Cheese Sandwich Bitch Slaps Colgate with His Accordion

by Silverlinings

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Cheese Sandwich, Comedy, Random
Length: 1019

Cheese Sandwich needs to go to the dentist, but he's unhappy with his check up results.

Cheese Sandwich, the generally happy-go-lucky vagrant needs to go to the dentist, like every other pony. However, he and his dentist don't see eye to eye.

Published 2014-10-27 15:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-27 15:40:03 UTC

What was that about my teeth, bitch?

Cheese Sandwich sat, uncomfortably in the dental chair. He hated going to the dentist. He hated sitting in the small waiting room, that was full of outdated 'Ponies' and 'The Equiner' magazines*, along with that one issue of 'Play Pony' that some pony completely raped with at least five bottles of white out to cover all of the pictures. Why the hell was that even there? No pony buys 'Play Pony' for the articles. No pony! But what Cheese Sandwich hated the most was the god. Damned. Smell. That overbearing fluoride smell made Cheese Sandwich wanna cut a bitch. As a matter of fact, the dentist's was the only place in the whole universe that made Cheese Sandwich unhappy. While it's true he usually had to toke the shit out of his brain to get in a good enough mood to perform in public, he at least never frowned anywhere else. But the dentist's office was unbearable. To top it all off, he and his dentist were never on the same page. Minuette, or 'Colgate' as she liked to be called, was always ragging on him for eating so much candy. He's a fucking party pony! What else is he supposed to eat?! However, Colgate never saw it his way. At this point, he just didn't give a damn about what she said.

Cheese Sandwich sat waiting for Colgate to return with his x-rays, bored out of his mind. After a while, the blue mare returned with a frown on her face. Just what Cheese Sandwich was expecting.

He sighed, "Alright, Col. What's wrong with my mouth this time?"

"Well," Colgate looked down at the yellow pony's x-rays, "You have twelve cavities, five of which are new; all of your other teeth are on cavity watch; and you have severe gum disease." She looked up from her charts, a placid look on her face.

Cheese Sandwich blinked, a look of surprise on his face. "K... What d'you want to do to my teeth? Cleaning? Filling?" This was weird; why wasn't Colgate telling him off?

"Actually, Cheese," Colgate flipped the x-rays out of the way and looked at a sheet of paper that was underneath them, "Your teeth are so awful, I say we save each other the headache, and just get you a pair of dentures."

"Wait! A pair of what?" Cheese Sandwich sat up in his chair while glaring at the dentist.

"Well Cheese, you obviously don't want to take care of your teeth, so why should you have a real set?" The blue mare pulled out a syringe, full of Novocaine. As she turned to face Cheese Sandwich, the syringe was hit at lightning speeds and it shattered, leaving glass and Novocaine on the floor. "What the hell? Cheese, did you just-?"

The yellow stallion sat in the dental chair, his hat now on his head, his accordion in hand. "Don't. Even. Think about it," He said, gruffly.

"Come on Cheese Sandwich, be reasonab-" Colgate started to say, before a quick, stinging sensation met her right cheek. She rubbed her cheek and stared, aghast at the stallion. "Did you just slap me?!"

"Eyup," Cheese Sandwich admitted. Without looking up, he flicked his left hoof and released the right side of his accordion, shooting it across the room and slamming the door, before it returned to his hand.

"Come on, Cheese," Colgate pleaded as she tried to get closer with a second syringe, "It's for your own good."

"Try it, bitch," Cheese Sandwich said coldly, preparing to strike again. "I double dare ya." She did, and the needle was smacked out of the air yet again by Cheese's instrument.

Instead of getting angry, Colgate simply sighed and turned around to grab another syringe. Right as she grabbed a new one, she felt a strike to her flank which caused her to 'eep' and drop the needle. She turned around, blushing, "Did you... did you just slap my ass?!"

"Nope. I spanked you with my accordion," Cheese Sandwich corrected, keeping his grizzled demeanor, "What're you gonna do about it?"

The blue unicorn with a newfound anger focused her magic and raised all of the Novocaine syringes she had left and pointed them at her target: Cheese Sandwich.

The yellow stallion took a deep breath, ready for the onslaught. As they began whizzing, one after another towards his mouth, he shot them out of the air using his accordion marksmanship skill, the sounds of breaking glass filling the room and echoing down the halls of the building..

"Dammit, Cheese Sandwich! Those teeth need to come out! Now get over here, and sit the fuck down!" Colgate yelled from inside her office. There was a loud crash and some pony screamed. Meanwhile, in the waiting room, the only patient in wait, which was the smallest and most adorable of fillies, was terrified at the sounds coming from the dentist's office and would need therapy for months.

Colgate stood, triumphantly. "You have nowhere to run now!" She cried as she stared, with blood shot eyes and frizzled mane, at the now cornered Cheese Sandwich.

"Not entirely..." he replied.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

Without saying a word, Cheese Sandwich jumped out of the window, sending shards of glass everywhere. "Freedom!" He cried, "Sweet freedom!"

"Dammit!" Colgate cried as she stared out the window at the runaway stallion. Knowing it was too late to do anything, she sighed and decided to just let him go.

She walked down the hall to the waiting room and upon arrival, asked with a gritted smile, blood shot eyes, and messed up mane, "Next?"

Author's Note

*Parodies of 'People' and 'The enquirer' magazines.

Thanks to Shardz for Editing.
So I've been meaning to write this for like a month and a half but only got around to writing it recently. Like, I wrote all this in one night, while reeeeaaaaally sleep deprived. Like I've been up for... 30 something hours while on like 4 hours of sleep prior. Bad idea. Please tell me whatcha thought.