Clueless

by CategoricalGrant

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance
Length: 3912

Wave Function is a brilliant scientist working on his fellowship at a Ponyville lab. He is the most observant pony in the whole town. When it comes to his best friend Dolce Tempo the Thespian, however, he's completely clueless.

When a violent rainstorm in Ponyville traps the scientist Wave Function with his best friend Dolce Tempo, will he notice the signs she's dropping? Probably not. He's a scientist, after all. Tertiary Protein Structures are way different than mares.

Published 2014-08-14 21:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-14 21:50:02 UTC

Clueless

Author's Note

Hey everyone. This is my first published fanfiction. I wrote it for my kinda/sorta girlfriend (our OC's in the story, of course) who is not a pony fan. But I was bored and I'm bad at Kerbal Space Program, so, here we are.
I'm not really looking for criticism, but if you have something constructive to post I'd welcome it. Depending on how people view this I may have more for you all in the future.
-CategoricalGrant

Clueless

A purple unicorn slouched in a clearly unhealthy position on his couch, manipulating a laptop lying on his lower stomach. He strained his neck in order to correct an uncomfortable crook he had developed.

It was the beginning of the weekend for Wave Function, and while usually he would have spent the night out dancing or seeing the latest movie with his friends, tonight he was more than content to relax alone and play Ponyvilization. It had been a particularly long week, with him logging almost twice the hours he usually did in the lab. Furthermore, he had to deal with the dregs of Academia criticizing not only his research, but also his published editorial on the impact of recent supranational elections in Prance. It seemed that only when manipulating an entire civilization of ponies in an electronic game that his decisions had force and his analysis of events was respected.

Wave Function noticed that with the heat output from his computer, the air surrounding him had grown several degrees hotter than he was privy to. He glanced at the window nearby in his small living room. His mind activated, wondering if igniting his horn or simply walking over and opening it would expend less energy. With all of the precise movements required in order to centrifuge solutions and run gels, he figured that it was best to give his horn a rest, and so sat up with and audible groan and placed his laptop on the coffee table. The large framed unicorn lumbered the eight feet to the window and struggled with the latch for several moments before pushing the window open.

Wave Function found himself closing his eyes in relaxation as a breeze of air slightly cooler than the room brushed itself by him. He breathed in deeply through his muzzle, savoring the sweet and fresh smell of Ponyville's evening air.

However, in the midst of his blissful reflection he registered another aroma, this one sharp and lively. His mind immediately began the task of processing the information. Ozone, he thought. I smell it, so it must be at a significantly higher concentration than normal at this altitude. Formation of ozone occurs only when sources of nitric oxides, volatile organic compounds or oxygen are exposed to a significant amount of activation energy. The only energy source that could provide energy to generate such quantity of ozone so close by would be...

Wave Function's eyes shot open, then slowly narrowed as he stared off into the darkening evening sky. “There's a storm a brewin',” he declared in an artificial Scottish accent he saved for only these sorts of occasions.

As if it were on cue, a rumble could be heard at that time from outside. Wave Function determined it would be best to close the window, and he did so. He did like watching the rain, however, so he decided he'd enjoy the storm when it came.

Wave Function flopped back onto the couch and began playing on his computer again. As the low pressure region created by the Pegasi stationed in Canterlot loomed ominously over Ponyville, Wave function remained silent, his eyes narrowed, the occasional unintelligible grumble about how the electronic version of Nightmare Moon was a jerk the only sound permeating the living room.

A few minutes later, the downpour began and Wave Function closed his computer to watch the rain outside. He felt so secure in his house, the torrential rain not bothering him in the slightest. The rhythmic pounding lulled the unicorn into a sleepy trance, and his eyes closed.

Ding...Dong...Ding...Dong....DINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONG!!!

Wave Function stumbled over to the door, mumbling something about imminent swift retaliation. As he opened the door, a soaking wet red pegasus filled his vision.

“I'm cold and wet,” she growled. She pushed past the confused Wave Function with a gruff, “Let me in”.

Wave Function turned to see the pegasus track water all over the entryway to his quaint home. “Nice to see you too, Dolce”.

His best friend Dolce Tempo was the only pony he never grew sick of and always wanted to spend time with. He was, in fact, overjoyed to see her right now, despite his rude awakening. He was only worried about being a gracious enough host after the week he'd had. He levitated a towel from the nearby closet over to his friend.

Dolce Tempo merely looked up at Wave Function. Confused, he offered her the towel again. Clearly annoyed, she nabbed the towel and began to dry herself off, with consistent mumbling. She started by rubbing her yellow and black mane furiously. Wave Function awkwardly shifted his weight between his hooves, not quite knowing what to do in his current situation. His friend looked up at him, “Do you have a mane dryer?”

“Well, I'm a dude, so, no. No, I do not”.

Dolce Tempo continued to grumble and dry herself off. She finally desisted after three more minutes of furious rubbing. Wave Function suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of pride directed toward his towels; she looked almost completely dry. The power of Germane engineering, he thought.

Dolce Tempo looked expectantly at him. He returned the look, not understanding what she wanted from him. Eventually, Dolce Tempo became irritated and revealed it. “Aren't you going to offer to let me stay here for a while!? That storm outside almost killed me!”

Wave Function stole a glance outside, where a large branch had impaled a vendor's cart and a small foal was blown backward by the strong winds, to his mother's horror and dad's annoyance. “Well, goes without saying. You're always welcome”.

His friend seemed, for a moment, to be unsatisfied with his answer. Then, she perked up. “Yay! We get to hang out!”, she cried, coming in for a hug.

Wave Function tensed up as she felt her hooves close around him. She nuzzled his chest, and let out a small “mmmmm” as the scientist pony placed a hoof around her neck and pulled her closer. They stayed like that for a full minute, savoring each others warmth and closeness.

At the same time, they pulled away from the hug, albeit reluctantly. “Can we watch a movie? It's the perfect night for it!”, Dolce Tempo declared.

“Sure. Go log on to your Hooflix account.”

The pegasus' face scrunched up slightly in annoyance. “Do I have to? Don't you have any good movies here?”

“Not unless you want to watch Star Wars or documentaries on failed states.”

Dolce sighed in defeat before her entire body literally shook with joy upon a sudden realization. “WE CAN WATCH FROZEN!!!”.

As if his next word was going to be in the top ten most serious things he had ever said, Wave Function's gaze intensified and his eyes narrowed as he turned his entire body directly at Dolce Tempo. He puffed out his chest, held his head high, and even took a step into her personal space to let her know he meant serious business.

“No.”

She, of course, ignored him and began to sing in her stunningly smooth voice, “LET IT GO! LET IT GO! I'M ONE WITH THE WIND AND SKYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!”

Wave Function loved hearing her sing. Dolce Tempo had a beautiful voice that was genuine art itself, and sometimes even put Wave Function on the edge of tears.

But he hated this song. And he decided he needed a drink.

As his friend continued to bellow out the words to the song, Wave Function removed the cork from a bottle of fine wine- an old graduation present- that he had been “working on” for some time and poured himself a glass. He took a sip, savoring the various flavors and floral notes of the wine before exhaling in satisfaction. It was then he noticed Dolce Tempo had stopped singing and was now looking up at him with puppy dog eyes.

“Can I have some?”

“Yeah, sure,” Wave Function reluctantly replied, pouring her a glass. She was the only person he'd share wine this expensive with. The unicorn inhaled through his muzzle deeply, enjoying the intricacies of his own glass of wine before taking another sip. He swallowed just in time to notice Dolce Tempo down her entire glass in a single gulp. Wave Function's mouth hung agape at his friend.

“Thanks, Wavius!” she chirped, before noticing the look on Wave Function's face. “What?”

“Th-That...This... This is a 200-bit bottle of wine, mare!” He declared, his voice rising at least an octave and a half higher in surprise, confusion, and anger.

“Oh...Sorry. Can I have some more?” she asked, with what Wave Function found to be an insufficient level of regret in her voice.

“No, you cannot 'have some more'”, he growled. He brought his front left hoof up and lightly tapped her muzzle in the manner of a disciplinarian. “Bad Dolce. Bad.”

The red pegasus tore toward him, placed both hooves on his chest and began to push, grunting. “What are you doing?”, asked the unphased unicorn.

“I'm wrestling you! I will prove my strength and obtain more of that fermented happiness nectar!”

Wave Function let out a hearty laugh before tackling Dolce Tempo to the ground, and rolling the duo over so his weight rested on Dolce Tempo's sleek red body.

She struggled for a moment but finally slowed her gesticulations as the realization of her futile situation became clearer. She sighed in defeat. Wave function picked her up and plopped her on the couch, and they began to chat about the week's occurrences. Namely, Wave Function's research and the rehearsals for Dolce Tempo's new musical.

As the minutes passed, both of them began to become flustered that the other had not yet initiated the cuddling that they both so enjoyed. They made simultaneous decisions to begin, and Wave Function slid his hoof around Dolce Tempo at the same time that she scooted so that their sides were touching and placed her head on his shoulder.

Verbal communication immediately ceased. Both let out occasional sighs and drew closer as the duo's legs intertwined and hooves were lightly traced on torsos.

“Can I be on top first?”, asked the scientist.

“Fine. But you know that I demand a pony pillow when my turn comes,” replied the actress.

Wave Function picked up his friend and laid her down on the couch before carefully crawling on top of her. Dolce Tempo silently admired the strength of her friend as he placed his head gently on her lower neck.

After a moment, Wave Function turned so that his muzzle was placed right on Dolce Tempo's elegant neck and inhaled. He was met with her smell; a pleasant scent he associated with warmth, comfort, and affection. He smiled into her fur (as it was by far his most favorite part of the cuddling experience) and gently exhaled onto her neck, as her hooves squeezed him slightly tighter.

The duo spent several minutes enjoying each others embrace before Wave Function spoke once again, this time with more authority, “Unfurl your wings.”

“What? Why?”

“Just do it.”

“No! You're going to do something bad or prank me!”

“What? No I'm not! Come on.”

“For the last time, I don't trust you.”

“Then I'll make you.”

“W-what?”

Wave Function pinned his friend's hooves above her head, and lifted his head so he was staring directly into his friend's brown eyes.

“I said I'll make you.”

He swiftly brought his muzzle to Dolce's right ear and exhaled hard. She let out an audible moan and started to breathe heavily, firmly wrapping her hooves around her friend's neck. Wave Function brought his muzzle to hers and stared into her eyes intensely as she stared back with exhilaration.

“Now was that so hard?”, Wave Function asked deliberately, motioning to her wings.

Dolce Tempo looked down at her now fully unfurled wings and felt her face heat up in embarrassment. She was about to say a bad word when she felt hooves pressing down on both of her wings.

Dolce froze as Wave Function moved his hooves firmly back and forth, massaging her wings that were so tight from her latest rehearsal. She managed to choke out, “wow”, before pulling his head to her chest. He continued to rub her wings as she hummed in pleasure.

Wave Function noticed Dolce Tempo had a few feathers at crooked angles. He wasn't sure if he had caused them to be displaced or if it was normal wear and tear. Either way, he figured that they needed to be fixed. He leaned down to her right wing and began preening the loose feathers using his teeth.

Dolce Tempo froze again as she felt him preening her feathers. It felt wonderful and she could feel herself blushing under her already red fur as he worked. However after a few minutes a thought came to Dolce, which she then vocalized, “can't you do this with your horn?”

Wave Function brought his head up to make eye contact with his friend and cocked an eyebrow at her. “Do you WANT me to use my horn?”, he asked, bringing his muzzle closer to her face.

She shook her head weakly. “...Not really.”

Wave Function smiled and busied himself once more.

After Wave Function had finished preening Dolce's wings, giving her a hoof and back massage, and brushing her mane and tail he relented and finally allowed Dolce to have her pony pillow. She had laid her head on his broad chest and wrapped her hooves tightly around him, swishing her tail back and forth over his back legs. He shook lightly with pleasure at each breath she exhaled over his fur. Their legs intertwined, Wave Function simply took in the warmth he felt emanating from her body and enjoyed the softness of her fur.

“I should go,”, Dolce whispered.

Lightning flashed outside and their bodies shared the rumble from the distant thunder.

“No mare of mine is going out in that storm,” Wave Function emphatically dictated, his voice framed by the pitter-patter of raindrops on the roof.

“Fine. But I want to go to sleep. I'm tired.”

“You can use my bed.”

“Can't I just stay here? I feel bad taking your bed and besides, I'm super comfy.”

“I'm not taking no for an answer.” Wave Function picked up Dolce Tempo and placed her on his back. He didn't see Dolce Tempo facehoof as he walked up the stairs with her on his back. It's difficult to admire his strength when he's being so stupid, Dolce thought.

Before Dolce knew it she had been placed on Wave Function's mattress. “Oh, hello bed.”

“Goodnight Dolce. See you tommorow.” Wave Function began to walk out of the room.

“WAIT!”, Dolce cried. Wave Function turned to her with widened eyes.

“What is it!?”

“Wh-where will you sleep?”

Wave Function dismissed her concerns with a hoof. “I'll use the couch. I've got pillows nearby.”

Dolce Tempo slid to make herself more attractive, laying across the bed and propping up her head on a hoof. “Isn't it, y'know, just...so...uncomfortable down there?”

“Not really.” Wave Function put a hoof to his chin in thought. “Actually, there might be a foldout bed inside the couch.” He turned to leave again, only to be stopped once more by his friend.

“I'm, um, cold. Yeah.”

“Really? The humidity's really getting to me. I thought it was too hot to sleep.”

“Mare hormones. You wouldn't understand.”

Wave Function smirked. “Are you going through Menopause, Dolce? You lied to me about your age.”

“Watch it, Buddy. Who's to say I'm not in heat?”

Instead of the blush and stammering she expected, Wave Function replied coolly and scientifically, “I didn't pick up on the pheromones and besides, you're off season.”

Dolce's mouth simply hung open.

“That's right,” Wave Function said, his eyes narrowing, “I keep track.”

Dolce Tempo growled at her friend's obliviousness. “Well, I'm still cold whether you like it or not.”

“Well, okay, I'll go turn up the thermostat in the hallway.”

Dolce's eyes narrowed slightly before changing into puppy-dog eyes. Her bottom lip slightly quivered as she whined, “But that takes too long!”

“I have extra blankets in the closet.”

“But that's not good enough.”

“I don't know, they're pretty nice blankets...”

“And I'm really really cold.”

“Well have you tried covering your head? They say that up to 50 percent of body he-”

Dolce Tempo had had enough. She stood up from the bed and barked, “Enough!”

Wave Function stared at her wide eyed as she continued to rage, “Why are you so clueless!? I spent all this time hinting to you that I wanted a romantic evening!”

Wave Function stood, stunned. Finally, he managed to inquire, “R...R-romantic?”

Dolce Tempo looked down. “I...I meant, 'emotionally intimate'. It doesn't change that you're oblivious to all but being shot with engagement rings from a high velocity cannon!”

Wave Function looked more confused that she'd ever seen him. “What...What did you do? I didn't notice any signs!”

Dolce Tempo started to get really angry. “Really!? REALLY!? Not me waiting to be invited to stay at your house after I almost died in that storm, giving you a chance to comfort me?”

“...”

“Waiting for you to sweetly and gently dry me off with the towel like a gentleman instead of leaving me to do it myself?”

“Oh.”

“Trying to drink enough wine to give me an excuse to stay here overnight?”

“...Oh.”

“Letting you preen me, which I have never before let another pony do?”

“To be fair, I thought we were ju-”

“Teasing you about my heat!?”

“...Well, I guess that one was prob-”

“Or how about spending the last 10 minutes even getting you to NOTICE that I wanted to sleep in the same bed as you tonight? Why didn't you notice? Do you not want to? I thought we were friends...”

Wave Function looked down into his friends eyes and saw only hurt. His heart lurched. “I'm so sorry Dolce. I'm an oblivious, rock-for-brains stallion. Will you forgive me?” He walked to her and placed a hoof around her neck.

“...Only if I get to spend the night cuddling a handsome stallion.”

“Is it okay if he's clueless?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, then you and I can work something out. Just, tell me straight in the future if you want something from me,”, Wave Function said as he winked.

Dolce pulled him down to the bed. “Deal.”

Wave Function pulled her to his chest, savoring her scent (his favorite smell), and the softness of the fur on her back as he ran his hoof up and down it. Dolce Tempo dragged her tail across his body and intertwined it with his tail. They hugged each other blissfully.

Wave Function looked down at the mare apprehensively. Her eyes were closed. Should I tell her how I feel? No...No. She doesn't feel the same way. She'd never want to talk to me again. Then again, she apparently was sending me sleepover signs the whole night and I missed them. Maybe I missed signs she feels the same way? You know what: I'm too tired to make his decision right now. I wonder if I can design a decision-making power boosting supplement...?

He looked down at his friend. He wouldn't tell her how he felt right now, but maybe he could show her just a little bit. He leaned over and gently kissed the top of Dolce Tempo's head. To his surprise, her eyes opened and she looked up at him, her head tilted. She moved closer and he felt himself being drawn toward her.

Their muzzles touched, and then their lips. It was brief, maybe 3 or 4 seconds (not many significant figures in that measurement, Wave Function noted), but Wave Function felt his heart soar as her soft lips pressed against his.

Dolce Tempo pulled away and whispered, “Thank You for letting me stay here tonight”. The rain was still pouring outside.

All Wave Function could do was gasp, “Goodnight” before burying his head between Dolce Tempo's neck and the pillow they were sharing.

They both tightened their grip on each other as they went to sleep.

The first thing Wave Function felt was the euphoric grogginess that always accompanied waking up from a night spent cuddling with something, or, for the first time in Wave Function's life, somepony.

The next thing he felt was heat. Then wetness.

He opened his eyes to find Dolce Tempo also stirring from her sleep. They were drenched in sweat.

“Gross,” he said to himself. Dolce turned to him and opened her eyes. “I told you it was humid.”

“Good morning to you too, Wavius,” Dolce Tempo groaned.

Usually Wave Function would just lay in bed for awhile. Today was not usually.

Wave Function shot up in order to free himself from the hot covers and damp sheets. When Dolce didn't move, he tickled her until she did.

“HAHAHA...HMMMM...NNOOOOOO!” She cried as he pushed his hooves into her sides just above her cutie mark. “OKAY! OKAY! I'M UP!”

“I'm going to go shower”, said Wave Function. Suddenly, Dolce Tempo had a plan to avenge her aching sides; she'd get him flustered by insinuating they shower together, then backing out, leaving him feeling like a doofus. It was the perfect plan.

“Aren't you worried about the power going out? We might only have time for one shower,”, she said coyly before tossing him a wink.

“Good point Dolce. Ok, you go and I'll shower later. Also, there's some saline solution in the medicine cabinet for your eye.”

Wave Function trotted away. I...He's...Whatever. It's not worth it, Dolce Tempo thought.

When she was nice and clean she walked downstairs. “Do you want to go to breakfast, Wavius?”

“I'd love to, but doesn't your weekend show start in half an hour?”

Dolce Tempo looked at the clock. It was 10:30. “Oh man! I'm sorry, I gotta go!”

Wave Function chuckled. “I figured.”

Before she ran out the door, Dolce said, “So, the day after tomorrow is supposed to be the first snow of the year, or so I've heard. If you were to happen to get caught in it near my house, because, say, you leave the lab at precisely 5:07 pm, you would be welcome to weather out the storm at my place.”

Wave Function's mind whirred for a moment before it hit him. “You set this meeting up too?”

Dolce looked down and sheepishly said, “I guess not everything goes over your head. See you soon Wavius,”. She tore out the door, making sure her tail flicked just a little bit too hard across Wave Function's muzzle on the way out,.

Wave Function smiled and sent a text to a friend to see if he wanted to go fishing later today. As he sent it he looked out the window at his sprinting friend and grinned widely.

He definitely loved that mare. And the best part was, she was completely clueless.