Chapters Shrek Singlehandedly Stops a Conversion Bureau Invasion
What are ya doing in my swamp?!
It was a beautiful spring day outside, even in the murky depths of a certain swamp hidden somewhere in the good old US of A. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and it was neither too hot or too cold. And Shrek was couldn't have cared less.
Inside the dark bowels of Shrek's home, the zombie battle of the century was raging on his 50 inch plasma TV. Shrek had long dreamed of making it past round 69 in Nazi Zombies and today was the day that he would. Shrek had gotten the farthest he had ever gotten on Der Reise, all the way to round 67 with his trusty comerade Donkey, or [NigT]DonkehDaddy69 as his gamertag would have you believe.
They were so close to reaching their goal, yet so far!
Shrek's hands were shaking and he was sweating like a dog, but he didn't care. There was no time for a break or a snack, not even a sip of Mtn. Dew or a handful of delicious onion rings at this point. He had made it this far, and there was no room for even the smallest risk.
Shrek was recording this session, too. It was part of his ultimate goal to post his accomplishment on YouTube and maybe even get recognized by come of the highest profile, big-name MLG clans like the N4GZ0mb1Es or the PhagSc0pers.
An enthusiastic Shrek shouted into his mic "Keep firin' Donkeh! We're almost at 69! We! Can! Do this!!!!".
Even though Donkey had no mic, he followed Shrek's command and showed no signs of letting up, but alas, a sprinting zombie drew too close and downed Donkey with 2 hits plus the splash damage from his Ray Gun. Shrek had always warned Donkey not to use the Ray Gun at close range, but since his other gun was an upgraded M1911 that shot freakin' grenades, he didn't have much of a choice.
"Noooo! Donkeh!" Shrek screamed into his mic as he rushed to revive his fallen ally, but as he ran, he heard a knock at his door.
"Can't ya let an ogre have his gaming time?! Go away!!" Shrek shouted in the direction of his door.
Another knock at the door was his answer.
'The nerve of some people', Shrek thought as he finally reached Donkey after temporarily escaping the undead horde.
"Dammit Dammit Dammit!" A frustrated Shrek cried "Fuck this game and fuck you too, person! He shouted as he angrily stomped over to his door.
" What are ya doin' in may swa-!" Shrek shouted as he swung his door open, but he was cut off by his own shock of seeing the three strange beings that stood before him.
Shrek was expecting to see one of his more annoying friends, or some idiot fanboys who tracked down his address for his autograph at his doorstep, but these...strange horses were obviously neither of the two.
The tall one standing in the middle of the group looked the strangest. She was a white unicorn, yet she had wings and a sparkling, multicolored pastel mane. Her two bodyguards, from the looks of it, were both clad in golden armor and were also white colored, but these two horses only had wings and were smaller than the tall one.
After a short awkward silence, the tall pony spoke up.
"Greetings, Ogre. I am Princess Celestia, bringer of the sun and righteous ruler of the land of Equestria. Would you kindly direct me to your nation's capital, for I bring great news to the unfortunate victims of your savage world!"
Shrek looked Celestia in the eye and said.......
Shrek Singlehandedly Stops a Conversion Bureau Invasion
Celestia fails her speech check
Shrek looked Celestia in the eye and asked "Whaddaya mean by 'Great News' and was it really worth interrupting ma MLG zombehs vid?!?"
Celestia got a puzzled look on her face and replied "Oh it most certainly is worth interrupting that savage bloodbath that you call a game for! I have created a potion that-"
Shrek cut her off and said "So you're one of those anti-gaming arseholes?!! You came all the way into ma swamp to tell me that gaming is evil?!? For the love of Mara, can't you anti gaming freaks go and get a freakin' life!"
Celestia looked even more confused.
"Oh, I certainly don't hate games. I simply disapprove of the type of game that you were playing, as I would not want my little ponies to be exposed so such graphic violence," Celestia stated.
"Then you and your little ponies can get the hell outta ma swamp if ya don't like Call of Duteh!" Shrek shouted.
"You don't understand", Celestia said "In a few years, this world will be full of my wonderful ponies living new, wonderful lives full of love and kindness! I have seen the heartlessness and savagery of your world, Shrek, and instead of sitting idly by, I decided to free all of your minds through ponification! Happiness can now be brought on by just a sip of 3 ounces of this magical grape potion!"
"Ponifa-what-tion??" Shrek asked, more confused than angry.
"Allow me to show you" Celestia said, and before Shrek could say anything else Celestia, her bodyguards, and Shrek had teleported away with him the the realm the ponies came from.
The next thing Shrek knew, he was standing in the center of a village full of colorful thatched roofed cottages with Celestia. Shrek noticed that the streets of this village were full of colorful ponies, some of which had wings, while others had horns and some seemed like regular ponies. Though "regular" by Shrek's standards applied pretty loosely to this strange place.
"This" Celestia said "is Equestria, a land where love is law and harmony is life. There hasn't been a war here in a thousand years, and everypony lives in harmony with each other"
"Ya know, this place doesn't look so bad", Shrek said. " How fast is the internet here, and what are the popular gaming clans?"
Celestia turned and said "We don't have any of those horrible violent video games here, or that thought-corrupting device you call the internet, only love and tolerance. And I will certainly not allow any vient games into my kingdom to corrupt my sweet, innocent ponies!"
Shrek continued to look around, and in doing so, noticed what looked like an orange pony in a cowboy hat and a unicorn with a blue curled mane getting into a pretty heated argument over a spilled cart of apples. He couldn't quite make out what they were saying, but they looked pissed at each other.
But before Shrek could say anything, Celestia said "moving on!" And teleported them away once more.
He noticed a hint of nervousness in her voice.
Celestia's next stop for Shrek was underneath a massive cloud. When Shrek looked closer at it, he noticed that this "cloud" was actually a city, full of many pegasi.
Celestia said "In my world, each type of pony has a special gift, and pegasus ponies have the gift of flight. They can touch clouds as if they were solid and control the weather. With pegasi in charge of the weather, Equestria has never had a drought or famine"
"Unicorns have the gift of magic, which they use to help the other ponies and make incredible creations" Celestia continued " and Earth ponies are natural green thumbs and are experts at growing food. Together, all three pony races live in harmony with each other and create a world of love and compassion".
Another flash of light appeared and then they were back at Shrek's doorstep.
"So what do you think, Shrek?" Celestia turned and asked him "Would you want your world to become part of Equestria? It's entirely possible though a spell I know and this potion right here"
Celestia drew a vial of purple liquid out of her saddle bag.
"With the pony potion, anyone can lose their inner demons and become a pony, human, ogre, or otherwise. I plan on establishing 'Conversion bureaus all over America and other places that will be sure to have millions lining up to become ponies. And I would be honored to have you, Shrek, be the first one ponified. What do you say?"
Shrek only laughed and said "Pfffffft! Like that's ever going to happen!"
Shrek Singlehandedly Stops a Conversion Bureau Invasion
Celestia looked at Shrek with a stunned face.
"You turned down my generous offer??" Celestia said "For what reason? Ponification can rid you and this world of all its problems! How could you say no to that??"
"Why would I say no?!?" Shrek replied angrily "Well for starters, ya came into mah swamp uninvited, ya interrupted mah MLG zombies strea, with Donkey, and then ya went on a bullshit tangent about why gaming somehow makes an ogre irredemebly evil and should be banned in 'your' kingdom!"
"And just what does this magical ponifa-whatever potion even do to ya anyway??!" Shrek continued "All ya ever gave me was some vague description about how it 'gets rid of evil'!"
"Well, since you've asked," Celestia said "The potion changes your body into that of a pony, but it also alters your mind. It rids you of your ability to feel any hatred or aggression, makes you completely vegetarian, and increases your love and compassion by a thousandfold. It also cuts testosterone production in males by 3/4, making them lose all territorial and misogynistic behavior. "
"So ya interrupted mah game to tell me that yer some batshit feminazi loonie who wants to castrate all the men in the world and turn everyone into a prissy little pony vegan?!!! I've even seen tumblr social justice warriors who were less crazy than you!!" Shrek shouted even more angrily "There's absolutely no way in hell that I'd drink yer panzie-ass potion. Go bother someone else!!"
"But I originally came here to ask for directions to the nearest city" Celestia said.
"Well, if it'll get ya to leave me alone, I'll go and get you a map", Shrek sighed.
The ogre turned and walked back into his house with a smirk on his face. After a minute or so of fumbling around in his closet, he came back to his doorstep with Celestia and her silent guards patiently waiting for him. Celestia's face then turned into a look of pure shock when she saw what the ogre had pointed at her.
For in Shrek's hands, there was no map. Instead, there was only a fully loaded Cheytac Intervention sniper rifle with red tiger camp painted on it.
" Ya should have checked yerself before ya wrecked yourself, lassie!" Shrek said as he took aim...
Shrek Singlehandedly Stops a Conversion Bureau Invasion
After months and months of careful planning and waiting, it was finally time.
Celestia had been watching the events in this strange, alternate world for years now, and had made her final decision: that she and her sister,Luna, would come and bring their gift of love and friendship to this strange land rather than watch its inhabitants kill each other. It was the only right thing to do, at least in Celestia's mind.
As she strolled down the halls of the extravagant Canterlot palace, she made her final preparations for her very first visit to the other world. She had her speech, which she entitled her "Declaration of Salvation", memorized word for word. Inside her saddle bag was a sample of the purple potion that her student, Twilight Sparkle had spent countless hours perfecting: a potion that would rid anyone who drank it of their inner demons and their bizarre alien bodies and reconfigure them into a pony devoted to living in harmony with others.
" Sister. It is time. I'm going to be gone for at least three hours, so that means you're in charge around here", Celestia said as she entered Luna's room. Luna already had decided that she would not come, as she had important royal equestrian duties to attend to.
"You're going alone??" Luna asked, surprised that her sister would be going alone to such a bizarre and savage place.
"If it would make you feel any better, I'll bring the two finest members of the Royal Guard to help keep me out of harm's way."
Luna's concern seemed to fade after that.
"I bid you the best of luck, Sister." Luna said.
"Likewise" Celestia replied.
The three ponies continued onwards to the royal balcony, and when they reached their destination, Celestia warned her guards
"While this teleportation spell will teleport us to this new world, I cannot guarantee what location we will end up in. Be sure to be on your best guard, as we will most likely have to ask for directions. Are you ready to go?"
"Yes, your highness," the two guardsponies replied in unison.
"Very well"
Celestia's horn glowed in a bright, white light and in a flash, and then, the three ponies were gone.
When they reappeared, the ponies immediately felt the cold mud underneath their hooves; it didn't take long for them to realize that they were in a swamp. Almost instinctively, Cloudfeather and Thundershield began to scout out the area. Within a couple minutes, they returned to Celestia to report what they had found.
"Your highness, the tree cover is simply too thick to fly over, but I noticed what looks like a cottage not too far east of here. I recommend that we ask whoever lives here for directions" Cloudfeather suggested to his princess.
"Then let's get to it" Celestia replied.
And with that, the ponies headed eastward into the unknown.
After a short distance of walking, they saw the dwelling that Cloudfeather had saw and continued towards it.
As they kept on walking, Celestia couldn't help but smell something unusual. The smell was faint, yet constant, and was steadily getting stronger.
It was the smell of.......... onions.
Shrek Singlehandedly Stops a Conversion Bureau Invasion
Celestia frantically tried to negotiate with Shrek, but it was futile.
"Please! We can surely work this out without without having to resort to violence. I'm only here to hel..."
"Ya had yer chance, and ya blew it, horse!" Shrek said. "Get outta my swamp and go back to tumblr!!!"
Then, Shrek took aim at Celestia with his Intervention, but her guards reacted swiftly.
"Get down, princess!" Thundershield shouted, and Celestia obliged.
"You'll pay for assaulting our princess, ogre!" Cloudfeather shouted as he drew his sword and charged Shrek.
But alas, he wasn't fast enough. Shrek quickly aimed down his Intervention's scope and fired. The .50 caliber bullet blew through Cloudfeather's head, sending bits of his brain flying all over the place.
Thundershield, upon seeing that his comerade had fallen, recoiled in disgust.
"You savage beast! Prepare to have your mind and body cleansed of all your evils!" He shouted. "Let this ogre have a dose of our potion!"
Shrek quickscoped him in response. "No thank ya, laddeh. I love being an ogre!!" He said.
Celestia's horn glowed with magic as she removed the potion from her saddle bag. "I'm only doing you a favor, Shrek! You will soon see what it is like to be a pony!" She said. And then, she threw the bottle.
The glass vessel went soaring through the air, heading straight towards Shrek, but just before it hit him, he sprang into action. Shrek jumped out of the way and spun around in the air a full 360 degrees. Then, Shrek fired at the bottle without even aiming down his scope, and against all odds, hit it. The bullet blasted apart the bottle and disintegrated the unholy liquid within it.
The look on Celestia's face turned from angry to a look of pure defeat.
"And this is the part where ya run away!" Shrek shouted triumphantly. He fired at Celestia, but just before the bullet hit her face, her horn glowed with a bright light.
Then, just as mysteriously as she had arrived, Celestia dissapeared, presumably to the magical horse world from whence she came. The bullet struck a tree behind where the pony princess had stood just a millisecond before.
"Glad that's done with", Shrek said as he went back inside.
But deep down, Shrek had a feeling that it wasn't over yet.
Author's Note
I tried to make this as in-character as possible. I hoped you liked it! :D