The Why of Pie

by Blank Slate

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Adventure, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 20669

Pinkie tries to become a martial arts/baking master with Twilight while the others make a huge bet.

Pinkie Pie, the peerless party pony we know and love, has always perplexed Twilight Sparkle, who finally can study Pinkie after her mentor arrives in Ponyville to retrieve her. Between the years of rock farming and her new life as a party planner, Pinkie was a martial artist, a brilliant disciple in the nuttiest and most powerful form of hoof-to-hoof combat, Shugakain. The time has come to recieve her final training, and she must spend three months on the poorest part of Equestria to train, kept company only by an overanalyzing Twilight and Spike, who seems to be losing his mind. As well as documenting her friend's tribulations, Twilight tries to piece together the broken memories Pinkie reveals as she sleeps.

Back home, madness strikes Ponyville. The remaining four Elements of Harmony enter a 2500 bit bet: whoever can go two months with their life turned upside down wins a fortune. And so it comes to pass that Rainbow Dash goes to college, Applejack becomes a romance writer, Rarity plays dress-up as a birthday party clown, and poor Fluttershy enters the ring as an amateur buckboxer... Will their friendship keep them bound together, or will a year's worth of tax free money be enough to split the four friends apart? What secrets lie buried in Pinkie's mind? And what happens when Twilight is finally proven right on a problem settled long ago?

Published 2012-04-17 03:44:11 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-23 00:55:31 UTC

The Return of Master Roundhouse

The Why of Pie, Chapter One: The Return of Master Roundhouse
I do not own any character in this story excluding Roundhouse. All other characters are owned by Hasbro and, I presume, Lauren Faust. Give them the credit. Cover art was obtained via Google Images. To whomever drew it, I apologize for using it sans permission, but just look at it. How could I not? If somepony knows the creator of it, please let me credit them!

Bounding through the kitchens of Sugarcube Corner as she was, it took Pinkie Pie violently by surprise when her entire body began trembling against her will. She immediately fell to the hard wooden floor, dirtying her coat and eliciting giggles from the two foals she was supervising. She quickly righted herself, waving a hoof in front of her mouth.
"Pound, Pumpkin, shhh! Something important's happening!"

She stood on the tips of her hooves, pointing her ear to the centre of town. Nothing could be detected, but her Pinkie Sense was never wrong. She had somepony to speak to, but little enough time to do it if she wanted to discover the source of her twitch. Sighing, she scooped up the foals and set them in her frizzy, curly tail. "Okay, you two, we need to move quickly! So, um, Pinkie Promise me you won't tell anypony what you're about to see, okay?"

The twins just babbled, which Pinkie accepted as a promise before opening the pantry. Inside, she found what she needed: a small chocolate cake the client never came to reclaim. Pinkie devoured it noisily and focused intently, muttering to herself. "Mmkay, Pinkie, just like before... focus, breathe... summon the energy..." Her body began to glow with unnatural light as the sugar hit her stomach. With a deep breath and a loud sound similar to a party noisemaker, she was gone.

* * * * *

"Ugh, Twilight! Pancakes aren't even difficult! How'd you even make a mess this big?" From his position on the stairs, Spike the dragon had a full view of the carnage. Pancake batter oozed down walls, puddled on flat surfaces, even fell from the ceiling above the skillet Twilight Sparkle was magically using to cook with. Blushing, she turned to her assistant. "Sorry, Spike, I just wanted to see if I could cook."
"Why's that?"
"Because, I'm the only pony who can't! Applejack makes all those treats, Fluttershy has all those woodland soups and stews, Rarity can make so many fancy foreign foods, hay, even Rainbow made those tacos for us!"

They both flashed back to the celebration of their third year in Ponyville, and the five course meal their friends put on for them. Fluttershy started with a simple sweet porridge of oats, fruits, and the petals of various wildflowers. Next came Rarity's dish, a tray of yellow triangles with cheese and mushrooms leaking delectably from the sides. The omelets, as Twilight found they were called, were delightful. Pinkie came next with a tray of lumpy bread-y masses. These she sloshed with a strawberry sauce and covered in cream, to the satisfaction of everypony. Applejack's course was, needless to say, apples, fire roasted and gorged with cinammon and sugar. Finally, Rainbow brought in a tray of seven U-shaped objects, each one of the seven colours of the rainbow. She piled beans, lettuce, some crumbly brown bits, and cheese into them, dispensing each friend a fitting colour.

Aided by Rarity's magic, the red shell flew to Pinkie, the orange to Applejack, yellow to Fluttershy, and green to Spike. The blue and indigo stayed with the servers, and finally the purple shell floated over to the guest of honour. Twilight levitated it to her waiting mouth, and everypony bit in eagerly.

Two seconds later, Fluttershy had Rainbow Dash pinned to a wall by the neck, her wings spread out in fury. Fluttershy pulled up the yellow taco, lifting the cheese from it and displaying the contents. Her eyes were blazing as she shrieked every syllable into Rainbow's face. "BEEF!? You would dare hurt a sweet little cow for food!?" Fat tears came quickly to her eyes and she let Rainbow fall to the floor. Once breathing and the power of speech returned to the throttled pegasus, she spoke up. "No way, Fluttershy! I'm vegetarian too, remember? It's synthetic, made from some plant called soy. It matches anything for flavour if you cook it right, so I went with traditional Marexican food, vegan style. I wouldn't kill a cow just for taco filling."

There was a big sappy apology afterward, and the memory concluded. Twilight snapped out of her daydream to find a fresh plate of scrumptious looking pancakes in front of her. Spike had smelled the smoke during the flashback and broke off early, extinguishing the burning skillet and using the last of the batter to feed her. He shook his ladle at her reprimandingly. "Twilight you can't cook because you're not trained. Rainbow learned from her mother. Fluttershy learned from what the rabbits eat. Applejack from Granny Smith, and Rarity probably learned from a big fancy book. Pinkie probably learned from the Cakes. Considering she's the best we know, you oughta learn from her. Now, you go ask her after brekkie, and I'll clean up here, okay?" The lavender unicorn rolled her eyes and giggled. "Yes, Mother."

The library door busted inwards at a strike from Pinkie's back hooves. Spike leapt backwards and screamed, incinerating Twilight's breakfast. She turned and made clear her annoyance to the festive pink blur. "Pinkie! Can't you knock? Because of you, I just lost my breakfast!" Pinkie's smile fell and she mumbled a quick apology. Twilight shook her head at her friend. "Sorry I snapped, I'm just hungry. Now, what's got you so excited?"
"Remember when I explained my Pinkie Sense and you didn't believe me and we went to the swamp and then I kept shaking and that hydra was all 'RAWR!' And y-"
"Pinkie, pause once in a while! You'll collapse if you don't breathe sometime!"

The party pony slowed her breathing, calming herself. "Okay. Remember when I explained my Pinkie Sense to you?"
"Yes, I do."
"And I kept shuddering because something totally unexpected was gonna happen?"
"Yeah."

The sugar in Pinkie's bloodstream thwarted her efforts to remain calm.
"It's happening again! Something nopony expected is gonna happen and I bet it's just going to be huge! Ooh, ooh, what do you think it'll be, Twilight? Huh? Huh?"
Twilight sighed and set a hoof on Pinkie's lips, silencing her.
"Pinkie, I'm really sorry, but I'm just in no mood for this kind of noise. I've been needing more and more sleep, and been waking up all groggy."

Pinkie's bouncing subsided as she playfully poked her friend in the ribs. "I think it may have somethin' to do with this, silly!"
"With what?"

Pinkie poked her again with a hoof, noting the way her coat and flesh moved. "Your stomach, what else?"
Twilight blushed and reflexively sucked in her stomach.
"What about it?"
"Um, not to be rude Twilight, but you live in your library, always reading or sleeping. You never go out and play in the sunshine, and frankly, you seem to eat all the things I bake... You're puttin' on some pounds, Twilight!"

The unicorn's mane and tail burst into flames at this comment. She brought her face as close to Pinkie's as she could. "I. AM. NOT!!"
Spike, his nerves now restored, stepped between them before somepony evaporated somepony else. "Girls, lemme settle this. Twilight, you've gone up three saddle sizes since we moved here, and at your age, you shouldn't be growing anymore. She's right. Pinkie, the Cake twins are stuck in your tail, and they look too scared to cry about it."

The foals in question were trembling in the poofy magenta fluff, their eyes filled with tears they couldn't shed. Pinkie straightened her tail, sliding the twins onto the grass. She giggled nervously. "Uh, sorry guys..." Spike lifted up Pumpkin Cake, inspecting her for damage.
"Pinkie, what did you do to terrify them?"
"I shivered because of my Pinkie Sense while they were riding on me. I think that frightened them."
Spike turned to Twilight. "Twi, wanna help me ou- Oh..."
Twilight was on her stomach, bawling loudly. Tears fountained from her lidded eyes as she prodded her stomach. "It's so true! I am fat!" Spike scratched his spines. "Uh, not really, Twi. You're just sorta... heavier... just exercise a bit and maybe stop eating sweets for every meal, alright? You'll slim down in seconds. And if you don't wanna do that, well, since when do you care what others think of you? I mean, you were the shut-in queen back in Canterlot..."

The sobbing mare began slamming her hooves on the ground, practically shouting. "But-but, that was different! That wasn't how I looked, just h-how I acted! Baaaaahaaaaa!"
Spike had had enough. He approached her face, grabbing her by the cheeks. "Twilight! Get a grip! It's not that bad being a bit, well, chubby. I mean, look at me! Think I mind?" Pinkie noticed she had no place in this conversation, and quietly trotted away before the tears returned, leaving the crying librarian to her assistant. "Th-that's different! You're just a baby dragon, I'm fully grown! I have n-no form to fill into, no more growing to do! I'm just fat!"
"Oh, come oooonnnn! Even Rarity doesn't whine like this! You know what? I'm just gonna go grab you a healthy breakfast so you can cheer up, alright?"

He went into their upstairs cubby of a room, reaching under her pillow. He found his prize, a heavy cloth pouch bulging at all ends. He took a clawful of golden coins from the pouch before retying it and returning it to its hiding place. Stuffing the money into small pockets of flesh he had, he called back to the depressed unicorn. "I'm heading to the market, and I'm borrowing twenty bits! Be back soon, okay?"
"Mmhmff." Was Twilight's only response with her face pressed into the tear-sodden ground. Spike shook his head. "Sometimes, I wonder who's the mature one in this library..." He hopped out the window and headed towards the town square.

* * * * *
Setting the foals down in their appropriate cribs, Pinkie Pie had time to think. The first question was, naturally, whether or not the twins could stay in bed for even an hour. The next thought regarded Twilight's over-reaction to her weight. Pshaw! I bet I could get her weight down twenty percent in ten seconds flat!

Out on a cloud, napping, Rainbow Dash felt a disturbance.

All she needs is a sport to play! Umm, what do you think, Sporty Pie?
A copy of Pinkie Pie appeared in her head, dressed in a green jersey with cleated horseshoes. Her voice was a deeper growl than Pinkie's airheaded voice, and it cut her points cleanly. "Simple! We teach her hockey!"
"But, you're wearing a hoofball jersey..."
"And that has to do with what!? We will teach that girl to skate whether she wants to or not!"
Brainy Pie, the manifestation of Pinkie's higher thoughts, cut in to the conversation, adjusting her glasses as she spoke. "She's a magical unicorn, what can we teach her that she couldn't cheat at?"

Sporty Pie was at a loss for words. She called out to the other emotions to help back her up.
"Something with teamwork!" chimed Friendly Pie.
"Something more aerobic, she needs to lose weight, not build muscle!" called Party Pie.
"Does it matter? The girl can't play..." declared Gloomy Pie.
"Umm... Let's teach her to fly!" offered Spacey Pie.
"Let her eat cake!" boomed the tremendously overweight Sweetie Pie.
"Idunnosomethingfastmakehergozoomzoomzoomallovereverywhere!" was Twitchy Pie's suggestion.

Eventually, all her thought processes began a debate in her head. Pinkie Pie shrieked at the top of her lungs, "QUIEEEEET!! I can't think with all these thoughts in my head! Oh, forget it! Mr. and Mrs. Cake? I'm going out for a break, is that alright?" The two chefs ran into the nursery, cradling the crying foals. Carrot Cake gave Pinkie a glare, speaking with all the annoyance he could muster. "Yes, yes! If it'll get the twins asleep, please do!" Embarrased, Pinkie Pie grabbed her saddlebag from a hook and opened it. Inside was her so called "Traveler's Treat," A sticky pastry loaded with honey and all manner of sweets. She tore the corner from it with her mouth, absorbing the sugar. Once she had finished, she snuck behind the bakery and began to draw on the sugar she had consumed.

* * * * *

"And you're telling me you're charging eight bits for this!? It was three bits last month!"
Spike glared up at the salespony, eyes slit icily. The stallion behind the wooden stall was sweating and his voice was trembling. "I-I'm sorry, but th-the farmers recently d-demanded wage hikes! I need t-to charge more to make any m-money!"
Grumbling, Spike doled out the coins, taking his purchase with as much vehemence as he could. Like all dragons, he was a naturally greedy creature, and being charged a good 166% extra didn't settle well with him. In his anger, his small, scaly anger, he narrowly avoided crashing into Pinkie Pie.
"Gah! H-How did you get here so fast? Sugarcube Corner's down six streets from here!"
She leant a hoof to him, setting him back up on his back legs.
"Silly, I walked! I guess I'm just fast like that!"
"...I'll just go with that. Now, you're a good chef, right?"
"I like to think so!"
"Okay, good. Whaddya think Twilight would like that's healthy?"

Pinkie Pie broke her constant absentminded thought stream, surprising the young dragon with a perfectly lucid explanation.
"Really, Spike? You're asking me, the baker's assistant, the pony whose entire room is literally coated in sugar, the pony who eats her body weight in sweets every day... you're asking me on dieting tips?"
He blinked twice, opened his mouth to speak, and promptly closed it. He elected to ignore the sudden logical outburst.
"Well, yeah. You're a good cook, and I've never seen you gain an ounce. What's your secret, Pinkie Pie?"

In the crowded marketplace, an old, grizzled stallion's ear perked up at Spike's words. Meandering through the crowd, he made his way to the duo. "Pinkie Pie?" She smiled widely, shaking his cloaked hoof happily. "Yes? Are you new in town? Ooh! Lemme make you a welcome party!"
The stallion chuckled, pulling back the hood on his cloak. A disheveled orange mane spilled down, neatly encircling the pale amber eyes and framing his yellow fur. A mischievous twinkle arose in them. "You've not changed a bit, but am I really so old that you didn't recognize me?"

Pinkie Pie gasped, immediately throwing herself to the ground in a slapdash bow. "Ohmigosh! I am so sorry, Master! I-I didn't know you were coming! Umm, umm, should I get you some food? A seat? Oh, this is so unexpected..."
To Spike's further bemusement, the old one laughed. "Relax, Pinkie, it's fine. You know I don't care much for the whole mystical, respect-your-elders schtick, so please don't go bowing and scraping to me, okay? I'm still the same pony, just a bit older and a lot lazier."
"Uh, Pinkie, who is this old guy? Ow!"

She pulled her hoof away from his head, ready to thump him again. "Spike! He's no plain old guy, he's the best old guy! Show some respect!" Not wanting another smack, he dutifully bowed and rose. "Okay, okay, I did it. So, really now, who is he?" Pinkie's eyes lit up with admiration as she gushed. "He's simply the greatest martial artist who ever lived! Grand Master Roundhouse, the best of the best of the best! You wouldn't believe what he's capable of! He can gallop on water, kick through walls, do flips and things... he even taught me how to use my Pinkie Sense!"

"Wait, wait... you told us you don't know why you get your twitches."
"And I don't! I can use my Sense whenever I want, but the twitches are totally new to it. Master Roundhouse here says none of the other students he's trained get twitches when they attempt it. He also said I'm the only pony who ever mastered it, so he named it after me!" Pinkie's smile was almost literally from ear to ear, and Spike was sure she'd hurt something if he didn't stop her. He turned to the aged stallion, cocking the spot where an eyebrow would be if he could grow them.

"So, you're a psychic like her?"
Roundhouse laughed politely, giving Spike a hoofed noogie. "No, no, we're not psychic. We get our abilities through hard work and training. And such training she did! Pinkie Pie here was my greatest student before she had to leave. And now that I've found her, I have a present for her!"
He raised his cloak and pulled something from a saddlebag, waving it in front of her. It was a small file of papers, stapled together very clumsily.

"Pinkie, inside this you'll find three tickets for the ship to Neighppon, your records, and your certification of Masterhood. Now that you've terminated your five years of meditation, I'm inviting you back to Neighppon for the final training. As you can see here," he rapped a hoof on the unsigned certificate, "You're still technically not a Master yet, I still need to sign this. You'll get my signature at the end of three months of training with me."

Pinkie Pie looked crestfallen. "Three whole months? A fourth of a year, away from Ponyville? But, what about my friends? My job?" Roundhouse shook his head, displaying an almost identical personality to her own. "Silly! I gave you three tickets- you can invite two friends to come with you, as guests or as disciples. Three months of training oughta be enough time to whip anypony into shape!" Pinkie and Spike glanced at each other.

* * * * *

"Nonononono! I am not going!" Twilight had her hooves dug deep into the ground, easily resisting the small dragon's shoves. "Twilight, you need to slim down, and Pinkie's teacher seems to know what to do. I mean, look at the guy!" Roundhouse waved from his position at the side of the library door. Underneath the cloak, steel cord-like muscles rippled, although he wore a goofy grin. Twilight was nonplussed. "Spike, I'm going to be stuck with two Pinkie Pies for three months! Without any company, I'll go insane!"
"I know, Twilight, that's why I'm coming too!"
"But, Spike, who'll watch over the library?"
A drumroll sounded from nowhere and three fillies leapt dramatically from behind the door. "Cutie Mark Crusader Librarians!"

Twilight smacked herself in the face with a hoof, but in the absence of anypony more skilled, she relented. She turned to Pinkie Pie. "So, you're sure this'll get all this off of me?" She poked her furry stomach unhappily. "Yuh-huh! I promise! I train everyday for my exercise, and have I changed a bit since we met?"
"Well, no..."
"See? I can guarantee you'll lose that jiggle if you wark hard- cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!"
"If you're so sure... Alright, we'll go. Spike, write up four letters, one to each of the girls besides us. Have them meet us in the library tomorrow morning. Mr. Roundhouse?"

The yellow stallion trotted over. "Yes?"
"Do you need a place to stay for the night?"
"Thanks, but these bones are used to hard surfaces. There's a great little rock garden not far from here, and there's just the comfiest granite there!" His basso profundo voice was entirely wrong for his personality, and downright terrified Twilight when he chuckled. "Er, right... Okay, Spike, let's go break the news!"

* * * * *

The seven friends were seated on a big circular couch at the Spa Sisters' establishment, with Roundhouse off to the side. A strong Earth pony mare was the first to speak up. "Fer three whole months!? Twi, there's more stay-at-home ways of droppin' that droop."
"Applejack, this is more than me just getting fit. If what Master Roundhouse said is true, I'll finally be able to explain Pinkie Pie!"
The fashionista spoke up next, distracted somewhat by Aloe and Lotus hovering around their number one client. "Be that as it may, Applejack- oh, yes please! My hooves are just slaying me right now! Er, be that as it may, I think Twilight should go! She simply must see all of Neighppon for me; I've heard it's simply breathtaking!" Rarity swooned for show and fell back against the plush sofa. Next was Fluttershy. "Um, Twilight? I'm fine with you wanting to lose some weight, but, um... does it have to be in martial arts? You don't even need to fight when you have your magic..." Roundhouse shook his head, bouncing in Pinkie's style and shaking the other seven. "Oh no she doesn't!"

Quicker than even Rainbow Dash could comprehend, Roundhouse pricked fourteen points across Twilight's back and neck. She twitched, shuddering uncomfortably. "What was that!? I-I can't feel my horn!"
"Simple: I paralyzed it. When we go, you'll have to do it all by hoof- the only magic will be little Spike here sending letters for you."
"Oh, you have got to teach me to do that!" Rainbow beamed. Roundhouse shook his head. "Sorry little filly, that took me forty years to learn. I doubt you wanna spend four decades of your life learning to stun one unicorn." She looked down, slightly embarassed at how eager she had been. "Right... Well, I'll find some way of doing it, I'm sure!" Fluttershy prodded her gently. "Rainbow, I don't think it's a good idea... When are you going to be fighting unicorns?"
"Shucks, she doesn't need any fancy old style o' learnin'! She just needs ta learn how we tussle back home!"
"Teach her if you must, Applejack, but please, not in the spa! You'll ruin my reputation as the perfect client!"

Spike and Pinkie turned to each other once more, both nodding simultaneously. Spike produced a small box, beams of light escaping from the clasp. Pinkie raised a hoof for silence. "Girls, this is sweet to get such a nice send-off, even though we hardly talked about it, so I decided you'll need something to keep you busy with while you can't party. Spike?"
He undid the small lock on the bock and opened it.

Inside was a masterfully carved row of gold tablets, each the size of an ordinary playing card. "I always pay rent ahead, but since I'll be gone, the Cakes returned my rent money for the next three months, and I had it melted down into these. Each one is worth six-hundred and twenty-five bits, for a total 2500 bits." Everypony beyond Roundhouse gasped. Nopony knew she had that kind of money. "Now, I'm setting up a contest, and the prize is this box and its contents. To compete, you each have to spend two months in the craziest way you ever have before! Twilight can't enter, because she's coming with us, so I've decided- If one of you wins, you get the whole thing! Two, you each get half of it. Three, you each get one piece of the gold and the fourth you'll donate. If everypony makes it to day sixty of the contest, you each can have a piece. The Cakes will preside over the judging.

"Now, as I said, you'll have to live your lives totally backwards, in the most hilarious ways I could think of." Her serious speech was slowly dissolving into infectious laughter. "Heehee! Rarity, you have to be a clown!" Rarity collapsed. "Rainbow Dash, you've just been accepted to law school!" The athlete's jaw dropped silently. "AJ, you have to be- this was Twilight's idea- a writer! And your subject is... romance!" Applejack kicked a hole through the bottom of the couch. "And Fluttershy, well..." She slapped a mouthguard into the timid pegasus' open jaws. "You're now an amatuer buckboxer!"

The four on the couch looked from one to the other, petrified. Spike and Pinkie laughed. "Hahaha! Oh, wow, you think I'm kidding, right? Hahaha!" Applejack was the first to speak, having the strongest will. "Are you tellin' me that Ah hafta start writin' all those sappy novels that Twi's got sittin' around in the library beside her bed?" Twilight's blush was almost audible. "Really, Pinkie? Aw, yer really makin' me work this time, huh?" The party pony simply nodded.

"Law school!? Are you insane? I can't even win a game of horseshoes; how am I gonna become the next big-name lawyer?" Pinkie's giggle, to her, was downright menacing. "Heehee, I dunno, but if it works, that gold there's gonna be peanuts compared to what you'll earn! Think of it, Dashie: Lawyers. Make. Millions."

"A clown, Pinkie Pie? A CLOWN!? Will I be allowed to be fabulous, like the jesters from the days of the Royal Court of Canterlot?" Pinkie's response was to smack a red ball onto the white mare's nose, leaning closely and whispering in the most terrifying way imaginable to the fashionista, "Honk honk!"

Fluttershy seemed to be getting sucked into the couch as she nestled deeper and deeper into it. Her response was muffled by all the soft padding, hardly rising beyond the faintest of whispers. "But, Pinkie... I can't fight. I'm a pacifist..."
"Relax, Fluttershy! Nopony really gets hurt in buckboxing!"
"Uh, hate to break it to ya, Pinkie, but..."
Rainbow Dash flew over slowly, whispering in Pinkie's ear. Pinkie was nearly sick after listening to what she said. "Uggh, Rainbow! That's horrible! Did that actually happen? ...Did they ever find her wing?" Upon hearing this, Fluttershy withdrew further into the fluffy couch, now just the tip of her mane visible.

"Alright girls, do you agree to these terms? No entry means no prize money!" Rarity thought for a brief moment. "Well... that kind of money would get me some new fabrics... I'm in, but on no condition will I dye my mane and tail." Pinkie nodded and spoke to the next pony. "Rainbow, what do you say?" "I may not be an egghead like Twilight, but what the heck? With that money, I could get season tickets to the Wonderbolts! I'm in!"
"AJ?"
"Shoot... we do need that money, and this year's harvest is lookin' mighty thin... Oh, fine, Ah'm in."
"Yay! Three ponies means this'll be a good race! And Flutters?"
"Mmmf."
"Uh, come again?"
The animal lover poked out of the sofa, trembling. "I guess I could buy a lot of new homes for all the critters... I-I'll do it, but I'm quitting the second somepony gets hurt..."

The five friends met hooves in a circle and bound their agreement. "Alright girls, starting the day we leave, the contest is on!"

* * * * *

The foghorn blew again, nearly deafening everypony on the top deck. Twilight grimaced and leant over the rail to her friends. "G'bye, everypony! Take care! I'll have Spike send you reports on how everything goes, alright?" The five mares on land, well beyond her voice's range, merely waved as the ship's mooring slipped and it slowly set sail. On the top deck, Roundhouse, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and Spike all waved goodbyes to Ponyville. Pinkie sobbed and let fly a single balloon, this one with each of their cutie marks stamped upon it (with a burning quill added for Spike.) The small latex sphere floated up and up, rising from all visible sight into the upper atmosphere. Pinkie brushed a tear away and strode into the cabin. She hated long goodbyes, even if they were for short journeys. The distance may have been thousands of miles, but she still felt her friends as if they were close by. She looked up out of the hatch in the ceiling, noting the lightly clouded skies.

"Three months with no AJ, no Rarity, no Dashie, no Flutters... Master Roundhouse knows best, I guess." She returned to the deck and smiled a huge smile, beaming out to the port they had just left. "Goodbye, Ponyville! Next stop: Neighppon!"

Punches and Kicks and Party Pony Tricks

The Why of Pie, Chapter Two: Punches and Kicks and Party Pony Tricks.
Note: I do not own MLP: FiM and neither do I own the characters in this story, excluding Rhubarb Pie, Lemon Pie, Sea Star and Roundhouse. Furthermore, I do not own the cover art. All properties beyond the characters listed above are owned by their respective owners, obviously. All used sans permission, but I'd gladly give credit where due: Thank you, Hasbro and Lauren Faust!

[NOTE: This is just a next-scene-setter, with some humour thrown in to appease y'all.]

The wooden dock creaked, salty air blew through the manes of four ponies, and not a word was said for a few minutes. Rainbow Dash spoke up first. "...Wow... Three months with no Twilight or Pinkie Pie? I'm happy they get to go train with that Roundhouse guy, but just... Wow..."
"I know, I just realized it... It'll be fall before they come back!"
"Well then, I'll just have to make them some autumn-toned dresses for when they arrive, no?"
"Hold yer horses, Rarity. We gotta start Pinkie's little games first."

A trio of groans met Applejack in response. She shook her head and waved across the view of the ocean. "Ah know, girls, it doesn't sound like much fun, but look at it this way: While those two are off trainin' an' whatnot, we'll have a chance to see what it's like, livin' the other way around. Ah mean, Rarity, yer always preenin' and primmin' yourself up; why not take a chance to really let loose an' liven things up a bit?"
"I suppose living the fabulous life does get a bit, ehh... dull after a while. If I agree to do this, can we promise never to speak of it again?"
"Sure thing. Now, Fluttershy, you always talk about wantin' to be more assertive, right? So why not get in that ring and kick some flank? Why not show 'em that you'll take no foolin' from nopony? Rainbow Dash, can you honestly tell me you don't wanna at least try? You don't hafta like it, but stick with it and you'll get that ticket money you wanted."
The pegasi turned to each other. Neither could think of a good way to refute this.
"Well... Alright, AJ, you've got me convinced. I may as well go pack my things for law school... blegh..."
"I-I want to be assertive, not agressive!"
"Then grab this bull by the horns and assert that it won't aggravate you or nothin'!"
"Okay, I'll do it... Just don't expect me to win, okay?"
The farmer mare just extended a hoof to bump. "I doubted you'd have it any other way."

Rarity took the leading role after Applejack's speech. "Alright then, everypony, we should get going to prepare for our new lives. We'll have to meet at Sugarcube Corner so the Cakes can start our two months. Rainbow, come with me so I can make you a suit."
"I don't need a suit, Rarity, I'll be fine as I am."
"Oh, please tell me you're joking! You can't present a case in court wearing nothing but your birthday coat! Come with me now, that's an order. At the very least, it will be free, so no complaining!"

Rainbow began glowing a rich blue as she was levitated behind Rarity, struggling all the while to escape the magical grip. "Oh, come on! Lemme go!" The unwilling captive was magically dragged behind the dressmaker as she made her way to the boutique she called home. "Mmm... definitely something earthy... Rainbow, would you prefer corporate style, or a more casual look? Oh, forget it! I have an idea!"

Chuckling, Applejack watched them depart before bringing attention back to Fluttershy. "So, uh, y'all gonna head home and get some workout clothes?"
"All I have is aerobic outfits..."
"That'll do fine. Horsepower's gym will supply all the paddin' and such."
"Applejack, can I be honest with you?"
"Shoot, 'course you can!"
"O-Okay... I'm thinking about taking a dive..."

Applejack trotted to her side, looking the timid pegasus in the eyes. "Now, don't you tell me none of that. Even if you don't want or need the money, you should at least be willin' ta give this a shot."
"But I'm a pacifist... I already said this before..."
"Fluttershy, just think of it like this: Yer not tryin' ta hurt anypony, right?"
"No, of course not!"
"Right, then try to keep them safe while winnin'! There's more ways of sendin' a letter than burnin' it with a dragon."

They laughed briefly at the small joke before an awkward silence fell. "So, uh, Fluttershy?"
"Yes?"
"How exactly do ya start writin' a book?"

* * * * *

Twilight and Spike sat outside a chalk ring drawn on the massive deck of the ship, avidly waiting for the upcoming duel. Inside the ring, Roundhouse and Pinkie Pie stood forty paces from each other. Each was armed with a single pair of cupcakes. The captain of the ship, as asked, rang the ship's bell as soon as noon struck. "Beeeeeegiiiiiin!"

Pinkie flipped the cupcakes into the air, snatching them in her mouth as they fell. Roundhouse went the traditional way, leaning forward and biting into the confection. In seconds, both sides had finished their cupcakes. Twilight was confused.
"So... it's just an eating contest? Yaaah!"

Pinkie and Roundhouse both began glowing the colours of their respective coats. With a primal scream, Pinkie's mysterious pink light drew back to her hooves and she leapt forward. There was an explosion, and the sound of noisemakers, as she went flying forward a good twenty feet. Her foreleg whiffed past Roundhouse's mane, who promptly turned and struck at Pinkie's side with a massive hoof. But she wasn't there. His eyes widened as Pinkie bucked, both rear legs connecting with the side of Roundhouse's head. The old pony fell to the ground, much to Twilight's horror.

But it was just a ruse. The stallion quickly rolled to the side, light glowing around his front hooves as he stamped mightily upon the deck. The entire front half of the ship nosed into the water as the aft rose, propelling Pinkie Pie into the air. He stomped again and flung himself upwards, shouting and aiming right for Pinkie's stomach with an outstretched hoof. Twilight and Spike hugged each other in terror at the sheer might he could put forth. There was no way any of this was actually possible, and if it were, Twilight surely couldn't expect what happened next. The noisemakers sounded again, and just before Roundhouse struck, Pinkie temporarily stopped existing.

Twilight rubbed her eyes to make sure she'd seen correctly. First, Roundhouse had tilted the ship and leapt into the air after Pinkie Pie. Then, she just vanished. That... that just doesn't happen. She looked to the cowering dragon. "Spike... you saw that too, right?"
"Y-Y-Yeah..."
"You know that doesn't just happen, right?"
"Ye- Aah! Aaahhhhh!"

Pinkie rematerialized in the ring just in front of the shrieking dragon, and the light enveloped her back hooves. Bending at the back knee, she sprung forward in a repeat of her first attack, colliding with Roundhouse's stomach just before he struck the deck. The elder skidded across the water a few yards like a stone before slipping into the drink.

"P-Pinkie Pie... what did you just do?"
The light disappeared with a balloon-like pop! as Pinkie giggled. "I think I just won!"
Roundhouse surfaced after a few moments, treading water to the side of the ship while Pinkie Pie launched a rope to him. He bit on eagerly, and she began to pull him up onto the deck. Once his hooves connected with the hard wooden surface, he shook violently, clearing himself of the brine.
"Pinkie, when did you get so strong? Even I can't move at that speed!"
"Silly Master, I just practiced!"
"Would somepony please explain just what the hay happened!?"

Twilight's mane and tail were beginning to smoulder as the Earth ponies chuckled. "Silly filly, we were sparring!"
"Sparring!? He just flew into the sky, and you teleported! What are you two!?"
Roundhouse tilted his head. "Uh, we're not unicorns if that's what you're thinking. Did Pinkie tell you nothing?"
"Sorry Master, I thought she knew! Twilight knows everything about everything!"
"Huh. Well, guess I better explain for ya, Miss Sparkle. Pinkie, First Stance!"

The party pony snapped a salute and bounced to the centre of the circle, assuming a fighting crouch with her back hooves. Roundhouse dropped his usual cheery attitude, instead almost narrating. "You see, Twilight, Pinkie and I have trained in the martial art form known as Shugakain."
"Sugarcane?" asked Spike.
"No, Shu-ga-kain, although you're half right. This story's a long 'un, so sit tight. A long while back, when ponies first explored beyond the original homelands, a ship of Earth ponies found the zebra tribes. The two groups met each other on the shores, and had a massive feast. The zebras brought out a huge array of foods, including these strange, sweet sticks. The Earth ponies asked about them as best they could, and the zebras just cracked them open. The sticks, as I'm sure you guessed, were sugarcane plants. The Earth ponies had never seen anything so sweet, let alone eaten it, and they began to get very hyper.

"As it happened, a scientist pony was on the ship, and he found a way of controlling the energy from sugarcane and other sweet things through muscle movements. In doing so, he found he could make ponies faster and more energetic while burning said sugar energy. When the Earth ponies introduced their baked goods, it was common sense to sweeten the dull and boring bread up a bit. The scientist, known as Rhubarb Pie, made the first cupcake from the mixture, and ate it right away.

"The sugar, fats, and carbohydrates drastically exceeded the energy he thought possible, turning all that wasted caloric energy that fattens ponies up into massive muscular impulses, in the right hooves. Rhubarb began refining the muscle control techniques he created, until one day he began to glow. All those calories were turned into pure energy his body could safely use. Delighted, he channeled the energy to his back hooves, and jumped. The next day, when he crashed into the ocean, he claimed he'd invented a revolutionary new exercise that necessitated eating sweets.

"His daughter, Lemon "Lightninghooves" Pie was a born fighter. She learned her daddy's techniques and used them in her martial arts. She was half deaf, so when asked to name her new style, she repeated what she thought they had called the plant, naming the techniques 'Shugakain.' Now, Lemon Pie kept up her training for years, and made some amazing discoveries. She found she could move faster than an eye could see, could smash things with the strength of a thousand ponies, and, as you've probably seen Pinkie Pie here do once or twice, even break the barriers of reality!"
"Break reality?"
"Yeah, break reality! You know all those times when we were just sitting there and I pulled some random doohickey out of nowhere? I was really using my skills to reach back home and grab stuff!"
"The Pie family has been historic in the martial arts world for their mastery of Shugakain ever since they invented it, so don't be surprised that she can do things like that."

Twilight didn't know which was worse; Pinkie Pie being a prodigy in martial combat, or that Pinkie had powers even she couldn't replicate. "It doesn't make sense, though! I can understand using caloric energy as a stimulant for muscles, but how can she open a portal to another location when I can't do that with nearly two decades of magic practice and study?"

"We dunno how it works, but it does! Wanna see?" Pinkie Pie went to her cabin, grabbing a few pastries she'd laid out for just this sort of thing. She came back out a few seconds later, munching them down one by one. Her right forehoof began to glow with the energy her body extracted, and her face was dead serious. "Kiyaaaa!"

The hoof on the end of her leg disappeared as she struck towards Twilight's face. Twilight nearly fainted as Pinkie Pie pulled back, bringing Gummy the alligator through the rift. "That's not possible... that's not possible..."
Spike's stomach rumbled loudly, waking him up from his daydream of saving Rarity from ninja attack dogs. He patted his ample belly and stood up, scanning the horizon.

"Hey, Master Roundhouse?"
"Just 'Roundhouse,' please."
"Oh, okay. Roundhouse? They have any good gems in Neighppon? I'm starving!"
"No, I'm afraid not. Neighppon is actually a very poor land; we eat well enough, but there's no wealth to be had. Everypony grows their own food because we can't buy a thing. No rare metals, no good timber, and certainly no jewels to be had. I'm sorry."
Spike was annoyed, but didn't show it. "Oh, no problem, I'm just a bit snacky right now. Pinkie, can you punch a portal back home and grab me some gems?"
"Well, do you know where some are?"
He scratched his jaw thoughtfully. "Nope, not unless we rob Rarity. Is that gonna hurt my chances of gettin' some gems?"
"Sorry, Spike, but it will. I can't grab things if I don't know where they are, and if I guess, I might open somepony up!"

"Oh, wow, that sounds painful; maybe I should just teleport... Oh, right." Twilight tapped her numb horn, cursing herself for agreeing to this. "Uh, sorry, but I can't do anything about it. Looks like you'll have to wait until we get back to Ponyville."

Spike fell to his knees, screaming up at the heavens. "NOOOOOOO!!!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Drama king..."

* * * * *

Countless ponies were wandering around the ever-busy market, forming a ring outside of Sugarcube Corner. The rumours held that the four ponies that came out that day would be strange, but in such a way that nopony in the town could have expected. The door opened, the bell rung. The first to step out was a cyan pegasus, her windblown mane and tail slicked back into a professional pair of multicoloured ponytails with only a fringe of red still on her face. Her brown business-executive style suit cramped her wings down, preventing her from flying away from the staring crowd.

Next came the white unicorn, her purple curls hidden by a monstrosity of a hat. The hat, a large red cone bedazzled with sequins, reflected coloured light in every direction, with pom-poms and bells bouncing around every time she swivelled her head. Her dress came after the gaudy hat, a sagging tent of sparkle and silk. The baggy clothes tripped her every step, nearly causing her to lose the squeaky red ball on her face. Deep inside, she thought she could hear her heart snapping.

Third was an incredibly shy pegasus, her pale yellow fur contrasting her light blue jogging clothes. Around her hooves and forehead were red and white striped bands. A pair of Vinyl Scratch's finest earphones hung loosely around her neck. She squeaked in fear and dashed toward the lawyer and the clown.

With a sigh, the orange Earth mare trotted out of the bakery. Her traditional hat was gone, her blonde mane no longer tied back behind her. Now, every bit of blonde on her had been straightened, leaving her mane down past her knees. Muffled by the crowd, Rarity whispered to Rainbow, who had just bitten holes at the wing-joints of her suit, "When was the last time she got it cut?" Applejack continued her walk, showcasing the black sweater she'd been cajoled into wearing. The thing was tight, itchy, and unbearably warm, but she put up with it, making her way to the others.

"Well, girls, now's the time. Rarity, yer first gig is at that spoilt little brat Diamon' Tiara's birthday party. She's gonna try rippin' on ya, so don't let her get under yer skin." Rarity sighed and raised a hoof to her eye, wiping away an imaginary tear. "Oh, such a beastly young filly! Oh, spare me from this, Applejack! Take pity on me, and let's trade challenges!"
"Sorry, Rarity, no can do. Pinkie's rules, you unnerstand. Besides, you'd probably just copy one of Twi's romance novels and get done early."
"How dare you accuse me of... No, no, you're probably right, now that I think of it..."
"Heh, exactly. So long, Rarity!"

The formerly fashionable mare made an about-face, trotting in the direction of the Rich family estate. Rainbow prodded Applejack, unfurling her wings. "Sorry to cut this short, but I've gotta fly! My first class is in two hours, and these winds are really gonna kill me when I get going."
"Not a problem, R.D., you go ahead an' git goin'."
Rainbow nodded and wooshed into the sky, turning corkscrews and barreling into the wind. This left Fluttershy and Applejack at the back end of the dispersing crowd.

"Well, Fluttershy, we'd best move on. Horsepower's gym is just a few minutes past Sweet Apple Acres. C'mon, I'll walk ya there."
"O-Okay... Anything I should know about buckboxing first?"
They chatted about the finer points of combat while they trotted before Fluttershy questioned the rules.
"No, Fluttershy, you most certainly may not surrender before the match starts. Nor durin' it, fer that matter. Wouldn't be right of ya to just back outta this kind of agreement."
"Got it. ...So, can I just fly above the ring so I don't get hurt?"
"No, and if'n ya ask again, Ah'm gonna put weights on those wings."
"Sorry... Do I absolutely have to attack the other pony?"

"Fer land's sakes girl, yes! It's a fightin' sport, ya need to do some fightin'. If Horsepower gets a little too, er, macho for ya, just come on by the farm and have Big Macintosh teach ya. Think he was born with all that empty-headed muscle?"
The two friends laughed before reaching a fork in the dirt road. The left led to downtown Ponyville, home of the infamous bodybuilder Horsepower's gym. The right fork led down to Sweet Apple Acres, and Applejack's shiny new typewriter. She sighed and waved her friend off before trudging home. "Ah'm not much of a poet, but this is just ridiculous..."
* * * * *

Back on the deck, Twilight was taking notes on what she'd learned thus far on her journey.

1. Pinkie Pie is insane!!!
2. She also seems to have powers I can't even understand, and these powers just shouldn't happen. How does she pierce the barriers of reality using just caloric and sugar-based energies? Is there another dimension she reaches through when she's grabbing things from far away? Clearly she can pull living creatures through the portal/tear/whatever it is she reaches through, but the only subject for this so far has been that toothless 'gator. This demands experimentation!

Satisfied, she looked at her notes. A hideous scrawl of black ink looked back, the shapes of letters hideously twisted into forms unrecognizable by the sane. She spat the quill out from her mouth and looked at Spike.
"Hey, Spike, I need your help..."
The young dragon plodded over and read through her notes.
"...So, is your magic like a seperate part of you, maybe the one that can actually write?"
"Hey! It's been ages since I wrote without magic, give me a break!"
"Okay, okay, what did you want written?"

He held the savaged paper at arm's length, focusing a stream of emerald fire onto it. The ash scattered into the wind.
"SPIKE! Why did you send that?"
"I didn't, I burned it. You need to address it, first. How much about hoofwriting letters have you forgotten, anyhow?"
Twilight groaned and gave up, turning to watch the two martial artists demonstrate what they were capable of.

Roundhouse's back left connected neatly with Pinkie's shoulder, sending her careening into the side wall of her cabin. She shook her head and returned to her hooves, determined not to lose this match. She kicked off the wall, sending a barrage of strikes towards Roundhouse. Those he couldn't deflect he weaved around, sweeping Pinkie's hooves out from under her. As she fell, her forelegs reached past her fluffy mane, settling on the solid timbers of the deck. She pulled with all her strength, her body slingshotting back toward the cabin wall as Roundhouse's front hooves struck the spot she had been falling towards. He smirked, impressed.

"Well done, Pinkie! Now, let's get serious!"
He motioned towards their saddlebags, placed on the prow of the ship and tightly knotted. "Blueberry sound good to you?"
"Yuh-huh!"
He effortlessly retrieved the bags, pulling a pair of muffins from his own. With a quick sling, the first hit Pinkie square in the face. She slurped it off herself, smiling as she ate.
"Mm-mm! Ooh, Master! Think we should start teaching Twilight yet?"
"Nah, not here. Don't want to ruin the ship any further, do we?"

The two combatants inspected the ship. The top deck was dented in at both ends, and the cabin wall had seen enough abuse to warrant reconstruction. The captain was steering with a single back leg, not moving his gaze from the sugar-fueled fighters. Pinkie frowned, shuffling a hoof through the sawdust that once was the mizzenmast.
"Right... well, what should we do now?"
"Nothing, it's getting too late to keep sparring."
"But we just ate!"
"Then burn it off with a few laps in the ocean."

He leaned onto his front hooves, giving Pinkie a quick kick to the flank and knocking her overboard. Upon surfacing, she glared up at Roundhouse. "Hey! You don't go shoving ponies into stuff like that! What if we were on a volcano? No, wait! What if we were on the moon? It'd take forever before I got back!"
"A little exercise'll do you some good! I want forty laps of this vessel in twenty minutes!"
"But-but- ...Yes, Master."

Roundhouse walked towards the other two occupants, grinning pridefully.
"Miss Sparkle, Spike? You two don't mind me being a bit hard on Pinkie Pie, right? From what I heard, she was acting like a complete airhead in Ponyville, so I need to get her mind back in the right state."
Twilight drew circles on the deck with the tip of a hoof, watching the dust motes catch the sun's rays. "I don't really mind, she can clearly handle it, but it's just so different from how she used to be."
"Different? Used to? She's always been the same pony, you know. I've seen her sad only a few times during her training, and believe me, it wasn't pretty."
Twilight thought back to the time Pinkie's hair fell straight and she more or less snapped. She shuddered, and Roundhouse continued.
"What I'm saying is, she's always been the happy-go-lucky party animal, and that won't change now that she's back in her training. You're just seeing a side of her you didn't know existed, and it's clearly bothering you."

Twilight was very impressed at how well the stallion read her. "Wow, that was good! How'd you know what I was thinking?"
"Simple, really. I'm reading what Spike's writing in that little diary he carries around."
"HEY!"

Before Twilight could see, Spike scribbled a name on the front cover of the book, burning it and sending it off into the sunset.
"Spike? Why'd you do that?"
" I didn't want you reading it, so I sent it away."
"And asking me not to didn't cross your mind?"

The dragon hatchling slapped himself, muttering. "Nice one, Spike. Three months without a single entry, how am I gonna cope?"
Twilight sat beside him, trying her best to cheer him up Pinkie-style.
"It's not that bad, Spike. Look, just ask whomever you sent it to to send it back!"
"There's a problem with that, Twi."

Back in Ponyville, at Fluttershy's cottage, Peewee the phoenix was napping, nestled deep in his plumage. The blue book materialized in front of him, landing with a slam! on the hard wooden floor, waking the newly hatched bird up.

"You sent it to a phoenix?"
"What? It was the quickest name I could write."
"Well, write this down, okay?"

Ship's log 1. Sunset, day one, month one.

"Dear Princess Celestia,
Just recently, I learned something new about friends: Even somepony you've known for years always has something new to surprise you with. My good friend Pinkie Pie is more than she appears. Just the other day I thought she was a nuisance, and now, we're setting sail across the ocean for Neighppon! Her zany antics and all the sweets she eats have a connection to all the strange happenings around her, and I've been invited to learn with her!

"...Ok, it's just me trying to trim a few pounds, but that's beside the point. What I learned is that you should never assume that anypony's totally one dimensional, because if you look below the surface, you'll find levels of depth and mystique greater than you could have ever imagined. I should be back in Ponyville in three months, so I'm afraid I'll have only Pinkie Pie for company, and that means fewer letters to you. I hope you won't be disappointed, but I can only learn so much from Pinkie about friendship if I only experience one facet of it.

"Listen to me ramble; I just contradicted what I had you jot down! Hey, Spike, can you hurry up and send this? You're still writing? ...And you're recording everything I say? Aah! Spike, hurry up and sen- NO! Stop writing!"

Ink blotted the scroll as Twilight gave Spike a playful shove, and the dragon torched the letter. They watched in silence as it began to weave its way as a cloud of smoke, slithering between the clouds and speeding towards Canterlot.

The quiet moment was shattered as the foghorn sounded and the captain called out, "Attention all passengers, this is Captain Sea Star. We should be making land at Neighppon's eastern coast in twelve hours. At this time, we request that those of you with freaky karate powers kindly simmer down and head to bed, as visibility will soon be zero and you'll probably crush me against the tiller. Thank you, and have a peaceful sleep."

Twilight scooped Spike onto her back, trotting towards their cabin. Pinkie Pie finally completed her laps and clambered aboard, yawning. "Whooooooahhhhhh! I am beat! You two better get some rest, we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow! Twilight, I hope you like cooking breakfast, because that's all we're doing once we get there!"

Twilight blanched, looking to Spike for some confidence. The dragon was, however, barely suppressing his laughter at the concept. "Heeheehee! Oh, Pinkie, don't worry! She'll do fi-hahahaha! Sh-she'll do fine!"
Twilight bucked upwards, launching him into the cabin.
"You think I can get some help with that?"
"Sure, but get some sleep! It's way past your bedtime!"

With nothing more to say, she joined Gummy in her bunk, leaving Twilight and Roundhouse on the deck. She didn't even know he was there until he spoke. "I'm guessing you're the food eating type, rather than the food making type?"
"Gah! Oh, it's just you... Um, well, yeah, I guess I am a bit of a snacker... Is that going to make this more difficult?"
"Shugakain is an art powered by the overconsumption of snack foods. I think that'll give you an unfair advantage!"

He got onto his side and closed his eyes, drifting to sleep on the hard wooden deck. Twilight shrugged and clambered into her bed, closing her eyes and giving in to the darkness of slumber. All the preparations made that day, combined with the excitement of the duel between Pinkie Pie and Roundhouse, soon found her consciousness fading away into the tranquility of the sea at night. The lone ship rocked back and forth, making its slow, steady way towards Neighppon.

* * * * *

The Games Begin

Disclaimer- I do not own any character in this story excluding Roundhouse, Halfshell, and Fine Print. All rights to characters are copyright Hasbro/Lauren Faust/whomever currently owns them. Same with the adorable art with Pinkie Pie in her outfit. Anypony finds out who did it, please tell me so I may credit them. Furthermore, please tell me should you find spelling or punctuation mistakes.

[NOTE: Obvious FF7 reference, but it was totally necessary.]

The ship's bell rang twice as it nosed into Neighppon's southernmost dock. Three ponies trotted onto the sandy shore, followed by a plump baby dragon. The three equines went about yawning and stretching and rubbing their eyes, but the dragon rocked on his side, his purple scales now a notable shade of green.

"I-I dunno which is worse... that ride, or the fact that there's no gems... Oooohhh..."
"Oh no, Spike, you are not going to be sick the second we make land. What would the native ponies think of us if the first thing they see is you throwing up fire all over the shore?"

Roundhouse came to Spike's defense. "You'll find that the locals, the Japonies, are quite inviting to all dragonkind. We have a long history with both dragons and seasickness, so just try to control your flames so you don't burn anypony, okay?"
"O-Okay... Blaaargghh!"

Holding his stomach, the dragon vomited forth emerald flames, turning the sand beneath him to glass. A second heave brought forth purple smoke, which coalesced into a sealed scroll. Spike flopped onto his back as Twilight grabbed the scroll, tearing it open clumsily without her magic.

"Oh dear, right through the Princess' name.... Ahem!

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

As much as I approve of your journey, I have to wonder if you have thought it all through. This great journey you are undertaking brings to mind some questions. The one that comes to me first is the question of what Ponyville will do without you. It seems not even a week can go by without some problem springing up for you six to solve. I'll appoint some guards in the town to cover for you, but I can't guarantee they'll do a satisfactory job for you.
Secondly, I would like to know how your friends plan on communicating with you while you're away. Without Spike acting as a relay in Ponyville, messages can only be sent one way. Luna and I just don't have the time to send messages from your friends everytime they wish to tell you something. I'm sorry, but we simply can not help in this matter.
My final question is reserved for Ms. Pie. I'm sure you're reading this part aloud, so will you please give her the letter? Oh, er, right. Here, Pinkie Pie."

Twilight rolled the scroll up and tossed it to Pinkie. She unfurled it and began reading silently, her grin fading to a look of boredom. After she finished, she casually flicked the scroll into the ocean, watching it bob in the waves. "Ugh, I know she's a super busy princess and everything, but that was just sooooo boring! Why can't she just make her letters fun? You know, add balloons, some glitter, ooh! Ooh! She should mail them with a mail cannon!"
"Pinkie Pie, there's nothing wrong with a good, old-fashioned letter. Anyhoo, Roundhouse, what will we do now?"

The muscular stallion stared down the length of his snout at her, eyes sparkling mischievously. He set one big hoof into the air, focusing the small amount of caloric energy his body still retained into a usable form. When the energy was ready, Roundhouse snapped at a spot in the air, pulling a white karate-style gi from nowhere. "That's Master Roundhouse to you now, missy, and we're gonna walk!"

He waved at a large purple mountain, pointing out a pinprick of darkness near the top. "My house is way up there, and that's where your combat training will begin. However, you need to be taught the basic tenets of Shugakain first. Spike, when you're feeling well enough, I need a letter taken, address it to a pony named Halfshell. Tell her we need the full use of her kitchens."

From his position on the ground, the retching dragon held up a thumbclaw half-heartedly.

* * * * *

"A-hem! Big Macintosh, ya mind givin' this a read-through before I get it all spick 'n' span fer the Cakes?"
Applejack sat uncomfortably in front of the typewriter, feeling as if the two keys on it were staring deep into her. Ever since Granny Smith bought the confounded thing for the challenge, Applejack knew the machine had a grudge against her. The two stamps had somehow jammed the first time she pressed a key, and despite the typewriter's magical mind-reading design, the first word to appear was "hate." Four minutes into her first idea, Applejack's newly straightened mane was caught rather painfully in the cogs and springs in the belly of the wretched machine. And if all that weren't enough, Applejack knew nothing at all of her topic, nor how to start writing. Writer's block can be overcome with thought, but what if one has no thought to give on the matter?

The red stallion flicked his eyes in her direction, his saturnine expression never changing. "Nnnope. Don't mind."
He heaved his enormous frame from his favourite chair, booming steps echoing as he slowly plodded to the would-be novelist. He glanced at his sister sidelong, seeing the nervous expression she wore before setting his eyes on the loose pages to her side. With speed that defied his normally slow paced lifestyle, he scanned through her writings, flipping pages faster than the typewriter had released them.

"Mmhmm. Eeyup. Yep. Uh-huh."
"Well? How's it so far?"
Big Mac re-read every page to make sure he understood, sometimes leaning in close to make out the slightly splotchy characters. After two minutes more, he cleared his throat before delving into his summary and verdict of the story.

"Nnnope."

Applejack flipped her forelegs up in disgust. "Aw, is it really that bad? Ah mean, really?"
"Eeyup."
"Well, that's fantastic... Thanks fer bein' honest, Big Mac."
"Eeyup."
"Any advice you could give me?"
"Fer starters, yer character here just don't add up. What in the hay's a farmer doin' in Manehattan all by her lonesome? Ah know they say 'Write what ya know,' but that's just silly to go on an' quote yer life. Next off, the entire settin' thus far has been purty static. Ten pages in, an' we still ain't off that street corner. This section right here, well, this'n just ain't important yet. Ah don't think none o' the readers are gonna care much about her past if they ain't even got a clue what her name is. On the lighter side, Ah think you got all yer grammar an' spellin' right, an' it's not that badly written. You jus' need a different story to write is all. Keep at it."

Applejack just stared as Big Macintosh laughed a deep, booming laugh, making his deliberate way back to the chair. Deciding not to comment on his sudden verbal outpouring, she replaced the paper in the mechanical menace and began plotting new ideas. Two hours further, one sentence adorned the crisp white page. I am not a writer.

*
"It was horrible, Opal! Absolutely horrible! I'm a laughingstock now, and not for being funny!"
Rarity was in her fluffiest robe, a monstrosity of pinkness and fuzz, sobbing maniacally on her silk sheets. Mascara ran down her face in streams as she vented, confiding in her pet cat in a momentary lapse of judgment.
"Oh, you're so lucky you have no friends, Opal! Nopony to hold you to bets because 'You're the generous one, surely you wouldn't mind giving away every single working day you have to play a clown for those beastly little fillies!'"

The uncaring cat merely rolled her eyes, resisting her urge to claw at the hoof that fed her. For three hours, Rarity had been wailing in the plushly padded room, hooves encircling either her pet or a plus size box of DramaQueen brand tissues. It had all started out wrong, and got worse as the day progressed. For the sixth time in Celestia knows how few minutes, Rarity narrated the disastrous party to the unmoved feline

"I-It was the ugliest thing I ever designed, Opal! And I had to wear it all day! I won't *sniffle* won't tell you how many times I tripped on the way there, and I nearly broke half the bones in my foreleg when I fell right into the Rich family's front gate! I was mortified- mortified I say!- when the gate swung open and that pink furred abomination sneered at me in her spoilt little voice, 'A clown doesn't mean a dope, and you're late! You'd better be funny!'

"I tried my best to be witty and charming, honey, I really did, but there was just no impressing her or her snooty little friends! I told them about all the weird and unusual ponies that buy from me, of all the uproarious pranks Pinkie Pie plays, even about that poor brown-coated fellow who got trapped in that blue box with Derpy for six hours, but they didn't laugh! Not a single little chuckle, and it was terrible! I can never show my face in Ponyville again! I'm so pathetic!"

Opal hopped off the bed, making her way for a battered old drawing desk. Making sure the bawling unicorn wasn't looking, Opal turned to this week's calendar page, ticking off a box labelled, in a very crude, quill-in-paw way, "Diva moment."

*
Three quick kicks flew right over Fluttershy's head, making her mane blow back partially. She was cowering on the floor, trembling and crying silently while her opponent scratched the back of his head with a hoof, embarrassed.
"Um, Horsepower, sir? I told her I'd miss intentionally, but she still ducked... I feel kinda bad now... I-Is it alright if I just go shower and be done for the day?"
"YEEAAHHHH!"

The tremendous white pegasus brought a hoof down on the table, breaking it to splinters as though it were made from playing cards. His tiny wings fluttered and he slowly raised into the air, hovering towards Fluttershy's quaking frame. He knelt forward, confused, and put on his quiet voice.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!? HE SAID HE WOULD MISS! THAT IS NO REASON TO CRY LIKE A LITTLE FUZZY BABY!"
"Um, I-I-I er, that is..."
Fluttershy squeaked, her one reaction to extreme fear that didn't involve tears. Nervously, she looked up and met his beady red eyes. All that any being would ever find in them was malice of the darkest variety, a pure hatred at the entire universe for existing. The pure anger that radiated from his eyes could have put down an army of the most seasoned soldiers, and all this red-hot hate was aimed straight at Fluttershy. She panicked and retreated into her happy place, unconsciously uttering a simple rhyming phrase.

"You terrorize, I brutalize!"

She immediately broke away, turning to face him with a smile that would haunt anypony who saw it for weeks.

From where his head protruded through the boxing ring's ropes, Horsepower could only see the ceiling of his gym. He didn't ask exactly why he was still alive, nor ponder how his neck had been twisted at such an absurd angle, nor did he question why the pale pegasus' eyes turned even more crimson than his own. He didn't even wonder how it took all of three seconds for Ponyville's number one male athlete to get thoroughly annihilated by the delicate little animal lover. The one thing he questioned was why she was apologizing so profusely and pulling him loose from the padded chain links.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, Mister Horsepower! I-I don't know what came over me! Um.. I can pay you for any, um, hospitalization you might need. Oh, Fluttershy, you've done it this time!"
"THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE! YOU NEED TO TEACH ME TO FIGHT LIKE THAT!"
"But, I don't like fighting! That wasn't even me! That was nasty old New Fluttershy that did that to you! I-I didn't want to hurt you or anything, I'm just trying to become more bold! I don't want to hurt anypony, I just... I can't ... I'm sorry!"

Spreading her wings wide, Fluttershy flew out of the gym, leaving Horsepower to straighten his own neck out. He took a small pencil from a stand nearby, heading to a notepad and scribbling his thoughts, unintentionally muttering them at a volume that could kill small mammals.
"FRILLY PINK MANED PEGASUS EQUALS CRAZY! NOTE TO SELF: BUY LOZENGES!"

*

"...So, what you're saying is that I may not argue with the judge?"
"Correct, you may not."
"...Can I growl angrily at the judge?"
"No, that carries a fine of twelve bits."
"Grrr... Is there any way I can show that high and mighty judge what I think of him in the middle of a trial?"
"No, Miss Dash, I'm not even going to explain to you why you can't do that. Leave all opinions of the judge, jury, and the other lawyers outside of the courtroom, thank you!"

Fine Print looked down from her lectern at Rainbow Dash, clearly annoyed at the repeated questioning from the athlete. All through the class Rainbow had kept up an incessant stream of questions, and the day had only been about titles.
"So, the jury ponies, we can't talk to them individually?"
"Can I call the judge 'bub?'"
"Could I take a nap break instead of a ten-minute recess?"
"If I'm the prosecutor and he's the bailiff, and she's the defendant, who gets to be the executioner?"

Canterlot's most renowned lawyer slunk back in her chair, taking a quick nip from a flask of cider and sighing before Rainbow Dash could impose another ridiculous question on her. Throughout her life, all of Fine Print's students were serious, boring unicorns who had wanted to be serious, boring lawyer unicorns, much like Print herself. And then Rainbow Dash arrived, as though to say to Fine Print, "Yes, you can make it those last six months to retirement! You can BWAHAHAHA! I can't keep this joke up; here's a good boot in the flank for thinking your retirement would be easy!" Fine Print polished her glasses magically while Rainbow flapped out of her seat, raising a hoof.

"Ooh! Ooh, pick me! Pick me!"
"Rrrr... what could it possibly be, Miss Dash!?"
"What actually counts as a crime here in Canterlot?"
"RRAHHH!"

With a resounding crash, Print's personalized copy of Canterlot Common Law, 8th revised edition sailed through the back of Rainbow's chair.
"There! Read that and learn, or is that too difficult for you? Gah! I'm off to the pub, you can all just figure it out on your own!"

Rainbow looked around sheepishly at the two dozen unicorns that glared at her.
"Eh-heh... Um, sorry about that... I, uh, I think I'll just get started on this book..."
She picked up the enormous tome and dragged it into a saddlebag before taking flight, mindful of the looks of hate emanating from the students shuffling out from the classroom door.

*

Five hours later, they met up at Sugarcube Corner. Gathered around a pink, cloth bedecked table, the six ponies looked between them, four wearing looks of immense disappointment. The two remaining ponies, both bakers, looked from one to the next. Carrot Cake spoke up first.
"So, girls, how was the first day of Pinkie Pie's challenge?"
"Dull..."
"Wretched!"
"Frightening..."
"Officious."
Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy all looked at Rainbow Dash. "What? I know some big words. Anyways, my point is that being a lawyer has too many rules. You can't tell anypony off. You can't smack the other guy in the face. You can't even show any emotion for Pete's sake! I don't know what Pinkie Pie was thinking when she gave me this stupid challenge!"

Cup Cake slid a tray of cookies between the four, motioning for Applejack to start her narration. "Thanks kindly, Mrs. Cake. My day was, as Ah said, dull. First idea Ah come up with, an' it turns out it was just the story of me gettin' these here apples on my rump." Her back leg kicked up, hovering over her cutie mark.
"Really? You never told us you met a colt while in Manehattan, and at such a young age, too?"
"No, Rarity, Ah didn't get past chapter one. Big Macintosh said ta write what Ah know, but besides what our sisters and Scootaloo pulled on Hearts an' Hooves day with him an' Cheerilee, none o' this generation of the Apple Family has had any luck in the whole romance field."

Her three friends turned to each other, confused. "Uh, AJ? We knew that already. I think a novel isn't supposed to be the story of your life."
"Rainbow's right, Applejack. The point was to come up with a story, not to relate any such escapade you've had."
"Um, yeah... besides that, I think a made-up story would be better. All of Twilight's nonfiction romances always end up with somepony being executed or something..."

The farmer sighed, grabbing a cookie from the platter and biting down on it, speaking with her mouth full. "Ah guesh yer right, but shtill- Mmm... s'good cookies. Still, though, where in the hay will Ah get some inspiration?"
Fluttershy also reached for the cookie plate, snapping the last one away before Rainbow could get to it. "I'm not sure where you'll get your story, Appleja- Oh, my, these are nice. Er, I'm not sure where you'd find a good romance story, and I can't help you. I need to find a new hoofboxing teacher before tomrrow..."

Rainbow cast Fluttershy an annoyed glare, nicking a cupcake from a nearby shelf. "You two think you have problems? I think I just made the greatest lawyer in Canterlot quit her day job, and all I have left to learn from is this mountain of a book!" She dropped the thick tome on the table, resulting in a booming crash that shook her friends from their seats. "Fer lands sakes, Rainbow! How'd you even fly here with a book the size o' that one in yer bags?"
"It wasn't easy, I'll tell ya that. Had to jump into a gale just to get to the Ponyville city limits."

Fluttershy, now recovered from the violent quake, scooped herself from the floor, examining the book. "Wow, Rainbow... I hope the weather team can handle you being gone for so long. I don't think even Twilight could finish this in two months!"
"An' what's that supposed to mean, huh? Are you saying I can't read as fast as her?"
"No, no, not at all. I'm saying that she'd have more free time without classes to attend... if that's okay..."
"Oh, er, right. Sorry."

Applejack cleared her throat. "Good. Now that we have that settled, Rarity, howsabout you tell us how yer day went?"
The fashionista shuddered, waving for more sweets from the Cakes. She launched into her tale, giving massive sweeps of her white legs as she recounted every failed jest. The trays of food piled around her, emptied as soon as they were placed. Rarity drove through her short but horrifying tale, making all the appropriate gestures and expressions when appropriate. After five minutes of overly dramatic storytelling, she capped it off by conjuring a couch in the middle of the bakery, swooning elegantly onto it with a few last words.

"And then, that horrid little pony, Diamond Tiara, had me thrown out with a fusillade of pies! The sheer indignity! Oooohh!"
"Uh, Rarity? Foals are horrible, and really, I think even Twilight would've made a better clown."
Rarity leapt from her sofa, her eyes formed into slits. "Rainbow Dash, how dare you suggest for even a second that anypony could be a better clown than moi!" Applejack pushed the two apart, growing tired of her role as den mother for the remaining group. "Rarity, Ah think yer goin' about this the wrong way. Yer tryin' ta be funny, instead of, well, silly. Clowns aren't fancy stand-up comics, they're not witty or classy or nothin'. They're just... silly. An' Rainbow, Yer not havin' much luck either, so be nice!"

Fluttershy raised a hoof, patiently waiting for her turn to speak while Applejack continued. "Ah'll admit, not a bit of what I've done has been much use ta anypony, but Ah'm not gonna complain. So far, it looks like Fluttershy here has been winnin' this here little contest, so let's all hear what she has ta say. Go on, Fluttershy, say yer piece." The pegasus set her hoof on the table, taking a remaining cookie from Rarity's many comfort food plates.

"I had almost no luck either today, to be honest. That Horsepower guy, he's scary... I couldn't move during practice, and he scared me a little too much... I went a little, you know, New Fluttershy on him..."
Rarity's white coat turned even whiter as she gasped, much to the bemusement of their friends. Rainbow tapped a hoof idly on the table. " 'New Fluttershy?' "
"Yes... Remember that week when you and Applejack had to go back to Appaloosa because of the storms? Pinkie Pie and Rarity taught me to be assertive then, but I got bad advice from somepony else, a minotaur named Iron Will. I turned just horrible to everypony in town! I was just so mean to everyone that I got Angel to tie me up, but after Iron Will came to my cottage to get his fee, I was alright. Or, at least I thought so. Now, when I get too mad or too scared, I blank out and New Fluttershy hurts somepony or breaks something..."

Rarity at this point had recovered her breathing, and questioned her. "But, I thought she was gone!"
"Not gone, just... hidden." She shivered, munching slowly on the cookie. Rainbow had had enough of the drama and regret, slapping a cookie into her own mouth.
"Yeah, Fluttershy, that's great, but what happened to Horsepower?"
Fluttershy stepped outside, tossing a gold bit to a newsagent. She stepped back into the shop with a newspaper in her mouth. The front page made everypony gasp and caused Cup Cake, who had just walked in, to faint in an undignified heap. The stallion on the front of the paper had his neck turned as though a bear had mauled it. Rainbow's eyes dilated as she looked at the picture, surprised more by the number of paramedics hauling him into the carriage than his injury.

"Wow, you did that? Geez..."
"I-I didn't try to! I just need a nicer teacher."
Applejack pointed in the direction of her barn. "As Ah said before, sugarcube, Big Mac knows how to buckbox. Just ask him sometime. Y'know what? Ah'll take ya ta see him later today, okay?"
"Okay, if you're sure he can teach me."
"He can, Ah'm sure. Rarity, you an' Rainbow oughta work together. R.D., teach her ta prank, and Rarity, teach her ta be civil in court, okay?"
"I'd love to, Applejack, but why help us if you're competing with us?"

Applejack grinned, pulling her hat over her eyes and strolling out from the shop. "Because, wouldn't it just wallop Twilight to see a silly Rarity, a civilized Rainbow, a fightin' Fluttershy, an' me bein' a novelist? Wouldn't her face be priceless? C'mon, Fluttershy, you got lessons to start." The pegasus glanced at her friends before nervously flapping her wings, trailing behind the farmer at a slow hover.

Rarity and Rainbow now sat alone with Cup Cake's unconscious form, each more concerned with the contest than the baker in the middle of the floor. Rarity clicked her front hooves together after a time, brushing a purple lock from her face. "Well, Rainbow, I see no other way we can succeed without each other's assistance. I've served on a few juries, so I know the protocol that's called for in a royal court. I assume you and Pinkie Pie know how to get children to laugh?"
"You bet we do! I may be good, but Pinkie's the Element of Laughter, so don't expect me to be perfect, alright?"
"And don't you expect me to know all of how a proper attorney should behave, agreed?"

The two friends smacked their front hooves together, stirring Cup Cake from the floor. "Deal!"
Carrot Cake, now finished with an order, took his recovering wife into one of the back rooms, calling over his shoulder, "Girls! I don't really think you should stay much longer, you might wake the foals! Besides that, we're pretty busy today, and with Cup Cake still a bit... woozy... I can't have any distractions, alright?" He flicked a hoof towards the door, his eyebrows lowering the closest to anger they could. Rarity chuckled nervously, scribbling a signature onto the bill on top of the most recent plate of pastries, and dragging Rainbow out the door after her.

"Right. Rule number one, don't get kicked out like we just did. I can't think of anything more important for you to know in a court, except maybe- Of course! Come, Rainbow, it's makeover time!"
"No! No, no, no, a million times no! I mean, what does fashion even have to do with the legal system!? Hey, what- Lemme go!"
The rainbow-maned mare put on her grumpy face as she was once again dragged bodily to the Carousel Boutique, floating behind Rarity.
"You know, Rare, I'm thinking about filing a kidnapping claim against you, maybe really test my lawyer skills..."

* * * * *

Massive bamboo plants pointed skyward, the blunted points providing jumping spots for treebound rodents of infinite variety. A small stream gurgled happily as small fish swam through it. Every few paces, a massive, sunset-lit tree loomed over the dirt road, casting great, sweeping shadows for yards. All the wonderful forest scenery was completely wasted on Twilight Sparkle, who was now dragging her back hooves in the dirt behind her. Given her more-than-sufficient size, the two hour trot through the coarse road had punished her severely. "Next... huff... time... I'm teleporting!"
With an accentuated sigh, she collapsed forward, speaking into the earth. "Go on without me, everypony, I'll catch up!"
"No need for that, I can see Halfshell's restaurant from here!" Roundhouse pointed to a small brown building in a clearing up ahead, a small plume of smoke coiling up from the chimney.

"We're about ten minutes away now, Twilight! Five if we gallop! C'mon, push through the pain barrier!"
"Yeah, Twilight! You've gotta fight for it if you really want it!" Pinkie chimed unhelpfully.
Twilight pounded the ground in front of her angrily. It made no sense that Roundhouse and Pinkie were still so hyper after the monotonous trek, but then, she realized, they hadn't carried a seasick baby dragon on their backs for two hours.

"Hey, can one of you take Spike for me? He's really weighing me down." Pinkie Pie nodded, flipping Spike up onto her back, at which point he retched again, charring a wall of bamboo plants. "Bleargh! P-Pinkie Pie, not so rough..."
"Oopsie! Sorry, Spike... Hey, why are you still sick? We've been on land for hours now!"
"Dragons live much longer than ponies do; everything goes slower for us. Seasons, events... sicknesses... The only thing I can think of that won't slow down is hunger. Uh, Master Roundhouse? You're positive that there's not even a little peridot somewhere around here? Hey, where'd he go?"

Further down the path, the three friends could barely make out Roundhouse's form as it sped towards the squat building. Pinkie shrugged, piling nearby grass into a cushion for Spike to rest on. "Don't worry, guys! We can catch up later; ya wanna take a break?" Twilight rolled onto her back, panting and nodding. Spike mumbled his consent, shifting uncomfortably off Pinkie's back while she unpacked the last of the confections from her bag. Once Twilight was rested, Pinkie set a small blue-iced cupcake in front of her.

"There ya go! You look hungry after all that walking!"
"I really am, but didn't I come here to lose weight?"
"Yeah, but you need energy to burn first! Eat up, or you won't be able to practice with us, and if you don't practice, you'll never lose any weight, and then you'll become this big giant Twilight-balloon!"
"Pinkie, I don't think it's going to go that far if I don't practice."
"Give yourself time..."

Twilight stretched onto her back, munching thoughtfully on the pastry. With the general energy level down to plain ol' Pinkie, she had a lot more quiet to think with. "Pinkie Pie, can I ask you some questions?" The party pony poked her in the stomach childishly. "I think you just did! But no, really, go ahead." With that, she lay on her stomach, head held on her hooves. "Ha ha, hilarious. Okay, question one, what did the Princess' letter say to you?"
"Nothing you wouldn't expect a princess not to say. 'Write letters, keep Twilight safe, blah blah blah."
"Keep me safe?"
"Well yeah! Without your magic, do you think you could really handle yourself in a fight?"
"Hey! What makes you think I can't?"
"Twilight, you can't even write your own name by hoof; you'd be next to useless if a brawl broke out!"

The unicorn turned to Spike, silencing him with a glare. "Be that as it may, I bet I could hold my own in a fight."
Pinkie wiped her mouth with the back of a hoof, getting onto her hindlegs. "Wanna do a little sparring to find out?" Twilight turned slightly pale at the idea. "No, no, no. I've seen what you're capable of. Besides, I have more questions."
"Oh, well, that works too."
"Glad to hear it. Let's see... How did you meet Master Roundhouse?"

Pinkie's eyes rolled up in thought. "It was, um... carry the two... around fourteen years ago. After I left my family's rock farm, I sorta just wandered around the Idahoof countryside, doing odd jobs and getting an apprenticeship at a bakery. It was an okay place, but Sugarcube Corner's just so much better! I mean, the roof looks like gingerbread and a sundae and so much yummy stuff! Er, anyways, I worked as a waitress and maybe made the morning breadsticks or a croissant once in a while. Nothing special. One day, a Japony stallion in a cloak came in, asking for something sweet to eat. I don't know if you've been there, but Idahoof only has potato bread. I mean, a lot of potato bread, and none of it was ever that sweet. I was told not to disappoint a customer if I could help it, so I just threw whatever sweet things I could into the dough. I ended up making these weird looking potato cookies! Can you believe it? Cookies, made from potatoes! They were just so ugly, I thought about throwing them away, when the guy in the cloak asked if I could hurry his order. He had somewhere urgent to get to, so I had to give him the cookies. He took one and looked it all over, and ate it! Just like that! I started untying my apron and telegraphing the paramedics to come save him from food poisoning when he said they were the best cookies he'd had in years! He said he was a professional chef and martial arts instructor, and said I should become his apprentice in Neighppon.

"I was so excited, I threw a party for myself! He came by and introduced himself as Roundhouse, and said that my baking skills could help him with his martial arts training. If I gave him the recipe for the cookies, he'd give me a few lessons, and I said yes. And so I left to Neighppon with my new Master, trained for nine years, and moved to Ponyville to make some friends. And two years later, you show up!"

Twilight was now sitting up, listening with interest at every word. "So, you met in a bakery, then he took you to learn to bake, and now you live in a bakery? Does your life revolve around making ponies like me fat?" Pinkie giggled at this proposition. "No, silly filly! I like making everypony smile! Baking's just a hobby, like my Shugakain! Any other questions you wanna ask?"
"Hmmm... Do you ever visit the rock farm any more? Or does the rest of the Pie family come t- Pinkie?"
The bubblegum-coloured mare's mane had fallen totally straight, as though a pane of glass had become fibrous. Her bubbly smile was now an awkward grimace "The, uh, the rock farm's been gone for a few years. The other Pies do visit occasionally, but the time between visits gets longer every time."
"Your farm is gone? What happened?"
"My dad didn't have a perfect memory, or even that good of one. He forgot common knowledge easily. My sisters say that after I left, it was crop rotation time. We moved the granite over a field, the sandstone, all that... He forgot flint makes sparks when you strike it with something, and the coal field was placed near the flint. Inkie and Blinkie said we lost the entire Pie family farm when somepony tripped and their horsehoes struck the flint field..."

Twilight trotted slowly to her friend, putting a comforting hoof around her shoulders. "Wow... I had no idea that happened to your family... I'm sorry, Pinkie."
"Don't be. I'm not crying about it, I'm just kinda... weirded out by it. I mean, our rock farm burned down. Rocks don't burn, do they? I still find it too silly to believe, but I went back to Idahoof one day, and they were right. Everything was just... gone."

"I can imagine that being strange and hard to understand, but you taught me, Pinkie, that some things just happen without any sort of reason. Your family's rock crops burning down is one of those things. Rocks don't just ignite like that. May I ask what happened to your family?" Pinkie nodded, cheering up slightly. "Sure. They all got away safely, and Dad scavenged the fields after the fire died down. A small amount of the gold crop survived, so while our parents worked on building a new house, Inkie and Blinkie moved away. Inkie lives over in Las Pegasus now, and Blinkie moved to Trottingham with some guy she met. My parents are still in our hometown, and the new house is looking nice. We don't have all the crop money we used to have, though, so it's a bit small for them."

Spike, who had been sleeping, awoke with a start. He looked left and right at the chatting mares before panicking. "I'm lost! No, we're lost! We're going to starve- I'll never see another gem again! Oh no... Rarity! Oh will she get by when she hears we starved to death in a dark, dreary forest in another country? Oh, how did this happen!?" Whap! Whap! Twilight slapped him with her tail, restoring his focus and sanity.
"Spike, we're not lost. Master Roundhouse is waiting up in that restaurant just ahead. Now, it's getting late, and it looks like there's an inn over there we can sleep at. I'll go collect Roundhouse and see if I can postpone the training in the restaurant for tomorrow, okay?"

Pinkie, her mane now refluffed, began bouncing towards the restaurant, calling out over her shoulder, "I'll take care of him, you two go get us a room or two, okie dokie lokie?"
"Alright, we'll go make the reservations! See ya there!"
"Uh, Twilight, what's up?"
"Nothing, but I think I tapped a little too deep into Pinkie's mind. She just needs some sugar or something to get her back to normal, so give her some time."
"Uh, okay... I can tell you're not saying something, but I'm not gonna ask."
"Sorry, Spike. Pinkie's acting even stranger than normal right now, and her moods are changing much too quickly. I'm just thinking. Oh, Spike, can any fire you're aware of burn rocks?"
"No, I don't think so. Now, can we go rent a room and sleep? I have no idea how it got so late, and you have work to do tomorrow, so let's move."

Twilight just laughed at the grumpy dragon, turning to wait for Roundhouse and Pinkie Pie. Her wait took little time, as the duo appeared out of thin air just before her, scaring her into falling backward. "Aah! Stop doing that, you two!"
"Sorry, Twilight, but you were thinking and Master Roundhouse said it'd be fun to surprise you- and it was, hahaha!"
Roundhouse shook with laughter, shaking his head. "Miss Sparkle, as much as I respect your introspection, and love making ponies work at sundown, I have to concede that Spike's right; it's too late to think, or even to train. You don't have the sugary energy to stay up as late as Pinkie Pie and I can, so let's all go get some shut-eye."

Thinking of nothing else to say, Twilight strode off to the inn with the two Earth ponies, determined to figure Pinkie out in the morning. Unknown to her, four other ponies would have surprising mornings as well.

* * * * *

It was still two hours to sundown in Ponyville, and Rarity was determined to make them count. Opalescence the cat sat on a chair in front a small cardboard box-turned-stage Rarity had set up, clawing at the excessively long curtain ends that trailed near her. Magically amplified, the white unicorn's voice boomed out: "Presenting the latest in upper-class business wear for the pegasus moderne, Rainbow 'Danger' Dash!"

The curtains glowed blue before retracting, revealing Rainbow in an even more uptight looking ensemble than before. Thin rectangular glasses were perched on her nose, the empty lens slots fooling no one. A brown coat was perched on her back, cyan wings punching through holes and outstretched proudly. A thin white shirt lay underneath, the collar constricting fashionably around her neck. A fine silk tie hung down between shirt and coat, only the knot remaining visible. An imported briefcase had been rushed in moments ago, and now stood on end at Rainbow's side. The entire outfit put Rarity in hysterics.

"Oh, this is magnificent, Rainbow! I say, this is honestly my best work to date! Just look at how professional you appear!" Rarity wheeled in a mirror, and what Rainbow saw made her scream at a glass-shattering pitch. She hovered above Rarity, wings flapping dust clouds and papers around. "A stallion's clothes? Really!? You dress me up as a guy to look good? Rarity, I'm tomboyish, sure, but not a flippin' stallion!"

Rarity's response floored her.

"Yes, but this is just so fitting for you: Rainbow Dash, Attorney at Law! Yes, sounds stallion-like to me!"
"Ughh! Give me classy clothes that won't get me ridiculed! Ooh, you are so going to get it tomorrow when it's prank training time!"

* * * * *

Fluttershy's pale yellow coat was marked with scuffs, dirt, and many small scratches, but the normally timid pegasus did not care. Without a sound, she feinted with a kick before twisting her body as Big Macintosh had taught her, swivelling on one hoof and giving him a firm strike to the ribs. The massive farmer didn't even blink at Fluttershy's attack, but moved back a good two inches from the force. He was impressed at how determined the shy mare had become during her training, a direct contrast to her typical manner. Perhaps, he thought, it was due to a friend being her teacher. Maybe it was because it was someone just as poor at all social communication. Or maybe just because he was gentle. Every mark on Fluttershy's body came not from a strike from Big Macintosh, who could bare-hoofedly pulverize an apple tree, but from a failed attack on her part to make him even flinch. Eventually, she was tired out, but her shyness was nowhere to be seen.

"Whew! That was tiring! How are you not even marked from all that?"
Big Macintosh just shrugged in response.
"Well, if you can teach me to fight without hurting somepony, I'll gladly take the offer. So tomorrow, once the harvesting's done, are we going to keep up the unplanned-attacking-you part, or do we move on to proper buckboxing?"
"Second one."
"Yay! Thanks, Big Mac!"

She gave what portion of him she could encircle a big thank-you hug before trotting away happily, tempted to bounce in a Pinkie Pie manner at finding a nonagressive teacher. From her seat at the small writer's desk, Applejack had been watching them train when the cogs in her head started turning.

"Well, ain't that just the sweetest little thing. Hmm... Big shy tough guy, teeny little shy gal... Applejack, you are truly a genius of the finest class." She cracked her neck before placing a sheet of paper in the typewriter's equinicidal inner workings and striking the keys.

"A-hem! The Soldier and the Flower Girl, chapter one..."

To Be Continued...

Memories in Pink- Sequence One

Disclaimer: I own nopony in this chapter besides Roundhouse and Stumblebee. All other characters copyrighted by their respective owners, probably Lauren Faust, Studio B, or Hasbro. I don't own the cover art; please find out who does. You're not even reading this, are you? I could type a sentence about Wolverine from the X-Men riding a big fiery weasel into battle right now, and you wouldn't notice, would you? Bah, away with you.

Pinkie Pie looked fretfully around the room in which she lay. Hideous ochre walls reflected the tension she felt. Her fears were played back to her by the silence of the room, the only sound being Twilight's quiet breaths beside her and the ticking of the clock. As for her nervousness, this was manifested as her inability to sleep. All the negative feelings she had were in her surroundings, amplifying them into new scales of magnitude. She took the weighty quilt between her hooves, hiking it up a little higher as she turned on her side.

For one of such an incomprehensibly vapid mindset, Pinkie had many thoughts brewing in her head. Without being allowed to prance merrily about, her excess energy went straight to her brain, filling her with all sorts of ideas, comments, and questions without answer. With so many neural firings, she wouldn't be likely to sleep before noon the next day. Sighing, she reached into her mane and pulled out a single wrapped confection of taffy-like chocolate, or perhaps chocolate-like taffy. Nopony really knew quite what the small cylinder of sugar was, but it hardly mattered. She unwrapped it, popping the sweet into her mouth and channelling the calories to her right hoof.

The universe snapped at two points, two tiny dots on the same plane of existence tied together by the snack. A single pink hoof jabbed into the empty room, travelling through un-space and winding up in Sugarcube Corner's medicine cabinet. Rifling around for what she sought took Pinkie no time, and soon enough she withdrew her prize from the dimensions beyond.

A rectangular blue box with an old cartoon pony's head on the end lay clutched between Pinkie's hooves, rattling slightly as she shook it. Three more tablets at least. With some minor fumbling, she pried the pony's head back some, the plastic levers in the device ejecting a sinkle pink tablet of some chalky substance onto her pillow. Although once used by children to tote candies around without soiling them, a clever Pinkie Pie had repurposed the container into a medicine bottle of sorts, containing at most two weeks of her sleeping pills, which by the purest of luck were the same size and shape as the candy that previously filled the cartoon character's head.

Despite the utility of her invention, she struck a problem. Pinkie hated medicines of any sort. She knew well enough from her potato-cookie experiment that good things don't need to taste bad, and the inadequacy of modern medicinal studies to produce a delicious sleeping pill bemused her. Deciding it best not to question it, Pinkie stashed her pills in her mane, tossed the chocolate sweet's wrapper in a bin, and took the bitter tablet down in a single unhappy swallow. She gave a dry cough and began gagging as the medicine, devoid of the spoonful of sugar to aid it, went down. She clamped her lips shut and tried to muffle her distaste before everything slowed down. The pink mare waved a hoof in front of her face, watching the after-image follow.

Yup. The pill was already hitting her, and with a squeak, she hit the pillow, rapidly losing consciousness. Sleep would be welcome for the day that would soon dawn, and with her mind abuzz, drugging herself was the best plan. Her eyes fell shut, and only a few seconds elapsed before light snores started filling the room. Knowing she was now asleep, Twilight opened her eye and cast a quick light charm. A sphere of pale pink werelight that gently graced the room with a soft glow failed to appear. Twilight gave the spell another shot. Nothing happened again, and then it happened a third time. The clock ticked by for nearly a full minute before realization hit her. She apologized to nopony in particular and scooted off the bed, trotting slowly to her bags.

From the bags she pulled a plain olive notebook, a quill, and one of her many bottles of ink. Clumsily taking the quill between her forehooves, she nosed the book open and set nib to page, dictating through force of habit.

"Dear Diary,

"Today was my first day on Neighppon soil (sand?) and already I regret it. Spike's usefulness has not yet become apparent, and his seasickness has thus far rendered him dead weight- dying weight, based on his complains. I expect he should recover from it tonight. Pinkie is acting like herself mostly, but now with added powers I've not yet seen in any kind of magical study. She can't teleport as such, but it seems she and Roundhouse are both capable of faster-than-light movement. Perhaps faster; surely even moving faster than light would still produce an image after the event, but no 'duplicates' appear. This warrants further study.

"The day they've planned tomorrow will be laden with cooking classes. Spike is sure I will kill us all. I honestly don't know what that dragon's problem-" She cut off suddenly. A small whine reached her ear, followed by a short intake of breath. The pile of blankets she'd left on the bed was scrambling fitfully, and she distinctly heard a gasp. Worry began worming its way into her head that Pinkie might be suffocating, and Twilight went to the rescue.

Instead of choking to death, Pinkie seemed to be having nightmares, chewing the blanket in slumbering panic. Twilight gave her a cursory look over for trauma, but she seemed fine. Shrugging and chalking it down to "just being Pinkie Pie," Twilight returned to her journal.

"Where was I? Ah." She reset the quill in her hooves and took her place on the lined sheet. "-is. With two master chefs and an assistant, things can't go wrong. Total weight loss so far is probably negligible, and will remain so for a while, at least until we reach Roundhouse's house. If the house is round, I shall scream. Roundhouse's round house. I sicken myself sometime.

"Life without magic is disconcerting, to say the least. I feel like a large part of myself is missing, like I've lost a leg or something. It's a very cold feeling, one that I hope I'll never need to feel again once all this is done. But more than the emptiness, it's the lack of emptiness I'm feeling. Just earlier, I attempted a simple light spell. I nearly panicked when I realized how little I noticed. How is this possible? How can I feel so empty without noticing unless I focus? How c-"

"Nnrgh... Eek!" Pinkie was spasming under the blankets, her former grunts turning to small shrieks. Twilight grabbed her book and quill, setting both on the nightstand beside the pink mare. With no magic to rely on, Twilight pulled the blanket from Pinkie's head, giving fresh air to the girl. Instead of waking, Pinkie began yelling louder, tears coming to her eyes.

"Pinkie, what's wrong? Pinkie!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Five minutes earlier...

Blackness. Utter, total, complete blackness. From wall to imagined wall, all she could see was the darkness. All that could be seen was a straight rectangle of pink, leading from top to bottom along what Pinkie could see. It wasn't long before she realized it was her hair, straight enough to bend at right angles. She opened her mouth, but the sound came not from her, but around her, assaulting her from all sides.

Wh-where am I? Yaah! Th-that's my voice... Hello? Can anypony hear me? ...Am I dead? Helloooo..? Wait a minute. Pinkie!

Her name resounded around her before trailing off. As soon as she questioned it, more noise came around her. What does it mean? Pinkie was surprised. She didn't even try to say that. She simply thought the words and they-

Thought.

Anything she thought would play around her. It wasn't hard for her to put two and two together. I-I'm in my own mind...

A great calm befell her then, and her mane fluffed itself up just a smidge. With no more reason to fear she lightened up a bit further. The great darkness was there, but it was natural. Trotting along her mindscape gave her time to reflect.

So, I'm in my mind. Mind, mind, mind... Whether or not the echo was deliberate, she did not know. What now? Imagination's not comin' up with anything useful. Stupid waking subconscious dragging me in here! How long until I wake up?

She wandered in circles, holding various conversations with her echo for no reason other than boredom. After what felt like an hour or so a strange light appeared in a far corner, a pinprick of gold in the dark sea. She walked toward it in curiosity, each step pulling her closer and slowly evaporating her body. By the time she reached the light, her legs were gone, and the rest of her was translucent. The very last of her finally slipped away as she moved into the golden sphere.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Back in reality, Twilight had concluded her diary entry and was now choosing between waking Spike for a letter to the Princess, or catching what sleep she could. The clock's last chime denoted one in the morning, a time Celestia sure wouldn't be expecting a letter. Obsession won out, pulling her from the bed to the bathroom. Nudging the door aside, she found Spike laying in the tub, a small pillow stuck on his spines and a battered blue blanket over his shoulders. Twilight couldn't resist a sisterly- or was it motherly?- moment of affection before poking him in the head.

"Hey, Spike. Spike, you up? I need a letter sent. Spike?"

The small dragon was mumbling in his sleep in a way that could be described only as adorable. The very image reminded Twilight so much of his younger years, although his words were to the exact opposite end of the scale.

"Stay... stay back, Lady Rarity... too many zombies... hnnnnrghhhhnnnn..."
"Okay, Spike, no more late-night reading for you."

Smiling, Twilight flicked her gaze to the door, summoning up her will to move it. It would be some time before she remembered her mundanization, and, giving up on the stubborn door, she returned to bed, snuggling deep under the blankets. Pinkie had stopped twitching now, laying perfectly still and mumbling in a whisper. Once more prolonging her much needed sleep, Twilight cocked an ear near Pinkie's lips, barely making out the words she spoke.

"..This one again?"

Confused, the purple mare mentally levitated her notebook back to her. Twenty seconds later, she decided to do it manually. Taking quill in hooves, Twilight leaned closer to Pinkie, transcribing the few words she could make out of her friend's ramblings. What she wrote would serve to pester her for many days.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Pinkie knew the scene well. There was the small wooden gate to the quarry. There was the brick chimney on the house. There was the stout old tree on which she and her sisters had once played. All the old bits of home that she missed.

Of all the memories I could have, why must it be this one again? she thought. Any lamentations beyond that were drowned out by a hen crowing loudly with the rising sun. The hen, who had been filling in for a sickened rooster, was the last piece of evidence Pinkie needed to know precisely when she was.

Three more days...

The door to the house opened inward. Two light gray hooves stepped onto the wooden porch, creaking the familiar creak which came each morning. An aged mare of refinement polished the glasses perched on her nose with a small cloth before grabbing a complicated device from beside a rocking chair. The device was confusing for any non-equine to look at: a massive wooden cup at one end, with a hollow interior and a push-button mechanism. The cup was the base of a long maple frame adorned with two smooth cylinders of metal. A small compartment hidden by the metal bits opened up when tilted, allowing the mare to insert two smaller cylinders, these ones bright red. Satisfied, she pointed the shotgun at the hen, locking it to her hoof and taking steady aim.

"Some of us are trying to sleep!" she yelled before disintegrating the hen in a volley of lead shot and feathery red mist. And so began another day on the Pie farm.

Gemima Pie was a very fancy looking mare. Her eyes were sharp, her glasses buffed to a blinding sheen. Her very walk screamed "royal dignity." It wasn't until you saw her plucking a chicken with her teeth did you realize she was just a noble looking farm girl. Or rather, was. Time had been graceful to her, but had still taken a small toll. Her muscles were as hard and stiff as the rocks she broke to earn her cutie mark.

The loud burst brought up a small squad of fillies and a wizened tan stallion, all looking morosely towards Gemima. She unlocked the gun from her hoof, setting it on her chair before turning to the family. Their unchanging expressions made this part of the day all the worse each time.

"Blinkie, Pinkie, Inkie, Clyde," Each stepped forth in order; an ashen filly with a dark mane, an incredibly pink one identical to the first, a third triplet of purplish-gray, and finally, the mutton-chopped stallion. Gemima continued, "Two hours 'til breakfast is ready, let's see if some work can't be done."

The triplets nodded slowly before splitting their usual way, each headed to a different section of the farm. Blinkie Pie went to push the remains of the latest poultry fatality into the woods. Inkie Pie trudged to a nearby stump defaced with the scars of a thousand axe blows, picking a mouth-hatchet from a pile of logs. Pinkie took a basket with her and headed to the southern fields to pick what there was of the day's crops.

Only Clyde remained in place. He put a hoof to the brim of his hat and peered into the sky. In the household, a clock eerily similar to the one in Twilight's hotel room struck six in the morning. Sure as clockwork, a pegasus stallion appeared as a pinprick on the horizon, gunning toward the ramshackle abode.

On the flat planes of Idahoof, one could see for many miles. Despite the flying stallion's impressive speed, he was still a speck in front of a fluffy white cloud, leagues away. Clyde stepped into the house, biting onto the ashwood handle of his pick and began walking to the quarry. He had some time before the letter arrived, he figured. May as well start trimming the weight of its impact.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Dear Diary, addendum.

"Pinkie's having nightmares of her past, or so I believe. She said she had three days, and then said something about tending the fields. Will write more during the next lull in conversation. Is it really conversation, though, if only one pony is talking and the other is listening? Or would it be a monologue? Whatever.

"She's no longer struggling in the blankets, luckily, and it seems her nightmares or memories stun her into immobility. Only her lips and eyes are twitching, both common indicators of REM sleep. I believe she's reliving her memories and sleeptalking about them- in third-person! This is fascinating!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Another rock broke under a blow from the pointed iron pick, revealing a cache of small purple nubs of crystal. Clyde shifted the pick around and got a good swing with the blunt end, sending the two pieces of stone into a bin marked "Geodes." Ten minutes of hard work had revealed a sizable quantity of gems, perfect for sale. The stoic pony gave a wry look as he beheld the beautiful crystals. Surely objects such as these, he mused, would be worth far more than the paltry sum offered by the Nay's snack food company, if only somepony would take the time to look at them. Instead, his darling wife's namesake was cut, fried, salted, and shipped to the dragon lands. He sighed and gripped the axe once more when a dark gray pony slammed into the stone cliffs of the quarry at half the speed of sound.

Every day this would happen, and everyday the result was the same. The pegasus would pick himself off the ground, rubbing the latest bump rising out from his straw-coloured mane. Then the eyes would open, two sunny yellow orbs that stated in no uncertain terms "Eternal Optimist." The same as every Tuesday, a light gray filly, almost identical to her father, was perched in his mailbag, her eyes watching both him and Clyde, albeit from different angles. She had the same happy grin as the stallion carrying her. The farmer offered a hoof, pulling the mailpony back on his hooves.

"Mornin' Stumblebee."
"Morning, Mr. Pie! Mail for ya!"

Stumblebee nodded and the small filly began rooting around in the bag. Finally, she pulled out a single red envelope, addressed in untraceable block lettering, and passed it to Clyde. He knew what it was, and so did Stumblebee.

"Oh... Um, forgive me if I'm prying, Mr. Pie, but I know what that kind of letter means... Are you having money troubles?"
"Yep... we're losin' money like it's goin' outta style. Got us a loan, but I couldn't read the fine print. You know it's still a legally binding contract even if all the exclusions and provisos and whatnot are written in invisible ink?"
"I see... Anything I can do to help?"

Clyde shook his head sadly, stowing the envelope underneath his hat. "No, I'm afraid not. They're giving us three days to come up with the money, and it's more than the entire farm is worth... I just don't know what to do, Stumblebee."

The small filly in the mailbag flapped her wings carefully, lifting herself from the mailbag and hovering tentatively above it. She slowly moved towards Clyde, offering him a single golden bit. "Will this help?"
"Bless yer heart, missy, that's a mighty kind thing to do, but I'm afraid we need a lot more than that to keep the farm."

In response, she dug into her own miniature mailbag and retrieved the rest of her life's savings. She now offered him a second bit- her entire fortune- and gave a little smile. Clyde was a deeply sentimental pony, and even such a small act of pure kindness made him tear up a little. He pushed the filly's hoof back.

"You're a thoughtful girl, Derpy; don't ever lose that."

With his mail secured, he tilted his hat to Stumblebee and returned to his mining. Stumblebee was not a stupid pony. He took the hint and flapped his way into the clouds respectfully. No child should see a grown pony cry.

On the opposite end of the farm, Pinkie Pie watched her younger self pluck withered carrots from the ground. With every tarnished vegetable, both incarnations of her sighed in unison. Present-moment Pinkie hadn't felt like this in a long, long time. The daily hunger, the back-breaking work, and the constant feeling that things would get worse. The family was thirteen-thousand bits in debt. They had to take turns skipping meals to feed thmselves. And through it all, one thought remained in each pony's head. When are they coming? It was all horror on the tamest, cruelest of levels. Her mother's words would always come to her in dark times, snuffing out those last candles of joy she had lit.

I'm sorry, Pinkamena, it's not your turn for supper today.
No, Pinkie, we can't afford another blanket. Hug up to your sisters if it's too cold.
Pinkie, leave your father alone. He just had a meeting with the bad ponies, and he doesn't want to talk right now.

Every day would come the reminders that theirs was an unhappy life. All day was spent working and working, saving food for later use and pleading with the delegates from Nay's for more pay. Present Pinkie felt tears on her cheek fur, forced by her mind to relive the days her life ended. An eerie mantra began reciting itself in her head to remind her oof the bleak situation.

No one ever played... No one ever talked... No one ever smiled...

The first of the last three days came to an end. The pill-induced stupor broke.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Pinkie bolted upright in the bed, clocking Twilight across the jaw and knocking her to the ground. Both mares shrieked on contact and came away seeing starbursts in front of their eyes. Twilight prepared a reorientation spell but caught her mistake at the last second. Instead, she knelt her head forward and held it in her hooves, biting her lower lip until the world stopped spinning.

"Owowowowow! Geez Louise, Twilight! Your head's as hard as granite!"
"Ooh... It's not my fault! Just be glad you didn't get a horn through your eye!"
"What were you even doing, Twilight? Do you watch me when I sleep?"

The unicorn rubbed her throbbing jaw as gently as she could before answering. "No, I was checking on you. You took some kind of sleeping pill and started having nightmares, and then you started crying. I was writing down what you said, but I couldn't hear some of it, so I leaned in closer. I didn't expect you to wake up like that!"
"Nightmares?"
"Yes, something about carrots and a letter and 'bad ponies' coming in three days. Don't you remember?"

Pinkie brushed her arrow-straight mane from her face, leaning closer to Twilight. The look in her eyes was one of panic.
"Wh-what all did I say?"

Twilight took her notebook in her mouth, opening it to the latest page. "I know you grew up on a rock farm, but you had to eat something. From the carrots and talk about your sisters I guessed you were reliving your foalhood. Am I right?"

Pinkie's eyes were running through line after line of poorly written text. What could be deciphered mentioned her sisters, her tears, and passing references to the bad ponies. The tear streaks on her cheeks grew slightly longer as two fresh drops ran down. Pinkie realized she was crying, wiped her tears away and hooked her still-straight hair behind her ears before turning back to Twilight. Both ponies had wan smiles on.

"Oh, those silly dreams..."
"Pinkie, are you sure they're dreams?"
"Yuh-huh! I have dreams all the time! Sometimes I have dreams where I'm a pegasus! Woosh! I fly across the sky with streamers flowing behind me. I stop on the clouds to-"
"Pinkie, your mane's straight. That only happens when you're really sad or upset, right?"
"It is?"
"Stop playing dumb, Pinkie! What aren't you telling me?"
"Nothing, Twilight! Gosh, are we playing 20 Questions or something? Ooh! You know what we should play?"

Her expectant, if somewhat forced, grin made Twilight relent. Clearly Pinkie wanted to keep these skeletons in the closet, and a good friend respected boundaries, right?

"Alright, I'm sorry for pressing you. I can't sleep tonight, so yes, I'd like to play a few rounds with you." The party pony's mane exploded into a mountain of happy curls.
"But Pinkie?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you make me a Pinkie Promise that you'll tell me if something's bothering you? You sounded kinda worried..."
Flap. Back to straight went the pretty pink curls. Pinkie bit her lower lip nervously before clearing her throat.

"I, Pinkamena Diane Responsibility Pie do hereby promise, under pain of cupcakes in the eye, that I will tell you the second something bothers me; cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!"

Satisfied, Twilight looked around the room for a subject for the game, not noticing Pinkie's back hooves uncrossing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Next time on The Why of Pie...

Pinkie and Twilight start the workout proper with the breakfast crowd at Halfshell's House, but can Twilight avoid burning everything she comes across? Across the seas in Ponyville, four ponies continue their quest to be the best in an inverse world. Applejack's started a new story, but will her friends see the parallels between the written word and the real world? Can Rainbow Dash learn Canterlotian law in time for her next class? Will Fluttershy's first practice match against another pony be the end of her? And most importantly, will the beautiful Rarity charm the children to her way of humour?

Find out next time on DragonBall P!

...Spike, mate, stop that. This story doesn't need narration, especially not partway through the story. Nopony's even going to like this. Go away. As for you readers, I apologize for the time delay and the brevity of this chapter. Grand Galloping Gamer took all my writing mojo, and by the time I got it back, I simply had to write Rotten to the Core. Y'all tell me which of my three series you wanna see next in the comments, okie dokie lokie?