Chapters Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 1: And That's the Game (New)
AGENT CON MANE
“And that, my dear gentlecolts, I believe is the game”
The slap of cards on the table was final. The impressive row of three aces seemed to smirk just as proudly as the pony who payed them. He beamed in smug satisfaction as the other three ponies at the small, round table allowed their cards to fall unceremoniously from their hooves. Predictable as ever, he thought as he gathered their bits into his pile. He checked the watch strapped to his left hoof. The game had finished even more quickly than usual. This was good, as it would allow him more time to read that novel he was working on so that he could still have his lunch promptly at one fifteen.
Initially, he had been wary of the ridiculous notion of a weekly game of cards. It would cut too deeply into his morning procedures and that would throw his entire day off balance. However, he had to admit that he found the company of the other three ponies to be surprisingly stimulating.
He took a deep breath of the sour smoke wallowing in the modestly lit gentlecolts’ club. The three other stallions across from him smiled in light of their defeat. The purple Earth Pony with the balding mane took the initiative in gathering up the cards to rebuild the deck while the pure white Pegasus in golden armor beside him was already counting the remaining bits in his satchel. No doubt he was disappointed in the results as he uncomfortably scratched his blue mane which was still matted and messy from the golden helmet that sat on the desk next to him. The third stallion, another Earth with a dark green coat and disheveled pepper grey mane, look particularly none too pleased about losing yet another hoof.
“Got me again, Time Table. I swear to Celestia, one of these days I’ll get you at cards yet.”
Time Table chuckled heartily as he glanced down at his watch again. The Pegasus must have decided that he could afford another game as he was already dealing out the cards across the table. Unfortunately the other two companions did not seem all too interested in another round, particularly the green coated professor. A pity, but Time Table could not afford another game as his work demanded punctuality.He took a quick swig of water to finish off his glass, then made a showing of checking his watch one last time, despite the fact that he knew perfectly well what it said.
“Ah, look at the time.” He scooted out of his seat and nodded politely at his companions. “I’m sorry, but I must go. You know how it is. Order a round of cupcakes for me, will you, Professor?”
The Professor dismissed Time Table’s jibe at his sugar intake and waved the dark brown Earth Pony off with a nonchalant wave and disinterested grunt. The Pegasus, however, politely stood up and shook Time Table’s hoof goodbye. He always was a good chap.
“Must you break off this time every evening?” The soldier asked.
“Sorry, Chief.” Time Table shook his head in apology at the guard’s plea. “The office puts in a call for me everyday around this time.”
“Just hurry back before the cards get cold.” said the Professor. Time Table couldn’t help but notice his friend’s suddenly improved disposition. No doubt, the thought of the departure of the greatest threat at the table emboldened him. The sly smile on the Professor’s face betrayed the gears that were turning in his head like clockwork-- which reminded Time Table that he could not afford to delay another second.
“Twenty minutes.” Time Table tossed the Professor with an accusing glance. “And don’t try any dirty tricks while I’m away.”
Proud of himself for that final remark, Time Table made his way out of the gentlecolts’ club and into the blaring Janeighcan sun. As he dug for his sunglasses in his coat pocket, he couldn’t help but note how beautiful the day was. The sun rose that morning at precisely five thirty nine, which was uncharacteristically early for this time of year. Still, he made sure that he had his coffee at the usual time of five twenty and was out trotting to the club at six sharp.
He continued to trot along the beach side road, just as he did every morning since arriving in Janeighca some several months ago. Time Table had grown to love the tranquility of Janeighca. It was a perfectly peaceful island. The local weather Pegasi kept to their forecasts rather diligently. It was mostly for the tourists’ sake, but Time Table greatly appreciated the simplicity of it all. The same high breeze was rustling the same palms trees as they were yesterday and the day before that. The breeze coolly embraced him like the old friend he had become.
His pace was brisk, but not hurried. He had walked the route between his home and the club so many times that he had the timing down to a science. He would arrive promptly ten minutes before the call from his office would come in as it did every day on the dot. He rounded the same old corner where the same old cat enjoyed taking his same old nap and along the way, he happily waved to the same old ponies. There was never much variation in the ponies that he encountered on his walks and so he could confidently give them their daily how-do-you-do by name. They, in turn, would give their same old greeting back.
He made his way down to forty second street. This neighborhood was always quiet at this time of morning. Once again it was perfectly peaceful save for one discrepancy. Parked outside one of the humble homes was the unmistakable image of a long black hearse. A reserved pony dressed in a respectful suit was tied to the reigns. Time Table’s heart went out to whatever poor soul that cabby had come to collect.
Time Table smiled meekly as he stepped to the side to allow room for the fellow to pass. The blind pony’s hearing must have been quite acute, as he stopped just before Time Table and, while still looking straight ahead into his empty vastness, smiled, revealing a single gold tooth that glittered in the sun.
“Bit for the blind?” the other pony asked with a weathered rasp.
Caught in a sudden spotlight, Time Table cleared his throat. This unparalleled stop was already eating too much into his time and continuing on now would not just be rude, but downright uncivil, and so Time Table counted two bits and dropped them into the tin with a ting. He had to admit the sound came with a sense of accomplishment, as did the poor pony’s “Tankya.”
“A pleasant day to you, friend.” Time Table stuck out a hoof for a shake, but then awkwardly withdrew it upon realizing his mistake. The gesture transitioned into wiping some non-existent dust off his foreleg which was of course what he originally intended to do. He quickly glanced down at his watch and realized he had spent far too much time dealing dawdling, and so he absentmindedly nodded at the stranger and continued on his way down the alley.
Time Table looked up towards the sun that hung majestically in the clear blue Janeighcan sky. Charity was quite rewarding. The mellow heat beat down upon him as if it was Princess Celestia herself patting him on the head and telling him ‘job well done.’ He gave a small, but meaningful salute to his delusion and thanked her for the praise. Of course humility forbade him from accepting the rather large sum of jewels that his daydream depiction of the Princess offered up to him, but it would be rude to refuse the title of knight that was so graciously granted for fulfilling his humble duties.
Time Table’s mental wanderings were rudely cut short when something suddenly collided into him from behind. The force almost sent Time Table spiraling to the pavement. He could not look back to see exactly what had ran into him, as his attention was focused solely on the knife that was now sticking from underneath his right foreleg, held in place by a firm hoof. Panicked confusion warped his mind as his body was engulfed in a chilling numbness. A churning maelstrom in his stomach forced him to his knees. The hoof holding the knife in place maliciously twisted the blade. Time Table tried to cry out in pain, but all that escaped his lips was gurgle and spit. He instinctively grasped at the wound and a stream of blood trickled onto his hooves. His vision doubled and blurred. Every breath he attempted to take ground the blade against his bones. He opened his mouth to scream again, but the scream was hopelessly drowned out by the blood that sputtered out. In hopeless desperation, he tried to turn his head to see the face of his assailant, but his body would not obey. His eyes saw nothing but white. He couldn’t feel the warm, sun drenched ground beneath him. His mind wandered to the Princess awarding his well earned rank. To the card game winnings he would not enjoy. And finally, as his closed his eyes to the encroaching darkness, he lamented the fact that he was going to be late.
The blind pony, drenched in blood, looked down upon his work and smiled as he stared at Time Table’s corpse. He looked at the blood drenched knife in his hoof, glistening in the sun. He was amused by how strikingly red it was. He rasped a weathered laugh through his grin adorned with the single gold tooth. After admiring the body a few seconds more, the killer whistled sharply through his teeth.
In the distance he heard the trotting of his partner accompanied by the ricketing squeaks of old wheels. A hearse driven by a well dressed driver turned the corner into the alleyway and stopped before the body. The driver looked around nervously, sweat pouring down his face.
“Is he dead?” The driver asked. The killer nodded proudly, his smile wide and glistening. “Good. Hurry, hurry!”
The killer picked up Time Table’s body and dragged him to the back of the hearse. He opened the doors and chucked the heavy sack of meat into the wagon. The body rolled and twisted like discarded marionette.
“Quickly!” The driver whispered in frantic paranoia. “Get in before somepony sees us!”
The killer hopped into the back of the hearse with the body and closed the doors behind him. “Hoof on it!” he said. The driver reared back and galloped the hearse out of the alley, leaving only drips of blood behind.
Time Table was late. This thought ate away at his secretariat’s nerves as she paced across the rug. He was never late. He couldn’t be late. Time itself would freeze and all of Equestria implode in on itself before he would even consider being late. However, she thought to herself as she once again nervously glanced at the front door of their home, he was late. Where was he? What is he doing? Did something happen to him? The secretariat discarded this last question just as quickly as it came. Instead, her mind ran various scenarios in an attempt to reason, to justify, to make sense of the situation in order to appease the knot in her lower throat.
Perhaps he nearly lost track of the time? The secretariat laughed at the absurdity. This was Time Table. The pony who couldn’t go thirty seconds without glancing at his watch. Perhaps something more urgent came up? Or something beyond his power prevented him from coming home? Maybe he had the runs? The secretariat was unaware of how fast she was pacing until she almost tripped over the rug.
She took a long deep breath. Time Table was late and that was just something she had to accept. Worrying why wouldn’t accomplish what needed to be done. The call was likely already coming in. The ponies at Canterlot had become accustomed to routine. Tame Table’s routine.
She walked over to the bookshelf that sat in the corner of the study. The books were piled into the shelf wall to wall, organized and arranged to be aesthetically pleasing. However, the late morning light from the window on the far side of the room emphasized the amount of dust that accumulated over most of the books. This annoyed the secretariat greatly and she never understood how a pony that neurotic about organization and precision could be so averse to dusting.
There was one row of books, though, that did not have a layer of dust. They were pristine and showed signs of daily use. The secretariat made a quick glance at the window. It was far enough away from the bookshelf that nopony would be able to see it if they were just passing by, and the blinds were open just enough to allow the light to enter. As further insurance, a wild bush was planted just outside the window. She could see the shadow of the bush’s leaves dancing beyond the blinds.
She then took one final instinctive glance towards the entrance. She still desperately hoped that Time Table would walk in just in time. He would be apologize profusely, shaking his broken watch, or presenting her with some sort of appreciative gift that took longer to prepare than estimated. Perhaps a bouquet?
Feeling the knot reform, the secretariat turned her attention back to the bookshelf. she pulled on the side of the wood and the entire shelf, books and all, swung forward on a pair of hinges. The shelf was actually a secret compartment. The books were actually not books at all, just cleverly disguised decorations on the front of a skinny, flat board. Within the compartment behind the fake shelf was a machine. It was a simple looking machine with a pair of dials beneath a set of gauges monitoring frequency and signal strength. Sitting next to the machine, attached by spiraled cord, were a pair of large headphones with attached microphone.
A flip of the dial and the needles danced. She clutched one of the headphones to her ear and the microphone close. She could hear the sound of clicking tape. A constant ticker tacker to remind her that her voice was being recorded. Still no sign of Time Table, she gulped hard. Would the tape catch that?
“W6N. W6N. This Janeighca calling Canterlot. How do you hear me? Over.”
The silence before the reply felt eternal. Her heart beat in sync with the rapid ticking tape.
“This is Canterlot. We are receiving you.” The voice was clear, regimented. The pony on the other end showed no signs of being suspicious. Of course there was no reason he would be. She was just being silly, she told herself with a deep, calming breath.
“This is Janeighca. Stand by to transmit. Out.”
A flip of a switch put the transmission on standby. She carefully placed the headphones back on the shelf and wondered how much time she had bought as she mindlessly closed the fake bookshelf. She knew it wouldn’t take long for the ponies on the other end to get impatient. No doubt her future was filled with sessions of angry questions and lectures about proper protocols. And of course Time Table would get out without such troubles. His reprimand would be nothing more than a stern ‘don’t let it happen again.’ The luxury of being a favored pet, she supposed. Well it wasn’t fair that she would have to get the blame every time something went wrong. If Time Table ever gets back... When he gets back, she would have to give him a proper piece of her mind.
That’s when her fantasies were halted. She glanced over at the window on the far side. The shadow of the bush leaves still danced behind the blinds. Had she imagined it? She could have sworn she saw a flicker of the window light in the corner of her eye. A bird taking off from a branch more than likely. Despite her attempts to force the thought from her mind, the secretariat found herself cautiously approaching the window. With a shaking hoof, she clutched the blind stick and quickly flicked the blinds open.
She half expected to see Time Table standing there with an embarrassed smile as he attempted to sneak in the house through the window as not to be noticed. But instead, all that was staring back at her was the usual shrubbery. It danced elegantly in the breeze to the twittering of birdsong as it always had.
She sighed heavily and instantly remembered the tickering of the recording tape. She did put it on standby right? nonsense of course she did. She wondered how long this would last. She worried that at this rate her heart would give out in worry.
She passed by Time Table’s desk. It was organized just as it always was with everything in it’s proper place. Not a quill nor inkwell was a centimeter off, not a parchment out of place, not a paper unfiled-- even if it was a note hastily scribbled on a sticky. The clock, perfectly rewound every morning, continued to tick away. The minute hand inched further and further away and each flick of the second hand was a blow to the secretariat’s nerves.
She needed to take her mind off the clock. She decided she needed some tea to relax her. Maybe continue her previous pass time of pacing across the study. She turned to leave the study and nearly jumped out of her coat at what she saw. The silhouette of a stallion stood in the study door frame, sunlight bleeding through the open door behind him. The secretariat breathed back her nerves
“Oh, Time Table. ‘bout time you showed up. Canterlot is on hold and--”
As she drew closer to the pony, she was met with a wicked grin with a golden tooth. Before she could even comprehend the truth that this pony was not Time Table, the study window shattered. Her attention immediately turned to the decimated glass. There was a creature standing in the window in front of the billowing bush. The creature grasped the window sill with it’s mangy paws and climbed over the glass shards. As it climbed inside, she could make out its sickly, matted fur.
The secretariat was frozen in terror, shaking her head violently from side to side, her throat keeping hostage the scream she so desperately needed to scream. However, it was a scream that would never find voice. She was so preoccupied by the terror of the second intruder, that she never noticed the first pony approaching her from behind. The secretariat was silenced by an already bloodied knife that was stabbed into the back of her neck.
the creature from the window slowly approached the corpse. It sniffed away as the lifeless body and curiously nudged it with one of its paws. The pony however, had something far more important to be concerned about. His gold tooth highlighted his smile as he approached the desk. He immediately knew which drawer to open. He had been watching Time Table for so long, that he could predict when the foolish pony would go to the bathroom. He did so love his stagnant routine.
The pony pulled out what he was looking for. He hoofed out two manila folders from the drawer and glanced at the neatly typed identifiers written on their tabs.
Satisfied with his spoils, The pony gleefully tucked the files away beneath his foreleg and gave one final look over Time Table’s former desk. He made sure that it was exactly as it was. Not a quill nor inkwell was a centimeter off, not a parchment out of place. Satisfied, he sharply whistled at the creature through his teeth. The two left the scene, leaving the secretariat’s body behind, while never noticing the transmitter behind the fake bookshelf, the recording tape still ticker tackering away.
The Equestrian Bureau of Private Communications was as abuzz as ever. Being the central relay for the communication of classified information in Equestria, the Bureau was a constant maelstrom of activity. Hundreds of ponies tending stations and running about to make sure the information gets transferred efficiently and discretely. The walls were lined with two way magic mirrors, while several hundred radio transmitters lined the the center of the room in columns. The room was always hot and stuffy due to enchanted scrolls constantly arriving and being sent via Dragonfire. Every form of known communication was handled by the Bureau, and the Bureau was handled by the pony who sat calmly at his desk overlooking the other stations, intently watching the mayhem of modern day politics.
The room was a symphony of indecipherable noise. Hundreds of ponies talking at once through their communication channels, the rushed stomping of hectic hooves, flaring flashes of Dragonfire and the constant tickering and tacking of tape on which everything was recorded. The Bureau never slept as it monitored the communications between every intelligence station hidden in every major Equestrian state. The grand majority of these transmissions were routine-- Monotonous reports usually involving the movements of the Griffons, suspected Changeling reports or even just comparing the economic and political standpoints between Equestria and their sister nation of the New Lunar Republic.
Several hundred ponies sat in front of several hundred transmitters, talking away into their headsets. One pony, however, had encountered a hiccup in the routine.
“Canterlot calling Janeighca. Report my signals. Over.” The pony adjusted the frequency modulator on the transmitter, just to be certain. “Hello, Janeighca? Over.”
There was still no reply. The signal was on standby and all that could be heard was a static tone. The pony had been in charge of the Janeighcan channel for the past several months. Every single day, the station chief would report in on the dot without fail. But today was different. Today, the chief’s secretariat opened the channel instead. Today, Time Table was late. The pony checked the receiver. The needle indicated that the signal was strong as ever. No interference. The connection was good, but nopony was there.
In a flash, the pony ripped out the transcript that was being printed out of the machine beside him. Everything that was said during a transmission, including time stamps, were magically recorded on those pages. Taking the transcript, the pony left their station and darted through the crowd of ponies that were also frantically scurrying between the corridors of transmitters. The young pony galloped to the desk of the Intelligence Chief. The concern on his face was apparent.
“Excuse me, sir?” The young pony was breathing heavily despite the short gallop.
“Yes, what is it?”
“We seem to have a problem, sir!” The communicator hooved the Chief his transcript. “It’s Janeighca. Well they phoned in for their routine report, but then nothing.”
“Transmission cut off?”
“No, just voice. Carrier Wave is still connected.”
The Chief looked up at the other pony. His mind was tensed as he ran possibilities through his mind, hoping to avoid the scenario he dreaded. “Have you tried both emergency frequencies?”
“Yes, sir. No, response on either.”
The Chief closed his eyes and took a deep breath and looked at the young pony with grave severity. “Right then, keep trying. I’ll get a hold on Princess Celestia.”
The communications pony swallowed his fear and nodded nervously at his Chief before returning to his station. The Chief silently prayed that it was a bug, a hiccup, a misunderstanding. But he knew denial would get him nowhere. He looked down at his desk. There before him was a red, but otherwise nondescript, telephone. It was the only phone, the only communication device in the Bureau, that wasn’t ringing. It was a phone that the Chief had hoped would never ring on its own accord. He reached out, picked up the receiver, and placed it to his ear. He didn’t need to dial. The call went through instantly, and almost immediately he heard the click on the other line.
“Hello?” The Officer spoke firmly into the phone, “Yes. Get me MARE.”
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Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 2: Another Donut, Extra Sprinkles (old)
Canterlot. The capital city of the Kingdom of Equestria. The city was known for its stunning architecture and its unmistakable silhouette on the side of Canterlot Mountain. However on this night all eyes were on Canterlot Castle, the home of Princess Celestia herself. Magical fireworks of every color of the rainbow danced in the sky as the front gates opened themselves to the hundreds of ponies that were lucky enough to be invited to the most anticipated event of the year: the Grand Galloping Gala.
But not everypony who was invited to the Gala attended. There was one pony who decided instead to tear up the golden ticket, and go to work just as he always did. A few blocks away from the Castle Grounds, sitting on the edge between the nobles’ quarters and the shopping district, on the corner of Celestia Avenue and Harmony Street, sat a lovely little donut shop.
Plush, red vinyl seats and cream colored tables lined the large windowed wall of the shop. Fluorescent lighting that was probably in need of replacing made the inside of the cozy restaurant visible from blocks away. And, most importantly, the irresistible smell of freshly baked donuts and other baked goods entranced anypony who walked by, enticing them to enter the establishment. However, because of the celebrations surrounding the Gala, the streets, and the donut shop, were empty. A jukebox sat in the corner of the room playing a soothing jazz song designed to take the patrons back in time to better days. The only patron in the establishment on the night of the Gala, however, was a small, purple Baby Dragon. The Dragon sat at the counter on an old fashioned bar stool with his head resting in his hands and his elbows on the countertop. In front of him sat the remains of a devoured donut. The proprietor of the donut shop looked at the Dragon with concern. He had seen many customers like this before- wallowing in their own self pity with comforting food.
“Hey, Pony Joe! Another Donut!” The Dragon said bitterly.
Donut Joe sighed to himself. He didn't mind that the Dragon got his name wrong. Being the easy target of an angry customer came with the territory, after all.
Joe said, “Don’t you think you've had enough?”
“Another Donut! Extra Sprinkles!” The Baby Dragon slammed his fist on the counter which rattled the empty plate. Joe cleared his throat and walked over to his oven. His horn, which was mostly hidden by his messy, unkempt mane, glowed with emerald green Unicorn Magic. He levitated the scalding sheet of piping hot donuts out of the oven and placed them on the cooling tray. He took a nice, long whiff of the greatest smell in the universe. His bliss was interrupted by the sound of the bell that hung from his door. A purple Unicorn walked in wearing the remains of a fancy Gala dress that had definitely seen better days.
“Twilight Sparkle!” Joe yelled out to the filly, “Long time no see!”
Twilight didn’t respond but that was fine. She probably just didn't remember Joe. Joe thought back to how Twilight used to live in Canterlot until she moved away about a year ago. From what Joe was told, she had moved to the New Lunar Republic. Joe remembered that the Baby Dragon, Spike, had always been her one and only friend. It pained his heart to see her still alone after all this time. He hoped she would have found some friends in her new home.
When Spike saw Twilight his eyes immediately brightened up and he ran to her. “Hey how was the Gala?” he asked, “How was your best night ever?”
Joe laughed to himself. Judging from that tattered dress, he thought, I’d say it was probably the worst night ever. Joe imagined all the posh and moneys Unicorns of Canterlot and military Pegasi with their muzzles in the air and designr saddles on their backs. As far as Joe was concerned, the only things worth a stallion’s time at that shin-dig were all the pretty mares.
After Twilight had ordered her donut, it became apparent to Joe that nopony else would be showing up. As he cleaned the countertop one last time before closing, he heard his bell ring once again. Joe looked up expecting to see Twilight Sparkle and Spike walking out the door. He was surprised to see a new pony walk in. She was a mare with a deep, dark red coat and a blue-black mane. Her mane fell over one of her eyes, drawing attention to her other ice-blue eye. Her tail was styled in a wave that danced a little when she flicked it. She wore a pearl white dress expertly tailored to show off just the right amount of leg and flank. She stared straight at Joe, but looked tired and distant. Joe gave her his most charming smile and tried to slick back his greasy mane with his hoof, but it wouldn't stay. The red mare sat down at the counter in the same spot that Spike previously occupied.
“Welcome to Joe’s Double-O Donuts!” Joe tried to sound as welcoming as possible but the mare's eye only drifted to the side. Joe decided to change tactics and go straight for the compliment. He whistled and said, “Well, well, aren't you a pretty filly? I take it you’re new in town? You know I never forget a face. ‘specially one as beautiful as yours.” The mare placed her gaze back on Joe, but her emotionless frown still had not changed. “So,” Joe continued, “you here for the Gala, I take it? I bet a Unicorn as pretty as you turned all kinds of heads, amiright? I bet you’d even get the Princess’ attention, eh?” Joe chuckled at himself. The mare apparently didn't find the joke funny.
“I had to leave.” She talked! Well at least that was a start. “The Canterlot elite are a little too stuck up for my taste. I prefer an atmosphere that’s a little… darker.” Her eye squinted a little as she stared at Joe and her mouth curved into something resembling a smile. Joe felt beads of sweat accumulate under his ears. “Not to mention,” She continued, “the ballroom was overrun with wild animals.”
She continued to stare at the wall with vacant disinterest. Joe scratched his head at the comments.
“Sounds like it was one heck of a party.” Joe said, “Still not the kind of place for an ugly mug like mine”
The mare actually smiled and giggled as she looked back at Joe. A little self-detrimental humor usually got the fillies on his side. And Joe was telling the truth, to an extent. His mane was messy and uncontrollable, his muzzle was far too rounded and he had amassed an impressive girth from eating too many donuts over the years. His cream colored coat and brown mane surely weren't catching a lot of attention and the bright pink donut that adorned his flank clashed horribly with his emerald green eyes. Joe learned long ago that charm was his greatest asset.
“I don’t know,” said the mare as she measured Joe up and down with her icy stare. “I think you would be rather cute if you cleaned yourself up a bit.”
“Well ain't you a charmer?” Joe laughed as he walked over to the cooling donuts on the rack. “Here, have a bear claw on the house.”
The free donut. It was always the killing blow. He placed the piping hot donut in front of her, and while Joe could tell that she wanted to pretend that she didn't want it, he saw her gulp a mouthful of saliva. She looked up and removed the bangs that covered her face. Joe was able to stare deeply into both of her eyes. They were impossibly light blue-- almost white. They glistened more than most eyes. They were the type of eyes that were used to crying. Joe snapped back into reality at the sound of the bell. Twilight Sparkle was halfway out the door. Joe admitted that he entirely forgot about her.
Joe called out to her, “Aw, you leaving already, Miss Sparkle? Hey, make sure you introduce me to some nice friends next time you come!” Joe’s comment was lost on Twilight. She was already out the door.
“I guess it’s just you and me now, stallion.” said the mare. Her eyes were still fixated on Joe but they were different. They were no longer distant, but studious and inquisitional. She smiled, trying to make it look as cute as possible. Joe had seen that before. She hadn't touched her donut. This mare was looking for companionship, and who was Joe to deny her?
“Feel free to stay as long as you like," he told her. " I’ll keep the place open for you. I’d enjoy the company tonight.” Joe decided to push the gamble and leaned in a little closer. The mare backed away in response. She shifted her body to the side while keeping her eyes on her prize. Joe could see the chess game being played in her head.
“Laying on the charm a bit thick there aren’t you?” She said coldly.
“What? Can’t an old stallion like me be nice to a lonely mare? And I don’t stay open for just anypony you know.”
“Just the pretty fillies who happen to walk in at around closing, right?” She turned her stool around so that her back was facing Joe. He could smell the perfume in her mane. “I’ve dealt with ponies like you before. The kind that like to hover over me at the casinos. And I can tell you that they’re not looking at my cards.” She whipped the stool back around and stared at Joe again with her freezing eyes. “So it’ll take more than a cute grin and a twinkling eye to curry favor with me.”
The mare's head reared back in surprise. The stallion she had been flirting with was no longer the charmer. His frown was melancholic and his mind was lost within a stream of consciousness.
Joe saw the confusion of the mare’s face and quickly picked himself up. “Oh you play poker? I used to be quite the card shark myself, back in the day. I was the best bluffer in Canterlot. I played those other foals like fiddles. Y'know, I was so good that they started calling me ‘The Con Mane.’” Joe's attention was drawn towards the jazz belting jukebox and he realized he had somehow fallen for his own trap. The red mare took her opening and reversed the situation. Now she was the one leaning across the counter-top towards him. Joe took a deep breath and sighed. “Now I just spend my time here making donuts day in and day out...” Joe turned his back to his guest to clean a baking sheet that was already sufficiently clean.
“Oh it can't be all bad.” the mare spoke as if she was talking to an old friend, “There must be some excitement in your life. I’d wager that you’re actually a lot more interesting of a pony then you let on.”
“You certainly know how to cheer up an old schmuck,” said Joe with a chuckle. He tried to straighten his mane again. It didn’t work. “Here, have another freebie. Jelly filled.”
“You really know a way to a filly’s heart. Are donuts really the best you can do?”
“It usually does the trick, yes.”
“Well I might as well humor you then.”
“I admire your encouragement, Miss…”
“Velvet. Red Velvet.” Velvet picked up her fresh donut and took a bite. Her gaze never fell off of the proprietor. A little globule of jelly stuck to the side of her mouth. “I admire your determination, Mr….”
“Joe. Donut Joe.” Joe picked up a donut of his own-- sprinkled with pink frosting-- and enjoyed his victory against Miss Red Velvet. The two ponies tapped their baked goods together and enjoyed their late night indulgence. But then the bell rang. It was well past midnight and the shop was usually closed. Velvet and Joe turned around to see who it was.
“Sorry,” Joe began before he could even get a clear look at the pony, “but we’re closing up. But come back tomorrow and I’ll have a fresh batch of donuts hot and ready to eat!”
“I didn't come here for a donut,” said the new pony, “I’m here for Con Mane.”
“Never heard of him.” Joe replied
The guard retained his stalwart posture. “In that case I’ll have a glazed donut, hold the glaze.”
“Hold the glaze?”
“Hold the glaze.”
The air in the room became thick. Velvet stood near the jukebox overcome with a bizarre nervousness. Any hope that she might have had that the jazz would bring her comfort was thwarted by the fiery sparks of the two stallions.
“Oh I see,” said Joe, “Well sorry to tell you but we’re fresh out. I don’t do that kind of thing no more.”
The Royal Guard showed no signs of reaction. “I think you might want to reconsider. This is a special order from Princess Celestia herself.”
Velvet gasped at the sound of the Princess’ name. She darted her eyes between Joe and the Pegasus. Neither one of them showed any signs of backing down from whatever it was they were talking about.
“I should have known.” Joe trotted out from behind the counter, and continued to stare down the royal guard. “I was under the impression that she didn't like my baking no more.”
“She happens to think that you're the best and the only one who can do it.”
“I’m flattered. But the answer is no”
The following silence was crushing. The two stallions were locked in a duel of bravado. The guard pivoted on the spot and faced the entrance-way of the shop.
He flared his large, white wings. "MARE will be expecting you at the normal delivery spot. It would not be wise to keep him waiting, Mr Mane.”
The ringing of the bell punctuated the guard's departure. The intense air was cooled down by the mellow jazz.
“What was all that about?” Velvet asked once she had found her voice.
“Just an old life coming back to haunt me.” Joe still stared out into the pitch black streets outside the donut shop. “But I’ve walked away from all that.”
Red Velvet trotted over to Joe and placed a hoof on his shoulders. Joe tensed his muscles a bit at the unexpected consolation, but he relaxed again as she messaged his neck. His brow, however, remained furrowed.
Red Velvet rubbed Joe's back until his breathing settled. “But by the sound of it, Princess Celestia wants you to bake something for her, right? You can’t turn her down!”
Joe turned and stared into Velvet’s eyes. He saw the her cold damaged pupils once again shimmer with the familiar glaze of tears. He fought the urge to reach out and wipe her eyes, but intead he snorted and tore away from her grasp
“Watch me!” he shouted. Joe stubbornly walked back towards the counter. He distanced himself from everything around him. He scrubbed down the already wiped counter top again with a determined vigor. Velvet walked behind the counter and stopped Joe’s scrubbing by placing a gentle hoof on his. The sudden touch caught Joe by surprise and he stared into the face of the red mare that was now inches away from his. He saw in her a vulnerability. Her eyes carried a pain that felt all too familiar. In less than an hour Joe had somehow connected with this stranger. Now she was more like an old friend whom he hadn't seen in years.
“Joe.” Velvet said in a friendly whisper, “If you do this, I’ll make sure to come and drop by here more often.”
Velvet leaned in and kissed Joe on the cheek. Joe could feel himself blushing. Velvet's once ice-cold eyes had grown warm, as did her smile. Joe couldn't help but to smile himself.
“You really are a poker player, ain't ya?” he said to her. “Alright, Red. you win. I guess I’d better lock up.”
Red Velvet lifted her head proudly. She quickly whipped around and headed towards the exit. As she meandered towards the door she lifted her tail high into the air as a sign of victory and confidence.
“We’ll have to continue our conversation later, then.” she said playfully, “Oh well.” She slowly turned her head, her hoof lingering on the handle, and gave Joe one final mysterious stare. “Just when things were getting interesting again.”
Joe felt his ears sweat again. “Tomorrow morning than. Maybe we’ll play some poker.”
And with that, Joe's bell rang for the final time that night as the mysterious mare walked out of Double-O Donuts, leaving Joe to close up.
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Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 2: Another Donut, Extra Sprinkles (New)
Canterlot. The capital city of the Kingdom of Equestria. The city was mostly known for its stunning architecture and its unmistakable silhouette on the side of Canterlot Mountain. But on this night all eyes were on Canterlot Castle, the home of Princess Celestia herself. Magical fireworks of every color of the rainbow danced in the sky as the front gates opened themselves to the hundreds of ponies that were lucky enough to be invited to the most anticipated event of the year: The Grand Galloping Gala.
The castle was a glowing beacon. The district surrounding the castle, which was home to the lavish estates of the nobility and the rich, was completely dark save for the street lamps. All the Canterlot Elites were in attendance at the Gala, leaving all the buildings bare. Save for one. Sitting on the corner of Celestia Avenue and Harmony Street was a small diner. Large panel windows that rounded the corner lot pierced the darkness with their inviting yellow glow. Above the entrance, the flickering glow of red letters that read ‘Joe’s Double-O Donuts.’
From inside the diner, Donut Joe, the proprietor, stared out into the darkness from behind his polished wood counter top. He could faintly hear the rumblings of the fireworks over the smooth jazz of the old fashioned jukebox that sat in the corner of the room. He exhaled hard and glanced down at the rubbish bin beneath the counter. Sitting atop the discarded straw wrappers and dirty napkins was a golden ticket, ripped in two.
He glanced back out the window across the diner. All he could see beyond was darkness. Ironically if there were a pony out there, they’d be able to see and watch him just fine. Fishbowl effect they called it. His skin crawled at the thought. He knew his mind would be distracted by the idea all night. His initial instinct was to use his levitation magic to close the blinds. Prevent them from having the advantage. But then he caught himself before his horn could glow. Damn it all he was doing it again. He reminded himself that he needed those blinds open to attract the customers.
He heavily considered just saying to hell with it and close down the shop early. Go home and finish off the lousy day with a nice slice of apple pie. But Joe couldn’t bring himself to do that. Not while there was a single customer in the shop. Which there was, just a single customer.
A small, purple Baby Dragon leaned against the counter top on his elbows. In front of him on a small white plate were the remains of what had been his sixth donut. Poor kid. His eyes were bloodshot from tears. He had seen this before-- several ponies walking in to wallow in their own self pity with comforting food. The Dragon met his hurt gaze with Joe’s and Joe realized he had been staring. His eyes immediately darted away but it was too late.
“Hey, Pony Joe. Another donut.” The young Dragon’s voice lacked any semblance of life.
Joe wondered what the kid had gone through. No doubt the Gala was somehow involved. Why else would a Baby Dragon be in the middle of Canterlot this late at night? He frowned at the Dragon, more in pity than concern. He wasn’t even bothered by the fact that he got his name wrong. Being an easy target for angry customers came with the job. Life had made him thick skinned. Such trivial things weren’t worth the effort to give the time of day.
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough.” Joe realized that the response was probably more irritable than intended. He just wanted the day to be over already.
“Another Donut!” The Dragon slammed his fist on the counter which rattled his plate. “Extra sprinkles!”
Joe sighed heavily and slowly trotted towards his oven. He adjusted the paper hat which sat atop his messy, unkempt, brown mane. He had stopped trying to tame his split ends months ago. Between the heat of the oven and the paper hat, he convinced himself it was a losing battle. None of the customers seemed to care so why should he? His scruffy mane mostly concealed his horn. It was smaller and plumper than most stallion’s but it got the job done. His horn levitated with an emerald green light which Joe used to open the oven. Once again the room was filled with the smell of freshly baked bread. Joe deeply breathed in his favorite smell. He would never get tired of it. Even on a night like this, that smell was all it took to remind him why it was all worth it. He levitated the scalding sheet of piping hot donuts out of the oven and placed them on the cooling tray. He stared at the batch thinking about how most of them wouldn’t likely be eaten tonight. Such an unfortunate waste. Well Joe was getting hungry.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sharp chirp of a bell. Joe turned around in surprise. That bell which hung above his door rang so many times a day that he couldn’t even hear it anymore. But this time was different. The last thing he expected was another patron. Those damn black windows.
He recognized the pony that entered. She was a purple Unicorn Mare, just slightly younger than Joe. She was extremely pretty. Easily one of the prettiest mares he had ever met and now even more so with what she was wearing. She was in an expensive looking blue dress decorated with a star motif. The Gala couldn’t possibly be over already. No something else must have happened. He realized that her dress had seen better days. It was tattered and ripped in several places. She didn’t look as emotionally distraught as one would expect. Disappointed maybe, but no worse for wear. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been a waste to go after all.
“Twilight Sparkle!” Joe called out to the filly, “Long time no see!”
Twilight ignored Joe. That was fine. She probably didn’t remember him. It had been several years since they last saw each other and Joe was a different pony back then. Joe smiled as he thought back to those days. He remembered that Twilight used to live in Canterlot until she moved away about two years ago. From what Joe was told, she moved to the New Lunar Republic. That Baby Dragon, Spike, had always been her one and only friend. It pained him to see her still alone after all this time. That girl desperately needed friends. That’s the advice he remembered giving her until… No, he thought. Best not to think about the past.
At Joe’s call, Spike immediately turned around in his stool. The little guy’s eyes lit up with renewed vigor. He hopped of the stool and ran over to her, arms outstretched for a hug.
“How was the Gala? How was your best night ever?”
Joe couldn’t help but chuckle. Judging from that dress it must have been the worst night ever. Twilight didn’t respond. She just hugged Spike tightly and led him out the door. Pity. He had hoped she’d order a donut. Catch up on old times. The bell rang again, ushering in the silence.
Joe was alone once again. He continued to stare out those fishbowl windows. His only company was the sound of jazz. What kind of music were they playing there? Probably nothing more than a somber cellist. He imagined the beautiful cellist on stage, having the perfect overview of the ballroom. She could see all the guests. Eyeballing each one carefully. None of them would be aware that her associates have hidden themselves amongst the crowd. Eagerly waiting for her to hit that one note that would be the signal. A high F sharp, most likely. A pony approaches Twilight Sparkle to distract her while another drops some powder into Celestia’s fruit punch.
Joe blinked himself awake. His heart was racing. Some sweat had poured down his neck and into his favorite white collared shirt. Yes, it was best that he didn’t go.
As Joe stood in the silence of his donut shop, it became apparent that he was unlikely to get anymore customers. He started his routine to close up shop as he always had. Wipe the countertops, clean the dishes, preserve the leftover donuts, always in that order. It was a force of habit. Joe figured it was something he picked up from an old friend.
Just as Joe was wiping his third table, his bell rang out once again. At first it didn’t register. Like whenever you think somepony calls out your name in a crowd. A delusion not worth entertaining. But as the last echoing ting tickled his ear, Joe realized he was not mistaken. He turned around from his routine and saw the pony that now stood in front of the glass door.She stood there demurely. Her legs were just slightly crossed and her eyes pointed towards the ground. She stood as if trying to look invisible amongst a non-existent crowd. Trying not to draw attention to herself. But for a mare this beautiful that would always be impossible. Oh was she beautiful. She was a mare with a deep, dark red coat and a blue-black mane that fell in front of her face, drawing attention to her ice-blue eyes. Her tail was styled in a wave that danced a little when she flicked it. She wore a pearl white dress expertly tailored to show off just the right amount of leg and flank. She looked up from the floor and stared straight at Joe. as soon as those icy eyes met with his, he felt their overpowering chill. A sting up his back that tickled and burned all at the same time. He stared into her eyes intently, wanting his entire body to be encased in her ice. But the eyes didn’t let him. The way she looked at him was tired and distant. Joe forced a smiled and motioned for her to take the seat that had previously belonged to the Baby Dragon.
“Welcome to Joe’s Double-O Donuts!” He said with rehearsed sincerity. When she sat down, her eyes merely drifted to the side. Joe had seen this type of filly before. they type that were too hot for their own good. Naturally every stallion would want a flicker of that fire. And so she encased the flame in a wall of ice. A defense mechanism to keep the suitors away.
“I take it you’re new in town.” He said to keep the topic lighthearted, “You know I never forget a face. ‘Specially one as pretty as yours.”
She turned her head slightly and once again locked Joe in her icy stare. Her silent smile had not moved an inch since entering the shop. He thought at first she was going to say something. Perhaps chastise him for his remarks or maybe, even, better flirt back. Instead she just sat there and looked. Looked at him with that face that angelically hot and devilishly cold all at the same time.
“So,” Joe continued, “you here for the Gala, I take it? I bet a Unicorn as pretty as you turned all kinds of heads, amiright? I bet you’d even get the Princess’ attention.” He gave a short but strong chuckle. Apparently the mare didn’t find the joke funny. But here eyebrows did flicker slightly, he noticed. A pique of curiosity. A silent signal that meant ‘fine, I’ll bite. Let’s see where you’re going with this.’
“I had to leave.” Oh did her voice make Joe melt. It was a lower register than he expected. an elongated droll that was still rich and full of life, like melted dark chocolate. Her voice captured his ears just as easily as her gaze captured his eyes. “The Canterlot elite are a little too stuck up for my states. I prefer an atmosphere that’s a little… darker.”
Her eyes squinted as she stared at Joe and her mouth curved into something resembling a smile. The icy stare and the fiery voice finally collided as beads of sweat accumulated behind Joe’s ears. Right when he was on the verge of losing himself to her looks, she turned away. She continued to stare blankly at the wall with an emotionless expression. The sudden change of tone and loss of eye contact felt like bandage being ripped off.
“Not to mention,” she continued, “the ballroom was overrun with wild animals.”
She said the words with vacant disinterest. Her eyes studied Joe like those of a theatre critic. Anicipating. Expecting. He knew she was waiting to see how he’d react. To throw him off his game and to see the real him. Classic interrogation tactic. One he wouldn’t fall for so easily.
“Sounds like one heck of a party.” Joe said. He kept his voice jovial. Playing the part of a simple baker who would say anything to sell a donut. Which, he had to remind himself, was exactly what he was. “Still not the kind of place for an ugly mug like mine.”
She stifled a giggle behind her almost grin. He broke the ice, if only for a little. The point was his. And Joe was telling the truth, he supposed, to an extent. His short brown mane was messy and uncontrollable. His muzzle was far too rounded and he had amassed an impressive girth from eating too many donuts over the past year. His cream colored coat and brown mane surely weren’t the most eye catching of palettes and the bright pink donut that adorned his flank clashed horribly with his emerald green eyes. On all accords he was invisible in most crowds. A mere background pony, nothing more. And in most cases that had suited Joe just fine.
“I don’t know,” said the mare whose eyes were now fixated on Joe in a less condescending, more studious way. She measured Joe up and down with her icy stare. He was fully aware of what parts of his body she lingered on, and he made no attempts at trying to hide anything. “I think you’d be rather cute if you cleaned yourself up a bit.
“Well ain’t you a charmer?” Joe smiled appreciatively. He was starting to enjoy the game. It was a game he had always enjoy playing in the past. he turned to the side and trotted over to the tray where the donuts had finished cooling. the ball was in his court. “Here, have a bear claw on the house!”
The free donut. It was always the killing blow. He placed the piping hot donut plate in front of her and while Joe could tell that she wanted to pretend she didn’t want it, he noticed her swallow a gulp of saliva. She looked up at his again. The frozen armor around her had been chipped away significantly. He could now look into her eyes and see her true fragility. Like glass or porcelain teetering on the edge. Except this doll was already cracked. Wounds most likely caused by those who did not handle her with the delicacy that she deserved.
Her eyes were impossibly light blue-- almost white. They glistened more than most eyes. The type of eyes that were used to crying. Her eyes were still fixated on Joe, but they were different. They were no longer distant, but studious and inquinsical. Her lips curled into a smile. Her eyelids dimpled demurely. Joe had seen the smile before. It was a false smile. Trying to make it as cute as possible. She hadn’t even touched her donut. Most mares after a rough night would have devoured five of them by now. No, this filly didn’t come in here for comfort food. This mare longed for companionship. And who was Joe to deny her?
“Feel free to stay as long as you like.” Joe took out a damp rag and wiped down a section of the counter. The counter was already plenty clean, but the filly needed to feel comfortable. Welcomed. “I’ll keep the place open for ya. I’d enjoy the company tonight”
She held her head with her hoof as she slightly turned her body to the side. Yet still her eyes remained fixated on her prize. “Is that what you tell all the pretty mares that come in around closing?” Joe could see the chess game playing out in her head, and he was determined to stay two moves ahead. He continued to scrub the counter, not letting an inkling of hurt or damn flicker on his face, curious as to how far she’d go.
She continued, “I’ve dealt with ponies like you before. The kind that like to hover over me in casinos. And I can tell you, they’re not looking at my cards. So it’ll take more than a cute green and a twinkling eye to curry favor with me.”
She looked pleased with herself. A flash of confidence emboldened her smile. She won and she knew it. She knew her opponents’ next move and anticipated the satisfaction of seeing this stallion hurt and heartbroken.
Only he wasn’t. Joe stared out the fishbowl black window, seeing nothing. His expression was vacant and listless. In his mind, no longer was he behind the counter of the donut shop. The sound of smooth jazz was replaced with the neverending razzle dazzle of bits and slots. Instead of the smell of freshly baked donuts, the air was filled with a thick cloud of cigar smoke.
Joe sat straight across from the dealer, his eyes down low as he deals the cards. To Joe’s right, that mare he found was staying in the hotel room next door. A knife is hidden under her skirt, awaiting the orders of the elderly griffon across the hall. Joe peers at his cards. The 2 of Clubs. It’s the card that was agreed upon by his contact before the game. The plan is a go. The mare calls for another card and busts. Just the excuse she needs to reach down to her ‘purse’ to grab more bits. Joe can see the tip of the sheath beneath her lifting skirt in the corner of his eye. The time to act is now. But before he can make his move, Joe’s foreleg is squeezed hard by another hoof. He looks up into the eyes of the dealer. His eyes are filled with concern as he speaks with a disturbingly female voice.
“Are you alright?”
Joe blinked himself back to reality. Back in the donut shop with the jazz and the mysteriously mare across the counter. Her face was pale and confused. Joe mentally kicked himself allowing it to happen again. Joe glanced over at the jazz belting jukebox in the corner and concentrated on the smooth music. Those days are over, he told himself.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” He assured the mare, trying not to let his voice sound empty, “Just thinking about the past is all.
The mare leaned on the counter. “The past, huh? Nothing too sordid, I hope?”
Joe turned his back on the counter and focused his attention on cleaning a sufficiently clean baking sheet. “Don’t get your hopes up, kid. Whatcha see is whatcha get. I’m just a baker. Spending my time here making donuts day in and day out.”
“Oh it can’t be all that bad.” She spoke in a familiar tone, “There must be some excitement in your life. You know, I’d wager that you’re actually a lot more interesting of a pony than you let on.”
He turned back to look at her. She was smiling again, and this time it was more genuine. There was something infectiously charming about it, and he couldn’t help but smile back. He could tell that she was becoming sincerely invested in the conversation. The ice of her eyes were melting away to reveal more of that inner warmth. She had even started eating her donut at one point and was nearly through with it.
“You certainly know how to cheer up an old schmuck.” Joe said with a slight chuckle. He bent down and grabbed the last donut in the display case and placed it in front of the mare. “Here, have another freebie. Jelly filled.”
Now it was the mare’s turn to laugh. It was a laugh of surrender. The kind one makes when they realize how ridiculous of a situation they are in an are forced to accept the fact that they can’t do anything about it. Or they don’t want to.
“You really know a way to a filly’s heart. Are donuts the best you can do?”
“It usually does the trick, yes.”
“Well, I might as well humour you then.”
“I admire your persistance, Miss…”
“Velvet. Red Velvet.” Red Velvet picked up her fresh donut and took a bite, not taking her eyes away from Joe. A little glob of red jelly stuck to the side of her mouth. “I admire your determination, Mister…”
“Joe. Donut Joe.” He picked up a donut of his own-- chocolate frosting with sprinkles-- and held it out towards Miss Velvet. The two of them touched their treats together and simultaneously took a bite. It was a fantastic donut, its chocolate flavor complemented by the sweet victory Joe had achieved in the game against Red Velvet.
However, the bliss was short lived. The bell hanging over the shop door rang again. Joe’s senses spiked at the surprise. It was well past midnight. Normally the shop would be closed. He once against cursed the pitch black fishbowls that were his windows. His foreleg twitched with the reflex to grab the nearest anything. a knife ideally, or even a baking sheet. But he was able to fight the impulsive urge and focused on the pon who entered the shop.
Red Velvet had also jumped at the surprise and wheeled around on her stool.
The stallion who entered was a Pegasus, his coat blanche white with a cobalt mane, magically altered by the golden plated armor he wore around his torso and hooves. Joe’s breathing intensified. He could feel the blood rushing to his vital muscles. He stared emotionlessly at the Royal Guard whose expression was as stoic as any other.
“Sorry,” Joe said in a gruff, steady tone, “But I was just closing up. Come back tomorrow and I’ll have a fresh batch of donuts hot and ready to eat.”
“I didn’t come here for donuts.” the guard said, “I’m here for Con Mane.”
The sound of that name seared the inside of Joe’s ears. He clenched his jaw until it hurt as he squinted his eyes and furrowed his brow. Joe and the guard glared at each other with a stern intensity. The tension that boiled between the stallions was so thick and fiery that Velvet instinctively got out of her seat and backed away out of their lines of sight.
“Never heard of him.” Joe replied kindling ire. The stallion was unfazed. He continued to stare straight at Joe with stoic determination.
“In that case I’ll have a glazed donut. Hold the glaze.”
“Hold the glaze?”
“Hold the glaze.”
In the corner of his eye, Joe could see Velvet standing near the jukebox, overcome with confusion and nervousness. the music itself had become inaudible, drowned out by the pounding anger within Joe’s mind.
“Well,” Joe said, “ sorry to tell you but I’m fresh out. I don’t do that sort of thing no more.”
The Guard’s expression didn’t change. He continued to stand tall with that condescending sense of superiority that only served to fuel Joe’s frustration.
“I think you might want to reconsider.” Said the guard, “This is a special order from Princess Celestia herself.”
Joe snorted hard. He was longer making any attempts to hide his rage.“I should have known.” He trotted out from behind the counter and continued to stare down the guard as he approached him with heavy steps until they were muzzle to muzzle. Although Joe was not as tall as the Pegasus, his sheer girth matched the soldier pound for imposing pound. “I was under the impression that she didn’t like my baking no more.”
“She happens to think that you’re the best and the only one who can do it.”
“I’m flattered.” Joe shrugged off the guard’s insulting tone. “But she wants me that badly, she should get her cake lovin’ plot down here and ask me personally! As of right now I don’t give a damn about her opinions, and I certainly don’t give a damn about some self-important proxy, so I highly suggest that you GET OUT OF MY STORE!!”
Joe’s urge to buck the stallion in the face was interrupted by a sudden, high pitched squeal from the jukebox. Joe looked over to the poor filly who was up against the far wall, stricken with fear. Joe concentrated his mind on his pounding heart and quickened breath that he was taught to years ago. With a few deep breaths He calmed the storm in his mind. He turned back to the guard, His face still contorted his anger. The guard didn’t seemed to be taking aback at all. Still with an air of calm, he turned around and trotted back towards the door.
“We’ll be expecting you at the normal delivery spot. I look forward to seeing you there.”
With another ring of the bell, the guard disappeared into the blackened streets of Canterlot. The thick boiling atmosphere was almost immediately mellowed down by the dulcet tones of a saxophone. Joe turned to Red Velvet. She awkwardly and cautiously walked back towards Joe. He breathed himself back into a state of solace.
“What was all that about?” Velvet asked once she had found her voice.
Joe turned and looked back out the fishbowl windows. “Just an old life coming back to haunt me.” His voice was sour and shallow. He imagined the soldier still standing outside. Gleefully watching Joe writhe with hatred, knowing Joe couldn’t look back. He could feel his blood begin to pump once again and so he swiftly turned away from the window back towards the counter. “But I’ve walked away from all that.”
Velvet approached Joe and wrapped a hoof around his shoulder. At first his muscles tensed at the sudden, unwelcome touch, but he soon relaxed. Her touch was delicate and soft. Despite her lithe frame, her body was surprisingly warm. It was a comforting warmth that new just how to console him.
“It sounds like Princess Celestia wants you to bake something for her, right? You can’t turn her down.”
Joe turned, ripping himself from her embrace, an looked into her eyes with a furrowed brow. He once again found himself trapped in their icy blue. The chill crawled through his body and sedated his temper. He could see her cold, damages pupils once again shimmer with the familiar glaze of tears. He was tempted to allow himself to be completely taken by those eyes and allow her gaze to break through his defenses. But then he shut his eyes tight and turned away from her.
“Watch me!”
Joe took his place back behind the counter. His mind once again raced with fury. He distanced himself from everything around him. He scrubbed down the already wiped countertop yet again with vigorous anger. All of the pain and betrayal and lies and grief came flooding back to him. His vision reddened and revealed a stain on the counter. He tried to wipe it away but it merely smeared. He wiped it again only for it to grow bigger and darker. He wiped and wiped faster and faster at the black stain but with every wipe it only grow bigger and darker, taunting him, mocking him. Snarling with rage he scrubbed the spot with increasing intensity until a deep red hoof grabbed his hoof and held it in place. He looked up to see Velvet standing next to him again.
He saw himself reflected in the gloss of her eyes. He could see it reflected on Velvet as well. A pain and torment that emanated from the body like a dark aura. For the first time that night she looked at him with a genuine connection. She no longer looked like a stranger, but like an old friend he hadn’t seen in years.
Velvet leaned in and brushed her cheek against his. Their faces slided against each other until their lips met and melted into a kiss. Joe allowed the moment to happen. His burning rage and her icy demeanor melted together to form a comfortable flow of intimacy.
“Joe,” she whispered into his ear as she hugged him lightly, “If you do this, I’ll make sure to come and drop by here more often.”
The two ponies separated but still stood very close to one another. Joe was till mere inches away from the deep red face of the daring mare. Her once ice cold eyes had grown warm and she smiled gently. Joe couldn’t help but to smile back. They stared at each other until they were both satisfied.
“I guess I’d better lock up.” Joe finally broke the beautiful silence.
Red Velvet lifted her head proudly, quickly whipped around and started to head towards the exit. As she meandered towards the door, she lifted her tail high into the air as a sign of victory and confidence.
“We’ll have to continue our conversation later, then.” She said playfully, “Oh well.” She slowly turned her head and gave Joe one final mysterious stare. “Just when things were getting interesting again.”
“Tomorrow morning, then.” Joe said as he casually wiped the sweat off the back of his neck. “Good night, Miss Velvet.”
“Good night, Donut Joe.”
And with that, the mysterious mare walked out of Joe’s Double-O Donuts, leaving Joe behind to lock up.
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 3: Never Say Never Again
Joe stood in front of the purple painted double doors in front of him like a statue. They looked like every other door in the castle. They were expertly carved out of wood, and furnished to accentuate the ornate halls of Canterlot Castle. Celestia was just now raising the sun. Thanks to Canterlot’s high elevation, it was the first non-Pegasi city to see it. As the sun brought light to the confetti and streamer littered streets of the exhausted city, the halls of the castle danced with a rainbow of colors produced by the plethora of stained glass windows. The rainbow lights converged onto the sign that hung from the door that Joe stood in front of. ‘Employees Only.’
Joe took a deep breath to gather up all the nerves he could muster, and pushed open the door. The secretariat’s office was small, but comfortable. The wall on the far right hosted two windows that no doubt would have one of the most spectacular views in the castle-- if they weren’t constantly covered with closed shutters. A pair of beautiful settees sat against the left wall to provide a comfortable seat for guests that never came. And on the wall straight ahead was another door. It was a door lined with thick leather upholstery. The door stood like a sentinel, ominously mocking Joe with its presence. Joe levitated the dark-brimmed, cotton hat from his head and shot it like a frisbee toward the hat rack in the corner. The hat landed perfectly on one of the arms.
“All this time and I still got it.” Joe said with a melancholy smile.
“Well, look who finally decided to show up.”
The voice came from Joe’s right. The secretariat sat behind a desk cluttered with various documents and folders, many of which had the words ‘FOR YOUR EYES ONLY’ printed on the front in bold, red print.
“If it isn’t Donut Joe?” Her tone was sarcastic and the way she said his name sounded especially poisonous. “We called you in over an hour ago. I’ve been searching all over Canterlot for you.”
“Con Mane is here, sir,” she spoke into the speaker.
Joe trotted in front of her desk while putting on his best smile. She merely gave him a puzzled and dissatisfied look. “Busy night at the donut shop, what with the Gala and all,” Joe tried to explain, “Full of excitement.”
The Secretariat tutted and focused again on her cluster of papers. “I’m sure she was.”
“Miss Raven, I’m offended!” Joe said with the most dramatic flair he could muster.
Miss Raven was not amused. Her brown eyes burned like charcoal. “Don’t be so flippant!” she exclaimed bitterly, “Last time I saw you was almost a year ago! You trotted out of here for good. You said you would never come back. I guess this will teach you to never say never again.”
“I never said I was coming back!” Joe raised his voice. His charming smile had faded into a grimace. “I’m only here to talk to MARE and that’s it! I’m not a member of Mane6 anymore.” Joe cooled himself off with a deep sigh and ran his hoof across his forehead. “I’m just a baker now.”
Miss Raven looked troubled. “oh yeah?” Her voice was shaky. She wouldn’t look Joe in the eye. “That’s a sharp looking tux for a baker.”
Joe had almost forgotten about the suit. He had almost decided not to put it on before leaving. His favorite black suit was tighter than when he last wore it, and Joe knew it wasn’t because the suit got smaller. The red bowtie especially choked Joe’s neck. He also made sure to style his mane. His horn visibly protruded from a finely coiffed mane slicked all the way back with product.
“You know I would’ve. Problem is the old war horse would have me court martialed for illegal use of Equestrian Property.”
Miss Raven smirked and placed her hoof under Joe’s chin. “Flattery will get you nowhere, Joe--” She playfully flicked her hoof up. “but don’t stop trying.”
Buzz! The interruption of the speaker silenced the room. Both of the ponies’ smiles faded as they stared solemnly at the leather door.
“He’s ready for you.” Miss Raven said with deadpan efficiency.
With a hard swallow Joe creaked open the leather lined doors. The door led to the most lavishly decorated office in Equestria. The wall to the right was lined with tall rounded windows with red velvet curtains that were left open, revealing the expansive landscape of the dreaded Everfree Forest. On the opposite wall was a glass trophy case filled with war medals and commemorative photos. On the wall in the back was a massive oil painting depicting Princess Celestia, clad in ceremonial armor, raising the sun high into the sky. Below the painting sat an old Earth Pony with a steel blue coat and a starch white mane-- complete with matching mustache. He wore a brown tweed jacket and red tie. His eyes were wrinkled and heavy with years of memories, experiences and burdens. His desk was massive and made from solid, furnished wood that was polished to a reflection. The desk was ornately carved with a relief depicting a battle between two opposing armies of ponies.
Joe inched his way towards the ancient stallion. The stallion made no attempts of pretending Joe wasn’t there. Instead he stared straight at Joe with a stern, unreadable glare. He stuck an old fashion smoking pipe into mouth, and puffed on it. When Joe did reach the desk-- a march that felt like an eternity-- he felt the silence choking him more than the bowtie.
“Hello, MARE.” Joe said.
“Con Mane,” MARE’s voice scratched Joe’s ear like sandpaper, “Come and sit down.”
Joe obeyed and sat himself in the wonderfully carved chair that sat opposite MARE. MARE puffed a few more times on his pipe. The smoke was very intrusive and Joe fought against the urge to cough. As the smoke filled his lungs, his mind was filled with memories.
“Right then,” Joe said. He remained stoic and resolute. He was unwilling to let this old pony see any signs of weakness. “How about you tell me why I’ve been dragged here from my comfy donut shop? When I walked out of this castle a year ago I said I was done and I meant it.”
MARE removed the pipe from his mouth and rested it on a small wooden stand. His eyelids narrowed into serpentine slits. “Nopony can just walk out on Mane6. Knowing all the secrets you know makes you a liability, you see. If I had my say in it, you would be banished to the moon. It was The Princess who decided to keep you on hoof for when we needed you. And now that time has come.”
“And what makes me so special, huh?There are plenty of other ponies in Mane6 who actually give a damn. Let them do your dirty work.”
MARE slammed a hoof on the desk. Nothing that sat on the heavy desk so much as budged. “Say what you will about me but you’d better think twice before speaking ill of Princess Celestia. Have you no respect?”
It was Joe’s turn to get into MARE’s face. Their eyes were locked in mutual resentment. “Respect!? The only reason I’m even here right now is out of respect for Celestia and Equestria. I don’t owe you sprinkles, MARE! I’m only here to hear you out. I haven’t said I’d take the job yet.” Joe expected MARE to raise his chalkboard voice, but instead the old pony just leaned back into his chair.
“Oh I have a feeling you’ll take this assignment.” MARE pressed his hooves together. “It’s the reason we chose you. It involves Strange Ways.”
Joe’s ears perked up at the name. He nearly swallowed his tongue along with his saliva. “Strange Ways?” he asked.
“Yes. As I recall, you two worked as partners on several assignments. After you ‘quit’ the service, Strange Ways was promoted to station chief of Station (J) Janeighca.”
“Janeighca? the Zebra Island? That little island is still an Equestrian colony, isn’t it? Though I’ve heard that it is close to achieving independence.”
“Right,” MARE continued, “it is a key geological position for Equestria against the Griffons. Which is why Strange Ways’ job was so important.” MARE pulled a black folder that was sitting on the side of his desk, and hoofed it to Joe. Inside was a map of Janeighca and the Ponibean Sea as well as pictures of Strange Ways and a mare. “Yesterday, Janeighca suddenly went silent during their routine report. It seems Strange and his secretariat have gone missing. She was a new pony. Just recently assigned.”
“Missing? Good old Strange Ways? Knowing him he’s probably found his way to some deserted island populated by beautiful zebra mares.”
“You’re confusing him with yourself, Con Mane,” MARE remarked. Joe gave him a dirty look, but he was unfazed. “Does the word ‘toppling’ mean anything to you?”
“A little.” Joe answered, “Interfering with magical aura fields using forbidden dark magic or something like that?”
MARE chewed on his pipe. “Precisely. The protective barrier that surrounds the New Lunar Republic has been destabilizing as of late.”
“What does Princess Luna’s nation have anything to do with this?”
“The Lunar Investigation Agency believes that the dark magic responsible is coming from somewhere in the Ponibean Sea.”
“And you think Strange’s disappearance is somehow involved?”
MARE hoofed Joe another black file. Inside was information collected by the NLR detailing the deteriorating stability of their defense shield. Within that shield was a whole nother country. One which was ruled by Celestia’s sister, Luna, and an elected Senate.
MARE continued his brief, “We’ll be working together with the LIA on this one. They already have an agent investigating down there: a Pegasus named Sky Blazer- Cutie Mark Classified. You know him?”
“I’ve heard of him, but never met him.”
“You’ll make contact with Claymold, Janeighca’s governor at Equestria House.”
Joe glanced up from the files and slammed them back down on the desk. “Just hold on now! I still haven’t agreed to this yet!”
MARE’s gaze turned cold and crude. “Do you want to find Strange Ways or don't you? Or would you rather sit in your lonely little bakery day in and day out with but a cup of coffee and memories of old to keep you company?”
MARE’s matter-of-fact statement left Joe stammering and defenseless. He drifted back into his seat, trying to come up with some sort of comeback but his voice had failed him. Joe looked down at the file that laid open on MARE’s overly polished desk. Strange Ways’ photograph sat there staring back at Joe with that dopey smile of his. Joe looked up at MARE who was still as stoic as ever.
“Alright,” Joe said, “alright you made your point. But this is the very last time, understood? I’m only doing this for Strange Ways.”
MARE almost smiled. “I understand perfectly, Agent Mane. Now then there is one more thing before you go.” MARE pressed down on an intercom identical to Miss Raven’s. “Miss Raven, have Piercing Armour join us please.”
Not even a minute passed before a stately Earth Pony walked through MARE’s leather door. As the pony sauntered towards Joe and MARE with the determination of an automaton, Joe noticed he held in one of his hooves a small black box.
“Morning, sir.” said Piercing Armour in a regulatory and rehearsed sort of fashion.
“Show him, Armour.” MARE replied.
Piercing Armour turned to Joe, and opened the small black box. Inside was a priceless watch with a faultless leather strap and a hoof carved face. Joe did not know a lot about watches, but he knew quality when he saw it.
“Hold out your hoof.” Armour ordered.
Joe obeyed and Armour strapped the watch around, Joe’s foreleg. “What is this thing?” Joe asked.
Armour cleared his throat and stood up straight. He recited his description with the rhythmic perfection of a textbook. “This is the latest in Equestrian magitechnology. A multipurpose wrist mounted personalized device. A ‘Magic Watch’ if you will. It’s nice and light in a filly’s saddlebag, making it discrete. This watch will soon become standard issue for all Mane6 operatives. Everything an agent needs”
Joe snorted, “Sounds like some kind of stupid gimmick to me.” Armour ignored the comment. “Like donuts shaped like hearts. Yeah it looks pretty but it’s really only useful for Earth Ponies and Pegasi. I’d rather use my own magic.”
MARE leaned forward, stern faced as ever. “Your magic is limited. All you have is standard levitation and a heat ray designed to bake bread. Last time you insisted on using just your magic you spent over a month in the hospital because you let a Griffon get too close. And the only reason you survived is because Strange Ways bailed you out. Need I remind you that you have a licence to kill, not get killed. back in the days before Nightmare Moon’s imprisonment Equestria had the Elements of Harmony to rely on, but they were destroyed when Nightmare Moon was first defeated. Mane6 and our technology is all Equestria has left to defend the Harmony of the world. And since I’ve been the head of Mane6 there has been a seventy percent drop in agent fatalities and I plan to keep it that way. You’ll be using the watch.”
Joe stood speechless as he stared down at the watch. Armour glanced to the side to see if Joe was going to say anything. When it became apparent that he wasn’t, Armour continued with his explanation.
“This is the latest in Equestrian technology.” he recited, “Full access to the Equestrian Infonet, Soliton Radar for analysing the surrounding terrain, laser cutters powerful enough to stop a Hydra and room for additional applications if we deem necessary.”
Armour stood with his head held high, quite pleased with his performance. Joe turned to MARE and sighed deeply in defeat. “Alright, if it makes you feel better I’ll wear the stupid thing.”
“That’ll be all, Armour.” MARE said.
“Very good, sir.”
Armour gave a polite bow and trotted out of MARE’s office in the same manner as he entered. When he was out of the room MARE stuck his pipe back in his mouth.
“And good luck, Con Man. You’re airship leaves tomorrow.”
Joe stared into MARE’s wrinkled eyes for a few moments. He did not know what he expected MARE to say or if he should anything. But once it became clear that MARE had nothing else to say, Joe silently walked out of the office.
“So you’re taking the case then, Joe?” Miss Raven was still behind her desk swimming in paperwork. If anything she had accumulated even more in the time that Joe was gone. She looked up at Joe with concern and Joe turned his gaze to the ceiling.
“Strange Ways saved my life. Now it’s up to me to return the favor.”
“And afterwards? What are you going to do when you get back?”
“I’ll just return to the donut shop and keep living my life day by day just like MARE said.”
Joe saw Raven’s eyes moisten. He smiled at her apologetically as he stepped towards her and placed a hoof on her cheek. Raven smiled and placed her hoof on his.
“You could always come back you know.” She told him, “Become an agent again.”
“You know I can’t do that… After what happened last year.”
“Joe, that wasn't your fault.”
The two ponies drew closer. Joe closed his eyes as he felt Raven’s horn brush against his. Buzz! With a jolt the two ponies separated and giggled awkwardly.
“Please,” said MARE over the intercom, “skip the usual pleasantries with Con Mane, Miss Raven. He’s in a hurry.”
“I’m going, I’m going you old geezer.” Joe grumbled towards the speaker, unsure as to whether MARE could hear him or not. He magically levitated his dark cotton hat off the hat rack and placed in back on his head and made for the door.
“Joe…”
“Miss Raven,” Joe cut her off, “You’re not supposed to call me Joe. When I’m on a mission my name is Mane. Con Mane.”
And with that Agent Con Mane trotted out of the Mane6 office. Raven stared at the closed door with cloudy eyes. “...good luck”
The bell atop the door of Double-O Donuts jingled as the last of the breakfast rush left the donut shop. Joe was once again left in an empty restaurant with only the jukebox jazz as his company. He stood silently in the middle of the restaurant illuminated by the old lighting that danced against the chrome table legs. The smell of his last batch of donuts still lingered in the air like a phantom. He paced the length of the room and closed all of the blinds over the windows while appreciating all the fine details that he learned to love over the past year. Every individual scuff mark on the linoleum and dent in the bar stools and a story. Black and white photographs decorated the far wall depicting some of the more notable patrons that have walked into Joe’s place. Hoity Toity, Sapphire Shores and even Princess Celestia. Joe chuckled as he remembered how Celestia was able to take down an entire doubled layered chocolate cake all by herself. A smudge of embarrassing chocolate still stained one of her cheeks in the photo. Joe returned to his position behind the counter and panned across the shop one last time.
“Sorry old girl, but I have to leave again.”
Joe wiped an eye with his hoof and opened the cash register to double check the morning’s earnings. He was in the middle of counting his bits when he heard the bell ring again.
“Sorry but I’m closing up early today.” He said without bothering to look up, “I’m going on a bit of a vacation.”
“Oh that’s too bad.” Said a familiar voice, “I was hoping to finish our conversation. I've even brought cards for poker.”
Joe looked up and saw a burgundy mare with ice blue eyes standing in the middle of the room. She wasn't wearing any clothing and Joe was able to appreciate her deep coat and Cutie Mark of three black ribbons. Joe smiled at the sight of her face and ran a hoof through his greasy, matted mane.
“Oh, hey there, Red. Good to see you. Unfortunately something came up and I have to leave for the airdock immediately.”
Joe came out from behind the counter and met Red Velvet in the middle of the room. They sat down together at one of the empty booths near a window and Joe opened up the blinds.
“Does this have something to do with the donuts you were supposed to make for Princess Celestia.” she asked innocently.
It took a moment for Joe to register what she had meant. He remembered the Royal Guard from the previous night and how Velvet convinced him to go to the castle.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
Velvet reached out and put a hoof on Joe’s. Joe felt the sweat behind his ears again.
“Well do you really, really have to go?” She said with a wink of an eye, “You could always just stay here you know.”
“Yeah I suppose I could. It certainly would be easier just to forget the whole thing. But I’m afraid there is a bit of a mess I need to clean up.
Joe removed his hoof from under Velvet’s. The concern was apparent on her face and he immediately regretted saying so much.
“Something from your past?” she asked.
“There’s an old friend of mine who is in some hot water and it’s partially because of me. Now I need to go and make things right with him. I've been hiding behind that counter for too long now. It’s about time I face reality and pony up.”
Velvet exhaled in disappointment and cast her eyes to the side.
“Just when things were getting interesting again.”
Velvet stared out the window into the streets of Canterlot. The towering castle loomed over the horizon and the streets were once again bustling with the social elite and the needlessly rich. Joe watched as she cradled herself in her hooves and stared out into the world half lost in thought. Joe stood up out of the booth and put his hoof around her shoulder. He guided her up and towards the door after he closed the blinds again. Before he opened the door he shared another long glance with Velvet.
“When did you did you say you had to leave again?” she asked.
“Immediately.”
Joe reach for the door but Velvet grabbed his arm and pulled him closer to her. Their lips met and lingered before Velvet reared back and stared at him with those eyes of hers.
“Well… Almost immediately.” Joe corrected himself. He locked his lips with hers again and, still within her embrace, he locked the door to the donut shop and turned out the lights.
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 4: Welcome to Janeighca
“Welcome Everypony to beautiful Janeighca.” the lovely voice spoke over the intercom at the airdock. “Please have your passports ready as you exit the airship.”
Joe’s flight to Janeighca was smooth and without incident. As Joe exited the airship into the airdock lobby, he could already smell the salty, ocean air. The lobby was bustling with ponies-- most of them Zebras. All the stripes made Joe dizzy and it was difficult to tell where one Zebra ended and another began. The crowded building was naturally filled with the sounds of hundreds of indecipherable chatter, but unlike the ambient white noise of a typical crowded room this chatter had a rhythm to it. The voices ebbed and flowed like the tide. As Joe walked past the merchant stands and tourist traps selling their trinkets and t-shirts, Joe found himself unconsciously trotting to the rhythm of the Zebras’ peculiar speech patterns.
Joe took the time to admire some traditional Zebra tribal masks being sold by one of the merchants. He could tell that they were of decent quality despite the fact that they were just souvenirs. As Joe studied the craftsmanship, there was a bright flash in the corner of his eye. The flash caught him off guard and blurred his vision slightly. Joe shook the sight back into his eyes and turned to see happy Pegasus family walking away from a cool blue mare with burnt orange mane and an old fashioned camera strapped around her neck. She saw Joe looking at her and quickly cantered over to him with a big smile on her face.
“Welcome to Janeighca!” She said in a chipper voice, “How about a photo to commemorate your arrival? It’s only three bits!”
“Thanks but I don’t want one.” Joe tried to walk around her but she sidestepped and blocked his way.
“It’s customary for all visitors to have their photo taken. It will only take a second!” The photographer winked one of her eyes and playfully licked the light bulb atop the camera. Such a sales pitch might have worked if Joe wasn't in a hurry.
“Please, no photographs.”
“Say cheese!”
Joe tightly closed his eyes to spare himself the blindness and shot his hoof out towards the camera just in time to block the lens.
“Hey! No need to be a jerk!” whined the photographer.
Joe glared at her and pointed his hoof away. The mare tutted in frustration and trotted towards another, more willing, tourist. Joe left the crowded airdock lobby, but the rhythm of Zebra talk still rang in his ears. Outside the main building, yellow taxi carriages lined up waiting to make their modest wages. Most of the taxi drivers were Earth Ponies but a modest amount of Zebras and Pegasi were there too. Joe walked up to a rather young and eager looking Earth Pony. As Joe removed his saddlebags, he told the pony that he was going to Equestria House. But before Joe could hop into the cab, he felt a hoof tap his shoulder.
“Excuse me, sir, but would you happen to be Con Mane?” Joe turned around and saw a yellow Earth Pony with a grey cap standing behind him.
“”That depends on just who do you think you are.” Joe replied. The softly smiling pony seemed undeterred by the curt response.
“I’m the chauffeur.” he answered while pointing down the road to a rather comfortable looking white carriage. “I was sent by Equestria House to collect you.”
Joe smiled at the pony and shook his hoof. “Well ain't that kind of you?” Joe unstrapped his saddlebags and hoofed them to the chauffeur.
“Shall we be going, sir?” The driver started trotting towards his carriage.
“Hold your horses will you?” Joe stopped the driver by stretching out a hoof in front of him. “I want to drop off my luggage at the hotel on the way first.”
“Of course, sir.”
“First let me call them up so I can check my reservation.”
“Well I can do that, sir. You just make yourself comfortable.”
The driver turned to make his way towards the pay phone but once again Joe impeded his progress.
“No, I’m good.” Joe reassured the pony, “You just take care of my bags alright?”
“I’ll be waiting by the carriage, sir.”
The dejected driver slowly trotted towards his carriage with Joe’s bags while Joe made his way towards a glass phone booth that sat near the lobby entrance. A dark grey Pegasus finished up his call just as Joe approached and freed up the booth. The Pegasus took a newspaper from the nearby stand and began reading it. Joe placed a bit into the coin slot and waiting for the machine to click and ping in acceptance before putting the receiver to his ear.
“Yes, operator? Yeah, get me Equestria House.”
a few moments passed and a mare’s voice answered the phone. “Hello, Equestria House, Janeighca. This is Desire.”
“Hello, Equestria House? I’d like to speak with Governor Claymold, please. Tell him this is Con Mane, three-three-zero.”
“One moment please.”
Joe waited for about a minute for anypony to pick up. He glanced at his watch and looked over towards his driver who was impatiently rocking on his hooves in front of the carriage.
“Hello, Mr. Mane?” answered an older sounding stallion, “Have you arrived in Janeighca safely?
“Yeah the flight was fine.” Joe answered.
“Would you be interested in a pleasant lunch? Say around one o’clock?”
“Yeah, sure, dinner, one o’clock your place. I’ll bring flowers. Whatever.” Joe said in an impatient rush. “Listen! Did you you send a carriage to pick me up?”
“Why, no. I was under the impression that you didn't want a formal reception.”
“Dang right. I’ll see you soon, Governor. But I might be a tad late.”
Joe hung up the phone and exited the phone booth where the Pegasus was still reading his paper. Joe walked up to the driver.
“Are you all finished, Mr. Mane?” he said with a friendly smile.
“Yeah, yeah, let’s go.”
Joe hopped into the carriage. The seat was actually padded and much more comfortable than any taxi he had ever ridden. The driver strapped himself to the harness.
The driver turned to Joe and asked, “Where would you like to go, sir? Equestria House?”
“Yeah, but I ain't in a hurry. Just take me for a ride.”
The driver tipped his hat with his hoof and then reared back on his hind legs. He took off at full speed down the road.
Nearby the grey Pegasus folded up his newspaper and calmly entered a taxi being drawn by a rather burly Zebra with a braided mane. The Zebra reared back and took off in the same direction as Joe.
The sunlight reflected off of the still waves of the Ponibean Sea in a dazzling display of glitter and sheen. The ocean air danced through Joe’s scruffy mane as the driver continued to gallop at full speed down the scenic road that passed by the cliffs that overlooked the sea. Although Joe enjoyed the cool breeze, the occasional bump on the uneven road made it difficult for him to enjoy the beautiful scenery around him. As the path continued further into the hills the road began to curve more liberally, but the driver did not let up on his pace. It was only after the cliff side wheel of the carriage nearly went over the edge at a particularly sharp corner that Joe had lost the sense of joy in the joyride.
“Don’t you think you’re going a bit fast there, buddy?” Joe called out to the driver.
The driver did not let up and continued his frantic pace. He turned his head just slightly to the side to communicate. “I’m sorry, sir, but the carriage behind us has been tailing us for the past 8 miles.”
“Oh has it now?”
Joe stretched his back and peered over the side of the cart. Several hoofspans behind his carriage was indeed a taxi. A Zebra, larger than any Zebra Joe had ever seen, drew the carriage in a determined gallop. His black and white mane was heavily braided into dread locks that fell over his bulging eyes. His nostrils flared with physical exertion. At the reigns was a Pegasus with a charcoal grey coat. He wore sunglasses over his eyes and, unlike his driver, looked calm and focused. His brilliant red mane blew behind him in the wind, giving the appearance of a roaring inferno. The tax was drawing ever closer to Joe’s carriage, fueled by the Zebra’s strength and determination. Joe even started to make out the Pegasus’ Cutie Mark-- a star with a tail of fire.
“You know them, sir?” The driver asked with a twinge of concern.
“Nope.” Joe coldly replied. “I think we oughta try and lose them.”
The driver thrust his neck forward and mustered all the strength he could pull from his Earth Pony body. Joe had always heard of the magical strength that Earth Pony’s were said to possess. He had never known whether the Earth Ponies’ abilities were magical in nature or not, but if there was ever a time for Joe to become a believer it was now. The driver’s hooves became a yellow blur. Joe could feel the once relaxing breeze on his face turn into a sharp wind. The wheels of the carriage creaked and cracked with stress. Joe turned around to check the taxi again. It was working! The taxi was pulling further and further away. The road led out of the hills and they were now galloping away from the ocean. As the cliff rocks slowly disappeared, dense shrubbery took their place. Joe clenched his hooves on the reins as he quickly looked for any form of respite on the road.
“There!” Joe shouted as he pointed his hoof to an easily dismissed dirt road that turned off from the main street. The road was being concealed by a rather large, overgrown bush. Joe helped direct the driver with the reins and the carriage sharply veered to the right. The wheels of the carriage blew up a maelstrom of dust that concealed their carriage as they hid behind the large bush. Joe held his breath as he listened intently on the growing sound of the gallops and wheels of the taxi that drew ever closer. The sounds reached the tip of the crescendo and then dissipated down the road. The taxi had passed them completely.
the driver breathed a heavy sigh of relief. That relief was lost however when a bizarre, tingling tightness enveloped his entire body. As his body was engulfed by a green light, he felt his hooves lifted from the ground and his body pulled out of the harness. He helplessly looked down at an angry Con Mane who was levitating him in the air with his horn.
Joe’s horn struggled slightly under the weight of a well built Earth Pony, but he held his magic steady.
“Wh-what’s going on?” Asked the panicked pony, “Let me go!”
“I think you and I need to have a little talk before your friends back there double back. who’re you working for?”
“I don't know what you are talking about.” The driver whimpered while he futilely squirmed around in the magic aura. “I was just sent to pick you up at the airdock!”
“Yeah? By who?”
“Um… Equestria House?”
Joe charged his horn and tightened the field around the driver. “Yeah and I’m an Alicorn Princess. Try again! Who told you I was coming? Talk or I’ll use my magic to crush you into custard.”
“Alright! Alright I’ll tell you! Just let me go!”
“Alright but no funny business.”
Joe didn't want to release the lying driver, but he really had no choice. His magic wouldn't have been able to hold him much longer due to his weight and constant squirming. Joe cut off his magic, letting his prisoner fall onto the heavy dirt road with a heavy thud. Joe’s temples throbbed with pain, but he fought against the urge to wince.
“See?” Joe said, “I’m a nice pony. Now talk!”
The driver slowly got back up on his hooves. He stumbled around a bit, so the fall must have hurt. Still quivering in fear, the driver pointed to a saddle bag sitting in a compartment behind the carriage’s harness.
“May I have a muffin first? I’m hungry.” said the shaking driver. Joe gave the driver a skeptical look. As Joe took a step closer, the driver swallowed hard then tried to smile innocently. “There are some in my saddlebag there. Please?”
Joe scoffed at the driver’s pathetic whimpers and levitated the saddle bag over to him. His horn and temples throbbed again but he couldn't risk turning his back on the driver. Joe opened the bag and cautiously looked through it’s contents. Joe couldn't see any weapons or traps and sure enough inside was a plastic baggy containing three muffins. Joe reach in and grabbed a muffin. He tossed it to the driver who nearly fumbled the catch.
“There. Happy?” Joe asked.
“Yes.” the driver replied, “Thank you.”
The driver took one large bite into the muffin. Joe the realized how hungry he truly was. He hadn't eaten anything since leaving Canterlot and he was craving for donuts. Joe was contemplating the idea of forcing his captive to share his baked goods when suddenly the muffin fell out of the pony’s hooves and into the dirt. His breathing suddenly became erratic. Joe saw his pupils widen. He choked and gagged as he wrapped his hooves around his throat. The driver almost fell to the ground in his spasms but Joe caught him.
Joe clenched his shoulder around the pony’s shoulders and shook him violently. ”What happened? What’d you do?”
“Curse… You…” said the driver is a painful rasp.
The driver’s eyes became glazed and vacant. Joe let go and allowed the body to drop to the ground. He carefully and cautiously picked up the muffin with the one, deadly bite taken out of it.
“I don't think I’m hungry anymore.” Joe said to himself.
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 5: Good Ol' Strange Ways
As Joe pulled the carriage up to the front of the large, white building, a Royal Guard in full golden armor slowly marched down the steps leading to the entrance way and politely unfastened Joe’s harness.
“Welcome to Equestria House, Janeighca.” said the soldier politely, “Looks like your passenger fell asleep on you.”
Joe looked into the comfortable compartment of the white carriage. Sitting in the seat was a yellow Earth Pony with his eyes closed and limping to the side with his mouth hanging open.
“Actually,” Joe explained, “he’s my driver and an assassin. I’m Con Mane of Mane6 Intelligence.”
Suddenly realizing he was in the presence of a superior officer, the Royal Guard saluted and stood at attention. Joe didn't bother to return the formality.
“Sergeant,” Joe continued, “make sure he doesn't get away, will you?”
Joe trotted up the pristine white stairs to the entrance of Janeighca’s capitol building. He noted the two marble statues on either side of the door depicting the royal sisters. He was impressed by the craftsmanship. Once Joe was through the door, the soldier relieved himself and turned his attention towards the sleeping Earth Pony.
“Alright, you.” he barked, “Wake up! You’d better come with-”
As the guard touched the pony’s shoulder his body fell lifelessly to the side which his hat to fall unceremoniously to the floor.
“Welcome to Janeighca, Mr. Mane!”
An old purple coated Earth Stallion rose up from behind his desk and greeted Joe with a hoofshake. The stallion squinted at Joe through a pair of impressively thick lenses. His mane line had completely receded leaving nothing behind but pathetic wisps of white hair. He wore pants that didn't match his coat and Joe assumed his tail was tucked inside them as to avoid possible embarrassment.
“You must be Governor Claymold.” Joe returned the greeting.
“Ah, yes. Let me introduce you to Desire, my secretariat.”
Claymold waved his hoof to the corner of the room where a young mare stood smiling politely. She was a unicorn with a very pale, canary yellow coat. She wore her mane long and straight and it was a charming robin egg blue with a single hot pink streak. He noticed she probably wore extension on her tail and her cutie mark was an envelope adorned with a heart. She bowed towards Joe and he returned the greeting with a quick nod of the head.
“Desire, “ ordered Claymold, “some muffins for our guest.”
“No, thank you,” Joe interjected quickly, “I think I've decided to quit muffins for a while.”
“Very well, just for me then.”
Desire raised a dainty hoof in curtsy and calmly trotted towards the back door of the office. Joe watched as the extensions in her tail danced with her strut like a worm on a hook. Claymold returned to his desk and lit a pipe not too dissimilar to MARE’s. Whatever it was that the governor had chosen to smoke was sweet like a perfume. The presence of the fumes was a welcome addition to the rather drab and under-decorated office and provided it with much needed atmosphere. The only decor adorning the walls was a rather blurry portrait of Princess Celestia- most likely a print or duplicate- and a wall mounted map of Janeighca and some of the surrounding islands. With Desire having left the room, there was nothing left to stimulate Joe visually and so he focused on the soothing pipe smoke. The strawberry scent, coupled with the now obviously present grandfather clock ticking away, lulled Joe into a heavy relaxation. He jerked back into an upright position at the sound of the office door executing the silence.
“Governor,” said the Pegasus who walked in, “it turns out that carriage was definitely stolen.”
The Pegasus was another member of the Royal Guard as could be seen by his pure white coat and electric blue mane which were magically augmented by his golden armor which was more decorated than most soldiers’.
“Commander Mane, this is our Chief of Security.”
“Good day, Commander.” The Security Chief saluted. Joe decided not to return the honor. He hated pulling his rank and on top of that it always amused him to see how long these military drones could hold out standing on only three hooves.
“Have you learned anything about the driver, Chief?” Joe asked.
“Sir! We haven’t been able to identify the driver yet. We ran his Cutie Mark through our database but nothing came up. Whoever he was, he wasn't from Janeighca.” The Chief continued to hold the salute.
“Well whoever he was, he knew where to find me and who I was. Somepony talked.”
“Well it was certainly none of our ponies.” the governor said quite defensively.
“Nah,” Joe said to put Claymold at ease, “I got the impression that somepony was selling tickets.” Joe turned towards the Security Chief. His knees were starting to wobble and he even spread his wings just slightly to maintain his balance. “As I understand it, you were one of the last ponies to see Strange Ways?”
“Yes, unfortunately,” said the uncomfortable soldier, “The governor and I along with Grey Granite, the rock farmer. The four of us played bridge every week. It was right after our last game that he disappeared. You want me to bring him in?”
“Nah, I like meeting ponies more socially. I’m a social kind of stallion.”
“I’ll introduce you later.” Claymold said.
“And what of his secretariat?” Joe then noticed that the Chief’s lips were trembling, “Would you knock that off already?”
With a sigh of relief, the Security Chief placed all four hooves flat on the ground.
“None of us ever got a chance to meet her, “ he continued his report, “She was just recently assigned. The Royal Guard has searched Strange Ways’ house. We found traces of blood but no sign of her. A window was broken and the radio transmitter left on.”
“I’d like to take a look at the house too if you don’t mind.”
“I can take you right away, Commander.”
“And don't call me ‘Commander.’”
“Yes, Com- um, sir.”
Desire returned to the room with a plate full of freshly baked muffins that trumped the sweet scent of the pipe. Claymold greedily took one of them as soon as the plate was set down. He was about to take a large bite when he recollected his manners.
“Be sure to let us know if there is anything we can do to assist you.” he said before diving into his treat.
Desire held out a muffin towards Joe and pleaded at him with large rose-red eyes.. As tantalizing as the image was, Joe merely smiled at the mare and went on his way with the Security Chief following close behind.
Strange Ways’ house was very large as Janeighca hideaways came. The walls on both the interior and exterior of the estate were painted in a beach sand beige, giving the place an old, yet stately look. A tall rod iron gate separated the outer lawn from the city street. The grass, which was considered a luxury in Janeighca, was kept watered by a magically powered fountain. Judging by the way the water fell onto the lawn, Joe wagered a guess that it was powered by Pegasopolan Raindrops. Strange Ways obviously had money to spare. As the sun raged over the island city, Joe came to regret his decision to wear his suit and tie to his meeting with Claymold. Sweat had already made a mess of his mane; his horn was once again hidden within the confines of his uncontrollable bangs. Joe undid his bow tie and unbuttoned his collar in order to allow himself to breathe. He couldn't wait to get inside the building.
The interior of the house was sparsely decorated aside from the bare minimum of comfortable chairs and desks. Joe thought at first that the place had been ransacked but there were no signs of petty theft outside the forced entry. Joe wondered if this humble interior decorating was a part of Janeighcan culture.
The Chief of security led Joe to the study. “Well, this is it; Strange Ways’ estate. You can see the broken window there- it was smashed from the outside. As well as the blood stain on the carpet. Analysis indicated that the blood belonged to an Earth Pony and matched the secretariat’s blood type. Over here is the radio transmitter behind a false shelf in the bookcase. It was on when the Royal Guard investigated. I tried transmitting but I got no response.”
“And you never will,” Joe explained, “Canterlot changes all internal frequencies as soon as security’s broken. Did the Royal Guard find anything?”
“Nothing of note, sir. No hoofprints aside from Strange Ways’ and the secretariat’s. No magical trace residue either so we’re pretty sure no magic was used.”
“Professional job. Whoever did this knew what they were doing.”
Joe looked through the drawers of the desk. They were filled with manila folders and black files that signified they were ‘top secret’ files that were magically locked to those without access. Some of the slots were empty, but that didn't necessarily indicate theft. Joe became discouraged. Were the intruders only after Strange Ways and the secretariat? If they did steal something, Joe couldn't tell what. As Joe scoured through the clutter of the desktop, he saw something sticking out from the bottom of the typewriter. Strange Ways’ bizarre habits returned to Joe’s memory. He remembered that anything super important, Strange Ways would hide under the typewriter. Joe moved the outdated machine and found a single small strip of paper.
“What’s this here?” he said mostly to himself, “a receipt?”
“Yes, we found that earlier. We didn't think it important so we put it back where we found it. The receipt is from Grey Granite. He’s good friends with Strange Ways. It seems that Strange Ways had recently started dabbling in amateur geology.”
Joe folded up the receipt and tucked it away into the pocket of his dinner jacket. “I’d like to talk to him at some point.”
“Governor Claymold and I can introduce you at the gentlecolts’ club, sir.”
“Works for me. Wait a minute… That picture.”
a small photograph in a wooden frame caught Joe’s eye. The picture was of Strange Ways posing happily with a Zebra in front of a small red and white motorboat on the Ponibean. Seeing Strange Ways smile like that with his hoof around another pony made Joe strangely melancholic.
“Good old Strange Ways…” Joe sighed, “I walk away from the service and he gets himself a promotion. Just goes to show you what kind of pony he truly is.”
“Yes, that sounds like him.” the Chief chuckled.
“He’s a native Zebra named Anavua. Strange Ways hired his boat a few times for fishing trips.”
“He tailed me at the airdock.” Joe could clearly recalled the Zebra with his bulging eyes and manic charge towards Joe’s carriage like a pony possessed all the while a dark grey Pegasus with a fiery mane calmly steered the cab.
“Sounds like he’s worth looking into,” the chief said, “He’s normally docked at the south wharf.
“Thanks, Chief. I think that’ll be all. You will let me know if anything comes up.”
“Yes, sir. For now I’ll return you to Governor Claymold. Together we can meet Professor Granite at the gentlecolt’s club.”
During the ride back to Equestria House, Joe took off his dinner jacket to relieve himself of an annoying burn that itched his skin. Deep down inside, Joe knew it wasn't the scorching sun that had him hot under the collar.
Traditional Zebra calypso echoed through the dimly lit lounge of the club. Beautiful Zebra mares in exotic dresses and adorned with gold jewelry delivered strong drinks to the wealthy stallions that laughed loudly while lost in their vices. All around Joe he saw members of all three of the major equine tribes divulging in games, drink and the… local color. Ever since Janeighca became an Equestrian colony, it has become a haven for those ponies who were too rich to give any sort of damn about the political tribulations that faced their country. It was a Garden of Faust- a paradise that surrounded those that lived there with a bubble of blissful ignorance. Still, what Joe saw around him wasn't an escape. It was merely a fleeting dream. A dream from which these stallions, with their cider and their mares, will soon awaken only to find themselves drowned in a greater nightmare. The colonists knew that their money and resources would eventually run out and they will no longer be able to sustain their paradise. The genlecolt’s club, this safe haven from the troubles of the outside world, was beginning to look suspiciously like the back of a donut shop to Joe’s eyes.
A rather demure Zebra, a mix breed if Joe had to guess, brought freshly squeezed cider to the three ponies that accompanied Joe at his table. Joe opted to order a delicious slice of coconut cream pie. The Chief of Security had removed his helmet and happily drank the foamy beverage. Governor Claymold was content in letting his mug sit for several minutes. By the time he did attend to it, the foam had subsided and he barely took a sip. The pony Joe was truly interested in was the elderly Earth Pony with the sickly green coat. His skin was leathery and wrinkled. It even sagged in some places. His mane was a peppery grey and white. It was wiry and slithered out in all directions as if it hadn't been washed in years. It looked as though an old dirty mop had somehow became fused with his head. Joe could barely see the stallion’s tired old eyes through his cobweb of bangs. When Joe and the others arrived at the club, this pony was already at the table awaiting them… with two empty glasses already in front of him.
“May I introduce you to Professor Grey Granite, the local rock farmer.” Claymold said politely, “Professor Granite, this is Con Man from Canterlot. He is a detective looking into the disappearance of Strange Ways.”
It was a decent enough cover, Joe thought to himself, and not too far from the truth. “Hey there, Professor.” Joe shook the Professor’s hoof. It felt as tough and dry as a rock. “So I hear you were one of the last ponies to see Strange Ways?”
“Yes.” Grey Granite’s voice was just as old and weathered as the rest of him. A dry desert wind blew from his mouth as he spoke, “Curious, isn't it? Strange Ways disappearing like that? Or is it?” Granite laughed; or at least Joe assumed it was a laugh judging from the crooked smile. It just as easily could have been an ax grinding on a whetstone. “That secretariat of his was rather nice. It really doesn't surprise me in the least, those two galloping off together.”
Granite took a large swig of cider and then wiped his mouth with his hoof. His leathery lips hung in place to the side of his muzzle before slowly slithering back into place. Joe had long ago stopped eating his pie.
“Did you know her?” Claymold asked.
“Well, I've seen her around the island. You know...” Granite was more interested in finishing his cider than his sentence. Joe’s ears were hurting from Granite’s grinding sandpaper of a voice and the indulgent laughter of the club was more than he could bare.
“I suppose none of you can shed any light on what the heck happened to him?”
The security chief finished his mug and chuckled unprofessionally. “The only things he ever talked about were big game fishing and bridge.”
“Fishing was the latest crazed,” Claymold went on as he successfully nursed the first half of his drink, “He caught the bug around three weeks ago and went out practically every day since.”
“It’s rather funny you know…” Granite said with a relaxed smile, “Those blasted Zebra charge a hoof and a tail to charter. And that “avenue” is the most expensive of them all.”
“You mean Anavua?” Joe asked.
“Sure, why not?” said Granite whose head was starting to wobble under the influence of the cider.
“I think it’s about time I oughta talk to this Anavua… I think I’ll take a trip to the wharf.”
Using this objective as the perfect excuse to get the hell out of the sickening hive of leisure, Joe got out of his seat and left the gentlecolt’s club. The Chief of Security ordered another cider and he and Claymold played a game of cards. Meanwhile Professor Granite tried to impress the Zebra waitress with his ability to stand on his hind hooves, only to end up falling down and spending the night on the floor.
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 6: Lunar Intelligence Agency
It was a symphony of seagulls and crashing waves, accompanied by the percussion of hooves clopping on weathered, wooden docks and simple sailing ships gently nudging their neighbors tied to the moors. The Janeighcan fishing trade, along with tourism, kept the island colony afloat. The fish that occupied the Ponibean waters served all sorts of purposes throughout the world. Carnivorous beings, such as Griffons, would pay top bit for fresh Ponibean crab. Fish oil was used for medicinal purposes as an ingredient in many healthcare products and Zebra potion brews. Many wealthy ponies even fished just for sport.
There were very few ponies at the docks when Joe arrived. The midday heat was squelching and a passing overcast had made the air humid. Most of the fishing boats were docked with their captains scrubbing away or performing various maintenance. The sea side restaurants and cider shacks were all empty save for staff preparing their establishments for the late night rush. As Joe slowly walked down the hill towards the sandy shore he scoped out the many Zebras that were attending their boats. Whenever the Zebras would bunch up together, Joe’s vision would wander and blur. He couldn't keep his eyes focused on any one Zebra for too long and after a while they all started to look the same. Joe questioned whether or not that was a testament to their evolution, or if he was just being racist.
A very young Zebra filly was walking across the boardwalk towards Joe’s direction. She happily carried a small basket of assorted fruits on her back and Joe assumed she must be helping out one of her parents at one of the nearby shacks. Joe walked over to the filly and stopped her in her tracks.
“Hey, kid.” He said. The little filly stepped back a bit. She was clearly uncomfortable with Joe’s presence and so he put on his most trusting smile. “Hey, it’s ok. I just want to ask for directions. Would you happen to know where I can find a Zebra named Anavua? He’s big, with a braided mane.” Joe mimed the dreadlocks around his head with his hooves.
The Zebra foal’s eyes seemed to brighten a bit and she pointed her hoof towards a small fishing boat tied to the docks with a red and white paint job. A large Zebra wearing a bright red collared shirt was kneeling in front of it.
“That there Zebra using glue to patch a leak. That is the pony that you seek.” The little foal’s voice squeaked with enthusiasm.
The Zebra in question raised his head slightly to wipe the sweat out of his eyes, and Joe could definitely make out Anavua’s telltale mane-do.
“Thanks, kid.” Joe said, “Yer a big help!”
The foal’s eyes widened and twinkled. She then continued on her way, skipping along with closed eyes, a massive smile and singing a local folk song.
“Underneath the apple tree, me pony and me, under Luna’s Moon.”
Now feeling particularly good about himself, Joe carefully trotted towards the red and white dinghy. He brushed away a trickle of sweat from his matted mane and was glad that he wisely changed out of his business suit. He was wearing an off-white collared shirt that coolly flapped in the ocean breeze. As Joe approached Anavua he was able to fully appreciate the girth of the Zebra. He was easily one and a half times the typical size of his fellow brethren. Joe, as out of shape as he was, possessed a size that was typical of many Earth Pony stallions (which had always led him to believe that he came from a line of Earth Pony farmers). And yet even he could sense the aura of intimidation. The large Zebra was clenching a paintbrush in his mouth. Nearby sat a bucket of freshly harvested tree sap that he was using to coat a small patch of the boat’s exterior.
“Hey, you!” Joe said loudly enough to outperform the nearby waves. The Zebra either did not hear, or chose to ignore Joe. “Your name Anavua?”
The Zebra snorted hot air from his nostrils and stopped painting. He spoke without taking his eyes off of his work, still clenching the brush in his teeth.
“Whether or not I look up from my task… will depend on why you ask.” He dipped his brush into the bucket for fresh sap and continued his project.
“I’m looking to hire this fine boat of yours” Joe said. And it was a fine boat. The frame was streamlined yet sturdy. The motor on the back of the boat was probably powered by bottled lightning; not as efficient or expensive as rainbows but a craft like this would certainly run circles around a simple sailboat. Anavua still did not pay Joe any heed.
“I’m afraid you made a waste of a trip. For you see, Captain, I don’t hire out my ship.”
“But I hear you recently took out a pony named Strange Ways on a fishing trip.”
Anavua flared his nostrils yet again. “Maybe not, maybe so. But it ain't something you need to know.”
“Well actually Strange Ways was a good friend of mine.”
Anavua smiled at the remark and blew air again, but this time it more resembled a laugh. “Well ain't that fantastic? You pony folk always say friendship is magic.”
“I was hoping you could tell me what happened to him?”
Anavua finally placed his brush in his bucket and stood up on all fours. He stared at Joe through his raggedy braids. “As far as I know, nothing happened.” He smirked and narrowed his brow. “Unless you know different, Captain.”
“Where did you take him?” Joe asked calmly.
“Guess I got the wrong address.” Joe relented. Anavua’s smile grew even wider.
"Don’t feel bad, Captain. Things like this tend to happen.” Anavua bent down and picked up the bucket’s handle with his teeth. “Now I’m afraid I must be going. I find this conversation very boring.”
Joe could only watch in silence as Anavua trotted away down the pier. Joe tightly clenched his jaw as he watched his only lead get away. Joe’s mind turned to Strange Ways. Images of various scenarios flashed in his mind, all of which involved Anavua and his cocky smile. He kept his eye on the Zebra who was moving farther and farther away. This time, when Anavua passed by other Zebras, Joe’s vision did not waver. He knew that Anavua was one Zebra he would never forget.
Just as Joe was prepared to leave the docks with nothing to show for his troubles, he noticed that Anavua had stopped in the distance. He turned his head and looked backwards towards Joe’s direction. Even from that distance Joe could feel Anavua’s gaze on him. Joe always felt that there was something magical about a Zebra’s eyes. They would always look mystical and knowledgeable. There were times when he was sure that their eyes would glow with an otherworldly light and staring into them would put a pony into a trance. Joe could feel it this time too. He could feel a strange sensation dance across his body like a spell. It beckoned him like a beautiful song or a freshly baked loaf of bread. Joe was already walking down the pier towards Anavua. Anavua was on the move again as well. He went inside a large fruit shack that was built over the beach with a wide open store front and plenty of room for dancing. As Joe approached the shack, his attention turned to the Zebra filly from earlier. She happily stood atop a small stage out near the boardwalk. Behind her stood a family of fully grown Zebra playing traditional music on horn, guitar and marimba. The filly sang into a microphone along with her band. Her voice was young in pitch but experienced in tradition. Joe found himself walking towards the shack to the rhythm of the uptempo, tropical beat.
Underneath the apple tree, me pony and me Under Luna’s Moon Underneath the apple tree, me pony and me Will be married soon
Underneath the moonlit sky, me pony and I Come sit hoof in hoof Underneath the moonlit sky, me pony and I Dream of building a roof.
The restaurant was empty, but the inside was well built. Strong, sturdy beams held up the thick, hay roof. Joe saw Anavua sitting at a stool in front of the juice bar which was being attended by a kind looking Zebra polishing a glass. Joe approached the counter and stood at Anavua’s side.
“Waiter, I’ll have hay, nice and long.” said Anavua, pretending to just now notice Joe, “Well if it isn't my friend what gets addresses wrong. You found the right one this time, if good food is what you’re hoping to find.”
“Good food is only one half of a good diner.” Joe hopped onto one the stools next to Anavua’s. “The other half is friendly conversation.”
“If there is something private you wish to confide, a private place I can provide.” Anavua pointed towards a small cabana made out of tightly knitted palm tree branches. “If a place to talk is what you need, that back room there should do the deed.”
Anavua calmly got out of his stool and nodded at the barkeep who nodded back. Joe walked alongside Anavua and when they got to the door of the cabana there was a silent contest over who should enter first. Joe took the lead and entered the room which was obviously used for storage. Piles of bags and stacks of boxes filled with packaged grain lined the walls. Anavua entered next and shut the door behind him, blocking it with his massive frame. The room was cramped as it was and the presence of two large stallions didn't help matters. The lack of options available made Joe uneasy.
“Now that we can privately speak, how about you have a seat?”
“No, I’ll stand thanks.”
“Now in a friendly chat we shall take part. Now hows about you start!” Anavua’s friendly demeanor had vanished. His words were harsh and his muscles tensed. His nostrils flared with each breath.
“Tell me what you know about Strange Ways!” Joe returned the hostility.
Joe charged his horn. The grass green glow of his magic danced on the walls of the small room. Joe focused his concentration on Anavua’s large body. It would take everything Joe had to keep him from moving. However, the spell would not connect. Tried as Joe might, he wasn't able to wrap his spell around Anavua. Joe’s couldn't keep his vision focused again. No. It wasn't Joe’s sight that was blurry, It was Anavua himself. His form shimmered and danced like a mirage on a highway. Anavua was a flame upon a candlestick, flickering in and out of existence until all that was left of him was a ghostly wisp of smoke. Before Joe could investigate Anavua’s strange disappearance, something strong and thick pulled Joe backwards by the neck. He struggled to breath against the black striped arm that pressed tightly against his throat. Anavua’s head was right next to his, holding a large blade in his mouth, held near inches away from Joe’s jugular. Anavua’s nostrils flared intensely and rapidly and Joe could feel his hot sticky breath.
“If you weren't focused on your magical attack, you would have remembered to watch your back!” It was a decoy, Joe realized. An illusion Anavua used to distract Joe while the real thing snaked behind with the knife. It was a typical example of the Zebras’ cowardly excuse for magic. “You have been warned,” Anavua gloated with glee, “turn around now and I’ll cut off your horn.. And don’t try to run. I wrastle Cragadiles just for fun.”
“Hey,” Joe said in a strangled breath, “that’s a pretty clever trick. Unfortunately you forgot to take into account a key difference between us ponies and Cragadiles. And that’s the fact that the most dangerous part of a pony… is our hind legs!”
Joe bolstered all of his strength into his hind quarters. Channeling the strength of his ancestral roots, Joe pushed through Avanua’s girth his his own weight and bucked the Zebra square in the chest. Avanua crashed into a pile of boxes that splintered open burying him in a pile of broken wood and a tidal wave of oats that spilled out across the floor. With a roaring grunt and the loudest nostril flare Joe had ever heard, Anavua burst through the grain and leaped towards Joe.He pinned Joe to the ground and readied his knife. Joe picked up a nearby bag of potatoes with his magic and jettisoned it into the side of Anavua’s head. The knife, along with a rain of saliva, was forced out of Anvua’s mouth as he was knocked off of Joe’s body. Joe levitated the knife and shot it towards Anavua, stopping it just before the tip of the blade made contact with Anavua’s throat. Anavua was pinned against the far wall with the tip of the blade just short of his esophagus. Anavua would have been dead if Joe was not forced to stop by the sound of a loud metallic click and the feeling of a cold metal rod pressed against the back of his head.
“Hold it.” said a deathly calm voice behind Joe.
In the heat of battle, Joe had allowed his back to face the door. Held at the mercy of whoever had sneaked up behind him, Joe released his magic and the knife fell to the earth with a clatter. Joe was released from the weapon against his head as the pony that sneaked up behind him walked in front of him. It was the Pegasus from the airdock. Joe remembered him from when he and Anavua chased him in the cab. His coat was a dark charcoal grey and his mane and tail were as red as a freshly picked apple. A shooting star with fire for a tail adorned his flank and he wore a pair of thick sunglasses. He stood with both his wings flared out and attached to his right wing was a strange contraption. A thick, long metal barrel stuck out from the outer wing and was attached to a trigger mechanism on the inner wing. It was designed so that all he had to do was flap his wing in a certain way and the trigger would ignite the gunpowder in the barrel.
“Is that a Wing Cannon?” Joe asked in amazement, “Those are rather hard to come by. Normally you’d only find something like that in the NLR.”
“Nice shirt.” said the Pegasus in a deadpan tone, “Who’s your tailor?”
“Hoity Toity.” Joe responded.
“Yeah? Mine’s a pony in Luna City.” The Pegasus held out a golden badge emblazoned with the royal crest of Princess Luna. “Sky Blazer- Lunar Intelligence Agency.”
Sky Blazer finally cracked a smile and held out a hoof which Joe shook. “So we’re fighting the same war, huh?”
“This here is Anavua. He’s been helping me”
Anavua shook the mess out of his fur and walked over to the other ponies, stretching some of his more aching muscles.
“No hard feelings I hope.” Joe said as he shook the Zebra’s hoof.
“Just a sore hoof and that’s all. It has been a while since I had such a good brawl.”
“So you’re the famous Con Mane.” Sky remarked as he scanned Joe up and down. “And here I thought you were retired.”
“Yeah,” Joe said offhoofedly, “so did I.”
“Sorry for not approaching you earlier. When I saw you gallop off with the opposition I had to make sure. Now then, how about we grab some donuts and have a talk?”
The three new friends, with no more animosity between them, returned to the fruit shack which was just starting to become more lively with the oncoming twilight, and settled down in a booth that was tucked away in a quiet corner.
“The LIA traced the black magic to the waters surrounding Janeighca, but our Pegasus scouts can’t pinpoint the exact location.” Sky explained.
Joe picked up an apple fritter and offered it to Anavua. The zebra placed a hoof on his bulging stomach and shook his head. He then turned to Sky who merely waved a hoof. Joe happily scarfed down the treat and eyeballed the platter of baked goods in front of him, trying to decide on his next victim. “What about those freaky Bat-Ponies the NLR employs in their Lunar Guard?” Joe asked, “Don’t they have some kind of special eyes?”
“Yes.” Sky went on, “When Pegasi choose to become Bat-Ponies, they are given magical enhancements in their eyes to allow them to see not only in the dark, but other things that normal ponies can’t see as well. However, their enchantments are somehow being nullified when they fly above the Ponibean. Whoever we’re dealing with here apparently has knowledge of Lunar Magic.”
“And,” Joe added, “the fact that they knew about Strange Ways mean that they most likely have a way of patching into Equestrian Intelligence. My visit was also leaked. Somepony knew I was coming and sent that driver to pick me up.” Joe helped himself to another maple bar.
“You get any information out of him?” asked Sky.
“No. He chose to kill himself with a poisoned muffin. What about Strange Ways? Did he uncover anything before he disappeared?”
“He had me take him to the small islands that are around,” said Anavua, “but no signs of evil were to be found.”
“What islands did he investigate?” Joe asked.
“Just about every place. Sea Serpents Shore, Cockatrice Key and Unicorn’s Grace.”
“And you searched these places thoroughly?”
“All but on we did explore.” Anavua scanned the busy nightclub nervously and then leaned in towards Joe. “We did not stay long on Cockatrice Key’s shore.”
“Well why not?”
Anavua’s eyes widened and his lips trembled in fear. This was not the same Zebra that Joe wrestled with only a few hours ago. “Ain't no business being there.” he said, “For it is the home of a dra-”
FLASH! The blinding light caught the three whispering ponies off guard. As the dancing colors faded from Joe’s sight, he caught glimpse of a cool blue pony with a burnt orange mane trying to escape through the dancing crowd. An old fashioned camera was strapped around her neck.
“Sky we need to stop her.” Joe said frantically.
“Anavua, grab her!” Sky ordered.
In the blink of an eye, Anavua was already out from behind the booth and halfway across the dance floor. The photographer nearly made it to the exit when Anavua violently grabbed her hoof and pulled her back. The photographer yelped in shock.
“Hello, missus.” Anavua said with a fake smile, “Captain wants you to have a drink with us.”
“You black and white brute!” The photographer shrieked in anger.
“So trying to take my picture at the airdock wasn't enough for you, huh?” Joe said sternly.
“Well if you hadn't blocked the lens with your hoof!” she retorted
“Give me the camera.”
Without waiting for permission, Joe yanked the camera off of her neck, ripping the strap. Using his baking magic, Joe turned the inside of the delicate machine into an oven. the heat wreaked havoc on the wiring and before long, with a pop and a spark, smoke billowed out of the camera accompanied by the acrid smell of melted metal. Joe levitated the flaming metal back to the photographer who foolishly tried to pick it up only to immediately drop it on the table in front of her.
“There we go.” Joe smirked, “That’s much better. Now then… Who hired you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nopony hired me!” The photographer nursed her burned hoof but continued to glare at Joe. Joe admired her tenacity, but he was in no mood to play games.
“Oh really?” he said, “Anavua? Twist her leg.”
The photographer’s hoof was yanked away from her by Anavua. She struggled against him but he remained an immovable mountain. With ease, he twisted her entire hoof. The photographer screamed in pain as her bone and sinew grinded against the pressure. Tears ran from her eyes as she instinctively pounded on the table rapidly with her other hoof. Anavua continued to twist her leg, a disturbingly satisfied smile painted on his muzzle.
“Ow! Alright! Alright” The photographer caved in, “I work for… The… The Manehatten Orange!”
With a wave of a hoof from Joe, Anavua loosened his grip on her leg, but still held it firmly in his grasp. The photographer wiggled the hostage hoof slightly, hoping to negate the throbbing numbness.
“Blazer,” Joe ordered, “send a message to the Manehatten Orange. Ask if they sent a photographer here.”
“Wait!” the photographer suddenly jumped as Sky was just about to move, “The Orange didn't send me! I work freelance.”
“Oh, really?” Joe smiled and nodded in amusement, “for who?”
She responded only with another sour look. Joe nodded at Anavua and he continued his tortuous twisting.
“You’re hurting me!” She screamed in agony.
“Well tell us and I’ll make him stop.” Joe order.
The photographer squirmed and struggled manically in hopes of escaping her captors. In desperation she picked up the still smoldering remains of her camera and slammed it into the table, shattering the light bulb. With an animalistic growl, she thrust the shattered bulb into Anavua’s cheek. The large open gash on the side of his face painted his black and grey coat with moist crimson. Still the large beast of a pony smiled sadistically as he allowed the blood to flow into his mouth. It was a horrific sight, even for Joe, and even more so for the photographer. Joe was just glad that the gruesome act was lost upon the patrons that were all still happily dancing away to the calypso beat.
“Are you alright, Anavua!?” asked a concerned Sky Blazer.
“Captain,” Anavua said calmly as he applied several napkins to his wound. “she is feisty and high strung. I don’t think you’ll be able to loosen her tongue.”
Joe looked down at the half-dozen donuts that still remained on his plate. His appetite had betrayed him and was growing weary of the violence.
“Alright, let her go,” Joe said, “She’s already failed. I don’t think she’ll be anymore trouble.”
Anavua released her leg and the photographer quickly cuddled it towards her body like a valuable treasure. “You… you brutes!”
“One pony would rather have her leg broken then talk and another killed himself.” Sky Blazer contemplated, “Who could strike fear in such a way?”
“I dunno,” Joe answered, “but I’m eager to find out.” Joe turned towards Anavua. The Zebra had dropped his manic charade and was nursing the open wound on his muzzle with bloodied napkins. Rogue tears betrayed the pain he was really feeling. “What were you saying about Cockatrice Key?” Joe continued, “Why can’t we go there?”
“It’s a private island,” Blazer explained, “owned by some mining corporation. Nopony is allowed to land there so Strange Ways and Anavua snuck out at night."
“We did not stay for very long.” Anavua explained, “We grabbed some rock samples and then we were gone.”
“There’s nothing out there but a low quality gemstone mine.” Sky scoffed, “The entire facility is guarded to the teeth by Diamond Dogs and a magical motion sensor field.”
Anavua’s lips were once again quivering and shaking. He scanned the room in trepidation, looking for some invisible evil. “That is not all there be upon Cockatrice Key.” Anavua said in a harsh whisper, “For it is the home of a Dragon’s den. Ponies go there, but they ain't never come back again.”
“A Dragon!?” Joe exclaimed, “Rather abnormal climate for Dragons.”
“Local superstition,” Sky brushed it off, “There isn't any proof that an actual Dragon lives there. It’s probably a story to keep the fishermen away.”
“The Dragon’s no lie!” Anavua exclaimed with confidence, “It’s breath can be seen on nights with cloudy skies.”
Joe ran the possibility of a Dragon living on the Ponibean in his head. The last time Joe dealt with Dragons it didn’t end so well for him. Still something in Joe stirred. Determination and curiosity blended in his stomach into a cocktail of excitement. He found his appetite returning all of the sudden and he picked up an old fashioned from the platter.
“This Cockatrice Key is beginning to sound real interesting.” Joe mused, “What else do you know about it?”
“Only the name of the pony who owns it.” Sky said, “Doctor Ironhoof.”
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 7: Don't Come in Daylight
The sun drenched, tropical paradise of Janeighca- home to beautiful beaches, succulent seaweed dishes and the driest, most devoid of color rock farm Joe had ever encountered. A low gentle breeze carried a fog of dust that carpeted the cracked, ugly soil that had not seen water in years. nondescript rocks and crooked dead trees dotted the otherwise flat, bleak landscape. As Joe walked across the dead earth, loose dust danced in the air around him in a ghostly cloud that irritated his nose. Everything on the farm had been drained of life and color. Everything was veiled by a film of dirt. The ground was dirty. The rocks were dirty. The dilapidated, unpainted buildings were dirty. The air was dirty. The dirt was dirty. Joe could feel the dirt clinging to his body in an attempt to add him to the collection of lifeless, miserable scenery.
The noon sun sat high in the sky in a futile attempt to combat the pervading chill. Across the barren field Joe could make out a flicker of color. An old pony with a dark green coat and a face of cracked leather slowly pushed a small boulder across the dead field. He held his head low to the ground as he pushed the rock with his muzzle so that the tendrils of his pepper grey mane nearly touched the ground, creating the illusion of a large sickly spider scuttling along the field.
Joe approached Professor Grey Granite and wondered how it must feel to constantly move around solid rock using only the force provided by one’s head. “Hey there, Professor.” Joe said rather sheepishly. His voice carried farther than he anticipated and its sound lingered in the air as it echoed through the death.
Professor Granite, his work interrupted, stared upwards at his visitor. His leathery face looked even more worn and tattered than usual in the dry air. Through the spidery tendrils that covered his face, Joe could see eyes as vacant as a corpse. His eyelids were half-closed and from the corners oozed a sickly ick. Professor Granite stared at Joe as he would stare at any nondescript rock.
“We met yesterday, remember?” said Joe uncomfortably, “At the club?”
Professor Granite continued to stare at Joe through eye ooze and tangled bangs. “Hello, Mr, Mane.” said Granite in a scratchy voice drier than the farm itself. “What brings you to my humble little farm?”
Unable to shake the feeling he was being eyed by a starving vulture, Joe awkwardly reached into the pocket of his suit and pulled out the small receipt he purloined from Strange Ways’ desk.
“Found this receipt in Strange Ways’ estate.” he said, “It’s your’s, right?”
Granite took the receipt from Joe but his eyes remained fixated on Joe for several moments before he actually read the receipt.
“Let me see here. Ah yes. Strange Ways came to me with a couple of rock samples he found. Claimed they possessed magical qualities and had me run some tests on them.”
Granite nonchalantly crumpled the paper in his hoof. Joe nonchalantly took the receipt back and returned it to his pocket. “And did they?” Joe asked.
“No.” the Professor said with disinterest. “Just ordinary old rocks commonplace in this area. Just goes to show geology isn’t for everypony.”
Whether the phlegm congested hacking that Granite produced next was some sort of laugh or a fit of coughing, Joe couldn’t tell. “Where were the samples taken?” Joe asked.
“Oh I’m sure I wouldn't know” Granite returned to facing the rock he was moving and pressed his forehead against it once again. He grunted as he talked and strained against the boulder at the same time. “They could have been taken from anywhere.”
“Cockatrice Key, perhaps?” Joe asked as naturally as he could. His attention was fixated on Granite and his reaction.
Granite stopped pushing against the stone. He glared at Joe from the slimy corner of his drooping eye. “Most definitely not!” he gargled with vigor.
“Why not?”
“Not geologically possible.” Granite calmed his tone. His speech was back to sounding like draining sand as opposed to a rock slide.
“Can I see the samples?” Joe persisted,
Granite snarled his leathery face. Joe could see the patience draining from Granite along with his eye gunk.
“No!” Granite’s voice was once again a rock slide. “I’m sorry, but I threw them away.”
The perturbed professor pushed against his boulder again, this time with much more force. Joe knew he couldn’t afford to push his questioning any further.
“Alright.” Joe said with friendly professionalism, “Thank you for your time, Professor. I’ll be off.”
Joe turned around and marched back across the barren field of the rock farm. Granite stopped his labor and watched Joe walk farther and farther away into the dusty fog until he himself was no bigger than a grain of sand. Once he knew that Joe was well gone, he marched off in the opposite direction leaving his boulder behind. Granite took a small trail behind the barn that was hidden by brown, dead brush. The trail lead to a small dock- only big enough for a single boat to moor. That boat was a rusty old fishing dinghy with a crude steam engine stuck on the back.
A creature slept atop the wheelhouse. His matted, mangy brown fur was full of dirt. In his sleep, he stretched his hind leg and scratched behind his ear with claws caked black with mud. A bright orange life vest was fitted around his torso.
“You! Mutt!” Granite yelled out to the Diamond Dog.
“I need to go to Cockatrice Key!” Granite said gravely with his gravelly voice. The Diamond Dog shrunk in fear. His legs shook and his ears lowered.
“But you know rules!” It said trembling, “No boats during day!”
“I’ll take all responsibility! It’ an emergency!”
hesitantly, the panicked Diamond Dog hopped off of the wheel house and untied the moor. He pulled out some coal and gems from a small compartment beneath the motor and placed them down the fuel chute. With a few turn of a crank, the engine boiled and whistled. Granite hopped aboard the boat just as the Diamond Dog took the wheel and shoved off.
Grey Granite’s entire body convulsed uncontrollably. The large metal door mechanically slip open in front of him with a ghastly grinding. Granite fought against the paralyzing dread and ventured into the stale white room. The very air of the room felt heavier than a thousand boulders. Granite was barely through the threshold when a distant voice echoed through the silent chamber.
“Sit down.”
Granite nearly collapsed to his knees under the horrible pressure of the disembodied command. The demonic echoes of the voice lingered in Granite’s ears, torturing his mind. In the near corner of the room, a green wisp of magical flame erupted from the ground. The flames bubbled with darkness and when the evil glow diminished, a simple metal chair waited for Granite to take his place. The icy touch of the metal burned Granite’s rump. His eyes darted around the room. He continued to shake in fear of that which he could not see. Other than the chair, the room remained empty. But the far side of the room was cloaked in an unearthly shadow. It was a palpable darkness. heavy and formless.
“Why have you broken my most important rule by coming here during daylight?” the horrible voice echoed from the darkness.
“I’m sorry, sir,” it took all Granite had to give sound to his speech, “but I thought you should know. Con Mane. He’s growing suspicious of Cockatrice Key. He may come here.”
The blackness billowed and writhed. The weight of the room grew even more unbearable.
“I should hope not.” answered the darkness, “If he does you will be held responsible.” the very sound of the voice seemed to wrap itself around Granite’s throat. He tried to swallow his nerves but the tightness was too painful.
“But what if he informs Canterlot? He must be taken care of.”
The darkness pulsed in anger. “I already sent out orders to have him killed. It is you who have failed.”
Granite could feel the pressure on his neck grow tighter.
“That wasn't my fault!” He yelped in a desperate plea, “It was the driver who failed to kill him!”
the raging storm of utter blackness calmed. The darkness wafted with the coolness of night and the choking sensation dissipated. “Very well,” The darkness said with welcoming cynicism, “I shall give you one more chance to ‘take care of him.’”
On the other side of the room, just before the dark veil, another eruption of flickering green and bubbling black emerged. What materialized was a simple wooden stand. Sitting atop the stand was a small iron cage, though it was too far away for Granite to see what was inside.
“Approach the cage.” ordered the voice.
The thought of taking even a single step closer to the infinite blackness filled Granite’s body with dread. But the fear of what would happen had he disobeyed motivated him to move forward. Each hoofstep towards the cage felt like a mile and the entire journey felt as if it had taken days. However, Granite was eventually close enough to see the inside of the cage. Staring back at him, with eight glistening eyes, was a large, hairy black spider. The creature was the size of a hoof and a pair of massive fangs protruded from the gruesome creature’s head. The spider stared at Granite with intriguing fascination. As Granite approached, the spider’s legs danced with anticipation and the massive fangs moistened in hunger.
“Pick it up.” the voice ordered. The trembling professor’s mind was so panicked he could barely remember his own name. “Pick it up!” The darkness exploded in anger.
Granite whimpered pathetically as he held out a hoof towards the handle of the cage. As he drew near, one of the spider’s spindly legs clamped onto the iron bars and stuck its dripping fangs through the gaps. Granite instinctively withdrew his hoof.
“What is this thing?” Granite asked through his chattering teeth,
“That is a Medusarantula.” The darkness answered, “One bite from its poisonous fangs, and the victim turns to stone.”
“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with--”
“You know what to do.”
Granite gulped loudly. He felt as though the spider’s poison had already affected him. He couldn't move. He didn't dare move a muscle. He remained fixated in fear at the monstrosity before him.
“Now go!” The Darkness exploded. The darkness swirled like a raging storm. tendrils of unimaginable blackness reached out to engulf Granite. The heat of the black shape’s wrath scorched the air. In a flash of nerves, Granite grabbed the cage’s handle in his teeth and stormed out of the white room until it was overcome by the black shadow. As Granite raced back to the safety of his boat, Granite was haunted by a distant laughter. It was a laugh more horrible than any nightmare. A nightmare from which Granite felt he could never escape.
Joe slept comfortably in his bed at the hotel. The room was small and simple which made it very cozy. Joe wasn't too keen on the decorations though. The room was painted with a traditional Zebra flair- or, to put it more accurately, what wealthy mainland tourists stereotypically thought was traditional Zebra flair. Still the bed was very comfortable and the inner parts of the city were peaceful at night so he slept soundly. Joe’s sleep was so heavy that he didn't notice his door slowly creaking open. The worn, cracked hooves of a dark green pony slowly and silently crept across the room. The pony’s leathery mouth lowered a small iron cage onto the foot of the bed and carefully opened the tiny door; careful as to keep away from the jaws of the small, yet deadly, creature within.
“Pleasant dreams, Mr. Mane.” the intruder said in a hoarse whisper, “I hope you sleep like a rock.” He gargled a chuckle and crept out of the room just as silently as he entered.
Joe still peacefully slumbered as a spindly, black spider happily scuttled across the top of his bed sheets. Joe shifted slightly. With an incoherent mumble, he unconsciously kicked some of the sheets off of him, exposing more of his bare chest. The spider disappeared somewhere in the folds.
A deep red hoof rubbed some lotion on his chest. Joe was laying back on a large beach towel on a tropical, sandy shore. The sun sat high in the sky and he listened to the melody of the crashing waves as he pillowed his head with his hooves. Laying on the blanket beside him was a beautiful deep red mare with a blue black mane that covered one of her ice blue eyes. She smiled gently as she warmly muzzled his coat. She continued to massage the lotion across his body. She finished with his chest and then moved up to his tense shoulders. The tension melted away as she caressed them. She squirted another drop into her hooves from the lotion bottle and stole one of his forelegs from behind his head. She applied the irritatingly itchy lotion to his arm with her prickly black hooves. Her touch scratched and tickled him painfully. He looked up and stared into her eight glowing red eyes, pleading for her to stop.
Joe opened his eyes to darkness. The sheets of his bed cradled the lower half of his body, drenched with sweat. Joe breathed in relief at the end of the horrid dream. The strange nightmare was so real, he could’ve sworn he could still feel that unpleasant itchiness on his hoof. No, he realized. He could still feel it. He could feel the tingling prickle of tiny hairs, and it was moving up his arm. As Joe’s eyes adjusted to the darkness, he slowly tilted his head towards his exposed foreleg. A large, sickly black spider was slowly climbing its way up his arm towards his bare shoulder. The creature’s eye were glowing red with hunger and its large fangs glistened and drooled with deadly venom.
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 8: Listening at Keyholes
Fear was an agent’s most constant companion. It was his first enemy on the field and his final test. Fear was an equalizing force of nature that brought a pony’s mortality to the forefront of the mind. For in the end all agents would eventually be killed by fear. No agent ever feared death, and missions were carried out with the expectation that the agent would not return alive, but nevertheless the fear would prevail- not in the guise of death, but a mirror. The mirror of fear reminded every agent that no matter how good at his job he may be, he is still but a pony. And it was Agent Con Mane’s turn to stare helplessly into the mirror, reflected by the shimmering red eyes of the spider that crawled up his shoulder.
It took all of his willpower and all of his years of training to keep him from tightening his muscles and flinching in fear. Joe breathed slowly and calmly. He forced his muscles to relax. With the stillness of a statue, Joe focused on his horn. It shimmered with an emerald green light that danced on the walls of the room. The sudden change of lighting disturbed the spider as it coiled back. Joe immediately stopped the spell before he could startle the spider any further. And so Joe waited. He patiently laid down and watched the grotesque arachnid make its way up his foreleg. Sweat covered every inch of his body and he could feel his rapid heartbeat in his throat. The spider had made its way to his shoulder. Joe focused on regulating his breathing. The spider slowly moved its spindly legs one at a time. Up and down, up and down, rhythmically matched to Joe’s expanding chest. Joe felt like he had been lying in that bed for hours, his back marinating in a pool of his own sweat as he fought this war of attrition. Finally the spider placed a leg on Joe’s pillow. His eyes were inches away from its large, black body. Jow counted in anticipation each leg that stepped onto the pillow.
Once the menace was clear from his body, Joe didn’t waste a second. He magically grabbed the entire pillow, spider and all, and rocketed it off the bed. The pillow landed on the floor but the spider sailed across the room and landed in an open box of unfinished donuts that sat on Joe’s desk. Joe turned his magic to the nearby lamp and flooded the room with light. The startled creature instinctively bit into the donut it was perched upon. Joe watched in horror as the once delicious baked good became a petrified, donut shaped rock. It immediately occurred to Joe what it was he was up against. It was a Medusarantula.
The Medusarantula hopped off the desk and landed on the floor. He saw the creature scurrying in a panic across the floor towards the door which was suspiciously left cracked open. With the reflexes of a rabbit, Joe dove to the floor, grabbed his pillow and trapped the spider under it. Joe slammed his hoof into the center of his pillow as hard as he could. He could feel the spider’s body crunch underneath the weight, accompanied by a squishy splatter. Adrenaline pumped throughout Joe’s body and he continued to pound his hoof into his pillow several more times. Scrunch! Scrunch! Slish!
Joe fell back on his haunches and breathed heavily. He looked towards his bedroom door. He knew he’d never leave a door unlocked, let alone ajar. Coupled with the fact that Medusarantulas were only native to the Everfree Forest, it was clear that somepony wanted to spoil Joe’s island vacation. And he had a pretty good idea of who it was.
“Really?” Governor Claymold said in bewilderment, “A Medusarantula? How frightening!”
Joe sat comfortably in Claymold’s office the following morning. They shared a pot of coffee which had a little too much Janeighcan spice for Joe’s taste. A discarded newspaper sat to the side with the page opened to a headline that read ‘Drowned Body of Local Photographer Found Washed up on Beach. Authorities Suspect Suicide.’ At a small desk at the far end of the room, Desire was scribing some official document or another. Joe couldn’t help but notice that she wore too much eyeshadow and that she sat in her chair crooked-- most likely do to her uncomfortable tail extensions.
“Well as you can see I’m alright.” Joe said to Claymold, “It’ll take more than a creepy crawly to get rid of me.”
Joe flicked away a rogue bang that had fallen over his horn. He had tried to slick back his mane that morning but his efforts were already undermined by the morning humidity. He looked to the office entrance where he hung his favorite black dinner jacket on the coat rack. He was reluctant to drink coffee with only a white dress shirt and a bright red bowtie but it was far too muggy for a jacket. Joe placed his mug down on the table a conservative distance from the edge.
“You don’t need to worry yourself about me. We got more important things to talk about. Governor Claymold, would it be possible for me to see your files on Cockatrice Key and Doctor Ironhoof?”
“Certainly, Mr. Mane!” The Governor looked quite pleased with the prospect of being helpful, “Desire? If you could grab the files for me please?”
“Of course, sir.” The secretariat said as she stood up from her work. She walked into the back room of the office, once again exaggerating the wiggling of her hips and the waving of her tail. Once she was through the door, Joe turned back to Claymold who was already pouring himself another mug from the pot in the corner of the room.
“What do you know about the island?” Joe asked.
“Nothing out there but an old gemstone mine.” Claymold looked up towards the ceiling while still pouring coffee into his mug. “Doctor Ironhoof runs the place like some sort of concentration camp. I’ve heard some funny rumors but nopony has ever complained officially.”
Claymold was so lost in his troubling thoughts that he accidentally over poured his coffee. The piping hot drink scalded his hoof and he nearly dropped the porcelain mug. He safely put the mug back with an embarrassed half-smile and cleaned the mess with a nearby rag. Joe tried to keep his composure but he couldn’t help but silently chuckle.
“There’s also a Dragon from what I hear.” Joe continued, trying to keep the subject going.
“Just a local superstition, I assure you.” Claymold returned to the table with plenty of coffee. “The nearest Dragon nest is deep into the mainland.”
“Yeah you’re probably right.” Half-heartedly replied Joe who was now far too afraid to even attempt to touch his coffee, “Still, if there is a Dragon there, the files should tell us.”
On cue, Desire returned from the back room. Her eyes, complete with overly applied makeup, drooped in disappointment. Her single hot pink highlight fell in front of her face in shame.
“I am so, so sorry, sir,” she explained, “but both of the files you asked for are missing.”
“Both of them?” exclaimed Claymold, “Who had them last?”
“Strange Ways.” she confessed apologetically.
“Alright,” the governor said under a heavy sigh, “Thank you anyway. That’ll be all.”
“Of course, sir.”
Desire vanished behind the back door yet again and Claymold looked at Joe like he accidentally had run over Joe’s cat.
“Well that’s some rotten luck.”
“Luck nothing.” Joe said casually, “I would have been more surprised if the files hadn’t disappeared.”
“Oh!” Claymold suddenly stood up from the table with a jolt, knocking it on the way up and disturbing Joe’s coffee in the process. Joe reflexively turned away from the mug in the event that it spilled which, thankfully, it did not. “That reminds me, Mr. Mane. The parcel you ask for from Canterlot has arrived. But I don’t understand. What is this strange contraption?”
Claymold trotted over towards a small, wooden side table near the entrance of the office. An impressive collection of envelopes and packages decorated the piece. Claymold grabbed a small packaging envelope from the top of the pile which had already been opened. He removed from the package a small electronic chip. It was smaller than a postage stamp and just as thin. He placed it down on the coffee table in front of Joe, prudent as to not damage the delicate chip. Joe levitated the device in front of him and smiled with satisfaction.
“A new app for this stupid watch gizmo.” Joe held out his hoof so that his expensively crafted watch stuck out from behind his sleeve. He carefully inserted the chip into a tiny slot on the side of the watch and turned one of the dials. “It’s a Trace Magic Detector, or TMD, specifically modified to detect even the smallest traces of Shadow Magic.”
“I don’t think I quite understand, but if you say so.”
“Now I gotta dash.” Joe walked over to the coat rack and put on his dinner jacket. The snug fabric instantly enhanced the already impressive Janighcan heat. Just as Joe was about to open the door leading back out to the lobby of Equestria House, he stopped. “Actually… Would it be possible for me to exit through that door?”
Joe pointed towards the door on the other side of the office that Desire had disappeared through previously. Claymold was bewildered by the request but he gestured his approval with his hoof. “Well certainly, I suppose. Go right ahead. Desire can show you the way out.”
Joe nodded his head in thanks and went through the other door. As soon as the door opened, a canary yellow figure jumped in surprise and quickly turned towards the nearby filing cabinets. She rustled aimlessly through some files obviously pretending that she had been busy for hours. Unfortunately for her, the bluff did not work.
“Listening at keyholes, Desire?” Joe said with sarcastic disapproval, “That’s a rather nasty habit.”
“No,” she said flustered, “I was just… looking for those files.”
“No, don’t bother. It’s not important. I’d hate for you to spend the rest of the day looking for them.”
Desire closed the cabinet drawer and turned towards Joe with a delicate smile.
“Not at all, actually. I have this afternoon off.”
“Hey, what a coincidence! So do I!” exclaimed Joe who wasn’t even bothering to cover his intentions. “How about you show me around the island?”
Desire smiled coyly and played with her pink highlight with her hoof. “What should I say to a sudden invitation from a strange pony?” she teased.
“How about yes?”
“How about maybe.”
“It’s a date then!” Joe said happily, “I’ll pick you up around three? Maybe?”
Joe leaned a hoof against the filing cabinet and leaned his face close to Desire’s.
“Yes, Maybe.” Desire leaned in and gently touched her nose with his.
“Good.” Joe said as he suddenly pulled away from the intimacy. Desire shook her head in amusement and wrote down on some nearby stationary.
“I live up in the mountains. Take Harmony Road until you reach Everfree Lane. To your right you’ll see a dirt road. Take that road up the mountain. House number 62.”
Desire ripped the stationary off the pad and hoofed the written directions to Joe. He carefully placed the paper in his pocket and nodded towards Desire.
“I’ll see you there.”
An hour later, Joe returned to the docks to meet up with Sky Blazer and Anavua by his fishing boat. Once all three of them had met, Joe examined the boat.
“And this is the boat you took Strange Ways out on to Cockatrice Key, Anavua?” Joe asked.
“Aye, Captain,” Anavua answered, “That it be. It is with this ship that I sail this sea.”
“And where did Strange Ways put the rock samples?”
“Right by where your hoof is, was the pile. The rocks we found on the Dragon’s isle.”
“Good. Stand back.”
Joe turned the plated dial that surrounded the face of his watch. Joe could feel the cool metal against his skin suddenly warm. The deviced vibrated minutely. Sky and Anavua watched in intrigue as Joe placed his hoof near the spot where Anavua had indicated. His watch suddenly started to beep. The watch continued to beep in a steady rhythm. When Joe pulled the watch away from that part of the boat the beeping stopped and it continued again once Joe pointed it back where it was.
“Just what in the world are you doing?” Sky asked in confusion.
“It’s a Trace Magic Detector.” Joe explained. Joe stared at his watch. The hands and numbers had vanished from the clock face and were replaced by a digital reading. An archaic formula of runic symbols and mathematical equations danced on the screen. Joe could feel the year he spent out of practice identifying magical formulas catch up on him. He thought back to his training and study in order to identify the formula. “There, you see! Strange Ways was right! Those rock samples from Cockatrice Key were magical! But Professor Granite told me they were just worthless rocks.”
“So he’s either a bad professor, or a poor liar.” Sky mused.
Joe studied the runes and symbols before him and deciphered their meaning and significance in his head. As the pieces of the puzzle began to logically collect, Joe made sense of the formula’s variables and theories.
“And not just any old magic!” Joe said with confidence, “Take a look at these readings!”
Joe stretched his hoof out near Sky Blazer. Even though the Pegasus’ impossibly dark shades, Joe could see that he came to his inclusion far faster than Joe did.
“Dark Magic,” Sky concluded, “The same kind that has been interfering with the New Lunar Republic’s defense shield.”
“I don’t know about you…” Joe said while staring across the Ponibean horizon. The salty air blew through his mane and ruined any previous attempts that day to straighten it. “But I think it’s high time we paid Cockatrice Key a visit. Anavua, can I count on you to get us there?”
The hesitation on Anavua’s muzzle was apparent. The manic braids of his mane turned crestfallen and limped in front of his muzzle so that his quivering eyes hid behind the curtain.
“It is a miracle I made it off that island once before.” said Anavua with dread, “It would not be wise to tempt fate any more.”
Joe stood square in front of Anavua with a look of determination. He reached out both of his forelegs and pressed them against Anavua’s shoulders.
“Listen, Anavua, there is no Dragon! Now I need you to guide me to that island!”
“I see you are a pony that knows no fear.” Anavua said while looking deeply into the strong, determined eyes of Con Mane. With a deep and resolute sigh, Anavua brushed the weeping willow braids out of his face. “I’ll be ready to set sail tonight. I'll be here.”
With a powerful flap of his wings, Sky went airborn. His dark grey wings levitated him in place with little effort. The feathers were regimentally preened and the firm tone of the muscles danced with each flap.
“Good,” said Sky, “Now that that’s settled I’ll notify the NLR. Their beginning to worry that our shield won’t hold for much longer. One more powerful burst of that Shadow Magic and the entire barrier could crumble. It’d leave us completely vulnerable. Because of that I can’t take any chances. I’ll pull some strings and try to see if I can provide you with some backup.”
“That’s fine,” Joe said, “but you’re not going to convince Princess Luna without some hard evidence. I’ll have to go it alone.”
The tide changed as morning turned to midday. The tiny speckled dots of other fishing boats could be seen far into the horizon like spilled pepper on the blue waves. Seagulls salted the sky above. The simplicity of island life was much like the ocean itself. The beautiful brightly colored fish swam near the surface. But in the depths slept the horror that nopony dared to mention. Joe knew that this horror lurked just beyond the visible horizon. As the rolling waves continued to taunt him, Joe’s thoughts turned towards the ancient sea charts and the warning that was often scribbled on the side: ‘Beware! Here there be Dragons.’
“Alright then,” Joe said more for his own sake than the others, “we’ll meet back here after dark. Be ready to set sail.”
Sky Blazer took off- his tail a trail of fire. Anavua turned his attention towards the boat. He checked to make sure the engine held plenty of lightning inside. As for Joe- he futilely attempted to tidy his mane, straightened his favorite red bowtie and took off down the road. After all, he had a date to go to.
Joe focused on the rhythm of his hooves against the rocky, unpaved mountain road. He had hiked a decent distance up the trail and despite the complaints emanating from his out of shape stomach, he kept an optimistic pace. He had forgotten how much his large frame missed being able to let loose in the open air. If it weren’t for his slight cramp and the aversion to producing too much sweat, Joe would have considered galloping. The air was far too pleasant to waste on shortened breath plus he would miss out on the spectacular view of the Janeighcan resorts below him. And besides, Joe thought to himself as he groomed his mane, no stallion would dare arrive at the house of a beautiful mare drenched in sweat.
The trail slowly veered left around the side of a rock face and Joe momentarily grimaced at the sun’s sudden decision to play a cruel game of peekaboo. The sunlight was especially cruel that day since it had no clouds to compete with. Janeighca’s cloudbusters must have really put their hearts into it this morning, Joe thought. Joe imagined local Pegasi rising up early and eliminating the clouds early so that they could return to their base and spend the day enjoying eclairs. Joe’s cramping stomach rumbled loudly.
Joe’s thoughts returned to his donut shop in Canterlot. He pictured the small little diner on the corner of Celestia Street and Harmony Avenue with lights turned out and absent of the smell of freshly baked donuts for the last few days. Joe couldn’t help but wonder- wait. Something was off.
Lost in the streams of consciousness, Joe failed to notice the Earth Pony walking towards him in the opposite direction. His mane and coat were horribly unkept. He wore very dark sunglasses and his gait was slow and cautious. Tied around the poor fellow’s neck was a small, battered old tin cup. A few bits in the cup jingled sweetly with each step. As the blind pony drew nearer, Joe readied a few gold bits from his jacket. The bright sun harshly glared off of the blind ponies glasses. Joe approached the stallion taking extra heavy steps to announce his presence. The blind pony stopped and smiled cheerfully.
“Would you please spare a bit for the blind?” the poor fellow asked politely.
“Here.” Joe said as he tossed the extra bits into the tin cup, “Get yourself something nice.”
“Most appreciated.”
“You just be careful walking down this mountain, bud. It gets a little slippery towards the bottom.”
the blind pony nodded his head in appreciation. “Do not worry about me, I have a keen sense of balance.”
“Do you know how much farther I have to go to reach the cottages atop the mountain?” Joe asked.
“Ah, if you plan to head up that far I should warn you. There was a landslide the other day. I hear the road is blocked.”
The blind pony pointed his hoof up the mountain road. Joe’s eyes twitched slightly at an irritating sparkle of light that continued to reflect off the sunglasses.
“Strange… She never mentioned that.” Joe said as he rubbed his eye.
“You could always try to levitate them away with your horn but they may be heavy. Why don’t you walk with me a ways? I know a way around the back of the mountain.”
“Hey thanks. It’s a rare to see pony these days with that level of kindness.”
“It is only because you showed me generosity, my friend.” the blind pony replied, “I am only following the old teachings.”
“Funny. I don’t remember the old teachings saying anything about secretly carrying knives around strangers.” Joe charged his horn and magically lifted one of the traveller’s front hooves off the ground. Strapped to the back of the hoof was a small, sharp blade attached to a swivel mechanism. “I also don’t remember telling you I’m a Unicorn.”
The nefarious pony snarled in anger and smacked his other hoof across Joe’s horn. The feedback of having his spell interrupted made Joe recoil in pain. The assassin flicked his freed hoof and the blade swiveled outward. With a bloodthirsty growl, he made a leap towards Joe. Joe caught the charge in his forelegs and both ponies tumbled into the dirt. The knife barely missed cutting into Joe’s neck. As the two struggled against each other, Joe rammed his head into the assassin’s temple. The assassin’s black glasses flew off of his face and a cut left by Joe’s horn bled out. He lifted his hoof for another stab with the knife but Joe tossed his weight and threw off his killer’s balance. Joe punched his opponent's chin with the force of a Dragon sending him flying towards the mountain wall. The killer stumbled to his hooves and glared at Joe with eyes of hellfire. As Joe got to his hooves he prepared to use a spell but was distracted by one of his hooves not touching earth. Joe was backed against the cliff. He reacted quickly and steadied his hoofing as small disturbed rocks tumbled several feet down the jagged cliff. Heavy hooffalls caught Joe’s attention. The assassin was already charging at him at full gallop; his knife readied for the kill. The distance was closing and Joe didn’t have room to dodge, Joe shut his eyes and charged his horn and wrapped his magical field around the nearest object he could in hopes that he could block the attack.
Then he heard the assassin yelp in panic. Joe looked to see the killer’s eyes shut tight as he stumbled awkwardly on his hooves. The attacker’s reduced speed gave Joe the time he needed to get out of the way. The other pony’s eyes were still shut but he still stumbled forward towards the deadly drop. Joe thought to do something but it was too late. The loose rocks underneath the pony gave way and the pony fell. He fell off the cliff and his body bounced and shattered against the jagged rocks below until his broken corpse fell into a ditch forested with thick shrubbery. Joe looked to see what it was he was levitating. It was the pony’s sunglasses, reflecting the sun’s blinding light.
“Oh.” Joe said exasperated, “I see.”
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 9: Expected Company
“Just a minute!” Desire called out in response to the ringing of her doorbell. She quickly ran the towel through her canary yellow coat and drained the soapy white bathwater. She hurriedly brushed her damp mane in front of the mirror and pouted at the sight of her naked face. With the swiftness of a summer breeze, she reach her front door and opened it wide. Standing before her was a cream colored Unicorn in a black dinner jacket and red bow tie holding a freshly picked flower in his hoof. His grin was sickeningly infectious. Desire gasped as she took a few steps backwards and her eyes contracted into tiny dots in a sea of white. “It’s you!?”
“Are you surprised to see me?” Joe said, “I thought I was expected?”
“Yes, well…” Desire desperately scanned her empty drawing room. “I didn't expect to see you… this early!” She innocently bounced her moist bangs with her hoof and batted her eyelids playfully.
“Well, I couldn't wait.” Joe held out his hoof and presented the wildflower to Desire. She quickly plucked the plant from his grasp and proceeded to bit the head off of the stem. “May I come in?”
Desire fumbled on her hooves and awkwardly gestured him inside. Joe admired the decor of Desire’s home. To his amazement, the small apartment was colorful with personality and flavor. Interpretive paintings hung on the walls over various cultural sculptures and pictures of the sea. A well polished record player sat atop a lovely wooden cabinet neatly filed with various records. The record that sat still on the turntable was titled ‘Traditional Janeighcan Folk Songs as Sung by Sapphire Shores’. As Joe paced the room and admired the decor, Desire stood on the rug with her gaze darting around the room. She nearly jumped out of her coat when she finally noticed Joe had approached her.
“Now then,” Joe said, “hows about the two of us have a nice cozy talk, eh? I can make some coffee.”
Joe peered his head around until he saw the doorway that led to the kitchen. Desire’s tongue stumbled around in silence, choking and gagging on the words she could not find. The telephone in her bedroom interrupted her almost speech and she once again flinched in surprise.
“Oh, please excuse me, I have to answer that.” Desire backed slowly towards her bedroom door. “Please make yourself at home.”
Desire darted into her bedroom and quickly shut the door. She leaped towards the ringing phone with such force that she nearly collided with her bed. She put the receiver to her ear and answered in a harsh, panicked whisper.
“Hello? ...Yes, yes he’s here now… No, I don’t know what could have happened… What’s that…? Yes, I’ll keep him busy for as long as I can…” The bedroom door creaked open slowly. Desire could smell the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. “He’s coming in now, I’ll have to- OK I have to go now, sweetie! I’ll talk to you later, bye!!” The receiver dinged sharply as she quickly hung up.
Joe was levitating two mugs of coffee in his horn, one of which contained a small mountain of floating marshmallows. He levitated one of the mugs to Desire. “Who was that?” he asked.
“Oh nopony important.” Desire laid her mug on the bedside table next to the phone and walked over to Joe. She pressed her body tightly up against his and leaned her head on his shoulders, “Not important enough to bother us anyway. Now then. How about you enjoy your coffee and I’ll make dinner.”
“I thought we were going out to eat?” Joe asked. He took a step away from Desire’s sudden surge of intimacy. Desire took a hint and lounged on her bed instead.
“Oh but it’s so much more cozy in here, don’t you think?” she said with half closed eyes.”So much more private.”
Joe’s ears were sweating. His bow tie suddenly felt a lot tighter around his neck. “Well I admit you do have a very nice place here, Desire.”
Desire hopped off her bed and took a slow, sultry waltz towards Joe. “you can bake us some donuts.” She whispered, “Just for the two of us.” She stroke the underside of Joe’s chin as she stared directly into his eyes. Joe wiped away the sweat around his ears.
“Well I do very much like donuts.” Joe said in foalish glee.
“Yes,” whispered Desire as she leaned in closer, “I know you do.”
Desire pressed her lips tightly against Joe and wrapped her forelegs around his neck. The damp coils of her mane tickled Joe’s ears. Joe gave in and closed his eyes as he continued to kiss Desire passionately. Joe reached out and caressed her tail. Desire backed her head away.
“Careful, Mr. Mane. I don’t like having my tail touched.”
Joe gave her a smile and kissed her again. With a gentle hoof, Desire slowly removed Joe’s bow tie.
“Oh Con, that was simply wonderful!”
Desire sat straight up in her bed as she swallowed the last bite of the donuts that Joe made for her. She giggled in embarrassment at her crumpled and crumb covered sheets. On the other side of the room, Joe was brushing crumbs off of his dinner jacket and dress shirt.
“Yes, the jelly filled ones were my favorite.” he said.
Joe put the telephone receiver to his ear and dialed the rotor. Desire nearly fell off her bed in confusion. Her gaze was lost and her eyes darted around in desperation.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Calling a taxi.” Joe said with a shattering bluntness. Desire jumped off of her bed allowing the sheets and crumbs to fall to the floor. She instinctively flung her forelegs around Joe’s back but he either didn't notice or didn't care.
“A taxi?” she asked in exasperation.
“Yes, I’m afraid I must be off.”
“But can’t you stay here a little longer?” Desire playfully nuzzled the back of Joe’s neck.
“Yes, hello?” Joe said into the phone, “Yes could I get a pick up at Mountain Road number 62 please? Thank you.”
Joe hung up the phone and flicked Desire off of him with his tail. Desire jumped backwards onto her bed and landed on her back. She clung all four hooves close to her body and filled her belly with air to make herself look cute and willing. “Oh but we were just starting to have fun.”
Joe smiled at the display and raised an eyebrow in deliberation before shaking his head. “I have a very busy evening ahead of me.”
“But it will be dark out soon.” Desire said as she rolled over to lay on her stomach, “Couldn't we just be together until morning?”
Joe glanced out the window. The last vestiges of daylight sank into the orange ocean horizon. Stars slowly twinkled into existence. Joe thought back to Sky Blazer’s warning. He knew that he was on borrowed time and that he could not waste a single night.
“I’m afraid I can’t.” Joe answered.
“But you can’t go! The landslide!” She wailed in desperation.
“Thanks for telling me about that by the way. A kind beggar pony showed me a shortcut on my walk up here that avoided the main road. I’ll have the driver use that.”
“Well that explains it...” Desire hung her head low.
“Explains what?” Joe asked in suspicion. Desire quickly jolted her head back up and fidgeted her eyes.
“H-how you arrived here so fast.” She giggled innocently. Joe hoofed her chin and tilted her head up towards his. He gave her a reassuring smile. Her eyes glazed into a vacant gaze and her mouth hung open, mesmerized by his emerald eyes. A loud honk snapped her out of her delusion.
“Ah, that would be the taxi. Care to walk me out my dear?” Joe offered his hoof to her’s. Desire surrendered with a smile and wrapped her hoof around his.
“Oh fine, if you insist. I will see you again won’t I?”
“Oh, I sure hope so.”
She closed her eyes and rested her head against his shoulders as they left the house. The cool night air and chirping crickets invigorated Desire’s lungs. She slowly opened her eyes and saw the silver colored carriage that sat outside her home. It was a very charming taxi with the Official Emblem of Janeighca emblazoned on the side. The driver was quite charming with his pure white coat and bright golden armor. The Chief of Security smiled at the couple from inside the carriage.
“Wait.” Desire suddenly caught on, “What’s going on!?”
The Security Chief opened the carriage doors and Joe shoved Desire into the carriage.
“Chief, take her away.” Joe commanded in a gruff undertone.
“Yes, Commander!” The Chief roughly grabbed Desire with his powerful forelegs and forced her into the seat.
“No! Stop that! What are you doing!? Unhoof me! You’ll pay for this Con Mane!”
She hopelessly kicked and screamed but was easily constrained by the imposing soldier. Her hooves were shackled together and was forced to sit down next to the Chief.
“Quiet you!” screamed the Chief, “You’re under arrest for treason.”
Desire’s face was enveloped by a deluge of tears. From the far side of the carriage, she pleaded desperately towards Joe with terrified eyes. Joe remembered the feeling of her body pressed against his and her cool mane dripping onto his shoulders. He thought of her innocent smile and her tongue tied lies.
“Just be careful, Chief,” Joe said, “she doesn’t like having her tail extensions touched.”
Desire’s muzzle contorted in anger. With a spiteful sneer, she snorted and spat at Joe. Joe wiped the saliva off of his face with disdain and shut the police carriage door. The Security Chief opened the carriage window and stuck his neck out.
“Aren’t you coming with us, sir?”
“No,” Joe said, “I’m going to wait. I’m expecting company.”
The driver reared back and galloped off with the carriage. Joe silently entered back into Desire’s house. Joe trotted through each room and turned on every light. Back in the drawing room he turned the crank on the record player and sat the needle on the edge of the vinyl record. The scratching and crackling static of the record was soon replaced with the beautiful, soft string plucks of Janeighcan calypso. Sapphire Shores’ spicey voice echoed from the large brass horn like a spectre.
Underneath the moonlit sky, me pony and I Come sit hoof in hoof Underneath the moonlit sky, me pony and I Dream of building a roof.
Apples and rainbows and butterflies Gemstones and parties and starry skies When we get married we make and grow Nine little fillies in a row
The sheets and pillows of Desire’s bed were strewn across the floor. With levity, Joe tossed the pillows onto the mattress and covered them with the wrinkled wad of sheets. The lump of pillows under the sheets was convincing enough, and so Joe pulled a chair and sat against the wall well out of eyeshot from the door. He levitated to his lap a plate uneaten donuts from earlier and helped himself. As Joe magically turned off the bedroom lamp he anticipated the destined arrival.
An hour passed, maybe two. The donuts were almost gone; only one remained on the plate. The heavy weight of boredom took a toll on Joe’s eyelids. He knew his vigil was waning. His eyes had long ago become accustomed to the darkened room and each glance he took at his display of sheets and pillows made it look less and less convincing. The doubt drew out his fear which drew out his adrenaline. He welcomed it.
The sound was sudden and arrived without ceremony. The familiar tumbling of a doorknob and the creaking of the hinges. Joe listened intently to the hooffalls in the drawing room. Though nearly inaudible on the carpet, each clop was resolute with purpose like the ticking of a metronome. The bedroom door opened with a ghastly creak. The visitor’s tall, lanky shadow stood in the light that pervaded from the hallway. Joe watched from his dark corner as the assassin approached the bed and raised a heavy pickaxe high above his head. The farm tool came down right in the center of the bed lump. Sheet corners wafted into the air and feathers rained from above as the killer took another swing. Joe could hear the bed frame splinter under the immense pressure of the heavy metal object. The killer raised the pickaxe once again, but froze in place when Joe turned on the lamp. Professor Grey Granite stood there with his pickaxe trapped within Joe’s magic aura.
“Drop it, Professor!” Joe demanded. Granite let go of the farm tool and Joe used his horn to strike the pick into the floor. The whole tool was crafted from metal, including the handle, which bore the remains of a long lost leather covering.
“I had a feeling it’d be you.” Joe did not let up his horn and continued to surround the pick stuck in the floor with his aura. “When I heard you were the only one who saw Strange Ways’ secretariat, I had a feeling you might had something to do with it. And then there were the magic stones from Cockatrice Key he had you look at. Strange Ways was getting too close, wasn’t he?”
Granite’s wore a poker face. “He was sticking his muzzle where it didn’t belong! And if you keep snooping around, you’ll end up just like Strange Ways.”
“Did you kill him?” Joe asked.
“He was killed, but never mind how.”
Joe’s breathing became heavy and hoarse. He gritted his teeth as the magical aura surrounding his horn grew brighter. “Big mistake, block-head! Strange Ways was an old friend of mine. And I’ll personally make sure that anypony involved goes straight to Tartarus. Now, just who are you working for!?” Joe’s temples pounded with pain and he was panting to strive off the heat in his face. Joe was forced to let go of his concentration and released the pickaxe from his magic. He breathed heavily.
Granite stretched his crocodile skin into a crocodile smile. “I suppose I could tell you, since you won’t live long enough to use the information. I am working for--”
Granite cut off his own sentence. Without warning, he made a grand leap for his pickaxe. He grabbed the exposed metal handle in his mouth and pulled it from the ground. He gripped his jaw tightly around the weapon until it sizzled. The sizzling hissed louder and louder until Granite dropped the pickaxe from his mouth. The entire weapon was alight in red. Steam and distorted, rippling air rose from the metal. Granite garbled in agony. His leathery lips were black and cracked and his tongue could be fed to a Griffon as a steak. His attempts to scream were merely muffled sobs. He eyes watered in panic.
“Too hot for you to handle, Granite?” Joe said to the pony with the disfigured mouth, “It doesn’t take too long to heat up metal. You shouldn’t let a baker keep talking like that.”
Granite charged at Joe with animalistic fury. His mouth hung open in a perpetual, silent scream as he tackled Joe to the floor. His dirty, cracked hooves pressed down on Joe’s throat. Granite’s tangled mane whipped in all directions as he throttled Joe’s neck from side to side. Joe pressed against his assailant. The two full grown stallions wrestled for dominance in a blur of green and peppery white and cream and tuxedo black. They each threw their weight to the side in an effort to force their opponent onto their back. Even after punches and bucks and stabs with Joe’s horn, the two enemies remained locked in a ball of battle. Joe’s hoof collided with Grey Granite’s chest. He could hear the sound of cracking ribs. Granite was stricken with pain. Joe took the opportunity to gain the upper hoof and shoved the rock farmer to the floor. A sickening sizzle and the smell of burnt fur wafted from underneath Granite’s body. He arched his back and writhed in a silent wail. Joe lifted Granite up off the still smoldering pickaxe he had landed on and wrapped his hooves around Granite’s leathery neck.
Joe’s hold was too great to break free from. Grey Granite futilely clawed his hooves against the bulging forelegs that continued to tighten around his neck. Joe imagined all the things he could do with this pony, now that he was at his mercy. Joe thought to slam his body back onto the pickaxe. It was certainly still hot enough. Perhaps he could even slam him face first into it. The pickaxe was certainly tantalizing. The feeling of a heavy swing making contact with his heart or head would be oh so satisfying. Granite’s breath was shallowing. His dark green coat was turning a putrid purple. Joe tightened his grasp and twisted his hooves in opposite directions. Joe could feel the pop underneath Granite’s skin that accompanied the resounding snap. Joe allowed Granite’s lifeless body to fall to the floor. The head on the end of the broken neck stared up at Joe through unforgiving eyes, devoid of life.
Joe stood on all fours and focused on his breathing. As the adrenaline in his body wore off, he could feel the cuts and bruises accumulate on his body. On his way out of the bedroom, he noticed one chocolate donut still remained from the batch he baked earlier. He took a bite out of the donut, turned out the light and left the house for the docks.
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 10: Underneath the Apple Tree
“Better late than never, Con Mane.” Sky Blazer said to Joe as he stepped into the light of the overhanging firefly lamp.
Twilight had fallen to night by the time Joe arrived at the docks. Anavua’s boat bobbed on the restless tides. A tiny canoe with two oars had been tethered to the side of the boat. The knocking of the two hulls against the tides served as percussion for the chirping crickets. Anavua was leaned back against the wheelhouse cross-hooved and nearly asleep. His muzzle was tucked into the collar of his red buttoned up shirt. The seaside shacks and restaurants were devoid of life and light. Only fireflies and moonlight illuminated the meeting. Sky’s charcoal coat blended well into the darkness but his mane glowed against the black waters like a lighthouse beacon. Joe saw Blazer’s eyes for the first time. Their light amber matched the light of the fireflies.
“Sorry,” Joe said, “but I had to deal with the Professor.” Sky didn't react. Joe adjusted the collar on his plain white polo shirt. “Are we ready to leave?”
With a grumbling snort, Anavua emerged from his trance. He stretched his back and craned his neck. “I still don’t like this, not one bit. But I promise you my boat will take you there quick.”
Anavua checked the supply of lightning in the motor again while Joe and Sky climbed aboard. As Sky untied the moor, Joe explained the plan. “Alright listen up. We’ll get as close as we can to the motion sensing field that surrounds Cockatrice Key. From there we’ll have to shut off the motor to avoid detection so we’ll have to take the rowboat. It will be small enough so that I can surround it with the dampening field installed in my watch. It should make us invisible to the sensor field.”
Sky turned towards Joe. “I was able to convince the LIA to provide me with a single battlecruiser. Once the motion field and the dark magic emitter are taken down, we can move in and seize the island. Those Diamond Dogs will be no match for the Lunar Guard.”
“Alright then, let’s move swiftly. We don't know how much time we have left. But I think that Cockatrice Key is going to be a nice, relaxing vacation.”
Sky raised an eyebrow. “From what? Mares?”
“No,” Joe replied, “From being the one with the bulls-eye on his back.”
Anavua revved the motor and started the fishing boat. The boat roared into the pitch blackness of the horizon. The Island of Janeighca was left calm and silent.
The boat sputtered to a stop and Anavua idled the engine. The darkness of the Ponibean stretched out in all directions save for the ghostly ripple of reflected moonlight. Joe felt the chill of a lost child. That void of inescapable loneliness left by the fleeing of the familiar.
“This is as far as we go,” Anavua said, “From here on out we have to row.” He untied the canoe from the fishing boat and hopped inside. He then held out a hoof and helped Joe inside. The canoe wobbled around as the two large stallions squeezed into comfortable positions. Sky Blazer took over Anavua’s position in the wheelhouse. His wings were flared in excitement.
“It looks like we have to part ways here, Con Mane.” he said, “I’ll take Anavua’s boat back and prepare the battleship.”
Joe looked up and gave Sky a friendly salute, “Good. I plan to be out of there within two days. Make sure you’re ready to save my flank by then.”
“Just remember to play nice. Good Luck.” Sky took off back in the direction of Janeighca. Joe and Anavua put their oars in the water and Sky Blazer had already disappeared in the opposite direction by the time they picked up momentum.
The sound of the waves was all they could hear as they made their way across the rolling sea. With each stroke, the indiscernible shadow on the waves came into shape. Joe could make out the mountains and tree lines of the tropical isle. The metal walkways and docks of the gemstone mine protruded from the rocky cliffs. Joe checked his watch. A ring of lights surrounding the clock face lit up one by one.
“We’re approaching the sensor field. I’ll surround the canoe with the jamming signal.”
Joe turned the outer dial of the watch to the proper position. Joe’s horn tingled when they crossed over the invisible threshold. He could only pray that the blasted machine actually worked. He knew that if there were a pack of Diamond Dogs waiting on the shoreline he would have his answer. But the beach was devoid of life and far enough away from the mining docks.
“There,” Joe whispered, “we’re as good as invisible. They’ll never know we’re here.”
Anavua pulled the canoe out of the water and onto the beach. “That is until the Dragon attacks. Then he’ll cook us up and eat us as snacks!”
“If you don't be quiet we will be found. Now help me hide the canoe in that foliage over there.”
Together they dragged the boat across the sand to the forest line. The beach sand had been piled up in a dune that quickly dropped off into a ditch where a stream fed the local plant life. They tipped the boat over into the ditch and covered it with the wild shrubbery.
“Let’s scout out the area.” Joe demanded. Joe was about to climb out of the ditch back onto the beach when Anavua grabbed him from behind and pulled him back in.
“Wait, Captain, before you try to act brave. I hear a boat upon the waves.”
Joe crouched low and listened. The unmistakable snarl of a motor boat echoed through the night air. The pair hung low against the trench as the snarl crescendoed into a growl. Joe peered over the sandy side and took a glance at the incoming patrol boat. A pair of Diamond Dogs stood near the stern. One scoured the beach with a large searchlight. The other held a megaphone to his muzzle.
“We know you're here, yes?” He screeched into the device, “We see you, pony! Come out now or he hunt!”
Anavua’s eyes widened in panic. Joe took note of the twitching of his hooves. He pressed his hoof down hard on the Zebra’s chest and lifted the other to his lips. The shaking of Joe’s head and a concerning eye drove the message. Anavua closed his eyes tight and Joe made sure they kept low in the trench as the blinding light passed by just above their heads. He choked on his pounding heartbeat; the heat of the light tickled his ears.
The Diamond Dog snarled in frustration into the megaphone. “I said come out now! We hate hiding games! Fine! We come back later! You cannot hide long!”
The Dog in charged literally barked an order and the engine vanished into the distance. After Joe reminded Anavua how to breath again, he took the liberty to collect large leaves and blades of foliage which he laid down near the creek.
“They’ll be searching all night.” he explained, “We’ll sleep here until dawn and conserve our strength.”
Anavua remained resolute in his hiding place. “But their search seemed very precise. I thought you hid us with your device.”
“‘Funny, ain't it?,” said Joe as he laid out the makeshift cots. “They shouldn’t’ve been able to sense our canoe. Unless we’re not the ones they're searching for. C’mon, we’d best get some sleep. We’ll need to be in top form for tomorrow.”
With some coaching and nudge of the horn, Joe convinced Anavua to lay down on the foliage. He was snoring within minutes. Joe laid down as well but did not find it as easy to rest his mind. His thoughts lingered on the job that loomed ahead of him.
The sun at dawn caressed Joe’s face and chilling sea breezed kissed his cheek good morning. He stretched his hoof out to the side and it brushed against the ice cold dirt wall of the trench; the loose dirt trickled down and tickled his foreleg. He kept his eyes shut and lost himself to the sound of the water babbling through the dirt. The dawn birds sang in excitement and courtship. Their voices were as sweet as honey as their words rode on the wind.
Underneath the apple tree me pony and me
Words? Joe sat up and blinked in perplexity. Songbirds can’t sing in words. He listened once again to the notes in the breeze.
me pony and me la-la Luna’s moon
There was no mistake. Somepony was singing. With a stalwart eye, Joe left the seclusion of the trench and hid behind a nearby tree with a split trunk through which he could spy the beach. Joe noticed the disturbance in the waves. A sparkling, violet glow refracted the morning light. The glowing object rose from the water and Joe slowly made out what it was. It was the magical light of a horn attached to a head with a small muzzle. The smooth, slender build of an athletic mare rose from the sea. She sauntered onto the sands with two large seashells levitating next to her. She was freckled with light thanks to the specks of salt that clung to her soaking, mulberry-pink coat. She swayed back and forth to the sound of her own singing.
La-dada-da apple tree da-dum da-dum
The pinkish mare released the shells from her aura field and allowed them to fall to the shore. She sat down and grabbed her brilliant blue tail with her mouth to wring out the water. Her equally striking blue mane clung to her shoulders. She levitated one of her shells back up into the air and examined it with deep rosy eyes. The angelic singing continued.
Underneath the apple tree me pony and me Under Luna’s moon Underneath the apple tree me pony and me La-loo la-loo soo…?
She paused for a moment while brushing the sand off of her shell. She tilted her head slightly and tried to remember the lyrics again.
Underneath the apple tree me pony and me…
“Underneath the apple tree me pony and me will be married soon .” Joe sang out in booming baritone. “I believe those are the words you’re looking for.” He revealed himself from behind his tree and the mare from the sea dropped her shells in surprise. She slinked back with widened eyes at the sight of Joe’s approach. She arched her back defensively but Joe could see her shaking like a timid animal caught in a corner. With every step he took she flinched backwards. Tears formed in her eyes. “Hey, don’t be frightened.” he assured her.
“What are you doing here?” the mare squeaked. “Looking for shells?”
“Nah. Just looking.” Joe tried to approach her again.
The mare grabbed the two shells and hugged them tight to her chest. She glared at Joe, trying to look intimidating, but Joe could see the purple fluster in her pink cheeks.
“Stay where you are!” she ordered.
Joe thought it best to back off slightly. He sat down on his haunches and raised his hooves in the air. “I promise you I ain’t gonna steal your shells.”
“I promise you won’t either.” The threat came accompanied by bared teeth and a snarl that was reminiscent of a wolf.
“I don’t want to cause any trouble, alright? I ain't supposed to be on this island and I take it the same goes for you.” Joe’s words seemed to be working as she dropped her snarling intimidation tactic. “What’s your name?”
She looked at Joe with the vulnerable, curious eyes of a kitten. “My name is Sea Swirl.”
“That’s a beautiful name, Sea Swirl.” Joe smiled. He held out his hoof but instead of shaking it, Sea Swirl leaned forward and nuzzled it a few time. She smiled genuinely and shook his hoof with both of hers.
“Who’re you?” she asked.
“My name is Mane. Con Mane. Tell me how’d you get on this island?”
“I swam!” Sea Swirl proudly showed off her flank. Her Cutie Mark was two dolphins swimming around each other. Their design complemented the rich blue of her mane. “It’s my special talent. I can swim as far as I want in the ocean without getting tired.” The topic made Sea Swirl laugh and leap with excitement. She skipped over to the shoreline like a rabbit. As the ocean waves rushed against her hooves, Sea Swirl’s horn illuminated with magic. And then as the tide receded, the horn grew still. Joe had heard about automatic Unicorn Magic, but he couldn't recall ever having met one with that particular brand of special talent.
“Then it was probably you who set off the motion field.” said Joe.
Sea Swirl turned her attention back to Joe and lightly touched her horn. “Yes my horn sensed the presence of the field when I swam in last night but it is no problem. I come here all the time to collect sea shells. At first the Diamond Dogs tried to catch me but eventually they just stopped trying.”
“Yeah, well I’m afraid this time may be different.”
“But all I’m doing is collecting seashells. See?” Sea Swirl levitated one of her prized shells up towards Joe. It certainly was a beautiful shell. It dazzled with a rainbow of colors that morphed in the sunlight. Still, Joe shoved the free-floating shell to the side.
“Why bother with that?” he scoffed.
Sea Swirl’s face bloated like a puffer fish. “Bother!?” she exclaimed, “The shells that form near this island are unlike any other shell in the world. This shell here is worth fifty bits back in Equestria! Fifty bits!”
Joe turned again to the rainbow shell and scanned it with the TMD. The readings matched the same concentrations of shadow magic as Strange Ways’ rock samples. He felt a chill crawl up his spine.
Sea Swirl suddenly gasped in surprise. Her head was cranked upwards like a prairie dog on watch. Something was galloping towards them. Joe readied himself for a fight. He instinctively raised a hoof in front of Sea Swirl. As the figure came into view, Joe could see heavily braided dreadlocks flailing through the air. Joe lowered his foreleg.
“Don’t be alarmed.” he assured her. “He’s with me.”
Anavua galloped up to Joe. His eyes were shocking white and his coat was pale. He tried to speak through his shaky breath. His voice was rapid and almost incoherent.
“Captain, I told you that dragon ain't no phony!” Anavua then noticed the presence of Sea Swirl. “Hold on, just who’s this pony?”
“Don’t worry, she’s just a civilian.” Joe tried to speak calmly in hopes that Anavua would settle down as well, “Sea Swirl, this is Anavua.”
Sea Swirl nodded her head in greeting. Her tail was wagging.
“A pleasure I’m sure my little filly, but now is not the time to be talking silly.” It was clear that Anavua was still very shaken up. “You wanted proof that the Dragon exists? Well the trees over there have been burn to a crisp!”
Anavua pointed back towards the direction he galloped from. The trees were too far for Joe to notice anything out of the ordinary with them. With a frustrated sigh, Joe placed a hoof on Anavua’s shoulders and gave him a stern look.
“How many times do I have to tell you? There is no Dragon!”
“Yes there is.” Joe whipped around in surprise. Sea Swirl’s expression was as confident as her statement. “I've seen it myself.”
“The little filly is right. I have seen the Dragon’s fire at night!”
Joe had a headache. He felt like a father tired of hearing about children’s fairy tales. He was at a lost for words and the constant barking in the distance wasn't helping. Barking? Sea Swirl tried to say something else about the Dragon but Joe cut her off with a violent ‘shush’! He focused his attention to the sounds around him until he was absolutely certain. The sound of several barking dogs echoed through the air. And they were getting closer.
“We’ll have to have this conversation later.” Joe said. “The Diamond Dogs are coming. Quickly! Run!”
Joe pushed Anavua towards the direction of the trench where they had spent the night. Anavua wasted no time in galloping to the hiding place. Joe grabbed Sea Swirl by the hoof to follow but she broke away and ran back for the shells she left in the sand.
“Leave them!” Joe barked. He grabbed her forcefully by the foreleg and dragged her along with him. They joined up with Anavua behind the trench. The barking grew louder and louder.
“We won’t be able to shake them at this rate.” Joe thought aloud, “We can’t outrun them.”
Sea Swirl stood up. Joe was about to yank her back down but she trotted forward and pointed into the trees up from where the stream was pouring. “Through those trees there is a swamp. It will throw up the Diamond Dogs’ scent.”
“How do you know!?” Joe said in a panic.
Sea Swirl simply said, “Because I know lots of things.”
Sea Swirl took off into the jungle. Within seconds her body disappeared-- engulfed by the thick mesh of overgrown vines and leaves. Anavua stared at Joe with a terrified expression. He longed for guidance, but a particularly close sounding bark of a Diamond Dog decided the answer for him. Anavua galloped into the jungle after Sea Swirl. Joe desperately tried to weigh all his options. But no matter how much he struggled to find a better answer, he knew he wouldn't be able to. So Agent Con Mane entered the thick jungle, placing his life into the hooves of a mare he barely knew.
The creak led to a swamp. The water was a milky white soup and pungent vapors wafted from the thin layer of suds that bubbled at the surface. The water came up to Joe’s neck and his hooves struggled to touch the sandy bottom of the bog. Sea Swirl’s magic activated upon touching the water. Despite the fact that she was much smaller than either Joe or Anavua, she floated near the surface and drifted through the murky water as easily as a fish.
“Be careful,” she warned, “this water is likely home to Bleach Leeches. They grab onto you and suck the color out of your coat. But only temporarily. You can simply pluck them off with magic.”
Anavua looked down into the water with dread. He fumbled around in a fit of panic. The water splashed and rippled loudly. Joe had to grab Anavua and wrestle him still which was a struggle in and of itself.
Joe heard a voice back in the direction they came from. “I heard sound. You! Check stinky swamp! Hunt for ponies!”
The three ponies in the swamp tried to trudge their way forward but they quickly found that the water was too thick and too noisy. The bank of the swamp, though only several steps away, suddenly appeared to go on for miles.
“There is nowhere around here to hide.” said Anavua. “I’m sorry, Captain, but at least we tried.”
Joe scanned the area until he found what he was looking for. Underneath the shadow of a palm, a small collective of dead reeds protruded from the murky depths. Joe waded close to the reeds and yanked out three of them with his horn.
“Get underwater.” he ordered.
The others instantly understood. Joe was the first one who went under. He made sure to go low enough to hide his horn. He face completely vanished in the milky soup. The reed he was breathing through looked as inconspicuous as any other. Sea Swirl dived in next. The automatic glow of her horn could only be faintly seen. It was dim enough so that it would only be seen if somepony knew where it was and what to look for. Anavua hesitated. He imagined leeches crawling on his body. He thought about being surrounded by a white void and being unable to escape. He thought about the Diamond Dogs finding them and cleverly plugging the reeds with their paws. He then heard wading behind him. The sound of claws sifting through the mud and the heavy sniffing of Diamond Dog muzzles forced Anavua to leap into the water.
Under the swamp, only the sounds of the water could be heard. Joe could hear every flap of a mud fish’s fin. He could hear the Diamond Dog’s claws scraping against the mud and rock. Joe kept his eyes closed and focused on breathing calmly. He could hear the booming percussion of the Dog’s movements. One Dog, Joe determined in his mind. There’s only one Dog, and it’s close.
Above water, the Diamond Dog waded cautiously through the swamp water. He had lost the scent of pony some time ago, but still he sniffed for that wretchedly sweet smell of pony. The swamp was lined with foliage. He made sure to check every patch. Every time he swiped the plant life with his claws, he hoped that he would dig into brightly colored flesh. A large, nearby palm bathed the surrounding swamp in darkness. The Dog made his way to the shadows. A particularly large bush sat in the water. It was more than big enough for a pony to hide in. He raised his razor sharp claws and struck into the heart of the bush. It was empty, and so he made his way to the next group of plants. He waded past a small collection of dead reeds sticking out of the water. He stood in front of a small garden of very tall cattail weeds. With a toothy grin he sliced through the stems of the weeds He was so engrossed in his search he didn't notice the large Unicorn emerge from the waters behind him. The Diamond Dog suddenly couldn't breathe. He clasped his paws around his throat as an emerald green aura tightened around it. A large hoof covered his mouth and another one pressed down on his head. The weight of the assailant forced the Diamond Dog into the white void of the water. He struggled to claw at his attacker, but under the water he lost all sense of spatial awareness. And the white water slowly faded to black.
Joe allowed the Diamond Dog’s dead body to sink to the mud below. Behind him, Anavua breathed a sigh of relief. Sea Swirl stood mortified. Her hoof covered her mouth in shock.
Joe turned to her and said with deadpan seriousness, “There. The coast is clear now.”
Sea Swirl stared at Joe like a mouse standing before a hungry Griffon. “That’s so cruel… Why?”
“Because I had to.” Joe continued to wade through the swamp to the other side. “Let’s go find a place to dry off.”
“But shouldn't we do something about the body?” Sea Swirl asked with a sickening gulp.
“No.” Joe responded, “It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.”
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 11: A Good Place to Rest
“It’s absolutely beautiful!” gasped Sea Swirl as the three ponies left the marsh and arrived at a clearing. A great waterfall towered above them. The gushing water poured over the smooth rock of the cliff face and into the clear, sparkling pool below. The spring was wide and deep and the water was appetizingly clean. Sea Swirl wasted no time in jumping into the water to rinse the film of filth from her body. As her body touched the water her horn shined once again. She dunked her head in an out of the water like a dolphin. The clearing was surrounded by very thick trees and the roaring of the waterfall kept their voices from travelling too far.
“This looks like a good spot to rest for a while.” Joe said.
Anavua sighed heavily and lied down on the cool dirt. “That is good, for my hooves ache and tire. We shall rest while I start the fire.”
“No!” Joe snapped. “No fire. It will only draw the Diamond Dogs in. We’ll have to make due without it.” Joe approached the spring and took off his white collared shirt and rinsed it in the sparkling water. He was considering washing himself off as well when he was doused with a spray of water from Sea Swirl who had jumped out of the pool and shook the water off of her coat like a dog. She smiled apologetically and sat down on the rocks next to Joe. Sea Swirl stretched her back like a cat and lied down with her head resting on her hooves.
“You seem awfully relaxed for somepony who just had her life threatened.” said Joe. “I’m sorry I got you into this, Sea Swirl.”
“It’s ok.” she replied. “I’m used to rummaging through the jungle. My father was a zoologist and he often took me on expeditions…” Sea Swirl sat in silence for a moment. Her eyes were listless and forlorn. “Tell me, are you going to arrest Doctor Ironhoof?”
“Well somepony’s got to stop him. We can’t have him killing everypony who comes onto the island now can we?”
“It wasn't the first time. I’m pretty sure he killed my father.” said Sea Swirl in a pathetic whimper. Her eyelids were closed in thought and the color of youth dissipated from her face. Joe went back to bathing his hooves in the spring but he remained fixated on the young filly in the corner of his eyes. Sea Swirl continued, “We came to the Ponibean to study sea shells. He went to collect samples at Cockatrice Key and never came back. The locals say he drowned but he was far too good a swimmer for that.”
“What about the rest of your family?” Joe asked as we wrung his shirt dry.
“It was only ever just my father and me. We traveled all over the world until my father died. And then I started making a living here by selling sea shells.”
Joe put his shirt back on and sat down next to Sea Swirl. “What about education? You never went to school while travelling around?”
Sea Swirl sat up alongside Joe. The cold mist of the waterfall tickled their backs and Sea Swirl rubbed her hoof against the mossy stone. “I never needed it.” she said. “I have an encyclopedia. When I was a little filly I started with ’A’ and I’m at ‘T’.” She gave Joe a cheeky smile with the devilish glint of an raccoon in her eye. “I bet I know a lot more things than you.”
Joe enjoyed seeing her more playful nature resurface. He felt it best to keep the conversation going, if only so he could keep enjoying that enticing grin of her’s a little longer. “Nopony in Janeighca helped you?”
“Well there was somepony else. Until he started to do bad things to me…” the cheekiness faded and her muscles tensed back up. Joe tried to put a hoof around her shoulder but she escaped his grasp with the reflexes of a fly avoiding the swatter. She instead looked into her reflection in the spring, broken and distorted from the waves. “So I put a Star Spider in his bed. A female and they’re the worst. It took him a whole week to die.”
Joe could not believe his ears. He recounted all the lives he had taken with his own hooves. His thoughts turned to the Diamond Dog body that currently floated in the milky white swamp. His mind became dizzy and clouded and for a moment he thought he had changed bodies with the innocent filly who had reacted in disgust to his earlier actions. The naive kitten before him now emanated the dangerous aura of a hungry lioness. Sea Swirl must have saw the look on Joe’s face as she quickly shrunk down like a cornered mouse.
“Did I do wrong?” She whimpered.
Joe shook his head, for his sake more than hers, and put on his most charming smile. “Well I wouldn't make a habit out of it.”
Sea Swirl smiled in relief and moved closer to Joe. She leaned in close until their muzzles almost touched. Her tail absentmindedly dipped into the spring water and her horn glowed slightly. The magenta light reflected onto her rose colored eyes which gave the impression of a vividly beautiful sunset.
“What about you?” she asked. “Do you have a very special somepony?”
She was so close that Joe could feel her breath commingling with his. Sweat began to drip from behind his ears. “Well I…”
“Captain, quick! come see this area of the mire!” Joe and Sea Swirl both jumped in shock as Anavua galloped towards the spring. “It has all been burned by fire!”
In truth, Joe had completely forgotten about Anavua. With the swiftness of a wild coyote rummaging a litter bin, Sea Swirl hopped off the rocks. Joe could tell she was trying to avoid looking at him. He cleared his throat and went to join the manic Zebra. Anavua led Joe to the edge of the clearing and moved some shrubbery to the side. The lush green jungle turned dead and grey. All that remained of the small plants was a blanket of ash that covered dirt and stone. A once proud tree had been reduced to a larger equivalent to a used matchstick. Joe moved in closer to inspect the damage and stumbled at a sudden loss of hoofing. He looked down to see what he tripped on. It was an imprint of a large claw, about the size of a pony. He looked down the road and saw similar tracks heading down a clearly marked trail bordered by the remains of forcefully rooted trees.
“Those are Dragon tracks.” said Sea Swirl with dread. Joe snorted and dusted himself off. He had about all he could stand hearing about this foolish Dragon nonsense.
“Dragons don’t live on islands!” He retorted while emphasizing his confident reassurance.
“How do you know?” she asked. “Have you ever seen the Chimeras of the Flame Geyser Swamp? Or the Tatzlwurm that lives at the edge of Equestria?”
Joe recalled his studies of monstrology at Canterlot. He knew from his first in habitation that although such oddities were not unheard of, stranger things had been recorded. Of course, Joe had no intentions admitting the possibility, least of all to a filly who hasn't learned anything beyond the letter ‘T’. “I can’t say that I have.” was all he had to say. With the conversation having fallen awkwardly to the wayside, Joe silently turned and followed the tracks up the path of destruction with Sea Swirl and Anavua following cautiously behind.
The can’t miss claw marks continued up the mountainside towards the rocky hills. The smoldering and broken remains of a once tranquil forest framed a clear path which Joe and the others followed for about forty five minutes. As the trail climbed higher the stones became blacker. The trees and grass grew deader and the birdsong diminished until they found themselves in a quarry surrounded by nothing but rocks and dirt. Rusted wheelbarrows and broken pickaxes littered the abandoned quarry. The occasional sparkling gemstone protruded from the dull grey rocks. Several stones of every color spilled out of an old tipped over cart that rested beside the remains of a rail track. The tracks, which had mostly eroded away with time, disappeared into a pitch black cavern carved into the side of the mountain. Throughout the dead earth, litter among the chips of gemstone and twisted metal, were more claw-like imprints.
“They’re heading into that cave.” Sea Swirl felt the need to point out. The mouth of the cave was wide. Far wider, in fact, than any gemstone mine had any business being. The sides and roof of the tunnel were not supported by beams or rigging of any kind. The walls were as hard and smooth as glass and reflected a myriad of light in the dying sun. Joe realized that twilight had sneaked up on them and felt the weight of borrowed time billowing out from the tunnel and pressing down upon him. “Whatever this ‘Dragon’ is,” Sea Swirl continued, “it must be guarding something. Like its hoard.”
Joe saw it clearly in his mind: a Dragon so matured with greed that even a single talon towered over any pony foolish enough to approach the mountain of gold and gems on which it slept. Each gemstone collected made the Dragon even more ravenous for material possession. This natural lust for treasure was a simple fact of Dragon biology. Joe had encountered such beasts before. He recalled a particular mission where he had to wake such a titan who had fallen asleep among his wealth and nearly blanketed Equestria in darkness with his smoking snore. So then why, he thought to himself, am I finding this scenario so impossible to believe?
This unshakable feeling that he was missing something drove him to approach the mouth of the tunnel. His hooves crunched against the shards of gems that intermingled with the sand. Further back, Sea Swirl and Anavua huddled in fear. As Joe’s hooffalls just barely began to echo into the cave walls, he could quite clearly hear something echoing back out. The grumbling was low but steady and constant much unlike a breath. He could smell sulfur but something else as well. It was a familiar scent that reminded him of a train yard. A screeching grind rang out from the darkness and halted Joe’s progress. The sound stuttered and wretched and popped. Joe’s sight had failed him by this point. The sun nearly set and light from the cave entrance behind him had left him stranded in the darkness. Instinctively, Joe reached out a hoof. A sizzling pain shot through Joe’s foreleg. Joe let out a profanity fueled by pain that echoed through the cavern for what felt like minutes.
Joe blew on his burning hoof. Whatever he had touched radiated a nasty heat. Joe looked at his hoof and thankfully it wasn't hurt too badly aside from some discoloration. Joe the gulped loudly as he came to the realization that he could see. Joe stared forward and found himself in the gaze of two glowing, yellow eyes.
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 13: Doctor Ironhoof
Joe rubbed his aching head as he threw off the bed sheets and sat up on the mattress. At some point during the time in which Joe was knocked out, somepony had moved him to the bed and tucked him in. The thought disturbed Joe and he forced the imagery out of his head. The room was once again spotless. All the broken china and coffee stains had been completely cleaned up. Sea Swirl was nowhere to be seen so Joe called out to her. The foggy glass window that divided the rooms slid open and Sea Swirl stepped out wearing a simple green dress.
“I’m right here, Con. I just woke up. Is it morning already?”
“In all honesty I have no idea what time it is, or how long we've been out for. It’s impossible to tell down here. How’re you feeling?”
Sea Swirl rubbed her eyes. “Sleepy. What made us pass out like that?”
“The coffee was drugged.” he answered. “By the way, where did you get the dress?”
“It was hung up on the wall with a note telling me to wear it.”
Joe glanced over to the far wall of his room. Sure enough there was a Hoity Toity hung up on a hook. The white dress shirt was professionally pressed and the black dinner jacket was devoid of any traces of dust or lint. Hanging loosely on the collar was a bright red bowtie and pinned to the lapel was a note reading ‘wear this for dinner.’
“It’s perfectly tailored…” Joe noted as he put on the clothes. The mechanical door suddenly slid open and Sister Lilly entered the room.
“It is almost time for dinner.” she announced with her usual excessive jubilation, “We wouldn't want to keep the doctor waiting.”
“Oh well we can’t have that can we?” Joe said with dry sarcasm. “Are you ready Sea Swirl?”
“I suppose so…” Her eyes were completely devoid of life. Her head hung low.
Joe turned to Lilly. “How do I look?”
“Most appropriate!” She smiled.
“Yeah but appropriate for what?”
She didn’t answer. She lead Joe and Sea Swirl out into the hall and towards an elevator at the end of the corridor. The carriage was large and made from polished bronze. Lilly did not join them in their ride down. Instead she smiled and waved politely as the large bronze doors closed ominously. The two were left alone in the ride down. Neither spoke a word. When the humming stopped, the doors opened to a room more opulent than any Joe had ever seen. A fire pit the size of a round dinner table made the room feel cozy, but not humid or stuffy as one would expect. A small flight of nearby stairs led to an upper viewing platform complete with a polished wood banister. A long dining table which could easily sit twelve ponies was set for only three complete with a beautiful white tablecloth, silverware made from real silver, plates of delicious smelling food covered with tins and chilled bottles of apple cider.
The most eye catching attraction in the hall, however, was the wall that sat opposite of the dining area. The entire wall was made out of glass. An expansive blue realm sprawled out in front of them.
“Is this a fish tank?” Sea Swirl asked.
“No.” Joe responded, “It’s a window. We must be hundreds of feet deep.”
“But look at that! Sea Tulips! They do not grow over a hundred feet.”
Another school of fish swam by the glass. They were the most massive fish Joe had ever seen. They were far bigger than any pony and many rivaled sharks he had seen. The problem rested in the fact that Joe recognized what the fish were.
“These minnow are larger than we are. How is that possible?”
“Magic, Mr. Mane.” Echoed an ominous voice from behind. The deathly rasp slithered into Joe’s ears and prickled the back of his neck. He heard hoofsteps, but they were unnatural. These hoofsteps were heavy and metallic. He could feel each stomp vibrate in his throat. Joe turned around to face the owner of the chilling voice. A large shadowy pony waltzed down the flight of stairs. His coat was blacker than ebony and he was draped in a royal purple cowl that hid his flank. He was a Unicorn as much as Joe could tell. But his horn was demented. The blood red horn was long and curved into a deadly point. The most shocking feature of the Unicorn, however, were his eyes. His irises were red and rest of his eyes glowed an eerie green. A deep purple mist emanated from his eyes. Joe realized he had seen this disfiguration before, when Sea Swirl was being decontaminated. Sea Swirl quivered in absolute terror at the demonic sight.
“Look, Sea Swirl.” Joe warned her, “These are the lasting effects of Shadow Corruption I told you about.”
The shadowy Unicorn approached them with a sadistically suave smile. “You will forgive me if I don’t hoof bump.” He raised a foreleg. At first Joe thought he was wearing leg armor. Upon closer inspection, however, he saw that both of his front legs were amputated at the joint and had been replaced with metal prosthetics. “It becomes awkward for me at times. You see I unfortunately lost both of my front hooves in an accident that occurred while practicing my dark arts. You were admiring my aquarium?”
The stallion’s velvety voice was hypnotic. It reminded Joe of a viper, dancing to mesmerize its prey before biting it. “Yeah, very impressive.” Joe decided to amuse him.
The Unicorn stepped forward and gazed upon the glass in reverence. “A most admirable spell if I do say so myself, after all I created it. Anything seen through this glass is magically magnified.
“Minnows pretending they’re whales.” Joe tutted, “Just like you and this island, Doctor Ironhoof.”
The doctor merely smiled at the jest. “That depends, Mr. Mane, on which side of the glass you’re on.” He tapped one of his metallic hooves twice on the ground. On command, a Diamond Dog that was wearing a uniform far too fancy than any Diamond Dog had business wearing, approached Joe with a platter. “I've brought this for you. Coffee, extra black, with marshmallows and a jelly donut.”
“Extra sprinkles?” Joe asked dubiously.
“Of course.” Ironhoof slithered. “Now come, Mr. Mane, we have so much to discuss but so little time.” With a flick of his cloak, Doctor Ironhoof led Joe and Sea Swirl up the small flight of stairs to the dining table.
“Well you haven’t done too badly for yourself, considering.” Joe said for the sake of attempting to keep up the appearance of polite conversation.
Ironhoof’s metal hoofsteps echoed up the through the hall. Joe pulled back a chair for Sea Swirl to sit in. She feigned an almost smile as she sat down. Her mental distance had not been lost on Joe. Joe sat himself down across from his gracious host. “That depends on what you make of it.” said Ironhoof, “I was born under peculiar circumstances. The son of a well off Unicorn family from the outskirts of Equestria, or so I thought. Turns out my mother was a Changeling. I unfortunately was born pony and did not inherit her magic. Yet even still I became treasurer of an undercover brood within Canterlot.” Ironhoof used his shadowy magic to fill everypony’s plates with iceberg lettuce and apple slices wrapped in moist seaweed. His conversation stayed calm and sociable.
“Rather rare for the Changelings to trust a pony.” Joe remarked while politely tasting the seaweed apples. They were very delicious.
“I doubt they will do so again.” Ironhoof chuckled, “I escaped Equestria with half a million bits in jewels.”
Joe glanced to the side. He wasn't sure if Sea Swirl had even noticed there was now food on her plate. “So that’s how you financed this operation. It was a good idea to utilize Shadow Magic. It’s also good to know that you can control it properly. I’d hate to think you’re decontamination chamber wasn't effective.”
Ironhoof’s faced beamed with pride. “I am the greatest and most powerful practitioner of Black Magic in all of Equestria. But without cost…” He allowed one of his metal hooves to fall heavily onto the table. The tableware rang in protest and Sea Swirl nearly jumped out of her seat. The doctor was amused by the reaction and chuckled silently to himself “...as you can see.”
Joe enjoyed some lettuce. “I see… The source of your power had our Princess puzzled for some time.”
“She’s still puzzled, Mr. Mane.” Ironhoof reacted quickly.
“Not for long.” Joe gloated. He allowed himself to appear cocky. He knew Ironhoof’s hubris wouldn't be able to handle it. “I've submitted by complete report.”
Ironhoof didn't budge. Using a fork and knife he calmly cut his own piece of lettuce and indulged in the treat. “That is a lie.” He calmly stated, “You have not contacted Canterlot since you requested permission for that Trace Magic Detector.”
Joe’s spine chilled. No doubt he was being fed information by agents such as Desire, but having his own action repeated to him made Joe feel vulnerable and uneasy. Ironhoof smirked and basked in his confidence. Joe was not ready to relent. “But there are so many files open on you already, Doctor Ironhoof. Our own, the LIA’s, the one from the Changeling brood you robbed… When trouble comes you’ll find that this is a small and vulnerable little island.”
“This island is expendable. When my mission here at Cockatrice Key is done, I will destroy it and move on. The only reason I humor your curiosity and keep you alive is because you are the one pony who can appreciate what I've done!”
“Wait a minute!” Joe could feel the tension boiling the air. “There is no point in involving the filly at this stage. She’s got nothing to do with us! Let her go free. I promise she won’t talk.”
Sea Swirl’s eyes bulged in reaction. She grabbed Joe’s arm and tugged childishly. However, Joe’s gaze remained resolutely locked on Ironhoof. “No I won’t! I’m staying with you!”
Joe turned to her and glowered. “I don’t want you here!” He said harshly. Sea Swirl slinked back like a guilty puppy. Joe could see that her heart was shattered but it was for her own good.
“I agree.” said Ironhoof, “this is no place for the filly. Take her away!” The Diamond Dogs guarding the nearby door rushed forward and greedily grabbed her hooves. She violently fought the aggressors but they were still able to effortlessly drag her away.
“Let me go! Let me go!” she screamed as the Diamond Dogs chuckled with glee.
Ironhoof smiled dryly. “I’m sure the Diamond Dogs will amuse her.”
Joe snapped at the comment. He rose from his chair and without thinking grabbed a nearby glass jar and raised it above his head. Joe couldn't move his body. He was completely paralyzed by Ironhoof’s magic. The Diamond Dogs had taken Sea Swirl out the door.
“Hold it right there, Mr. Mane! That’s a jar of premium Zap Apple Jam. It’s be a pity to break it.” He released Joe from his hold and Joe pulled his seat back in. He looked down at the jar he grabbed and appreciated the perfect spectrum of color inside.
“I prefer the cider myself.”
“A clumsy effort, Mr. Mane. I am not a foal so please don’t treat me as one. And please return my table knife.”
Joe smiled sheepishly and brought out the knife he stole in the confusion from underneath the table and returned it. “Well we can’t all be geniuses.” he chuckled in defeat. “Tell me: Does destroying the shield surrounding the New Lunar Republic really compensate for having no hooves?”
Joe was back on the attack. Ironhoof’s eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened. Joe finally found his edge. “The NLR is only the first step to proving our power!” Ironhoof said in a dark growl.
“OUR power?” Joe asked, “With your disregard for the lives of your fellow ponies you must be working with the Griffons.”
“Griffons, ponies, Changelings, just forms of life each as stupid as the other. I am a member of DISCORD.”
“DISCORD?”
“DISCORD!” Ironhoof proclaimed with pride. “Degenerates Interested in Spreading Chaos, Oppression, Ruin and Disharmony. The ultimate freedom from destiny, lead by the greatest brains in the world.”
“Correction. Evil brain.”
“The evil brain is always superior. It has to be.”
“But why become evil? I’m sure Princess Luna would welcome a sorcerer of your… caliber.”
Ironhoof’s expression turned dour and vengeful. “The NLR are fools! I offered them my knowledge of the dark arts and they refused. So did all the other nations. Now they will all pay for their mistake!”
Joe had him. He had reached a mental advantage and now he needed to make the final blow. “World domination…” he mused, “same old dream. Our asylums are full of ponies who think they are Starswirl the Bearded or deserve to be ascended into Alicorns.”
You are persistent in trying to provoke me, Mr. Mane.” He breathed calmly. Joe feared that he perhaps jumped too soon. “I could have killed you in the swamp.”
“Then why didn't you?”
“I thought you less stupid. Usually when a pony gets in my way…” Ironhoof levitated a small statuette from a shelf across the hall to the table. He pressed his mechanical hoof down on the solid metal object and flattened it effortlessly. “But you are different. You cost me time, money and effort. You've damaged my organization and my pride. I was interested in what kind of pony you were. I thought there might even have been a place for you in DISCORD.”
“Well I’m flattered.” Joe responded with disdain, “I am especially interested in the ‘Ruin’ department. Of course my first order of business would be to ruin the lives of those who killed Strange Ways and Anavua!”
Ironhoof remained calm. “Unfortunately I misjudged you. You are just another stupid soldier in the Royal Guard… Whose luck has run out.”
a mechanical door behind Joe slid open and a Diamond Dog emerged. “The crystal is ready, Master.” he squealed.
Ironhoof looked pleased. “There’s no hurry. The NLR shields wouldn't have fully recovered yet.”
“You won’t get away with it this time you know!” Joe barked, “The Lunar Guard are prepared for any trouble.”
Doctor Ironhoof sneered. The darkness that emanated from his eyes flickered more ghastly than before. “I never fail, Mr. Mane.”
“What is to be done with him, Master?” asked the Diamond Dog servant.
“Roughen him up,” Ironhoof answered, “I haven’t finished with him yet.”
Before Joe could react, the Dog violently bashed him in the back of his head. Joe tried to crawl away but more Diamond Dogs appeared and wrestled him to the ground. They scratched and clawed and bit at Joe’s skin. Joe tried desperately to fight back but he was quickly overpower. As he lost his vision to blood and fur, Joe heard the shadowy laughter of Doctor Ironhoof haunting him in the distance.
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Joe’s entire body ached. He groaned himself awake as he realized just how much pain he had been subjected to. He stumbled off of the stale mattress held by a rod iron frame and tried to find his hoofing. He looked down at the purple, blue and red blotches that dotted his coat. Scratches, just deep enough to almost bleed, played tic-tac-toe across is forelegs. There was no mirror around, but Joe could imagine the state of his face by the sting alone. His muzzle must have been even rounder and his mane even messier than usual. It took several minutes for him to figure out whether or not his right eye was working or not. It was, as far as he could tell. His clothes suffered as well. The red bow tie was missing. The black dinner jacket hung loosely on his shoulders and one of the sleeves had torn completely off. The dress shirt was so tattered it only barely qualified as clothing.
Joe took note of his cell. It was a proper cell this time. It was a cramped little room with stone floors and stone walls only big enough to accommodate a single pony. Joe’s only company was the minimalist bed, a toilet and a traditional metal door. Joe had hoped the door would have the traditional iron barred window to accompany it but sadly there was no such luck. Joe was isolated from the outside completely save for a vent pumping warm, moist air into the cell.
Joe stared at the vent. He figured if he could use the iron bed, he could reach it. And it was just wide enough that he could probably squeeze his way through. The vent was covered with a metal mesh grate but it looked flimsy enough. Joe chuckled at the absurdity of it. The laughter didn't last long as his ribs immediately stung and it devolved into a fit of coughing. Joe considered the cell door next. It probably used a mechanism similar to the other doors in the facility. If I could superheat the control mechanism, he thought. But then what if doing so prevented the door from opening at all? And who knows how many guards were on the other side? No, there were too many risks. Joe laid down on the bed staring up at that Celestia forsaken vent. Joe recalled times in which he did crawl through such ventilation systems. He remembered telling MARE how impractical it was. It was far from silent. Not to mention the idea of bright silvery chrome crawl ways was a rubbish myth. Vent shafts were dark and completely covered with dust, sometimes halfway up the shaft. Even if you could maneuver your way inside, you’d likely suffocate.
But there that vent was. It taunted Joe. Joe became convinced that the only reason that vent existed was to show him how utterly hopeless he had become. He was being held prisoner, alright, but not by Diamond Dogs or an insane scientist. ‘Where is Con Mane?’ Joe could hear whispering through the grate. ‘The Con Mane from a year ago would have already crawled through me. The Con Mane from a year ago wasn't fat. He wasn't a coward.’
“Shut up!” Joe yelled aloud at the vent. “At least I tried dammit! At least I got off my fat flank and tried this time, and look what happened! This is what happens when I try! Everypony dies and I can’t do a damn thing to stop it! Well I’m done caring. You hear me!? I said I aint going anywhere!”
Joe’s echo disappeared into the void of the vent.
“Well do you really, really have to go?” A voice answered back, “You could always just stay here you know.”
The voice rang within Joe’s ear. It was mare’s voice. A sharp sultry husk with a flair of innocence that Joe recognized. He could picture her. He could see her beat red coat and blue black mane that covered one of her ice-blue eyes.
Joe saw another mare standing before him in his memory’s eye. This one was a faint pink, with a wild blue mane.
Joe’s voice continued, “There’s an old friend of mine who is in some hot water and it’s partially because of me. Now I need to go and make things right with her. I've been hiding behind that counter for too long now. It’s about time I face reality and pony up.”
Velvet exhaled in disappointment and cast her eyes to the side.
“Just when things were getting interesting again.”
Joe sat up. He looked at his scratched and bruised up foreleg. He imagined Sea Swirl and all the terrors that she must be facing. He thought of Sky Blazer and his ship full of Lunar soldiers waiting off the coast of Janeighca, praying for Joe to succeed. And he thought of Anavua lying dead in an unrecognizable heap in the quarry and the faith he must of held onto during his final agonizing breaths.
That vent was still there. It’s thin metal grate staring down from the wall in silent judgement. Joe clinched his teeth. The pain in his ribs gave way to the adrenaline. Joe’s horn glowed with an emerald green light. His temples throbbed in protest but he told them to shut up. He wrapped his focus around the metal grate, anticipating the ecstasy of ripping it clean off and slamming it into the far wall.
However, instead of flying off of the vent, the grate emitted a blinding flash. A searing pain shot through Joe’s body from his horn like a bolt of lightning. He screamed in pain and held his temples tight in fear of something leaking out. The grate was still there, surrounded by a deep purple shimmer.
“It’s magic proof...” Joe pressed his back against the wall and slumped down. He allowed gravity to take full possession of his body. In a sobbing rage, Joe banged the back of his head against the prison wall. He banged it again and again. Liquid shame poured down his face. His hind legs ferociously bucked the nothing in front of him. His right hoof punched the cold hard concrete floor and he slammed his other hoof up against the wall as well.
A metallic ting filled the muggy air. It caught Joe off guard. He looked at his hoof and noticed the watch. The Diamond Dogs never took the watch. The stupid gizmo. The poor excuse for a gimmick that made a mockery of real magic. Joe laughed pathetically. Surely I must be delusional, he thought as he burst into a fit of hysterics.
Joe never noticed how beautiful the watch was. The strap, the face, the trimming. It was all so beautiful. The glass had cracked just slightly but the hoofs in the clock still ticked away. Joe thought back to his briefing in MARE’s office. He turned the silvery dial surrounding the face. It clicked in place to a new setting. With a strange sense of curiosity, Joe pointed his hoof out towards the far wall and with his other hoof pressed the small silver button on the side of the watch.
Joe must have jumped a whole foot when a concentrated red beam of light shot out from the watch. A tiny, smoking, black smudge sizzled on the stone wall. Joe fired the laser again making another smudge next to the first one. His face beamed in a massive smile. He shot the laser again this time long enough the draw a curved line. When he was done he marveled at the smiley face he had created. Joe burst into laughter once again. He jumped to his feet and rushed to the bed with abandon. The feet of the bed frame were bolted down. Joe pointed his watch at the bolts and effortlessly melted them away with his new-found power.
He grabbed the bed and dragged it up against the wall right underneath the vent. From there it would be a simple climb. Joe pointed the watch at the grate and fired the laser. He carefully etched around the frame of the gate. A tiny white hot flame marked his path across the metal. When he nearly finished going all the way around, the grate fell and hung on its remaining pivot. It swung helplessly back and forth in defeat.
Joe mustered his strength, ignored all the pain in his body, and leaped up to grab the edge of the shaft. He grunted in both pain and exertion as he forced his girthy frame into the shaft. His bruised and bloodied body pressed against the hot metal inside, leaving him just enough room to crawl forward. The clanging of the metal as he scuffled forward blasted his ears. Darkness soon blinded him, but Joe lit his horn. He kept the magical light as low as he could to avoid the pain in his temples.
Joe continued to press on. He counted each inch as its own small victory. The shaft was actually very clean. The mounds of dust Joe expected were simply not there. Further he continued. The faces of everypony he knew stuck in his mind and their voices urged him forward. As he scuttled through the tiny shaft, one of his hooves suddenly didn't touch anything. Joe stopped himself just in front another shaft that dropped downwards from the floor. Joe could see the air vent continuing past the pit, but it was far too wide for him to cross. Joe had either two options: turn back or drop. Joe looked down. The light of his horn didn't reach far enough for him to see the bottom. He stared into the blackness of possible infinity and gulped a large collection of saliva.
He had to work carefully. Two ends of the shaft were just far enough apart that he could press all of his hooves against them and brace himself. Joe managed to position himself upright so that his hindquarters would go down the pit first. With all of his might, Joe pressed his hooves tightly against the walls and tried to support his own weight. His damaged muscles and ribs rebelled against him. The pain was so great that Joe was left paralyzed. His hoofing gave way and Joe plummeted down the shaft in free fall.
Joe continued forward in the direction parallel to the shaft above. The ground was wet with small puddles of water. The moisture in the tunnel was so thick that Joe felt like he was swimming against it. The tattered remains of his shirt was plastered against his body as was his mane. As the tunnel went on, Joe noticed that the metal floor was getting hot. Soon the floor became so scorching that he couldn’t afford to let his hooves touch it. Joe grabbed his shirt with his teeth and ripped it off. It was now nothing more than a wet rag. Joe ripped it in half and wrapped his front hooves. He would have to simply deal with the pain of his back hooves.
Joe inched forward, as slowly as ever. As he continued, Joe couldn't help but notice a growing rumbling. At first he discredited it as just the noises of a typical air vent. But then it grow louder. Then it grew deafening. Joe turned his neck around. Whatever it was that was roaring within the tunnel was drawing nearer. Then Joe figured it out. He realized why the tunnel was so humid and why the ground was so hot and why there were puddles of water on the floor. This tunnel wasn't for air; it was part of a water cooling system.
Within the glow of his horn, Joe saw the water rushing towards him. Early waves were flowing passed his hooves. Without a second thought, Joe flung himself to the ground. He pressed his entire body tightly against the red hot floor. His skin sizzled. Joe took a deep breath and braced himself as the tunnel was filled with water. The raging torrent felt like a steam train using his body as a track. It was heavy and sharp and oh so hot. The water was hotter than the tunnel floor. It started to feel less like water and more like Dragonfire.
The new path was dry. The entrance was on a ledge just high enough that the water didn't rush in. Joe figured it was a maintenance hatch. He crawled his way through and was blinded by the light of the exit. The hatch lead out to another grated panel just like the one in Joe’s cell. It was near the floor and he waited in silence as four hooves dressed in one of the protective suits walk by. When Joe was sure he was alone, he checked his watch. The watch was still ticking and he prayed that the other mechanisms survived the enduring waters. Joe didn't want to take chances with the grate. He pointed the watch and thankfully the laser shot out.
Joe climbed out of the open vent and arrived at an empty, white corridor. He followed the corridor in the direction that he saw the pony walk. He peered around a corner and saw it. The pony was standing before a door with large black and yellow warning labels used to signify dangerous magic. It was a checking a clipboard. Slowly Joe edged towards the unknown pony. When he was close enough he grabbed the pony by the neck and strangled it. He stripped the protective suit from the pony. It was an Earth Pony, Orange with a white mane. Joe silently apologized to the John Doe and hastily put on the suit. It covered him from head to toe and hid all of his features.
Joe approached the panel next to the large door and pressed the button. The door opened up to a massive cavern made entirely out of black crystals. Their ebony black surfaces reflected the negative light that came from a gigantic purple crystal that was held suspended into the middle of the chamber over a bottomless pit. The light from the crystal felt heavy. Joe struggle to move through the massive flowing power. various cords were attached to the crystal that led to a plethora of strange machines that lines the scaffolding that was arranged throughout the black crystal chamber. Diamond Dogs and ponies, all dressed in the protective suits, scurried throughout the room checking the equipment. As Joe entered the chamber he noticed a flight of stairs carved out of the black crystal. He gazed up at the top of the stairs and saw a stone altar on which rested an ancient looking book that sat closed. Next to the altar was large throne made from black painted wood and decorated with more black crystals and plush red satin. And sitting on the throne, garbed in purple sorcerer's robes, was of course Doctor Ironhoof. He wore no protective clothing. His bare, black coat and glowing eyes and disfigured horn basked in the evil light of the crystal. His horn flared with black tendrils and bubbling green glow.
“Yes! Yes! It’s working!” He gloated. His voice echoed through the chamber in an ungodly baritone. “Keep charging the crystal!”
Joe edged closer. He had to examine the crystal that was generating the Shadow Magic. Joe was almost close enough to see his own disguised reflection the crystalline structure. Suddenly, a loud metallic bang filled the air. Joe quickly turned to Ironhoof. He had arisen from his throne and stood tall upon his ghastly prosthetics. Joe was paralyzed in fear as Ironhoof’s evil green gaze remained fixated upon him.
Ironhoof roared in anger,“You!”
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Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 15: The Hour of My Victory is at Hoof
“You!” Ironhoof’s voice rattled the crystal chamber, “You are late! What are you doing just standing around? Get back to work!”
Ironhoof sat back down on his throne in annoyance. Joe bowed apologetically towards his ‘master’ and hurried up the scaffolding. The machines that were wired to the giant, dark crystal displayed various levels of safety parameters, output measurements and manufacturing rates. The machines were collecting the Shadow Magic generated by the crystal and siphoning them to a focal point that must have been located somewhere on the island. The focal point would work as a giant Unicorn Horn, casting an invisible blast of Shadow Magic all the way across the sea to the NLR.
Joe approached the railing of the scaffold. The massive crystal magically levitated over a deep black empty pit. No. Upon further inspection, it wasn't empty. The pit was filled with some sort of formless matter, blacker than night, that swirled and bubbled below. Joe kicked a nearby rock that must have crumbled off of the cavern wall. As soon as the rock hit the evil ooze, it disintegrated into nothing.The chills that crawled up Joe’s legs pushed him back.
Joe continued across the scaffold until he reached a catwalk that went right up to the crystal. Joe was inches away from touching it, but he knew better. The crystal lattice that made up the core of the object’s structure looked worn. Tiny cracks and faint blotches of discoloration littered the purple surface. Joe figured that the crystal must have been thousands of years old. An object of this size composed of pure evil energy trapped in the earth, biding its time. Joe shivered at the thought.
But then Joe noticed something else attached to the crystal. A black metal band had been welded against the circumference of the crystal like a ring. The ring was carved with various runes and charms. From what Joe could make out, the ring must have been a spell. The crystal must have been older and more brittle than he had realized. A spell was needed to stabilize the crystal and keep it from collapsing under the weight of its own power.
“Master,” A Diamond Dog yelled out across the room, “the crystal is at maximum. We are ready for you to recite the incantation!”
Joe looked at Ironhoof on his throne. His teeth were sharp and pointed. His eyes relished in the flavor of victory. Slowly he rose from his throne. His curved, red horn was absorbing the tenebrous energies of the crystal. Its dark aura grew larger and fiercer.
“Finally!” He proclaimed with the force of a mountain, “The hour of my victory is at hoof!” All the Diamond Dogs and other ponies in the room watched Ironhoof in reverence-- or was it fear? Joe couldn't tell under the masks. Ironhoof triumphantly waltzed towards the stone altar that sat near his throne. His purple robes billowed behind him like a specter. He approached the ancient book that sat upon the altar and opened it to a bookmarked page. Ironhoof was too high for Joe to see what secrets the book could possibly hold. Ironhoof started to chant. The tongue was ancient and although Joe could recognize it, he could not make out what the words meant.
All of a sudden Joe felt strange. His horn came to life with a strange tingling, both hot and cold at the same time. The words began to form a melody in Joe’s mind. It was sweet like a lullaby. Then he felt something began to stir. It was the crystal. The crystal was coming to life. Joe’s horn could sense each throb of magical heartbeat that pulsated from the crystal. The evil energies of the crystal wriggled within, looking for a way out like a newborn forcing its way out of an egg. And it felt good. For whatever reason, a small part of Joe’s mind welcomed it. It made him feel somehow free.
No! Joe stopped looking at Ironhoof. He knew in a few moments the evil sorcerer would launch a spell that would destroy the NLR’s shield. He looked around desperately for anything he could use. Ironhoof was too high up for Joe to reach in time and he knew trying to use magic against Ironhoof while he was surrounded by such savage energies would be suicide. The crystal. Joe had to somehow destroy the crystal. He looked at the protective ring around the ancient gem. If Joe could destroy the ring, the crystal would go berserk. He had no idea what the result of that would be, but he was left with no other option. Joe focused his magic on the ring but nothing happened. He looked around in confusion. Why wasn't his magic working?
Ironhoof’s chanting grew louder. The black energy that swirled around him turned a sickening green. Joe tried to examine the ring closer for some sort of clue but the crystal grew darker and darker. If only the visor on the blasted mask wasn't so dark! The mask! Joe realized that his magic couldn't penetrate the mask. He had to take it off. But doing so would expose him. It would expose him not only to Ironhoof, but to the Shadow Magic that filled the room. He knew he could potentially become corrupted just like Ironhoof.
Joe took a deep breath. With disturbing calmness he removed the mask from the rest of his protection suit. It felt good to breath open air once again. With the mask off the evil felt even more real. He could hear Ironhoof’s chanting even more clearly. He could see the darkness that danced on the black crystal walls.
Knowing he would be recognized in mere moments, Joe tried his magic once again. He surrounded the metal ring with his emerald aura. He could feel the magic in the ring. He studied the properties in his mind. He had to find the right counter spell to undo the ring. He concentrated with his eyes closed knowing that any second now, a Diamond Dog would yell out or stab him from behind.
Found it! Joe could see the ring’s spell in his mind. Every asset of its written word was his to rewrite. Joe concentrated and with a loud crack, the ring popped off. The metal band split into pieces and fell into the pit of blackness where they disintegrated.
“What are you doing!?” Ironhoof yelled out. Joe could see the bulging anger in the mad Unicorn’s eyes. “Stop him!” he commanded.
Two Diamond Dogs converged on Joe. They tried to scratch at Joe but their claws couldn't penetrate their suits. Without their natural weapons, the Dogs were weak. Joe effortless pinned one to the ground and bucked the other one over the railing. The screaming Dog plummeted to the blackness where his wails were cut off by disintegration. Joe looked up and saw that Ironhoof had not moved from his spot. He remained perfectly still, focusing on his incantation.
The pinned Dog rolled free and removed his helmet as well. He gnashed his sickly yellow fangs at Joe, ready to sink them deep into his flesh. But then the Dog cried out in pain. He scratched at his own face. Joe saw the Dog’s eyes turn green and smoked the purple darkness. The creature’s entire fur turned pitch black and with a sickening pop, the Diamond Dog was reduced to wisps of smoke leaving only an empty protection suit behind. Joe realized that the Diamond Dogs were extra sensitive to the darkness in the air.
Joe turned back to the giant crystal. No longer purple, it was now blacker than night. Joe could see his reflection on the surface. His eyes were green and his irises red. billows of purple haze crept from their sides. Tiny black crystals were growing from the sides of his horn. Joe realized he was becoming corrupted. It was that small portion of his body that welcomed the darkness to win. And he could feel it growing.
Joe hoped and hoped that the crystal, now without its protective ring, would collapse. But the crystal remained stable. Ironhoof laughed maniacally in triumph on the altar above. The spell was complete. The crystal was successfully charged before it hit its limit. If only Ironhoof had given it a little more.
And then it hit him. Joe stared into his own reflection; into his own evil eyes. And he remembered the words of the Diamond Dog in the decontamination room. ‘contamination level at ten percent.’ ‘contamination safely stored in horn.’ They never removed all the corruption from the swamp.
Joe closed his smoking eyes and concentrated on the darkness within him. He opened the door in his heart that was keeping the corruption locked away and allowed the Shadows to fill his horn. Joe’s horn glowed with the shadowy flames and bubbling blackness. Joe forced the power out his horn and concentrated directly into the crystal.
As Joe used the forbidden magic, he could feel it take hold of his mind. His blood ran cold as his heart froze over. Joe forced even more darkness into the crystal. More power. More power. More power than Joe had ever conjured before. With this power he could destroy the crystal. He could destroy Ironhoof. He could destroy any pony foolish enough to stand in his way and he could ultimately rule this pathetic land. No. He couldn't let the darkness win. He had to stay in control. As he poured the energy into the crystal he focused his mind on Sky Blazer, whose home was in trouble. He thought of MARE and Miss Raven and Strange Ways. He thought about Anavua’s sacrifice and Red Velvet’s pleading eyes and Sea Swirl’s alluring innocence.
As the magic ran out Joe nearly collapse onto the catwalk. He felt weak and tired. His reflection had changed. His horn was smooth and free of growths and his eyes were once again their normal shade of emerald. Joe smiled at himself in congratulations and then his reflection splintered. A large crack split across the crystal and then another on. Large cracks formed all around the pitch black obelisk.
“What’s going on!?” yelled out Ironhoof in a panic, “The crystal has absorbed too much energy! You fool! What have you done!?”
“Sorry, doctor.” Joe called out, “Did I break your toy?”
The crystal shattered into pieces as Ironhoof roared into the sky. The whole chamber started to rumble. The smaller black crystals that made up the walls shattered and fell. The remaining Diamond Dogs and ponies screamed in panic, trying to make for the exit. The terrified minions trampled over each other and some were pushed into the black pit
“No! My crystal!” Ironhoof cried in bewilderment. “Do you have any idea what you have done!? This entire island is going to explode!”
“Thanks for the warning, Ironhoof! I’ll leave you to that.”
Joe was about to turn for the exit but was stopped in his tracked by Ironhoof’s roars. “Con Mane! You’ll pay for this!” Ironhoof jumped off his perched and soared over Joe’s head. He landed flat on the scaffolding which caved beneath the weight of Ironhoof’s megaton forelegs. The walkways buckled and swayed and Joe held on to the railing for dear life. A large section of the scaffolding gave way and fell into the black pit taking much of the wall with it. The black pit was now wider than it was before. the catwalk Joe and Ironhoof stood on barely remained attached to the crystal wall. shards of black crystal rained from the ceiling as the chamber continued to shake.
Ironhoof’s eyes glistened with blood lust. Joe readied his body for what was about to come. Ironhoof leapt at Joe. Joe ducked underneath the attack and Ironhoof landed a punch on the floor which dented heavily. Joe then jumped on Ironhoof’s back and tried to wrangle him but was quickly bucked off. Ironhoof retaliated by firing a bolt of Shadow Magic which missed its mark. Joe charged at Ironhoof but he blocked the shot with one of his forelegs. Ironhoof smacked the prosthetic across Joe’s face sending him flying to the edge of the catwalk. Joe could feel the side of his face swell up as his feet dangled over the darkness.He managed to climb back up onto the surface but Ironhoof was edging towards him. The weight of the catwalk shifted and teetered with the combined weight. Ironhoof had Joe cornered against the edge. He leaned in close to Joe with a sadistic smile.
“It’s hopeless, Mr. Mane.” He sneered, “I am far more powerful a sorcerer than you could ever hope to be!”
“Maybe so.” Joe said, “But I’m a better baker than you. And every baker knows there’s more than one way to make bread.” Joe pointed his watch at Ironhoof’s robes and fired a laser beam. The robes caught fire and Ironhoof jumped in surprise. Joe took the opportunity provided by the distraction and clocked Ironhoof in the muzzle. Ironhoof lost his balance and Joe forced himself on the other side of the catwalk and bucked Ironhoof in his back knees. Ironhoof lost his hoofing and fell off the edge. However, he grabbed hold of the edge with his metal hooves. Iroonhoof struggled to lift himself high enough to climb up but his hooves were too heavy. The catwalk slowly started to bend under the weight. Ironhoof looked up at Joe with eyes pleading for mercy.
“Sorry, Ironhoof,” Joe said, “but the weight of your sins is just too great.” Wasting no time, Joe bolted towards the other end of the catwalk. The teetering slop made the other end high enough for Joe to jump to the altar. The force of Joe’s jump caused the scaffolding support to give way. The entire structure disconnected from the cavern wall an plummeted towards the black pit, Ironhoof at all. Ironhoof screamed out in agonizing torment as his body hit the liquid darkness. His body distorted and twisted around as it disintegrated into nothingness.The last thing that floated in the darkness before sinking was a single metal leg.
The chamber started to collapse. Great shards of crystal crashed into the pit. Joe galloped as fast as he could towards the door. Joe made it into the corridor. The entire facility was rumbling and collapsing. Joe rushed in a panic through the hallways, hoping to find Sea Swirl in the chaos. Diamond Dogs and ponies were running wild in a rampant panic. Diamond Dogs in particularly were trying to stuff as many rogue jewels into their pockets as they could.
Joe barged his way into the room were Sea Swirl and he were first held but she was nowhere to be seen. He hurried to the lobby. Sister Lilly was trying to gather a plethora of paper work. Joe ran up to her, knocked the papers out of her hooves and threatened her with a glowing horn.
“Please don’t hurt me! I've done nothing wrong!” She pleaded.
“Where is the Unicorn I came in with!?” Joe yelled violently, “Where is she!?”
With panic in her eyes, Lilly motioned for Joe to follow her. She took her to another fake wooden door and opened it before wasting no more time in heading for the exit. The door led into a small stone room with a pathway that slanted down and eventually into the sea water. Chained up on the slope was Sea Swirl. Her body was halfway submerged in water and her horn glowed brightly. Her eyes were closed, her face was calm and she was completely surrounded by menacing looking sea crabs with snapping pincers.
Joe ran to her, fearing the worst. Luckily she opened her eyes. The look on her face when she saw Joe was the most beautiful and sincere look Joe had ever seen. He magically undid her chain and she swiftly leaped up like a salmon and embraced Joe in a tight bear hug.
“Are you alright!?” Joe asked.
“Yes I’m fine.” She answered, “These crabs are harmless but I don't think they knew that. Plus I knew you would come to rescue me.”
Joe grabbed Sea Swirl’s hoof and they rushed to the exit.
They managed to make their outside the crumbling mine. they found themselves on a pier overlooking the water. The sky was clear and the sun shined brightly. The two of them both covered their ears to a loud explosion that erupted from the core of the mine. All around them, Diamond Dogs and ponies were jumping into the deep freezing waters in hopes of saving themselves.
“Sea Swirl you need to go!” He commanded.
Sea Swirl pushed the boat a good mile away from the island in what would otherwise be an impossible time. Joe felt that she had done in enough and pulled her into the boat with him. A blinding flash and a thunderous roar rocked the sea. The lifeboat was lifted high into the air by a great wave. They both used their magic to keep the lifeboat from tipping. Both Joe and Sea Swirl stared out into the distance at the pillar of smoke that was once Cockatrice Key.
“I suppose that’s the end of that.” Sea Swirl said although it sounded like she wasn't even sure what she was talking about. Joe pitied the filly for the trauma she must have went through. He put a comforting hoof around her shoulder.
“Yeah,” he said to her, “don’t worry. It’s over now.”
Sea Swirl nestled herself into his body. “Thank goodness. But now what?” she asked, “What do we do drifting alone out in the middle of the ocean?
“Well I can think of a few things.” Joe looked into Sea Swirl’s rosy eyes. She smiled coyly and gave in to the pleasure. She rested on her back and Joe leaned in, locking his lips with her’s. She purred as she wrapped her hooves around his body.
The blaring honk of a loud foghorn made both ponies jump out of their dream like embrace. Sea Swirl blushed and rolled up like a scared hedgehog while Joe scanned the horizon. From the direction of Janeighca, Joe spotted a large metal ship packed to the brim with cannons cruising towards the lifeboat. On the side of the ship’s hull was the royal emblem of the New Lunar Republic and the name ‘LSS Generosity’.
“Ahoy, Mr. Mane! Ahoy, Mr. Mane!” yelled out a familiar voice over megaphone. On the tip of the ship’s bow, Joe could make out the figure of a dark grey Pegasus with a fiery red Mane.
When the ship drew into earshot, Joe yelled out, “Why, hello there! Say, do you need help?” Joe smiled cheekily and Sky Blazer shook his head in amusement.
“Well I can clearly see that you don’t.” He said, eyeing the demure mare with the beet red faced that was curled up in his boat. “Levitate me your line.”
Joe used his magic and tossed one end of the mooring rope to Sky. Sky tied the rope tightly to the stern of the battle cruiser and motioned the Lunar Soldiers to turn around. the battle cruiser took off and the rope uncurled until there was no more slack.
Underneath the apple tree me pony and me Under Luna’s moon Underneath the apple tree, me pony and me Will be married soon
Underneath the moonlit sky, me pony and I Come sit hoof in hoof Underneath the moonlit sky, me pony and I Dream of building a roof.
Apples and rainbows and butterflies Gemstones and parties and starry skies When we get married we make and grow Nine little fillies in a row
Underneath the apple tree...
Agent Con Mane will return in…
A dark grey hoof picked up the ringing phone and placed it to his ear. “Yes, It’s me… Yes the shield is perfectly safe… That’s correct the island along with Doctor Ironhoof were completely destroyed… No, it wasn't us… Yes we have your sister to thank for that. It was her idea… No, ma’am, as far as he’s concerned he’s back to retirement… Yes, I understand, ma’am… Ironhoof was just a minnow hiding in a school of sharks. The rest of DISCORD will have to be dealt with… Yes, ma’am I’ll keep close tabs on him. His role isn't over yet… Yes… Yes ma’am… Thank you, ma’am… Goodbye, Your Highness.”
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Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Sneak Peak of "Mission to the Griffon Kingdom"
It was a bright and beautiful day. Roseluck could hear the birds singing outside the window of her tiny work room. She finished filing away the last document of the day then stretched her back as she raised herself from her chair. She checked herself in the mirror before leaving the room. She straightened her scarlet mane so it wouldn't stick to her forehead and applied a little extra makeup to her cheeks. She winked at herself and walked out of her workroom carrying the report of all the work she did that day. She gave the report to the Griffon at the lobby and walked outside to the cobblestone streets of Griffon Nest Community no. 7. The other ponies that worked in the archives with her said farewell as they trotted off to their designated living quarters before curfew hit.
Roseluck looked up at the sky. The Great Storm Cloud seemed thinner than usual. The billowing grey roof above her stretched outward as far she could see. However today, she could make out a tiny orb of intense light almost poking through the cloud barrier.
“Celestia is really trying her hardest today.” Roseluck said casually to herself. She caught her mistake and shrank back in fear. She looked around the street. Luckily none of the nearby Griffons heard her. The last thing she needed today was to spend time in correctional.
Roseluck walked in the opposite direction of her quarters. During work that day, she received an unmarked letter from her chief specifically for her. She read the message and it told her to go to the abandoned motel after work hours and to come alone. It had no signature but was stamped with the crest of Skyclaw. She arrived at the hotel and found the room number designated by the message. She knocked and was half expecting to be left out alone. No one had occupied the building for generations as it was closed down after the annexation. But then she heard a voice from the other side of the door.
“Who is it?” The voice was female and spoke in a Griffyk Accent.
“I am Roseluck, milady. Earth Pony, worker class. ID Number 23145. Currently assigned to Griffon Archives.”
“Come in!” The voice ordered. Roseluck pushed against the door and it slowly creaked opened to a dark, dusty room. All the furniture was gone save for a simple desk behind which sat a female Griffon wearing a military uniform. On her beak she wore a pair of massive, round reading glasses. Roseluck carefully trotted inside and closed the door behind her. She was frighteningly aware of every noise she made.
“Do you know who I am?” The Griffon asked. She didn't look up from the paperwork in front of her.
“General Griselda.” Roseluck answered obediently, “Head of Operations for Skyclaw. I saw you one when I was brought in for duty from the internment camps.”
“Did you tell anyone from the archives that you were coming here?”
“No. The message said--”
“Yes, yes, I know. I sent it” Griselda closed the file she was looking at and looked up at Rose. The glasses on her beak magnified her eyes so much she looked like an owl. Roseluck felt the urge to giggle at how silly it looked, but her fear and conditioning kept her in check. Griselda removed her glasses and stared at Rose with her piercing Griffon eyes. “Your work record is excellent. The aerie is proud of you.”
“Thank you, Milady.” Rose stayed polite, but emotionless. It was the proper way to speak to a honorably ranked Griffon.
“Now flip your mane.” The order was so stately sounding that Rose dropped her guard. She stared at the General with complete confusion. “Do it!” The General barked. Rose was hesitant. She thought maybe it was a trap and she would get in trouble for breaking protocol. Eventually she obeyed and flipped her medium length mane to the other side of her shoulder. It felt uncomfortably wrong. “Now turn around.” Rose did as she was told and spun around in a circle. “Pose for me!” the General continued, “flaunt your plot!”
Rose’s cheeks burned red. “Why are you making me…?”
The General ignored Rose’s behavior. She came out from behind her desk and was circling Rose. Rose could feel the General’s piercing eyes examining every inch of her demure frame. “You are rather pretty,” Griselda mused, “for a pony. It says here you once trained for the ballet?.” So referred to the file that sat on her desk.
“Well, yes,” Rose clarified, “But then I grew an inch over regulation height and so…”
“And then you have had three lovers.”
Roseluck had had enough. She felt fur-less and exposed. “Why are you asking me such intimate questions!?”
General Griselda ruffled her feathers in anger and whipped her lion tail at Rose’s hooves. Rose jumped as the resounding crack and was immediately regretful. “You are not here to ask questions! You forget to whom you are speaking?”
Rose bowed her head in shame to her master. “I am sorry, Milady! I… I was in love.”
Griselda returned to her her stone cold calmness. “And if you were not in love?”
“Well I suppose that would depend on the stallion.”
“Sensible answer.” Griselda said. She grabbed a small photograph from her desk and showed it to Roseluck. “This stallion for instance.”
Rose looked at the photo. It was black and white and so some details were hard to make out. A beefy stallion in a white apron stood proudly in front of a shiny new diner on a street corner. His hair was messy and his muzzle was a bit too round but his smile and eyes were very charming. His cutie mark looked to be a donut. “I cannot tell.” Rose answered, “Perhaps if her were kind and good towards me.”
“Proper.” General Griselda marched across the room around Roseluck. “I have selected you for a most important assignment. It’s purpose is to give false information to the enemy. If you complete it successfully, you will be promoted to Recognized Pony Class. From now on you will do anything he says!”
Roseluck could feel the weight of the Great Storm Cloud pressing against her. “And if I refuse?” she asked.
Griselda turned and galred at her with deadly seriousness. “Then you will not leave this room alive.” Roseluck’s pale yellow face turned as white as paper. She regretted coming to the hotel. How she wished she could go back in time and choose to walk to her quarters instead. She looked to the door but knew she wouldn't be able to escape the mighty speed of a Griffon.
“I will obey your orders.” she said meekly.
“Good! These are your instructions: You are to report to me here, but none of the other Griffons or inferior classes are to know i am here in the Nest. This is classified far beyond their level.”
“I will tell nopo-… no one.”
“If you do, you will be killed.” This last statement was punctuated with another whip of the General’s tail. Her feathers prickled and her talons flared. Rose nearly broke down. Her knees buckled in fear and she fought against the tears that were forming in her eyes. Griselda took notice of the pony’s condition. She calmed herself and smiled at the young mare. She put one of her talons around her shoulder and lifted her frightened head up with the other. The Griffon’s lion tail caressed Rose’s, lovingly. “Come, come my dear.” the General spoke softly, “You must be honored that you have been chosen for such a simple, delightful duty. A real ‘Labor of Love’ as they say.” Roseluck shut her eyes tight while Griselda caressed her scarlet mane and laughed the falsest of laughs.
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 1: And That's the Game (Old)
AGENT CON MANE
“And that, my dear gentlecolts, I believe is the game.”
The Earth Pony slammed his hoof onto the table to reveal an impressive three aces. Faced with their inevitable, yet still sour defeat, the other ponies at the table allowed their cards to fumble from their hooves onto the table. The dark green coated Earth Pony with the disheveled pepper-grey mane looked particularly none too pleased about losing yet even more bits to the upstart.
“Got me again, Strange Ways. I swear to Celestia, one of these days I’ll get you at cards yet.”
Strange Ways chuckled to himself as the white Pegasus in the golden armor beside him gathered up and shuffled the cards for another game- even though Strange’s other companion didn't look all too interested. Strange Ways glanced at his watch to check the time and then rose to his hooves.
“Ah, look at the time. I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I must go. You know how it is. Order a round of cupcakes for me will you, Professor?”
The green coated pony waved his hoof with a disinterested grunt as Strange Ways shook the hoof of the soldier.
“Must you break off at this time every evening?” asked the Pegasus.
“Sorry, Chief,” Strange Ways replied, “the office puts in a call for me everyday around this time.”
The professor scoffed, “Just hurry back before the cards get cold.” He looked to already be in a much better mood. Strange Ways noticed this, and he could see the gears turning in his opponent's head.
“Twenty minutes,” Strange Ways assured the card shark, “and don’t try any dirty tricks while I’m away.”
With a smile on his muzzle left by those successful last words to his opponent, Strange Ways trotted out of the clubhouse. He put on a pair of sunglasses while he made a mental note of the beautiful weather. The sun shone brilliantly down upon the bleach white sands of the village. A high breeze rustled the palm trees and coolly embraced Strange Ways’ coat. His home was only a minute or two down the road, so he didn't mind the walk. Perhaps, he thought, that was why he enjoyed this little island so much. Everything was in walking distance and there was never any need for a gallop. As he continued down the road towards his house, an Earth Pony was walking in the opposite direction. Strange Ways took note of the pony. His mane and coat were horribly ragged. He wore very dark sunglasses that reflected the harsh sunlight, and his gait was slow and cautious. Tied around the poor fellow’s neck was a small, battered old tin cup. A few bits in the cup jingled with each step. Strange Ways pitied the poor bloke.
Wanting to fuel his own serendipity, Strange Ways hoofed a few bits he had won from the professor from his saddlebag. The blind pony either heard Strange Ways’ approach or had smelt the all too familiar scent of gold bits. With a charming smile, the blind pony stooped.
“Ah, good evening!” Strange Ways initiated the conversation. “Fine day today isn't it?”
The blind pony smiled even bigger and brighter. “Spare a bit for the blind?”
Strange Ways, already prepared, dropped three bits into the tin cup. The echoing ring of the clang of the gold had a solid and heavy quality.
“There we go!” Strange Ways could barely contain his feeling of self worth. “Have a good day!”
In instinct, Strange Ways held out his hoof for a shake but withdrew it once he caught himself. The blind pony gave a small, friendly nod and continued trotting on his way. Strange Ways continued his walk as well. After taking only a few steps he stopped and looked upwards towards the sky and gave the sun an affirming nod. Before the stallion could take another step, he felt a heavy force bump into him from behind and almost sent him to the cement. Strange Ways could not look behind to see just what had bumped into him as he was far too distracted by the knife that was now sticking out of his side just under his right foreleg. A striking pain and chilling numbness enveloped Strange Ways’ entire body and he buckled to his knees. As he fell, the hoof holding the knife in place twisted the blade. A stream of blood trickled out of the wound, and Strange Ways’ vision became doubled and blurred. He couldn't breathe. Each breath he took ground the blade against his bone. He tried to yell for help but the only thing to escape his lips was a sputter of blood. The pony tried to turn to see the face of his attacker, but his body would not obey. His eyes saw nothing but white. Strange Ways' body collapsed onto the sun drenched, yet cold pavement below and was swallowed by darkness. Strange Ways was dead.
The blind pony looked down and smiled as he stared at Strange Ways’ body, satisfied with his work. The blood drenched knife strapped to his hoof glistened in the sun. He found the bright red color striking and amusing. In the distance he heard the unmistakable sound of hooves galloping on the stone path accompanied by the rickety squeaks of a wheeled carriage. The pony pulling the carriage stopped in front of the dead body and then stared at the pony that stood above it with the bloodied knife,
“Is he dead?” asked the carriage driver. The killer continued to wear his bright smile. “Good. Hurry, hurry! Get him into the back of the hearse!”
The not-so-blind pony followed his comrade's orders and picked up Strange Ways’ body, and dragged him to the back of the hearse. He opened the doors, and chucked the heavy sack of meat into the wagon.
“Quickly!” The hearse driver barked at the other pony, “Get in before somepony sees us!”
The killer climbed in with the body and quickly closed the doors. “Hoof on it!” he yelled once he was inside the hearse.
The driver reared back and then galloped off away from the crime scene.
“Strange Ways must be running late.” The Secretariat paced across the rug on the floor stricken with boredom. She didn't mind her boss being late; he had done it before. Whenever he was late, however, the office would always raise uncomfortable questions that she would be forced to answer. A few times she was able to get away with covering up Strange Ways’ escapades but a stallion can only suffer from the runs so many times. “I’d better make that report. Those ponies at Canterlot are sticklers for routine.”
The Secretariat walked over towards the bookcase in the corner of the room. The sunlight that beamed through the window on the wall opposite the bookcase created a strong glare that emphasized the dust that had collected on the books. She grabbed one of the dusty books, but when she pulled the book did not come off the shelf. Instead, the bookshelf-- books and all-- was removed from the rest of the bookcase, flat as a board. Behind the fake bookshelf sat a transmitter. She flipped a dial on the transmitter and the small needles flickered about and a reel of tape spun with a constant hum. The Secretariat placed the pair of headphones that sat on the nearby table over her ears, and fiddled with one of the small knobs.
She spoke into the microphone next to the transmitter, “W6N. W6N. This is Janeighca calling Canterlot. How do you hear me? Over.”
“This is Canterlot. We are receiving you.” The voice on the other end of the line was clear, despite the distortion from the simplicity of the old headphones.
“This is Janeighca. Stand by to Transmit. Out.”
The Secretariat put the transmitter on hold. She knew it wouldn't take long for the ponies on the other end to grow impatient. She was already preparing herself for another session of angry questions and lectures about proper protocol.
As she sat ruminating on things to come, she noticed something in the corner of her eye. The glare on the bookshelf seemed to have flickered, if just for a moment. She looked outside the window, half expecting to see Strange Ways attempting to enter the window to avoid any scrutiny. However, the only thing outside was the usual, overgrown bush dancing elegantly in the breeze. She sighed and decided to return to her slightly more amusing pastime of pacing across the floor but was stopped by the silhouette of a large pony standing in the sunlight of the open door.
“Strange Ways is that you?" she approached the figure. "‘bout time you show up. Canterlot is on hold and...”
As she drew closer she saw the wicked smile and sinister eyes of a pony who wasn't Strange Ways. Before the Secretariat could utter a syllable, the window behind her shattered with a thunderous clash! She pivoted around and saw what was standing in the window. It was a snarling creature with sickly, matted fur and mangy claws. The Secretariat let out an ear piercing scream and the creature drew back in pain. However, the scream was silenced as the intruder in the doorway stabbed an already bloodied knife into the back of her neck.
As the creature in the window prepared to dispose of the corpse, the pony trotted slowly to the nearby desk and hoofed a plain manila folder. He sneered as he read the title of the file: DOCTOR IRONHOOF.
The intruders quietly left the scene, leaving the body behind. He never noticed the transmitter still broadcasting in the corner of the room.
The Canterlot Control Tower was brimming with the usual activity. The room was a torrent of ponies talking nonstop over the clicking and ticking and tattering of machines. Rows of desks lined the room in columns; the walkways between them littered with discarded papers that were dropped by frantic interns. At each desk sat a pony and in front of a each pony was a radio transceiver that ticked and clattered away. Each of these ponies wore a pair of headphones and spoke clearly and calmly into the microphones in front of them, sending their signals out into intelligence stations hidden in every major Equestrian state. The grand majority of these transmissions were routine-- monotonous reports usually involving the movements of the Griffons, false Changeling sightings or even just comparing the economic and political standpoints between Equestria and their neighboring nation of the New Lunar Republic.
One of these ponies at one of these stations, however, was a bit more frantic than the rest of his colleagues.
“Canterlot calling Janeighca. Report my signals. Over.” The pony adjusted the frequency modulators on the transceiver in worried confusion. “Hello, Janeighca? Over.”
No matter how many times he tried, there was no reply. He could hear the static room tone and even the chirping of songbirds on the other end of the line. The connection was good, but there was just nopony there. The colt saw the intelligence officer in charge heading towards him and politely removed his headphones.
The relay pony said, “Excuse me, sir?”
“Yes, what is it?” replied the Officer.
“We seem to have a problem, sir. It’s Janeighca. Well they phoned in for their routine report but then nothing.
“Transmission cut off?”
“No, just voice. Carrier Wave is still connected.” The relay pony fiddles with more knobs
The intelligence officer asked, “Have you tried both emergency frequencies?”
“Yes, sir. No response on either. I’m still calling.”
“Right then, keep trying. I’ll get a hold of Princess Celestia.”
The colt put his earphones back on and continued to make futile attempts at communication while the intelligence officer marched back to his desk. On his desk sat a nondescript black telephone. The officer thought back to the last time he had to pick up that phone. It was when the Griffons broke international law and amassed soldiers within a mile of the Equestrian border. He prayed that this time it would not be so serious. He picked up the receiver and placed it to his ear. Within seconds there was an answer on the other end.
“Hello?” The Officer spoke firmly into the phone. “Yes, it's me. We have a situation. Get me in touch with MARE. We need Mane6.”
Agent Con Mane in Doctor Ironhoof (Under Revision)
Chapter 12: The Fur-Lined Prison
“Evil eyes glowing yellow! I think you have awoken the sleepy fellow.”
Joe bolted out of the cave with unbelievable speed. The ground shook with each step the Dragon took towards the mouth of the cave. Its glowing eyes grew wider and fiercer. Sea Swirl had retreated behind one of the turned over mine carts. The elongated head of the beast emerged from the darkness. The rising moon illuminated foggy grey scales. The monster’s joint creaked and ached with each step. The beast was wingless and rows of twisted, broken iron lined its back. The tail was short and spiked at the end and swung with powerful, hydraulic might. As it reared its metal head, a stream of steam screamed from the joints in its neck. The yellow lights of its eyes flickered from behind glass lenses.
“Now, Captain, do you see?” said Anavua stricken with terror, “If that is not a Dragon then what else could it be?”
“A robot.” Joe answered, though he could hardly believe it himself, “A frickin Dragon robot.”
The robot opened it’s metal jaws and the tell-tale swirls of leaking gases filled the air. Joe grabbed Anavua, still as a mannequin, and threw him to the ground behind the mine cart where Sea Swirl peered beyond in awe. The dark quarry was ablaze with an orange light as the Dragon robot scorched the earth where the ponies once stood. The beast roared in the air, or merely revved its engine, and scanned the quarry for its prey.
“Well it certainly breathes fire like a Dragon.” Sea Swirl pointed out.
Joe risked a peek over the cart. The robot was small for a dragon, about only the size of a single story building. Much of its metal coating was heavily dented or even rusted. Its movements were slow and rigid. “We’ll have to defeat it in order to get inside.”
Anavua gripped Joe’s shirt. “You have finally lost your mind, Captain! One does not simply slay a Dragon!”
Joe slapped Anavua off of him and gave the manic Zebra a stern glance. He grabbed Anavua in turn and forced him to look out towards the monstrous machine. “It aint a real Dragon! It’s just a machine! Which means all we have to do is break it. Look at it’s back. see that loose panel? If I can get onto it’s back I can do it but I need a distraction. Can you do it?”
Anavua’s eyes were as white as death. He looked at Joe as if he were stranger or a pony who spoke a different language. The robot groaned again. Joe could tell that the machine was growing impatient. He knew it was only a matter of time until it found them. Joe attempted to keep his breathing regular but the choking lump in his throat made it difficult. Anavua took notice of this. He blinked in bewilderment. He could not believe that this stallion, to whom killing another pony was as easy as catching fish, was just as scared as any of them. Anavua inhaled the solace. “A Zebra’s aid you can always trust.” He said with conviction. “I’ll have this Dragon eating my dust!”
Anavua leaped over the mine cart. In full gallop he rushed towards the mechanical behemoth. The robot caught him in its luminescent gaze and creaked with delight. Anavua picked up a nearby gem shard and chucked at the beast’s face. The mere pebble of a stone harmlessly bounced off the metal chassis. “Look over here you overgrown cooking pot!” he yelled at the top of his lungs, “Why don’t you give me your best shot!?” The dragon prepared another artificial fire-breath. As the ball of flames erupted into the air, Anavua took to the dirt and dodged the inferno. He could smell the acrid scent of singed fur. “Is that the best you can do? Me grandma has worse breath than you!” Anavua took a wide turn across the quarry. The Dragon craned its neck to try and follow him but it was soon forced to move its rigid legs to keep him in its sight. As the monster turned its back to Joe and Sea Swirl, Joe couldn't help but smile with confidence.
Sea Swirl tried to stick out her hoof in silent protest but it was too late. Joe had left the sanctity of the mine cart and was rushing towards the Dragon. Anavua had become completely obscured by the rest of the dragon. Joe could still hear his rhythmic taunts. The Dragon breathed another wall of fire and Joe nearly stumbled as his heart skipped a beat. Thankfully after the flames subsided Anavua’s insulting couplets still continued. The machine was clearly getting frustrated. It groaned and wretched more violently than ever. Its spiked tail whipped to the side with unexpected agility and would have easily impaled Joe had he not dove to the earth. The tail whipped back around and this time Joe leaped into the air and this time he grabbed onto it. He clung tightly to the rough metal surface and concentrated on maintaining his grip. Joe waited until the tail was relatively still once more and scaled his way up using the metal plates as hoof hold.Even as he reached the broader portion of the robot body, he found it difficult to keep hold of the smoother portions of metal.
Joe eventually reached the highest arc of the Dragon’s back. From the height he could once again clearly see Anavua dodging the Dragon which had given up on trying to roast the moving target and was now trying to catch him in its metal jaws. Anavua had managed to bait the Dragon to the other end of the Quarry. A tall impassable rock face bordered the perimeter of the quarry and Joe knew that Anavua would soon run out of room to run. Joe quickly charged his horn and surrounded the panel that covered the control box for the robot. He violently ripped the panel off and revealed a hodgepodge of wires and boxes and switches and meters. Joe could not focus on any one part for long due to the constant swaying of the Dragon.
Anavua continued to taunt and yell. He had succumbed to an adrenaline fueled laughter. Anavua danced around the snapping jaws of the Dragon and in his confidence he neglected to see where he was going. Anavua tripped on a rock and collided with the stone wall. He was at the edge of the quarry. Large rocks surrounded him on both sides. With nowhere left to go, Anavua stared up towards the looming monster. The Dragon opened its jaws and released the flammable gases within. Both Joe and Anavua watched, paralyzed by horror. Joe attempted to call out to Anavua but it was too late. His cries were deafened by the roaring flames that engulfed Anavua’s body. The sizzling flames lingered longer than usual. When they subsided, Joe looked down at the blackened land below. There sprawled in the center of the blackened glass, was the unrecognizable burning corpse of Anavua.
Joe could make out the sobbing scream of Sea Swirl . At least he thought it was Sea Swirl. It could easily have been his own cries of disbelief or even the Dragon robot reveling in its triumph. Joe could not tell nor did he care. His horn burned with blinding intensity. His gaze focused on the web of wires and gears inside the open hatch. It was a black heart devoid of soul and emotion and friendship-- qualities that Anavua possessed in great quantities. But such an absence of heart also carried with it an absence of blame. The Dragon was a machine. It was nothing more than a tool or weapon. No, Joe’s burning rage was not directed at the machine but at the pony who drove Anavua to this isle of death. The pony whose own selfish aims had caused him the life of yet another friend. His horn burned brighter. His usual casual green magical aura had become as red as a Dragon’s flame.
Smoke rose from the control hatch. The plastic covering the wires melted and the black boxes sizzled and popped. Blinding sparks erupted from the exposed mechanisms and flames swirled around the black gears. Joe used his magic to turn the insides of the Dragon into an oven. He was a master baker. His control over temperature was second to none. He knew at which point a donut stopped being a donut and was instead an inedible black ring. So he knew exactly which limits to pass. The heat emanated to the outer chassis and made contact with Joe’s bare hooves but he paid it no mind. He baked the Dragon hotter and hotter until the robot roared in agonizing pain. More accurately, it was the mechanical joints within the robot failing that was making the horrible noises but Joe didn't pay that any mind either. He needed the Dragon to suffer-- he needed something else besides him-- to suffer.
Black smoke billowed out of the Dragon as it crashed into the cold dirt below. Sea Swirl had to blind her eyes from the cloud of dust that had erupted. When she could see again, she saw Con Mane limping towards her. She instinctively ran out and caught him in her hooves. She held him close like a mother gorilla would her child. She glanced to the edge of the quarry at Anavua’s blackened body. she couldn’t handle the sight and shut her eyes to all of reality and wept.
Joe coughed and sputtered. Smoke stung his lungs and his hooves ached with light burns. He wrestled out of Sea Swirl’s grasp and wobbled to his feat. Tall flames now roared from the Dragon’s broken body and the quarry was alight in an orange glow.
Joe embraced Sea Swirl and tried to get her to settle down. Already the red adrenaline was fading from his own eyes. The tranquility was upsetting. The quarry had grown silent and peaceful and Joe felt strangely angry at it for this. He almost felt as though the rocks themselves should be weeping just like Sea Swirl. He closed his eyes and tried to force his mind back to the reality at hoof. Joe fell back to his training-- the emotional detachment that Mane6 had drilled into his head ever since he was a colt. An agent is not supposed to care. Agents do not take revenge and they do not make things personal. Joe had seen death on a countless scale. He had even seen civilians caught in the crossfire before. But for some reason. This felt different.
“What are these things?” Sea Swirl screamed.
“But why are they wearing such strange clothing?”
“Quit talking, pony!” The Diamond Dogs held long spears that they poked and jutted at the ponies. Joe sat on his haunches and raised his forelegs, motioning Sea Swirl to do the same. Once he was satisfied the Diamond Dog in charge said, “Get inside! Quickly!”
“I surrender,” Joe said, “but let the filly go. She ain't got anything to do with this.”
“No!” The Diamond Dog didn't even consider Joe’s words. “Both ponies will come!”
“I’m sorry, Sea Swirl.”
“No, Con,” she said, “I am sorry.”
“Move ponies!” The Dog said impatiently. Joe and Sea Swirl were led by the Dogs into the mouth of the Dragons cave and were forced through a large lead door in the back.
“Stand here!” The leader ordered. He then addressed his colleague. “Ponies were found in swamp. Contaminated with Dark Magic. Begin decontamination!”
“What does that mean?” Sea Swirl asked in confusion.
Joe’s face was serious and stern. “Long term exposure to Shadow Magic corrupts the heart.“ He explained. “That’s especially true of us Unicorns. Legends tell of an ancient evil king who was fully corrupted by it. Don’t worry. It looks like they’re going to remove the darkness from our bodies.”
A large machine descended from the ceiling. It’s end thinned into a sharp needle. It looked like some sort of torture device or something that would be used in a dentist’s office.
“Begin decontamination” ordered a Diamond Dog with a clipboard. By the sound of the voice, Joe could tell that this particular Dog was a female. He had never seen a Diamond Dog bitch before and very curious about what she looked like under the suit.
“Do the filly first!” Joe demanded. Sea Swirl looked at him utterly appalled. “You've been to this island many times. You’re probably more contaminated than I am. Please. Heal her first.” The Diamond Dogs at first grew tense at the prospect of being ordered by a pony prisoner, but a few head nods between them showed their compliance. The needle edged towards Sea Swirl. Joe saw the terror in her eyes and knew her animalistic reflexes were telling her to run. “Sea Swirl, whatever you do stay still. Don’t move a muscle. Don’t worry, It’ll be over soon.”
“Will it hurt?” she asked.
“I’m sorry. I’m afraid I don’t know.”
Sea Swirl was a dear caught in a carriage’s lamp light. She braced herself as best as she could as the needle penetrated the tip of her horn. She shut her eyes tightly. Unicorn horns didn't possess any nerve cells or blood vessels at least until the base. Joe wondered how deep the needle went.
The dreaded decontamination machine activated with a buzz. Sea Swirl started to squirm and whimper. Tears fell from her eyes as she began to scream in pain. Energy started to form from her horn, however it was not the typical flow of Unicorn magic. Shadowy tendrils wrapped around her horn and it bubbled with sickening purples and greens. A deep purple mist emanated from the corners of her eyes. She opened them wide and her whites were now a neon green and her irises were blood red. She continued to scream, unable to move from the spot. The black tendrils ran across her horn and were sucked into the machine. The needle kept draining energy and Sea Swirl kept screaming. Her eyes returned to normal. The purple mist and green and red eyes were replaced with her normal eyes.The black tendrils vanished from her horn.
“Checking contamination levels.” The bitch said as she walked over to a monitor that sat on the other side of the room. “Corruption at zero percent.”
The needle slid out of Sea Swirl’s horn and she collapsed to the floor. She was clearly shaken but overall looked unharmed. The needle device turned to Joe. He knew he was next. He braced himself as the needle drew near. He felt the needle penetrate the tip of his horn and winced when the tip barely punctured the horn’s base. The machine hummed once again and Joe felt the needle suck from within him. His temples pounded. The magical nerves within his brain were being forcefully activated. A sudden rush of magical energy exploded from within. The pain inside burned hotter than any Dragonfire he had ever felt. Griffons clawed at his brain while a pair of Manticores stung his temples repeatedly with their tails. The swirling, bubbling black aura surrounded Joe’s horn. His eyes became green and red and cried purple mist. The needle sucked harder and harder until Joe thought his head was going to cave in from the pain. And then it stopped. The needle effortlessly exited his horn. Joe fought against the urges to throw up and faint.
“Checking contamination levels.” said the bitch. “Corruption at ten percent. Remaining shadow contamination located in horn. zero likeliness of heart corruption. Levels acceptable. Move them to the prison.”
Joe and Sea Swirl barely had time to recuperate from their ordeal before the Diamond Dogs once again prodded at their backs with spears. They pair were led through another large circular lead door. As the doors opened, Joe expected to find the hellish entrails of a gemstone mine. But instead of rough caverns supported by ancient wooden beams, they entered what appeared to be the lobby of a fancy hotel or resort spa. The ceiling, walls and even carpet were fully furnished. It was nearly impossible to believe that they were really underground. Standing in front of the reception desk was a pony mare dressed in a formal outfit and her mane tied in a bun.
“Greetings,” she said in a voice so sweet it was sickening, “I am Sister Lilly. I’m here to make your visit as pleasant as possible.” Her smile was far too nice to the point where it had far left the realms of unbelievable and had become ludicrous. Joe noticed that the Diamond Dogs that captured them had long gone. The lead door behind them was shut tight with no clear way of opening it. “The Doctor has been expecting you! We only got word of your arrival last night, however your rooms are already prepared. If you would follow me please.” Sister Lilly daintily pranced down a corridor lined with beautifully furnished wooden doors. Lost in a haze of pain and unrecognizable emotion, Joe and Sea Swirl obediently followed. “The Doctor would like to have dinner with you tomorrow.” She continued as they trotted. “He would be delighted if you join him.”
“Tell him I feel likewise.” Joe said. He tried to picture this doctor in his mind. Thanks to the lovely wallpaper adorning the corridor, Joe couldn't help but picture a well dressed stallion in a pristine, white coat and minty smile. The prospect was borderline comical.
Lilly stopped in front of one of the wooden doors. She placed a hoof on the nearby panel and revealed that the wooden surface was a facade. The door slid to the side with a mechanical grinding. Lilly gestured the pair inside. “This is your room, Mr. Mane.” The interior of the room was one of the most luxurious accommodations Joe had ever seen. The beds, couches, the chinaware and the table on which it sat were all manufactured by the most expensive and high quality brands. Even the plush carpeting worked to lull away the pain of walking and burns on Joe’s hooves. Lilly walked over to the far wall which was made out of fogged glass. She slid the glass aside to reveal an identical room next door. “Miss Swirl will find her room through here.” With each item she showcased, Lilly waved her hoof and crocked her head with a sickening smile. “Complimentary coffee and donuts are on the table there. If there is anything else you need, feel free to let us know.”
“How about two tickets to Canterlot?” Joe scoffed. Lilly merely giggled with delight and walked out the doorway. The door closed on her and Joe noticed that the interior of the door had no wooden facade, just a bare red metal surface. There was also no control mechanism to open it. “Yeah, I figured.” Joe mumbled to nopony.
Sea Swirl was already at the door trying everything she could to open it. Even her horn proved ineffective. “The door won’t open will it?” She cried.
“And there are no windows.” Joe responded, “We are probably deep underground by now.”
Sea Swirl sat on her haunches and hung her head low. “So this is a prison...”
“Fur lined with first class service but yes. Well we better have some donuts.” Joe made himself comfortable on the plushly upholstered Davenport Designs love seat and poured himself some coffee.
“How can you eat at a time like this!?” Sea Swirl asked.
“Because I’m hungry.” he answered before taking a bite of a chocolate donut. “And we don’t know when we’ll get a chance to eat again.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Sea Swirl surrendered and joined Joe on the love seat. Joe levitated a freshly poured cup to her.
“Now here. Drink some coffee. It’s probably about time for breakfast anyway.” Joe and Sea Swirl sat in silence for several moments, Sea Swirl refused all offers of donuts but continued to sip the coffee. “I wonder how long we’ll have to wait before we meet our host?” Joe pondered mostly to himself.
“I don’t care.” Sea Swirl answered. All signs of life had left her voice. “I just want to get out of here as soon as possible.”
Joe looked over to the poor mare sitting beside him. He noticed the puffiness of eyes that had been crying too much and had been devoid of proper rest. As Sea Swirl fiddled with her coffee cup in her hooves, Joe couldn't help but see another unfortunate soul that he had ruined because they got caught up in his stupid life. “I’ll save you Sea Swirl.” said Joe. “That I promise.” Sea Swirl’s eyes were half closed. He realized how much a warm cup of coffee and a comfy couch invited sleep. He felt his exhaustion catching up to him as well. Sea Swirl placed her hoof on her temple and started to groan in agony. She then rubbed her stomach. Joe grew concerned. “What’s the matter?” he said.
Sea Swirl started to wobble in her seat. “I don’t know. I feel so…” The coffee cup fell from Sea Swirl’s hooves and she collapsed into Joe. Her head rested against his shoulder as she fell completely unconscious. The room started to spin. A maelstrom erupted in Joe’s stomach. He tried to stay focused but reality itself escaped him. Joe looked down at his own cup and focused on the swirling blacks and browns within.
“Blasted coffee!” Joe yelled as he chucked the expensive cup across the room. It shattered upon impact with the wall. Joe got off the couch and desperately tried to trot forward. Where he was headed or what he was trying to accomplish not even he knew. However, he didn't make it far. His knees buckled under him and he reached out towards the table for support. Unfortunately he grabbed the tray holding the china set which slipped under his weight. The china fell to the ground with a roaring clatter. Joe collapsed as well and he watched as the whole room was engulfed in darkness.
