk and nestled into the scrolls. "You tell me..."

2: Spike

I put down the checklist. "Celestia? Are you alright?"

She blinked, and the glazed look left her eyes. "Sorry Spike, I was lost in thought for a moment, shall we catch up?"

She opened the hallway door and we found Twilight trying to organize a vase of wildflowers. She smiled when she saw us come in. "Next on our tour of the new castle we have the guest bedrooms. I think it's really cool that these are here because it implies that the tree of harmony wants us to have guests over. Maybe visiting dignitaries or cultural attachés they're a little empty right now, but Spike, Owlowiscious, and I have already set up a little library and study room in one of them!"

Celestia gave her a concerned look. "Twilight, I'd meant to ask, were you looking for more books for your new collection? I know your old one meant quite a lot to you... I actually have a few of your old books back in Canterlot if you'd like me to send them over."

Twilight's smile became a little stiff. "It's really alright Celestia. Most of those were just little kid's books... Besides, I've made a lot of progress collecting books from your old castle. Here, let me show you."

Celestia followed Twilight to her study. She fiddled with the knob for a moment and narrowed her eyes. "Spike, did you lock the door from the inside again?"

I held up my claws defensively. "I haven't even been in the library today!"

At least I didn't remember being in the library today... I tiptoed back a few steps, not that I was scared of Twilight or anything, but she had more trouble assigning me punitive chores when I was out of earshot.

Twilight sighed. "Nevermind..." Her horn glowed brighter. "Just jiggle the tumbler and... there!" The lock came undone with a soft click.

She swung the door open. "Feast your eyes on..." She froze. Celestia froze too. For a second the hallway was completely silent...

Worried, I jogged over to see what was wrong, but Twilight slammed the door shut and leaned back against it, shaking. There was a look of horror on her face.

Reaching her I grabbed her leg and shook. "Twilight what's wrong!"

She was babbling. "Philo... Owlo..." Her eyes bulged. "How am I ever going to read the tax code again!"

"*Snerk*"

I turned around to see Princess Celestia looking very, very amused.

She reached out a wing and patted me on the head. "Don't worry Spike," She said. "It's nothing to be concerned about. Why don't we postpone the tour and get Twilight some tea?" That said, she nuzzled Twilight to her hooves and started leading her away.

I considered ripping the door open to get some answers, but I was way more concerned about Twilight. I jogged after them. "What's going on!?" I cried.

"So... Many... Fluids..." Twilight droned.

Celestia giggled. "Don't worry Spike, I'll tell you when your eight hundred. *Snerk*."

The princess of the sun led Twilight to the kitchen, apparently without a care in the world. I have no Idea why, but I swear I heard her whisper "You go girl..."

END