Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead and defeated. No, I simply rest. Sure, that damnable hobbit destroyed the ring, effectively ending my presence on middle-earth, but I am not dead. You see, I had anticipated that someone MIGHT destroy me, but I never actually thought that it would happen. But, just in case, I had a contingency plan. I would become insubstantial, while the fool was wrestling with himself, leave a rather convincing illusion to take the rap, and exit this plane of existence through a portal to another dimension. Yeah, you heard that right. A portal to another dimension. The one problem was that I had no clue as to where the portal would lead. So I go through the extremely evil portal, and what happens? I get shot with a rainbow. And not one of those pathetic light-refracted rainbows that I tried to get rid of, I’m talking giant laser beam rainbow. Ever been burned, frozen, electrocuted, melted, poisoned, and otherwise picassoed, all at the same time? Yeah, of course you haven’t. well, a long story short, I got turned to stone. It sucked. Big-time. And I’m fully aware while this is happening. I can see them pulling my stoned body, and using it as a lawn ornament in a kings garden or something. Oh and as far as I can tell, I am in a world entirely inhabited by talking ponies. I can hardly believe it. The more I sit as a statue, the more I hate this place. Luckily I was in an awesome pose when I came out of the portal. With my sword aiming to the sky, and my left hand holding my ring (more on that later) I looked bitchin’. And another silver lining of the petrification, I could steadily feel myself grow more powerful. I sat in that awesome pose for 1000 years. It was altogether agonizing.
It was exactly 997 years since my incarceration, and I wanted out. It had stopped being agonizing and started being boring. The only thing I could do was think up plans. I had about 100 of them so far. It would be good times for me when I got out of this fucking stone statue.
“What’s this one, Miss Cherilee?” I looked down in my somewhat limited field of vision, and saw what appeared to be a class field trip.
“This one represents pure, unconditional victory. The sword is in the sky to represent lordship over all foes, and it is looking forward so as to show that to truly be the victor, one must always look to the future.” Huh, I didn’t know that I was so full of metaphors. A thousand years, and a lot of crazy things happen. Those stupid kids ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’ like I was something important. I wasn’t. Yet.
“Well I think it is possibly hideous, I mean look at it. What is it a monkey?” a little pink one with a tattoo of a tiara on her butt commented. Another grey one with a silver spoon on her butt laughed. Obviously a lackey. I would shove my fist up their asses, and pull them inside out. As I said, it was going to be fun times when I got out. Not for them, but what are you gonna do, right?
“All right class, let’s move on. This one is called discord…” I tuned it out right about then. I hate that piece of shit. As far as I can gather, he was the reason I got in this situation in the first place. Wrong place wrong time scenario, but I digress. I hated that pompous chaos aspect. Sure, I could use a powerful ally like that, but I have found that discord might have a slight moral compass, and we can’t have that. God forbid, what would happen if he fell in love?! That would be disastrous- what’s that? Did I hear a cracking sound? From discords statue?! Is that buffoon really about to- no! I cannot allow it! Grahh! I watched helplessly as the cracks grew and grew and, just as I had predicted, the statue exploded, and there stood that disgusting abomination of life that was discord. Again, he was perfect for one of my lieutenants. He looked around and laughed.
“Ahh it is good to be back.” He stretched and yawned. “Time to wreck some stuff.” And with that, he disappeared in a flash that smelled faintly of elderberries. I was forced to watch as utter silliness was erupted all across… whatever horrible country I was in. if I had the powers that discord had I would have turned whoever ruled here into a rabbit! And then I would have totally remade this pathetic castle. To white, to lovable, and to… earthly. A castle should look like it wasn’t supposed to be there, not like it was part of the mountain. I know, I know that my castle was called the ‘mountain of mordor’, and all that, but I’m not being hypocritical. My castle was obviously not supposed to be there. But enough about that. I had a pretty good view of discord getting his ass handed to him by 6 multicolored ponies. Hmmm, I suppose I could use some more nazguls on my side. They seem corruptible. Or maybe I’m making a huge mistake. Who knows? Aaaaaand boom- headshot. Right with the rainbow beam. Back to the statue. I was going to have to avoid that thing if I wanted to rule. It seemed pretty effective. Discord had a pretty good idea, what with changing the fundamental plot points of those bearers of the elements of harmony, or whatever they are. The only problem was that he stopped half way. If you’re going to change some one, you’ve got to erase their memories of their old life. Make them feel as if they have served you for as long as they could remember. Sure, not completely foolproof, but it’ll float. Something tells me that I would be getting out of here soon enough.
3 years later, approximately, two months after the tirek incident
I felt the stone sealing my power, now at full capacity, was starting to weaken. I watched as there was an invasion of hideous black things that lived off love (they didn’t even come near me, ha!). I watched as black vines starting from a forest near where the town where discord got whooped almost cover everything and cause utter chaos, not discord silliness chaos, i'm talking honest, make everything horrible, chaos. and I watched as a massive centaur thing took over the world. It was actually quite funny. Luckily I masked my power enough so that I looked like nothing more than a statue to that power guzzling nincompoop. It was finally time. Time for me escape this pathetic entrapment. The stone was no match for my pure and awesome power. It crumbled like dried up mud.
You know what it feels like when you just wake up from a really good sleep? Magnify it by 365242. Yeah, my joints, though animated by pure dark magic, felt like shit. I spent about 2 hours remembering how to move. When I finally got it down, I went insubstantial and scoped out the castle. Normally, I would have a minion do this, but where do you see an uruk-hai scout? Yeah I thought so. I went up to the thing, and was pleasantly surprised to see that there was, like, 4 guards, patrolling the perimeter. It was just embarrassing. I didn’t even bother with them. I made my way through the halls of whatever castle this was called, and slowly, ever so slowly, managed to find my way to the throne room. On the other side I could hear what sounded like a party.
I substantiated myself in all my evil glory, and, with a lot of gusto, opened the doors to the throne room. I instantly felt a hundred pairs of eyes on me. I walked forward and the pony creatures parted down the middle to let me pass. I reached the throne and saw 4 differently sized ponies, this time with horns and wings. They sickened me. They looked upon me with different reactions. The large white one on the middle had a look of stoic-ness on her horsey face. The black-ish blue one on the right had a look of anger, possibly for disrupting whatever silly festival this was. The purple one on the left, the smallest one, had a quizzical face on, like she wanted to cut me open and see what made me tic. And the last one, the pink one on the far left, had a look of utter fear in her eyes. She looked like she was trying to stay calm, but her eyes betrayed her. I was about to speak up when a blue blur smashed my side and sent me hurtling towards the window. I almost crashed through it. I righted myself and looked upon the creature who dared stop me from conversing with whatever creature this was. It was one of those things that had wings. It had rainbow hair and tail, and a look of utter disdain on her face.
“Who are you!?” I got up and unsheathed my sword. I let the tip scrape the ground and I let off as much miasma as I could.
“I. am. SAURON!”