Fly! Up, around, down! Wings strong! Smell like coals. Still mother-warm.
See white-yellow-red. Blink. See yellow-red. Blink. See red. Blink.
See old room again!
Swoop. Land on big shiny chair. Preen. Preen. Ashes fall. New feathers bright red! New Philomena!
Happy birthday, me!
Bright! What bright?
Blink. Cock head sideways. Blink.
White like cream. White like… cold water flakes?
Shake head hard! Strange old memories hurt.
Pretty pony. So bright.
Hot white like happy. White like smiles. Bright like… power.
Hop off perch. Flap, flap, legs out, grab fur. Soft like feathers. White. Warm breath! Pretty smile. Friend? Food-giver?
Peck pony. It shouts?
It laughs!
Friend. Old friend.
Nod. Hop, hop, hop to top of pretty pony’s head.
Turn head left. Turn head right.
Dark pony!
Dark pony coming closer. Dark like whispers. Dark like tricks. Dark like night. Wide eyes. Smells like thunder and lonely.
Jump, flap, flap, down to dark pony’s feet.
Dark pony puts out a hoof. Hop on hoof.
Hoof goes down. Dark pony puts out another hoof. Hop on hoof.
Hoof goes down. Dark pony puts out another hoof. Hop on hoof. Good game, good game!
Bite hoof. Pony shouts?
It shouts! Loud! Jump, flap, flap, flap away!
It dances and shouts! Shouts dark like a cave, dark like a storm.
Old old old friend! Much fun. Many good games. Gone long. Back now!
All friends come back and back again. Like Philomena. Nod. Nod.
White pony, dark pony, laughing, shouting.
Noise—bam, bam! Big wood board bangs and bangs. Square and tall. Is called—Door!
Door open!
Hurry hurry! Goodbye, white pony! Goodbye, dark pony! Dive, peck dart—
Out!
Ponies?
Ponies!
Shiny shiny yellow heads! Shiny yellow backs! Shiny-hard like lion’s claw, like eagle’s beak, like courage. Smell like patience.
Long pointy sticks—bad for sitting. Bad.
Land on shiny back. Awk! Slip! Slide! Grab hair with beak!
Pony shout?
Pony does not shout.
Peck shiny head. Bang! Bang! Pretty shiny sound.
Pony does not shout.
Bite ear. Pony shout?
Pony does not shout.
Old quiet standing-still friend! Many games we play.
Hop, hop to top of pony’s head. Dip head down to claws. Look pony in eye. See sharp beak, pony?
Pony shuts eyes!
Wait. Wait. Hush. Still. Wait. Watch.
Pony opens eyes! Pony shuts eyes!
Wait.
Wait. Wait quiet.
Wait.
Pony opens eyes! Pony shuts eyes!
Step left, step left—soft, soft. Open wings—slow, slow. No jumping, no flapping. Fall off. Glide away—quiet, quiet. Look back.
Pony’s eyes still shut! Good game, good game!
Fly quiet. Pony still playing game.
Bright light, high above. Up. Up. New smells. Cool wind. Wind, wind—window!
Window good! Out, out!
New place, very big, very very big! Blue, bright light at top. Hot! Hot and bright as pretty white pony! Fly up, up!
Window falls down, down. Tiny ponies underneath. Look small enough to eat.
(Aren’t.)
Big stone beside Philomena goes up, up and down, down. Tiny tiny ponies at the bottom. Ponies at top?
Little birds scatter, above, left, below. Bright light far away. Up, up!
Up!
Bright light far away.
Up.
Bright light far away.
Up.
Up?
No ponies on top of big stone. Bright light far away.
Far.
Land on rock. Look. Down, down, all around. Green, green like quiet, green like slow. Light green like grass. Dark green like lost.
Brown! Dark brown like mud. Light brown like seed-beds.
Ponies! Ponies in the brown. Down!
Fold in feathers. Wind whips whiskers! Fall, fall like stone!
Fold out feathers. Wind tugs wings! Glide, glide like snake! Tasty, tasty snake.
Ponies below. Two, three, four, many. Friends?
Find out.
Dive! Dive at ponies!
Ponies scatter! Ki-ri! Good game!
Pull up, claws out, grab pole. Look. Listen.
Hear shrieks. Hear shouts. Hear whistling through the air. Duck!
It missed! Ki-ri!
Hear giggles! Cock head. Listen.
Sounds pink!
Blink.
Brown and orange, not pink and pink. Brown like clown’s wig. Orange like exciting. Big eyes like eager.
Flap, flap over to not-pink pony. Old friend?
Sniff.
Smells like confetti and smiles and caring and cotton candy!
Pony puts out a hoof. Bite hoof.
Pony giggles!
Old friend! Newborn old friend. Same, but not same. Like Philomena.
Happy birthday, silly new old friend!
Fly after new old friend. Many games. Many smiles.
Hot light goes away. Cool light comes out. Brown hair makes good nest. Sleep.
Hot light comes back. Hello, old friend. Remember Philomena?
Hot light is silent.
Flap, flap. Up, up. More big wooden nests. More old friends?
Find out.
Ki-ri! Ponies scatter again!
Land. Look. Listen.
Hear cries. Hear shouts.
Hear whining. Pretty white pointy pony! Old friend?
Find out. Land in hair. Tug, tug hair, like pulling worms. Hop, flap, quick away!
Pony screams and clutches head!
Pony points a hoof at me and shakes it!
Old friend?
Hop closer. Cock head. Look.
Pointy pony is combed and curled like hard work. Moves like fancy. Smells like clean.
Old friend! Caw!
Pointy pony’s hair is pink and purple-pink, not just purple.
New old friend! Happy birthday! How else is new old friend different?
Dodge hairbrush. New old friend throws better. Learn more later. Flap, flap away!
Hot light goes away. Cool light comes out.
Big old tree is gone. Goodbye, old friend. Find new big old tree. No ponies in it. Apples.
Sleep.
Bam! Bam! Tree shakes! Apples fall! Flap, flap away!
Look down. Pony!
Tree-kicking old friend?
Old friend looks up, mouth open. Hat gone! Old friend is yellow now. Red hair.
Shiny thing in hair! Must have.
Old friend grabs shiny thing! Let go, old friend!
Awk! Fall and tumble! Old friend is strong. This old friend is always strong.
Old friend jumps back like mouse. Plants its feet. Leans at me like dog.
It’s only me, old friend!
New old friend doesn’t remember.
Land on bucket. Grab. Lift. Apples escape! Apples roll left, roll right. Roll, apples, roll! Good game! Remember?
Old friend glares. Old friend sighs. Old friend falls like apple.
Cock head. Good game?
Old friend cries. Sad old friend.
Old friend has changed. Big change. Scary. Flap, flap away.
Hot bright light hurries overhead. Changing.
Stop, bright light. Stop changing.
Bright light is silent.
Bright light goes. Cool light comes.
Can’t sleep.
Old friends don’t remember me.
New old friends never remember me. All old friends come back again always, and never. Awk.
Philomena remembers me?
Remember flying. Remember diving. Remember biting. Remember all fun games. Same as last me. Change is bad game.
Hot light comes back. Hello, old friend. Remember me?
Hot light is silent.
Flap, flap. No ponies. Cool light put them away.
Hunt. Eat. Spit out mouse tail. Sleep.
Hot light has changed again.
Stare at hot light. Dizzy.
Hot light changes things!
Hot light brings ponies out. Cool light puts them away different. Changed.
Hot light wants me to look away. Philomena doesn’t.
Up.
Up, to the hot light. Up and up and up and up.
Stop, hot light!
Hot light is silent.
Up and up and up and up.
Cold!
Up and up.
And up.
Philomena reaches the hot light.
Ki-ri! Dive! Dive at the hot light! Wings out! Claws out! Scratch it! Drive it away!
Hot-hot. Like birth.
Claws wrestle air. Screeches fly off alone. Hot light is hot. Hot light doesn’t move.
It whispers. Come home, Philomena.
The white pony. Hotter, brighter. Changed, but not.
Claws can grab the white pony. Beak can bite the white pony. Stop it. Stop change.
Philomena comes.
Old friend.
Fall, fall from the sky! Dive through the window. Shit grey globs and mouse hair on the shiny ponies. Ki-ri!
Over the pointy sticks. Through the door.
The white pony!
Dive! Dive! Claw its sides! Bite its nose! Ki-ri!
The white pony shudders.
Shred its fur! Pull its tail!
Hooked beak, rip and tear! Stop the white pony!
Its blood is hot.
Beat, beat wings against its head!
Fall, fall to the ground and pant.
The white pony stares.
Stare back.
The white pony stares sad and hot.
Don’t look. Put head under wing. Hide.
The white pony stares through the wing.
Curl up tight. Small, small.
Soft wet nose touches me.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Hot breath on my back. Soft voice, and sad. Warm like love.
Don’t change, white pony.
The white pony is good. The white pony is smart.
Philomena is sad.
Fly over ponies. Find all old friends. Before they change.
Whoosh, zoom, crash! Pony hits the ground! Old crashy friend?
Pony stands up. Pony falls down. Pony stands up. Head high, like statue. Old friend?
Pony laughs. Opens wings. Old friend! Old dashy crashy friend!
Old friend is new again. Like Philomena. Orange not blue. Pink-purple-red not blue-green-yellow-orange-red.
Ki-ri! Fly with me, old friend! Swoosh zoom swish! Frighten birds! Dive at ponies!
Fly!
Fly!
Old friend stares.
Fly?
Old friend stares, four feet on ground.
Flutter down. Land on old friend’s back.
Old friend?
New old friend?
Pony?
Pony stares.
Pony laughs!
Ki-ri!
Pony smiles!
Pony stands on board. Kicks ground. Board slides! Fast and faster! Pull head down, hold out wings. Swoosh zoom swish! Ki-ri! Good game, good game!
Pony steps left. Belly-lurches! Stopped!
New friend. Little bit old friend.
Friend! Ki-ri!
All old friends come back a little. Awk.
Author's Note
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
