Do Not Disturb.

by Normal

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Sex, Random, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1817

Twilight Sparkle has not ordered that pizza.

Twilight Sparkle has not ordered that pizza.

Trigger Warning: Contains humor

Published 2014-08-14 03:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-16 00:18:49 UTC

Pizza, Pizza

Author's Note

I had originally planned for there to be actually clop clop but...I can't bring myself to that. :raritydespair:

Pizza, Pizza

Knock, knock.

"Spike!" Twilight Sparkle hollered, voice cracking down the middle like a freshly curb stomped head.

Knock, knock. The pounding sound continued, with an almost mechanical rhythm behind it. That is to say, absolutely no rhythm or mojo whatsoever in its incessant, never ending, head pounding sound.

"Spike! The door," Her teeth ground together as her already forced attention was tried, "Answer it! I have important studying to do for the princess!"

Knock, knock, knock!

It was without any and's or or's that the door knocked, that's how rhythmic, NO NO NO! It was the opposite of rhythmic, Celestia damn it! Where was Spike? It was, after all, his job to do those sorts of chores when she was faced when these sorts of jobs. Her princessly duties were important and reading none the less so! If Spike couldn't answer the crystalline door than that only left one pony that could do it.

Twilight Sparkle marched downstairs, her book on Zebra's heritage and its accompanying magic behind. Time was not something she could waste and the only thing on her mind as she traipsed down the still unfamiliar stairs that is all she could think of. Next week she was expecting a very important visit from the patriarchal dignitaries from that far off land. The fact that they ran off of a patriarchy was enough of a contrast to make that visit prove more than exciting.

And the knocking would not stop interrupting her studies! When Spike got back he was going to experience the lecture of his lifetime. No, two lifetimes!

Passing through the kitchen on her way to the front door she couldn't help but grab one of the fresh apples that A.J. had brought over the morning prior. If she had any say, this would have to be the only break she would have all day. The apple’s virgin skin broke with a satisfying crunch under her powerful teeth.

Thought her new castle was made from the finest crystals that a locked box could provide, that did not make it any more see through than her old home. Twilight Sparkle let out one more sigh as she neared the ornate door.

It went something like this, if said out loud, “Le sigh.” I DON’T EXIST

Her magic, now thankfully back to normal alicorn levels, opened the door with a simple glow of purple and nothing else. Through the now exposed portal to the outside an unfamiliar pony was revealed to be standing there with a toothy grin. His hair was slicked back in a fashion that would have made Rarity swoon and then, as it flowed down to his withers she noticed it took on a more wavy appearance with its warm chocolate brown locks.

'Oh, my,' She thought, and, or should I say but, out loud it was a different story, "How may I help you, mister...?" She trailed off as she let the stallion complete her sentence.

"Names aren't important, my good mare," his tail swished out and she noticed that the roots were more a gingery shade than the rest of his mane. Dyed, she realized, "I'm here to deliver your...pizza."

She noticed as he presumptively sauntered inside the red saddlebags at his side. Panucci's Pizza, they read, something she could quite plainly see now.

He continued before she could formulate a response. "In fact… I have your hot beef injection, your foot-long summer sausage, all this…” He gestured in his general area “Perfectly hot and ready for you."

"I'm afraid I didn't order a pizza, you must have mistaken the address. This is the former location of the Golden Oak's library you see, and now castle of- I mean home to...me." Twilight blushed, her indecision over addressing the castle by its formal name offset by her own modesty.

Her tail swished, betraying certain emotions. This was just what the response he was looking for in the mare, if he was reading it correctly.

He wasn’t.

"Oh, you must be mistaken...I have never gotten an address wrong..." He drew in close to her and rubbed his shaggy withers against her, was that a lavender scent, withers, "And, I have, never, ever, left a customer..." His voiced lowered to a husky growl, "Unsatisfied."

"Sir!" The true source of Twilight's tail swishing arose now as Twilight's anger boiled over, "I must ask you to leave this residence! Now. I have not ordered a pizza, not that i believe your intentions are honest, and right now I am within my rights to use force to eject you from my home. Step away right now."

He took no notice of the rising anger. "Oh, yes, I'm sure you're a very busy mare. Why don't you let Mr. Fry rub some of that tension out?" His hoof was tender as a spider web's mist as it ran over her tight flank, "Now tell me where you want it, sweet cheeks."

"If you do not remove your hoof..." She spoke between gritted teeth, "Right now, I will give you any further warnings. Get off of me, no-!"

Her eyes shrunk to pinpricks as his hoof ran a little too close to an area only befitting of private discussion between two or more consenting adults.

BAM!

A bookworm is by no means defenseless. This was two fold, if not more so when their older sibling spent their childhood with dreams of captain hood.

Twilight relaxed against the door as it closed, hind quarters rather sore after the actions that she had just gone through. Bookkeeping was not something that left you prepared for such unexpected escapades.

The door knocked again.

Twilight opened the door, a crossed expression shown on her face. The new pony tipped his hat. "Ma'am," he smiled benignly,"I'm the plumber that was called."

Twilight's eye twitched threateningly.

The so called plumber brushed a lock of red hair out of his eyes. "I'm here to snake your drains, Princess."

"No, no, no! A thousand times no! Your princess is in another castle! A castle far, far away!" And with that, the final slam of the door rang throughout the kingdom and more specifically; through the ears of the stunned plumber.

“I don’t think that was Princess Mi Amore…”

Pink hooves clad in the finest of white gold horseshoes paced back and forth between the two stoic guards. Her truly special order was supposed to have arrived here well over an hour ago. She did not have much time left…

“Where are they,” She muttered, voice hoarse with the need within, “How many crystal castles can there possibly be to confuse?”

Across Equestria another alicorn was wondering something quite similar as she finished her apple down to the seedy core.

But it was the Crystal Empire that the focus was primed for, as the focus of the guards was now on their princess.

“Your Highness? Are you in need of something that we can assist with?” It was the huskier of the two that spoke first.

“Yes!” Previously lost in thought, Cadance’s eyes gleamed before her thought process found the map, “ I mean, no, I am afraid you can not,” She couldn’t have Shining Armor hearing of this, “In fact, why don’t you two go take a break? Your shift is almost over.” Her smile did not quite reach her eyes but the manic gleam made up for that in spades, hearts, diamonds, and clubs.

“Your Highness, you are well aware, I am quite,” The guard’s voice lowered to a whisper before squeaking,” certain,” after the squeaked out word his voice returned to a normal, deepened pitch, “That at no point during Celestia’s day or Luna’s night is a princess of the Crystal Empire to be left without a minimum or two guards.”

"If you insist on assisting your princ-"

Just then, it happened. Right as Cadance’s focus slipped and her attention turned to the two guards, they were of consensual age she thought idly, it had to happen. How could she get so distracted by those sculpted plots of the most clear of crystals. SHe could almost see the goo- No! The door, Cadance! She mentally berated herself as the timid pounding echoed through the chamber.

“THE PIZZA IS HERE!” Cadance’s hooves clapped together like a foal realizing they were having pizza for their fifth birthday, blocking out the sound of knocking and leaving in its place the empty sound of one mare clopping, “THE PIZZA IS HERE, THE PIZZA IS HERE!”

The guards shared an age weary look, knowing of their princess insatiable lust for...pizza.

The deliverer of the cheesey goodness was younger than any of the three ponies were expecting. The guards took him in with a trained eye. Pimples, plenty enough for the name Pizzaface to probably be a common problem. Age was right for such teasing among his peers. Eighteen, maybe nineteen years of age. He looked every part like a real pizza pony.

Whether Cadance noticed any of this was debate among the two guards for the week to come. She had pounced before his hoof hit the door in its once more descending path to knock.

It was a hot and steamy attack of sexual assault that the guards witnessed. If there were to think back upon once they were no longer under the service of her Royal Highness of Love, it was exactly that; assault.

At the time though it was simply Cadance.

As soon as she had his fore hooves pinned behind his head, she went to the town. Her teeth went straight for the tender and more importantly, sensitive, flesh of his ear.

“Oh, yeah...you like that don’t you, you big…” She purred, “ bad….boy.”

A solitary slice of three cheese pizza slide down the wall, leaving behind its juices, sweet and delicious.

Cadance could wait no longer and her restless lips, in this case the kind with the teeth, moved downward to the buttons of his red vest. Her mind thought almost of complaints pertaining to this particular barrier but she thought nothing more of it as the slightly sour tang of sweat blasted her taste buds. She was working at removing his buttons the earth pony way.

“Oh, that’s it...tell me about your sausage pizza...your big...juicy,”

She was starting to drool now as she forced apart the cheap cotton. Her hooves dropped to the floor with a clatter of disappointment.

“Where’s the rest?”

A pause.

“Oh, no matter. A nibble of a quiche is just as good as a plate of scrambled eggs.”

The two guards watched on uneasily, going on an hour later, the younger of the two crossing his hind hooves with shame.

“He must have been new.”

Silence.

“Does she have to do this daily?”