Goodbye, Equestria

My dearest friends,

By the time you read this letter, I will be dead.

Let me begin by giving you all my deepest and most sincere apologies. I did not deserve the kindness you all have shown me over the past four years, just as you do not deserve the grief and heartache I have surely caused you. There are some things which I would like to say to all of you before I go.

Princess Celestia: In case I never said so in so many words, thank you for giving me a chance. I do not blame you for keeping me isolated in that room in the palace for so long. I know that you had to be sure that I did not represent a threat to your citizens, and I’m sure I didn’t help my case any with the way I behaved. I certainly said some unkind to you the first few times we met, and for that I apologize again. I had just lost everything and everyone I had ever known, but that’s still no excuse. Even when Twilight herself began to question her decision to bring me to this world, you insisted that she persevere in her attempts to gain my friendship. The fate of my world would have been very different if our leaders were even half as wise and benevolent as you.

Twilight: it was you who rescued me from my dying world, and you have dubious honor of being the first pony I met after I came to Equestria. I know I have said it many times before, but I would like to thank you for rescuing me, and apologize for the way I treated you in the weeks that followed. At the time, I was too absorbed with the extinction of my own, wretched little race to open my eyes and see all that I had gained. Again and again you offered me your hoof in friendship, and again and again I slapped it away. But you never gave up, and you eventually succeeded in getting through to my stupid little ape-brain just what friendship means. I am no more deserving of your friendship now than I was then, but for what it’s worth, Twilight: Thank you.

To you, Twilight, I bequeath my book, Memoirs of the Human Race. Now that it is finished, I am ready to die. It contains literally everything I can remember about my world: mathematics, history, culture, science, philosophy, literature, technology, everything. I have taken great pains to make it as accurate and complete as possible, but I am afraid I only ever had a laymen’s understanding of most subjects. Although it is certain to be rife with inaccuracies and important omissions, it will be all that remains, that exists or ever will exist, of the human race after I am gone. It is my hope that our example will serve as a case study and a cautionary tale, so that the ponies may avoid the same fate that befell mankind.

I have deliberately omitted my knowledge of two specific subjects: Religion, except where it directly pertains to history; and anything pertaining to nuclear technology. It was these two things that directly led to the war that destroyed my world, and I regard it to be too dangerous to be entrusted to anyone under any circumstances. Even still, I regard the knowledge in this book to be very dangerous in the wrong hands, so I trust you to guard it well.

Fluttershy: Most ponies would describe you as shy and timid, but I know better. After that run-in with the timberwolves in the Everfree forest, you told me you admired me for my bravery. I never told you this, but I admire you for the very same reason.

There is so much more to being courageous than being merely unafraid. True courage is overcoming your fear, and though you are afraid of almost everything, time and time again I watched you conquer your fear and come through for your friends when it really mattered. I may have been unafraid of death, but you, Fluttershy, are the bravest pony I have ever met.

Fluttershy, the kindness you showed me has meant more to me than you can ever know. The fate of my world would have been very different if there had been more people like you in it. Thank you.

Pinkie Pie: When I first came to Ponyville, everyone saw me as a monster (they were right, of course, just not in the way that they imagined). They were fearful of me, and sometimes even hostile. You threw me a welcome party, and invited the entire town. Good lord, what a party that was. I was picking confetti out of my hair for days. I made more friends that night than I had in the twenty-odd years that preceded it. Can you believe that I had never even danced before that night? Well, on second thought, I suppose you can.

Pinkie, thank you for all the laughs. Never in my life have I felt so happy as when I was around you. I hope you understand just how much it meant to me to be able to forget myself, if even for a little while. Please do not interpret my death as any sort of failing on your part. Your efforts made my existence here infinitely more tolerable, but ultimately there wasn't anything you or anypony else could have done to convince me to remain even one minute longer in this pathetic ape-body of mine.

Rainbow Dash: I used to think I knew what loyalty was, when I was part of my nation’s military. How noble and brave I thought myself as I served my country, making terrible wars upon other countries. I actually prided myself on being a heartless, soulless killing machine. I lauded myself for my mastery of my terrible instruments of death, becoming myself a weapon for evil men to wield against other evil men. I have done terrible, terrible things in the service of my country, all in the name of ‘loyalty.’

I knew immediately that there was an important difference between your loyalty and mine, but it was several years before I realized what it was. Can you guess? It is friendship, or course. I understand now that there is so much more to loyalty than blind obedience. Loyalty without friendship is something entirely different. Far from an element of friendship, loyalty without friendship is weapon..

Rainbow Dash, to you I bequeath my flying machine. Although I don’t suppose you’ll have very much use of it yourself, I would have never been able to finish it without your assistance, and it seems most appropriate that you should have it.  Do with it what you will.

Rarity, when I finally saved up enough for my own place in Ponyville, I was perfectly content to sleep on my mattress on my floor and eat my meals over the sink like a bachelor, but you wouldn’t have any of it. You must have dragged me to every garage sale and thrift store in Equestria looking for just the right sofa or endpiece or throw rug or drape, but in the end I had to admit that it was all worth it. I’ve never put much stock in decoration, but by the time you were finished with the place it was no longer just a place to crash, it was someplace that I could take pride in, someplace I where I was happy to spend my time.

You were also the one who encouraged me to take up painting. Much like decorating, I never placed much value art, or indeed anything with no tangible function of its own. But through you I learned that there is more to this life than merely existing and being useful. For opening my eyes to all things beautiful, Rarity, I thank you. To you I bequeath all of my paintings. In the store room of my workshop is a collection I have never shown to anyone. I imagine they’ll be worth a fair amount after I am gone, if only for novelty’s sake.

Applejack. My dear, sweet Applejack.

I cannot begin to describe how much it pains me to have betrayed your trust. Through you, I learned the simple satisfaction of an honest day’s labor. Through you, I learned what it meant to have a family. Though I was little more than a stranger when first we met, (and a gangly, monstrous ape-beast at that) you and the other Apples took me in and called me one of your own.

That night in the orchard, when you told me you had feelings for me that went beyond friendship, I was lying when I said I did not feel the same way.

Of course I love you, Applejack, and the depths of my love would make the oceans weep. To your friends, to other ponies, you have always been the rock, the immutable foundation of truth upon which all other things can be built. But you showed me the other part of yourself, the part of yourself not even your family or closest friends have ever seen. Beneath your tough exterior and bravado, I saw the heart of a mare as tender and sweet as the fruit of her namesake, and as beautiful and pure as the Element gem she represents.

Loving you would have brought me great joy, but that would have been selfish of me. I knew then I would eventually have to leave you in this way, and rejecting your affection was the only way I could hope to curb the pain my passing would bring you. So, I pretended to be cool and detached and uninterested when I was around you, when what I really wanted to do was to take you in my arms and proclaim our love to the heavens. For years and years I lied to you, the element of Honesty, and for that I am not even fit to be buried in the earth which you so lovingly attend.

I was hoping you could take care of Frisco for me, since she and Winona seem to get along so well. Give my best to Big Mac and Granny Smith. Apple Bloom is too young to understand, so I was hoping you would consider telling her I just moved to a different town or something.

That’s all I have to say, my friends. Thank you again for your friendship. I have taken great care to ensure my body will never be found, I hope you will save yourselves the trouble of searching for it.

Most sincerely,

-Nathan