Discord's Guide to Causing Chaos

by Writagon

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Discord, Sex, Main 6
Length: 1871

A compilation of creative chaos as written by Discord

A compilation of creative chaos as written by Discord. The different chapters will be quite random and probably won't fit into one contiguous storyline. So quite simply this is an assembly of chaos into organized chapters courtesy of Discord.

Authors Note: Those cautious about the Teen and Sex tag need only slightly worry as it will only apply to the first chapter. There isn't technically any sex going on but, well, you'll see.

Cover art by: Empress Kimba

Published 2014-08-22 01:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-22 01:40:02 UTC

Chapter 1: Making Assumptions

Well hello there! Welcome dear reader, now you might be thinking to yourself. “Just how is this guide going to make sense?” Well, haha hah it doesn’t! I bet you thought you would be reading something with instructions and pictures. Well now, I can't go giving all of my secrets away you know, what fun would it be if I were predictable? I would be Princess Celestia then that's what aha haha! Now that we've gotten that out of the way lets get down to the real fun shall we?

Ahem, our first little chapter begins in the town of Ponyville, what an original place to start am I right? Hehe! Anyway, so our little friend Twilight Sparkle decides to pay a visit to her good friends Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie; lets watch shall we?

Twilight Sparkle knocks on the door of the Sugarcube Corner with her hoof; the usually open shop was closed today oddly enough. Twilight hears an odd noise coming from behind door, so she decides to place her ear against it.

“I want to come inside Rainbow Dash!” shouted Pinkie Pie, followed by the sounds of banging noises from inside the shop.

Confused, Twilight Sparkle continues to listen to what's going on in the shop.

“Ugh,” Rainbow Dash moaned “Hurry up and do it already!” said Rainbow Dash annoyed.

"Oh Dashie, I've been waiting for so long to do this," said Pinkie Pie happily.

Twilight Sparkle decided to open up the door and look inside only to see Pinkie Pie going into the bathroom as Rainbow Dash was leaving it.

“Oh hey Twilight, Pinkie needed to use the bathroom.but I was busy styling my mane, got to keep it down to fly straight you know?” said Rainbow Dash smiling at Twilight.

Twilight Sparkle laughed nervously “Oh of course, aerodynamics,” said Twilight with a smile.

“Uh sure whatever, but hey do you want to taste my juices?” asked Rainbow Dash with enthusiasm.

Twilight blinked confused “Uh…” she said unsure of how to respond.

“Come on I made them myself!” said Rainbow Dash turning to point a hoof to an assortment of juice that was on the table.

“Oh! Well, sure Rainbow,” said Twilight giving her a smile and moving to sit at the table. She picks up one of the cups with her unicorn magic and takes a drink.

“Oh hey! You know what would go great with tasting Dashie’s juices? Eating my pie!” said Pinkie Pie enthusiastically.

Twilight coughed as she heard Pinkie Pie spitting out some of the juice she was drinking in the process. “What?!” said Twilight with surprise.

Pinkie Pie brought out a freshly baked pie and sat it on the table. “What? You didn't think I could only make cake did you?” said Pinkie Pie looking curiously at Twilight.

Twilight shook her head looking embarrassed “Oh no, of course not Pinkie. You just surprised me is all,” said Twilight with a nervous laugh. Pinkie Pie cutout three pieces of the pie and served it to Rainbow, Twilight and then herself. Twilight lifted a fork up with her magic to get a bite of her slice pie, putting it in her mouth.

“Great idea Pinkie, maybe after we eat your pie we can all do some scissoring,” said Rainbow Dash nonchalantly with a smile.

Twilight nearly choked on Pinkie’s pie having to drink down Rainbow’s juice to clear her throat.

“But how do we will handle them with hooves?” questioned Pinkie pie picking up a pair of scissors clumsily with her hooves.

Rainbow shrugged and ate some more of her pie “Wow Pinkie, your pie sure is moist!” said Rainbow licking her lips afterwards.

“Thanks Dashie, I made sure to put in a lot of my juice. I hope you two enjoy eating it,” said Pinkie Pie smiling.

“Of course! It’s good to try something different other than AJ’s pie. Apple taste does get boring after awhile,” said Rainbow with a giggle.

Twilight was busy eating the remainder of the pie on her plate trying to think of something to say. “So, how is the Apple family doing Rainbow?” asked Twilight.

“I don't know the usual I guess. Oh! Did you see the size of Big Mac’s package?” asked Rainbow.

“Yeah! It sure was huge!” said Pinkie Pie.

“Uh…?” said Twilight cautiously.

“The mailmare delivered this huge package Twilight you should have seen it!” replied Pinkie excitedly.

“Maybe he will take it out and show it to us,” said Rainbow smiling.

Twilight finally spoke up again “Maybe it was some new tool for the barn?” suggested Twilight.

“Probably, he’s always doing some sort of banging in there,” said Rainbow.

“With how much he uses his tool it’s no wonder!” replied Pinkie.

“Ugh, work; how boring,” said Rainbow rolling her eyes.

Twilight cleared her throat “Uh, well how about the crusaders? I haven’t talked to them in a while,” said Twilight standing up from the table.

“We can go talk to them if you want Twilight. I'm sure they’re off tunnel exploring or something though,” said Rainbow with a giggle.

“Or maybe they’re practicing their scissoring together?” suggested Pinkie Pie attempting to pick up a pair of scissors again with her hooves. “Shoot! This would be so much easier for a unicorn,” said Pinkie frustratedly.

Twilight forced a laugh and started to trot to lead them towards the crusader clubhouse “Well they are three active girls, who knows what they’re doing,” said Twilight.

Rainbow and Pinkie followed behind Twilight trotting at a steady pace, the three of them leaving Sugarcube Corner.

“Yeah, those three do love some action. I bet Big Mac’s got them to handle his junk,” suggested Rainbow.

“Well, knowing how dirty his junk gets they’re probably cleaning it off,” said Pinkie Pie.

“Cleaning his junk…?” asked Twilight tentatively.

Rainbow giggled “I doubt they’ll get a cutie mark for cleaning up some old dusty stuff,” said Rainbow.

“Oh right, I think they’ll try just about anything once; those three would bend over backwards if it got them a cutie mark,” said Twilight with a giggle.

It didn't take much longer before Twilight, Pinkie and Rainbow finally made it to the crusader's clubhouse. Once there Twilight went to knock at the door before she heard voices shouting from inside.

“Ugh!” Sweetie Belle shouted in frustration.

“Come on thrust it in harder!” shouted Scootaloo.

“I'm trying; it won't fit!” exclaimed Apple Bloom.

“Try harder then! Just push it in the hole Apple Bloom,” said Scootaloo encouragingly.

“Oh yeah! That's the spot!” said Sweetie Belle excitedly.

"Sure sounds like they're practicing their scissoring!" said Pinkie Pie.

Twilight tentatively opened up the door peering in the clubhouse. “Girls…what are you doing?” she asked.

She saw the three crusaders were building a hang glider together. “Oh hey Twilight, Pinkie and Rainbow Dash! We were just building this awesome hang glider!” said Scootaloo excitedly.

“That is pretty awesome, but you know you can always ride me Scootaloo,” said Rainbow with a smile.

“Wow! Can I really ride you Rainbow Dash? I bet that will feel awesome!” said Scootaloo fluttering her wings with excitement.

“You know it! I'm not going to know if you fall off, so make sure you don't squirt," said Rainbow laughing playfully.

Twilight laughed nervously “Uh yeah flying, so were you girls helping out Big Mac earlier?” asked Twilight hoping to change the subject.

“Yeah, we did! Big Mac wanted his staff polished,” said Apple Bloom

“It was pretty hard, and his wood was a pain to clean!” replied Scootaloo with some frustration.

“I could barely fit my hooves around it!” said Sweetie Belle spreading her hooves apart as far as she could reach.

“What?!” said Twilight with surprise.

“You know, the big stick that he uses for poking holes in the ground to plant seeds. That thing gets pretty dirty,” said Apple Bloom.

"Oh...heheh right, so what else did you three do?" questioned Twilight, who forced a smile.

"Well, we washed his balls too," said Scootaloo.

"Yeah, he likes them to be spit shined," added Apple Bloom

"Uh...?" said Twilight confusedly.

"It's a pain to wash balls with your hooves. Those bocce balls of his are slippery when wet," said Sweetie Belle. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle both nodding their heads in agreement.

"Is that like croquet?" questioned Twilight.

"I like crochet!" added Pinkie Pie with a smile.

"Well, the balls are similar, except you don't hit them with a mallet. Its hard enough to handle balls with your hooves let alone hold some lengthy wood in your mouth," said Apple Bloom.

“Uh huh...well I think I’ll go pay a visit to Applejack and Big Mac and see just what you all were really doing. Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, why don't you two stay here and help the crusaders finish building their hang glider?” suggested Twilight.

“Yeah sure, whatever, I don't mind hanging out,” said Rainbow with a giggle.

“I brought some scissors! Who wants to practice their scissoring!?” said Pinkie with a smile plopping a pile of scissors on the clubhouse floor.

“I do!” replied Scootaloo excitedly.

“How did you even bring those here?” asked Sweetie Belle confused.

“She’s Pinkie Pie remember?” replied Apple Bloom.

“Be careful with those things, and have fun with the hang glider!” said Twilight waving a hoof as she left the tree house. Twilight went down the path heading to the Apple’s barn until she got to the barn doors knocking on them with a hoof. Twilight waited patiently for Applejack or Big Mac to come to the door to answer it, but no one came. Twilight rolled her eyes and placed her ear on the barn door listening carefully for any noise coming from inside.

“Shoowee! You sure do know how to handle a girls undercarriage Big Mac,” said Applejack happily.

“Eeyup,” replied Big Mac making unusual grunting noises in the barn.

Twilight shook her head in disbelief to what she was hearing, she was probably just making assumptions again.

“Give that knob here, and I’ll give it a good polishing big brother. A nice stroking ought to do it,” said Applejack.

“Eeyup sure would,” replied Big Mac again.

“They aren’t doing what I think they are..right?” asked Twilight quietly to herself.

“Now hop up and take that big rod of yours and stick it inside,” said Applejack with enthusiasm.

“Like this?” asked Big Mac followed by making audible grunting noises.

“Oh yeah, that's the spot!” replied Applejack happily.

Twilight grumbled and pushed the barn door open “Alright! I’ve just about had enough of…” shouted Twilight before she stopped dead in her tracks. The attention of both Big Mac and Applejack who was under him were staring red-faced at Twilight. Twilight was so shocked and surprised her face became such a combination of red and blue that her entire face turned a new color of purple. Twilight then passed out and collapsed in the doorway to the barn.

Aha haha! I bet you didn’t see that one coming now did you? Just imagine this is only the beginning to my handy little guide here. I'm sure you're curious to read what I have planned next, by all means don't let me stop you.