When a story becomes a tale...

by Stradinius

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Comedy, Adventure, Random, Dark
Length: 2770

And a tale becomes a nightmare. Drake had lived a fairly normal life, excluding a few run-ins with unsavory situations, but when his world gets turned upside-down... actually, he isn't even on his world, what am I saying?

Notice: This story is a Humans in Equestria (HiE) idealistically characterized self-insert story. The character is not me, but there will be similarities in the terms of personality, and thought process. The story reflects the decisions that I would make when faced with a particular situation. Now, onto the actual description.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Drake Night, a fairly normal person when it came down to it. He had his own hobbies, although they were a bit outlandish, and he generally gets along with people well…
Okay, that's a complete lie. The truth of the matter is, Drake never really was a people person. In fact, he generally hated being around people, preferring the seclusion and peacefulness of the woods that he loved to hunt in. The oddest thing about Drake is, despite his general hate of people, he watches, and thoroughly enjoys, a certain little show. This show is primarily about friendship, and bonds, two things that he actively seeks to avoid. So, when he is cast into the world of very same principles, how will he fare? Would he be frowned upon for hunting? Would he be outcast? He won't even be able to tell, because he can't understand them at all!
———-
The characters listed are the ones with the ABSOLUTE most influence on the story. Other characters are involved, just not as much as them. Currently rated teen, for the sake of not having anything very bad in the beginning, will be upped to Mature later on.
———-
Okay, I feel like I improved on the description a little more this time. Maybe it'll scare off less people!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-27 11:13:09 UTC

Chapter 2: Wait a minute, you're not dead! YES!!!

Chapter 2: Wait a minute, you're not dead! YES!!!

Chapter 2:  Wait a minute, you're not dead!  YES!!!

-KIIIIIINNNSSS!!!!!!!

A brilliant flash of light overtook me, killing me instantly.  I didn't even feel pain because it happened so quickly.  It was just FLASH! Dead.

Wait a minute, how am I still thinking.  Everything's still white, too... Is this purgatory?  I didn't think it was a thing, but apparently it is...  Can I move?  Okay, I can wiggle my fingers and toes.  Can I move my upper body?

*Thunk*

"OW!"

Well, that was a graceful way to start my afterlife.  Twenty seconds in and I've already hit my head.  Wow...

Wait, I felt that.  I felt that!  I'm not dead?  I'm not dead?!  Huh, that's a surprise.

+Wait, we're not dead?+

'We're not dead!'

+Holy shit...+

'I know right?'

+Celebrate?+

'As soon as my vision comes all the way back.'

+Wait, your vision hasn't returned yet?+

'Dude, you're in my head, you should know this.'

+I can see perfectly fine...+

'What?'

+Yeah, let me... oh wait, I'm in full control of your eyes, that's why!+

'Give it back...'

+I think I'll keep it fo-+

'Give me back my eyes or I'll think about horrific porn images.'

+OH GOD!  TAKE IT!  TAKE THE EYES!+

'Thank you, now that I can see... where the fuck are we?'

Looking out of my truck through the (surprisingly still intact) windshield, I take notice of the flora that surrounds us.

+We aren't in Kansas anymore/+

'We weren't in Kansas to begin with...'

+Damn it, you ruined the joke...+

As far as the eye could see, there was dark, foreboding trees.  The bark was brown, as it should be, but seemed to have a reddish tinge to it, and almost appeared to glow unnaturally.  Looking out of the driver's side window revealed more of the same trees, and the passenger's side... Well, what do you know?  More fucking trees!  This wouldn't be odd normally.  I mean, I was just in a fucking forest, but these trees were unfamiliar.  These weren't the oaks that I've come to know and love, no... These trees were for more sinister...

It almost reminds me of-

I blinked.  Once...Twice...a third time.  I started piecing together things in my head.  The freak thunderstorm.  The lightning phenomenon.  The convenient timing of the cutoff so if anyone heard just the end of it they'd have no idea what was going on.

"Mother fucker, I'm the main character in a shitty fanf-"

*BONK*

"Now now, we can't have you knowing that, Mr. Night.  That would cause problems in the future.  Ms. Pie, would you be so kind as to pull that from the script?"

"I'm on it, Dissy!"

"Please stop calling me that..."

<<<===>>>

"Ugh, my head... what happened?"

+We blacked out...+

"What, did we get hit by something?"

+Dunno, feels that way though.+

Well, where was I?  Oh yeah, finding out where the fuck I am.  To start, let's get a look around.  Stepping out of my truck, and drawing my revolver as a safety measure, I began sweeping the nearby area.  As I went, I started making mental calculations.

Okay, I landed in a strangely perfectly circular clearing.  The entirety of the ground in this clearing is scorched, as if it was hit with a high temperature substance.  A magma burst, or lightning fits the bill, but it seems a bit large to be lightning.  The clearing stands at somewhere close to fifty yards in diameter, making it feasible for a proper camp setup.  The clearing is nearly surrounded with trees, but has a conveniently located opening which leads to a river.  This spot is perfect aside from the fact that I might not be able to grow food here.  Almost too perfect... actually not even almost.  This clearing was too perfect to set up camp in.  Murphy is sitting there, just waiting for me to do it... on the other hand, I don't have much else of a choice...

"Oh wait, I have a fucking radio!"

Crawling back into my truck, I grabbed the mic, flicked on the receiver, and hit the GPS marker.

...

"This is a request for rescue.  I am currently lost in the middle of a forest.  I am not familiar with the local flora, and am not sure what is safe to eat.  I have approximately three days of food stored up, and if I stretch it, I can make it last a week.  My GPS chip is either damaged, or broken, as I am not receiving coordinates from it.  This message has been recorded, and will repeat every fifteen minutes on every frequency until I get a response.  My receiver will be available for responses in ten seconds."

*sigh* "I guess that'll do."

+So what now?+

'Now I set up to stay a while'

[Hello?  Art thou still there?]

(Excuse the fourth wall breach, but please insert the alert sound from Metal Gear here!  Thanks!)

Rushing to pick up the mic, I respond.

"Yes, yes.  I'm here, may I ask who I am speaking to?"

[Thou speaketh to Princess Luna.  We are worried for thou.  Art thou okay?]

'That name...  I know that name, but from where?'

+It'll come to us.+

'Yeah...'

"I'm fine, but what's with the Olde English crap?"

[We- I apologize.  I'm still having trouble adjusting to the current speech.]

"Ummm... Okay.  Listen, I'm in a bit of a pickle here, can you help me out?"

[We will do o- I mean, I will do my best to be of assistance, but first, you must answer my question.]

"Really?  This had better not be one of those 'riddle for help' bullshit things."

['Tis certainly not.  W-I'm simply wondering how you managed to speak to me telepathically.  Breeching into the mind of a goddess is no easy feat, after all.]

"..."

[Well?  I'm waiting...]

"Telepathically?  What the fuck are you talking about, lady?  I just used my radio!"

'Telepathy, bunch of magic hocus pocus... magic...'

+A clue!+

'Maybe...'

[So vulgar!  Yet, so intriguing... A radio you say?  What is this radio?]

"What you're using to talk to me right now, I'd assume...  That's the only way we could talk to each other."

[So it is telepathy?  How have you mastered it so well?]

"J-Just..." *sigh* "Okay, it's telepathy.  I use a device to enhance my abilities."

[What sort of device?  Didst th- Did you make it yourself?  Why have I not heard abou-]

"If you get me out of here, I'll give you an in depth tutorial.  How's that sound?"

[I accept your offer.  Describe thine location.]

<<<===>>>

[I see, based on your information, you're at the western edge of the Everfree Forest.

+*shatter*+

(Wait, you can't combine those, it's confusing to the readers!)

+Add it to the key, 'cuz I just did it!+

'Did you just break something in my head?!'

+No, that shatter sound was the sound of revelation.+

'What?'

+Piece it together, I'm surprised you haven't already.+

'Piece wha- Oh...  Oh no.  Oh no no no no no!  Oh nonononononononononononono...'

<<<===>>>

"...YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!"

Chapter 1: Crazy storms lead to crazier people!

Chapter 1: Crazy storms lead to crazier people!

Chapter 1:  Crazy storms lead to crazier people!

*Kra-boom*

Hunting in the rain can be taken two different ways.  In one way, rain is opportunity, providing cover and drowning out your scent so that your prey doesn't spot you.  On the other hand, if you don't have a weapon that can discharge while wet, it's lost time.  Luckily, this wasn't an issue for me.  Being a gun nut myself, I always bought the top of the line gear.  It's amazing what a few extra hundred dollars can do for you in the long run.

With that being said, I hadn't planned ahead for bad weather, and was thus left with soaked clothing.

+You really didn't bring your rain gear with you?+

'Shut up.'

+Seriously, you waterproofed literally everything but yourself!  Who does that?+

'Shut up.'

+I mean, waterproof weaponry, waterproofed truck, waterproofed survival gear, I could go on and on!+

'You really couldn't, that was about it... Also, Shut up.'

What?  Insane?  Of course not.  Arguing with yourself is totally normal!  No, you have a problem!  I don't have a problem!  Don't talk to me!!!

+You okay?+

'Yeah, why?'

+You kind of had a narrative breakdown there...+

'A what?'

+You know, a psychological meltdown that wasn't actually happening to you, but rather the narrator of the story... Which happens to be you.+

'...'

+Buddy?+

'You lost me at "You know,"'

+Fantastic+

This is me... I'm a twenty four year old male, weighing in at one hundred and ninety seven pounds.  I stand at six feet and three inches tall (or one hundred and ninety and a half centimeters, fucking Europeans...), and I've got a pretty bulky build.  My dad says I've got the "Working man" look about me.  I don't get it...

As I lumbered back to my truck, hauling my unbelievable amount of fresh kill for the day (zilch, zero, today wasn't a good day), I heard some movement directly to my right.  Recognizing the chance at an actual haul for the day of work, but also weary of the possible danger, I dropped down into a crouching position.  Bringing my rifle down from my shoulder, I flipped off the safety, and began scanning the underbrush with my scope.  Even at night, in the pouring rain, my scope was still awesome.  A couple of hundred dollars in, and this bad boy had both night vision, and a thermal reading sensor.   Being a variable scope ranging anywhere from two to ten times zoom, it came in handy for almost any distance.  As I stared into the foliage, spotting my first thermal signature, I heard more movement from behind me... and from both of my sides.

"Really?"  That's the only word I said.

'Okay, go through the list.  Wolves?  Not likely, too quiet, and the surrounding forests aren't wolf friendly.  Bears?  Wasted time even thinking that.  So we're looking at feline.  Fuck, I'm popping a flare.'

+Well, stop standing there and do it already!+

As my internal voice yelled at me, I quickly grabbed the road flare off of my utility belt, and struck up the top.  Immediately after lighting it, I saw the greenish yellow reflection of eyes pointing back at me.

'As I thought, feline.  Which means as long as I have this light, and move steadily, I can keep them off of me.'

+Yeah?  Well get moving, before you run out of this lifeline!  Go on!  MOVE MAGGOT!+

'I'm already walking...'

+Oh...+

Continuing towards the direction of my truck, I had a thought that made me want to move just a little bit faster.

'Shit, I don't have a spare flare on me...'

+MOVE FASTER!  I'M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO DIE!!!+

'You don't even exist, too beautiful my ass!'

+I said move it!  Otherwise I'll give you an awkward boner!+

'Ai-ai, Capitan!'

So I continued walking, albeit at a faster pace than before.  Time was of the essence.  If this flare ran out before I got to the truck, I'd be screwed.  At this distance, even with my shooting skills, there's no way I would be able to even aim my pistol before they were on me.

'Speaking of which, I should probably get that out, just in case... Yeah, good idea.'  These were my thoughts as I unbuttoned the clasp on the holster of my favorite gun.

"Come out Johnny, It's time to play!"

+HEEERE'S JOHNNY!!!+

<<<===>>>

As it turned out, I didn't need to pull Johnny out for playtime, as about fifteen minutes later, I had reached my truck.  I dropped the flare on the ground, and quickly jumped in before all hell broke loose.  Starting up the engine, and then blaring the horn, I saw the reflections of the eyes disappear quickly.

*sigh*  "Guess I'd better call in."  I say, grabbing the radio mic off of the dashboard, and flicking on the receiver.

"This is Delta, reporting in, I repeat, this is Delta, reporting in.  Uniform, do you copy?"

[Yep, we hear ya surprisingly clear through this storm Delta, you need to head home here right and quick.]

"Yeah, about that, I'm gonna have to stay the night out here..."

[...]

"Uniform?  Do you copy?"

[Ah heard ya Delta... Ah heard ya.  Why can't ya come home tonight?]

"The road's too muddy, tomorrow after it dries up, I'm gonna need you to get Bravo to bring his truck out here and lift mine out of the ground."

[Alright honey, you stay safe out there.  You do have your food, don't you?]

"I always do, you know that Momma."

[I know, but I'm just worried about ya.  Check in about three hours from now, ya hear?]

"Got it."

[G'dnight honey!]

"G'dnight"

Hanging up, and turning off the receiver, I decide to go ahead an pull out my dinner.  Reaching into the back seat of the truck, I grabbed my mess kit and brought it over into my lap.

"Just another night..."

+Dude, you need to start heading home earlier from now on.+

'Why's that?'

+Um... well, let's see.  You're staying out of the house three days out of the week, some avoidable, some not so much.+

'Your point is...?'

+Didn't you hear the disappointment in her voice when you said you weren't coming home tonight?  You need to spend more time with her.+

'Don't you think I know that?  It's just... I'm responsible for keeping up a proper income in this household!  Rick can't do any real work, with his asthma and all.  Ma and Pa can't do anything either, they're just too old.'

+Woah man, calm down!  I'm just trying to help!+

'Trying to help?!  You're telling me to spend more time with them, but if I spend more time with them, then I'm spending less time getting the money to keep us fed!  It's all one big clusterfu-'

KRA-BOOM

A bright flash of lightning and a deafening thunder-crack graced my presence.  I couldn't hear myself talk after the absurd volume of the occurrence.  After an unknown amount of time, my vision returned.  Shortly thereafter, my hearing also came back to me.

"What the FUCK just happened?  Fucking nature, always interrupting my rants."

+Dude... Look at the sky+

'Wha-'

+...+

'...'

"What the absolute fuck?  I don't think that's supposed to happen"

+The little drunken black Scottish cyclops in your head is dying to come out!+

"Wha- Oh... fine!  That wasn't s'posed to happen!"

+There you go...+

"Seriously, what is going on?"

+I'm willing to bet the reader's curious too...+

"What was that?"

+Nothing!+

"No, you said something, what was it?"

+Just... FINE!!!  I'll do it myself.+

"What?!  No, you can't take control of my bod-"

+It's my body now, bitch!+

'Awww...'

+Don't worry, I'm just renting it to type this next part.+

'... Wut?'

The sky was erupting in a glorious display of scientific improbabilities.  The out of control thunderstorm was now very orderly.  Too orderly.  The lightning, which had just been plain, generic, 'burn your house down' lightning, was now a fantastical sequence of strikes, all following the generic rainbow pattern.  A red, deep as blood, but as bright as a neon sign, followed my an orange the color of a fresh citrus harvest of the fruit by the same dubbing, and then a yellow that, for some reason, makes me think of a sniper.  Afterwords came green, just like the freshest plain of grass to ever exist, and then a blue, just like the depths of the ocean.  Indigo was next, just like... well, have you ever seen a really old pair of jeans?  They were made with indigo dye.  I'm going off on a tangent... Finally, a brilliant violet graced the sky, making one think of a huge flower field.  It was quite beautiful, really.  This pattern started out slowly, and then began picking up speed.  It got to the point where you couldn't even tell when one strike ended, and the next one began, and then it got to the point where two where happening simultaneously, and then it got so fast, all of the colors simply blurred together, eventually forming a never-ending white light.

"Holy shit, it's right above us."

+I think you should say those last words now... Say goodbye to your mum as well+

"Since when are you British?"

+Shut up and make the call+

So I did, picking up the mic once again, I began the message immediately.

"Unif- Mom!  Pick up, right now, I need to talk to you!"

[...]

"Mom!"

[What?  What is it?  Has something happened?]

"That's what I'm calling about.  There's some weird weather phenomenon going on here... It's actually really freaking cool..."

+HEY!  Don't get off track!+

"Right, Mom, I'm afraid that it might kill me, so I'm leaving my goodbye now.  I've already sent my location with the radio, you should be getting it now on the reciever."

[...]

"Mom, are you listening?"

[I- I'm here, honey.  Just...]

"Mom, you can't panic now, you have to take those coordinates before they are deleted.  Write them down, and go to them as soon as you're able to.  After the storm ends, of course."

[I- I can't- I- I-]

"Mom, I love you.  I love you all, and I'll stay on this radio until something happens.  So if it cuts off, know I'm probably dead.  Alright?  Just... just know that."

[How are you so okay with this?]

"Oh?  That's because I've always wanted to say these last words..."

[Wh- WHAT?!]

LEEEEEEROOOOYYYYY  JEEEEEEN-