Interesting Times

Chapters

A Gift, and a Blessing
Truth or Dare
Suicide is Painless
Smooze Moves, Trixie

A Gift, and a Blessing

“I swear to whatever gods are listening, that I will never make fun of hobbits again.” I panted as I tried to catch my breath. The journey across the cursed land of Mordor, sneaking past orc patrols, and finally climbing Mount Doom had taken every ounce of energy and determination this body had. I used to think of the little bastards as gay couch potatoes, and often make fun of how I had seen them in movies. Now, I had a newfound respect for what Frodo and Sam went through to reach their goal.

My everything hurt. The very air burned with every ragged breath I took, both from the sheer heat coming from below, and the cracked ribs I had sustained falling into an abandoned lava tube. I hadn’t eaten in over a day, and the last of the water was gone hours ago. Bandages and bruises covered most of my body, and it was only sheer willpower that kept me from passing out. This was not going to end well, but at last, it was going to end!

My goal was in sight, as the dull glow of the magma far below lit the cavern above me. Heat and fatigue painted the world in a kaleidoscope of distorted imagery as I continued my trek onwards. Just a few more feet, and I could toss this damn thing into the cleansing fires, and be free at last. I hoped. It worked for the One Ring, so why wouldn't it work for my own cursed artifact?

Suddenly I heard it. A dull scrape, and a slight wheezing. My blood ran cold, as fear gripped me. No! I was so close. Too close to lose now. I hobbled faster, pushing my broken body well past it’s limits as the edge of the pit opened before me. I heard a low growl, and foolishly turned to look behind me. My heart skipped a beat as the dark shape of my antagonist framed the entrance, before darting forward with lightening speed. The Uruk-Hai had been tracking me up the mountain for over a day, and now he found me as I was so close to my goal. His dire wolf mount howled with delight as they closed on me, and I knew I had seconds to finish my task.

Summoning the last of my strength, I bolted for the edge, turning only as I felt my food touch open air. I felt the weightlessness grip me for a moment, before pain erupted in my chest, as the wolf slammed into me as we all went over the edge. I smiled despite my pain, knowing this would finally be the last time, and that even death would not stop me from going home again.

And then I felt it. The static charge, the heat from my chest, the squeezing tightness like I was deep underwater, making my ears pop. I looked down to see the accursed object of my torture glowing. I had miscalculated, and now it was about to take from me my victory.

“No, nonono! Not now, I was so close!” I screamed into the abyss.

“Yes morsssel! We both die!” Growled the beast on top of me, as his mount tried to bite at my throat.

“Nope. Just you, ya ugly bastard!” I yelled in defiance, as the world went sideways, and I jumped again.

Oh, wait, I got ahead of myself didn't I? Time for a little expository backstory. Grab a drink, it’’s a doozy! No, go ahead, I’ll wait.

Life was good. I was fresh out of college, a career ahead of me, my girl moving in with me, and about to pay off my car. I had friends, I had money (well, my parents had money), and it was time to celebrate. Five bars, six hours, and uncountable drinks later, most of my friends had either staggered home, or passed out somewhere. While not as epic as the pub crawl in a movie I had seen, it was still pretty damn epic, and there was only one more stop before sunrise. My girl had long ago had her friends take her home to sleep, and it was just me and my best friend at the end of the road.

“You sure this is the place?” At least that's what I heard in my head. I’m sure it came out more like “Dafuq dish shithole?”

My friend, Cho, fortunately was fluent in Drunkanese. He also spoke seven other languages, not a damn one I could make any sense of.

“Ya, my gramps told me bout this place. Real old chinese hoodoo shit. he buys his medicines from this old fart from the old country. Says he’s like a million years old, ‘n shit.” Leaning against a nearby wall, my friend grinned at me, and squinted. Well more than normal.

“And he sell some super chinese energy drink?” I felt the world swaying as I stood perfectly still, and eyed the sign before us. It was all dark and creepy, in some chinese shit I couldn't read. It reminded me of the shop in Gremlins, where the dad found the Mogwai.

“Yesh! He sez it either make you strong, or crazy. Or mebbe crazy strong!” He grinned stupidly at me, and I punched him in the arm.

“Well then, mebbe your skinny, egghead ass can keep up with me after this!” I laughed and made my way inside.

Inside the shop was much like I imagined, with jars and covered cages everywhere. Bottles of every color sat on shelves, all labeled in chinese. It was all surprisingly clean, and well lit, making me feel like I was in a museum, and I did my best not to drunkenly stumble into anything. Towards the back was our goal, a small wooden bar with red cushions to sit on. We both made our way over and had a seat, as the curtains ruffled behind the bar. I heard a voice call something in chinese, looked at my friend for a translation.

“He says he will be right with us.” My friend grinned back.

“So should I order the sushi?”

“Sushi is japanese, dumbass. Besides, we are here for drinks.” I just rolled my eyes. Cho was so damn easy to tease, and very proud of his heritage.

“Oh, you are american! Very rare that any but chinese come to my shop.” An old man, looking right out of kung-fu theater parted the bead curtain. He looked old as time, with bushy white eyebrows and s pointy goatee on the ocean of wrinkles that was his face. The most striking feature, however, was his eyes. One was wide open, and looked to be jaundiced yellow, while the other was squinted almost closed. Even stranger was, I could swear that whenever he blinked, the open eye switched places.

“So what can I get you gentlemen?” He blinked again, and the eyes switched. I was sure of it this time.

Cho rattled off something in chinese, and the old man responded with a surprised retort. They argued back and forth for a moment, before a creepy smile made it’s way across the old man’s face, revealing crooked teeth, and one overgrown incisor.

“Very well.” He stepped back through the curtain, humming something to himself. I smelled strange incense, and heard some popping noises, followed by a flash of light. Finally he came back, with two shot glasses on an ornate golden tray. Setting them before us, he paused to place a third cup, and fill it with tea from a kettle he somehow pulled from the arm of his robe.

“Bad luck to drink alone.” he commented at my look.

We all reached for our glasses, and I saw that under Cho and my glass was a golden coin, covered in writing. I looked at Cho, and he just shrugged.

“A gift, and a blessing.” the old man replied, and grinned that snaggletooth smile again. Raising his own cup, he intoned, “May you live in interesting times.”

“Isn't that also an old chinese curse?” I pondered, as I peered into the shotglass in my hand. Strange rainbow layers seemed to churn and flow without the colors ever blending.

“I guess it depends on who you ask, and what you consider ‘Interesting’.” Holding his cup out, we all tapped classes, and then drank.

It was actually pretty good. It reminded me of the old “suicide” snowballs I used to order as a kid. One shot of every flavor. It was disgusting, but yummy. I didn't feel much different, and I certainly didn't taste any alcohol. In fact, I seemed to be sobering up faster than normal, and the room was swaying much less.

“So, now what?” I looked over at Cho, who was staring straight ahead, a look of shock on his face. He was holding the coin up, staring at it. “What’s up? Something wrong?” He just slowly nodded, never taking his eyes off the golden coin.

I turned to ask our host what was going on, and froze. Now that the alcohol was rapidly burning out of my system, I could more clearly see his face. It had grown longer, and bushier. What I had taken for some costume piece now looked like a set of mismatched horns, and the snaggle tooth was now a large fang. It went well with the massive grin that was on his face as both eyes suddenly opened. Still mismatched, still yellow, and yet now with bright red irises.

“What the fuck?” I gasped.

“Hohoho! And now you get to go on an amazing adventure, my young friend! And as you asked, you will be made stronger for it.” He leaned back, and I saw a pair of mismatched wings unfold behind him, while his hands slid out of his sleeves to reveal an equally mismatched pair of animal claws. “You have a nice trip now, mmmkay? We will meet again, when it’s all over.” He waved happily to me with one great lion paw, as he snapped the fingers on his opposite eagle talon.

And suddenly, the world went sideways.

Pink. So much pink. Why the bloody hell is everything pink? And why can’t I move? “Oh just fucking great, I’m inside another corpse! Or wait, I can feel a heartbeat... Dammit! I’m in a cripple!”

“Who said that? It sounded like a stallion!” I heard a female voice question. “Are you making funny voices again, Surprize?”

“What? It wasn't me!” another voice chimed in, this one a bit higher pitched, and sounding much more excited. I tried to turn my head, but the body I was in refused to obey me. I felt the eyes blink, and refocused on a large tuft of bright pink hair hanging down in front of my face.

“Help! I’m trapped and can't move!” I cried. Or at least, I tried to cry out, only resulting in giving myself a headache.

“Owie! Not so loud! We can all hear you just fine.” A third voice chimed in, this one deeper and more sedate. “Just great, if it wasn't already crowded in here. Girls, I think we have a newcomer.”

“Ohh! A new one? And this one is a colt too! Yay, I always wanted to pretend to be a colt, and be all manly, with stubble on my chin, and walking funny in the morning as the fillies swoon over my swagger...” The excitable one babbled on again.

“Yes, Surprize, we know you are a closet lesbian, that’s why we don't let you out on dates.” The somber one interrupted, thankfully.

“What the fuck? Where am I? Why can’t I see you girls?” I started to panic. It wasn't my first time being haunted by voices. In one jump, I was actually haunted by the ghost of my host body, who had just died before I popped in. At least that time I could move my body, however, although being stuck in an animated corpse was decidedly not fun. Damn zombie worlds.

“You’re new at this, aren't you? Look up and to your left a little!” the first voice returned, and I felt the body blink again. Mentally trying to calm myself, I imagined looking up and to my left, as if trying to think up a new idea. Suddenly I saw them, two pink creatures, one bright and the other a darker shade. Floating above them was a white one, with golden hair, all with rounded faces and giant blue eyes. I mentally blinked, and shook my head, but the image remained, like a dream stuck in my head after waking.

“What the hell is going on? Who are you? What are you?” I tried again to run away, but the body still refused to respond. I could feel it working, as the lungs brought in air, and the twitch of a pulse revealed a beating heart. I could even feel the warmth of something against my skin.

“Welcome to my head, silly! You are my new secret friend!” The one with the first voice I had heard spoke up. She looked like a color swap of the white creature, with poofy hair and a big smile. She lacked the wings of the blond one though. The third one had a much smaller smile, looking more like a smirk, and her hair was straight and lifeless. It was strange, seeing them like this. It felt like I was looking into a rear view mirror in a car at creatures sitting in the back seat.

“I’m in your head? What kind of world is this? Is it another computer sim world?” I remembered the one world where I was stuck as a program in a machine. There were many others like me, and we each took turn controlling the cybernetic creature we worked inside. Definitely one of my stranger hops.

“I’m Pinkie Pie! These are the other me’s, Surprize, and Pinkamina.” Each waved as they were named. “You are the new voice in my head, and we all live in Ponyville. Although, I’m not really sure who you are, or how you got here. Usually we can read each other if we try, and know all about each other, but I can't read you.” Rubbing her chin with.. wait, was that a hoof? The other girls nodded in agreement.

“I’m not really sure what you are either. I mean, I used to have some strange imaginary friends when I was a filly, but you are weirder than them, and they were never really in my head.” She shrugged.

“Ooh! So you know what that means?” Surprize started bouncing and hovering in the air.

“Yes, Surprize. We all know about your latent homosexual desires. Give it a rest.” Pinkamina grumbled, rolling her eyes.

“What? NO! I meant that we can all throw a party to welcome our new secret friend! Oh, and he can tell us stories about himself, and we can learn who he is instead of sucking it out of his head and knowing it automagically!” I mentally blinked, yes that is possible, and stared at the hyperactive creature as she bounce-hover-flipped in the air with her wings. The others rolled their eyes.

“Surprize, you don't even have anything in your head to suck out.” Pinkamina drolled.

“She does have a good idea though. it will be like making a new friend, but in our head!” Pinkie Pie bounced, much like Surprize, but without the hovering.

“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie, although they sometimes call me Pinkie Prime.” She frowned a moment, and then it was gone. “I’m the original. Surprize is the pegasus over there. She is the fun crazy one, and helps us plan all of our parties! Watch out though, because she’s also a master prankster.” Surprize stuck her tongue out at me in response.

“The dark one is Pinkamina. She is the smart one, and keeps us from doing really stupid stuff. Although, we don’t always listen, and she makes sure to not let us forget it.” Pinkamina just nodded in response.

“And what are you?” I pondered.

“We’re ponies!” they all chorused.

“Ugh, I’m in a cartoon world, aren’t I? You don’t look anything like ponies I’ve seen before. Ponies are all short, shaggy, and alot more horse-like.” This got some confused looks.

“Well we assure you, in this world, this is what ponies look like. The question remains, who and what are you?” Pinkamina cocked an eyebrow at me, and the others just nodded in agreement.

“My name is Inigo Montoya. I have been many things, but I was originally a human. I’m stuck hopping from world to world, always stuck in the form of a local, although I usually have control of the body.” I shrugged, giving a bit of truth, mixed with a lie. Not my real name of course; I learned the hard way that a real name can sometimes give others power over you. Spend a dozen years trapped in a lamp, and you become a bit more cautious.

“Ooh, the Spaniard? I love that story!” Surprize bounced around on her back hooves, making swishing noises with a sword. Where she got a sword, I have no idea. Then again, we are in a head, so it probably WAS an idea. Literally. The other two just stared at her in confusion, until she noticed and stopped, laughing nervously and tossing the sword aside.

“Sorry, she does that. She does have a point though. Inigo isn't your real name, is it?” Again, the straight face and the raised eyebrow. Damn, smart chicks could be a pain.

“Well damn, I’m surprised that you heard of that story. It was from my original world, and unfortunately I haven't landed in that story world yet.” I shrugged, but still did not give my real name, hoping they would let the matter drop.

“Well, to tell the truth, we didn’t know the story, but somehow she does, which means now we do. Surprize can sometimes know things that nopony else does, but none of us know why.” Pinkie shrugged.

“How long has she been like this, Dash?” I suddenly heard a new voice. I blinked and refocused my mind to see what was going on outside the body, and saw a blue blur waving around.

“I dunno Twi. I flew by and saw her staring into space like this. I dropped in to say hi, but she hasn't moved a muscle in over twenty minutes!” Another voice responded, a bit more gruffly.

“Holy horseapples! Who’s at the helm?” Pinkie Pie cried out.

“I thought you were, Pinkie! Remember, I got to party last night, so today was your day to run around. Hurry, before Twilight casts something on us, or Dashie thinks we are possessed, or they get Zecora to pour a potion on us, or... mmmph!” I heard Surprize get interrupted, and Pinkamina sigh heavily.

“Get to it, Pinkie.”

“On it, Cap’n!”

“Oh, hiya Twilight, hiya Dashie! Are you guys here to look at the, uhh... flowers too? They are just so awesomely pretty this time of year!” I heard Pinkie’s voice coming from outside our head, and felt the world a bit more acutely. My sight cleared, as my eyes focused on the two ponies before me, and a kaleidoscope of color assaulted my vision. One was several shades of purple and pink, sporting a horn on her head, while the other was light blue with an impossible rainbow of color flowing off her head and tail. Additionally, I could see wings on her back like Surprize.

“Uhh, Pinkie, those aren't flowers. I think you were staring at a rock.” the purple one responded, rolling her eyes.

“Yea, Pinks, you had me kinda worried there. You were acting kinda weird, even for you.” rainbow hair chimed in.

“Oh, silly me! You would think I would know what a rock looks like, growing up on a rock farm and all. I guess I just got a bit distracted, and lost in my thoughts.” a grin spread across my face, and I wanted to chuckle at the horrible acting that I was being subjected to.

“You have thoughts? I thought it was all balloons and streamers in your head!” The blue mare snickered, before getting kicked by her friend.

“Rainbow Dash, that is not nice! We both know Pinkie is a very smart and thoughtful mare, even if she is a little.. random.” Twi chastised the other pony.

“Aww relax Twilight. She knows I’m just pullin her chain. We cool, right Pinkie Pie?” Rainbow Dash held out a hoof, and I felt Pinkie bump it with her own.

“Yupperooni! We are BPFFs! And my head is usually full of balloons, and streamers. Oh, and cupcakes, and parties, and frosting! Mmmmm... Creamy frosting!” I felt warm drool drip down my face as my eyes unfocused. Mentally, me and the others were laughing our asses off at the performance Pinkie was putting on. If she acted this weird all the time, it was no wonder her friends didn't know she was crazy.

“Hey! We are not crazy!” Surprize pouted.

“Oops, you heard that?” I cringed.

“Technically, we are crazy. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a well documented psychological condition and would most likely have us committed, and well medicated if anypony found out. So we hide it. And yes, when you project out loud like that, we can hear you loud and clear. Rule one of multiple personalities: They can hear you just fine without talking, so keep your mouth shut.” Pinkamina gave me a reproachful glare, and I mentally blushed.

“Oh, uh... sorry?” I looked back to the action.

“Well if you are sure you are okay, I’ll see you tonight at the slumber party.” Twilight was pulling away from a hug, as Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.

“Ehh, I may be there too. Gotta check my work schedule for tomorrow.” Dash shrugged, before launching herself into the air.

“Typical Dash. You know she has been looking forward to this all week. Would it hurt her to admit she likes hanging out with her friends and acting like a filly for once?” Twilight chuckled and rolled her eyes. She had pretty purple eyes. Wait, where did that thought come from?

“Yes, she does...” Surprize smiled, her own eyes half lidded, and a goofy grin on her face. “Oh, sorry. That was me.”

“Creepy. Please don’t do that again. It’s gonna be hard enough sharing a body without sharing a mind.” I sighed. This must be my punishment for all those brains I ate as a zombie. Karma is a bitch.

“Oh no, the party! We almost forgot about it! Quick, we need to get home and prepare.” Surprize squealed.

“I gotta get home now, Twilight. Party planning of this magnitude takes some serious effort. I’ll see you tonight!” Pinkie grinned and started to bounce off. Yes, she literally bounced as she moved, like a cartoon tiger.

“But Pinkie, I already have the party planned out!” I heard Twilight call out as I moved away, but Pinkie wasn't listening, and ignored it. And off we went to our new home.

Well, it was new to me.

Author's Note

Human in Equestria is so overdone. Let's have Human in Pinkie Pie instead!

What? EEW! Get your mind out of the gutter! Where else am I gonna sleep?

Truth or Dare

“So let me get this straight. You live in a gingerbread house?” I was rather amused by the pony architecture. It was a mixture of high fantasy, and old middle english. Lots of thatch and plaster, and brightly colored enough to hurt the eyes. The ponies themselves were equally as colorful, with no rhyme or reason to their color scheme. But Pinkie’s house took the cake, no pun intended. It looked like some abomination from a christmas card brought into the real world.

“Yeah, it’s awesome! But you can't eat it.” Pinkie sighed. “I tried when I first moved here, and it tastes terrible.” The other girls snickered at what must be an old joke.

We were now in her room, which was the very epitome of girlishness, with almost everything decorated in shades of pink, and lace and hearts everywhere. It was as if Barbie had a stroke, and then took up interior design.

“And does everyone have other people in their heads here?” I pondered.

“Nope, just us!” Surprize answered, happily.

“Actually, there are many documented cases, although it is very rare, and there are no known cases where the other personalities are as lucid and independent.” Pinkamina explained. “Also, none of them are as self aware, it seems.”

“Weird. It’s definitely a first for me.” Looking outwards, I watched Pinkie bouncing around her room as she prepared for her visit to her friend.

“So how long have you been traveling between worlds?” Surprize asked me. I swear I could even feel her leaning over my shoulder as she talked. It was strange feeling physical contact with something in my head, while also feeling the real world through the body I was in.

“I lost count long ago. Some worlds I stay on longer than others. Sometimes the coin makes me jump, and other times an accident makes me jump early.” I shuddered at the memories of all the times I died horribly.

“This thing is really cool, and so pretty. Hard to believe it’s cursed.” Pinkie was holding up the coin that was on a string around my neck. It glistened like the first time I had seen it, still just as unreadable to me, despite having picked up over a hundred languages in my travels. “And nopony else can see it?”

“Well, most can't. I guess you can because I’m in your body. Usually only very powerful magic users can even detect its presence. Even then, most can't touch it.” I sighed wearily. “And no matter how I try, I can't get rid of it. I’ve tossed it into the deepest of oceans, buried it underground, even launched it into the heart of a sun. It always reappears around my neck, or somewhere nearby.”

“Pinkie, time check!” Pinkamina broke in, causing my host’s head to snap up toward the clock on the wall.

“Ohmygosh! It’s almost time for the party, we gotta get moving!” Pinkie grabbed the last of her party supplies, and threw them into her bags on her back. Sprinting for the door, she was down the stairs and into the street in the space of an eye blink. I would have felt motion sick if I was fully in control of the body at those speeds. In a bound, we made our way down the street, somehow managing to wave and smile at every pony we past, and not even slow down as the houses passes in a blur.

“Wheeee! This is as much fun as chasing Dashie!” Surprize cheered. Pinkamina just shook her head.

Next thing I knew, we were in front of a giant tree, with a door carved into it. Pinkie was tapping a hoof on the portal, and grinning from ear to ear.

“Holy hell, did we just teleport here? I didn't feel any magic!” I looked back at the others, who were grinning at me.

“No magic, just the power of Pinkie!” Pinkie thought to me. “If there is a party that needs attending, then this pony is there!”

The door opened, revealing a small, pudgy lizard creature, resembling a chubby kobold. He was an outlandish purple and green, with wicked green eyes like a cat. His claws were rather well trimmed for such a creature, and he looked at us with a bored expression.

“Oh, hiya Pinkie Pie.” Turning, he yelled over his shoulder. “Twilight, Pinkie is here!”

“Let her in, I’ll be ready in a minute!” I heard the voice of the purple unicorn from earlier drift from deeper in the room.

“Hiya Spike! Are you staying for the party?” Pinkie bounced and grinned at the little critter.

“Naa. Slumber parties are for girls and stuff. I’m spending the night with Big Mac and the Crusaders. We’re gonna camp out in the orchard and tell ghost stories! I even got some marshmallows to roast.” Grinning a rather carnivorous smile, he pulled a bag from behind his back.

“Oooh, better not tell Rarity about that!” Pinkie smiled and winked.

“What? Why?” Spike looked confused.

“Oh, nooothing!” Pinkie sang.

“Anyone tell you you are really silly, Pinkie?”

“All the time! I’m so good at it too!” Humming to herself, she bounced into the room, while Spike shook his head and made his way out.

“Hello Pinkie Pie!” Twilight’s voice came from the kitchen. “Most of the girls are upstairs. We were just waiting for you and Rainbow Dash.”

“Super! That means I’m on time!” Pinkie grinned and bounced her way up the steps. “Hiya girls! Is everypony ready for an awesome slumber party?”

“Oh my, yes! We has such a delightful time at the last one when me and Applejack stayed over.” A white unicorn I hadn't met yet flashed a winning smile as she fluttered her eyelashes in the direction of an orange pony wearing a western style cowboy hat.

“That’s Rarity, and Applejack is the orange earth pony. They still won’t tell us what happened at that party!” Surprize announced from my shoulder. I could feel her chin resting there, and almost felt the tickle of her curly mane on my face. It was bizarre.

“Darn tootin, we had a hay of a good time.” Applejack blushed a bit, but smiled back, avoiding Rarity’s look. “Ah ‘specially loved seeing ya soaking wet from that storm.”

“Ahh yes, darling. You do have a way of making a mare wet, don't you?” Rarity retorted, her smile taking on a more predatory look. “Although, I was equally surprised at how well you cleaned up in that delightful dress.” This just caused Applejack to sputter, and cover her face with her hat.

“Yes! I knew it!” Cheered Surprize, causing me to flinch away from the sound in my ear. I looked back to see her sticking her tongue out at Pinkamina, who passed her a small pouch that made the telltale clink of coinage. “Applejack and Rarity sitting in a tree, B-U-C-K-Mmmph!”

I couldn't help but laugh at the antics, as Pinkamina shoved a hoof in the white mare’s mouth. Pinkie joined me by laughing out loud, which caused both Rarity and Applejack to blush, misunderstanding her reaction.

“Well I am just happy to spend a night with my friends.” A pastel yellow mare spoke softly. I hadn't even noticed she was there, she was so still and quiet. She had a pair of wings, like Rainbow Dash, and pastel pink hair which she tended to hide behind. She reminded me of some of the shy emo kids back in school, but with far less black makeup and piercings.

“I love my little critter friends so dearly, but they really can be a hoofful at times. Sometimes having some time away is... nice.”

“I know what you mean, Fluttershy. I love the twins as if they were my own, but some days I need to get away and decompress. If I had to care for as many animals as you do, they would drive me absolutely batty! Especially the bats.” Pinkie smiled at the shy pegasus, and received a warm smile in return.

Suddenly there was tap at the window, before a burst of air heralded the entrance of the blue flier from earlier. The girls all cheered, as she stopped in mid-air to pose, before dropping to the floor and unloading her bags.

“Uhh, Rainbow? Ain't you a bit old to be haulin ‘round that stuff? I thought those things were for little foals?” Applejack rolled her eyes and pointed to the blue and gold sleeping bag, and the small plush toy Rainbow Dash was unpacking.

“Are you kidding me? This here is an authentic Wonderbolts sleeping bag, signed by the entire team after I attended the academy. And this!” Picking up the plush, she reverently held it aloft. “This is an hoof stitched, custom plushie of Daring Do, wearing the outfit she wore in the third book, where she had to infiltrate a Nightmare Moon cult. I picked it up at the last DaringCon, and had her sign it herself!” She snuggled the toy lovingly. “Isn’t it the cutest?” She gave a very feminine squeal of affection.

“Ahem, yes quite. I’m sure Miss Yearling is quite proud to have fans such as you.” Rarity rolled her eyes, and shared a look with Applejack, who was biting down on her hat to keep from laughing.

“Yes, I can see the stitching on the outfit must have taken a long time to do. I have one of Miss Dove’s animal plushies myself, and it cost me over four hundred bits.” Fluttershy tenderly touched the dolls clothing, and smiled warmly. “This must have cost a fortune!”

Rarity made a disgusted noise at this, while Applejack lost control and started laughing. Pinkie decided to laugh as well for some reason, while I looked back to see Surprize and Pinkamina sharing a bag of popcorn they had gotten from somewhere.

“Oh shut up, Applejack. I know all about that doll your brother plays with. It’s not even a collectable!” Dash sneered, causing the orange mare to sober up.

“Now you leave mah bruther outta this! It’s got, uhh.. sentimental value, an stuff...” Applejack glared at the blue flier.

“Oh pull-eeeze darling! What it has, is Twilight’s scent all over it!” Rarity snarked cattily.

“What has my scent?” Twilight asked as she entered the room, a tray of food and drinks floating behind her in a violet glow.

“Ooooooh Snap!” I heard Pinkie, Surprize, and Pinkamina say at once. Somehow Pinkie had joined the other two eating popcorn, and was slurping from a giant cup with a crazy straw sticking out of it.

“Oh. Um, I meant the room. Yes, dear. The room smells of you.” Rarity tried to recover, blushing furiously.

“Oh, sorry, but it is my bedroom after all. I hope it doesn't offend anypony. I know sometimes I forget to shower when I get focused on a study project.” Twilight looked dejected, her eats splayed back and her tail drooping as she blushed.

“Oh no, no! I didn’t mean to offend, my dearest Twilight!” Rarity backpedaled further. Across the room, Applejack and Dash were grinning with schadenfreude. “It’s actually a rather delightful scent, like books and lavender. Very becoming for a young, single librarian.” Her smile was brittle, and beads of sweat began to form on her brow.

“Oh, thanks Rarity, that's sweet of you to say!” Twilight hugged her friend, who sighed with relief.

“You go, sexy librarian Twilight!” Cheered Dash.

“Aaand the moment is ruined. Thanks Dash.” Twilight deadpanned, stepping away from Rarity to give the pegasus a half lidded glare.

“What? Some ponies are into the sexy librarian look.” Dash shrugged. “Myself, I prefer a nice athletic stallion, with some stubble, maybe a mustache. And a whip. Yeah...”

“Your porn stash says otherwise, miss ‘Mare of the Month Club’.” It was Applejack’s turn to deadpan, causing Dash to sputter as the others laughed.

“What? Those weren't mine, I swear! I was, uhh, they were, umm, delivered to me by mistake! Derpy is always bringing me the wrong mail.” Dash turned bright red while the rest of her friends snickered.

Okay, okay. We can all talk about Dash’s sexual preferences later, it’s number fifteen on the list. For now, we have snacks and music!” Twilight pulled out a glowing checklist, and marked off the first item. I blinked as I briefly saw that halfway down, the list did indeed have an item labeled ‘Discuss Rainbow Dash’s Sex Life’. Right above something about Fluttershy and a sex change? What kind of slumber party was this?

“Oh she must be using the book I sent her on adult slumber parties! I got is special ordered from this store in Neighpon.” Surprize giggled, getting an eye roll from the other two ponies sharing her head.

The evening turned into night, and the events went one by the numbers. Twilight was adamant that everything be done according to her checklist. I remember dating a girl like that in college. needless to say it didn't work out. Or, according to her, my inability to reliably follow established and agreed upon procedure to facilitate the smooth operation of a relationship. Yea, screw that.

Or not, as the case turned out.

So the next thing I know, we are in the middle of a game of Truth or Dare. For some reason, Twilight managed to combine it with Spin the Bottle for maximum efficiency, and the turns became random. Meanwhile, the girls sharing headspace with me decided to pull out their own bottle and spun to decide who got to control the body during the party games.

“Woohoo! Lookatit go!” Surprize had ploped what looked alot like an old fashioned coke bottle and started it spinning. From my point of view, all three of the ponies were sitting in a semicircle, with me opposite them. How Pinkie managed to sit with the other two while also controlling the body was beyond me. And yet, there she was as the bottle spun wildly.

“Okay, here it comes! Moment of truth! Anypony wanna place bets?” Pinkie grinned as the bottle slowed. I preemptively facepalmed, knowing my past relationship with Murphy’s Law was inevitably going to force the bottle to point at me.

“Yay! Congratulations... uhh. We never did get your real name.” Pinkie looked at me with one eyebrow raised.

“John. John Smith.” I replied, keeping my mind closed. It was basically the psychic equivalent of a poker face, and a skill I picked up on a world with mind readers. Thankfully they bought it.

“Yay! Johnny gets to run things for awhile! Just remember the rules.” Pinkie suddenly grew somber for the first time.

“Don’t talk out loud to us, we can hear you in our head.” Pinkamina started to tell me the rules while the others just nodded. “Never tell anypony about us, or that you hear voices. Always refer to yourself as Pinkie, or Pinkie Pie. Don’t make any promises that you can’t keep yourself, without asking us first. When your turn is up, you give control over to the next pony.”

I nodded agreement, and they all smiled. “Now what do I do?”

“Just concentrate a bit on moving the body, and you will snap into control. As long as one of us isn't fighting you, it will happen automatically.” Pinkamina once again was the voice of reason.

“And remember to have fun!” Pinkie chimed in, getting a nod from the others.

I did as instructed, and concentrated on moving my hand. Suddenly there was a tingling in the back of my scalp, like a cold chill, and my eyes unfocused. An instant later they refocused, and my arm moved. The world snapped into focus, and I could feel every little bit of the body, from the fur on the skin to the strange sensation of having hooves. It wasn't the first time I had been a non-human creature, nor the first time having hooves, and yet being a pony was still new to me. I couldn't help but grin as a feeling of happiness settled on me.

And at that moment, the bottle stopped in front of me, and all the other ponies grinned in my direction. “Your turn, Pinkie! Truth, or dare?” Twilight smiled at me.

“Umm, dare?” I responded. I didn't know enough about Pinkie to give any true answers.

“Okay, since I went last I get to give the dare.” Rainbow Dash grinned mischievously. “I dare you to... Kiss Twilight!”

“W-what?” Twilight sputtered. “Why me?”

“I dunno, because it would be funny? C’mon, you got me to let Rarity braid my mane! Now it’s payback!” Dash was still sporting a rather attractive braid in her rainbow mane, with a cute bow at the end.

Meanwhile, there was a bit of a scuffle going on on Pinkie’s head. “No! She’s mine! I wanna kiss her! You know I gotta crush on Twilight.” Surprize was desperately trying to take control, and didn't even know how to let her.

“No way, Surprize. Johnny won fair and square, and he gets control until the game is over.” Pinkie was holding Surprize back, while Pinkamina rolled her eyes.

“Please Pinkamina, you gotta help me here! I don't even understand why you don't wanna date Twilight too. You are smart like her. You two would make a perfect couple already.” Begging, Surprize tried to win her sister’s approval. “Imagine how happy we would be with Twilight!”

“The problem is, I am not into mares. You are the fillyfooler, not me.” Pinkamina replied coolly.

“Don’t knock it until you try it!” the white mare replied glibly.

“I was there when you tried it, remember?” the darker sister spat.

“Oh yea, eheh.” Surprize laughed nervously, and rubbed the back of her head. “That time in baking camp. I wonder what ever happened to Cream Puff? She was a real cutie!”

“I’m sure she grew out of her little experimenting phase and found a nice stallion to ride.” Pinkamina grew positively catty as she glared at the lighter mare.

“Oh.” Looking downtrodden, Surprize stared at her hooves.

Meanwhile, the real world was intruding.

“Pinkie? You don't have to if you don't want to.” Rarity was looking worried, and Twilight was looking sadly dejected, as I realise I had been staring with a blank look on my face while the other ponies in my head were arguing.

Suddenly, I felt a strange sucking sensation, and my body went numb. I felt a huge grin appear on my face against my will, and I realised that I was no longer in control.

“Pucker up!” Suddenly, we were kissing Twilight with unbridled passion. She froze at first from shock, but then melted into the kiss. I felt hooved tangling in her hair, and checked to see what was happening. I saw Pinkie and Pinkamina staring in shock with their jaws open as Surprize continued to tongue wrestle with the sexy librarian.

I gotta say, it was one of the better kisses I’ve experienced, even if I wasn't in control. And as soon as it started, it was over.

“Wow. Pinkie, that was... just, wow.” Twilight panted breathlessly.

“It’s Surprize.” Eyes half lidded, we responded. I could hear our our pounding, as we panted for breath ourself.

“What?” the purple mare responded, looking confused.

“Uh, oh. I mean, I was just as surprised as you. It felt good, right?” Surprize’s voice sounded plaintive, almost pleading.

“Yes, Pinkie. It was rather nice, and definitely a surprise.” Smiling shyly, I could see a blush bloom across her face.

Suddenly, I was back in control, and I noted that the other two sisters were holding the white mare back. Despite this, she had a triumphant grin on her face as she was retrained by the other two, who looked shocked.

“Get back in there!” Pinkamina ordered, looking at me.

And like that, I was looking at a blushing Twilight, who was avoiding eye contact. “Ahah, sorry. I just wanted to know what it was like.” I released the flustered mare, and stepped away, blushing furiously myself.

“Whoooo!! Go Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash cheered, as the other mares clopped their hooves and cheered me on. Twilight just blushed more and looked away.

“Ahem, so. Um, now who’s turn is it?” I asked.

“Spin the bottle to find out!” Applejack replied.

“Oh yeah, silly me. Here we go!” I tried my best to sound like Pinkie, as I tapped the bottle with a hoof, sending it spinning. It whizzed around wildly, until slowing to point once again at me. “Oh crud.” I responded.

“Whoh nelly! Pinkie, I think that thar bottle likes ya!” Applejack cheered.

“Ahem. I believe I should ask next, then.” Twilight spoke up, swallowing her earlier embarrassment.

I felt sweat starting to bead on my forehead. I wasn't sure I could survive another dare set by these randy mares, especially one set by the pony I had just molested. I made a choice.

“Truth!” I swallowed, hoping that the others could coach me through whatever was asked of me.

“Okay Pinkie Pie. Answer me this: What is the worst thing you have ever done?” Grinning maliciously, I realized I had made the wrong choice. However I was quite prepared to lie.

“Oh, c’mon Twilight? What kinda question is that?” Dash blurted out.

“Really, darling. Dash has a point, this is Pinkie Pie we are talking about.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Her worst thing probably involves burning cupcakes or something.”

“Oh that’s fine with me. However, to make sure, I am going to cast a truth spell on her.” Twilight’s grin grew bigger, and I was suddenly reminded of a particular cat on one of the worlds I visited.

“Oh no...” I swallowed. This was not going to end well.

Suddenly I heard the sound of a spell being cast, and felt my body tingle. Looking back at my mental companions, I saw they were all frozen with looks of horror on their faces.

“So, I ask again Pinkie. What is the worst thing that you have ever done?” Twilight asked, her voice silky smooth.

Against my will, I felt my lips moving, and the words escaping them. “Well Twilight, that would be the day that I killed myself.”

Author's Note

I hope you have all been enjoying the fun and lighthearted humor. This is where it ends. Next chapter I get to earn that DARK tag! :pinkiecrazy:

Suicide is Painless

Author's Note

Happy Halloween!
Here is the unedited copy, pushed out early to make my holiday headline. Do be aware this is where the gore tag comes into play. I will be updating this later once my editor ~~gets off his ass~~ has time to edit!

Suicide is Painless

“Wait a minute, what does she mean? Killed herself? Twilight, are you casting that spell right?” Rainbow Dash flew up into Twilight’s face and started to wave her hooves around.

“Yes of course I cast it correctly. I’ve cast it plenty of times.” Annoyed, she pushed the pegasus out of her personal space.

This made my blood run cold. It was not the first time I had a truth spell cast on me, but this was the first time a relative neophyte had cast it. There was a very good reason why, on most magic using worlds, only someone of great power or status such as a grand inquisitor was allowed to use such spells. While not technically rape in the physical sense, it was pretty damn close to psychological rape, and borderline mind control. In most worlds, it was forbidden.

“Pinkie, we are all your friends and love you very much, and we would never want you to hurt yourself. I have to know, when did you try to kill yourself, and why?” Putting a hoof on my shoulder, she looked into my eyes. I felt another shiver run through my body, and the others seemed frozen as the spell took hold and the body poured forth the answer asked of it. Unfortunately, since I was the one in control, it answered the question with information from my subconscious mind, instead of Pinkie’s.

“Oh, I didn't try to kill myself. I succeeded rather well, although it didn't last very long. I remember hearing a song once, that claimed suicide was painless. I guess that only counts if you stay dead.”

It was quite often that I jumped into an unconscious body. I have a theory that the host needs to be either asleep, or passed out in some way. Or maybe it’s just easier that way. Often I wake up in bed, but a few times I have opened my eyes to find myself at the bottom of a cliff, or even under water. This was the first time I found myself out of breath with a noose around my neck.

It hurt like hell, my entire body felt weak, my lungs burned, and my head throbbed. Somehow I found the strength to loosen the rope, and find the stool I had stepped off of. It was a while before I could stop gasping for air and stand up, and even then, the pain almost made me black out again. Why had I tried to hang myself?

Searching the room, I realized I was in a modern civilization, surrounded with many of the comforts I was used to on my home world. Television, electric lights, even a computer. There was plenty of food and water, and it seemed to be a lovely fall day outside. Strangely the signal to the TV was out, showing only static, and the internet seemed to be off as well, but the power was on. Some first aid, and some food, and I was feeling much better. A search for a note or other sign of duress that would lead to my earlier condition was nowhere to be found. This guy must not have cared if anyone knew why he wanted to die.

An old newspaper was my first clue that something was not as right as it seemed. The front page proclaimed the end of the world, and the article talked about an outbreak spreading. Government was in a state of emergency, and infected people were urged to report for care. No mention was made of what the infection was. The article ended on a darker note, urging any uninfected people to stay away from the infected, and to report them immediately.

All sorts of doomsday scenarios went through my mind, as I pondered biological warfare, plagued, or worse. I had read enough stories on world ending diseases. Hell, The Stand was one of my all time favorite books. I imagined Randall Flagg making his way across the country, laughing as the world burned, and gathering the survivors for the end of days. I guess the poor shmuck I was inside of didn't have the balls to tough out the end.

Well, what is the worst that could happen to me? I would die horribly to some disease, and then be forced to jump to the next world. Wouldn't be the first time.

Looking out of the spaces between the boards covering the windows, the street seemed to be deserted. I idly rubbed my neck, the pain reminding me that my body was not in the best condition. I checked the locks on the doors and decided take stock of my supplies. The food I had found earlier was all canned or dried, so no worries about spoilage. There was dried drink mix to stave off scurvy, and the water was mostly bottled, with a filter system on hand. Whoever this guy was had prepared for a long haul. So why the hell did he try to end it?

Finally I found what I was looking for: the pharmaceutical supplies. This guy had a major hookup in the form of antibiotics, pain meds, and plenty of alcohol. Yes, the drinkable kind.

On a hunch, I checked the wallet. “Geaorge Summerton, M.D. Well that explains the meds. Weird spelling though.” Well that was what I tried to say to myself. In reality my damaged larynx gave out halfway through saying my name. Rope burns hurt folks, even if you use fancy nylon rope.

Needless to say, a couple of Percocets and two rum and cokes later, I stopped giving a fuck. I was quite relaxed in a comfortable chair, reading this world’s version of National Geographic magazine. There was an interesting article about some native tribe that was run entirely by women, where men were traded like cattle. They were also required to wear some rather kinky fetish gear, while the women were entirely nude. Damn, I missed frat parties.

I had apparently fallen asleep at some point, the candle I was using as the night descended had burned out, and it was pretty dark. Power was still on in the house, so I decided to just turn on a light. Why waste a fixed resource when electricity was free? I checked the fridge, and saw one more cold beer left, along with a can of sardines. I don’t care what world you are on, or what body you are in; Sardines are nasty! I’ve been in a cat-person, and still I hated them.

So, back to relaxing with my last beer, and my thoughts. The usual glow from the coin around my neck was missing, which meant I had at least a few weeks before my next jump. There was food and water enough for months, and no firearms in sight. That counted out starvation and russian roulette for entertainment. Barring some apocalyptic warlord, gang, or other disaster, I had only boredom to fight against for my survival. I’ve survived worse.

That was when I heard the banging. Something or someone was making a racket outside my door. I cursed myself for being a moron and leaving the light on. Anyone for blocks around could see I was the only house with signs of life. I left a beacon on that told everyone to come on by to share my supplies.

Cursing quietly to myself, I made my way to the door, and peered through the spyhole. What I saw suddenly made everything make sense. Standing in the hallway was the remains of at least a dozen corpses. The problem was, they were all standing in the hallway, and beating on my door. It seems the infection that was so mildly being described was the fucking zombie apocalypse, and I was at ground zero with an army of undead at my door. Suddenly, death by boredom didn't seem so bad.

In fact, suddenly death made plenty of sense, and I understood why my host had tried to kill himself. I ran a mental checklist on what I had on hand to finish the job. No guns, drugs would take too long, and even chemicals would be iffy at best. It seems the good doctor was on an environmental kick, and everything under the sink was nontoxic. Even the old slashed wrists took time. Death tended to make me jump early, so I could avoid being eaten alive by...

That was it! I was three stories up, and the fall should kill me nicely. A quick swan dive off the balcony, and i was road pizza, with a quick trip to the next level of hell. Judging by the way the hinges on the door were starting to move, it wouldn't be a moment too soon. In a quick motion, I threw open the curtains, and started pulling down boards. Luckily they were only there to block the view, and lightly tacked in place. A few swift kicks, and the last board came down, just as I heard the door start to give way. The howling screams and moans of the undead doubled in volume as they caught sight of their prey.

“Later losers! Catch ya on the flip side!” I shot a double barreled finger salute as I launched myself backwards through the window toward the pavement below. The sadly confused looks of the walking corpses framed my view as I sailed backwards, and I felt a hand brush my foot as I made my exit. Sweet freedom was mine, and I grinned as gravity claimed me.

Memories of sky diving, body surfing, and other free fall activities came to me, and I fought against all my training to land safely, instead bracing for the most brutal landing possible. The wind whistled in my ears as the window shrank quickly away from me, and i closed my eyes with a smile. I would all be over in a moment and I just relaxed into the fall.

A fall that was abruptly ended as I impacted on something soft and squishy. I moaned in pain, as my entire body seemed to be transformed into one giant bruise. Then suddenly I froze, and ice filled my veins as an answering moan came from under me, and I realized what had happened. My dumb ass landed on a zombie, and now I was going to die the painful way.

“Aww fuck me!” I cried, and tried to scramble to my feet, only to have my legs swept out from under me. The corpse I had landed on was quick to recover, and held me in a grip that only the damned could achieve. What was worse, there were more of them that noticed me, and headed my way.

My struggled were in vain, and I sighed in defeat as I accepted that this was gonna hurt like hell. Well, at least now I could write being eaten alive off my list. I kinda blacked out after the first ten seconds, but I’d like to think I didn't scream too much.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up, but you can't move? Or perhaps it wasn't a dream? Or maybe you got some damn drunk that you can see and hear everything, but you are locked in your head and can’t talk or move your body right. This was worse. Far worse.

There wasn't any pain, there was little sensation at all, but I could hear and smell everything. The color seemed to have drained out of the world, and yet the smallest chirping bird was clear as day, and the rot and blood around me came on the softest of breezes. All of this I was experiencing before I realized what was going on, or that I was already standing on my feet. I couldn't tell what wounds I had, since I couldn't move y head, or even my eyes. I just say back for the ride. A line from a song came to mind: “There’s someone in my head, and it’s not me.”

I was a zombie. Walking dead, damned soul, flesh eater, so many names came to mind. And in my fleshy prison, I screamed.

I am pretty sure I blacked out again, because the next thing I noticed, I was in another part of town, shuffling down the street. It appeared to be late afternoon, and there were a handful of other zombies around. Slowly I shuffled, aimlessly searching for whatever the new thing in my head wanted. I kept trying to regain control of the body, but it was like I was locked in a room with only a video feed from the outside. I couldn't even beat on the walls. Panic once again started to take hold as I imagined being stuck here on this world as a rotting corpse for years. I was a prisoner, strapped down and forced to watch as something else lived my life in horrific ways.

Suddenly, my view snapped up, and I heard a sound. a hushed whisper, and the smell of living flesh flooded my senses. The body I was in growled, starting low and rising in volume until it was a howl. With alarming speed, the body sprinted forward, seeking it’s prey. There was a scream as we rounded a corner, and saw the thing we craved. Flesh. Warm, living, full of lifeforce. It was a young girl, dirty and wearing ragged clothing, and screaming for all she was worth.

In a flash we lept forward, only to have something smash into us, sending us off course. I landed in a heap, but with a growl, I was back on my feet in an instant, and searching for the new target. My prey was a grizzled old man, wielding a baseball bat. He looked as filthy and scared as the little girl, but there was a determined glint in hid eye, tempering his fear.

“Susana, run! It’s a fresh one. I’ll hold it off, just get to the shelter!” The man barked in a hoarse whisper, trying not to attract any others to the feast. The girl whimpered, and scrambled through a door. I took a step to follow, but a whistle and sudden movement brought me back to the main threat in the room.

“That’s right you bastard, say with me! I’m the one you want, right? Nice n’ juicy, eh?” He swung the bat in my direction a few times, keeping my attention.

With a grow, I squatted down low, preparing to pounce. The man took a fighting stance, holding the bat at ready. With a sudden jerk of my head, I spat at his face, blood and gore hitting his square in the eyes. I bet he never saw that trick before! In an instant, I charged my startled prey, and my teeth were at his throat. The taste and smell of blood filled my senses as I dragged him to the ground. inside his guard, his attempts to fight were pathetic as my superior strength pinned him down. The lifeforce flowed out of him in a violent flood, as his movements grew weaker and weaker. As he sputtered his last breath, I grinned savagely and started to feed.

I felt my body grow stronger, as my hunger was sated, but it was only a matter of time before the hunger returned, and I would rise to feed again. But for now, this meal made me whole, as my mind slipped away into an animalistic feeding frenzy.

And do the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into... I honestly don't remember. The closer I came to feeding, the less of my mind remained my own, and the more the creature took over. I wish I could say I was horrified by what happened. I really wish I could. The lines quickly became blurred, and the ecstasy of feeding overwhelmed the horror of what I had become, and the time between was a blur of mindless inactivity.

I roamed, I hunted, I fed. What I never did was sleep, or feel. The numbness of my body began to overtake my soul, and soon I lived only for the brief moments that I felt alive. Oh and the blood. So much blood, so many screams. Victims were few and far between, but the taste of living flesh in my mouth became as exquisite as the finest ambrosia, and as heady as the most potent wines. I’m not sure at what point I gave up on my humanity, but it eventually happened. It would happen to anyone in a situation beyond their control. I was trapped and bound more tightly than any jail, and with a sentence longer than life. I was truly damned.

Then, one day something changed.

It started like the average day, with the sky grey, and the trees grey. Did I mention that the undead are colorblind? No? Well everything was grey. There were no birds, no bugs, no animals of any kind. Anything that made a sound was either long ago consumed, or fled the area of infection. I was shuffling along with some of my buddies, some regular zeds that roamed my little patch of city. There was Zeke, Zeno, Zeus, and Mumbles. I think Mumbles still had some brain function left, because he seemed to mumble to himself instead of the normal groans and moans the others made.

Well, suddenly there was a sound, and all of us froze. Some sniffed the air, casting about for a scent, others crouched low for a quick attack. At this point, my body was slowing down, and I was no longer a sprinter. The muscles had deteriorated, and I was well on my way to becoming a shuffler like the classic zombies seen in films. That was something the movies never told you. Fresh zombies were like adrenaline fueled crack heads, running and throwing themselves at inhuman speeds. Over time, however, the body continues to degrade, and the movement and reflexes slow. Eventually every zombie devolves into a rotting corpse, shuffling along slowly toward it’s eventual doom. Some even go dormant for long periods of time, conserving energy until a mean comes by. Of course, feeding rejuvenates the body, and we regain some more mobility for a short time, but it never lasts, and eventually the time runs down, leaving is as an ambling husk.

But I’ve gotten off topic. The sound came again, a cry and the clink of metal on metal. Me and Mumbles were among the freshest, and the first to respond, as we shot forward at a brisk walk. I felt the hunger overtaking me as the vile fluids began to ooze from my mouth in anticipation of another meal. Coming around a corner, I overtook Mumbles, and was the first to fall into the trap.

Before me was a girl. not just any girl, but the one I had nearly caught my first day as a living corpse. She glared at me defiantly, as she shone a light in my eyes. This did little to slow my body, as it shot forward towards the living flesh that was my goal. I let out a howling moan as I stumbled closer, not even noticing the clang of the gate slamming closed behind me. i came up short as my arms thrust through the bars of a cage, coming inches short of my goal. The girl jumped back, a gleam of fear tempering her arrogance, as she screams. I throw myself at the bars keeping me from my prey, and she giggles nervously.

“Got ya now, ya smelly bastard! And now the doc is gonna slice ya up, and find a cure. So you can just bite my arse!” Turning around, the girl wiggle the offered morsel in front of me, bringing forth another howling moan. “Oh, I’m sorry, but it seems you can’t bite my arse! Sucks to be you!” With a final smirk, the girl steps through a hidden door, and out of sight. Without a target, my body starts to wind down to conserve energy, and soon my mind slips away.

The next thing I remember, I am in a room that may have once been part of a hospital. Neglect and looting has reduced it to a macabre parody, like one would find in a survival horror game, with water damage and flickering lights that gave off an annoying buzzing sound. My host couldn't move, and he was fighting the restraints to get away, with little success.

“Specimen zero-four-six appears to be a male.” I heard a man talking out of view. “Judging by the condition of the body, he is approximately thirty to forty years old, and was in good health before becoming infected. He shows some signs of degeneration, but appears to be a rather recent victim, no more than a year since turning.” As the voice continued to drone on, I saw the owner step into view, wearing a white lab coat, and glasses. He appeared to be talking into a recorder as he examined me.

“Specimen’s recent infection makes him a prime candidate for study, and the possibility of a cure.” My mind latched onto that one word, cure, and grabbed it like a drowning man. I prayed that my nightmare may soon be over.

“Attempts to sedate the specimen have failed, resulting in only temporary paralysis, but were effective enough to restrain him. We will not start with the extraction procedure.” The what?

Suddenly I saw from the corner of my eye a table of tools, including that was no doubt a portable bone saw, with a circular blade. If I could feel my blood, it would have ran cold as the man picked it up. My fear must have translated to my host, as it began to struggle harder. Whatever was in control if this body knew what was coming, and it didn't like it one bit.

“Proceeding with brain extraction. Beginning cranial incision.” That’s not an incision you quack, that's sawing my goddamn head off!

And as the blade spun up, and made contact with my head, I felt pain for the first time since my death at the hands of the zombie horde. Pain such as I had never felt in my many lives. It was as if a searing hot stream of acid was slowly melting away the top of my head. I remember reading somewhere that the brain can't actually feel, because it has no touch or pain receptors. If that was true or not, the thing that was in control now surely felt pain. My silent scream of agony was matched by the vocal one that my host made, and the walls shook with the sound.

“Interesting. It’s as if the specimen can actually feel the pain. It should be noted that the sounds it is making are different than any heard from other infected.” Pausing only to make a note, the man returned to his slow slicing of my skull.

As we screamed and struggled, the bonds became slick with the blackened ichor that served as blood, and the table we were secured to groaned in protest. Slowly we felt the straps fraying as we fought against the pain and our captivity. Finally the buzzing of the saw stopped, and the heavy thunk could be heard as it was placed on the table.

“I am now removing the cranial cap to expose the infected brain.” Another note was made, and the feeling of pain increased as the top of my head was slowly pried loose.

“My god! It’s not a brain! It-it’s some sort of heart!” The surprised gasp of my tormentor came, just as the final thread of the restraints snapped free. The pain from my head was nearly blinding, but I managed to tear free the other straps, and rolled off the table to my feet. In a flash, I was up, and leaping on the shocked man, as his eyes grew wide above the surgical mask he wore.

He didn't even get to scream. With a twist, his head was facing the wrong way, and his neck snapped with a meaty pop. My teeth were at his throat, and the lifeblood flowed into me in a torrent. I almost felt like laughing as I feasted on my meal, and the pain began to subside in my head.

Suddenly I stopped as a scream pierced the air. Spinning around, spotted the girl from before, but this time she was holding something. I tensed to leap again, eyeing another meal, but was stopped cold as a report rang out. The flash of the gun in her hand made me pause, and I looked down to see black blood dripping from a wound in my chest. Slowly I grinned hungrily, and looked back at the morsel before me, seeing her eyes go wide in fear.

Again, a shot rang out, and the world became pain. I felt my head snap back at the bullet hit the brain of my host, and a warmth on my chest blossomed. Looking down, I saw the cursed coin, glowing brightly as it prepared to take me to the next world. Slowly I looked up into the terrified face of the girl, and for the first time since arriving on this world, I smiled.

“Thank... you...” I managed to make the body groan, before the world went sideways.

Blinking, I realized that I was back in control of Pinkie’s body again. I looked around at the scene before me and inwardly cringed. Rarity was over a bucket making heaving noises, as Fluttershy sobbed on the floor behind her. Rainbow Dash had turned a rather unhealthy shade of pale, and was wrapped in her wings as she rocked back and forth, while Applejack just stared straight ahead, face passive with the hundred yard stare of a shocked combat veteran. Twilight was muttering to herself over and over, something I couldn't make out, while staring at the floor.

“Uh, guys?” The room went deathly silent as all eyes snapped to me, varying degrees of horror and shock on their faces. I did a mental look over my shoulder to see both Pinkie and Surprize hugging each other as they shook in wide eyes fear. Pinkamina just sat on her flank looking bored as she munched on the popcorn she had swiped from the others.

“I-I’m really sorry. That wasn't something anyone should ever have to listen to.” I turned to glare at the pretty purple pony, “And THAT is why truth spells are considered a punishable offense in most realms.”

“B-but, that... What the hay was that? Sure the spell is very hard to pull off for most unicorns, but it’s not against any Equestrian laws.” Lighting her horn, Twilight pulled a book from a nearby shelf and started flipping through it. “I know I performed the spell right! But that’s impossible. There is no way that could have been the truth. Even if you are a little weird and random, Pinkie, nopony could have ever lived through that.”

Suddenly she perked up and grinned. “That’s it!” Running over to the basket at the foot of her bed, she levitated it up to reveal several colorful comic books. “Aha! I knew I should have never let him buy these.” Shoving a comic in my face, I saw the cover art of zombie ponies running chasing a lone living pony as dark clouds and lightning illuminated a graveyard in the distance.

“See! It was all in this comic. The infection, the zombies, and the really gory stuff. Eew!” After flipping through several pages, she came to a particularly graphic page, and threw the book away in disgust. In a flash of magic, the book burst into brief flames before turning to ash. “Definitely gonna have a talk with Spike about those.”

Turning with a smile, she waved to the other girls in the room. “See everypony! It was just a little hiccup in the spell. Pinkie must have had a dream or something after reading that comic, and the spell made her tell the truth she thought she knew!”

Still rather pissed at the mental abuse I had been subjected to, I failed to stop myself from blurting out in time, “The spell worked perfectly fine.”

“What?” Spinning back to face me, she had a look of confusion on her face. “That’s nonsense, Pinkie Pie. How could it possibly be working if that memory wasn't a fake one?”

Too late, I realized my mistake, as the truth spell was still in effect, and I felt it take hold as I blurted out, “Because I am not Pinkie Pie, and that wasn't her memory.”

Smooze Moves, Trixie

I had about ten seconds of silence to brace myself. That was hardly enough considering I was still in shock from what had just passed my lips. It was about five seconds less than it took to be slammed onto my back, held down, and have my worldview covered in indignant cyan and angry rose.

“Changeling! What the buck did you do to Pinkie Pie, you filthy bug!” My view rocked, and pain jarred my senses as hooves slammed into my head in a staccato rhythm. Rainbow Dash pummeled my face in a rapid fire onslaught of pain as she continued to scream at me.

“Rainbow Dash! Get off of her!” A violet glow covered my attacker as she screamed in primal rage, before finally pulling her off of me.

“Yes darling, we will never get any information if you beat it unconscious.” Rarity joined in, but with a rather murderous edge to her voice.

“Naw, I say we let her buck it silly, then let it beg to tell us. Damn bugs ain't nuttin but hellspawn anyway.” Applejack stepped closer, ready to finished the job herself.

“Wait!” The soft voice of Fluttershy brought pause to the violent mares. I thanked whatever gods this world had that they seemed to listen to her. “Um, isn't it odd that it still looks like Pinkie? I mean, umm, after Rainbow Dash hurt it and all.” Losing steam, she looked away suddenly. “Or maybe I am wrong?” Barely a whisper, the yellow pegasus seemed to deflate like an old party balloon.

“She’s right. Most changelings turn back into a bug after you rough ‘em up enough.” AJ scratched her head, looking unsure now.

“Well maybe we ain’t beat it’s flank enough yet! Lemme go, Twilight! I wanna smash it’s buggy face in!” Dash almost broke free, before the violet glow intensified and pinned her to the ground.

Mind you, this took place in less time than it took me to describe it, and while I was still reeling from the initial onslaught, the ponies sharing my head were in a panic.

“They know! They KNOW! Oh Celestia they know now!” Pinkie started to yell, grabbing Pinkamina and shaking her. Pinkamina looked less than amused, yet stoic.

“Why would you tell them? I thought you were our friend! We trusted you.” Surprize grabbed me from behind, crying tearfully into my ear as I tried to regain control and salvage the situation. Pinkamina just glared at me over my shoulder, and I think that hurt most of all.

“Calm down, dammit! They don't know anything yet. They just think we are a changeling, whatever that is.” A concerted gasp came from the room, and I realized that once again I done goofed. I had just broken rule one, and spoken aloud.

“What are you talking about? What is she talking about, Twilight? Why is she referring to herself as we?” Rarity blinked in surprise.

“I dunno, but there is one way to tell if she is a changeling.” Twilight charged up another spell, and aimed it at me before I could react. Strangely, it only tingled as he passed over me, leaving me unaffected. “Huh, well that didn't work.” she muttered.

“I’m not a changeling, Twilight. I didn't do anything to Pinkie Pie, because I AM Pinkie Pie. Kinda. Sorta. Dammit.” I muttered.

“Wait, but you just said... I mean, you. What are you talking about?” Rubbing her temples in frustration, the purple mare groaned.

Looking back over my mental shoulder, I saw the three mares staring wide eyes back at me in fright. They valued their secret so much, and were terrified of being found out. I closed my real eyes and sighed deeply, making a decision. In my mind, I smiled confidently, and addressed my mental companions. “Don’t worry, I got this.”

Opening my eyes, I looked over each of the five ponies before me. As I slowly regained my hooves, they all tensed, some to flee, others to fight. Twilight was looking confused, Rarity was looking pensive, Applejack stared at me coolly, while Rainbow Dash glared death from across the room, still held by a rosy glow of magic. However, it was Fluttershy that struck me the most, somehow looking both frightened, and terribly sad at the same time, as if she was watching a vicious animal slowly die. In a way, she was right.

“I have a confession to make. This is Pinkie Pie’s body, but I am not Pinkie Pie. I somehow ended up in her head and in control of her body, but she is still here in her head with me. She is safe, and when I leave, she will have full control back again.”

“What are you? Where did you come from, and what did you do to Pinkie?” Twilight regained her authoritative tone and began her inquisition. I knew that tone well. It was the voice of a mage, and one not to be trifled with.

“My name is Anonymous. I come from another universe, and have been cursed to travel from world to world, until I can find a way to break the curse. I never meant to land here, and have never had to share the body with anyone before. I just want to go home, but until the curse makes me jump, or my host dies, I am stuck here.” Shrugging, I sat down and awaited my fate.

“So wait, you are saying you are some kinda freaky alien, stuck in Pinkie’s body? And she’s in there with you?” Rainbow Dash, now free of the magical restraints, flew up into my face and peered into my eyes, as if she could see into my head and find her friend trapped inside. “You in there Pinkie? Blink if you can hear me!” Screaming in my face, Dash tried to contact her friend.

“Wait, do you really expect us to believe this bullpucky about aliens in your head, Pinkie? Well I dun believe it, nohow.” Applejack crossed her arms and sat back with a nod.

“So hold on.” Rarity looked thoughtful, “If you are in Pinkie’s head, then was it you kissing Twilight earlier?” She smiled coyly at Twilight, who blushed crimson while sputtering indignantly.

“No, no no! That was all Pinkie! We can take turns if we want to, but you caught me at the wheel with that truth spell.” I sputtered back.

“So prove it!” Rainbow Dash challenged. “Let Pinkie have control so we can talk to her.”

I looked back at the others, and saw a scared Pinkie being pushed forth reluctantly. I mentally stepped aside, and felt the world grow a bit less distinct as we switched roles.

“Oh, hiya girls! Pinkie Pie here, um... yes, just Pinkie, and certainly nopony else. Definitely not another pony, or human, or...” We collectively all facepalmed as she floundered at the controls. “So, sorry about not telling you. Johnny is just a little shy and didn't want anypony to know he was in here. Alone. With me. And definitely nopony else.” Even I could feel the sweat dripping down our hide.

“I dunno, I still dun buy it.” Applejack quipped, cocking an eyebrow.

“I know, lemme ask something only Pinkie would know!” Dash flew back into our personal space, and grabbed our face, before yelling as if we were hard of hearing. “PINKIE! CAN YOU TELL US THE ONE PONY YOU WOULD NEVER PRANK?”

Pulling back, Pinkie rubbed our ears, which were smarting from the auditory onslaught. “Gesh Dashie, you don't have to yell. There are some ponies that don't like my pranks, but they usually laugh and forgive me later. But the one pony I never Prank is Fluttershy, because she’s so sensitive, and I would never want to hurt her feelings.” At the mention of her name, the yellow pegasus squeaked and ducked behind Applejack.

“Welp, I‘m convinced. Welcome back Pinkie!” Dash quickly gave us a hug, and returned to the other mares across the room. The others just glared at her. “What? Nopony else could possibly know that, I was there.”

“So who is Johnny?” Twilight asked, not looking nearly as convinced as Dash.

“Oh, umm. That is what he said his name was. I dunno why he said he was Anonymous. Maybe that’s his last name?” Grinning sheepishly, Pinkie rubbed the back of our neck.

“So let me get this straight. You are really Pinkie, and now you have some inter-dimensional being living in your head, and he was controlling your body?” Rarity asked, pointedly.

“Yeah! I’m really sorry I didn't say anything earlier, but I didn't want you all to get scared and stop being my friend.” Pinkie was starting to calm down, but now seemed more depressed.

“Are you sure it was you that kissed Twilight? Because that was kinda hot!” Rainbow Dash piped up, wagging her eyebrows at us. The others just facehoofed.

“Don’t answer that, Pinkie. I’m not sure I even want to know.” Twilight rubbed her face with a hoof. “What I am sure of is, my friend has a potentially harmful creature affecting her mind, and she need my help. And as Celestia is my witness,”

“Damn I hate those guys...” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“... I, wait, what?” The unicorn stopped in mid-proclamation.

“You know, Celestia’s Witnesses. They are friggin annoying. Always knocking on your door, interrupting valuable nap time to talk about the power of the Sun Princess, and how she will save our souls from Tartarus.” Throwing her hooves up, Dash stared at the ceiling. “Screw that noise. My family have always been Lunites, ever since my great-to the something power grandfather joined the Lunar Republic. Not that it lasted long, what with Luna going nuts and becoming Nightmare Moon.” Slowly she realized that her friends were all looking at her funny, and stopped.

“What? There is a reason the Shadowbolts wanted to recruit me, you know. Luna is like my great ancestor or something, on my father’s side. I’m pretty sure I’m part thestral. I told you guys this at my Bat Marezvah party.” Sighing, she plopped on the ground and sat her heads on her hooves. “Some friends you all are.”

“Wait, Rainbow Dash is Lunish?” Rarity asked.

“Great, another Lunish Princess!” Applejack rolled her eyes.

“Funny, she doesn't look Lunish.” Fluttershy chimed in, before clapping her hooves over her mouth in shock. “I’m so sorry, that was rude of me!”

“Girls! Can we get back on topic here?” Twilight yelled, getting all eyes back on her. “So, Dash is a Lunite, Celestia is best princess, and we still have some creature controlling our friend!”

“Hey!” Dash retorted, but was ignored by the others.

“So, AS I WAS SAYING...” The purple mare glared pointedly at the indignant pegasus. “I will not let my friend suffer like this. I will help you Pinkie Pie, and rid you of this infestation. I have an exorcism spell that will banish this Anonymous to wherever he came from.” Grinning, she started charging her horn with a spell. “Stand back! I’m going to MAGIC!”

“No, Twilight! Wait!” Pinkie panicked, but was quickly restrained by both Applejack and Rainbow Dash. “Don’t do this, he’s not going to hurt anypony!”

“Oh shit, this may be bad. Unless she can send me back to my world, I may get stuck here until the curse moves me on to the next.” I started to panic as well. I was exorcised once before, and spent over a year as a ghost, while my host body died from lack of a soul. I couldn't be harmed, but the body I was in wasn't as durable.

“But maybe she can send you home!” Surprize leaned in close, giving me a mental hug.

“I don't know if we can take that chance!” I tried to get control of the body to help struggle, but just as I was reaching forth with my will, the spell went off. Nothing happened.

“So, did it work?” Twilight asked, pensively.

“Huh, I don't think it did anything.” Pinkie replied to her friend. She looked back where I was being hugged by the other two mares in our shared mindscape. “I do feel kinda...”

As she stopped talking, I realized that even the dim sensations from the body were gone, as if it had gone numb. And then the world went sideways.

Ow. Well I guess pain was good. Pain meant I was still alive, and seeing as I was no longer being stared at by a bunch of pastel cartoon characters, I must have jumped. Groaning, I tried to get to my feet, only to stumble and fall again. Nothing felt broken, but it still felt all wrong, yet familiar. I blinked away the dust, and shook my head, before noticing a tuft of pink hair.

Crap, I hadn't jumped. Pink hooves, darker pink hair. What the hell happened then?

“Girls?” I looked back, but didn't see the faces in my mind. Oh no, what happened to them?

“Pinkie Pie! There you are!” I heard the voice of Rainbow Dash yelling in the distance. The source of the voice was a rapidly approaching blue and rainbow blur.

“Rainbow Dash?” Oh crap, the others would be right behind them. I turned to run, but stumbled, feeling dizzy for a moment.

“Owie!” I heard the now familiar voice of Surprize in my head. Blinking again, I looked inwards to see all three girls blinking confusedly. “Did anypony get the number of that carriage?”

“Yes! You guys are safe, I was worried for a moment.” I crowed inwardly.

“Wow, Pinkie! I think you even broke my speed record with that flight. I will never doubt your skills with a party cannon again!” Helping me back to my hooves, Dash gave us a quick hug.

“Cannon? Wha?” I muttered. “What are you talking about, Rainbow? Where are the other girls? And why is it bright out?” I looked around, noticing I was at the edge of a field, in broad daylight.

“What others? It’s just you and me, testing your new Pony Propelling Party Canon. Remember? you kept calling it the P3C?” She tapped me on the head, eliciting a hollow thunk, and I realized I was wearing a helmet. “Are you sure you are alright? It’s a good thing you wore that helmet, or things coulda been worse.”

“I dunno, I kinda hurt all over, but I don't think there is any serious damage.” I unstrapped the helmet and shook my head, noticing the normal curl was missing. Instead our hair flowed out from the helmet and hung limply to one side, much the way Pinkamina’s did. “Last thing I remember though was Twilight trying to banish me at the slumber party.”

“Who the hay is Twilight? Are you sure you are okay? Maybe we should get you to the Ponyton Hospital. Y’know, just to be sure.” She picked me up, and away we went.

“Wait, what? Ponyton? Straight hair? No Twilight?” Pinkie yelled.

“I dunno. I kinda like our hair straight.” Pinkamina replied.

“No, no, no! Something is wrong! Everything is wrong!” Pinkie yelled, and started shaking Pinkamina.

“Umm, girls? I think I know what’s wrong.” I thought to them. The three ponies in my head stopped and turned to look at what I was seeing.

As we entered the town limits, there was a sign. Thankfully, Dash was flying slow enough to read it easily.

Welcome to Ponyton

The Original Home of the New Lunar Republic!

“Girls, I think I did jump. Except this time, you all came with me!”

“Well buck me with a cattle prod.” Pinkamina deadpanned. The other two were so shocked, they didn't even chastise her.

“Ow, quit it. Ow, quit it. Ow, for the last time, quit poking me doc!” I sat back as Pinkamina took a turn at the wheel. I was busy trying to think of what could have possibly happened. I had never had anyone else along on my jumps, but then I had also never shared the head with anyone. Either the other mind was gone, dead, or turned into a spirit when I arrived.

How did the other girls come with me, and what happened to their body when I left? It wasn't the first time I had dwelt on the subject, but it was the first time it weighed so heavily on me. When you moved into an empty house, you wondered about the previous tenants, but it never mattered much because they were gone. I had moved into an occupied home this time, and then gotten us all evicted. And what became of the current pinkie, whose body we were in? Was there another three mares cast into the void, or passed on to the afterlife?

“Dammit, if you poke me one more time, am going to shove that stethoscope so far down your throat, you will be able to listen to your colon!” Pinkamina was finally losing her cool, and Rainbow Dash’s laughing wasn't helping.

“Yes, definitely some mood changes. Isn't she always annoyingly cheerful?” The Doctor turned to Dash, who was trying and failing to hold back a snicker.

“Oh you know Pinkie, always happy, as long as you don't break a Pinkie Promise, or miss one of her parties.” She shrugged. Maybe her blood sugar is low? The way she eats sweets, I’m surprised she doesn't weigh twice as much.

“Oh, ha, ha. You eat just as much as I do, and drink twice as much cider, when you can get your hooves on it!” Pinkamina growled back
“Yea, but I’m an athlete. I like, gotta keep up my energy for all the awesome stunts and stuff. That's why I stay lean and mean.” Dash shot back, flexing her muscles.

“Yes well you may be right, Ms. Dash. And as soon as the X-rays arrive, we can get some food into your friend here.” Turning toward Pinkie, he extended a hoof to poke another spot, receiving a growl in response from my host. He changed his mind and stepped toward the door, where a nurse was bringing in an envelope.

“Ah yes, thank you Miss Ray Shine. I’ll take those.” Levitating the slides to a light table, he peered at them as the nurse let herself out.

“Hmm, well. Everything seems fine to me. No visible fractures, no lesions, and nothing broken. Although I may need to get our equipment calibrated again. This spot here looks like you are wearing a necklace, although I can clearly see you are not. Strange...” Muttering, he wrote some notes on a pad, and scratched his head.

“So, can we go now? I have guard duty tonight, and Pinkie needs to be back by curfew.” Dash hopped up, fidgeting.

“What? Oh, of course, Captain. She is free to go. Oh, and congratulations on the promotion!” Shaking her hoof, the doctor grinned. “It feels safe knowing the town hero is protecting us at night.”

“Thanks Doc! C’mon Pinks, let’s get you back home before nightfall. I don’t need my friends getting into trouble my first week on the job.” Without a word, we followed her home. Well, not a word that she could hear.

“What the hay is going on? Pinkie is a guard captain? There’s a curfew? The hospital gowns open in the front? The cake was a lie!? What madness is this?!” Pinkie continued to rant, while Surprize just sat quietly, and Pinkamina concentrated on controlling, only once turning around to roll her eyes at us.

Myself, I was lost in thought. Things were getting weirder and weirder. In addition to all the other things that had never happened before, I had jumped to the same person in a parallel world, almost exactly like the one I left. I mean, technically there was that one groundhog day world, where I spent over a year reliving the same day in a loop, but that was different.

The next thing I noticed, we were in Pinkie’s room, shoveling food into our mouth, while Pinkie ranted. Pinkamina joined me and Surprize and just let her go at it.

“It doesn't make any sense! What kinda nightmare world is this?” She held up a paper, with the headlines “Ponies missing, Queen Luna orders investigation.” A quick scan of the article mentions Grand Inquisitor Sparkle leading the investigation to the sudden rash of disappearances, and reports of a strange haze hanging over the Everfree. Notes about the recently enacted curfew in Ponyton explained what Dash had mentioned.

“So, what, Twilight never left Canterlot? Nightmare Moon was never defeated?” Muttering to herself, Pinkie jammed another cupcake into her mouth as she paced the floor.
“Actually, it was Celestia that was defeated, a thousand years ago. The Eternal Queen, Nightmare Moon, has ruled peacefully ever since the tyrant was banished.” A deep bass voice piped up from behind us.

“Gummy!” Spinning around, Pinkie dashed over to a small lizard that was staring impassively at us. “I was so hoping you would be waiting for me.”

“Yes, It is I, Gummy the Gator. But the question is, who are you?” I did a mental double take as the creature seemed to talk without moving it’s lips at all. In fact, the only sign that it was alive was a single solitary blink.

“The hell is that thing?” I blurted out.

“That’s our pet, and bestest friend, Gummy! He’s a baby alligator.” Surprize answered chipperly, seemingly as happy to see the reptile as Pinkie.

“Oh, Gummy! You big kidder. You know it’s me, Pinkie Pie!” We answered though Pinkie.

“I see the body of the pony I know, but you speak with another mare’s mind. You do not belong here, and neither does the human.” And again the slow blink.

“Anyone else notice he not only knows who we are, but that he’s projecting directly into our mind? Am I the only one that finds that creepy?” I looked around at the others, who were starting to look worried.

“Well, our Gummy could only talk to us, and was the only creature that knew our secret, so I guess it only makes sense that this Gummy can too.” Pinkamina explained, and mentally shrugged.

“Oh, um. Drat.” Pinkie stomped a hoof. “We are just kinda visiting, from another Pinkie.”

“That makes sense. Just be sure to return my Pinkie when you leave.” and just like that, he turned to waddle away.

“Wait that makes sense? Why does that make sense? HOW DOES IT MAKE SENSE!?”

“That was weird. And why did he sound like Nibbler from Futurama?” I pondered.

“I dunno, he’s always sounded like that. He’s got a sexy voice, for an alligator!” Pinkie grinned, and hugged herself, getting groans from the rest of us. “What? It is sexy!”

“You know it, baby!”Came the deep bass voice from the next room. Pinkie shuddered in response.

“Okay, this is starting to max out my weirdness tolerance. Can we try to get some sleep, and maybe figure it out in the morning?” I received no arguments from my companions, and after a thankfully brief and awkward trip to the bathroom, we crawled into the overstuffed bed and were quickly asleep, surrounded by stuffed animals.

New on my list of things that have never happened before now, waking up inside a head that already has someone awake at the wheel. Not unlike waking up on a road trip after passing out in a car, only to find the driver has continued through the night into another state. It was going to be one of those days.

“Good morning, sleepy-in-my-head!” Surprize’s gratingly chipper voice sounded out. “We haven't had a sleep in like that in years!”

“A what? What time is it?” I felt as much as heard the others waking up as well.

“Well, we don’t usually all sleep at once. There is always one of us at the wheel, so that way we get so much more done. How else do you think we do so much planning and preparation?” Grinning at her reflection in the mirror, She started to brush our teeth.

“So wait, you never sleep? The body is going all the time?” I asked in confusion.

“Yep, and it’s so much more efficient that way. We take turns sleeping, so there is always somepony working on stuff.” Pinkie filled me in.

“And guess who usually gets the night shift?” Pinkamina asked, in a dry tone. “But I gotta admit, I get alot of planning done.”.

Spitting in the sink, Surprize continued. “I got up first, so I have been talking with Gummy. He filled me in on what’s going on in this crazy world.” She paused to gargle with mouthwash, and I found the pleasant minty burn to be refreshing. Spend time on a few medieval worlds, and you start to really appreciate the little things that modern society takes for granted. Like dental hygiene, and toilet paper. Oh god, how I missed toilet paper!

“So apparently there is no Twilight here, because there is no Princess Celestia. A thousand years ago, Nightmare Moon won, and banished her sister. Or Vaporized her. The history books are still not sure on that, she isn't telling...?” Shrugging, she made her way to the shower, and...

You know what? Let’s skip over that part.

Anyway, to sum it all up, Nightmare Moon declared herself Queen, and then immediately regretted it. Running a country alone was far more complex than she imagined, and with no daylight to grow crops, things started to fall apart. She restored the normal day and night cycle, and formed the republic to run the government, with herself as a figurehead Queen. She still had veto control over any laws passed, but the daily running of the government was done by the elected senate. She survived several attempts at assassination by the former nobles, until she went full nightmare and had them executed.

Now the rebels were few and far between, but believed to be behind the recent rash of pony disappearances. Curfews had been passed a few weeks earlier, and manhunts, err ponyhunts were under way to find the missing ponies, and bring the culprits to justice.

“Ahh, nothing like a nice shower to start the day!” Surprize sang out while she toweled off.

“Uhh, as enjoyable as that was, did you have to do all that while we had a guest onboard?” Pinkamina questioned irately.

“Well I didn't hear him complaining!” She giggled in response, as she finished drying.

“I’m pretty sure that’s because he’s currently hiding in the happy place. One of us is gonna have to snap him outta it.” Pinkie sighed. Yes, I was mentally sticking my fingers in my ears and humming to myself with my eyes closed after being mentally violated.

One mental slap later I was back from my little PTSD haven and shuddering. “I’ve seen some shit, man, but that. Don't ever do that again.”

“Aww, don't be such a prude! Everypony does it!” Surprize giggled again.

“Not gonna talk about it!” I mentally yelled. “What are we doing today?”

“Well first thing to do is get out and look around. Maybe we are here to solve the mystery of the disappearing ponies!” Pinkie took control as she led us out of the room. Downstairs, the bakery she lived in was just opening for business, and she waved to the owners as she trotted out the door. They just looked at her strangely, and shrugged.

“Trust me, that may seem like the thing to do, but it’s not. Every world has some crisis, some mystery, some event that I seem to be in just the right place to solve or fix, but every time I do, it ends badly.” Sighing inwardly, I continued. “We are not Fate’s messenger, we are not God’s avenging angel. We are just some unlucky schmuck that just missed getting stepped on by something bigger than we are, and we are better off keeping our heads down.”

“Aww, I was hoping for some grand adventure!” Pinkie replied, and was backed up by a bouncing Surprize. Pinkamina, ever the practical one, just rolled her eyes. She definitely understood.

“Oh don’t worry, no matter how hard we try, trouble will come find us. I just don't think we need to do it any favors by looking for it.” Mentally I crossed my arms and glared back at the current driver.

An hour later found us panting, after having a rather quick run from the authorities. I mentally sighed and looked around us where we had stopped after losing our persuit. The forest seemed rather gloomy, and the sky was unnaturally dark for the middle of the day.

“What did I tell you? Trouble always finds me, no matter what I do.” I grumbled as I plopped down to rest.

“Well how were we to know the local Pinkie had a restraining order barring her from the library? I don’t even know who that Moondancer pony is, anyway! I mean, what did we ever do to her, besides maybe try to throw her a party. And maybe sneak a kiss...” Surprize sighed and pouted. This received no sympathy from the rest of us.

“Well whatever it was it was bad enough for the guard to come after us. Ugh, where are we anyway?” I muttered, getting a better look at my surroundings. It kind of reminded me of Mirkwood.

“The Everfree Forest!” All three mares chorused at once.

“Oh. Okay.” I shrugged. “Bad place to be I take it?”

“Well it used to be much worse, but lately it just seems to be a convenient ploy for strange things to happen without having to explain their origins.” Pinkie explained. “We had some cool adventures here, but there are still a few scary critters deeper in.”

“Yes, but aside from the occasional timberwolf sighting, it’s mostly harmless now.” Pinkamina added.

“Oh well, if the script gods demand it, I guess we can go exploring until the heat in town dies down.” Getting to our hooves, I wandered along the path deeper into the creepy wood.

“What are script gods?” Pinkie asked.

“Old joke from home. Whenever something happened in a story that made no logical sense outside of moving the the story forward, we would just blame it on the script gods.” I shrugged. “Like, why would you walk into the obviously haunted house, instead of running away? Or why do people always call the name of the friend that disappeared when they hear a creepy noise, when they know it wasn't them? Script Gods.”

“Ooohhh... I don’t get it.” Pinkie shrugged.

Rolling my eyes I just chuckled. “Don't worry about it. It’s just a joke about bad writing.”

“So where are we going anyway?” I asked, as I ambled along an unmarked path. Paths usually led somewhere, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

“This is the path to the Castle of the Two Sisters.” Pinkamina piped in. “We defeated Nightmare Moon there. It was really creepy back then, but in our world, we’ve been cleaning it up.”

“It’s really cool for playing hide and seek, and it had this really awesome organ that does all sorta cool stuff if you hit the right buttons!” Surprize bounced around our head, getting more hyper as she talked. “It would be really cool to set up pranks for ponies that visit there, except ponies never visit there, other than my friends and Spike.”

“Ooh, we should totally go there and check out all the neat secret stuff since most of it is still there if Black Snooty never showed up and got harmonized into Princess Luna!” Pinkie joined in next, and I could feel a headache brewing, while Pinkamina rolled her eyes at the two.

It didn't take long to reach the bridge, or what was left of it. Only a few scary trees and the occasional threatening growl from deeper in the forest made the trip eventful. However, crossing the bridge was another matter.

“So now what?” I pondered. Looking across the strange chasm to the dilapidated castle on the other side, I could see no way to cross it without flying. The bottom of the rift was out of sight in the fog that filled it, but the twenty or so feet I could see through would be more than enough to do some serious damage if we fell.

“So now we hop over, and go inside.” Surprize answered.

“Really? You are forgetting that this body lacks wings, right?” I drolled.

“Silly Johnny, has that never stopped us before!” In my mind’s eye, I could see the white pegasus grinning, while Pinkamina made slicing motions with her hoof while shaking her head, as if warning me off.

“What?” I asked.

“You really don’t want to know. Honestly, even we aren’t entirely sure how she does it.” Pinkie responded, looking a bit disturbed herself.

“Just lemme take control, and we will be across that gap and throwing a party in the creepy castle in no time flat!” Releasing control, I felt the world fade a bit as Surprize grabbed the reins.

“Now what?” I asked the others.

“Ever been in freefall?” Pinkamina asked me, her voice even more subdued than normal, to which I mentally nodded. In addition to all my strange jumps, I had done some skydiving in my old life. “Well, hold onto your lunch, and don’t scream too loud.”

I didn't even have time to respond, as I heard Surprize giggle, and then blink. Yes, I heard her blink, like the closing of a screen door on my soul, as we were removed from one place, and then in another. A brief feeling of vertigo left me reeling, as I noticed the scenery had changed. In fact, I seemed to be looking across the chasm from the other side, as something pink waved back at us. Next came the most overwhelming feeling of deja vu as I realized that I was looking at ourselves on the other side, while we were standing on this side. Then the body I was in blinked, and it was gone, along with the strange feeling of being in two places at once.

“What the fuck just happened?” I would have vomited if I had been in control of the body. As it was, I had severe trouble focusing.

“Don’t ask. Don’t know. Don't wanna know.” I saw Pinkamina in the corner, legs wrapped around herself and eyes shut as she rocked back and forth like a trauma victim.

“I think it’s fun! It’s Surprize’s special talent. She can be anywhere she needs to be to surprise somepony, although she can’t always control it.” Pinkie sounded almost joyous, although the strain was still evident in her voice as well. “One time we got stuck in a flower vase for hours and had to wait for somepony to break us out. Our tail was cramped for days!”

“Is it over?” Pinkamina sounded almost scared, and it worried me that it was the first time she seemed to show genuine emotion.

“Yepperooni, it’s safe now ‘Mina!” Surprize giggled again and we moved forward toward the castle.

Those of us in the back seat were busy getting our heads back together, while the magical teleporting pony took us inside. The door was the usual thick wood with the extra creepy hinges that wailed like the souls of the damned. Inside, the shadows crawled along the walls and the chill of death flowed forth from the depths of the earth. Pretty standard haunted castle stuff. The only thing that was missing was the eerie chanting of some nefarious cult, trying to summon some eldritch abomination.

“Ooh, I think I hear singing!” Surprize gasped, correcting me. I listened, and indeed heard some creepy chanting, but in some language I couldn't recognize.

“God dammit! Why do I have to be right about this shit?” I griped. “I‘m pretty sure that isn't singing, and I’m also pretty damn sure that whatever it is will bring about some world ending horror if we don't somehow stop it.”

“Well then, what are we waiting for? Let’s stop it already!” Bouncing forward, Surprize took us deeper into the creepy ruins.

“No, trust me, this is very bad! There are things far worse than death, as I already proved to you.” I tried to take control and make us run away, but was easily dodged by the controlling consciousness.

“Maybe we should listen to him, Surprize. He kinda has experience with these sorta things.” Pinkie backed me up, for once playing the voice of reason.

“Nonsense, Poofy Pants! I bet if there is some stuffy old ceremony, then interrupting it will be the bestest prank of all time!” and into the depths we went.

We soon came to a grand hall with a strange sculpture in the center, and the source of the chanting. It looked like some strange stone orrery, with symbols carved into the stone “planets” around it. The ponies themselves were all dressed in deep hooded robes, with only snouts and the occasional horn visible. Luckily, they all had their attention on the sculpture, and didn't notice us enter the end of the hallway.

“My fellow ponies, the time has come!” One unicorn, a bit taller than the rest intoned, and the chanting stopped as all eyes turned to her. “The thousand year reign or the usurper will come to an end, and the Sun Queen will once again return to lead us into the light!”

“PRAISE THE SUN! PRAISE THE LIGHT!” The room shook with the combined shouts of the other ponies. Surprize was smart enough to duck us behind a pillar, and hide while we figured what was going on.

“For too long the false Princess,” The last word was spoken with such scorn that it seemed more an insult than a title. “...has sat her fat, bloated carcass upon the stolen throne of our beloved Sun Queen. But no more! Tonight we shall raise up her ancient champion to defeat the usurper, and bring about a glorious new age of light!”

“PRAISE THE SUN! PRAISE THE LIGHT!” the shout once again rang out.

Motioning to one of the other ponies, the leader took the offered book in her magic and set it on a small altar before the strange sculpture. Slowly she began to chant, followed by the others around the room. Those with horns started to cast as their horns glowed, while an answering glow from the orbs around the sculpture began to light the room. Each luminesced a different color, at first glowing on the outside, but quickly lighting up from within.

“Guys, I don’t think this is a party!” Surprize gasped in our head.

“You don't say?” I snarked back. “Now can we get the hell outta here before they finish summoning whatever it is?”

“Wait! I think I know this? Some of the words almost make sense!” Pinkamina leaned forward, trying to listen better. “I can make out one word in particular... Something about Lord Smooze?”

“What the hay is a smooze?” Pinkie asked. “Isn't that like when you get all super friendly with somepony you really don't like? Kinda like Rarity always does?”

“Different kind of smooze.” Pinkamina pulled Surprize back and took control as she explained. “Lord Smooze is some ancient mythical slime monster that once devoured the world. It supposedly wiped the old world of technology clean, leaving behind a dead planet. After it left, the forces of magic that had been dormant awoke, and created the word anew.”

“Wow, ‘Mina! You sound like Twilight when you talk like that.” Pinkie chipped in happily.

“Yeah well Somepony has to actually read all those books while Somepony else is trying to get close to Twilight without her noticing.” The darker pony snarked back.

“Well I didn't want her to think we were all stupid by just reading picture books!” Surprize retorted in defense.

I tried to interrupt, as even Pinkamina seemed too distracted to notice that all the orbs were now floating in a circle, and that a new one had suddenly appeared in the center. “Girls, something is happening!” Sadly, I went unnoticed.

“Why would they think that summoning some giant snot monster would be a good idea?” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Because most unicorns are stuck up, arrogant, and stupid. They probably thought ‘Cleansing Slime’ translated to ‘Cleansing Light’ or something. I mean, do you read ancient Unicornian?” Pinkamina argued back. “Not even Twilight is fluent, and she is the smartest pony we know!”

“For the love of god, shut the fuck up and run! No wonder all the smart nerds loved Doctor Who. At least he knew what to do in these situations!” I wrenched control from the trio, stunned by my profane outburst.

I paused a moment to see the entire array of glowing stones flash, as a rainbow hued portal formed, and a small blob of greenish purple sludge splattered to the floor. I stopped my departure as nothing seemed to happen right away. Turning to face the scene behind me, unsure if my panic was premature. As it landed on the floor, the sludge splattered, splashing several of the robed ponies, including the leader of the group, who flinched back in surprise before looking confused at the resulting mess. Several sniffed at the goo, and a few touched it, shaking their hooves in disgust.

“Well boss, that didn’t seem to do much.” Said one unicorn with a bit of a Jersey accent.

“Ya, Trix, that was like, totally lame. I got my best robe all filthy for nuttin!” Another spoke up, sounding a bit like a valley girl.

“A might anticlimactic, mates. Was expectin’ a bit more.” Muttered another.

“Yes. Well Trixie may have overestimated the power of the elements. But we can always try again tomorrow, while the moon is still full.” The lead mare wiped the goo from her robe, before bringing her hoof to her face to sniff the offending sludge.

That was when the screaming started.

In an instant, the scene went from british comedy, to american horror as the the sludge suddenly seemed to gain life, surging over the ponies it covered. The lead mare’s head vanished in a sudden splash of green, and her cloak slumped to the ground as it’s contents was dissolved like a popped balloon. The other ponies were quickly covered in the foul substance, as it flowed and splashed over everything organic, before flowing towards the center of the room and covering the strange sculpture. A few moments later, the formerly glowing stones were ejected one by one, left to roll lifelessly across the floor as the greenish purple mass of slime congealed into one massive puddle.

In less time than it takes to read the previous paragraph, I witnessed the entire room being stripped of life. Of the ponies that had performed the ritual, there was nothing left but the scattered robes, and the odd metal trinket, now floating away on top of the viscous ooze that had grown to cover the entire statue. Slowly a pair of jaundiced eyes seemed to form near the top, as a jagged and oozing semblance of a mouth opened in the center of the mass, pulling up at the corner to resemble a smile.

“Nothing Stops The Smoozzze!” the slow fluid noise escaped the confines of the central mass, sounding as much like a gas leak as something speaking.

And then suddenly the eyes turned to focus on me.

“MmmMMmmm... More FoOd!” the liquid voice hissed out.

“Oh. Fuck. Me.” I gasped out, before turning tail to bolt out of the room. I received no argument or help from the other three passengers as I ran for our respective lives while the room behind us exploded in a wet squelch.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, fuck on a fuck biscuit with a side of fuck sauce!” I panted as I tried my best to push the body I was in to it’s limits. My experience as a quadruped was somewhat limited, and this somewhat handicapped my ability as I made our escape. Unfortunately the three natives were in too much shock at watching an entire room full of their kinsmen being turned into mobile goo to lend me much help. Only my own experience in life threatening situations, as well as my natural sense of self preservation, kept us ahead of the surging death behind us.

The good news was that my quadrupedal form leant some speed and stamina to the fight, letting me quickly cover ground and pull ahead of my persuit. The bad news quickly manifested in the form of a large chasm, and the previously defunct bridge barring our escape.

“Oh for fucks sake!” I skidded to a halt, panting for breath as I looked across the deadly expanse. “White pony! Get your ass in gear!” I screamed aloud, as I mentally grabbed the pony in question and forced her in control. “Get us across the bridge!” I bellowed into our shared mind.

“W-what? I can’t! We can’t! We’re gonna di-hi-hie!” she managed to stammer out, falling to our knees and covering our head.

“She’s right! She can only use her talent when it's a surprise! It doesn't work on command.” Pinkamina yelled, just as panicked as the rest.

“Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me! She’s got a friggin TOON power?” I screamed back, acutely aware of the squelching noise growing louder behind us.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” The mare in control cried, sobbing desperately.

“Fuck this. Gimme the chair!” I mentally wrenched the sobbing pony into the back of my mind, and felt the world once again snap into focus as I assumed the lead role in our little mental circus.

“What are you gonna do?” Pinkie asked, mentally looking over my shoulder. I swear I could feel her hot breath on my neck as the mental pressure of her presence threatened to distract me.

“Dictate my own terms.” I grimly replied. Before any of the others could reply, I lept to our hooves, and bolted. In the blink of an eye, we had accelerated to incredible speeds, and headed back to the castle gate. I managed to skid on our hooves and spin around, aiming once again for the bridge, and sprinting again as fast as the body would carry us toward the edge. In another instant, the edge of the chasm was before us, and I tensed every muscle to leap, before soaring across the gap as graceful as any bird. As we floated weightless across the depths, time seemed to slow and I smiled. Even if we didn't make it, at least we died on our own terms, and not at the hands, or pseudopods, of our enemy. A pyrrhic victory, yes, but when you die as many times as I have, you learn to take what you can get.

“Buck!” was the sound I heard in my head, seemingly from all three mares as I snapped my eyes open again, and realized that we were just barely going to miss the gap. In fact, the impact on the far side of the wall was probably going to hurt like a bitch before we died.

Sadly, it was not the sudden impact that caused us to lose consciousness, but rather the sudden deceleration, as an indigo glow snapped around us and stopped our movement. I barely had an instant to realize that we weren't dead before the sudden acceleration shift caused us to black out for the second time in under a day.

Author's Note

Whew, finally got off my rump and wrote something again! Sorry for the wait, just.. life an things keeping me down. :pinkiesad2:

I have a new editor to thank for this one, so thanks go out to SoulEEvans! :derpytongue2:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1etK0c-ISe1Ibcm7aSXgaxZb5qDOCy6iptztpd2C8cO8/edit#heading=h.6qw13c6s5nev