The Essence of a Pony

by Nic Whooves

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 3152

A detective is released from jail to work on a case. Follow his trials and tribulations as he tries to crack it open.

After 13 years of jail time, our detective has a chance to renew his title with this case: Ponies are missing, a celebrity was caught in the midst of this and he is the only one capable of figuring out who "done did do'ed" it. Follow our detective as he finds not only the victims and the kidnapper, but also what makes a pony whole.

Published 2014-09-05 00:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-05 00:20:02 UTC

Chapter 1: Bones

Chapter 1: Bones

Sticks and stones may break my bones….

A loud crunch emitting down the dimly lit hallway caused two guards to leave their posts and hurry to the noise. The ominous sound grew more repetitive, causing the guards to quicken their pace. As they came across the origins of the sound, they were dumbfounded and peeved. A brown earth pony was in an effort to remove the bones of his deceased cell mate out of the metal shackles. “What in Celestia’s name are you doing?” yelled one of the guards as the other one used his magic aura to illuminate the dully lit cell.

The light showed that the brown pony in question, had a orange mane with bits of grey creeping in the mess. “Well, I was thinking of doing some renovations to this cell. Maybe add a lamp in the far right here,” announced the pony as he waved a hoof to the corner, “and maybe turn these chains into a lovely fireplace mantle.” He waved his hooves over the area as if to explain it a bit better, “But these chains, well, had something in them.” He tapped on the skull of the pony, “So I’m taking his limbs out of these confines.”

“And what caused this sudden need for comfort?” asked the unicorn guard as the other rolled his eyes, “You’ve been in here as long as, well, as long as Princess Luna’s banishment.”

“Tis a lie! I doth stayth in this wrecked place for no more than a fortnight.” said the pony as he imitated one of the royal sisters, “Or has it been longer?”
The unicorn guard chuckled as his magic left the room, leaving only the one torch outside of the cell to illuminate the area, “looks like this one is off the deep end.” As he trotted away, the other guard followed after the unicorn. They started a conversation as it echoed down the hall, slowly fading to nothingness.

The earth pony gave a sigh and turned to the task at hoof, “The guards are being arrogant again. If they keep that up and start acting dumb, it’ll be the changeling invasion all over again.” As he was about to get back to kicking the chains, he noticed the corpse’s skull about to roll off. “Fear not, I will save you.” said the pony heroically as he grabbed the skull and jaw. He paused as he rose the skull to the air, “To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether it is nobler to love, I know not.” Once he finished, he set the skull down and resumed to his task.

“You know Shakespeare?” Questioned the skull as the earth pony sat down from a unfruitful attempt on removing the bones from the chains.

“Of course, William Shakespeare is a wonderful playwright.” said the equine as he rose the skull once again. After taking a moment, he started to chuckle, “We said his name wrong.”

“Indeed we did.” replied the skull as the pony set it down, “What does your cutie mark mean?”
The pony put a hoof to his mouth, “Have you been checking me out? I’m sorry sweetie, but I prefer my lovers living.” After he told a story about a pony skull ‘loving’, he got back to the skull’s question, “But to answer your question, my cutie mark means...” He looked at the magnifying glass cutie mark he had and pondered. You could see the gears whirring and cranking as he thought of the answer, “I don’t remember. I guess being in a cell for a while takes its toll on a pony’s mind.”

“Maybe you’re a detective.” said the skull as the pony dusted the cobwebs out of his eyes.

“A detective? Like the fictional Shertrot Holmes? What a riot you are.” chuckled the pony as he finished his job and tried once more on the chains. He paused as he held the chains in hoof, “By the way, didn’t catch your name.”

“I’ll say my name when I hear yours mister.” replied the skull as a shadow swam over it.

“I don’t even know what my cutie mark mean, how can I remember my name? It’s probably Silver tracker, Path blazer, or some stupid name to deal with,” he gave a pause,”What did you think my cutie mark meant?”

“You being a detective.” said the skull as the shadow crept closer to the pony.

“Yeah, that.” jolted the pony as he resumed his task. He stood back and looked at the awe of his mantle place created by the chains in his cell. He sat down and closed his eyes, imagining a fire.

“You’re Detective Clue! How does one forget their own name?!” raged the skull as a midnight blue aura surrounded it.
The pony turned and opened one eye, “And how do you know that?”

“Cause my sister hired you to find her lost student, Sunset Shimmer. And when your endeavors ended up unfruitful ,she sent you here in her rage.”said the skull as it rose into the air.
The earth pony chuckled, “Ah, seems like I know your name now. You are the mare in the moon, the evening jeweler, you are Princess Luna.”

As he stood up and turned around, there holding a pony skull with her magic was Princess Luna. With the dimly lit hall, her mane looked like the night sky, the stars in her mane swirled in the confined of it. her eyes cut through the darkness as she opened the cell door and entered the cell. “Greetings Detective.”

“Sup,” replied Clue as he walked to meet the princess, “That is how the little ponies are saying it now, right?”
The lunar princess gave a slight giggle, “Indeed. But enough with the formalities, I want to hire you for a case.” said Luna as she set the skull to the ground. Clue grabbed the skull and held it close to him, “And this case is in your area of expertise.”

Clue’s face had a devious grin drawn upon it as he set the skull down, “May I have my equipment back, and a study room to call my office?” As he asked for these, he put one hoof upon her chest.

“That and more Detective.”replied Luna as she removed his hoof off her chest, “I will let you get settled in your office before we discuss your case.”

As she walked out, Clue grabbed the skull with his mouth and headed out to the hall, after which he set the skull down, “Now will you be escorting me to my study or will it be one of those gold armoured pansies?”

“It will be one of my guards, Detective. Now if you pardon me, I must go to my sister for details about your case.” and with that Luna disappeared into the dark hall, leaving Clue and the skull alone.
Clue stood in the hall waiting for one of Luna’s guards to retrieve him. After some time passed, Clue gave a hefty sigh; “Looks like we’ll hoof it.” He chuckled as he put his bone acquaintance on his back and trotted down the hall. After walking for what seemed like an hour, they came across a door. Clue came to the assumption that that was there door out. Not because of the door had carved into it Exit, but the guard on duty. But this guard seemed different than the other ones he had seen. This guard has purple amour which looked almost black, which hid her equally dark purple body; this guard had wings that looked like they belonged to a bat more than a pegasus, but the most obvious reason this guard seemed different was.
“Evening Ma’am. Me and my amigo would like to get to our sleeping accommodations.” said Clue as he pointed to the skull on his back.

“Hello Mr. Clue, and yes I know. Princess Luna ordered me to take you to your room.” said the mare as she opened the door to the sunlit world of equestria. She paused and saw Clue was hiding his eyes from the sunlight that flooded the halls a bit too sudden for him, “Seriously? It’s as if you haven’t seen sunlight.”
Clue sighed and slid the skull off his back, “She doesn't know the half of it, right buddy?” He put the skull upon his own and trotted off to follow the flying mare.

~~~~

Clue was out of breath as he reached the bat mare, who was standing at a door reading a paper sign that read : Detective Clue’s office.

“Your name is Clue?” asked the mare as the put a hoof on the paper.
Clue stood up straight, “The one and only, miss.” He walked to the door and pounded his head against it, “Can’t. Open. The. Door.”

“Oh let me open it, you baby.” said the bat pony as she pulled the door open. Behind the door, laid the room. The room was empty except for the desk with a small lamp on it.

“This is, what is the word.” Clue turned to the mare, “Ah right. Dull.”

“Are you calling me dull too?!”, shot the mare as she stamped her hoof.
“No not at all.” said Clue as he went into the room. He moved the lamp a little bit and placed the skull down.” There. Now the room has character.” Clue turned around to see the bat pony, but instead his gaze came across a white unicorn, “May I help you?”

The unicorn gave a squeal, “The great detective Clue! It’s an honor to make your nom de plume into your wardrobe.” She pulled out two tape measures out of a case and went to measuring.

“My what?” questioned Clue as he peered over the mare to see the bat stumbling in, as if she got tackled by the seamstress.

“Your alias, smart one.” said the bat as she stood beside Clue, “By the way, that mare is a well known cloth maker. So, don’t insult her.”

“I won’t. And if she meant that, why did she talk about bird’s tail feathers?”
Clue was about to start to question things, but got interrupted by the seamstress. “Sir, I got your measurements.”
Clue moaned as he plopped to the ground, “ But I don’t want to wear a suit.”

“A suit?” No, no, no, I’m fitting you for a jacket.” beamed the seamstress as she trotted outside the room.

“You’re acting like a kid. Why Luna asked for you bewilders me.” said the bat mare as she tried to get him to stand up.

After Clue stood up, the seamstress came back in pulling a jacket rack with her magic.
The bat scoffed, “Those jackets look all the same.” She trotted over to the rack,weaving her hoof in between them “Why show the same thing?”

“The same?! I will tell you that these are not the same. Besides the sizes, they are made of different fabrics. There is leather, flax, wool, silk, cotton, you name it.” shouted the seamstress as she trotted around the jacket rack to the bat.

As the mares quarreled, Clue walked to the rack. He pulled one of the jackets off the rack and put it on, “This is nice.” he looked up and saw hats over on the top side of the rack. He removed his jacket and coiled it to act like a whip. He swung it at the hats and two fell off. Clue grasped one in his mouth while tossing the other one to his desk. He put the hat on his head and slid his hoof over the brim, “Just like old times.” He trotted to his desk and picked up the fallen hat. He laced it on the skull and signed, “That hat is better on you than it does me.” Clue turned to the mares, who moved their conversation from ‘How the fabrics looked the same’ to ‘How they affect the wearer’. “I’m ready director.”

The two mares had different reactions: The seamstress was looking at him in awe and amazement; while the bat pony seemed unimpressed and acted as if she had something better to do. After Clue go their reactions, he trotted towards the door. “We better get the rundown on our case, lets go!” said Clue as he spun around at the door. She gave a huff as she went towards the hyper Clue. Once she got to the door, Clue bolted down the hallway. She stood at the door and waited for him to trot back. He gave her a glance as he came back, “Shut it. Just show me where to go.”

~~~

“Your detective has arrived!” announced Clue as the doors to the throne room swung open. In the hall were only the royal sisters at the other end, and two guards. Clue and the mare then started their way to the sisters. As they past the guards, Clue tapped one on the horn. “Looks like the deep end has it’s perks.” grinned Clue as he taunted the guards.

The bat mare pulled on his tail, “Come on idiot,” she pointed her head towards the princesses, “your clients want you.”

“Yes mum.” said Clue as he lowered his head in glumness and followed after her.
The white, and taller, alicorn turned her head towards Princess Luna. “Why is HE here?” she snapped as Clue and the bat pony trotted towards her and Luna.

“He is the only one who was qualified to handle a case, such as this. Have faith in him dear sister.” said Luna as she leaned to her sister as Clue and the mare stood before them.

“Princess Luna, Princess Celestia; Here is Detective Clue.” said the bat pony as she took off her helmet. Her dark blue mane washed over her face as the helmet seemed to release it from it’s reaches.

“Wow.” uttered Clue as he gazed at her beauty.

“Beg pardon?” huffed the white alicorn as she beckoned his attention.
Clue noticed and ignored her, “Celestia, hush. I don’t care for you, but I am puzzled by this mare. How are you a guard?! Aren’t guards to be, i don’t know, mean or have a cold exterior?”
The mare turned her head as she spoke, “We are here for the princesses, not me.”

“But you never took off your helmet till now.” snapped Clue as he walked to her.

“Detective!” shouted the white alicorn as she arose from her throne, “Enough with your tomfoolery. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t send you to the mud my sister pulled you out of?!”

Well, Celestia, if you send me back, I’m sure your sister will just pull me out. After all, aren’t you both hiring me for this case?” stated Clue with a huff in his tone.
Luna stood beside Celestia, “Sister, don’t cloud your mind with hate. If it wasn’t for his notes on the portal, we would have never thought she went to that dimension. If not for those, we would be in a war with her army and equestria.”

“I am aware of the help on that case, but he also told classified info to the public. Information that no pony needed to know.” said Celestia, trying to control her temper.

“To be honest, I was not told to keep that case hush-hush; And if not for that, my notes would not be in existence or know the location of your, oh so precious, student.” said Clue as he walked up a few steps.
Celestia shot him a glance, causing him to retreat . Clue stood beside the bat mare. She leaned in, “So you found the portal to that weird world?”

“Human, not weird, and yes. Cause I asked questions and found the mare in question on that case.” said Clue under his breath as the princesses stood to attention.

“Mr. Clue, they are going to tell you your case.” said the Mare as she turned Clue’s head towards the royal mares.

“Your case, Detective Clue. There has been reports of missing ponies, but none have hit close to royalty, until last tuesday.” said Luna as she looked upon Clue.

“So three days ago.” flatly said Clue in a monotonous voice.

“Yes, a Miss Rainbow Dash was reported missing after not reporting to Princess Twilight’s conference.” said Celestia as she stepped down a level.

“Wow, wow, wow. Hold it. There are three princesses?!” asked the bewildered Clue.

“Actually, four. Princess Cadence has the crystal Empire.” said the bat mare with a hoof to the tip of her muzzle.

“Who has the what?” questioned Clue as he turned his attention to the bat mare.

“As I was saying,” shot Celestia with a stomp of her hoof, “Miss Dash didn’t show up for the conference, and Twilight wanted a detective or officer to investigate. So Luna found you.”

Clue’s face chuckled as he put a hoof to his chin, “Me? well, I need to be refreshed on Equestrian information, and since you don’t trust me, I need a guard.” Clue’s eyes passed upon the Bat mare, “How about Vic here?”

“Who?” questioned the mare as Luna gave a nod.

“She will be your guard and my sister will get the information you need delivered to your room.” said Luna in a melodic tone.

“But, I was only told to get him situated, not to be his baby sitter.” snapped the mare as she looked at luna, “You said that, and that alone.”

“Ohey. There is a reason I asked for you.” said Clue as he glanced at the Bat, “First it would take me too much time to figure out another guard; two, that time hunting for a replacement would delay the finding of Miss Dash; and three, I need an assistant for this story to be good.”

“What? I get the first two, but that last one is bizarre. How do you think this will be a story?” asked the mare, but in a unfruitful endeavor.
Celestia sighed before she shouted to Clue, who was half way down the hall, “Detective!” Clue stopped in his tracks and turned around, “Take notes.”

“Absolutely.” said Clue as he bowed to Celestia, “Hurry up Vic.”

“My name is not Vic!” shouted the bat as she ran after him.
The doors shut behind them, leaving the royal sisters alone.

“Luna?” asked Celestia as she sat upon her throne.

“Yes, dear sister?” asked Luna as she stood beside her sister.

“Why did you choose him for this case?”

“He has the skill, and has the potential to finish it without failure.”

“As wise as that was, it’s foolish to trust that mad pony.” sighed Celestia as she looked at her sister.

“Not as foolish as putting him to jail.” scoffed Luna as her gaze locked with Celestia’s.