Princess Derpy Cometh

by lunabrony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 4407

For months now, Princess Celestia has been painstakingly planning the ascension of a valued member of the community. Unfortunately, something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.

-Alternate events DURING Magical Mystery Cure-

A moment three years in the making, it's at last come time for Princess Celestia to choose the next Princess of Equestria. Everything has been planned out, the planets aligned, the proper paperwork submitted.

It was supposed to be so easy, so simple.

How did things end up like THIS?

Created, Written, Edited and Revised by Lunabrony and Leonhard

Published 2014-08-12 01:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-20 00:25:58 UTC

Behold, Behold!

The chosen who entered this place would see a blue star-filled void. Its very existence known to few, It was known as the celestial realm. A place above and beyond the normal precipice of life, where otherwise impossible things became possible. Here, a line of stars formed a single pathway. A pathway that seemed to have no beginning and no end.

On this pathway stood the regal Princess Celestia, alone in the serene surroundings, waiting. She had been patiently waiting a long time for this. No shortcuts had been taken to arrive at this moment. At last it had come. Now she only had to wait a little longer.

She had felt the cataclysmic releases of energy. Far away in Canterlot she had felt it. All unicorns across Equestria had. An otherwise inaccessible doorway, one that so rarely was opened, had been unlocked by the magic of friendship in one of its finest moments.

A historic moment in time was now approaching. A moment which she and Luna had painstakingly planned for. She was coming. All Celestia had to do was find her. Find her, and tell her how truly proud she was was.

"This time it succeeded." Celestia thought to herself. "Out of all the prospective candidates across the centuries, so many filled with ambition and greed, all with talent, none with love or friendship. Finally one of the many had proven she could be leader of all."

Celestia was proud of the achievement this pony had accomplished. Yet at the same time she was also wondering whether she was doing the right thing. It was all so sudden. It was a lot to dump on her student unexpectedly, without even asking. Yet it was clear that she had proven herself worthy, and the solar princess, as well as the lunar, had every confidence that she would rise to the occasion. So many trials had been overcome and so many challenges had been won through this pony’s leadership.

By the decisions of fate, only the right pony could be let in, and only the right pony could ascend to this highly esteemed, empowered, enthroning position of authority. And today the time had come for that to happen.

It had to be someone humble, someone graced with the dignity of a true leader, who would never look to her own glory, but only to her little ponies. Who could receive it as a gift given, not taken. Only the worthy could possibly make it this far, and not on their own.

In the distance, a shimmering diffuse bubble appeared. The waiting was finally at an end and Celestia approached. Already she had chosen her words: a speech she had prepared for many, and uniquely adapted for this one, the song already on her lips.

"Congratulations, I knew you could do it," Celestia thought. She blinked, closing her eyes for a moment. This was the culmination of a long journey.

"You've come such a long, long way…" she began to sing, already magically summoning the memories of the pony in front of her: kindness, laughter, generosity… Determination? Accidents?

...Bubbles?

Suddenly an all too excited voice called out, piercing the ethereal glow of the mystic realm.

"Hi Princess!"

Celestia's eyes snapped open, and she stared into the cross-eyed face of one of her little ponies. The last pony she had ever expected to see here.

Derpy Hooves.

It took her a little while to summon the name, but it came to her. And for once, the millennial ruler of Equestria who through centuries had spoken fearlessly to dragons, armies and tempestuous crowds, was speechless.

"Derpy Hooves? What are you doing here?" Celestia asked, after she had recovered from the shock. She looked around hopefully. "Did you by any chance come with somepony else?" Such an act was impossible, the trip designed for only one, but part of her dared to hope. Nopony else was there, nopony but the two of them, as far as the eye could see.

Derpy considered it as she looked upwards into the vista of stars, looking at all the pretty lights. For a moment, Celestia thought she'd have to ask again, but Derpy answered on her own. "I don't know… I was in the library… the others were singing, did I win a prize?"

A mild panic was rising within Celestia. Something had gone very wrong. This was not what she had expected. She summoned all her patience to ask a pivotal and important question, as calmly and motherly as she could.

"Derpy, how did you end up here?" Celestia was thinking, quickly, her thoughts reaching out towards her student, whose presence was not in the ethereal realm. Not anywhere here. It did not make sense. The door had opened! It had! She knew it had, she had felt it, and nopony else could get here but those for whom it had opened. How could it have opened for Derpy? Could she really have been the one who had done it in the end? She pressed forward cautiously, intent on finding some answers. "Miss Hooves, are you alright?" Celestia asked. "I thought you were content to be a humble mail pony?"

Derpy looked insulted. "Male pony? You know I'm not a male, I'm a mare! Why does everypony think I sound like that? I would think you of all ponies would know better than that!"

Celestia shook her head, clearing a mind that was having a hard time processing this turn of events. "No Derpy… that's not…" She used her royal Canterlot breathing exercises to calm herself. "How did you get here?" She asked again, more insistent this time.

"Well..." she began, putting a hoof to her chin. "I was delivering mail to Fluttershy, only she wasn't telling jokes anymore, so I went to Rainbow Dash, only she wasn't at her cottage, so I went to..."

Celestia had followed her student, as best as possible from her vantage point, and had seen Twilight accidentally cast Star Swirl's unfinished and fairly broken masterpiece. Her student had done excellently; she had realised the essence of friendship, and started to use that knowledge to help her friends one by one. Derpy must have been right behind them the whole time. "Right before you got here," she insisted. "What happened?"

"I found her!" Derpy exclaimed with a certain sense of pride. "Twilight! She was in the library! Twilight was talking, and I wanted to give the letter to Fluttershy. There was a lot of bright lights, I bumped into someone...” she stopped and tilted her head. “Are you okay, Princess?"

Celestia was sweating nervously, her breathing became faster and she summoned a single viewing frame to the outside present world in Twilight's library. There, six confused mares stood around a scorch mark. Bubbles, burned into the ground. Her eyes widened.

"No." She gasped, mental gears clicking into place.

How much time did she have? Quickly her mind wrestled with how to fix this, undo it, stop it, or at least slow it down. She desperately tried to come up with a way to rethread the magical spool that was rapidly unwinding, as if knocked across the room by a playful cat. Destiny had made its choice, and it was the wrong one!

"Look princess, I'm flying!" She heard above her.

With that announcement Celestia turned around, in pure panic, looking up to see Derpy lifted upwards by the magic. They'd wasted too much time. The process had already begun.

"Derpy! Come down from there at once!" Celestia called out.

"I don't know how!" Derpy called back. The stars around her floating body started glowing as white ethereal swirls of light danced around her, tickling her wings, spinning around every limb, going into and through her very being. Awakening parts of her soul she didn't even know she had. Imparting new natures to her that she lacked.

"No, not now, not her, not this!" Celestia was shivering with fright. She could feel the cataclysmic forces of the elements draining into Derpy, as if a plug had been pulled from a bathtub. This shouldn't have happened. She felt powerless. A younger self inside of her wanted Luna by her side, right now. To help if she could, but mostly for comfort.

They both had their disagreements about this move, and in this very moment, Celestia wished she had listened to her sister. At least this once.

Lights burst forth everywhere around her. And she sank down on her rump. It was too late. Nothing could have been done.

Destiny had spoken: Princess Derpy cometh!

Back in Ponyville, in front of the library, the bearers of the Elements of Harmony stood in despair. Twilight was desperate; she wasn't sure what was supposed to have happened, but the annihilation of that grey pegasus wasn't it. And she had a sinking feeling something terrible had gone wrong.

"Oh this is horrible, what have I done? What have we done? What will Celestia think?!" The spell was fueled by the good wholesome powers of friendship; they weren't supposed to destroy, and if they hadn't destroyed it, then what had it made them do?

"It wasn't yer fault, 'twas an accident, Ah reckon nopony there could've seen that mare coming," Applejack said, trying to be reassuring.

There on the ground outside lay the letter that Derpy had insistently tried to deliver, and dropped on her way in. Perhaps it contained a clue. It shimmered with a purple aura as Twilight lifted it up for them to read. It unfolded and they gazed upon its contents.

"Come on, what does it say?" asked Rainbow Dash impatiently.

"Don't let us stand here waiting, darling." Rarity joined in.

All of them leaned over Twilight's shoulder to read the words which may have assisted in changing the course of history in all of Equestria from here on.

The fateful words began:

Dear Ocean Breeze,

Fluttershy's face fell. "It's not even meant for us? Oh my, I hope Ocean Breeze isn't expecting it any time soon, poor pony. I can't even imagine what it'd be like waiting for a letter that never comes."

At this, Pinkie Pie looked at Rainbow Dash, in a glance that was almost accusing. "It's the worst," the party pony confided.

In the starry sky above them, a single star exploded into a bright nova and a cutie mark of pure heavenly symbolism; two large bubbles and five smaller ones appeared and began descending towards the ground.

The bright light surrounded them, and for a moment nopony could see anything.

"Celestia, is that you?" Asked Twilight, hopefully.

As the light died down, a single silhouette could be seen. At first the vortexes of swirling mist hurt the eyes of those who looked at it, but a prominent figure gradually became visible. A figure that most residents of Ponyville, or even Canterlot for that matter, would recognize immediately. Then it became clear that it was actually, unmistakably Derpy. She stood up clumsily looking fairly woozy. In an attempt to unfurl her wings, she got out the right one first. It was a large and regal looking wing, and its weight threw her onto her side. The other wing finally announced itself like a flag.

"Hi guys!" She waved in goofy fashion. "My head feels funny." she said, and shook her head before getting back up.

Everyone was speechless. Derpy had grown wings uncommonly graceful for the uncommonly graceless town clutz. All eyes became transfixed upon the slender grey horn on her forehead, and the horrible significance of its presence.

"Derpy…" Fluttershy began.

"Why… why you look just like a princess!" Rarity announced, saying exactly what everypony was thinking but too afraid to verbalize.

"That's because she is one." Celestia admitted, mildly confused herself, as she walked in from behind. She didn't like this situation at all, but she had a job to do regardless.

"What the huh?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, while the majority of the other ponies gaped with open mouths.

"Hold on a second!" Pinkie Pie replied, before drinking a glass of water and spitting it out theatrically.

"Wowsers, a horn! Twilight, will you teach me magic?" Derpy asked happily, poking at the horn that graced her forehead. It was slightly longer than a regular unicorn horn, which implied, Twilight realized, that it had significant powers.

"No!" She replied quickly. Derpy as a pegasus had caused more holes, in more roofs, walls, hedges, flowerbeds, and the occasional muffin cart than the entire town’s population of pegasi put together. With magical powers as a new dimension to the things that could go wrong, there was no telling what might happen.

Derpy's face fell.

"Pssst, Twilight..." Rainbow Dash whispered. "Do you think its a good idea to let her figure out magic on her own?"

This was getting scary. She looked to Celestia for help, but found a similar gaze looking back at her. There weren't any easy answers, and no hints of a solution.

Twilight began hesitatingly. "Sure, uh, a new magic buddy. We'll have you do spells in-"

"Safe spells." Fluttershy added quickly.

"Yes! That's it! Safe spells, very safe spells." Twilight was thinking of the safest spells she knew, like making a pillow levitate, stacking pillows, summoning and teleporting pillows very short distances, fluffing pillows, heating a pillow, pillow cannons...

Derpy looked confused. "But I don't have any valuables. Even if I do manage to cast a safe spell, what would I do with a safe?"

Rainbow Dash facehoofed and turned to Celestia. "Why did she turn into a princess! Of all the ponies in Ponyville, why her?" Her voice was just low enough to prevent Derpy from hearing it.

Twilight had an idea of who the intended pony had been, and it left a bitter feeling in her stomach, and gave her sympathy for her mentor.

Celestia began the speech she had planned, and was now adapting on the spot for a huge crowd of ponies who had gathered, all wanting an explanation for what they were seeing. Twilight would understand who the real receiver was, but this had to be done. There was nothing else to do.

"Since coming to Ponyville…" she paused, and looked sympathetically to Twilight. "She has displayed charity, compassion, devotion, integrity, optimism and of course, the leadership of a true princess."

Twilight got a tear in her eye, she wanted to rush over and hug her mentor in the middle of this tragedy.

Celestia was wondering whether she could steal away at an opportune moment, and realised that the very first pony she would have to talk to, would be the pony who had clearly advised her not to do this. Luna had been forgiven her crimes, and could in return forgive many more, but Celestia was wondering whether this would stretch even her restored sisters limits of mercy.

"Really, I did all that?" Derpy said happily, a proud blush on her cheeks. She had waited a long time to be told that she had done something good, and now it was coming all at once.

There was muttering in the crowd, ponies were in disbelief.

Celestia nodded to Twilight 'follow my lead' and starting with her, spreading as wave from the front to back. All ponies bowed down to Derpy.

Looking out at the crowd of subservient ponies in front of her, Derpy was initially confused at the genuflect of respect she was receiving. Her front legs began to bend, and her head was lowering towards the ground in emulation before she received a harsh nudge from Celestia's oversized wing.

"No, you stand." Celestia hissed.

"Oh, okay!" Derpy said cheerfully, and rose to her full height once more, a size which had expanded by at least an inch or two in recent moments.

The preparations had been hectic. The formerly prepared banners for Celestia's protegé, had been dumped. The new ones bore every sign having been sewn rapidly, and almost carelessly. White bubbles stitched onto grey fabric, the seams coming apart here and there.

All guests stood with bubble wands, and filled the air with shimmering soap bubbles. Beyond the doors outside of the coronation chamber, Princess Derpy bided her time playing with the bubbles, trying to leap and catch them. The Master of Ceremonies, an elderly earth pony, told her for the twelfth time that this was important and to act accordingly.

Derpy stood at attention, it was important, she knew. It was just too hard to keep focus, when she had to wait back here and look at a door.

Celestia began the coronation speech she had prepared, as best as possible. Each word was effort in itself. It was all on her, things were falling apart and if ponies were to have any confidence left in the Equestrian royalty and the selection of its members, it was up to her to hold the slender threads together.

"We are gathered today in celebration of a momentous occasion. To celebrate a pony who…" She searched desperately, picking among the alternatives she had, deciding between them, trying them each on Derpy for size. There could no compromise on either truth, or her universal knowledge of her little ponies. "…more than anyone has tried her hardest to be what she is not…" It couldn't be impossible, no pony was a completely without any worth, and many good things could be said about Derpy. Yet not much exemplary. "...stood tall in the face of failure and has kept on trying to overcome her limits. She is the face determination."

"I hope I get to meet her. She sure sounds nice!" Derpy said behind the doors.

A choir singer facehoofed. One of many. The Master of Ceremonies reminded Derpy quietly and patiently, who was being coronated today.

"-and today in Ponyville the fates came together-" Celestia continued, and bit her tongue on 'admittedly in strange ways', electing to leave that part out. "And we have been shown that Derpy Hooves is without any doubt…" It was getting harder and harder to say this, the words slowed down, but she elegantly forced herself to continue. "...ready to be crowned Equestria's newest princess."

The crowd had long parted along the grey carpet, one that been found, demothed and rolled out in preparation for this.

"Fillies and gentlecolts, may I present for the very first time, Princess Derpy Hooves!" Celestia announced, with her air of calm regality under the threat of disruption.

The doors opened up, Derpy was blushing, yet walked stiffly and mechanically, with a proud and determined look on her face, in what she at least believed to be a solemn and important walk.

Now Princess Derpy cometh!

Behold, behold!

A Princess here before-"

The sound of a pony face-planting on the carpet, cut the singing in half like an axe blade through a wooden block. Princess Derpy had tripped over her bubble wrap dress. The popping noises from the dress filled the air of the otherwise now silent coronation room.

"My bad!" She called out and stood up proudly. "I'm okay!"

Hesitantly the choir restarted, and Derpy got back up to speed. Everyone followed the stiff legged pony as she marched triumphantly towards the thrones.

Princess Cadence, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, all three of them had gotten a lot of practice in smiling throughout their lives, under all sorts of public circumstances, to all ponies but those who deserved to fear them. This is talent taught through practice, and much patience, all of which came to its ultimate test, when Twilight levitated the crown studded with large glass baubles onto Princess Derpy's head.

Twilight rejoined the rest of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, and sent Celestia another look of sympathy and support.

Together the princesses of Equestria with their newest member walked out onto the balcony. To be met by hesitant cheering, by the multitudes who had gathered in the square below.

"They seem to be expecting something." Luna said hinting at the proper course of the ceremony to Derpy.

Derpy's ears stood up; A princess wanted her advice of what to do here: a royal decree surely, something significant. She had failed at so many things, but she realized this was important, she couldn't fail now. She just wasn't sure what to do.

Cadence understanding more than Luna, advised Derpy. "You should say something to them."

Derpy brightened, that was easy. "Something!" she shouted and waved. There was some sparse clapping.

Luna's right hoof hit her forehead so hard, it produced a slap that could be heard by the crowd below. Her glare reached Celestia, silently accusing her sister. This is your fault, elevating somepony to alicornhood was your bright idea.

Celestia was taking it calmly as she watched the new princess floundering through the coronation speech. It was only to be expected in this situation. Derpy, one of her little ponies, had been thrust from having to apologise most of the day, to being venerated and having to give an address to a large crowd. It wasn’t something Celestia expected her to do well all of the sudden. And a clumsy coronation speech would soon be forgotten. Then she’d find something safe for Derpy to do... ruling a warehouse full of pillows perhaps.

She nudged her sister gently, speaking softly, the crowd would only see sisterly affections. “Don’t be worried sister, it’s her first time, I have every confidence that she’ll learn eventually.”

“I’m less than confident about this, she’ll need someone to write her speeches and a full time speech therapist to teach them to her, if that can do it at all.” Luna whispered behind gritted teeth, though she had resumed her smile.

Celestia was genuinely surprised by the bitterness of Luna. “Good suggestion dear sister, she can have yours.”

That quip suitably mollified Luna.

Derpy heard the regal sisters’ mutual jabs. She wasn't a foal, she realized she had messed up the opening and offered again, this time deciding to say something really princessy.

"Uhm… I hereby declare…"

Celestia instantly woke up, and tried to cut off the new princess before it was too late. Unfortunately it was too late.

"That this day shall be Muffin Day! Muffins for everyone!” Derpy cheered.

Celestia patiently gazed down at the newest princess. "We would need a lot more staff for that," she said calmly, wondering whether even the fairly extensive grain and sugar reserves of Canterlot had enough for at least two muffins per pony in all of Equestria. It wasn't declaring a day a muffin day which was a problem, she’d have granted almost anything like this to Derpy, it was the promise of muffins.

The hesitant cheering had turned into a roar, they approved of more sweets. All in all it could have been worse, Celestia decided. It wasn't unsalvageable, and she had been quite prepared for Twilight announcing a book reading holiday as well, and the subsequent rebudgeting of royal finances to allow for the building of more libraries.

“And Muffin Day it shall be.” She called in, putting a proud wing on Derpy’s back. Time to take the reigns from the new princess and finish off the speech graciously created for her. “Celebrated by the baking of muffins and-”

“Free muffins!” Derpy added happily. It was an important detail.

Luna snorted, and Celestia almost lost her patient smile.

“I… think I’ll have to overrule that Princess Derpy, that’s a lot of muffins.”

Derpy’s ears fell, it had seemed like such a good idea. And she knew the ponies would be disappointed. She would have been as well, if somepony had promised her free muffins, and Celestia told her she couldn't have them. However she wasn't so dumb that she’d argue against Celestia; she could take a hint, and Celestia was still the most princess a princess could be. She had started the mess of a speech and it was time to do what she had a lot of experience with: apologizing.

“Sorry everypony, no muffins at all on Muffin Day.”

“No free muffins on Muffin Day.” Celestia added quickly, to prevent the impression of a ban.

Overhearing this, a nearby member of the press began shouting. "Extra! Extra! Dissent amongst princesses at coronation! Extra! Extra! Bakers panic as sudden surge in muffin demand sweeps across Equestria! Extra! Extra! Muffins banned?"

Celestia groaned. It had begun.

"Wait what day is it again?" Derpy asked the entire crowd. She wouldn’t want to forget that day.

"It's Moonday, the day after Sunday." Luna replied. She was not amused.

Cadence shook her head, while Celestia was panicly trying to spindoctor the event in front of the press. Trying to dampen the severity of what Derpy had implied. Behind them new laws, decrees and statements were already written down.

Muffin day had come.

Twilight stood like a statue, starring at the scene in abject horror. She couldn't do anything, her throat had closed, there was nothing to be said, no way to undo what had been done, even Starswirl the Bearded couldn't dealicorn an alicorn. She felt trapped, she couldn't even move, her eyes simple looked as the events unfolded before her eyes.

Rainbow Dash shook her. "Twilight."

She wanted to say something but couldn't, and couldn't move her eyes.

"Twilight, stop it, Twilight? Twilight? Wake up."

Twilight woke up and looked around, confused for a moment. A half finished roll of parchment was stuck to her face, it slid down, revealing a still unfinished coronation speech. As she sat up, she rubbed her temples, and became aware of some cramped nerve endings in limbs on her back, that hadn't been there awhile ago.

She looked back and saw her wings twitching, and a guard gently poking her with a hoof.

It had all been a dream.

"Its time for your coronation Princess, the Master of Ceremonies is expecting you." He said with encouragement tinted with reverence and respect. "We're all ready to see what you'll do."

Twilight gulped, this could either go really well, or really badly. She felt like a clutz, this was all new and foreign to her. She just hoped no one would hate her for what happened, good or bad.

The princess stood up and left the speech behind, deciding on that note to skip rehearsing on the way to the coronation chamber. With her friends at her side, she knew she could wing it.