Xenophobia

Chapter 6

Sergeant Raymond Schaffer and Corporal Gerald Hanes walked, one talking continuously while the other silently listened, down the northern road into Ponyville, following behind a certain orange farm mare. She had volunteered, after much rabid assertion from Pinkie Pie, to lead the two humans into town for their “Super-Duper-Ginormous Welcome to Our Planet, Please Don’t Zap Us Party.”

After the initial shock of Jer’s return with the manticore carcass wore off, and the downright horror of their humbling introduction to the insides of said beast, Applejack and her friends better introduced themselves to both Jer and Raymond (the name Fuss-Bucket was revealed to be a joke), though apprehensively.

The farm pony herself, though still VERY uncomfortable seeing another living thing butchered and cooked for consumption, understood that the two humans couldn’t necessarily help their dietary requirements, and, having been in the clearing to hear Jer be attacked by the beast, could forgive the giddy alien for not wasting a perfectly acceptable source of food. Their promise to cut down on meat while in Equestria, especially around the younger fillies, helped a little as well. Her friends, with the exception of Fluttershy, whom understood the cycle of life better than most, and Pinkie Pie, who seemed not to care all that much, were less forgiving.

Aside from obvious reasons, Rarity and Rainbow Dash were the most disturbed by the two aliens. Rarity, due to their vulgarity (most of the crude language they used was unintelligible to the mare, but she could tell they were obscenities) and apparently criminal sense of fashion, and Rainbow, because Jer had made her look weak in front of her friends. Twilight still seemed frightened of Jer, but was far too curious of the two beings to pass up the opportunity to study them further. Applejack glanced back at the two humans, focusing on the taller of the two: Raymond. She hadn’t noticed his height before, mostly because he had never had a chance to stand, being drugged and all.

Nopony really knew what to make of Raymond. He hardly said a word, only speaking when absolutely necessary, or upon inquiry from his jovial companion. He intrigued Applejack. She couldn’t imagine the hardship he must have gone through to have so many scars. And his eye… Rainbow had been right: the orange mare did want to know how it had gotten that way.

Ray noticed her staring and gave her a questioning look. Applejack quickly turned away, hiding an embarrassed blush and cursing herself for her rudeness. Ponyville loomed in the distance, and the Element of Honesty once again thought back to yesterday evening’s debacle in the clearing.

After everypony had been properly introduced, Jer, with the help of young Scootaloo (much to Rainbow’s chagrin and everypony else’s horror), began to cook the now skinned and gutted manticore over their small fire pit. While the beast was cooking, he also took the time to take a bit of everypony’s hair and input it into his fancy “daterbase” so nopony would be accidentally fried when he reactivated the system a few minutes later. Once it was back online, Pinkie had started occupying herself by jumping through the strange barrier, giggling at the tingly sensation that traveled down her spine every time she did.

Twilight had tried asking Jer questions, but the human had merely told her she’d “already got her three,” whatever that meant. She had tried even harder to get information out of Raymond, who seemed to be the more rational of the two, but, unfortunately, having noticed his companion’s increased pain, Jer had immediately given him more painkillers, rendering Ray incapable of answering any of Twilight’s questions.

The lavender unicorn offered to perform a mending spell on his injured arm, and, only after Raymond’s go ahead, Jer had allowed it, but not without cheerfully threatening to burn everything she loved to the ground if his friend was harmed. Thankfully, the spell left no adverse effects and Ray’s arm was fixed almost instantly. He was still hopelessly doped up, however, much to Twilight’s disappointment.

Scootaloo and Applebloom, having spent the most time in the clearing, decided to give the older mares a grand tour. Applejack was surprised at Jer’s quick forgiveness. He allowed them to explore, unsupervised, after they had all barged into his camp with reckless abandon. She wished she could understand his perspective. If anypony had broken into Sweet Apple Acres while she was away, potentially threatening her family, she wouldn’t have been so forgiving. Maybe Ray could help her understand. She’d ask him later, at the party.

The fillies had shown the six mares everything they believed to be interesting about the camp, including the interior of the human’s gigantic metal house. To the farm mare, it looked like an unstable barn with wings. Scootaloo claimed that it was Jer’s airship. How anything so heavy-looking soared through the skies was a mystery to Applejack, but everything about the two new residents of Everfree was a mystery so she was inclined to believe the orange pegasus. Even Rainbow admitted it was cool, albeit grudgingly. Fluttershy took a liking to the painting on the airship’s side: sensuality completely lost on the innocent yellow pegasus. She was just too amazed that the two space creatures knew what a duck was.

While Applejack and her friends looked around, she had noticed Jer tending to Raymond, helping him eat properly and making sure his arm was truly healed. She wasn’t the only one. Later that night, after Jer and Ray had eaten and the more sober of the two aliens had played a few songs for them on his guitar (only because the two Crusaders present insisted), Applejack overheard Rainbow Dash talking in hushed tones with Twilight while the six mares and two fillies trekked out of the forest.

“I don’t like him. The guy’s loyal to his friend… and I respect that, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to bring them anywhere near Ponyville!”

“Rainbow… I’ll admit that I have some misgivings about this as well, but they mean no real harm, I can feel it. If it’ll make you feel better, I sent a letter to the Princess about them, and she will most-likely be there to ensure everypony’s safety.”

And now here she was. Leading the two aliens straight into town. Her ears pricked. Ray was talking.

“… sure you don’t remember what you put in it?

“I told you. Two fuel rods and the works… and a little americium and potassium sulfide… to make it glow purple.”

“Dammit, Jer…”

“How the fuck was I supposed to know it would open a wormhole or some shit and spit us out here!” Applejack glanced back at the pair. Jer was walking faster, his guitar bouncing on his back due to his agitated stride. Ray had slowed, good eye vacant.

“Jer… if we’re here, do you think-”

“No,” Jer cut Ray short, slowing so the other human could catch up. It seemed his previous defensive anger had abated. “No. I blew the bitch apart. You saw.”

“I didn’t see anything, Jer, and neither did you.”

“No. Its dead,” the gray-eyed human snapped, making it clear the subject had been closed.

“Now what in tarnation…”

The pair followed Applejack in silence. She returned it in kind, silently panicking at the prospect of something that had gotten Jer, the creature who had killed a manticore single-hoofedly (handedly?), so frightened.

“Ray? What the fuck are we gonna do?” Jer’s voice had become uncharacteristically quiet, despairing even.

“We’re going to fix the Duckling,” the scarred human replied, trying to reassure his distraught friend. “Then we’re going to make a break for Company space. We’ll go on ice. Maybe we’ll cross into the frontier zone before we run out of fuel… run into a deep space trading scow.” Both men lapsed into silence once more.

Leaving? Applejack didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. She’d only known the two bipeds for a few hours, and was still a little scared to be around them. If they left, she could forget them and everything would go back to the way it was. Peace. Confidence in being alone in the universe. But... her sister and her friends adored the two creatures, and, despite their frighteningly violent nature, Applejack couldn't help but like the pair as well. Though she didn't fully understand their plight, she empathized with them. She couldn't even imagine how it felt to be displaced in such a way: the only two of their kind in a new world.

Ponyville loomed ever closer. From Applejack’s position she could see that the streets were empty. This didn’t surprise her, recalling the ‘Zecora incident’ a year or so ago. The little town had a tradition of frightened animosity toward strange ponies.

Suddenly, Ray spoke up again. Applejack was hearing a lot more out of the tall human than she had expected she would. She had characterized him as the strong, silent type: like her hulking older brother, Mac.

“You getting a signal?”

“Yeah, but…”

“They’re pretty vocal today, huh?”

“Yes… but I can still hear it.” Applejack stole another glance back at the pair. If she hadn’t known any better, she might’ve thought Jer looked… pained, sad even.

“Tell me,” Ray commanded gently, his masculine voice overtly soothing. Jer cleared his throat.

“Hello Chicagoooooo!” he rasped, inflecting his voice in such a way that she almost turned completely around to make sure he was really the same person. His voice had taken on a quality that was completely unlike anything she had heard from him prior to now. “It’s nine ay-em and this station is officially off the grid!” His voice changed again: this time growing deeper as he spoke from the back of his throat.

“We’re the fucking bomb. Aren’t we Mike?” Higher again.

“Right you are Robby. Right you are. So… what’s the news?”

“Pigs have been moving through the lower east side, trying to stop rioting in the Threshers.” Applejack was completely lost. She understood that Jer was mimicking somepony, but she didn’t know whom.

“We aren’t giving ‘em an inch now are we?”

“No sir. Not until we see some fucking pay-dirt!”

“And who’s been hoarding the gas? Who’s been holding our fucking reserves? The mother-fucking Unionists, that’s who!”

“Don’t give ‘em an inch boys! Not one inch! Now let’s rock!” Jer switched back to his regular, raspy voice and smirked.

“They’re playing ‘Buckcherry’. I haven’t heard these guys in ages.”

“That’s pre-Weyland, Jer. Energy riots. Around 2036.”

“And I’m picking that shit up? Damn… we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

“If the broadcast is what it took for you to realize that, then I’m afraid something’s wrong with you.”

“Ray, there are lots of things wrong with me,” Jer grinned darkly at his stoic companion, sniggering.

While the two exterminators followed Applejack into Ponyville, passing by the empty homes of its residents on their way to Sugarcube Corner, another game of follow the leader was taking place just outside of Sweet Apple Acres.

Discord watched in amusement as a small brown and white shepherding dog chased a young squirrel through Everfree. The patchwork god snapped his fingers and the squirrel changed course, having been tugged subconsciously, its neurons flooded with a sudden influx of adrenaline and malicious intuition. It dove into the caverns beneath the surface of the grove of oaks in which Discord was perched. The dog followed. The spirit giggled maniacally and beamed down at the earthen hole below him. The anticipation was too much.

“Goody! I’m going to be a father!”

Ray stared at the empty houses, trying his best not to think of Omaha. Tuskeloosa. Alamogordo. The long march. So many empty homes. Empty towns. So many grown over… coated in bug paste. There were no bodies. The dead came later: when they stormed the hive.

A light tapping on his arm. Jer had asked him a question.

“Didn’t catch that. Say again?”

“Do you remember the last party we went to?”

“Promenade? When the hooker tried to stab you with her heel?”

“That’s the one.” The orange pony leading them, Applejack if memory served him, flinched and looked at Jer and him incredulously.

“What kinda party is that?” the mare asked.

“The kind that keeps ya sane, Girl,” Jer chuckled. “If you don’t mind me asking, why are you ponies throwing a welcome party for the scary aliens, again?”

“And why are we accepting?” Ray mused. "How the hell did Jer talk me into this?"

“It’s kinda like a local tradition,” Applejack answered noncommittally, as if she’d been asked that same question a thousand times. “Whenever a new pony, or in yer case, space creature, comes to town, Pinkie throws ‘em a welcome party at the bakery.”

“Aaaand Pinkie would be the nice mare who sprayed confetti at the barrier last night and almost set the uppity white unicorn on fire?” Jer inquired, hopefully.

“Eeeyup, she’s a bit crazy that way.”

“I respect crazy.”

They walked in silence for a time, passing several more empty thatched houses, shutters closed, upper windows dark. As they crossed the empty expanse of the town square, weaving among several closed market stalls, Jer chuckled to himself. Their pony guide stiffened a bit at the sound of his laughter, but relaxed quickly enough that Ray didn’t become too concerned. Jer had told him about the incident with the robber the previous morning. He thought it had been a reckless act, and Ray had told him so, but Jer ensured him that Applejack was grateful for his… intervention.

The two exterminators and their guide, having traversed the center of town, now found themselves in front of the largest gingerbread house Raymond had ever laid eyes on. A cupcake-shaped tower jutted from the center of the massive gingerbread shingles that overlaid the roof, complete with white frosting trim and a sign that hung from the east end. The sign was graced with the image of a magenta cupcake with pink sprinkles, apparently meant to represent the local confectionary. Like the other houses in town, its windows, too, were darkened. Not even the glow of a candle could be seen.

“Well here we are!” Applejack exclaimed, in a voice that practically screamed dishonesty. Her cheerfulness seemed forced and her eyes darted back and forth, looking everywhere but the two humans. Something was off. If there was going to be a party, where was everyone? Raymond silently cursed himself for not bringing any weapons. This had to be some sort of trap, or was he just being paranoid? God, why did he trust the adorable talking horses? Maybe Jer had someth-

“Where’d he go?” Jer was gone: vanished.

Ray glanced around easily, trying to uphold his clam, emotionless façade. Applejack had noticed Jer’s disappearance as well, it seemed, and she started to look around in panic.

“Wh-Where’s yer friend?” she stammered. “We can’t have ‘im go gallivantin’ around town!” The mare’s nervousness only served to increase Ray’s suspicions. If Jer had truly gotten away, maybe he could get back to the ship, grab some M4’s or maybe the dune jeep. He just had to play along and buy his friend some time.

“Oh, he’s probably just gone for a short stroll around the square. He’ll be back. He does this all the time. I assure you that there will be minimal property damage.” Ray gave her a wink, praying that she would understand the joke and just continue on with her sinister plan. He hoped that one alien captured would be good enough for them at present moment.

The mare jumped, as if surprised that he had answered her, then seemed to weigh her options. Hesitantly, she smiled.

“O-Okay then. Lets get you inside.” She stepped toward the gingerbread doorway of the bakery and opened it for him. The hinges creaked ominously. She didn’t seem worried enough about Jer being missing. Maybe there were others waiting on the road back to the forest: waiting for one of them to make a run for it.

Ray peered into the darkness, steeled himself, and ducked under the pony-sized doorframe.

Rainbow was still pissed. Today, however, it was solely due to the new arrivals: those two ape creatures. Pinkie had spent the whole day gushing about them, the party, and tons of other random things that Dash could care less about. She had hoped to avoid coming to the party, not wanting to be anywhere near the more hysterical of the two creatures: the one who had made her look like a scaredy-cat in front of her friends, but she couldn’t leave her friends with them either. So what if they promised they didn’t eat “sentient” beings. Who knew what their definition of “sentient” was? They were still space monsters for all she cared… and what they did to Scootaloo…

Rainbow shuddered, remembering the way her little orange fan had helped with… dinner. She sat behind the counter, looking around in the semi-darkness for the filly. Finally, she spotted her: she sat, fidgeting, with her two friends behind an overturned table on to her left. Voices could be heard outside, and they tensed, smiles growing wider. Her friends, excluding Applejack, were also hiding behind the counter. They, too, began physically preparing themselves for the aliens’ arrival. Dash sighed.

“A bucking surprise party. Celestia, Pinkie… why?” Her hyper friend had spent the entire morning on the party, which, for the town’s premier party pony, is really saying something. It usually took her less than a few minutes to prepare a party. Half the townsfolk had been drafted to help clean Sugarcube Corner, receiving invitations for their trouble. Pinkie even went as far as to make a special “Sunshine Order” for the weather patrol through Mayor Mare. Dash, being the team’s captain, ended up having to supervise the clearing of the skies above Ponyville: a huge pain in the flank for her since it was scheduled to be overcast that day. At least she hadn’t been struck by lightning again. She stretched her damaged wing and grimaced, promising herself that she’d have Fluttershy look at it later.

The voices got closer, and Rainbow could feel the vibrations of footsteps on the bakery porch. Excitement was so thick in the air that it could be cut with a butter knife. Suddenly, Dash realized that most of the ponies inside had no idea they were about to meet an alien. Or, at least, she didn’t remember telling anypony. This was going to be interesting.

Light streamed into the bakery as the door slowly creaked open. Dash bristled with anticipation as nothing happened for a full three seconds. Just when she began to get nervous that they wouldn’t come inside, that something was wrong, the light was blotted out and a hunched figure entered the bakery.

The lights snapped on, bathing the alien in bright, artificial light: just as planned.

Everypony yelled surprise and confetti blasted everywhere: just as planned.

Then a collective gasp, and silence: not exactly planned.

Everypony stared at the human that Rainbow identified as the one who called himself Ray with a mixture of shock and fear. Ray himself had taken up a defensive stance: crouched slightly, forelimbs poised to strike, one blue eye scanning the crowd of ponies before him. Nothing happened. The only pony who moved was Pinkie. She appeared to be looked back and forth between the two groups in dismay, unsure of how she could resolve the current standoff.

Seconds ticked by. Just when Dash was about to move away from the counter to do… something, manic laughter erupted from the back of the room.

Everypony turned to the source of the laughter and backed away in fright upon finding a second alien, writhing in merriment at one of the backmost booths, a half-finished cupcake lying next to him on the table.

“How did… what... how?” Rainbow’s mind frantically searched for some explanation of how he could have gotten inside. The back door had been locked. Pinkie had asked her to check on that personally…

Rainbow’s anxiety quickly turned to anger: not just toward the giggling human, but also toward herself. How could she not have noticed the absence of the much-loathed Mr. Hanes? She was just about to spring towards the seated human, when the bubbly laughter of a certain pink pony joined that of the maniacal creature. Pinkie hopped onto the other side of the booth, taking a moment to stuff the rest of Jer’s treat into her maw before continuing to giggle like a school filly. She was soon followed by the three fillies hiding to Dash’s left, who rolled around on the floorboards, holding their ribs as mirth wracked their little bodies.

Across the room, the other human seemed to relax. He stood straight up and crossed his arms, trying to put on a stern expression. He failed, choosing instead to smirk knowingly at his companion. Applejack suddenly appeared in the doorway behind him, eyeing the shocked ponies nervously.

“Y-You shoulda’ seen the looks on your faces!” Jer cried between peels of laughter. “Fucking priceless!”

“It was pretty funny, wasn’t it?” Pinkie snorted. The Crusaders slowly dragged themselves over to the pair. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle jumped on Jer’s lap and Scootaloo was ceremoniously lifted onto Jer’s shoulders, each still laughing to various degrees. Rainbow noticed Rarity grit her teeth and make a move to stop her sister, but Twilight held her back.

Slowly, the other party guests began to chuckle. Having seen the way the strange creature interacted with the three fillies, mares and stallions alike began to calm down and move closer to investigate the two humans. An aquamarine unicorn named Lyra, with whom Dash had occasionally conversed over at the Hayseed, was the first to fully approach one of them: Ray. Rainbow couldn’t make out what she was saying over the collective murmur of the crowded bakery, but she seemed especially interested in Ray’s claws. She even went so far as to grab one of them, earning her a quizzical look from the still standing human. After much murmuring and an explanation by Twilight as to the origins of the two “guests of honor,” the party began in earnest.

“Wow,” Rainbow mused, not knowing whether to be relieved or disappointed. “That went surprisingly… well.”

As ponies began to enjoy the party and got more comfortable, the panic that had been welling inside Twilight’s chest subsided. Princess Celestia had yet to arrive, and, in Pinkie and her haste to get the party ready, they had neglected to actually explain who (what) the party was for: a huge oversight on Twilight’s part. If Jer hadn’t broke the tension, who knows what could’ve happened? Even she wasn’t powerful enough to stop a hysterical mob of ponies with pitchforks and torches, and if the two humans had retaliated? She shuddered, trying not to think about it.

After Rarity had calmed down and accepted that her sister wouldn’t be harmed by the “poorly-dressed ruffian” as she so haughtily put it, Twilight had released her and exited from behind the counter to observe the festivities.

Applejack was attempting to detach Lyra from Raymond’s hand, becoming more frustrated by the second. Rainbow was seething in the corner, casting glares at Jer, who was currently demolishing a cake alongside Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy was at the edge of the party, sipping some punch and avoiding everypony: especially the humans. Rarity was slowly making her way towards Sweetie Belle.

“Maybe I released her too soon.” Twilight mentally sighed and made her way over to the distraught fashionista, hoping to intercept her before she caused a scene. As she approached, she was able to hear Sweetie Belle over the crowd.

“Jer! How didja get in here! You ruined the surprise!”

“You kidding? Me? Ruin a surprise? Never… I just made one of my own is all,” Jer assured her. “I’ll play you a song, if that’ll make up for it.” Sweetie displayed her enthusiasm for the idea with an excited squealing noise. The human was just about to remove his guitar from his back, Pinkie and the Crusaders watching with rapt attention, when Rarity finally made it over.

“Sweetie,” she lilted softly, taking full advantage of her practiced Canterlot accent in order to mask her discomfort. Twilight wasn’t fooled by the soft tone, and, from the look of it, neither was Jer. “Please remove yourself from Mr. Hanes’ lap. We wouldn’t want to impose on the poor soul, now would we?” Twilight flinched and gauged Jer’s reaction.

The human gave an amused smile and promptly replied:

“How, my good mare, could you possibly believe that these three exuberant fillies are imposing upon my goodwill as a gentlecolt? The only one here imposing upon my good graces, my dear, is you.” Both Rarity and Twilight gaped at the man. He had just imitated the alabaster unicorn’s accent perfectly, only hesitating on the word “gentlecolt,” which Twilight assumed had been a very lucky guess of terminology on Jer’s part. Pinkie Pie had been glaring at Rarity as if to give her a dressing down for spreading frowns instead of smiles, but upon hearing Jer’s imitation, she couldn’t help but gape as well.

The party continued uninterrupted around the small group of figures at the back of the confectionary. Finally, Jer spoke up again, this time forgoing the accent.

“If you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to go make my head shut up.” He gently lifted Scootaloo from his shoulders and the other two Crusaders from his lap, putting them all on the tabletop next to the remains of the cupcake cup, now devoid of sugary treat, gave them a winning smile, and made his way toward the kitchen: where fewer party-goers had gathered. Once he had left, the Crusaders, joined by Pinkie, glared angrily at both unicorns. Twilight had no idea why they were glaring at her. She hadn’t done anything!

“Really, Girls?” Pinkie growled. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“Yeah!” Scootaloo piped, “What the hay was that?”

“Scootaloo!” Rarity gasped, “Language!”

“This isn’t about Scootaloo, Rarity,” Twilight cut in; trying to display whose side she was on. Rarity was her friend, but her behavior had been unnecessary and rude: not to mention totally unlike her usually well-mannered persona. “What made you think that was necessary?”

“I’m just uncomfortable with my sister being associated with such a vulgar being,” the white unicorn huffed, pointing her nose toward the ceiling. Sweetie Belle sighed exasperatedly and hopped off the table.

“He’s a nice colt, Rarity,” she said, motioning for her friends to get up as well. “He looked after us when we were out in the forest on our own, and now we’re gonna look after him here. C’mon girls.” All three fillies dashed off toward the kitchen. Pinkie got up, and, surprisingly, said nothing. She followed the three fillies with an odd look on her face, not that most of her looks weren't a little strange. Twilight chose to ignore it in order to focus on her fellow unicorn, resolving to delve deeper into Pinkie’s behavior later.

She turned to Rarity, who had visibly softened at her sister’s words.

“Rarity…”

“Save it, Dear,” she sighed, still unfailingly ladylike. “I… I don’t need the lecture right now…” With that, the fashionista left, joining Rainbow Dash in the corner. Goddesses, Twilight hated conflict. If only Celestia were here.

While she lamented the absence of her teacher, Twilight scanned the room for the other human. Though he was drugged the last time she’d met him, she could tell he was the more rational, and, perhaps, more intelligent of the two creatures. She had so many questions to ask, but, unfortunately, had been unable to get to them due to Raymond’s addled state. Finally, she spotted him. He was sitting in the shadows of the booth next to Dash’s, one blue eye shining in the darkness. The rainbow-maned pegasus was ignoring him in favor of conversing with the now depressed Rarity.

“No good could possibly come of that,” Twilight thought nervously. She watched the pair for a moment, worrying, when she noticed Applejack trot lopsidedly over to the darkened booth with two glasses of punch: one held in her mouth and the other in her left fore hoof. She hoofed the one to Ray, who took it carefully, giving the farm mare an almost imperceptible nod. Applejack smiled good-naturedly before taking a seat across from him in the booth. Perfect. Now Twilight didn’t have to work so hard to break the ice… not that that usually mattered to her anyway.

She made her way back to the counter, finding her saddlebags among the rolled streamers and displayed treats, among other party supplies. After some casual rummaging, she eventually pulled out her quill, inkwell, and a few scrolls before she headed back to where AJ and Ray were sitting. Ray noticed her coming and raised an eyebrow.

“Hello Raymond,” she beamed, trying her best at a casual re-introduction. She’d been practicing at home in the mirror and Spike told her she was getting quite good. A pang of guilt shot through her chest: she shouldn’t have insisted on him staying home. “I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.” The human looked at her for a moment, and then gestured to the spot next to Applejack. Twilight’s smile widened. Assuming that was an affirmative, she was in!

Well… at least it hadn’t been a trap.

Raymond sat in his booth, ignoring the increasingly anxious purple unicorn across from him in favor of examining the other partygoers, along with the party itself. It was much quieter than any of the other parties Jer dragged him to, which was nice. It also seemed fit for a rather young audience: streamers, pin the tail on the donkey (still unsure about that), and brightly colored sweets that Ray half expected to come with pre-packaged shots of insulin. Not a drop of liquor or random strap-on in site.

“Ugh, that one still gives me nightmares…”

Ray knew why Jer always chose the loudest, most vulgar places to celebrate while on leave, and he forgave him for always bringing him as company. The noise helped the fractured soldier: blotted out the things in his head, at least for a time. This party was too quiet. Ray waited and watched, expecting Jer to do something, ANYTHING, to liven the place up… and he was going to let him. He needed something to smile about today, anyway.

The unsettling green unicorn with the lyre ass-blemish was watching him: had been for the past ten minutes. He could see her from the corner of his eye. She was across the room, next to a cream colored pony who was happily conversing with her: unaware that her partner’s attention was diverted elsewhere. Ray prayed she would leave him be.

A minute passed. The lavender unicorn, Sparky-something, was glaring resentfully at him. Applejack was stifling laughter and consoling the distraught mare, patting her on the back and explaining that he hadn’t spoken to anyone but Jer while fully sober and that she shouldn’t take it personally. She neglected to mention their quick conversation before entering the bakery, but the human decided to ignore it as a part of her consolation. Ray liked Applejack. She wasn’t pushy and understood the value of silence: the art of communication… without the communicating part. The fact that she’d guided them through town and hadn’t led them into a trap was also a deciding factor. Ray appreciated honesty, even when he didn’t immediately take notice of it.

Ray was still appraising the crowd when the kitchen exploded. A loud crack rocked the building and huge clouds of flour began billowing out of the doorway behind the counter. A few ponies fell down in fright, but got up quickly when five white figures stumbled from the doorway: all of them giggling hysterically. Ray couldn’t recognize the ponies, but immediately recognized the powdery being who towered over them. Somewhere, the asshole had found a lampshade and he was wearing it atop his head proudly. A fire alarm began ringing in the kitchen, and the largest of the four ghostly ponies dashed back inside to silence it, still laughing.

The other partyers, their shock having worn off, joined in Jer’s infectious laughter and the formerly quiet festivities slowly became more interesting. The only two ponies who still seemed dismayed, a sky-blue mare with a bright pink mane and a yellow stallion (the owners, Ray presumed), rushed into the kitchen after the other flour-covered pony. Moments later the alarm snapped off.

Jer, flour falling off of him in clumps or floating away in small clouds, was now giving the three smaller ponies, the fillies Jer had introduced him to earlier, a rather exaggerated piggyback ride around the room. Ponies clapped and whinnied at his antics. Applejack and Sparky chuckled good-naturedly at the scene.

“If only they knew what went on in that poor man’s head… and how much they’re helping him by cheering and running their horsy mouths.”

Suddenly, Applejack spoke up.

“That guy sure is a funny one. How in the hay did a quiet stalli—Ah mean human like you get to be friends with you?”

“Earth,” Ray answered matter-of-factly, still watching Jer prance around the room. A pink mare with splotches of flour still clinging to her appeared next to him, lightening his load one filly.

“C-Come again?” Applejack stuttered. Ray turned to look at the two mares sharing his booth. Both appeared to be in a state of shock. Apparently, neither of them had expected any answer from the stone-faced human. Sparky glared at Applejack. Was she sore that he’d answered to the farm mare and not her? Well boo-fucking-hoo. She was irritating. Applejack deserved an answer: she’d brought him a drink after all.

“I met the bastard on Earth.”

“Is… is that in space?”

“It’s in the Sol system: third body from the star, terrestrial, single moon.”

The purple unicorn was scribbling frantically on her scrolls, holding the quill with a glowing lavender aura. Jer had warned him about that magic shit. He didn’t seem too worried about it, but Ray thought it was just too unnatural. The mare stopped only briefly to cast a pleading gaze toward her friend, urging her to continue.

“Uh… couldja elaborate… maybe?”

Ray leaned back, closed his eyes, and launched into his own interpretation of the history of man, or, what he could remember of it, anyways. He began with basic governmental structure: explaining the differences between the early Western and Eastern hemispheres. The republic, constitutional monarchy, absolutism, and, eventually, socialism and communism. He described man’s rise in technological prowess, attempting to avoid stress on huge advances during wartime. Jer had warned him that these creatures were generally peaceful in nature, commenting that the fillies he had looked after didn’t recognize the word “war.” It just wasn’t in their vocabulary.

Luckily, he didn’t have to explain the concept of war to the mares across from him. Or maybe he did. They hadn’t interrupted to ask. Eventually, after he had touched on the triumph of free market capitalism after the collapse of the Soviet Union, Ray came to more recent history: the rise of the Company.

“In 2035, the planet’s oil reserves were all but dry. Countries began rationing fossil fuels and there were several international conflicts over the scarce oil. Some nations even resorted to threatening nuclear war in order to assure they met the energy needs of their citizens. Oil refineries across the globe closed down, and other renewable energy sources failed to meet the needs of an ever-expanding human population: now well over 9 billion. Riots were commonplace in the 30s, especially in first-world nations where the people were used to constant electrical inundation and the ability to travel freely.”

Ray paused and opened his eyes. He was surprised to see that his audience had grown by three: the white unicorn and the yellow pegasus from the clearing had joined Sparky and Applejack on the other end of the booth, while the rainbow pegasus had pulled up a chair to his left. They were all listening politely, save Rainbow Dash, who was watching Jer from her position with barely-concealed contempt. Sparky was still writing furiously. The scratching of quill on parchment could barely be heard over the din of the party.

Ray spotted Gerald near the snack table, scarfing cupcake after cupcake next to the same pink mare from before while the crowd cheered. He allowed a small smile at his friend’s actions. The man had always had a sweet tooth… probably because sweets were hard to come by on a desert colony, even with Company tourism. Ray settled back down and continued:

“The Trans-Nuclear Reactor, 'trannie' for short, ended the energy riots. It was invented under commission by Yoshiri Yutani and Jonathan Weyland: two American entrepreneurs who had made it big as consultants for several large corporations. The new reactors were nearly sixty percent more efficient than previous uranium-powered plants and are completely safe, assuming enough coolant is applied. Just like that, humanity was saved, as if by the hands of God. No, make that two gods.”

Ray sure could talk once he got going.

Applejack listened, raptly, while the human explained how his world was currently governed. Now, she was a savvy businessmare, along with Rarity, but she could barely understand any of the “bullshit bureaucracy” that lead to the rise of “the Company” as Ray put it. Something about mergers and buyouts: not of other businesses, but whole countries! AJ guessed economic power had its perks.

“With Earth under their control, Weyland-Yutani began expanding the uses for its precious reactors. Space travel became simpler now that fuel was no longer an issue, and the Company looked toward colonization: not to relieve pressure from the already overpopulated Earth, but for economic gain. Earth wasn’t exactly full of natural resources anymore, especially after the planet’s national parks were subsidized and sold to the Company during their rise to power.”

Natural resources? He meant trees right? Applejack couldn’t imagine an entire world devoid of the most majestic of plant life. She had been distraught when she had to move only ONE of her trees across Equestria.

“Ah miss ya, Bloomberg… evry day…”

Applejack tore herself from such depressing thoughts and looked out on the party still going on around them. Somehow, Pinkie had gotten hold of several instruments (most likely the ones she’d never returned after the parasprite incident), and Jer was playing each one in turn, striking ridiculous poses, and, while playing a trumpet, dragged himself across the checkout counter on his back, much to the amusement of the attending fillies and most of the adults. At that point, the farm mare realized something.

“Sugarcube, this is interestin’ an’ all, but ya never really answered mah question,” Applejack interrupted, cutting Ray off while describing several of the innermost colonies his people had established. Twilight gave her a sharp kick and glared, apparently upset that the flow of information had stopped. Was she afraid that once he was interrupted he wouldn’t continue? Applejack didn’t think Ray was that kind of stallion. Even her brother talked amongst family, and little interruptions never bothered him. Besides, she’d asked him a question.

“I told you I met him on Earth.”

“Ah asked how ya met him, Sugarcube,” Applejack countered. The spaceman sighed.

“To completely understand how I met him would require an explanation of mankind’s greatest mistake. Our most outstanding weakness.”

“We’ve got all night,” Twilight added, hopefully. Another sigh.

“I mentioned war before… you didn’t question what it was so I assume you know?” Twilight spoke up, eager to answer the human.

“A large conflict between two groups, usually involving bloodshed. There hasn’t been one in Equestria in over a thousand years.” She mentioned the last part offhandedly, and, if Applejack heard correctly, a tad smugly. Luckily, Ray seemed to ignore it. Instead, he stared off toward Jer, who was playing a tuba with reckless abandon while Scootaloo rode the brass horn. Eventually, he continued.

“Mankind is ruthless. Willing to do terrible things in order to dominate others. We are also naturally inquisitive. When these traits are combined during wartime, man has been known to create terrifying new ways of bringing pain, suffering, and death to others. And though the Company kept the peace rather well, their goal to “build better worlds” led to… tempting discoveries in the vast reaches of space.” He paused again, his one blue eye staring straight at her. When he resumed, he directed himself solely toward the orange cowpony.

“If you had the chance to learn from the perfect organism, a creature so naturally resilient to the elements that it could survive being boiled in molten lead or being shot into the vacuum of space, would you take it? If you had the power to cultivate it and shape its will to your needs… would you?”

“Ah… um… Ah d-don’t rightly know,” Applejack stuttered, confused by Ray’s sudden switch to questioning her. “Ah guess they would make good farmhands if’n Ah could control ‘em…” Ray smiled sadly at her: the first real smile he’d given anyone besides Jer while sober. He took a sip of the punch she’d brought him and grimaced.

“Weyland-Yutani discovered the perfect organism,” he continued, gazing off into space again. “Many years before I was born in Seattle, a large city on Earth, the Company lost contact with a terraforming colony on the planet LV-426 after sending a workgroup to check out a grid reference… er… place of interest. A squad of colonial marines, Weyland-Yutani’s idea of a standing military, and a few company personnel were sent to investigate. Their ship, the Sulaco, disappeared. The official Company statement was that it crashed due to inexplicable engine failure and the power of mistress gravity… but later the citizens of Weyland-Yutani’s great colonial empire found out what REALLY happened. Unfortunately, by then it was too late.”

Applejack glanced around at her friends. They were riveted, especially Twilight, and were ignoring the party completely. Dash was almost as interested as the purple unicorn, but was much better at hiding it. The fact that she hadn’t glared over at Jer in the past five minutes was a sign in itself that she was fully engrossed in Ray’s tale. Fluttershy squeezed closer to Rarity, unable to take the suspense.

Nopony noticed the presence of a sixth listener: a regal white pony with a mane that flowed as if blown by a high-powered fan.

“After touching down on the planet, the marines were attacked by something that our species had never encountered before. Out of the fourteen marines and two company personnel, three survived. The colonists they were sent to reestablish contact with had been dead for months: over 50 families, gone.” Applejack flinched at the mention of families.

“Whole families killed? Children? What buckin’ monster would do such a thing?” She couldn’t imagine so much death. A solitary tear rolled down her muzzle, and she had to struggle not to cry openly. Images of her family disappearing, forever, flashed through her mind: endless deadly scenarios roiled within her skull. She quickly checked on Applebloom, and, upon spotting her, breathed a sigh of relief. The little yellow filly had fallen asleep next to the punch bowl.

While she had been searching for her sister, Raymond had continued his tale. Applejack refocused her attention so she wouldn’t miss any more.

“… ever heard of a bot fly?” the human finished asking. Twilight perked up and was about to answer, but Fluttershy beat her to the punch.

“Y-Yes. It’s a parasite that has its babies under an animal’s skin. Th-They grow up and eventually squirm their way out, leaving a small hole. I’ve treated a few of my animal friends for them.” Applejack was surprised at the canary pegasus’s boldness. She guessed being on the subject of animals helped her a bit. Ray nodded to the timid pegasus and continued with his point.

“The things the Company discovered on LV-426 are like huge bot flies: the men in my outfit called them 'xenomorphs.' They gestate within the host’s body, bursting out upon developing to a certain point, killing the host in the process. They were efficient, self-sustaining killing machines, and the Company wanted them.” Applejack fought to control her errant imagination. She failed, and had to resort to checking on Applebloom again. Fluttershy, who knew of bot flies from experience, was hyperventilating, teal eyes as wide as saucers. Rarity tried her best to calm her down.

“Somehow they got a hold of DNA from a Queen: basically the big mama bot fly. An entire orbital research facility was dedicated to training the creatures for their bioweapons division. The creatures escaped, leading to the destruction of the facility and further deaths. The story leaked. Eventually, even the frontier colonies knew of the dangerous new species Weyland-Yutani was tampering with in Earth’s atmosphere. People got angry. Shareholders got angry. Yoshiri Yutani’s grandson, the current CEO and Director for the corporation made a public statement that the Company would no longer look to cultivate the parasites. Even in an economic oligarchy, public opinion is important: especially when every citizen owns a number of shares in the Company, and, therefore, the government. I was seven years old.”

Applejack finally noticed the addition to Ray’s audience: she was seated behind them and she caught a glimpse of her mane at the edge of her vision. Her eyes widened in recognition of her Princess, but she kept quiet. The royal alicorn was regarding Raymond curiously, and didn’t seem to want to make a scene.

“Now, when the Company Director makes a statement people go along with it. He would be to us what your… Princess… is to you. The human desire for power, however, is stronger than most political allegiances. Corrupt men. Insane men. Some wanted to dominate; others, to worship. Scientists sought out these creatures in order to better understand them and research them. They wanted to make humanity better: alter our bodies to be more like them.” Ray’s words dripped with malice and hatred, his good eye sharp and full of wrath. Applejack watched his fist clench on the table, crushing the long empty glass of punch into an unrecognizable plastic ball.

“Infestations popped up on some colonies… on Earth. No one really knows how–because those who would are now dead—but a terrorist organization that called themselves the Ebon Knights got ahold of a clutch of xeno eggs. They planted them in different cities across the globe, protecting them, feeding them in secret. Eventually, one of their victims bore a Queen. The bugs spread like wildfire. By the time an effective evacuation could be set up, the whole continent of Asia had been lost: nearly three billion of us gone… translated to three billion of them.” Ray spat the last word out as if it tasted like a rotten apple. He leaned forward and held his face in his hands. “I was fifteen.”

Applejack wanted to reach out: console the angry human somehow… but she didn’t know how she could. Nothing she could possibly say would have made any difference. She looked at her friends and saw the same conflict in their eyes that she herself felt. Her eyes eventually settled on Celestia, who wore a look of horror unlike any expression Applejack had seen from her, even when Discord had escaped.

“It took three weeks… three weeks for rescue vessels to come from the inner colonies and aid the swamped Earth Guard, who had already lost several ships to infected refugees coming aboard. It was a disaster. A population of nearly ten billion… cut down to less than three, but not all due to the parasites. Rescue ships would relay messages to refugees, telling them to gather in city centers for evacuation. They would go, drawing the parasites for miles to attack… then Company bombers dropped nuclear warheads on them.”

The human was silent for a time, still holding his face in his palms. After a moment, he sat up again, gaze directed toward his partying friend. Jer was juggling several cooking utensils while trying to balance on a small stool. The stool fell out from under him and he landed on Pinkie Pie, much to the amusement of the other ponies in the room: especially Applebloom’s two friends who were still conscious. Just when it seemed he wouldn’t continue, Ray spoke up again.

“I met Gerald Hanes in the year 2103, just outside of London,” the stone-faced human murmured, all traces of anguish gone. “After the fall of Earth, I joined the Colonial Armada as a marksman. I was sniper support for a squad of colonial marines working outside of the city. Jer was one of them. Their job was to draw the bastards out so our air support could blow them to smithereens; mine was to cover the marines’ asses. Neither of us did our jobs right. We were dropped too close to the hive, and our air support was held up inside the city. Jer’s squad was overrun. There was nothing my spotter or I could do.” Ray chuckled and shook his head. The action startled Applejack and her friends, and they followed his gaze over to the other human, who was playing whatever instrument Pinkie Pie handed him enthusiastically, albeit very badly.

“Jer’s a maniac. He finds great pleasure in killing them: the xenos. Even as his squad mates were felled around him, some killed outright; others, dragged back to the hive to be hosts for more of the Queen’s children, Jer massacred them: laughing while he did it. Eventually it was just him, alone, pumping bullets into a wall of bugs that slowly surrounded him. My spotter and I ditched our position to help him. He had run out of ammunition when we’d finally gotten to him, and was fighting them hand to hand with a piece of steel rebar and a rusty pair of brass knuckles. I think he still has those: the knuckles, I mean…” Ray trailed off. The noise of the party and the off-key playing of a bassoon drifted all around. “My spotter was killed… acid ate through his armor and into his stomach. They tried to take him to the Queen anyway, even as his bowels dissolved and he threw up pieces of his intestine. I don’t even remember his name…”

Nausea bubbled, but Applejack held onto her lunch. She was beginning to wish she hadn’t asked about how they met, even if it was an accident. She didn’t even want to know how his eye got like it was anymore, and judging from the way Rainbow was grimacing, she probably didn’t either. Rarity, Twilight, and Fluttershy looked about the same, the yellow pegasus whimpering softly. It looked like she wanted to dive across the table and hug the storytelling human to death. The Princess looked less sickly: just a little paler than normal. Her face had become a royal mask, betraying no emotion whatsoever.

“H-How’d you get out?” Twilight asked quietly.

“Fucking dropship finally showed up… but not before Jer had a hole the size of a softball ripped out of his side. I dragged the bloody bastard onto the bird while he sang like a loon and kept shooting at the fuckers. After we pulled out they bombed that suburb for three hours. Jer was awarded a purple heart and two extra Company shares. He used the medal to make the firing mechanism for one of his 'masterpieces' and gave the shares to me. We’ve been switching custody whenever one of us saves the other’s ass. Right now I have them… er… had them. Can’t really cash them now, can I? We tried to stick together after that day, and, after the reconquest of Earth, were commissioned as exterminators by the Company.”

“An what… uh… exactly do y’all do as exterminators?” Applejack asked, reading off a scroll Twilight had hoofed her from under the table.

“We, along with several other teams of former marines and Armada personnel, investigate possible xenomorph infestation on inhabited worlds, protecting Company assets and shareholders from harm while purging the threat.” The way Ray spoke reminded Applejack of a dictionary entry. He was cold. Emotionless.

The sound of Jer’s guitar drifted over to the booth. The manic human, still coated in patches of flour, had seated himself on the display counter. He had cut the neck off of a soda bottle and was wearing it on his pinkie, running it along the guitar strings as he played, drawing out and distorting its vibrations. He began to sing in a halting voice, putting on an impeccable Appaloosan accent:

“In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey.

Butane in my veins an’ I’m out to get the junkie

With the plastic eye-balls. Spraypaint the vegetables.

Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose…”

Pinkie sat next to him, nodding her head to the music and listening intently, as if Jer’s words were those of a wise old stallion. The mares turned to Ray, hoping for an explanation. The man simply shrugged before settling back into his seat with a frown.

“I’ve always hated this song…” he trailed off then picked up again. “With our ship damaged the way it is, it seems that we’ll be here awhile. In that case, there are some things you should know about Gerald.”

The singing continued.

“Soooooy u-un perdidor!

I’m a loser babyyyy, so why dontcha kill meee!”

“Corporal Hanes was born an orphan on the frontier colony of Jiboomi, a desert world that was settled mainly by people of Irish descent. Ireland is… well… was an island country on the Earth. Both his parents were killed due to radiation poisoning from the, unfortunately, leaky old-world nuclear power plant the colonists were forced to use. His father died four days before he was born; his mother, during childbirth. Jiboomi was a planet riddled with orphans, and several orphanages and foster services had been established since its founding in the late 2070s. Jer spent his young life in one such place. He told me he had a good childhood, and I believe him. He never told me when or how he left the orphanage. All I know is that he joined the marines soon afterward.”

“… cuz one’s got a weasel an’ the other’s got a flag…”

“He should have, for all intensive purposes, been killed twice already. The radiation he sustained while still in his mother’s womb should have killed him three times over, or at least made him into a squid monster, but it didn’t. During our service in the campaign to re-take Earth, a grenade – an explosive ball that a soldier throws – exploded next to his head. We were clearing an office building that was serving as the hive for the bugs, and a piece of metal from a thing called a 'computer' pierced his skull and lodged itself in his temporal lobe. He was legally dead for three minutes, but a shock to the chest with one of our medic’s defibrillators brought him back. He was deaf for a few days, but other than that he was fine.”

“… and my mind is a piece of wax, floatin’ on a termite.

He’s chokin’ on the splinters…”

“That brings me to my final warning about him. If he ever seems distracted, distant, or you see him beating his head against a wall, either leave him be, or pleasantly distract him. He has a mild case of schizophrenia, meaning there are voices in his head: voices only he can hear. I read about the disorder in a medical textbook while on leave. Luckily for Jer, his case isn’t debilitating. He doesn’t suffer from hallucinations or private delusions, or, at least he says he doesn’t, and can communicate like a regular human being. He just hears voices, and, thanks to the hunk of metal in his head, picks up radio waves, making the poor man’s skull an even more crowded place.” Ray must’ve noticed the look AJ was giving to him, because he quickly explained.

“Radio is an invisible wave of energy that my species has used to transmit information and music for centuries. Since this wave can travel great distances through the vacuum of space without dissipating all that much, he still gets it, though more faintly. Unfortunately, due to the great distance, the broadcasts he gets are from way before our time. The metal in Gerald’s head picks up these old radio waves, and the tiny vibrations stimulate his temporal lobe. He’s constantly plagued by music, advertisements, or news of some sort to go along with the imaginary voices. So if he seems a little distracted when you see him, now you know why. Its more than likely you won’t see him all that much, unless you visit us in the clearing that is.”

The conversation the two humans were having on the way to the bakery made a little more sense to Applejack now.

While Ray was talking about his anarchic comrade, Applejack had noticed Rainbow Dash becoming more somber. Every once in a while she would glance at the singing human, pity weighing heavily in her eyes. The orange mare would be lying if she said she didn’t feel the same way, and she hated lying.

Jer finished his song about being a loser and his audience cheered, though, Applejack was fairly certain they had no idea what they were cheering for. Some ponies began yelling “encore.” Even Rainbow cheered a little.

“Prolly just bein’ polite. That song was awful strange.”

The human stood, gave a jaunty grin and a bow, and whispered something in Pinkie’s ear. The party pony smiled then whipped out an electric version of his precious guitar along with a speaker, seemingly from thin air. Most of the ponies who knew Pinkie had learned not to question this sort of thing, and Jer seemed to be no exception. Unfazed, the human picked up the instrument and began tuning it restlessly. Once finished, he began playing anew.

He played quickly and melodiously, fingers jumping across the frets with ease. The tune undulated, rising, falling, quickening and slowing in tempo, until, finally he began to sing:

“To seek the sacred river Alph.

To walk the caves of ice.

To break my fast on honeydew,

And drink the milk of Paradise…”

Ponies quieted down throughout the bakery and listened as the music reverberated about the mock gingerbread house. Twilight finally noticed the Princess and quickly exited the booth to make her way over to her teacher. Applejack watched her bow then look around at everypony else, a small frown on her face. The lavender unicorn opened her mouth to speak, probably to protest that nopony was paying their proper respects to the Princess, but was silenced by a bright golden aura clamping down on her jaw. Celestia eyed her favorite student mischievously then turned her attention back to the biped with the guitar. Jer had increased the tempo further and began singing much louder, almost shouting, his eyes screwed completely shut.

“I had heard the whispered tales of immortality,

The deepest mystery.

From an ancient book, I took a clue.

I scaled the frozen mountaintops of eastern lands unknown…

Time and man alone!

Searching! For the lost! Xanadu…

Xaaaa-naaaa-duuuu-u...”

He began playing quietly again, hunched over. Applejack could swear she heard bells tolling in the distance, but that was impossible… the bell at town hall was being repaired after an unfortunate accident involving Rainbow Dash and something she called the “Lightning Strut.” That pegasus sure had a hard head. It couldn’t have been the schoolhouse bell either. Classes had been let out early for Maremorial Day.

“Must’ve been a trick of the wind…”

“To stand within the Pleasure Dome,

Decreed by Kublai Khan.

To taste anew the fruits of life.

The last immortal ma-an…

To find the sacred river, Alph.

To walk the caves of ice!

Oh, I will dine on honeydew,

And drink the milk of Pa-aradise!”

The orange farm pony was absolutely enraptured with Jer’s music. The lyrics were strange, but they made more sense than the other song he’d played. She glanced at Ray. He was asleep.

“Ah guess he’s heard this’un before.”

Jer’s voice softened and began to quaver a bit as he sang.

“A thousand years have come and gone but time has passed me by…

Stars stopped in the sky:

Frozen in an everlasting view.

Waiting for the world to end…

Weary of the night, praying for the light…

Prison of the lost Xanadu.”

The sorrow Jer portrayed was heartrending. Even the Princess seemed affected… especially the Princess… was she tearing up? It wasn’t that moving, was it?

“Held within the Pleasure Dome,

Decreed by Kublai Khan.

To taste my bitter triumph! As a mad immortal man…

Never-more shall I return!

Escape these caves of ice!

For I have dined on honeydew,

And drank the milk of Paradise!”

It was there that Jer ended, screaming the last few lines and playing like a mad-pony (man?). When he finished, the bakery erupted with wild cheering: REAL cheering this time. The human had played a few songs when they’d met the night before in his clearing, but they hadn’t been so… loud? AJ didn’t know, but she liked it.

Once the cheering died down, Gerald placed the guitar on the counter and scooped up a sleepy Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, carrying them over to the booth while Pinkie trailed along behind with Applebloom. Someone had accidentally spilled punch on the sleeping filly, and now she was a sticky mess.

“Somepony needs a bath,” Pinkie giggled, depositing the filly in question into Applejack’s lap.

“Ah’ll take care of it when Ah get ‘er home,” the orange cowpony sighed, smiling lovingly at her little sister. Jer placed the other two fillies in Ray’s lap and they immediately dropped like stones.

“How’s it feel to be the most comfortable bed in the land?” Jer teased, smiling.

Ray gazed pensively at the two fillies for a moment then shrugged. The human was just settling back for what was probably going to be a long shift of “bed duty” when Twilight decided to walk up with the Princess.

“That was quite a performance, Mr. Hanes,” the royal alicorn praised, eyeing the two humans like an archaeologist eyes a particularly intriguing fossil.

“No one’s called me Mr. Hanes since I worked the Company complaints office on Jiboomi… well either Mr. Hanes or flaming cunt-hole…” he trailed off and cocked his head as if listening to some distant sound. Celestia waited patiently for the man to continue, and, eventually, he did. “You can just call me Jer.” The human held out his hand to shake, and the Princess took it, Twilight watching apprehensively. Applejack was just as worried. The Princess didn’t seem offended by the familiarity the alien was showing, but she was known for her ability to hide her distaste in ponies. She had to deal with Blueblood after all…

“Jer, this is Princess Celestia. She rules Equestria along with her sister, Luna,” Twilight explained, continuing to eye the pair nervously.

“Cool beans,” Jer answered. Smiling mischievously, he turned to his buddy, the comfiest bed in the land. “Hey Fussy, I heard there was a bar across the Square. Wanna get shitfaced?” Ray seemed to consider the proposition for a moment before giving a quick nod. He lifted the Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle from his lap, handed them to the Princess, and exited the building alongside his friend. The seven ponies gawked as the two creatures left.

Rainbow was the first to recover.

“What the hay just happened?"