In which I push the boundaries of good taste
The room falls completely silent. At first, they think I'm kidding, but as the seconds pass, I can see the pieces falling together. They're trying to be polite, I'll give them that much, but I can see the corners of their mouths twist in disgust. I thought I could count on them to understand—they are my closest friends, after all. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe this is too much to ask, even from them. Maybe this is a mistake.
Rarity's the first to speak. "Er, you're a what?"
I can't take it back. Not now. If I said it was a joke, they'd get even more suspicious. Well, maybe they wouldn't. Maybe I could still change my mind and save myself. But I'm not going to do that. I can't. I've lied for far too long, and I need to finally come out and say it.
"I'm a zoophile," I repeat. "I'm… I'm sexually attracted to animals."
They can't take it. I can see it on their faces. They aren't just disgusted. They look hurt, betrayed. This was a mistake, I knew it. They had the best intentions, but I should never have listened to them. They told me to be assertive and embrace myself, but could they have imagined this is what I was? I can see from their faces that now, I'm scum, and it's because I was assertive, because I embraced myself. Will they be able to look at me the same again? I doubt it. I've probably stained every good memory they had of me, and for what? A pittance. The tiniest peace of mind.
"Are you sure?" Applejack says.
Of course I'm sure. When I fell from the sky, and got my first glimpse of life on the land, I found a missing piece of myself. Around those animals, I felt like I belonged, far more than I did at home. The feeling was so powerful that I abandoned Cloudsdale within the month. My connections to ponies felt so fleeting and inconsequential that it was hardly a choice. I viewed people as animals, and animals as people, and if that view occasionally became so intense it was sexual, so what? It wasn't strange at all. It was the most natural thing in the world. Nothing gave me that idea. I was drawn to it, because that's where my heart lied, and that's where it always will lie. That's my curse. "Yes, I'm sure."
Rainbow Dash looks down, her eyes filled with melancholy. She looks the most hurt. "How long?" she asks. "How long have you known?"
"I only discovered the term recently," I say. "But I've known for quite a while."
"I see." She looks at me. "Why'd you never tell me? You do trust me, right?"
"I'm sorry!" I blurt out. "I've never trusted anyone about this, not even myself. The few times I've… I've given into…"
Applejack's head jerks up. "Wait, don't tell me you've actually slept with some of your critters!"
I blush, even though I probably shouldn't. "It's happened… occasionally. Once or twice. Things… escalated, and…"
The mood somehow becomes even more uncomfortable. Everyone's faces turn red in varying levels of embarrassment. I should've seen this coming.
"Fluttershy," Applejack says, slowly and deliberately, "animals can't give consent. Don't you know that?"
"Applejack, you know that isn't true!" I say, desperate. "You work on a farm. You pay attention to your animals. Haven't you ever had some express… extra attraction to you?"
"That doesn't mean I have to return it!"
"Have to? Of course not! But you can," I say. "And when you do… those feelings can go both ways."
"Not for me it can't!" she yells. "Maybe… maybe there can be some physical desire, but it's not like what people feel! There's no relationship, no deep connection, so… "
"So what?" Rainbow Dash glares at Applejack. "What are you implying?"
Applejack is silent.
"Are you saying Fluttershy doesn't care if animals have feelings? Are you saying she's using them like sex toys?"
The room stops. Rainbow Dash lets out a nervous laugh. "No wonder she never trusted anyone," she says. "Don't you have more faith in her than that?"
"Rainbow Dash," Applejack says, "she's abusing animals!"
"I am not!" I yell.
"Then what are you doing!?" Applejack says. "Just how many of those animals actually wanted to have sex with you!?"
"It was only twice!" I look down. "And they… they started it." I take a breath. "I would never do it otherwise. I know some people do. I know some people will drug them, tie them down, whatever it takes to fill their sick lust, but not me!" I pause, unable to keep my breath from quavering. "I hate them." I can't keep myself composed. Tears rolls down. "I hate them."
Rainbow Dash grasps me, and I let out a few pained sobs.
Applejack tries to reach over. "Fluttershy, I—"
"Don't," Rainbow Dash says, livid. "Don't ever lump her in with people like that again. You hear me!?"
Applejack opens her mouth, trying to think of something else to say, but decides against it. She quickly stands up and walks out, quietly closing the door behind her.
Minutes pass, and the room is filled with nothing but the most uncomfortable silence. "I'm… I'm not like that, am I?" I say.
"What!? Don't be ridiculous," Rainbow Dash says.
"But… I'm scared," I say. "How close could I have been to becoming that? If my life was just a little different… if I had never met you all… could I be out there doing Celestia knows what…?"
With little warning, Pinkie Pie's in my face. "Fluttershy, how could you think that?" she says. "You're the nicest pony I know! You'd never be like that!"
"Good people don't think those kind of thoughts," I say. "They don't look at animals and think of sex. They just don't."
Pinkie Pie looks into my eyes. "You do. You're a good person. That's enough for me."
"Besides, it doesn't matter what you think," Twilight says. "What matters is what you do."
I look at them. "This… really doesn't change how you think about me?"
Pinkie Pie rubs the back of her neck, embarrassed. "Not really," she says. "You know, I thought everyone already knew."
Rainbow Dash looks shocked. "What? Seriously?"
Pinkie Pie tries not to make eye contact with me. "No offense, Fluttershy, but you kinda zone out around your animals a lot. Especially when they're big and strong and you've got a good view of their backside," she says. "I've teased you about it a couple times, but I don't think you noticed."
I tense. Am I really that obvious? I never even noticed myself doing those things.
"I mean, I didn't care," Pinkie Pie says, backtracking. "I figured it worked like any other orientation. Just because you were different than me didn't mean you were a sex offender. You'd have to be pretty screwed up to sleep with our pets or anything, so I figured you weren't." She looks at the door. "I didn't even know anyone had a real problem with it until Applejack freaked out right now."
I look down. "Applejack…"
Twilight puts a hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry," she says. "I'm sure Applejack will come around eventually. It's just… this is kind of shocking, you know? She just needs some space."
I hope she's right.
"I agree. Try not to take it personally. Applejack can be… a tad impulsive," Rarity says. "When I first heard the news, I wasn't quite sure how to react either. If I had trusted my gut, I might have said something similar. But I didn't—I held my tongue until I knew everything. And I'm glad I did, because as you defended yourself, I realized this didn't change a thing. You're still you, Fluttershy, and you wouldn't hurt a fly. That's all that matters."
"Th-Thanks," I get out.
"You might want to continue to be discreet about it, though," Rarity adds. "If the wrong people found out, things might become… unpleasant."
I look down. "So I have to keep hiding?"
Rainbow Dash scoffs. "Of course!" she says. "If this got out, just imagine what the rich bimbos would think."
Rarity glares at her. "What kind of person do you think I am, Rainbow Dash? I'm not going to stop associating with one of my friends just because high society tells me to," she says. "Remember, I've turned down countless invitations to work from Canterlot, even though that would help my social status immensely."
Rainbow Dash winces.
"Besides, that wasn't exactly what I was getting at," Rarity says. "If Photo Finish found out about this, I'd probably have to physically restrain her from interviewing Fluttershy. She loves to push boundaries, that one, and she isn't alone. An opportunity like this, with one of the Elements? No one would be able to resist. Fluttershy would get an exclusive interview in Neigh York Magazine, easy. And after that? Who knows." Rarity looks at me. "I know how much you hated the pressure of being a model. Imagine what it would feel like to be the representative of an entire lifestyle."
I shudder. I hadn't even thought of that.
"If it helps, try not to think of it as hiding," Twilight says. "You don't need to tell everyone about this. There are plenty of culturally acceptable ways you can express your affection."
"Yeah! I mean, no one minds the way you love animals now. You don't need to change a thing!" Pinkie Pie says. "And your feelings towards them aren't always sexual, right?"
I nod.
"Well, that's a start," Twilight says. "Once you make it clear you don't abuse animals, you won't sleep with any that don't make advances on you, and you aren't attracted to all of them, there's surprisingly little to argue against. At least, if you ask me."
"Not to mention," Rarity says, "I think interspecies relationships are starting to become more acceptable. I once had a client who was engaged to a Diamond Dog, and she wasn't running into nearly as much bigotry as she thought she would."
"I forgot about that!" Twilight says, and turns to me. "Are you attracted to any of the other intelligent magical races? Like Diamond Dogs, Breezies, dragons, or Minotaurs?"
I blush at the mention of dragons. Honestly, they arouse me almost as much as they terrify me. "Dragons, maybe. They're quadrupeds, which helps. Not to mention, a large dragon overtaken by greed is practically feral…" I shake my head. "But of course actually doing anything with one is impossible and dangerous, so…"
"It's for fantasies only?" Rainbow Dash says, smirking.
"...y-yes," I admit, shrinking back. I thought those desires were the most depraved of them all, but everyone seems to be taking this better than the initial news.
"If you're attracted to other intelligent species, you might not be exclusively a zoophile," Twilight says. "And if you aren't exclusively a zoophile, I might have a trick up my sleeve to help you out."
Pinkie Pie is suddenly in her face. "What? What? What is it?"
"In a moment," Twilight says, politely pushing her away. "Now, you all have to promise not to tell anyone about this, okay? This information's going to be slowly released to the public over the next couple years, but for now it's confidential. I'm only telling you because I think it would be good for Fluttershy to hear this."
We all pantomime the Pinkie Promise routine, wondering what on earth Twilight's going to tell us.
After taking a deep breath, Twilight starts. "Since becoming princess, I've learned a few things," she says. "In particular, there are some… secrets Celestia and Luna don't let reach public ears. Don't get the wrong idea—they aren't terrible secrets. Just things that could be… controversial. That pose more of a risk to the princesses' veneer of respectability than anything else." She looks outside. "Both princesses want to slowly reveal those secrets to the public. They think society is ready. They're tired of being used as models for high society behavior they don't even agree with, and they're tired of the pressure of hiding that. That's one of the reasons I was made princess—they felt they needed someone with a different perspective to help make their regime more transparent."
Twilight looks at me. "Given the circumstances, I don't think Celestia would mind you knowing this." She pauses. "Tell me. Have you ever wondered how Equestria, a small, peaceful nation, has so consistently managed to keep dragons, who are aggressive, nomadic, and nearly impossible to control, from bothering us?"
"A display of strength?" Rainbow Dash guesses.
Twilight scoffs. "You could call it that."
Rarity's eyes widen. "Wait, you're not suggesting—"
"I am," Twilight says. "Back in the earliest days of Equestria, Celestia had to negotiate with the dragons so that they'd recognize our country. It wasn't easy. We had so many natural resources they were after, and they had no hierarchical government, just a bunch of nomadic tribes. Everything seemed hopeless. But then, something happened. Celestia had been meeting one of the dragons in secret, and one night, at the darkest hour, she ended up making love to him." She smiles. "Strangely enough, it turned out to be what turned the tables. Until then, no one, not a single person from any other species had successfully consummated their love with a dragon. It was the only thing that sufficiently impressed the tribes to listen to her. It's probably the only reason they honor her requests to this day."
Rainbow Dash's jaw hangs open. "You mean Celestia sold her body for negotiations!?"
Twilight shakes her head. "No, that's not it at all," she says. "In fact, she was sure it would hurt her cause, and did everything she could to hide it. I mean, we still don't know about it, right? And, when she told me about it, the look in her eyes…" She looks at me. "She was in love, Fluttershy. Do you realize what that means? "
My eyes widen. "It can't be…"
"It is! If you're attracted to things completely different from ponies, don't beat yourself up about it, because so is Celestia!" Twilight says. "And if she hadn't succumbed to temptation, hadn't given into that night of supposed depraved passion, we wouldn't be here! There's nothing to be ashamed about! Nothing at all!"
Everyone blushes. I'm a bit past that. I don't think anything could have aroused me as much as what Twilight said right now. Picturing Celestia meeting up with that dragon in the heat of the night, coquettishly nuzzling against him, the mood subtly becoming more steamy as they give into their deepest desires, one by one…
I stand up. It's too much. In the span of a few seconds, I've gained more hope than I ever expected to get in a lifetime, and it came in the form of a waking wet dream. Because if Celestia's done it, then that means… that means…
"I'm… I'm not…" I stammer, before looking away. "I'm sorry, I have to…"
I run out before I can see anyone's reactions. The feelings coursing through me are unlike anything I've ever felt before.
Because finally, finally, I feel like I'm not scum.
And I don't know what that means.
