Discord's Assistant

by midashguy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Flower Ponies, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 999

Discord gets a sidekick, shenanigans ensue

Discord suddenly has a protégé of sorts. If only his new student wasn't already a master of the chaotic arts....

Published 2014-08-13 02:20:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-13 02:20:05 UTC

...More of a Sidekick Really.

Author's Note

This Fic is a product of lack of sleep and boredom. Forgive me if it gives you mental trauma.

Logic not required.

I'd like to thank the internet, the academy, and Ice Cold Water Guy from Bronycon, as well a State Farms guy, Steve from Accounting, and of course Morgan Freeman.

To be or not to be has never been a problem for Schrödinger's Cat.

-Midashguy

...More of a Sidekick Really.

Discord watched with both wonder and disinterest as a psychotic human chased a group of ponies through the streets of Ponyville with a muffler stuck on his arm, laughing like the mad man he was.

"I. Am. Muffler Man! Ahahahaha!"

Three days ago, Discord would have loved to have a minion so dedicated to spreading chaos. Three days ago he showed up, and Discord was delighted. That delight lasted eleven minutes and went downhill from there.

The human popped up from seemingly nowhere. "So what we gonna do next, huh? Fly a rowboat to Canterlot? Go sledding in Appleoosa? Moonwalk on the Sun?" He questioned, gibbering at an incredibly fast rate. Discord only sighed in response.

"We already flew a rowboat here, we went surfing in the Crystal Empire, and if we tried to walk on the sun we would burn up and even I don't have the power to stop that." Discord deadpanned.

"Well maybe we can put on T-shirts that say 'Life' and hand out Oranges." He smiled devilishly as dramatic Lightning stuck behind him. "They can't make lemonade then! Muhahahaha!"

"I...what?" Even Discord, Lord of Chaos and Master of Disharmony, couldn't keep up with his randomness.
"Ooh! Something shiny!" The human shouted before darting off, leaving a face palming Draconequus in his utterly random wake.
"Put me back in the statue...please jut make it stop." He wailed.

Suddenly the former Elements of Harmony appeared in an attempt to intervene. They did not seem to enjoy how Discord's sidekick was harassing ponies.

"Discord! Call him off. We have had no less then a dozen complaints." Twilight ordered.
"It's not like I have any control over him." Discord scoffed. "Why does he have to be my problem? It's just his voice is so annoying! Like a billion Pinkie Pie's talking at once!"
"Hey!" Apparently Pinkie took offence to that.
"Discord! You can't just leave him with us!" Twilight protested.

An explosion could be heard, and the human was seen sailing though the air.

"I have become a seagull! Bow before me mortals and present your offerings of French Fries! Caw CAW" He commanded flapping his arms. How he was still airborne was a mystery.

"I thought I was crazy, but he's about as bright as a wet match in a dark cave." Pinkie Pie said with a straight face.
"Why are Pinkie and Discord acting so...calm? It's like he's leaching their....weirdness." Rarity commented.
The human, unusually calm, approached Applejack.
"I..er... howdy?" She greeted with a sheepish smile.
"Not now talking horse thing! My planet needs me! Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! Gooooo Planet!" He hollered abruptly, and began to ascend into the sky.
"It's like the dark side of the internet got stuck in a blender." Pinkie Pie sighed.
"I..what?" Rainbow Dash wondered.

In fact at this point everypony was incredibly confused. Deciding his planet did not truly need him, Mr. Human used this opportunity to impress his boss while everypony was confused. He shuffled over to Discord and presented him with a pastry.

"I baked you a pie!"
"Oh boy what Flavo- Gah!" Discord asked before being suddenly cut off as Pinkie Pie tackled him to the ground.
"Hit the dirt!" She shouted. Everypony had just enough time to duck before the pie erupted into smaller pies which proceeded to explode, leaving a smiling and scorched human standing in a small crater.

"Did I win?"

Two Hours Later...

"Please Celestia make him stop!" Fluttershy cried.

"You can't handle the truth!" He yelled, running away. Discord noticed this and was rather concerned.

"No! don't let him leave! It only gets worse while he's not nearby!" He exclaimed.

Far too late...

Sugarcube Corner exploded in a rainbow of color while the human was flung yet again through the air like a ragdoll.

"Rainbow Nuke!" He sang out while sailing overhead. "Now I'm free! Free falling!"

"But...but." Pinkie could only sputter. "My job! My house!"

"Good thing the Cakes were out of town." Applejack whispered solemnly.

"I don't think we had insurance!" Pinkie cried. The human approached her and attempted to comfort her.

"There there, I doubt there's such a thing as rainbow nuclear insurance." He said calmly, gently patting her on the back.

"But...but.." She wailed. The human reached into his pocket and appeared to pull out nothing, but began rubbing his index and thumb together. Much to everypony's surprise, sad violin music began to play. Finally Pinkie Pie broken down in tears.

"It's not fair! It was ok when Twilight's library got wrecked, but why did it happen to me?" She sobbed.

"Maybe now you'll get to be a princess too?" Discord offered. Pinkie shot him a glare and he backed off.

"If all it took to become royalty was property damage, I'd be Supreme Commander of the Universe by now." The human added.

"Let's just leave him, maybe he'll go bother somepony else." Rainbow Dash recommended.

"Agreed." Discord muttered leading the group away.

They bumped into the bipedal menace not a half a minute later.

"Ice cold water! Only one dollar! Ice cold water! Only one- oh, hey guys!" He waved. Somehow, in the course of a few seconds, the human had set up a multibillion bit bottled water tycoon. Ads for his drink were plastered everywhere and nearby ponies sat at a café chatting over bottles of the ice cold refreshing goodness.

"I....how.....what?" Twilight sputtered.

"Impossible! I can't even pull something like this!" Discord shouted.

"Which is why I'm the master and your the apprentice." The human replied sagely.

"Master..."