Return to Sender

by Cody Da Brony

Rating: mature
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves, Sex
Length: 1619

Dash gets a special delivery. Sadly she doesn't want it. She sends it back. (GRAPHIC BONUS CHAPTER)

Dash wakes up early to a knock at the door, only to find a box that has a stamp, saying :NO NEED TO HANDLE WITH CARE. Dash does exactly what the box says to do.

MATURE FOR EXTREME LANGUAGE AND SELF ANAL WITH A SINK FAUCET ENJOY! Enjoy!
This is by far the stupidest story I've ever written, so please don't take it too seriously.

Published 2014-08-17 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-25 01:44:48 UTC

The One and Only Fucking Chapter in the Entire Fucking Story. Get Over It.

It was very early in the morning. The sun was just peeking over the horizon. Dash was dreaming about Daring Do, or some shit, when a knock at the door woke her. She wrapped her pillow around her head and proceeded to dream about whatever the fuck she decided to dream about, until the knocks became persistent.

"OKAY ASS-HAT! WAIT!" Dash yelled. She pulled herself off of her bed, but as she walked out of the room, she stubbed her hoof on the door frame. "SHITPISSFUCK! OUCH! This better be important!" Dash screeched. She, now limping, made it to the door. She unlocked it and pulled it open, only to find a large box on her doorstep.

"Funny? I didn't order anything?" Dash said. She tried to peel the tape off, but the bitch-ass pony who taped the box up put extra stick tape on the box lids. She walked back into her house to get a kitchen knife to cut open the box, but when she walked in the kitchen, she stubbed the same hoof again.

"MOTHER. FUCKER. AHHH!!! Celestia forbid if this package is garbage! If so, off the deck it goes!" Dash yelled. She grabbed a kitchen knife and went back outside to the box. She cut the box open and opened the lids. Inside was a ton of that foam packing shit. Must be pretty important. Dash began to shovel out the foam and eventually found what was inside.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAINBOW DASH!" Derpy yelled.

"Derpy......WHAT THE FUCK?!" Dash yelled.

"I'm your birthday present! From, uh, me!"

"MY BIRTHDAY WAS OVER SIX MONTHS AGO!" Dash yelled. Then she remembered what she said she'd do if the package was garbage. Dash leaned in and asked "Derpy?"

"What?"

"Have I told you my dire hatred for the mentally challenged?"

"Hmm. Let me think. Nope! I've never heard you say that before."

"WELL I REALLY FUCKING HATE THEM! I JUST WANT TO LOBOTOMIZE YOU RIGHT NOW!" Dash yelled.

"Isn't that a stallion thing?" Derpy asked, very fucking puzzled at this point.

Dash just blew every fucking fuse she had and bucked the large box off the doorstep, down to the ground below. "That'll fucking show her to wake me up." Dash said to herself as she walked back inside. She stubbed the same hoof, yet again, on the way back in. "AHHH FUCK YOU DOOR! YOU THINK YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME?! HUH?!" Dash yelled. She continued to cuss out the front door until ponies below, and above, began to look at her. She went back in the house at this point. Dash returned to her room and hopped into bed. Did I seriously just throw Derpy off my house and cuss out an inanimate object, again? Dash decided to just not give a single fuck and go back to sleep.

Author's Note

I hope you enjoyed my profound way of writing. (I have nothing against the mentally challenged, by the way.)

The Illuminati Did It!

THREE DAYS LATER

Fluttershy went to Dash's house to see if she was okay, probably due to the fact Dash hadn't been seen in three days. She quietly walked int the house and heard a very abrupt banging noise. She looked around and eventually found Dash banging her head into the wall. A large hole was all that was left.

"Rainbow. What are you doing?"

"Summoning Celestia!" Dash yelled in a distorted, dumb ass sounding voice.

"Um. You know you can visit any time in Canterlot, right?"

"All hail plankton! All hail plankton!" Dash repeated over and over.

"I'm...going to leave." Fluttershy said as she sped out the exit.

Author's Note

Ponyville's Home for The Mentally Unstable
Patient: Dash, Rainbow
Mental Problem: Profuse need to bash face against solid object
Solution: A high dose of sedatives and constant restraint

!!Bonus Chapter!! (fucking shoot me)

ONE YEAR LATER

"Okay girls, we're here to see Rainbow Dash. She's a little messed up, so don't remove the straps holding her head to the table, no loud noises, no liquids, no boxes, and do not touch her front left hoof. It's very sensitive." Twilight said.

"Twi, we've been over this enough times to remember." Applejack said, while she ate a fucking apple.

"I know, I just wanted to be sure."

Just then, a pony in a cum-white lab coat came. "Okay, there's a thing you may want to know. Dash's current condition is very aggressive. I highly recommend not going to visit for a while."

"I'm sure we can calm her down. C'mon girls." Twilight said as the five of them proceeded down the hallway.

The building was long as fuck, and took too much fucking time out of your day to get to where Rainbow was being held. This long ass walk had the mane five increasingly pissed off.

"That's it, hos. I'm sitting on this bench for a second. I don't want my makeup to run." Rarity bitched.

"You stupid, ugly bitch. The makeup doesn't improve your dog ass face!" Applejack said.

"Why you fucking cunt!"

"What? Ahm only being honest." AJ said. She looked into a room and saw a stallion, but he sure as fuck wasn't normal. He had broken his restraints and had the sink faucet broken off. With the dislodged faucet, the stallion aggressively drove the jagged end of the pipe up his ass with no hesitation. All the while, Applejack stared. "Celestia, kill me now."

"What?" Rarity said as she looked into the room. "AHH!! WHAT THE HOLY FUCK IS HE DOING?!?!?!"

"What!? What?!" a doctor said. "Dear, Celestia! PATIENT #4786 IS IMPALING HIMSELF AGAIN! SOMEPONY GET THE SEDATIVES!!" she yelled.

"OOOkay, lets move along." Twilight said, grabbing her friends with her magic.

The five of them eventually made it to Dash's room, and when they did, they immediately heard a muffled screeching. They all looked at each other and entered the room, single file.

"Hi, Rainbow. How are you?" Twilight asked.

"I-I-I-I, gas chambers! Genocide! The patriarchy! CELESTIA FUCK ME NOW, I NEED A BANANA!!!"

"I think I know how to calm her down." Fluttershy said. She approached Dash's front-left hoof and reached out to touch it, but Dash grabbed her hoof and squeezed it 'til it popped.

"DON'T...FUCKING...TOUCH ME THERE!!!" Dash said, as she increased her grasp on the feeble hoof. The hoof made a loud crack, and at the same time Dash picked her up and projected the Pegasus out a window, 35 stories in the air.

The rest of them took a look at Dash and took a large step back.

At that point, doctors piled into the room, eventually turning the entire room into a cum-white wonderland. The four were then told to leave.

Author's Note

Ponyville Obituaries
Dash, Rainbow: Death by lethal injection
Jammer, Hole: Self impaled
No fucking clue what her last name is, Fluttershy: Death by falling

Oh Hell. It's Happening Again.

Later that day, Dash woke up and got out of bed. "I wonder if Derpy survived the fall? I fucking hope not." Dash said as she flew into the living room. Her front, left hoof was out of action for a while. She flew into the kitchen and got a small breakfast and flew outside to kick the few clouds. After completing her morning routine, Dash went back to her house and looked at the ground for either a dead pony, or box remains. She only found box remains.

"Eh, at least she's okay." Dash said. She flew up to her house and found another box on her doorstep. Same size. Same markings. Unlike earlier, Dash wasn't as pissed. She cut the box open and opened it. She pulled out the the foam and inside was Derpy. Only this time she wielded a fire hose. Before she knew it, Dash was shot in the face with the water. The force pushed her through the door and into the living room. Eventually, Dash was pinned against the wall, still being sprayed with water.

"Hahaha! Rainbow Dash is wet! HAHAHA!" Derpy laughed.

Dash was pissed. And not 'you stole my bits' pissed, but 'you lit my baby on fire' pissed. "AHHH!!" Dash yelled, her war face in full effect, and charged at Derpy. Dash was in tunnel vision. Nothing mattered, except to destroy Derpy. She charged at full speed, papers and loose objects flying all over the place. Just before Dash made contact with Derpy, she stubbed her hoof, the same fucking one by the way, on the living room end table and went flying into Derpy. Dash collided into her and they both fell to the floor, Dash on top of Derpy.

"Hi Rainbow Dash." Derpy said in a cheery voice, as if nothing happened.

Dash was pissed beyond belief, but decided to just cooperate and hope Derpy would just explode or leave. Preferably explode. "Hi. Hi Derpy."

"How are you?"

"Gee, I was just sprayed with a high power water-cannon. I've stubbed my hoof to the point that it needs medical attention. You woke me up. I'd say pretty fucking fantastic!" Dash said, trying to use as much sarcasm as possible.

"That's good." Derpy replied. A long silence passed. A LONG fucking silence. "Well see ya."

Dash sat with her mouth agape. All of the pain, anger, and commotion for this. She decided to give up on everything. She stood up, lead Derpy to the door, closed the door, and went to a wall. She began to bash her head against the wall. She didn't stop.

Author's Note

Don't Do Drugs Kids!