The Unsung Hero
Temptation
Berry Dots is a quiet, but respected, stallion employed as an accountant at a small business. He arrives on time, is polite to everypony else, and is good at his job. He pays his taxes, avoids jaytrotting, and tries to be a helpful neighbor.
At least, that's the Berry Dots everypony thinks they know.
They don't know about the battles I fight every day. They don't know about the darkness that lurks in the depths of my mind, waiting for a chance to whisper lies and false promises to me. Waiting for me to slip up. Waiting for a moment of weakness. It follows me to bed, and dominates my fantasies. My terrible, horrible fantasies, filled with evil things I would never do to any real pony.
Or so I tell myself.
I awoke to the sun filtering through my blinds, highlighting little motes of dust floating around my bedroom. I stayed in bed for a few minutes, before grudgingly accepting the reality that my blanket was not going to drag itself off me. Half-asleep, I wandered into the kitchen, passing through my small apartment with barely anything in it. No hints of the demons that haunted my dreams. No clues to the terrifying monster waiting just beneath the surface.
Just a coffee maker. A coffee maker I loved very, very much. I'd like to say I hit the coffee button and then proceeded to do something productive, like brushing my teeth, or taking a shower, but all I really did was lean on the counter with my head on my hooves, staring at the coffee maker.
I'm not entirely sure how normal that is.
Eventually I could delay my morning routine no longer. It was Monday, which meant I could no longer hide away from the rest of the world. I had to go to work, and given the whispering that was already invading the back of my mind, I was pretty sure today was going to be a long, arduous slog. After a moment's hesitation, I threw on my saddlebags, and stepped outside.
I slid the door shut, a click and a snap locking my secrets away from the world. The sound of hooves against wood echoed around the apartment complex as I descended the staircase. Trotting across the front lawn, soft blades of grass tickled my fetlocks, and dry leaves crinkled under my hooves. The noises of the city grew louder, gradually drowning out the twittering of birds and nature, until I found myself at an intersection. There was another pony standing there, looking lost. I gulped.
Our interaction was brief, but they were just one of many ponies I met on my way to work. It's hard to help a pony in need while the darkness demands I do unspeakable things to them. Yet, I continued on, smiling and telling them directions to a nearby park, ignoring the wild tempest in the back of my mind. I'd gotten very adept at quashing the blackness that lurked beneath the surface. Some days I could almost pretend to be a normal pony, free of temptation, able to simply be a friendly neighbor to everypony around me, working to make them happy, just like I always wanted.
I liked those days.
Today was not one of those days. Today, the darkness was a roar in my ears, making it difficult to concentrate. I almost bumped in to an old mare on the sidewalk, and apologized profusely. My mind was so addled, I wasn't entirely sure how I managed to make it to work. Somehow, I found my way up the staircase and to my desk, where I stared helplessly at reams of numbers that refused to add themselves together.
Sometimes, the malevolence would fade by the afternoon, and I just had to muscle my way through the morning. Today was not one of those days. Today, it was getting worse. I caught myself looking in places I shouldn't be looking, thinking things I shouldn't be thinking. I was afraid. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I didn't want to hurt anypony. I had to leave. I had to get out.
Pulling myself up, I half-trotted, half-stumbled over to my bosspony's office. I must've looked terrible. She glanced up from her papers, took one look at me, and said, "Go home, Berry, I'll get somepony to cover you."
I hadn't even asked her to leave yet. She didn't even ask what was wrong! I just nodded. "Th-thank you," I stammered.
She nodded and smiled. "Don't worry about it, Berry. You do good work. Come back when you feel better."
I thanked her again and started towards the stairs, trying in vain to banish the evil thoughts that clawed at my psyche, threatening to rip me apart. This was bad. This was very bad. I wasn't sure if I could make it all the way back home. Reeling in the hallway, trying to avoid eye contact, I sought out the bathroom on the first floor. Instinct guided me there, and I quickly locked myself inside a stall.
Part of me wanted to retch into the toilet. Instead, I sat on the porcelain floor, and quietly sobbed into my hooves.
Why did I have to be born like this? Why did I find such sickening enjoyment in those awful fantasies? I knew how badly ponies could get hurt if I let my desires escape into the real world, but it was like trying to convince yourself to not like chocolate. You could avoid it, and lock it away so you never see it, but this hasn't changed the fact that you love chocolate. It's still there, deep beneath the surface, and every time you walk by a chocolate shop, your mouth salivates, dreaming of doing terrible things with that chocolate. Suddenly, walking past a chocolate shop is a lot more difficult for you than the average pony, simply because of the cards life dealt you.
I wish I could tell somepony, confess my sins to a close friend, but I couldn't tell a soul or they'd lock me up and throw away the key. Nopony was interested in helping me, only in keeping me away from the rest of society.
I didn't blame them, either.
That night, I woke up in a cold sweat. Bits and pieces of the terrifying nightmare that had besieged me played back over and over like broken records. I could smell the flames, and the angry crowd as they circled around me. They strung me high in a noose I kept at bay with a single hoof. I remember calling out to them for mercy, trying to explain that I had never hurt anypony, that I didn't want to die, but they were having none of it. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few," said their leader, and my hoof slipped. I felt the harsh rope cutting in to my throat as my vision blurred.
I wondered if it was really a dream, or a vision of the future. It took a while to fall back asleep.
The next day, I was on my way home from work when I heard about it. A newspaper colt ran around shouting the stereotypical line, "EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! MARE MURDERED IN ALLEYWAY! BALTIMARE PROTOCOL ENACTED!"
The hairs on my back stood up when I heard those words. I picked up a copy from the colt and threw a bit in his hat for his trouble. The murder had taken place last Thursday, but the police had only just discovered the body yesterday. Apparently, it had happened just a few blocks from my apartment.
I avoided reading about the grisly details, but suffice to say, the crime was so heinous that the princesses had enacted The Baltimare Protocol. All ponies of interest, even if they simply lived near where the murder happened, were to submit to a mind reading spell. The spell was powerful, and would reveal all of your most closely guarded secrets. Thus, everypony who accepted was given amnesty for any illegal activity that was unrelated to the crime being investigated. Unless you tried to run. Then they'd find you, catch you, read your mind anyway, and put everything you ever did down on record.
It wasn't a good idea to run.
Naturally, only the princesses were authorized to use the mind reading spell. If ponies were going to trust anypony with their deepest, darkest secrets, it would be their benevolent rulers. Princess Luna was often favored, as she could view the dreams of everypony anyway, and had never betrayed anypony's privacy.
The problem was, there were a hoofful of crimes that were so horrible, so unforgivable, that they were exempted from the promised amnesty.
My dreams were particularly terrifying that night.
I received the letter the next day. On Saturday, they wanted me to come to a private chamber in the castle for my screening, which would be performed by Princess Luna, as expected. My hooves shook, and panic slowly began to set in. I thought about running. What was the point of not running? Either I willingly subject myself to being arrested and executed, or I try to run, get caught, and then get arrested and executed. Wasn't it better to go out fighting?
The letter lay still on my countertop as I paced around my apartment in a nervous frenzy.
They would have already given a list detailing the ponies of interest to all guards patrolling exits to the city, and without wings or a horn, I had no way to escape. Suicide was always an option. Better for me to simply rid the world of my bleak existence than force it to deal with executing me. I trotted over to the kitchen, and stared at the butcher's knife I always kept on the counter, just in case.
Seeing the blade gave me pause. I pondered what was important to me. Surely, the honorable thing to do here was to approach my impending death with dignity? I have lead the best life I could. Perhaps I would simply wait, and show up exactly as I was supposed to. If they are to sentence me to death, then I should gladly forfeit my life for the greater good.
It sounded kind of stupid, but it was all I had to go on. Honestly, I didn't see any other way. I couldn't escape, and I really didn't want to kill myself, either. My best bet would probably be to beg Luna for forgiveness. It wouldn't work, but it was better than nothing.
The rest of the week went by in a blur. I went to my job, added numbers together, and left for the day. I never really said hi to anypony and everypony mostly left me alone. We had all been affected by the terrible news, and they simply assumed I was coping in my own way.
If only they knew of the terrors that haunted my dreams.
It was Friday night when I decided I needed to write a will. It felt kind of silly, honestly, because I didn't really have much to give away, nor very many friends to give it to. Still, if I was going to die, at the very least I needed to get my affairs in order.
Finally, Saturday came.
I stood in my doorway for a long time, drinking in the sight of my apartment for the last time. I'd probably be spending the rest of my days in a jail cell, so I wanted to commit every detail of my humble adobe to memory.
Finally, I locked the door behind me, and left. It wasn't a particularly long walk to the Canterlot courthouse, but it felt like an eternity, and didn't last nearly as long as it should have. I walked into a building filled with a couple dozen ponies milling around. Most of them seemed bored. I was practically paralysed with fear. After a long minute, I managed to remember how my legs worked, and trotted down the hallway.
I went to the bathroom before taking my place in the waiting room. I had never really understood why ponies would ever piss themselves in fright, but now I was starting to grasp the concept. I was terrified. I was already shaking uncontrollably as I sat down on the chair, and I had to take deep breaths to calm myself down. I felt like I was getting in line to be executed. My blood pounded in my ears and my heart felt like it was going to burst. It wasn't long before I nervously started nibbling on the strands of my mane like a hyperactive filly. I was convinced that I was about to walk to my death.
The line was moving at a disturbingly brisk pace. The whole process couldn't have taken more than a few minutes. Before long, I heard Princess Luna call out my name, and my heart skipped a beat. I slowly worked my way off my seat and trudged towards the doorway. The fear had given way to a cold numbness as I walked into a rather unimportant looking office, with the Princess of the Night seated to one side, shuffling papers with her magic.
"Berry Dots?" she asked, using her magic to close the door behind me.
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
"Please, take a seat." she said, gesturing to a nearby cushion. "Are you familiar with this procedure?"
The cushion was soft, and cozy. The whole setup would have been warm and welcoming had I not been waiting for my death sentence. I shook my head.
"I'm going to cast a spell to sift through your memories. It will automatically target memories that are significant to you, and some ponies have reported re-experiencing them. This can sometimes be painful for certain memories, but I will be monitoring the process and will do my best to nullify any emotional distress. The process is quick and otherwise painless. Nothing I discover while going through your memories will ever be revealed outside of this room, unless it has immediate applicability to the current investigation. Do you trust me with your secrets?"
I gulped, and slowly nodded.
Princess Luna smiled, and her horned began to glow. "Then let's get started."
The night was quiet, and my room was dim, save for a single lamp on my desk. Books lay discarded in piles, and papers had been strewn across the room. A feverish amount of studying had been taking place in this room, enough to make even Princess Celestia’s faithful student blush.
A lump on the bed shuddered, and another round of uncontrollable sobbing racked my lungs. Underneath the covers, I lay curled in a tight ball, hugging my tail to my stomach, letting out wretched, choking sobs. Tears would have poured down my face, but I had run out of them an hour ago.
Upon my desk sat an open dictionary, with a single word highlighted.
That was the night I learned that I was a monster.
The darkness whirled around me in a maelstrom, screaming at me. Demons whispered lies into my ears, and the world threatened to crumble away. I was curled into a pathetic, whimpering ball, trying in vain to ignore the dark temptations that threatened to blot out my sanity. Trying to ignore the terrible things the voices wanted me to do.
Just a few minutes ago, I had almost slipped. My resolve had cracked, and I had come frighteningly close to ruining a pony's life forever. Instead, I'd galloped into the kitchen, locking myself away from everypony else. I didn't want to hurt anypony. I didn't!
Awww, you won't hurt them that badly, an errant thought hissed. They'll be fine, just you wait.
"NO!" I shouted, suddenly angry. "I won't! You can't control me! You can't tell me what to do!"
The black void roared in response, consuming my mind, battering me with sick fantasies filled with evil. I looked around in desperation for a way out. I would not be turned into a monster. A gleam caught the corner of my eye, and suddenly I saw the answer.
A giant butcher's knife lay exposed on the kitchen counter, and I realized there was another way. I would beat these vile thoughts, or I would die trying. Nopony would ever have to get hurt.
I snatched the blade from the countertop, and held its point against my chest with trembling hooves. The darkness wailed around me, but it's whispers seemed more frightened, now.
"I'll do it," I whispered to nopony in particular. "I'll stab myself in the chest if that's what it takes. You'll never win. Either you leave me alone, or I die, right here, right now."
For a moment, it seemed like the blackness would never leave, I would be forced to throw my life away just to protect the ones I loved... from myself. A trickle of blood stained my fur as the razor sharp edge began to pierce the outer layers of my skin. But then, the storm of madness began to fade. I was panting, haggard breaths tearing at my lungs, but finally I could feel sanity start to return.
Slowly, I lowered the blade. I didn't actually want to die. I enjoyed not being dead. But if the darkness ever came that close to taking me ever again... I would have no choice.
After that day, I had always kept a butcher's knife in the kitchen. Just in case.
Suddenly, it was over. I was returned to my body in Princess Luna's private room. She seemed shaken by what she had seen, and I looked towards the ground, prepared for the worst.
I felt a hoof touch my shoulder, and almost jumped. "I'm... sorry," she whispered, and I looked up. She was gazing at me with a forlorn look. "I'm so sorry," she repeated. Her hoof left my shoulder, and she returned to her papers, making a few notes.
This was it, then. She knew I had done nothing wrong, and yet she would have to summon the guard to take me away and execute me for the crime of existing. She raised a hoof, and I held my breath.
"You are free to go," she said, waving her hoof towards the door.
For a moment, I sat there, frozen. "That's it?" I blurted out.
"What?" asked Luna, looking up from her papers.
I nervously clopped my hooves together. "Aren't... aren't you going to arrest me, or banish me, or send me to the gallows, or something?"
Luna looked at me with a sad smile, her piercing eyes drilling into my soul. She had seen my darkest secrets, and now I was naked before her gaze. Well, I mean, I was already naked, but... you get the point. "You've done nothing wrong, Berry Dots. I would never arrest anypony simply for thinking something. You are not your fantasies; your actions determine who you are. I am deeply saddened by the burden that you were born with, but you have no control over your urges, only whether you act on them, and so far you have done an admirable job."
Luna let out a heavy sigh, and looked out towards the waiting room for a brief moment before her gaze returned to me. "You were born with a dark temptation. Every day, you must resist urges that few ponies have, and fewer still succeed. You're not a monster, you're a hero."
As much as I'd like to think those words triggered some sort of epiphany in me, in reality I was too busy being relieved that I wasn’t dead. I thanked her profusely and took my leave. I slowly trotted towards the front doors of the building, where the blinding sunlight awaited me, and stepped outside, towards the rest of my life.
Her words comforted me at night, after the nightmares left me gripping my blanket in terror. Her words soothed my soul as I contemplated ending everything after a particularly bad day. Her words guided me through the rocky roads of life, always making sure I never strayed too far.
It turns out, I never actually had to use that butcher's knife.
Many years had passed. Berry Dots was an old stallion when his time came, but had no family of his own. Those that attended his funeral were his neighbors, his co-workers, and his friends. All came to pay respects to the quiet, unassuming stallion who had always been polite and friendly over the years.
They praised his kindness, and his generosity. His friends told stories of his loyalty, and of the laughter they shared. They spoke of the magic he helped spread through their community.
Nopony knew of the butcher's knife he had kept on his kitchen counter. That knowledge belonged solely to Princess Luna, who had attended the procession without explanation. Several ponies had submitted possible phrases for Berry Dots' tombstone. In the end, however, it was Princess Luna herself that provided his epitaph. They were simple words, etched into stone, but they carried a powerful message.
Here lies one who fought against the darkness.
Here lies one whose will never faltered.
Here lies one whose deeds shall never be known.
Here lies an unsung hero.
Author's Note
The darkness in this story is purposefully left vague. It could be pedophilia, schizophrenia, fantasies of rape or murder, or even homosexuality if you wanted to be really depressing. The point is that he never acts on these urges, no matter how bad they get. You must judge someone by their actions, not their fantasies.
