What if Rainbow Dash was a Girl?
Pinkie Pie held out her tongue and marveled at its greenish complexion. “Ooh, pwetty.”
“Well, Twist's peppermints do tend to do that.” Rarity shifted on her stool at Sugarcube Corner. The diner was mostly vacant after the morning rush had died down. “You know, there's a rhyme about that actually.”
“Rweally?” Pinkie twisted her tongue back and forth. Colored lights danced on the table, filtering in through a newly installed stained-glass window.
“A kiss from all colors will make your love blossom true.
“First the deepest of passion from red you will find.
Next white is devotion for that color is blind.
Then faithful green's kiss is like a contract that's signed.
The colors of love will put a ring on his mind.
“Three candy kisses for one, and that one marries you.”
Pinkie's eyes opened wide and she closed her mouth. She looked at the bag of peppermints on the table. “Twist wrote that?”
Rarity giggled. “Oh no, dear. That was her grandfather, Peppermint Swirl. You see, at the time, candies were considered to be only for children–”
“What? No way!” Pinkie interrupted.
“Yes, hard times, I know.” Rarity tapped on the table in an old custom for warding off evil spirits. “–so he wrote that poem to attract a slightly older audience of impressionable young mares and hopeful stallions. It worked too; peppermints became almost as ubiquitous as flowers. They only faded away because the talent for making them skipped a generation in Twist's family. But now that Twist can make them again, that rhyme's popped back up again too.”
“Huh.” Pinkie stuck her tongue back out again. Then she giggled and nearly bit it. “Got anypony you plan on 'peppermint pecking'?”
Rarity lifted her head up in a dignified pose and snorted. “A proper lady does not engage in 'peppermint pecking'.” Satisfied with her indignation, she cast her eyes down and waved a hoof at the peppermints. “When you put it that way, it sounds so girly.”
Pinkie Pie chuckled. “I never thought I'd hear you complaining about something being too girly.”
“Posh, I'm a grown mare. I can have a valid opinion on what's too girly. And believe me, when I say something's too girly, I mean it's–” The door chime rang and a light blue pegasus entered the shop. “–Rainbow Dash?”
Pinkie scrunched up her face in confusion and raised an eyebrow. “What? But isn't Rainbow Dash like the opposite of–” Pinkie paused when Rarity pointed over her shoulder. She twisted around and saw Rainbow Dash ordering something from Mr. Cake. A grin crept up her face. Pinkie winked at Rarity and spoke, loudly, “What if Rainbow Dash was a girl?”
Rainbow Dash looked their direction with a confused look on her face. Rarity blinked in awkward silence. After being nudged under the table, Rarity did her best to catch onto Pinkie's plan. “Oh that would be just terrible. We'd never have gone on all those sexy adventures together.”
“What?” Rainbow Dash set her tray of cupcakes down and hurried over to where her friends were. “What the heck are you talking about? I am a girl.”
Rarity and Pinkie Pie shared a wink and giggled.
“You're right. If Dash were a girl, I'd never have gotten to make out with him all night that time we camped alone together with the buffalo tribe,” Pinkie said.
“We didn't do that, Pinkie. What is up with you two?” Dash asked. She raised an eyebrow and cringed as ponies looked over to see what was going on. There weren't many ponies in the room but they all turned their heads or looked up. Sparkler set her newspaper down and Dinky stole it to look for the comics section.
“Oh yeah? Well I'll have you know that he heroically saved me from falling to my death not once, not twice, but three times! And afterward he'd always look deep into my eyes...” Rarity swooned.
“I never did that!” Rainbow snorted. “Cut it out, you guys.”
Lyra and Bon Bon walked in. They paused on their way to the counter to watch the developing scene.
Pinkie wrapped a hoof around Rainbow's neck and pulled her close. “Remember when we pulled all those pranks on ponies before that mean griffon showed up? We'd passionately kiss each other after each one!”
“Ack! Pinkie, get off. We did NOT passionately kiss each other, and Gilda was my friend.” Rainbow Dash pushed Pinkie off.
Mr. Cake moved Dash's cupcakes back behind the counter for safe keeping while Mrs. Cake crept closer to them to get a better view. She loved having saucy things to talk about and this was prime gossip material.
With Pinkie out of the way, Rarity grabbed Rainbow Dash's neck to pull her close. “Hmm, yes. Well when we were in that dragon costume following Spike on his journey of self-discovery, Rainbow Dash and I would lock lips whenever Twilight was distracted. It was so alluring. We had to keep our passion secret with Twilight right there on our backs. That never would have happened if Rainbow Dash was a girl.”
“That DIDN'T happen because I AM a girl! Come on you guys, cut it out.” Rainbow Dash ducked out of Rarity's grip and looked around. She flushed in embarrassment. “You're attracting a crowd.”
Five curious ponies wasn't exactly a crowd, but with them all looking at her it sure felt like it.
“Yeah, well, If Rainbow Dash were a girl then he wouldn't let me do this.” Pinkie hopped over and pecked Rainbow Dash on the cheek.
“Ack. Pinkie, what the heck was that for?” Rainbow Dash wiped off the greenish kiss with a wing.
“Green kiss, green kiss!” Pinkie declared. “That means he's mine!”
“No no, Pinkie. It doesn't count if you do it out of order. And what kind of kiss was that? Watch how a lady does it.” Rarity levitated a red peppermint into her mouth and started crunching on it.
“Uh, I don't like where this conversation's headed, so if you'll excuse me–” Rainbow Dash started inching away.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash, my darling. We have waited so long for this moment! Feel my passion!” Rarity intercepted Rainbow Dash and smacked her full on the lips. Rainbow Dash turned bright red, and it wasn't just due to the peppermint food coloring. Half the audience cringed while the other half clapped their hooves.
“Don't look, Dinky.” Sparkler covered the eyes of the young unicorn with her hooves, who immediately tried to look past them to see what was going on.
“Ack, Rarity, that was bogus!” Rainbow Dash rubbed at her mouth with her hoof. “Yuck.”
Pinkie Pie popped a red peppermint in her mouth and started crunching on it. Her eyes narrowed. Rainbow Dash's pupils shrank.
“That's it. I'm out of here.” Rainbow Dash flew out the door.
Rarity and Pinkie Pie couldn't contain themselves any longer and both rolled on the floor howling with laughter.
***
“Egads, those two.” Rainbow Dash was in her cloud house, washing her mouth out with soap. “I've got to find a way to prank them back.”
She spat the soap out and watched it swirl down the drain. Her mouth might be clean, but she couldn't get that kiss off her mind. She went back to her bedroom and paced back and forth. Tank watched her curiously from his tank.
“They wouldn't be laughing so much if I really was a guy.” Rainbow Dash snorted, then lit up. “That's it! No, wait—that's stupid. Not even Twilight can change somepony's gender, even for a little while. The one time she did do it it was just a trick. Wait, that might work after all. But who...?”
Rainbow Dash looked at her family portrait on the nightstand by her bed. She grinned. “Of course! Dad looks just like me. This will be perfect. I can't wait to see the looks on their faces when a 'male' Rainbow Dash shows up.”
***
Rainbow Dash knocked on the door to her parent's home in Cloudsdale. “Mom, dad, it's me, Rainbow Dash. I'm home!”
The door opened wide and her father, Rainbow Strike, grabbed her and pulled her in for a hug. “Dashie! It's so good to see you again. How's my sweet little filly?”
“Oof. Da~ad,” Dash whined and winced in his crushing grip.
“ 'Course, you're not so little anymore, are you?” He released her and slapped her on the back. “Come on in. Let's sit down and chat for a while.”
Rainbow Dash followed her father inside. The place hadn't changed much since she'd left for Ponyville. There was a trophy case for displaying the prizes her father had won racing. That was before she was born, though, and they had a fair bit of dust on them. Another display case contained memorabilia and newspaper clippings from her mother's various expeditions. A super embarrassing baby picture of Rainbow Dash hung on the wall. It showed a diapered Rainbow Dash buzzing her tiny wings and gumming on a chandelier. Dash always cringed when she saw it.
“Say, is mom around?” Dash asked.
Strike sighed. “No, sorry. She's off on one of her trips again. You know how she gets. She'll spot something she fancies in one of those old manuscripts of hers, her eyes will light up and sparkle, she'll tap her hooves exactly three times, her ears will flop back and she'll make that cutest little gasp. Then she'll set off for months on end and won't stop until she gets it.”
“She still does that?” Dash asked. “I thought she said she was going to stay home more often.”
“Well, she did until you left. I've been fairly lonely here since then. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy her company. There's a plot of gold on the end of that rainbow, you know.” He whistled.
“Ack, dad. TMI. TMI.”
“It just hasn't been all that frequent lately. Well, enough about your mother. What brings you here?” Rainbow Strike poured cups of fresh carrot juice for them both.
“Well, you see...” Rainbow Dash dropped a photo of her friends on the table after taking a swig from her cup. That finally got the taste of soap off her tongue. A mischievous grin crept across her face as she explained her plan to her father. His expression remained oddly neutral, but he agreed to it immediately.
“Awesome. I have some colored eye contacts back at my place that you can use to change your eye color from yellow to magenta, and with some body paint we can make the rainbow on your cutie mark look like a lightning bolt instead of a straight line. Hmm...” Rainbow Dash looked her father over. His coat was a darker blue than hers, and his hair was spikier as well. “Eh, close enough. I'd expect my male counterpart to look a little different anyway.”
Strike nodded. “Go on ahead and get your stuff ready. I'll meet you back at your place. I want to leave a note for your mother in case she shows up while I'm out.” Rainbow Strike waited until his daughter was out of earshot to hold up that photo again and smile. “So, she wants me to go to town making out with her hot, young friends? I think I love this plan.”
***
Rarity shook her bulging bag of peppermints and smiled at the clinking sounds it made. Twist's style of peppermint made them sound like a lighter, more angelic form of currency. Pinkie Pie's peppermint bag was equally packed.
“Okay, Pinkie, these are the rules of the peppermint kissing game: First of all, he has to taste the peppermint when you kiss him or it doesn't count. Each kiss has to be in order and the right color or you have to start over. No forcing him to kiss you; it has to be consensual. Lastly, if another girl kisses him before you finish, you loose your place and have to start over. That's true even if the other girl isn't playing with peppermints.”
“So we're still going after Rainbow Dash?” Pinkie asked. She looked up at the clouds trying to catch hint of a rainbow tail.
“Until one of us 'wins' or we run out of peppermints yes. I was the last one to kiss 'him' so I'm on white. You have to start on red.” Rarity grinned, and popped a white one in her mouth. Pinkie Pie grinned back, and started sucking on a red one.
“There you two are,” an unfamiliar male voice called out. “Care to resume our alluring adventures together?”
The two mares turned around and did a double-take. The dashing stallion in front of them was the spitting image of Rainbow Dash. He raised one eyebrow high, winked with the other eye, and gave them a wide smile.
“Rainbow Dash?” Rarity asked. Her mouth hung open.
“The one, the only, the most gnarly pony in all of Equestria.” He plucked a daisy from the side of the road and placed it in Rarity's Mane. She blushed.
“Gnarly?” Pinkie asked. She rudely looked him up and down, and side-to-side.
This mysteriously male Rainbow Dash grabbed one of Pinkie's forelegs and held it in the air. He gave her a half-twirl and lightly tugged on her tail. “You must be my good friend, Pinkie Plot.”
“Hey!” Pinkie landed on her rump. Rarity giggled and so did a nearby tree.
“And you–” Strike didn't miss a beat and lifted Rarity's chin up to look her in the eyes. “–must be Beauty.”
“Aha. No, dear. I'm flattered but my name is Rarity.” The advances of this stallion who claimed to be Rainbow Dash made her blush. She averted her eyes so she could compose herself and sort her thoughts. If this was a joke, it was strange one. She batted her eyelashes at him; she didn't want him to think she wasn't interested, after all.
“Yes, well, anypony would have made the same mistake I did. So how about we do some of those things that you would never do if I were a girl?” He winked at her and puckered up his lips.
Rarity hesitated only a moment longer. She rolled the white peppermint across her tongue and puckered up her lips to match his. After all, she had a game to win. They kissed.
Rainbow Strike's eyes opened wide. He hadn't expected that to actually work, but now that it had, he returned her kiss with passion. “Mmm, minty.”
“Ack!” The tree rustled and a second, less masculine, Rainbow Dash landed too heavily on the ground. She winced in pain. “Rarity, what are you doing!? You weren't supposed to actually kiss him.”
Rarity separated herself from male Rainbow Dash, who was panting. She had a glowing smile on her face.
Pinkie Pie glanced between the two Rainbow Dash's, then whispered to Rarity, “Uh, that's not the real Rainbow Dash you just kissed.”
“Does it matter? They're clearly related. He's probably her brother. Besides, he's in on this too. Just look at how flustered Rainbow Dash is; I say we keep playing along.”
“What are you two whispering about over there?” Female Rainbow Dash turned to glare at them. She got up and flexed her wings to check for injury after her fall. She'd fly over at any moment.
Rarity popped a green mint in her mouth and quickly mouthed off to Pinkie, “One-more-kiss-and-I'll-win.”
“Oh no you won't!” Pinkie Pie hopped in front of male Rainbow Dash. She batted her eyes at him and leaned forward. “Hey, handsome. How about a kiss?”
“Oh, yes I will!” Rarity bumped Pinkie aside. “Nevermind her. How about an encore?” She puckered up her lips.
“How about NOT!” Female Rainbow Dash knocked Rarity over in a flying tackle. “What is wrong with you?”
Rarity looked up at the pegasus who had her pinned. “Oh hello there, odd female pony who looks just like my male friend Rainbow Dash. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a good time, is there?”
“A good time? How is randomly kissing ponies a good time?”
“Pinkie seems to be enjoying herself.”
“What?”
With Rarity out of the way, Pinkie Pie had been free to make her move. Both she and Rainbow Strike were tangled together on the ground, slurping each other's faces.
“Augh!” Rainbow Dash's eyes bugged out and she flew over bite Pinkie's tail and drag her away.
“Hey! I only had time to kiss him once.”
“You shouldn't be kissing him at all! I can't believe you! I bring in somepony to look like a 'male' me to make you guys act all embarrassed but instead you can't keep your mouths off of him. What the actual hay?”
Pinkie stuck out her (somewhat whitish) tongue. The fresh peppermint bulged in her cheek. “Somepony sure sounds jealous.”
Rainbow Dash cringed. “Jealous? This is embarrassing. I've got nothing to be jealous of—augh!” Pinkie's tongue shot out and she nearly slobbered on Dash's face, who recoiled just in time to avoid it. “Hey, watch it. What are you doing?”
“I saw that look on your face when Rarity kissed you, Dashie. Don't be so close-minded, especially with yourself. It's a fun world out there if you're willing to open up to it.”
“And just what are you trying to suggest?” Dash narrowed her brow and huffed. She shook Pinkie Pie by the shoulders.
Pinkie spoke while Dash rattled her. “N-nothing s-serious, it was just a thought. Come on–” Pinkie giggled and batted her eyes. “–you look like you could use a kiss!” She stuck her tongue out again. “Lickey, lickey, you want a hickey~”
“No!” Rainbow Dash dropped Pinkie Pie and flew back.
“Mmm, yes!”
A chill crept down Rainbow Dash's spine and she twisted around midair. Rainbow Strike was cradling Rarity in his forelegs and the two of them had their lips locked together making passionate moaning noises.
“Not again!” Rainbow Dash flew over to break them apart and Pinkie Pie rolled over on the ground laughing. While she was there, she fished out a red peppermint from her bag and popped it in her mouth.
Rainbow Dash grabbed Rarity around the waist and pulled. Her eyes popped open and her lips stretched as she was yanked away from Rainbow Strike. The two of them popped apart like a cork from a wine bottle. Dash tumbled a bit in the air and Strike fell over backwards. Rarity smiled and waved as Rainbow Dash carried her off. Once Strike recovered, he smiled and waved back.
“Rarity, would you please stop kissing him?” Dash's cheeks were red. She twisted her head around, looking for something. Her gaze paused on a large tulip tree.
“I don't feel as if I have a choice in this matter, seeing as how you've carried me off and all.”
“You're darn right, you don't!” Rainbow Dash set Rarity down in the tree's upper branches. “And you can keep your hooves off of him until he leaves.”
Rarity wrapped her hooves around the tree trunk. The branch she was on bent under her weight. Dash sat on a branch next to her without bending it. “So, pony who looks like female Rainbow Dash, I–”
“Rarity, can you drop that? That joke's getting old and Pinkie already gave up on it.”
“Oh, she did, did she?” Rarity cast her eyes down, which was a mistake. She clutched the tree more tightly. “Well, no matter. This just means that I have two Rainbow Dash's to share my love with.”
“What?”
“Oh, yes.” Rarity giggled. “I can see how you care about me. You've clearly swept me away so that we can be alone together in the privacy of this tree. You know what this means, don't you?”
“Er...”
Rarity sang, “Rarity and Rainbow Dash, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I–”
“Augh!” Rainbow Dash burst out of the tree, which was laughing at her. Her face turned beet red. “Grr, that Rarity. Just who does she think she is?” A slurping, smacking noise caught her attention. Her ears swiveled around even before her body did. Sure enough, on the ground, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Strike were licking each other's faces again.
Rainbow Dash threw her hooves out. “Oh, come on!”
She dove down and forced herself between them. “Stop it! Both of you, just stop.”
Pinkie giggled even as she was forced back. “Hi there, Dashie. What do you not want me to stop?” She popped a white peppermint in her mouth and crunched it between her teeth.
“You know what I want!” Rainbow Dash glared at her.
“Tell me. Pretend I don't know.”
“The kissing, obviously. Seriously, Pinkie, can't you take anything seriously?”
“You want me to NOT stop kissing? Okay!”
“What? That's not what I–” Pinkie Pie jumped in the air and bounced off of Dash's back, who was knocked to the ground by the impact. All four hooves spread out in different directions. “–oof.”
“Incoming!” Pinkie's whitish tongue lolled out midair and the slobbering projectile soon had her tongue all over Rainbow Strike's face again.
“This is hardly fair,” the tulip tree complained.
Rainbow Dash recovered quickly and dragged Pinkie off by her tail again. Pinkie fished out a green peppermint to chew on. “One more kiss. Come on, just let me have one more kiss.”
“No! No more kisses! You've had way too much kissing!” Rainbow Dash kept a firm grip on Pinkie's tail even as she struggled to break free.
“Why not let the lady have what she wants?” Rainbow Strike put on a wide grin. His face was coated in reddish and whitish streaks from Pinkie's overly-enthusiastic licking.
“Dad!” Rainbow Dash shoved him backwards. “You stay out of this!”
Pinkie's eyes popped open. “That's your father?”
The tulip tree spoke up. “Uh, what Pinkie means to say is that you look so young that you could easily pass as her older brother.”
Rainbow Strike frowned and scratched at his mane. “Uh, thanks, I guess, though that's not actually something I'm proud of.”
“Oh, heh heh. I guess we never were properly introduced. Hi. I'm Pinkie Pie.” Pinkie reached her hoof out, but Rainbow Dash shoved it aside and got between them again. “Hey! I just wanted to shake hooves.”
“No! No touching! As soon as you touch him you'll be all over him again.”
Pinkie giggled and her cheeks flushed. “Well, yeah, but I still want to shake hooves anyway.”
“That's it. I need to get back down there.” The tulip tree rustled, followed by snapping noises and many unladylike curses. A large white object fell out of the branches and landed heavily in the rose bushes below. “Oof!”
“Rarity, are you okay?” Pinkie ran over. She wrapped her pink hooves around a white one and pulled the bruised unicorn out of the flattened floral garden. Rarity was scratched but otherwise mostly unharmed.
“I'm okay... I think. Ow, thorns.” Rarity frowned at her scratched coat and brushed her mane to get leaves and twigs out of her purple curls. At least her daisy survived. Pinkie spotted a nice red rose that hadn't been squashed and plucked it to decorate her mane with. “Thanks, Pinkie. I'm glad you didn't use me as a distraction to get around Rainbow Dash.”
“Doh.”
Rainbow Dash, for her part, looked apologetic. “Uh, sorry. I thought that branch would hold your weight. I guess I forgot that pegasus magic helps us stay in trees along with walking on clouds.”
“No biggie. I wasn't hurt, after all.” Rarity stepped forward with a slight limp to her stride. She favored the side she hadn't landed on. “...much. Besides, now that I'm on the ground again, we can have proper introductions.” She addressed Rainbow Strike, “I guess you know who we are, but It'd be nice if I could call you something other than Rainbow Dash's father.”
“My name is Rainbow Strike, and believe me, the pleasure is all mine.” He bowed.
Rarity flushed. “Oh, so you're both called 'Rainbow'. Did you name her after yourself or...?”
“Well, my wife's called Rainbowshine, so it's more of a theme thing.”
“You mean like the Apple family?” Pinkie asked.
“No family is like the Apple family.” Strike made a weak laugh. “It was more of a coincidence and we just kept the theme going. Besides, with all of those colors in her hair it's not like could have called her anything else.”
“True, that.” Rarity held out her hoof. “Well, I, for one, am very glad to meet–”
“No! No touching!” Rainbow Dash ran interference and blocked Rarity's innocent greeting.
“Really, Dash.” Rarity frowned. “It's not like I was puckering up.”
“You might not be, but I am.” Pinkie walked up to him. She stuck her tongue out to check on its color. It was greenish. “So how about it? One more kiss?”
“I'd love–”
“No!” Rainbow Dash rushed between them again, leaving Rarity free.
Rarity walked over. “Pinkie, who ever taught you to kiss, anyway? You kiss like a dog.” She batted her eyelashes at Rainbow Strike. “Let me show you how a proper lady kisses.”
“NO!” Rainbow Dash somehow managed to stretch herself to block Rarity without letting Pinkie by. “There will be no more kiss—hey!”
Rainbow Strike picked his daughter up and tossed her over his shoulder. Both Pinkie and Rarity winced when Dash crashed and skidded to a halt, eating dirt.
“Was that really necessary?” Rarity asked. “I know she was in the way, but...”
“Don't worry about it. I used to toss her around all the time when she was little.” He looked over his shoulder and frowned. “Though I guess that clouds are a lot softer than hard-packed dirt roads.”
“Eh, she'll be fine. She has worse landings all the time.” Pinkie glared at Rarity. “And what was that bit about 'kissing like a dog?' ”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Tongue everywhere? That's hardly proper.”
“Hey! I can kiss properly if I want to. Let me show you.” Pinkie puckered up.
“Well I can kiss properly better.” Rarity also puckered up. The two of them closed their eyes and leaned towards the stallion who was between them. He wasn't sure what to make of that situation, but he did have a huge grin on his face, at least until Rainbow Dash yanked him away at the last second.
She dragged her father all the way into a bush. “Dad, I can hardly believe you. How can you keep kissing my friends? It's so embarrassing.”
“They don't seem to mind.”
“They're like my age. I mean, ew. You wouldn't kiss me like that, would you? What if mom finds out?”
“I'd kiss you like that if you wanted me to–” He puckered up, mockingly.
Rainbow Dash winced and blocked her face with her hooves. “Ack, dad! Don't joke about that.”
He laughed, then his face darkened. “–and if your mother has a problem with this, she can tell me herself.”
“But she's not around.”
“No, she isn't, and I haven't seen her in months, but enough about that.” Strike rubbed his daughter on her head. “So, the reason that you came to me in the first place was because your friends were getting fresh with you like they've been doing to me.”
“Yeah, so?”
“I'm just saying that it could have been you they were jumping all over instead of me.”
“Dad! Not you too. Shouldn't you be telling me to chase boys?”
“Bah. I met the boys in your school and they weren't worth chasing. Those girls, and their tongues, on the other hoof, sure are something else, though.”
“Ew, dad, TMI. TMI.”
“No, seriously, those two have been kissing each other quite passionately ever since you dragged me over here.”
“What!?” Rainbow Dash burst out of the bush. Sure enough, Pinkie Pie and Rarity were tightly wrapped around each other while moaning softly and playing tonsil hockey. “What are you doing!?”
Their eyes both popped wide open and they looked at each other briefly before separating and turning beet red. Rarity and Pinkie Pie both hung their heads low as they disentangled themselves and avoided looking at each other.
“I can't believe we just did that,” Rarity said.
“Uh, I know we were supposed to be kissing Dash, but what does it mean when we kiss each other?” Pinkie asked.
“You mean the game?” Rarity asked. Pinkie nodded. “Well, I think...”
Rainbow Strike whistled at them and clapped his hooves together. Rainbow Dash just stood there with her mouth hung open and her wings splayed out.
“...I think it's a foul. We should stop.”
Pinkie frowned, but nodded. “Okay. I'm almost out of peppermints anyway.”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Pinkie, we each got a pound of peppermints. You couldn't have kissed him that much.”
“Well, all that kissing sure made me hungry.” Pinkie held up her bag. There were only two peppermints left.
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Speaking of hungry, I think, perhaps, we should offer our guest some supper. It is evening now.”
Pinkie grinned. “Okay, we can go back to Sugarcube Corner and we can even have a party if we want to. Ooh, let's spin the bottle!”
Rarity's blush returned. “I think we've had enough of that for one day.”
***
The doorbell rang when Pinkie opened the door to Sugarcube Corner. She kicked a doorstop in place and walked inside with Rarity shortly after her. Rainbow Strike came in next.
Mrs. Cake glanced at the blue pegasus with a rainbow mane and rummaged under her counter for a box. “Here you go, dear. One dozen cupcakes.”
“Wow, free food too? If I'd known that Ponyville was so rad, I'd have moved here long ago and never looked back.” He opened the lid and popped one in his mouth.
“Hey! Those were my cupcakes.”
Mrs. Cake did a double-take when the second rainbow-maned blue pegasus walked in. “Oh. Oh, my. I didn't realize you had family over.”
Rainbow Dash tried to grab the box of cupcakes, but her father kept it out of reach. “Nuh-uh! They're mine now. If you want one, you'll have to catch the airplane.”
“D-Dad!” Rainbow Dash blushed when her father pulled out another cupcake and started making airplane noises.
“Vroom! B-b-b-b-b-rrrr. Eeerrow.” He waved the cupcake through the air and shook it. “Uh, oh. It looks like we're experiencing turbulence.” He stopped waving it around and tilted it to face down. “Ka-boom! No! The engine! We're going down!” With a nudge to his daughter, he whispered, “Last chance if you want it.”
Dash buried her face in her hooves. “Sweet Celestia, please stop. This is so embarrassing.”
He flopped over on his back so that his head was on the floor and opened his mouth. He slowly brought the cupcake down towards it. “Help, we're falling! Won't somepony, anypony please save us! Aaaaaa—nomf.” With that, he buried the cupcake in his mouth and started chewing on it.
Pinkie called out, “Hey, it looks like his mouth has claimed yet one more thing that was meant for you!” She stuck out her tongue.
“Pinkie!” Dash's blush deepened and she folded her wings over the hooves that were already covering her face.
Rarity giggled. “Oh my. If you don't mind my asking, Mr. Strike, sir, how old was Dash when you used to do that?”
He got back up and carried the remaining cupcakes over to the table Pinkie and Rarity were sitting at. “She was hardly just a yearling when we first started doing that. Heh, she really loved those 'rescue missions'. I bet she'd still go for it even now if she didn't have an audience.”
“No, I wouldn't!”
“Hey, that kind of reminds me about how we used to roll rocks back at the rock farm.” Pinkie frowned. “Except, the rocks were actual rocks. It... wasn't as much fun as it sounded.”
Mr. Cake walked over to the table. He put on a smile and held out a little notebook and a pencil. “Welcome to Sugarcube Corner. Can I get you started on something to drink?”
Rainbow Strike set down the menu he'd picked up. “Say, do you have any of those whirly-ghram crackers?”
“Oh, come on, dad! Can't you see that I'm embarrassed enough?” Rainbow Dash curled up into a little ball.
Pinkie hopped out of her seat and walked on the table. “Aw, Dashie. It's not so bad. Be glad you have such a loving—huh?” Pinkie's hoof tapped on the tablecloth. Her ears flopped over and she gave a little sigh. “That was weird—a new combo.”
Mr. Cake frowned. Not only did he not have any whirly-ghrams, but he knew better than to stick around when Pinkie started twitching.
“Pinkie Sense?” Dash asked. She uncurled enough to look at her friend. Something bothered her about that combo but she couldn't pin a feather on it. “What do you suppose it means?”
Pinkie Pie had a glassy, far-away look in her eyes. “Um, I think I'm going to need a peppermint.” She popped a red one in her mouth and started crunching on it.
Rarity shrugged. That was just Pinkie being Pinkie. “So what exactly is a whirly-ghram? I don't think I've heard of that before.”
“Well, back at the cloud fair there was always this vendor who came in with ghram crackers shaped like helicopter blades on a stick. All you had to do was twirl it and—”
The door suddenly slammed shut. All eyes turned to look at it and there was a thud! as it bowed in from the impact of somepony kicking it.
Rainbow Strike shrunk down in his seat. “—uh oh.”
There was horrendous splintering as the next impact broke the door off its hinges and slammed it on the ground. In the opening was a lavender pegasus with poofy pink hair. She had a simple rainbow arc as a cutie mark. Her magenta eyes narrowed; her ears flattened against her skull, and she growled. “RAINBOW STRIKE!”
“Mom?” Dash asked.
Strike wilted in his seat. “Uh, hi, dear. It's good to see you again.”
“What's this I hear about your getting fresh with half the fillies in this town!?” She stomped over to him, forcefully shaking the ground with each step. The loose china in the room rattled.
“Wait, I can explain—aah!” She bit his ear and dragged him out of his seat.
Rarity cringed and averted her eyes. She pretended to examine the stained-glass window, which depicted a suspiciously pink pony bathing in chocolate rain.
Rainbow Dash bravely ran in front of her mother to block her. She held her hoof out and spread her wings. “Wait, mom. This is my fault. I asked him to do it.”
The snarling mare spat out the ear she was dragging her husband by only to twist it in her hoof. “I'm disappointed in you, Miss Rainbow Persephone Dash, but he should still know better than to–” She looked up at a reflection in the glass. Her head twisted around and she locked gazes with Pinkie Pie. She let go.
Her eyes lit up and sparkled. She tapped her hooves three times. Her ears swiveled up only to flop back down. She made the cutest little gasp. Her wings spread wide.
“What!?” Even as he was rubbing his sore ear, Rainbow Strike's eyes opened wide. The color faded from his face.
His wife lept and flapped her wings in one fluid motion that brought her halfway across the diner. Pinkie still had that same glassy look when they collided and rolled off the table and across the floor. Pinkie's eyes popped open wide, then closed. Their mouths locked together and they made moaning noises.
Everypony was too shocked to do anything but watch.
For the longest time, they laid there kissing. Eventually, their mouths parted and the both gasped for air. Rainbowshine's eyes half-drooped and her tongue lolled out. “Mmm, minty.” Pinkie flopped flat on her back.
“I'm so sorry about all of this.” Strike bit his wife's tail and dragged her off Pinkie and out of the shop. His hurried departure didn't give his wife any chance to complain.
Rarity's daisy fell out of her hair and landed on the table. “What was that!?”
“P-Pinkie, a-and, my mom?” Rainbow Dash's mouth hung low.
Pinkie grabbed a bunch of her mane and sniffed at her rose. “What a mare.” One of her hooves shook, and her ears flopped back again. She gasped. “Another peppermint!”
Dash lost a few shades of color as Pinkie fished her last peppermint out of her bag and popped it in her mouth to chew on. It was a white one.
The stained-glass window exploded and a lavender pegasus swung in on a vine. Pinkie rose to greet her at the apex of her swing and their mouths snapped together like magnets. Pinkie was already in her grasp when the vine swung the other way. Rainbowshine spread her wings and carried Pinkie away.
“Gu-guu...” Dash pointed her hoof outside. Her eyes twitched.
“Which way did she go?” Strike stuck his head in the hole. He was holding a swollen eye with his hoof.
Dash snapped out of her stupor. “Dad! Did she hit you?”
“Uh, no. I mean, yes. It was an accident. My head just got in the way of her hoof, that's all.”
“After that argument?” Rarity narrowed her eyes.
“Look, she's a student of tae kwon daring do. If she really wanted to hurt me, she could lay me out in an instant. Now's not the time to argue, anyway. Which way did she go?”
“She flew off towards the schoolhouse.” Mrs. Cake pointed out the broken window.
“Thanks.” He flew off after her.
“Tell her she owes us one door and a window!” Mr. Cake yelled.
“P-Pinkie, a-and, my m-mo-” Rainbow Dash curled up in a ball. She was nearly on the verge of tears.
“Darling, it'll be all right.” Rarity walked over to give Dash a hug. “I'm here for you.”
***
Cheerilee's smile was too large to be genuine. Her eyes darted around at the various shades of color dancing in the room. “What a... good job, students. Your stained-glass windows certainly are... creative.” This is the last time I try to save money by asking my students to do the work. “I really like the um, browns and the pinks in this one.”
Snips and Snails beamed. Cheerilee pointed at an ugly mishmash containing some of the least complementary colors in existence. It exploded.
“Yeeee-haw!” A lavender and pink blur swing through the classroom on a vine and crashed out the opposite window before flying off. The manes of the students whipped in the breeze.
“What the hay was that?” Apple Bloom blinked and looked around.
Cheerilee stared at the ceiling and tugged on the vine. She scratched her head.
A panting blue pegasus with a rainbow mane and a black eye flew in the first busted window. “Did you see which way they went?”
Everypony pointed out the opposite window. A breeze blew through the classroom.
He nodded flew off after them with a look of desperation on his face.
He needn't have bothered. It was already too late for him. Twist's lunch bag was now sans one green peppermint.
