A Short History Of Discord

by SacredSturgeon

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Princess Celestia
Length: 5963

Four princesses. One grand hall. One embodiment of chaos. Discord tells everything about his past - or at least mostly everything.

Their Royal Highnesses Princess Twilight Sparkle, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna gather for cake and tea with the living embodiment of chaos. Discord tells everything there is to tell about his past - when he came to Equestria, how he first met Celestia and Luna and how he attempted to make their lives harder - with some special emphasis on the parts that make Celestia vaguely uncomfortable. He loves those parts.

Published 2014-08-16 03:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-16 03:50:07 UTC

Chapter 1

In one of the great halls of Canterlot Castle, two royal alicorn sisters were seated at a table that seemed rather tiny given its grandiose surroundings - a hall of towering marble pillars, stained glass windows depicting the History of Equestria from the Second Battle of Rainbow Falls[1] to the start of the Great Discordian War[2], and banners containing the coats of arms of several dozens of noble families ranging from the obscure to the unpopular.

The two princesses were enjoying tea and cake, accompanied by their pets Philomena the Phoenix and the Most Honourable Tiberius, Margrave of Brandenbuck[3], when the doors opened. Two heralds played a suitable if uninspired fanfare.

“Announcing Their Royal Highnesses, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza of the Crystal Empire and Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville!” the heralds heralded.

“Ooh, such a grand entrance for our beloved Princess Twilight Sparkle,” said a voice, seemingly from nowhere. At that point, Twilight’s crown grew a face, before levitating itself off of her head and transforming into Discord.

The heralds played another fanfare. “Announcing Uninvited Guest, Discord Unrest McAnarchypants[4]!”

“Actually, in this case he’s invited,” Celestia said. “Anyway, Twilight, Cadance, Discord, please do take a seat.”

“Was he in your crown this whole time?” Cadance asked.

“Well, technically he was my crown,” Twilight said, “but otherwise, yes.”

Cadance looked at Twilight’s now crownless head. “Would you like to borrow a tiara? I always carry one or two spares with me for just such an occasion.”

“No thanks,” Twilight said. “I’ll can go without one for a while.”

“As much as it is a joy and an honour to spend time with my dear friends Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, and the blue and pink ones,” Discord said, “I can’t help but ask why you invited me over for this occasion.”

“Well, I was doing some light reading[5],” said Twilight, “and I realized that there’s not much information on Discord prior to the Great Discordian War. I’m hoping to change that, and what would be a better place to start than Discord and the two ponies who actually knew him back then? Most historians would kill to hear the story straight from the Draconequus’ mouth!”

“Why did you ask me along?” Cadance asked.

“Partially it’s to provide an outsider’s perspective,” said Twilight, “and partially it’s so that, should Discord decide to turn the tail of a random pony in this room into a large chunk of mozzarella, the odds of that pony being me are significantly lowered.”

“Oh, my dear Twilight, I would never do such a thing,” said Discord[6].

Twilight looked at her tail. It was made of cheese. “You just did,” she said.

Discord moved a talon across Twilight’s cheese. “This,” he said, “is gorgonzola. Your lack of knowledge about cheeses is truly appalling, Twilight.

Twilight sighed. “Can we just get started?”

Everyone poured themselves a cup of tea and grabbed a slice of cake[7]. “Right,” said Twilight. “I guess we might as well start at the very beginning. Discord, what was your early life like? What was it like growing up as the personification of chaos? What are your earliest memories?”

“Well, I’ve been around for a very, very long time. I don’t remember much of the very early days because a fundamental force of nature doesn’t have much need for self-awareness. But eventually life came along, beautiful, inherently chaotic life. And from that came intelligent lifeforms - well, perhaps ‘intelligent’ is an overstatement, though they sure do love to think of themselves as such - and they started asking all kinds of question about the nature of the world, you know, ‘how long has this been going on’, ‘what is love’, ‘how many roads must a mare walk down’, that sort of thing. Quite droll, really.”

“Then they started thinking of answers to these questions, of explanations for the phenomenons that occurred in the world around them. And then they started believing things.”

Discord paused to take a sip from his cake.

“Now belief is a very, very powerful thing. You wouldn’t believe just how quickly Blue One would be out of a job if someone could somehow convince everypony that the moon actually raises itself. Of course, chaos occurred long before there was anyone to believe in it. There just wasn’t anyone around to wonder why before. And the concept of fundamental forces of nature just went way over their heads. No, it just had to be a sentient life form, and one relatable to them at that - terribly self-absorbed, really,” said Discord as he admired his likeness in a particularly reflective chunk of tea.

“So essentially you came into existence because ponies believed you should exist?” said Cadance.

“Oh, not at all. I merely gained a body and a consciousness. It wasn’t just me, by the way. Have any of you ever met Death?” Discord said. “Well, I suppose you haven’t, given your vital signs. You’ll meet him eventually. I hear he’s really quite a nice fellow once you get to know him. Then there’s War, and Famine, Pestilence, Justice, Nature, Taxes, Fate, Things That Go Bump In The Night, Alcohol, Letters To The Editor…”

“I think we are getting the point,” said Luna.

“Wait, there’s a personification of letters to the editor?” Cadance asked.

“He’s been complaining to the Cloudsdale Gazette about the decline in morality for over three hundred years,” Celestia said.

“So what happened after you gained sentience?” Twilight asked.

Discord rubbed his chin. “Well, I suppose I found myself drifting through the cosmos somewhere. the details are a bit sketchy even to me given how long ago it is, but from what I can recall…”

===

Much has been written on just how ridiculously huge space is. A species whose brains evolved to find food, avoid terrifying monsters, and celebrate the magic of friendship just isn’t equipped to imagine such incredible, vast emptiness. Ruling the movement and evolution of the few tiny islands of matter and energy in this void were complex laws involving fundamental forces like gravity, magic, chaos and electromagnetism.

And suddenly, one such fundamental force found itself with a body and a mind. Well, this is new, it thought. I wonder what to do next? Maybe I’ll decay a few unstable atoms. That’s important. Come to think of it, there’s quite a few bits of quantum mechanics that I should oversee.

Discord spent the next three minutes tending to particles before he got bored and teleported to the nearest planet that had sentient life.

===

“And that’s how you got to our world?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, my dearest, dearest Twilight,” said Discord as he rubbed his talon across Twilight’s chin. “Did you really think this little world was the first to ever develop sentient life? Surely you should know better than that. No, I wreaked havoc upon thousands upon thousands of worlds before I graced yours with my presence. Now where was I? Oh yes...”

===

Discord sat on what had long been a regal throne of gold and velvet, but what was now an old magenta recliner with a few springs sticking out. He was juggling a number of powerful nobles, including the foremost monarch of the world he was on.

“What a terribly dull place this empire is. Centralized bureaucracy, efficient tax system, highly developed infrastructure, organized military… So very uninteresting. You should be happy with the improvements I made to the Schrawzn Empire. And speaking of improvements, you should really consider investing in some vowels.”

“You… You monster!” said one of the hapless nobles.

“Oh, if they gave me a Blurnican Ducat for every time they called me that, I’d be a pretty rich Elder God right now - or at least, I would’ve been had it not been for the fact that the entire Blurnican economy has recently been replaced with treacle pudding. Not my best work, I must admit, but passable, I suppose.”

“You won’t get away with this!” said another noble.

“Oh, hush. At any rate, I have already gotten away with it, and I’ll get away with it again and again in countless other worlds. Speaking of, I’ve just detected the emergence of a new sentient race somewhere in the universe. Apparently it’s built on friendship and harmony. Those are always the most fun to ruin and corrupt. There’s nothing like the joy of turning the deepest and most meaningful of friendships into bitter hatred. Now have fun without me! I’ll be sure to say hi to your descendants in a few millennia.”

Discord snapped his talon, and with a flash, he disappeared.

===

The four princesses were looking at Discord with a mixture of horror and rage.

Twilight was on the verge of tears. “H-how could anyone…”

Celestia draped a wing over her.

Discord looked vaguely apologetic. “I guess I may have been a bit of a jerk back in the day.”

“A bit of a jerk?” Cadance snapped. “Don’t you feel any remorse at all?”

Celestia draped her other wing over Cadance.

Discord sighed, and for a split second, a look of deep regret crossed his face. “I did many, many very bad things back in those days,” he said. “There are many things I have done in the past that I now dearly wish I hadn’t. If I could go back and change things, I would do so in an instant, but I’m afraid not even I am able to alter the past.” His bigger eye showed a faint glint of moisture.

“Perhaps it would be better if you continued your story,” Celestia said. The other ponies nodded.

“Fair enough,” said Discord.

===

Nopony knows for sure when exactly when Discord first came to Equestria, though the most popular estimate is some 3,900 years ago, based on a recent archaeological survey by the University of Canterlot which found some rather remarkable upside-down architecture from around that time.

Likewise, there have been some disputes about the exact location where Discord first appeared, though the most widely agreed-upon site is a small glade some twenty-one kilometres northwest of modern-day Cloudsdale, a location known as Detonation Dell which even today is home to some unusually combustible wildlife.

Both theories are, in fact, pretty accurate. Most ponies (and other sentient creatures) didn’t take much notice of a town suddenly turning upside-down or a vale becoming slightly more prone to explosions, largely because most ponies (and other sentient creatures) of the era didn’t have much reason to travel to distant towns, let alone vales[8].

After his explosive arrival and architectural innovations, Discord began his search for new ponies to corrupt - ideally ones who would prove to be more of a challenge than the ones from the town he’d upended.

“Oh, hello mister,” came a voice. Discord had often snuck up on others from behind (and occasionally from above, below, or inside), but to have someone sneak up on him was a wholly new experience. He spun around to face the voice, and found himself eye to eye with a white alicorn filly with a pink mane.

“My name is Celestia. Who are you?”

===

Twilight stared at Celestia. “Those were your first words to Discord?”

“Well, what did you expect?” Discord said. “Some heroic speech about ending the reign of terror I hadn’t even started yet?”

“She was still young and foolish,” said Luna. “We knew not what evil we were dealing with until much later.”

“All she saw at the time was a tall, dark and handsome stranger,” Discord said.

“Not that handsome,” Cadance said under her breath.

“Not that dark either,” added Luna.

“But definitely tall,” Celestia said, blushing slightly.

===

“The name’s Discord.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Discord,” Celestia said. “Me and my sister Luna were looking for some firewood. You haven’t seen any good firewood by any chance?”

“Can’t say I have,” Discord said. “So you have a sister? I do so hope you two get along well. There’s nothing quite like a good strong family bond.” He managed to hold back his ominous laughter, if only barely.

“Luna is the greatest little sister I could ask for,” Celestia said. “She’s smart and talented and she’s always looking out for me. Also, she’s standing right behind you.”

Discord turned around. A small blue alicorn filly was staring at him.

“Greetings!” Luna said. “Would you like to join us in our quest for firewood?”

“It would be my pleasure,” Discord said.

===

Celestia was making her way through the woods, occasionally lifting a branch with her magic before chucking it away. Discord was hovering approximately twelve centimetres above her.

“So you never feel any ill will towards your sister at all?” Discord said.

“No, why would I?” Celestia snatched up a thick branch in her magic. “Too damp. Anyway, I suppose we argue from time to time, for what it’s worth. Though even then I don’t feel any ill will towards my beloved little Lulu.” She hefted a large stick. “Too damp.”

Discord scowled. “Do you ever worry that she might resent you?”

Celestia levitated another piece of wood. “Too damp. I can’t imagine why she would resent me. There is nothing I have that she does not as far as I can tell.” She hovered another branch. “Too damp.”

“I can think of a few things she lacks,” Discord said. “Your radiant beauty. Your soft, melodic voice. Your wisdom and charisma. Not that she isn’t wonderful too, but you, you are clearly something special.”

Celestia was holding a fox in her magic. It wasn’t as red as her face. “Too… damp?” She stared at the fox for a moment. Obviously, she had been lifting things from the ground, and obviously there was a very good reason for doing so. Likewise, the fact that this fox was damp was evidently a problem. She wasn’t entirely sure why, but then she wasn’t entirely sure why she was levitating a fox in the first place. Slowly, she placed the fox on the ground again, albeit face-first. The moment she dispelled her magic, it scurried away.

She spent the next ten minutes staring blankly ahead, and would probably still be standing there gazing into nothingness had it not been for Luna breaking her out of her trance by running straight into her.

“Tia! Tia!” she said. “I ‘ound some ‘irewood!” In her mouth was a small stick. She placed it on the ground.

“It’s not terribly big, is it?” Discord said. “You know, a lot of big ponies don’t really see much value in smaller things.”

He looked at Celestia, who still didn’t seem to be entirely on the same planet as Discord and Luna. “I don’t like to tell you this,” he whispered into Luna’s ear, “but I think your big sister thinks she’s better than you.”

Luna gasped. “But she says-”

“Well, of course she wouldn’t outright say it. But I can tell by the way she acts and speaks. She thinks she’s your superior. Perhaps it’s understandable; after all, she is the prettier, more alluring one.”

Tears were welling up in Luna’s eyes.

“I trust you to keep this between us,” Discord said. “You’re not going to betray that trust, are you? After all, I might be your only true friend.”

===

“I have never wanted to throttle anyone as much as I want to throttle you now,” Cadance said.

“Really?” Discord said. “That was more throttle-worthy than the time I deliberately tried to ruin your day with Twilight and nearly got you killed by a giant worm?”

“Much more throttle-worthy,” Cadance said.

===

Celestia, Luna and Discord were sitting around a fire that was burning on a single small stick and a generous helping of magic.

“So tell me, what exactly are you doing out here in the wilderness?” Discord said. “Don’t you have a home to tend to?”

“We don’t,” Celestia said.

“We travel across these lands to guide the scattered pony communities,” Luna said. “These forests and mountains are fraught with danger. Whenever the monsters of this world threaten ponies, we drive the fiends back to their caves and dens.”

“We also seek to create ties between the dispersed towns and villages,” Celestia said. “Perhaps one day, all the settlements from one coast to the other will be united in harmony. I’m not sure if it will ever come to pass, but we will try our hardest to make it happen.”

“And I take it you will be the rulers over this united land?” Discord said.

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Rulers? Us? We’re probably the two ponies least qualified for the job. Who’d want to live under our rule?”

“Then why go through all this trouble?”

“What do you mean?” Luna asked.

“If you do not end up ruling this new nation, then how do your actions benefit you? What do you stand to gain from harmony?”

“Isn’t harmony its own reward?” Celestia said.

“And why should our actions benefit ourselves?” Luna said.

“You’re doing this because it somehow amuses you, then?” Discord said.

“Not particularly,” said Luna.

Discord stared at the sisters for a moment. I don’t think I understand these creatures, he thought.

“I think I have to use the little draconequus’ room,” Discord said, and with a snap of his talon, he was gone.

“Well, that was sudden,” Luna said.

“Isn’t he the most dreamy draconequus you’ve ever seen?” Celestia said.

“He’s the only draconequus we’ve ever seen,” Luna replied.

“Such a hunk,” Celestia squeeled. “I did not realize it was possible for a living being to be so amazing…”

===

“Wait, Celestia actually said that?” Twilight said.

“I am not sure how you got the impression that Discord would actually tell the truth,” said Luna. “Though admittedly his story has been mostly accurate up until the last few sentences, much to my surprise.”

“Anyway, he doesn’t have any way of knowing what you and Celestia said while he was gone,” Cadance said.

“Once again, I am not sure how you got the impression that Discord would actually tell the truth,” said Luna. “He was there all along. Though admittedly, he had us fooled at the time as well.”

“So how did the conversation between the two of you really go?” Twilight asked.

“Well,” said Luna…

===

“Well that wast Sudden,” saide Luna.

“Yea verily,” replyed Celestia.

“Saye Sister of Mine, canst I aske Thee Something?” quæstioned Luna.

Celestia nodded her Hed. “Thou mayst alwayes.”

“Thou wouldst not ever hide Thine Feelings from me, wouldst Thee?”

“Nay, I wou’d not. Thou art My Sister, an I wou’d share Mine ev’ry Thowt an Feeling wyth Thee.”

Luna sighed, relieved. “Thenne Thou doth not considre Thyself My Superiour?”

“Moast certainely not!” Celestia exclamed. “Whyever wouldst Thee thinck suche an Thynge?”

“Never minde,” saide Luna. “So what is Thy take on thys Discorde Felowe?”

“He is an Charming Gentlemann, an I lyke Hym,” saide Celestia.

Lunas Eyes lit up. “Forsooth! Is Mine Elder Sister developing an Crush?”

“Perchance that is the Case, Dearest Sister.”

“Hark!” saide Discorde, who appeared in an Flash of Lyghte. “I am returned!”

===

Discord pouted. “Wasn’t I supposed to be telling the story?”

“Weren’t you just inventing all sorts of lurid details out of whole cloth?” said Luna.

“Fine, I promise I will no longer claim that Celestia said certain things when she was, in fact, merely thinking them,” Discord said. Luna shot him a glare. “In any case,” he continued, “nothing terribly interesting happened that evening after that fateful potty break. In fact…”

===

In fact the next few days were fairly uneventful. Discord, Celestia and Luna trekked across the wilds, living off the land. Once in a while they would reach a community, though they were rarely greeted with much hospitality - ponies with horns were met with distrust in pegasus towns, unicorn towns viewed winged ponies as savages, and earth pony towns were prejudiced against both wings and horns, while mixed towns hadn’t yet been invented.

Discord continued to flatter Celestia during this time, which did much to foster her crush but very little to stir up feelings of superiority. Luna proved more receptive to Discord’s machinations; all Discord had to do to erode Luna’s fragile self-esteem was drop the occasional hint that Celestia was more likeable, more beautiful, more intelligent and altogether a better pony than Luna.

Despite that, it proved difficult for Discord to instill any strong resentment in Luna - it would take another 2,900 years for her bitterness to become strong enough to finally tear apart the bonds between the two sisters, and by that time Discord had been reduced to a lawn ornament. By the time his status as lawn ornament was (briefly) revoked, those bonds had already healed again.

===

“You’re comparing yourself to a lawn ornament?” said Luna. “I think you’re giving yourself far too much credit.”

“Looks like somepony’s sassy today,” Discord said. “Oh, whatever happened to being kind to others? I am hurt - hurt by your words.”

===

In the years following his arrival, Discord developed a strange fascination with the ponies’ world. Usually, he was content to throw a world into chaos, enjoy the show for a few days, if that, and head off to a new world. Only rarely had he stayed more than a few years on one world - usually a particularly orderly world that required extra effort. Yet on this world, he stayed for some four thousand years.

Nopony is entirely sure. Many a scholar has come up with potential explanations on the matter; one of the most likely theories stipulates that it has something to do with the unusual shapeliness of Celestia’s rear end.

===

Not a whole lot of ponies have seen Celestia blush. Those who have generally have Discord to thank for it.

“And yet,” said Cadance, “I cannot help but wonder if Discord does not experience a certain attraction towards Celestia.”

Discord scoffed. “Oh, and I’m sure you’re the expert on all things to do with attrac- Oh, right.”

“I have my doubts on whether the old Discord, prior to his reformation, was really even capable of love,” said Celestia.

“What makes you say that?” said Cadance.

“His heart was devoid of compassion. He cared only about himself and his own insane whims.”

“And yet he was capable of friendship. So why could he not have been capable of love? The latest studies suggest that at least 94% of those who are capable of friendship are also capable of love.”

“I suppose you’re right,” said Celestia. “And I suppose I know where the Crystal Empire’s taxpayer money goes.”

“I have high hopes for the new Academy[9],” Cadance said. “I’m sure it’ll be worth the investment.”

“Speaking of Celestia, Discord and romance, exactly what took place between the two of you?” Twilight said. “I’ve read a number of biographies of Celestia[10], and I’ve never seen any mention of any formal courtship involving Discord aside from idle speculation.”

“Well, for over fourteen hundred years, absolutely nothing took place,” said Celestia. I frequently tried to initiate courtship rituals with him, and he was never interested.”

“Perhaps,” said Luna, “it had something to do with the fact that I was the principal architect behind these attempts at bringing Discord and Celestia together. If he had ever said yes, it would’ve been a tremendous boost for my self-esteem.”

“And perhaps,” said Discord, “it had something to do with the fact that you ponies have the most boring courtship rituals ever.”

“Though I’m afraid,” said Celestia, “that it mostly had something to do with the fact that you couldn’t find a way to sideline Luna.”

“Of course, all that changed when my sister and I ascended the Equestrian throne,” said Luna. “Suddenly, driving us apart was no longer some little game you played for your own sick amusement, but an operation that could change the fate of the world.”

“I still had Celestia wrapped around my talon,” Discord said. “You know what a charmer I can be.”

“I do, actually,” Cadance said. “And I am forced to wonder: Auntie Celestia, what in Harmony’s name were you thinking?”

“You should know,” Celestia said. “You’re the expert on the matter.”

“At any rate, I decided to ask for her hoof in marriage,” Discord said. “But only under my terms.”

“Terms which were specifically designed to minimize contact between me and my sister,” said Luna.

“Terms which I did not accept,” Celestia said.

“We spent much of the following millennium quarrelling,” Discord said.

“Sister was still convinced Discord was fundamentally good,” said Luna.

“Anyone can be blinded by love,” Cadance said.

“Though the fact that I’d hypnotized everypony at her court to speak on my behalf probably helped too,” Discord said.

“And then, almost three millennia after we’d first met, he came to me with a marriage proposal without any terms attached,” Celestia said.

“I’d decided it was time to change tactics,” Discord said. “I couldn’t get rid of Blue One as part of the marriage deal, so I figured I’d get rid of her after marrying Celestia instead.”

===

“And so I hereby humbly offer my paw in marriage,” Discord said, kneeling before one of the two thrones of the Royal Sisters.

“And I must reject your offer,” Celestia said. “We have done nothing but quarrel in the past thousand years. I love you dearly, but I’m worried that we just aren’t right for one another - at least not yet.”

“You reject my marriage proposal?” Discord twitched. “Well fine! See if I care! I can find someone twice as beautiful without even trying! You’ve just missed your chance to marry the most eligible bachelor in all of Equestria!”

He teleported to the door, slammed it closed so hard the paint changed colour, then teleported far, far away, leaving behind a silent throne room. Celestia let out a deep sigh. Without saying a word, Luna wrapped her wings around her sister.

===

“What was I thinking, trying to marry that goody-two-shoes stick-in-the-mud pony!” Discord said, as he hovered in the heavens above Equestria. “Well I’ll just have to show them what happens when you reject my demands! It’s time to do what I should’ve done millennia ago!”

He snapped his talons.

Pink clouds started forming around him. Far below him, the hills from a lush green to a glaring magenta checkerboard pattern. The sky turned green, chunks of earth floated up into the sky, chocolate rain began to pour down, and strange creatures appear from nowhere.

Discord laughed.

“It’s time for chaos.”

===

“Wait, you didn’t get what you wanted so you just doomed the entire world?” Twilight said.

“Have I ever made an official apology for that?” Discord said. “I should probably make an official apology for that.”

“Honestly, Twilight, I’ve had a dozen boyfriends just like that back before I met Shiny,” Cadance said. “Well, minus the omnipotence, anyway. Trust me, you get used to it after a while.”

===

A guard came running into the throne room. “Your majesties! The entire Whitetail Woods region has been transformed! The very laws of reality seem to no longer apply! And we’ve spotted Discord in the middle of it all!”

Mere minutes later, the two princesses were at the scene.

“Discord!” Celestia said.

“Why if it isn’t my dear Princess Celestia,” Discord said. “Oh, and I see you brought along Blue One. I’m making some excellent chaos here. Feel free to enjoy.”

He snapped his talon. Several thousands of toads rained down on the princesses.

“Why are you doing this, Discord?” Celestia said.

“Oh, my dear, sweet Princess Celestia. The reason I am doing this is because I feel like it. Why else would I do it? Now would you care for some chocolate milk? I hear it’s good for the bones.”

“You have to put an end to this madness! Please! Because if you don’t… If you don’t we’ll be forced to stop you.”

“Oh, I’ve heard speeches like that so many times before. You do not want to know what happened to the last being to make a speech like that at me.”

“This is your last chance, Discord,” said Celestia. “Give up now, or-”

Discord snapped his talon.

“Honk,” Celestia said. “Honk honk!”

“Tia!” Luna said. “Are you all right?”

“Honk,” Celestia replied.

Luna grimaced. “You will pay for this, you cur!”

She fired a beam of magic energy at Discord, who dodged it without effort.

“I can’t believe I spent so much time on this world. You’re exactly like every other race in the universe.” Discord snapped his talon. Luna’s wings disappeared, and she fell from the sky.

“Honk!” Celestia cried, diving after her sister. She barely managed to catch her before she hit the ground, managing a crude crash-landing.

“How long do you figure his magic remains in effect?” Luna said.

“Probably not too honk,” Celestia said.

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Luna said. “Once my wings return, we do a flyover of the area to scan for any ponies that might not have managed to flee the area. We evacuate anypony we come across. Then, we shall make this fiend taste the true power of the Rulers of the Day and Night.

Two minutes later, they were airborne again. The swept over the area in seconds, too fast for even Discord to react.

“All clear,” Celestia said.

“All clear here too,” Luna replied.

“Then let us make that monster pay!”

The two alicorns soared at Discord.

Celestia banked to the left. “Solar Flare!”

Luna banked to the right. “Meteor Storm!”

A lance of pure light shot from Celestia’s horn directly at Discord. At the same time, dozens of shining orbs rained down from the sky, converging on Discord’s location.

For a few seconds, brilliant light eclipsed everything. The light gave way to dust clouds. The dust clouds dispersed, leaving a scarred landscape.

“We really must learn not to shout the name of the attack we are about to use,” Luna said. “It gives away the element of surprise.”

“Is he gone?” Celestia said. “Is it over? Is Discord honk?”

Discord materialized in midair, with nary a scratch. “It’s always so cute when they think they can actually beat me,” he said. “They don’t generally like what happens next.”

“He’s too strong,” Luna said. “Retreat!”

The two alicorns took wing, returning home in disgrace.

Discord was left alone, laughing.

===

“And that’s how I conquered Equestria,” Discord said.

“I do believe there’s still more to your tale,” said Luna.

“Personally, I’m all for ending the story here,” said Discord. “Don’t you think it’s an uplifting ending?”

All four ponies frowned at him.

“Oh, fine, I’ll tell you what happens next. But it’s not a very good ending.”

===

Celestia and Luna were facing down Discord again.

“Play time is over for you, Discord,” Celestia said.

Discord feasted on a talonful of plunderseeds. “Oh, I doubt that,” he said. “Hungry?” He offered the bag of plunderseeds to the princesses, who ignored him. “Suit yourselves.”

The princesses levitated the Elements of Harmony out of their saddlebags.

“Oh, what have we got here?” Discord said.

“The Elements of Harmony,” Celestia said.

The Elements produced a sphere of purple light surrounding the princesses.

“With them, we shall defeat you,” Luna said.

Discord merely laughed at them. “You should see yourselves right now. The expressions on your face. So intense! So sure of yourselves!”

A rainbow-coloured beam burst from the Elements, arcing through the sky towards Discord.

“Hilarious!” he said, mere moments before the beam hit him.

Seconds later, Discord was turned to stone.

===

“Well that was somewhat anticlimactic,” Cadance said.

“I told you it wasn’t a very good ending,” said Discord.

“Well, I’ve learned a lot,” Twilight said. “Thanks for all the new insights, everypony. I’ll make sure to get everything published in the Canterlot Journal of History.

“I have to admit, it’s been interesting,” Cadance said. “Perhaps we should have another get-together like this at some point soon.”

“For what it’s worth, I did enjoy telling my story,” Discord said. “Anyway, I’d best be off. I heard Prince Blueblood is visiting the east wing of the castle in a few minutes. It would be a shame if there wasn’t at least one floor made of soap when he enters.”

He snapped his talon, and disappeared.

“Well, I’d best be getting back to Ponyville,” Twilight said. “I have a paper to write.” With that, she got up and left.

“And I’d best return to the Crystal Empire,” Cadance said. She turned to leave, only to realize that her tiara had been replaced by a small number of blueberries. She pointedly ignored it, and strode out of the hall with her head held high.

“So, east wing?” Luna said.

“East wing it is,” Celestia said.

Author's Note

[1] The only battle in the War of the Rocky Outcrop, fought some two hundred years before the Unification of the Pony Tribes, between the Pegasus Dominion and the Clan Grimtalon griffons over control of a small chunk of rock between their respective territories. Shortly after the battle (an inconclusive and somewhat embarrassing affair that saw no great losses on either side because, due to a major iron shortage, each army only had six spears) a truce was declared on account of the fact that the point of contention between the two realms had, in fact, crumbled during a freak earthquake.

[2] A depiction described by one commentator as “absolutely tacky, and yet another clear example of history being written by the winners. Not a moment’s consideration for all the beautiful chaos that was lost, and they didn’t even bother getting my good side in those windows.

[3] While Celestia had long ago come to terms with the fact that Equestria’s nobility is utterly out of touch with the concerns of other ponies, disturbingly obsessed with lineage, and terrifyingly incompetent, Luna hadn’t been quite so accepting. The idea of granting her pet opossum a noble title had been the result of a lively discussion about the flaws of Equestria’s aristocracy with her sister one midsummer evening, culminating in an exasperated (and quite possibly drunk) Luna exclaiming that “my Ickle-Diddy-Widdle-Tibble-Kins could do everything they do and he’d do it without the self-absorbed pompous attitude”. The move did much to endear her to the common ponies, who generally didn’t hold the nobility in a very high esteem, though the reaction of the upper crust of Equestrian society was rather more mixed; the Duchess of Aquimane and the Marquis of Saddlesbury both wrote very strongly-worded letters condemning the appointment of the new Margrave, while the Viscountess of Fillimoges and the Countess of Trotferrat both requested Tiberius’ claw in marriage.

[4] Discord’s full name was rarely used, mostly because he had a habit if changing it whenever he felt like it.

[5] A Complete History of Ponykind Prior to the Founding of the Equestrian Nation by Dr. Dusty Old Books and Prof. Ancient Secret, Vol. I-IV, first print

[6] Who had just changed his name to Discord Q Von Turbulenz.

[7] Except for Discord, who poured a slice of cup and grabbed himself a cake of tea. Cadance tried acting aghast at this violation of the rules of nature, but she’d gotten so used to it that she wasn’t really fooling anyone. The other ponies didn’t even bother.

[8] “Distant” meaning as much as “cannot be seen from the roof of my dwelling”.

[9] Princess Cadance’s Academy of Love Studies, located in a recently renovated wing of the Crystal Palace. More than a few pubescent colts and fillies tried altogether far too hard to see what happened inside only to be bitterly disappointed.

[10] The number in question being 218