THEY Will Never Find Me...

by GeneralLiberator

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Comedy, Random, Crossover
Length: 8034

The Mad Hermit of the Brecilian Forest comes to Ponyville. An extreme case of paranoia ensues.

After his meeting with the Warden, the Mad Hermit decides that the Brecilian Forest is no longer safe. In another desperate bid to escape from them, he does the most logical thing possible:

Teleporting himself to an entirely new world.

After all, surely they would never think to look in a world full of colorful talking ponies…right?

NOTE: No knowledge of the game is required to enjoy this story.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic belongs to Hasbro.
Dragon Age: Origins belongs to BioWare and Electronic Arts.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-13 11:39:33 UTC

Ask A Question, Get A Question...

Twilight Sparkle gleefully trotted down the streets of Ponyville, with a bit of a hop in her step. Celestia’s midday sun shined up above, its rays gently kissing her fur. Today had been a good day, despite the fact that it was Tuesday. For her, Tuesdays seemed to be the one day that everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Perhaps Tuesdays in Ponyville were just cursed as the “Bad or Weird Things Happen to Ponyville” day.

But not this Tuesday.

Earlier, Twilight and Spike finally managed to complete their careful documentation and cataloguing of every book from the complete "Anthology of Equestrian History". It was a grueling, but rewarding endeavor that had taken the better part of the past month. Now, however, much to her relief (and Spike’s), the assignment was finally complete. Now they could finally move onto the next: Documenting and cataloguing every book of "Starswirl the Bearded’s Greatest Works"! Twilight fought hard to suppress a squee of joy at the thought.

But the great day did not stop there.

Despite having busy schedules, she and all of her best friends had managed to find time to have lunch together. Well, except for Pinky Pie, who could not get away from Sugar Cube Corner on account of a surprisingly busy day for the bakery. Such a shame. However, the rest of the gang had all managed to make it. Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy all sat down to nice lunch at a modest café on the edge of Ponyville.

Lately, things had been very busy for all of her friends that they had not had much time to spend together. The fact that they had found the time for this moment, however small, warmed Twilight’s heart. It was a small testament to just how strong the bonds of their friendship were.

They all talked, ate, laughed and enjoyed each other’s company, making it a fine addition to a perfect day. After they had finished and left the café, they agreed to accompany Twilight back to the library. From there, they could all part ways and continue on with their work days.

“It’s a darn shame that Pinky couldn’t join us.” Applejack said as they trotted down the road in the direction of the library. The streets were beginning to get somewhat quieter, now that the lunch hour was ending.

“Tell me about it.” Rainbow Dash agreed as she flew beside the group. “Of all the days that somepony had to place a huge catering order…”

“Now, now darling.” Rarity said trying to console her. “Pinky informed me that business at the bakery had been very terribly slow last month. It is things like this that greatly help the Cakes and their business.”

“Oh my.” Fluttershy said in response as they neared the library. “I do hope that they are making enough bits, especially with their two newborns to look after.”

“Bah, I wouldn’t worry about it.” Retorted Rainbow. “Sugercube Corner is one of the most awesome places in town. They will make loads of bits.”

“Ah agree with Dash.” Applejack said as they came to a stop in front of the library. “Every business has ups n’ downs. The bakery just hit a bump in the road is all.”

“I am sure they will be fine.” Twilight said with a smile as she turned to look at all of her friends. “Well girls, this was really fun. Thanks for making time for it.”

“Aww shucks Twi.” Applejack said as she trotted up alongside Twilight. “No need ta say thanks. This is what friends do.”

“Absolutely.” Fluttershy added with a smile. “We should do it again real soon.”

“Indeed!” said Rarity. “And hopefully next time Pinky will be able to join us as well.”

“If anything, we should be thankin’ you”. Applejack said as she placed a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “It was yer idea in the first place. Even with all of our busy schedules lately, you still found a moment to bring us together.” The farm pony finished with a warm smile.

Twilight blushed at the praise. “Thanks girls.” She said as she returned the smile. “And I definitely would like to get together again, schedules permitting of course.”

“Uhh, hey Twi?” She heard Rainbow ask from nearby. None of them turned to her however.

“Oh don’t worry, RD.” Applejack said with a hearty chuckle. “Ah’m sure if anypony can figure out how to fit some time together into our schedules, it would be Twilight.”

“No, not that!” Rainbow said annoyed. “Twilight, is this, like some new lawn decoration or something?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What…” She trailed off as she and the others turned to look at the object that Rainbow Dash was currently hovering beside.

A tree stump.

Rooted right into the ground in the middle of the road, no more than five meters from the door to the library, was a seemingly ordinary tree stump. The other ponies did not think much of it other than a curiosity. Twilight, however, was focused on only one thing.

“Weird.” Twilight said as she trotted up closer to the stump. “This was definitely not here when I left earlier.” She stopped and looked over the object. About a meter across in diameter, it seemed like a normal stump, albeit aged and highly rotted.

“Well, I for one find it simply dreadful.” Said Rarity as she, Applejack, and Fluttershy all followed Twilight over and surrounded the stump. “It is a terrible blemish on the road. Completely out of place.”

“So…” Fluttershy said as she entered the conversation. “Where did it come from then?”

“Maybe…” Rainbow began as she tapped a hoof on her muzzle in thought. “Maybe…somepony planted a tree and then chopped it down?”

Twilight face-hoofed.

“Really RD?” Applejack said mockingly as she turned to Rainbow. “Ah don’t even need to work on an apple farm to know that it takes a bit longer than an hour to grow a tree. Not only that, this stump looks really old.”

As the others continued to bicker, Fluttershy hovered directly over the stump, looking down into it.

“Well, maybe it was a magic tree.” Rainbow said confidently as she turned to the farm pony with a smug grin. “I betcha never thought of that!”

“Um…girls…” Fluttershy said, just barely audible.

“Magic tree?” Twilight asked as she cocked an eyebrow at the pegasus. “And what would make a tree magic, Dash?”

“Duh! Because it grows so fast!” Rainbow shot back without missing a beat.

“Um…excuse me…girls.” Said Fluttershy in another attempt to draw their attention.

“Magic tree or no,” Said Rarity who entered the debate. “Why would anypony put it here? Other than the fact that it makes no sense, it is also a terrible eyesore!”

“Rare, Ah don’t think whoever put it here really had exterior decoration in mind.” Applejack said turning to the white unicorn. “An’ leave it to you to point out sumthin’ so trivial.”

“Trivial?!” Rarity asked, mouth agape. “What you call trivial, Applejack, happens to be a major part of my lifestyle! Looks speak volumes about an individual, although I would not expect somepony like you to understand…”

“Whatever, Ah think…wait…” Applejack turned back to Rarity with an annoyed look. “What ya mean by ‘somepony like me’?”

“Girls…um…look…” Said Fluttershy as she pointed down into the hole in the base of the stump. Again however, none of them noticed. Fluttershy looked back down into the stump the see a faint golden glow begin to emanate from within the hole in it.

“I am telling you Twilight: Magic Tree.” Said Rainbow who threw her fore-hooves out to emphasize her point. “It is totally a logical possibility.”

“Pfff. Funny to hear YOU of all ponies talk about logic, Rainbow.” Twilight said with a wry smile.

“Yeah, well I…..HEY!” Rainbow immediately flew right up in the unicorn’s face. “Are you calling me stupid?” She asked with a growl.

“I am merely saying that you need more culture, dear Applejack.” Rarity answered the farm pony’s glare. “It is understandable. Living on someplace like a farm can do that to a pony.”

Applejack snorted with derision. “Well at least Ah can handle getting down n’ dirty.” She said, trying to counter Rarity’s argument. “Unlike you, L’il Miss Prissy.”

“PRISSY?!” Rarity repeated the word with disgust and anger. “How. DARE. YOU!”

“I didn’t say stupid.” Twilight said as she backed away from the fuming Rainbow Dash. “Although you do have a tendency to act before fully thinking things through.”

“Oh yeah?” Rainbow chided as she jabbed the unicorn’s chest with a hoof. “Well…well you OVER think everything! You are just far too tedious sometimes…no…scratch that. ALL the time!”

“Tedious?!” Twilight said in an annoyed tone with a scowl on her face. “Huh. I am surprised you even know what the word means Rainbow.” She gave a sly smile, eliciting another growl from the pegasus.

“G…G…Girls?” Fluttershy stammered. Her eyes widened in fear as the glow from the hole continued to grow brighter and brighter.

“Dirty Farmer!”

“Pampered Prissy!”

“Egghead!”

“Blockhead!”

“GIRLS!” shrieked Fluttershy.

“WHAT?” They all said in annoyed unison as they turned toward the timid pegasus.

All of their angered faces immediately turned into ones of shock. They stared, wide-eyed and mouths agape, at the stump which was now emitting a bright, golden glow from the hole in its base. They only had a few short seconds to gaze at the spectacle before it happened.

Without warning, the glow stopped…

…only for a giant beam of the same golden color to shoot out of it towards the sky a moment later.

An invisible wave of energy pulsated from the stump as the beam rocketed toward the heavens. The magical surge took them all completely off guard. It was enough to knock every pony present off their legs and back a few hoof-lengths. The beam disappeared into the sky, leaving behind a group of disoriented ponies on the ground around the stump.

“Argh, Mah head.” Said Applejack as she picked herself up from the ground and rubbed her noggin. “Everypony alright?” She asked as she quickly looked around. One by one, the others all rose to their hooves, except for Fluttershy, who stayed in a quivering ball on the ground.

“Ok!” Rainbow said as she held her head with a hoof. “What the hay was that?!”

“I-I don’t know.” Twilight answered her as she cautiously approached the stump. “But whatever it was, it was definitely magic.”

“Pfff, I don’t need to be a unicorn to figure that out.” Rainbow said as she trotted right up the stump with no hesitation. “Oh and by the way,” she turned to Twilight with a grin on her face. “I TOLD you it was a magic tree!”

“We just got hit by a magical energy wave that could have been dangerous, and you’re worried about your stupid theory?!” Twilight asked angrily, with her scowl from earlier again present on her face.

“It wasn’t stupid.” Rainbow said as she hovered over the stump. “It was right! So I win!” She crossed her fore-hooves and smiled contently.

“Are you alright, darling?” Rarity asked as she trotted over to Fluttershy.

“meep” was the only response she got from the cowering pegasus, who had her hooves over her head.

Rarity sighed. She had been through this routine far too many times before. She knelt down and attempted to convince the quivering yellow and pink bundle that everything was safe.

However, everything was not safe.

“Uh, gurls?” Applejack asked to nopony in particular.

The rest of the group all turned toward her, even Fluttershy, to find her staring up into the sky with wide eyes. They all followed her gaze, only for their faces to mimic the farmer’s in response to what they saw. There, thousands of feet up in the great blue expanse, was the golden light from earlier. On top of that, the anomaly seemed to be getting bigger, which could only mean one thing.

It was coming back down. Straight towards them.

Twilight, with her leadership instincts kicking in, was the first to respond. “EVERYPONY TAKE COVER!!!” she screamed as she ushered them all off. They all dove into some bushes on the side of the street. Well, except for Fluttershy, who once again was immobile in a quaking ball of fear. Rainbow Dash popped her head out of the bushes and saw the yellow pegasus still curled by the stump.

Without hesitating, and with a speed unmatched by anypony else in Equestria, she sprang into action. She zoomed over and scooped up Fluttershy with her hooves. Rainbow then dove back into the bushes with her friend in her grasp, just as the great ball of light came crashing down by the stump.

Twilight and her friends braced themselves. The librarian feared the worst. What would happen? Would the shockwave from the impact destroy the library? Would it destroy the entire street?? Would it destroy all of Ponyville??? Every thought made her cringe in fear. She simply opted to huddle close to her friends in the confines of the bushes. They then waited for the inevitable crash.

It did not come.

Even after a full minute, it still never came. Twilight broke away from the huddle and pricked her ears up. There was no sound at all from outside the bushes. There were not even any birds chirping or gusts of wind rustling the leaves on the trees. The only sounds came from the breathing of the current occupants of the bushes. Rarity was the first one to break the eerie silence.

“Did…did it hit?” she whispered.

“If it did, Ah didn’t hear it.” Applejack answered in a hushed tone.

“Me neither.” Added Rainbow. “This is crazy. Getting attacked by a flippin’ magic tree stump.” Nopony argued with her. “Well, is somepony gonna take a look or not?”

“Why don’t YOU take a look, Dash?” Applejack asked with a cocked eyebrow and a wry smile. “Unless yer scared?”

“Scared?” The pegasus repeated the word, slightly raising her voice. “If you’re so confident, you take a look.”

“Fine!” The farmer shot back. “Ah think Ah will.” Applejack crawled over to the edge of the bush. She took one final breath, and then moved some of the branches aside with her hooves. Her eyes widened and she let out a gasp.

“Applejack, what do you see?” asked Twilight as she shifted closer to the earth pony.

“Ah…” She began, not turning to face the others. “Ah think you should see for yerselves.”

Twilight took the hint as she and the others, except for the still traumatized Fluttershy, all shifted over around Applejack. The farmer pushed more of the branches aside, allowing them to see what she saw. The sight caused them all to let out their own gasps. The scene before them was exactly the same as before, except for one new addition.

Standing next to the tree stump was a creature unlike anything they had ever seen.

They had a pretty good view of it, even from the bush. It stood on two legs, meaning that it must have been bipedal. The way it stood up almost reminded Twilight of a minotaur, except that its legs were much straighter, and its frame much thinner. It had two other limbs that hung from its sides. On the ends of said limbs were hairless appendages, each having several much smaller claw-like appendages protruding from them. Its head was the most peculiar part. It has a thin, messy, gray-colored mane covering the top of it. Around the bottom of the face was more hair of the same shade of grey. There were also two small strips of hair over the tops of its eyes. The rest of its face was hairless, revealing a somewhat wrinkled, pasty-white colored skin. What the rest of its body looked like, the ponies did not know. It was wearing a tattered tan garb that covered its entire body, save for its head and claw-like appendages.

The strange creature just stood there. It did not move. It did not even blink its eyes. It merely stood facing down the street the ponies were walking from earlier. They all stared at it from the confines of the bushes.  The seconds went by, but they seemed like hours. Again, Rarity was the first to break the silence.

“Wha….What is that thing?” She whispered in a nervous tone.

“No clue.” Rainbow replied. “It sure looks weird though.”

“Twi.” Applejack whispered, getting the unicorn’s attention. “Do you know what it is?”

“I…I don’t know either.” She answered. She dug through every corner of her memories, every book she read, but to no avail. “In all my studies, I have never come across such a thing before.” Then a thought popped into her head.

She knew about every creature, not just in Equestria, but nearly the entire known world. Her studies taught her about every single one. If she did not recognize a creature, than that means it has never been seen before. And if has never been seen before…

Twilight’s previous look of shock and awe was replaced by an eerily gleeful smile. Her intellectual side took over. They could very well just have discovered an entirely new species!

Applejack turned to see Twilight’s crazed grin and seemed to read her mind. “Twi, now jus’ calm down.” The unicorn turned her attention to the farmer. “We have no idea what that thing is. It could be dangerous…”

“Oh c’mon, AJ.” Rainbow interjected, waving a hoof in the air. “That thing doesn’t look that dangerous.”

Applejack turned to the pegasus with a deadpanned expression. “Neither do mah sister and her friends. An’ yet they still manage to ‘accidently’ destroy nearly everythin’ they touch.”

Rainbow stared at her for a moment before letting out a sigh. “Point taken.”

“Well then…” Rarity began. “How shall we proceed?”

“Umm…”

The other ponies all turned to see a recovered Fluttershy beside them. Her gaze was fixed upon the creature that was the topic of conversation. She examined the strange being with very curious eyes. Upon seeing her, Rainbow’s expression brightened.

“And here is our ace in the hole.” She said motioning towards the yellow pegasus.

Fluttershy turned toward her and blinked. “Wha…What?” she asked confused.

“You are an expert on animals, riiiight?” Rainbow asked, leaning in closer.

“Well, umm…” The timid pegasus shifted on her hooves, afraid of where this was going.

“Yes. Yes you are.” Rainbow answered for her. “And you have a knack for understanding them, riiiight?”

“Well…s-sorta…” Fluttershy was growing increasingly uncomfortable under the gaze of her cyan friend.

“Yes you can.” Rainbow again answered for her. “Then you can help us.”

“She does have a point.” Twilight said, drawing the attention of the timid pegasus. “What do you say, Fluttershy? Will you help us with this? But only if you choose to. I don’t want to force you into anything.” Twilight gave her a warm smile, even though the voice inside her head was begging for the pegasus to accept.

Fluttershy turned her gaze back to the creature. It had still not moved an inch, which unnerved her greatly. But her friends were counting on her, just like they did during the incident with the dragon on the mountain. She internally shuddered from the memory, but it also gave her a renewed vigor. This time around, the fate of Equestria was not hanging in the balance. That was a lot of stress off of her shoulders. Not only that, but there was the creature itself. While it did seem strange to her, it was nowhere near as terrifying as a fully grown dragon. On top of that, she could also never turn down a chance to help an innocent animal of any kind. What could go wrong? She inhaled deeply before turning back to her friends.

“Ok.” Fluttershy said meekly. “I’ll help however I can.”

Twilight, who was holding her breath up to that point, finally let her relief and gratitude show itself. She threw her hooves around the pegasus, who let out a squeal in surprise. “Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” she chirped as she squeezed tighter in a hug that rivaled Pinkie Pie’s. “You have no idea how much this means to me!”

“Can’t…..breathe…..” Fluttershy wheezed out.

“Oh!” Twilight released her death grip and scratched the back of her head with a sheepish grin. “Sorry. I got ahead of myself.” She turned to look at the others. “Can I count on you all to have our backs on this?”

They all gave affirmed nods with looks of determination on their faces. Twilight could not help but admire them for that. Dash may have been the bearer for it, but they were all still fiercely loyal to each other. With her own vigor renewed, she turned and trudged out of the confines of the bushes, with her friends in tow.

The creature, strangely enough, was still in the exact same position as it was when they first saw it. Twilight and her friends slowly and cautiously cantered up to the strange being. They stopped once they were standing in front of it a few yards away. Twilight turned towards Fluttershy and gave her a nod. She in turn looked towards her other friends, who all gave her reassuring looks. They all had her back.

After taking a deep breath, she slowly cantered up towards the creature. It was at least 3 feet taller than all of the mares present, but Fluttershy did not let it deter her. She stopped when she was close and looked up. Surprisingly, it still had not looked at any of them. In fact, it did not even seem to register their presence at all. It just continued to stare blankly down the road. Fluttershy was puzzled by this. Was it blind? If so, it might have needed help. She could never turn down a creature that needed aid, no matter how strange it seemed. Fluttershy looked up at it and took another breath.

But before she could even utter a single word, the creature finally moved. The movement it chose to take was one that took them all by surprise. It suddenly began to violently thrash its two hanging arms around in the air, while twisting its body. As it did so it began to growl and grunt. Fluttershy immediately squeaked in fear and leapt back to her friends, who all took up defensive stances. Rainbow’s wings flared out, Applejack firmly placed her hooves on the ground, and Twilight and Rarity’s horns began to glow.

However, instead of rushing at them to attack like they expected, it did not. It stayed right where it was, mindlessly thrashing at the air, almost like it was fighting off a ghost. Every now and then it would bunch up one of its claw-like appendages and shake it at the sky with an angry growl. The ponies stared, their previous determined expressions replaced by ones of confusion. After about a minute of observing the spectacle, Rainbow piped up.

“Uhhh….” She looked quite perplexed. “What’s it doing?”

“Maybe we scared it.” Rarity suggested. “Perhaps it just feels threatened?”

“Well, then somepony try talking to it!” Twilight suggested hastily. “Fluttershy, tell it we mean it no harm!”

Surprisingly, the yellow pegasus obeyed pretty quickly, flying up in front of the creature again. She didn’t want to stand by while a creature felt threatened. She landed in front of it and looked up towards it.

“There, there…” She cooed up to it. The creature stopped its thrashing and looked down towards her. “You don’t need to feel-“

“GAHH!” The creature let out a surprised scream and jumped back from her, its eyes going wide. Everypony jumped, and Fluttershy squeaked and jumped back a bit. It then looked over all of the other mares present. Its expression was one of shock, as if it had just noticed all of them for the first time.

After a few moments of tense staring, it finally straightened itself up and continued to gaze at them. Then its look changed from one of shock to…annoyance? It brought a hand up to its hand and pinched the top of what looked like its nose. What happened next took everypony completely by surprise.

“Oh dear, oh dear…” It spoke in an old and withered voice as it shook its head. It sounded male. “Not this again.” He released his nose and looked back at the equines with an irritated expression. “First the talking tree, then the man-wolves, then the armored man and his motley crew, and now…” he reached his arms out and motioned towards the ponies in front of him. “…this!”

The ponies all stared wide eyed, clearly not having expected it to be able to talk. However, none of them were more shocked than Twilight. Soon her wide eyed expression was accompanied by a massive grin. Not only was it a new species, but it was also sapient! This just kept getting better. She could not contain her excitement any more, and she showed it. She instantly rushed forward, roughly pushing poor Fluttershy out of the way as she did.

Fluttershy and the others all looked on uneasily as Twilight gazed up at the creature with a gigantic, somewhat creepy grin. She took a brief moment to compose herself before beginning. After all, she was about to be the mediator between two intelligent species. She cheerfully gazed up at the creature, which looked down at her with annoyance.

“Hello!” She said a little too enthusiastically. “My name is Twi-“

“Bah!” The creature cut her off and waved his arm at her. “I will not listen to anything you say, machination of my mind!” He waved his arm in a sweeping motion towards all of them. “All of you, be gone!”

“W-what?” Twilight took a step back and looked up at the biped in confusion. “I’m sorry?”

“Enough!” The creature looked down at her in annoyance. “If I shut my eyes, you will all be gone in an instant!” He closed his eyes to emphasize his point. “You can tell my brain that I will not be outwitted by it!”

The ponies all stared dumbly at the biped with their mouths open. It could not have seriously thought this was all some kind of hallucination, right? The creature still had its eyes closed when Applejack piped up.

“This here fella seems like he is a few apples short of a bushel.” She spoke aloud as she and the other continued to stare. “I’d best be careful, Twi. No tellin’ what he might do.”

“Don’t be fooled.” Twilight said to the biped. He opened his eyes to look down at her. “We are not some kind of illusion.”

The creature looked between her and the other ponies, and his face fell flat. “Oh, Andraste be damned.” He said angrily. “And here I thought I would finally get to someplace quiet. Somewhere where they would never find me…” He brought a hand up and tapped his chin in thought. “But perhaps this place may still work.”

“Um, excuse me sir? It is ‘sir’, right?” He turned his attention back to the purple unicorn who addressed him. “If I may ask, who are you? Or better yet, what are you? Where did you come from?”

“Argh, Questions, questions!” He said with irritation as he shook an arm at her. “They say it was questions that drove me mad.” He closed one eye and fixed the other on her, making it seem to bulge out. “Will they do the same for you?”

Twilight cringed a bit at his gaze. Maybe Applejack was right. Even the biped was calling himself mad. But never the less, she had questions that needed answering. This was a major discovery for all of Ponykind, and she could not screw it up.

“Yes, I do have some questions that I would very much like answered.” Twilight said uneasily.

“Hurm.” The biped creature straightened himself up and relaxed his gaze. “Then you must play the game. Ask a question and you’ll get a question, but give an answer and you’ll receive the same!”

“Huh?” Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “You…want to swap questions and answers?”

“No no NO!” The creature said in frustration. “That’s not-“ He stopped suddenly and thought for a moment. “No, wait….yes that is what we shall do.”

“Umm…ok then.” Twilight said hesitantly.

“Uh…hey Twi?” Twilight turned toward her friends who were all giving her nervous looks. Applejack was the one who addressed her. “Are ya sure about this? Maybe we should contact the princesses?”

“Girls please, this is part of being Celestia’s student. I can’t always run to her for help.” Some of them opened their mouths to counter, but she cut them off. “Please, just let me handle this.” They all gave uneasy looks before she turned back towards the creature, who was gazing down at her. “You…wish to ask me a question?”

“I believe it is your turn to ask.” The creature said as if it should have been obvious.

“But how do you even deter-“ She stopped and shook her head. “Ugh, never mind.” She took a moment to light up her horn, and from out of nowhere a scroll, quill and inkwell were summoned in puffs of purple smoke. The instruments floated in front of her, prepared to take notes. The biped did not even bat an eyelash at the display. “So let me ask then: What species are you exactly?”

“What am I?” The creature looked at her as if she had said something stupid. “Well, what are you?” His eyes widened and he panicked for a moment. “NO! Wait, don’t answer that! 'Tis not my turn!” The biped calmed himself and relaxed his pose. “I am called…a human.”

“Hew-man?” She repeated the word. The creature just stared at her blankly in response, so she took it as a yes. “Hewman.” She wrote on the scroll. “And where, Mr. Hewman, did you come-“

“Op, op, op! The human waved a finger at her before pointing to himself. “Tis my turn now!”

“But I-“ Twilight began but was cut off.

“No buts, you silly little quadruped!” The human looked down on her with a condescending gaze. “Do you have no sense of the rules?”

Some of her friends gave irritated glances, while Applejack just shook her head. The farm mare couldn’t help but wonder if this was some kind of last minute parting gift from Discord. The Spirit of Chaos would get along well with this fella.

“Ugh, fine.” Twilight let out a groan. She took a breath before looking up to the biped and did her best to put on a small fake smile. “Ask away.”

“Hmm…let’s see…” The human used his hand to rub his chin in thought. After a few moments he turned down towards her. “What is your name?”

Twilight cocked an eyebrow. It was a surprisingly…simple question. Even a little polite. A thought hit her as she wondered if this “hewman” also had a name. If so, perhaps she should have made that her first question. She did not want to come off as rude, after all. She looked up to him with a genuine smile.

“My name is Twilight Sparkle.” She said with a slight bow. “Element of Magic, librarian, and personal student to Prin-“

“Twilight Sparkle?” The creature cut her off. He brought up a hand to his chin once again. “Twilight Sparkle.” He said it once again, as if pronouncing it carefully. The aforementioned unicorn could not help but scowl at the rather rude interruption. That interruption, however, was overshadowed by what the human said next.

“Tis a silly name.” He said matter-of-factly.

Looks of shock all passed onto her friends faces, while Twilight herself actually folded her ears down against her head. A look of hurt came onto her face. It was, after all, the name that her loving parents had given her. It was a pretty name by Equestrian standards. How could this biped possibly think-

“HEY!” Her internal ramblings were cut off as a certain prismatic pegasus immediately flew into view. Rainbow floated just a few feet in front of the biped creature and shot him a nasty glare. “Just who the hay do you think you are, making fun of my friend like that?”

The human just gave her a level stare in response, but did not answer her inquiry. Rainbow did not like that. She hovered in closer to the biped, narrowing her eyes trying to intimidate him, but was stopped by an unseen force whose power seemed to rival even Discord himself.

“OH SWEET CELESTIA!” She backpedaled a few yards and brought her hooves up to cover her snout. “WHAT IS THAT SMELL?”

“What?” Applejack asked her. She trotted up past her towards the human. “RD, what the hay are ya talkin’ abou-“ She stopped abruptly as her face twisted up to match Rainbow’s. “Dear Luna! It smells worse than a pig trough left out in the sun all day!” She backed up and held a hoof over her nose.

“Why are you two-“ Rarity also tried to walk forward, but was stopped by Applejack.

“Trust me Rare, ya don’t wanna know.” Applejack said with her muzzle still scrunched up.

The human stared with a cocked eyebrow at the ponies as they recovered from the olfactory overload. He then casually lifted one of his arms and gave his armpit a few tentative sniffs. He merely shrugged and let the arm fall back down to his side.

“Alright then!” Twilight said with an uneasy smile, trying to get back on track. “Perhaps we should move on now.”

“Very well then.” The human said. The two merely stared at each other for a few seconds before an irritated look came onto the biped’s face. “Well, go on then! Tis your turn again, after all.”

“Oh! Right. Hehe…” Twilight brought the scroll and quill back up again. “So Mr. Hewman, where did you come from?”

The biped scratched his head as he contemplated an answer. “Before here…I came from the Forest.”

“The…forest?” Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “What forest?”

“The Forest, of course!” The biped answered with a smile. “The only forest that matters.”

“But…there are lots of forests in the world.” Twilight said with a furrowed brow. “Which did you come from? The Everfree? Whitetail?”

“No!” The biped shouted in frustration. “The Forest! With the man-wolves, the ghosts, the knife-ears and the talking trees!” The biped put his hands on his hips and shot looked off toward the horizon with a distant look. “The Forest…”

Twilight let out a frustrated grunt and shook her head. “But that doesn’t answer my question!” She practically shouted. “I need an actual name in order to know-“

“Question taking too long! My turn now!” The biped cut her off, causing her to let off a growl. He once again stroked his chin in thought over his next question. “Let’s see…” He turned to look back at her again. “Do you have any knowledge of the Arcane Arts?”

Twilight blinked. The question was certainly unexpected, but very much welcome. She could not help but give a proud smile. “Why yes I am.” She said with a large grin. “In fact, I am the bearer of the Element of Magic and the personal student of Prin-“

“Element?” The biped once again cut her off, causing her to frown deeply. “Which element? Fire? Frost? Lighting?” Twilight merely stared at him with a perplexed look. He growled. “I asked a question, silly, and you must answer!”

“Fire? Frost?” She repeated the words, the confusion very much evident on her face. “I’m afraid that I don’t understa-“

“NO!” The biped shouted suddenly, throwing his arms into the air with a terrified look. Every pony jumped several feet off the ground, startled by his sudden outburst. The human immediately calmed down like nothing was wrong. “I forgot. I already asked my question. Your turn.”

Twilight’s left eye twitched. Behind her, Applejack merely shook her head. She took back her thought from before. Discord would have a field day with this guy.

“Ugh!” Twilight let out a confused grunt. “Fine! Give me a minute.” She furrowed her brow in thought. She just needed a very simple question, one that would give her a straight answer. Then a thought hit her and she turned up to the human with a smile. The question she had in mind was completely foal-proof. Hay, even a foal could answer it.

“Alright Mr. Hewman.” She said warmly. “What…is your name?”

Immediately, the human’s mood underwent a massive shift. Whereas before he was either loopy or irritated, he now looked positively enraged by the innocent question. “My name?!” He shouted and leaned toward Twilight, fixing her with a deranged look. “Why do you want to know?! Did they send you?! DID THEY TELL YOU TO ASK?!”

With each new question, he took a step forward and leaned closer and closer to Twilight. His eyes turned completely bloodshot as he spoke, and his face was mere inches away from hers. Twilight shrunk herself down as he towered over her, her pupils shrinking to the size of pinpricks. Between the look of absolute rage on the human’s face and the incredible rancid smell emanating off of him, the unicorn was terrified.

“Who’s they?!” She fearfully squeaked.

“Alright, that’s it!” A rainbow colored blur launched itself forward and took a swing at the human, who showed surprising finesse and jumped back. Rainbow hovered in the air and brought her hooves up defensively, punching outward in a boxing stance. “You wanna go, you big dumb monkey? Nopony picks on my friends and-“

“GAAAAAH!” The human let off a shriek and pointed a finger at Rainbow Dash…

…and from out of the finger shot a bolt of lightning.

The bolt struck Rainbow square in the chest, sending her flying backwards spinning through the air. She landed on her back and slid across the ground, coming to a stop in the dirt. The ponies all stared in shock before Fluttershy ran over and stood over Rainbow, whose hairs were all standing out straight. Strangely, she was otherwise unharmed, save for the small circle of singed fur on her chest.

“Rainbow!” Fluttershy cried as she shook her downed friend. “Speak to me!”

“Tuesday’s…applesauce day…” Rainbow mumbled deliriously with her eyes closed.

As Fluttershy continued to try to rouse her fellow pegasus up, Twilight and the others turned back to the human with frowns. The human merely stood there with a blank look on his face, seemingly unfazed by the entire spectacle. Applejack growled and stepped forward.

“Ya varmint!” She stopped a fair distance away from the biped, who looked down at her with indifference. “Who the hay do you think you are attacking mah friend? Give me one good reason not to buck you clear across this road!”

“She attacked first.” The human said with a shrug. “I retaliated. That’s how it works where I’m from. Besides, 'tis but a flesh wound.”

“Well here we don’t just-“

Applejack was cut off as a yellow and pink blur flew right past her, catching her by surprise. She looked back to see what it was and smiled. Fluttershy hovered in the air, her face inches away from the biped. And she did not look too happy. Applejack let out a chuckle. Now this darned human would experience the wrath of a force so powerful that it could bring a fully grown dragon to its hind quarters.

The All-Mighty Stare.

“Now you listen here, mister!” Fluttershy scolded him as she poked him in the chest with a hoof. Her eye buldged out slightly as she spoke. “Just because you-“

“No, YOU listen here!” The human shouted at her, his eye budging out ever further than hers. “I will not be taken! Not again!”

Everypony present stared with their mouths open is shock. The human had broken through the power of The Stare. However none of them were more started by the development than Fluttershy. She backed away and landed gingerly on the ground, a fearful look on her face.

“Wha-what?” She squeaked.

“I know that they sent you!” The human roared at her causing the timid pegasus to curl up on the ground quaking in fear. “They think that they are sooo clever, but I know their game! You are nothing to me! NOTHING!” Fluttershy looked like she was on the verge of tears before Twilight threw herself in between the human and the pegasus.

“Enough!” She shouted before fixing the human with a glare. “Now, I don’t know what your problem is or who “they” are, but you clearly have us confused with somepony else.” She straightened herself up and looked the human dead in his deranged eyes. “So I suggest that you get over your problem. Now.”

The human stared at her and the rest of the ponies for a few moments. All was deathly silent between them, from the shocked Rarity to the still unconscious Rainbow Dash. Rarity was the only thing keeping Applejack from attacking the biped in a furious rage, with the fashionista trying desperately to hold the farm pony back. Finally the silence was broken when a sly smile appeared on the human’s face.

“Oh, I see…” He said with a slight chuckle. “How very clever. Very clever indeed.” He let off a few more chuckles, causing each of the ponies to give perplexed expressions.

“I…what?” Twilight asked.

“So, they asked you all to play dumb.” The human said, his smile still present. “To act like you didn’t know what I was talking about.”

“What?!” All of the ponies shouted in shocked unison.

“And I had nearly fallen for it.” The human said, his smile then disappearing. “To send cute little colorful creatures after me, knowing very well that I might fall for it. I had nearly forgotten how clever they are.”

“Please listen.” Twilight pleaded. “You have clearly got the wrong-“

“But I will not be fooled. Not again!” The human’s expression changed once again to irritation. “They have tracked me far and wide, but they will never catch me! Oh no sir! For I know their game, and I will beat them at it!”

The human stood up straight, gazing off in the distance with a determined look in his eyes. “They may follow me across the very fabric of time and space, but I will not submit, not to them or anyone! They may get all of the ghosts, clouds, and colorful quadrupeds on their side, but they will never win!”

He turned to look back down at the ponies. “So you can go and tell them that they will have to do a lot better than this. Because even if they have everything else on their side, I have the trees on mine!” He then threw a fist into the air. “AND I AM THE LORD OF THE TREE STUMPS!”

With that, the human then turned and took off down the road. With great leaps and bounds, he skipped gleefully toward the center of town away from the library, giggling madly as he did so.

“Whu…” Rainbow Dash picked herself off the ground with a groan. She brought a hoof up to her aching head. “What…happened?”

She turned to look at all of her friends, who were all sporting the same expression: completely wide eyed and slack jawed. She followed their gazed to see a biped kicking up a cloud of dust as he took off down the path. There was silence for a few moments before Applejack broke it.

“Hey Twi?”

“Huh?” The unicorn grunted out.

“What the buck just happened?”

Twilight did not answer the question. Instead she turned her head downward with her eyes closed, bringing a hoof up to massage her temple as she let out a grumble.

“Tuesdays…” She hissed angrily as she shook her head. “Always Tuesdays…”

***

The mad hermit continued to bound down the road gleefully, completely ignoring any ponies that he happened to pass by. Some simply opted to give him a wide berth, while others followed the traditional Ponyville response by running off screaming. He stopped in the middle of the town square and looked around as the area quickly emptied of freaked out ponies. Soon, it was just him there by himself.

Which was his favorite thing.

The hermit looked around the square intently. What he needed now was a new hiding place to live quietly. The Brecilian Forest was nice for a while until that weird man and his even weirder crew showed up. They went on their way, but the hermit knew that they would return. With them…

So instead he left and came here. He thought that they would never think to look in another world entirely, but he was mistaken. They had even gotten the local creatures to do their bidding, all conspiring against him. Soon the furry tricksters would attack and turn him in to them, so now he needed a new hiding place. He just didn’t know where.

He brought a hand up and stroked his chin thoughtfully, thinking of a way to proceed. He was brought out of his reverie when he heard a rather loud gasp behind him. He turned his head fully around to reveal…

His eyes widened.

“No…” He breathed out.

It couldn’t be. He prayed to the Maker that it wasn’t. He asked Andraste to make it be a cruel joke his eyes were playing on him.

But it wasn’t.

Standing mere feet away from him was the one whom he had met so many, many years ago. The one who crossed into his world through a magical gateway.

The one who drove him mad. With the questions.

“Ohmygoshit’syouIcan’tbelieveitIhavn’tseenyouinforeverhowhaveyoubeendidyoucompleteyourmagictrainingdidyoumakeyourmasterprouddidyoufinishwritingyourownspellsdidtheyevercatchyouareyoustillrunningfromthemareyaareyaAREYAHUHUHUHDIDJADIDJADIDJA?”

The pink pony got right up in the hermit’s face, bombarding him with a tidal wave of questions. The last time that this had happened had been years ago, and his sanity had barely survived the process.

Now, however…

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” The hermit raised both of his fists into the air and let off a defeated cry that echoed all across Equestria and beyond.

Pinkie Pie giggled.

“Even after all these years, you are still such a silly-billy-filly, aren’t you?” She asked him playfully.

“Oh, you’ve done it now…” The hermit turned to look down at her with his deranged smile and bloodshot eyes before letting off a deranged giggle. “You’ve surely done it now!”

With that, the hermit erupted into a fit of mad laughing, hopping back and forth in place on his two legs as his did so. He then stretched his arms out and turned his head upward, now giggling like a complete madman as he hopped in place.

Naturally, Pinkie Pie took this as some sort of new dance craze, and decided to join in. She began to wave her hooves around, improvising her own patented Pinkie Pie groove right on the spot.

A few seconds into their jiggy, there was a great crash of thunder high above. Pinkie lifted her head to see the clouds part and a massive pillar of golden light cut straight through them. The pillar crashed into the ground, engulfing the hermit in its brilliant light. Pinkie lifted a hoof to shield her eyes, but she could still hear the final proclamation of the hermit.

“TUUUUUURNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPS!” He shouted into the skies.

And then, just as quickly as it had started, the spectacled was over. Pinky opened her eyes to see that the pillar of light was gone, in its place a large scorch mark on the ground. Along with it was gone the Mad Hermit of the Brecilian Forest, disappearing forever from both the face of Equestria and Thedas. Where he was going and what his intentions were, no one knew.

Pinkie looked around for a bit before turning her head to look at the ground with a frown.

“B-but…I…”

Her mane and tail deflated as her lip began to quiver.

“I only wanted to be his friend..."