F***ity Hi
Princess Celestia was out of options. The changeling army was coming, and they would soon be bursting through the golden gates of her castle to claim Canterlot as their own.
Not if she could help it.
She'd gathered the four Alicorn Princesses to plan a defensive strategy. They needed a way to stop the changelings, and they needed it now. It was Twilight who had ultimately developed a solution, suprise suprise. She'd heard stories of something called... "man" from one Ponyville's residents. He had said that there existed a "man" called "The Doctor" who would swoop in from the sky and save the day like a hero. She then had him institutionalized, but Twilight was desperate, so she considered it as good a solution as any.
It was quite convenient that she had access to a reality warping being of myth who was more than capable of summoning such a hero to Equestria in their time of need. You'd think powers such as that would make it impossible for anypony to threaten Equestria anyway, what with Disord being able to simply 'poof' them away. It was a mystery Twilight attempted to get to the bottom of once.
"Discord, why don't you just magic the changelings away?"
"Quiet you."
And that was that.
The four Princesses, the Elements of Harmony, Discord, and Shining Armor for some reason, we're all gathered within the castle throne room, standing around a pentagram Discord had burned into the carpet. Celestia found it to be quite peculiar. "Discord, was it really necessary to burn the floor," she asked.
"Of course! Desperate times, Princess!" He boomed, summoning an altar as if he was conducting a sermon. "Now, I summon this Doctor person yada yada yada," he rambled on as his audience stood confused. Ringing then started to originate from his chest, which he promptly opened to reveal a phone, much to the group's shock.
"Hello?" he asked into the phone, occasionally nodding his head. He then turned back to the group. "I've got a connection, but he demands we sacrifice a virgin."
After a collective gasp of horror, Celestia responded. "Discord..." she growed.
With a shrug, Discord attempted to negotiate further. "Er, sorry. No can do. Yes I know, they're being difficult... Okay, just a moment." Lowering the phone once more, he turned back towards everypony. "Who's the youngest?" he asked quizzically.
"We are not performing a sacrifice, Discord! Just bring him here, we don't have much time!" Celestia yelled in annoyance.
"Fine fine fine," Discord groaned. "Please hold," he said into the phone, before clicking his fingers to initiate his magic.
"Are we sure this is a good ide-" Applejack began before a swirling vortex started to emanate from the centre of the pentagram. The wind too loud to speak over. After several moments the storm started to die down, and the group turned to look at the centre of the pentagram. Before everting their eyes again.
In the centre sat an old man on a toilet. A phone held up to his ear. "Fuck off," he said into the phone, hanging it up. Causing the phone in Discord's hand to explode. The man then stood up, pulling up his suit trousers and flushing the toilet, the water pooling on the floor on account of there being no pipes connected to it.
"What the fucks all this then?" he asked politely, his arms held out in empathise.
Celestia took that moment to step forward, smiling sincerely. It seemed that their saviour had arrived. "Greetings. We would like to welcome you to Equestria, my name is-"
"Oh fan-fucking-tastic. I'm in one of Ollie's peado fucking fantasties," he groaned. He began to strut around the room. "He probably slipped something in my coffee, the fucking cheeky cunt."
The group, bar Discord and Shining because they're manly men, grew uncomfortable due to his language. Celestia halted them from interrupting however, not wanting to accidentally offend their guest. It may be a custom of his culture to speak as he did.
"Excuse me, Sir?" Celestia began, drawing the strange man's attention. "We understand you're a doctor of some kind?" she asked with enthusiasm, hoping to prompt the man into assisting them.
He gave a smile. "Of course I'm a doctor, I'll perform a colonoscopy on your fucking face if you're up to it, my treat!"
Celestia grimaced. "Listen I'm not sure that would be very-"
"No you listen Sweetheart!" He yelled, catching the group off guard. "I have a lot of shit to deal with, if I'm going to be spending my afternoon tripping balls you best believe that I'm going to be the one giving the bloody orders!"
Applejack couldn't prevent herself from whispering to Twilight at her side. "Are you sure this is the right guy, he don't seem like no doctor to me."
"You!" He screamed, pointing to the confused Applejack who simply monitored to herself. "Yes you, you inbred fuck!" he poetically continued. "I'm Malcolm Fucking Tucker, you don't fucking speak unless Malcolm tells you to, comprende?"
"Now that is quite enough," interrupted Luna, walking into Malcolm's view. He made a concise and convincing counter argument.
"Oh fuck you Uncle Fester!" he sang, prompting Luna to run away crying.
Celestia tried to restore order. "Now there's no need to fight, I'm sure we can be civil about all this."
Malcolm agreed. "Yes, true true. You there!" He monitored to Twilight. "Harry Potter's wet dream, what the hell is going on?"
After getting over the unusual term she'd been referred to as, she decided to explain. "Yes well, you see there's an army about to attack Canterlot, so we summed a great warrior, yourself, to help us!"
"A wise fucking choice deary," Malcolm announced, decided to enjoy the hallucination while he could, before having to return to the emancipating world of British politics. "You! Spunk twizzler!" he addressed Rarity. "Who do I have to fucking kill?" he questioned.
Rarity stammered. "Well I- I don't really think you'll have to kill anyone," she replied with uncertainty.
"Well who the hell cares what you think!" he said, before beginning to make his way to the entrance doors of the throne room.
He was unknowingly being followed by Rainbow Dash. "Hey!" she called. "There's no need to be such a jerk! We can send you back where you came from if you want!" she threatened. He turned his gaze to her, and took a look at her mane. Rainbow just waited for him to call her something vulgar.
"Now that's just embarrassing," he stated simply before going on his way.
Rainbow wasn't satisfied. "Hey! What gives? You called everypony else names!" she yelled. Before falling to the ground and cradling herself in idiocy.
Malcolm kept on walking, hoping to find a backdoor out of this hallucination. He stopped an orange guard with a blue mane while on his way. "You! You look fucking dodgy. Where's the nearest balcony, I'm going to fucking jump!"
Flash monitored in a direction. "That way but you can't go there! The changelings are here!"
"Well then you're a shit guard aren't you!"
After throwing Flash out a nearby window, Malcolm made his way onto the balcony where Queen Chrysalis and her army stood triumphant. "Make way strange creature, for the changelings are victorious! We will at last-"
"Oh shut your gob!" Malcolm groaned.
Chrysalis deadpanned. "I don't think you understand. We have-"
"I said shut the fuck up. What part of that was too difficult to comprehend?"
Chrysalis was annoyed. "How dare you interup-"
"I'll fucking belt you in a minute if you don't shut your fucking face. I'll stuff your greasy fucking head pubes down your neck! I'll get the rainbow haired fucks to fucking fiddle you!" Malcolm was an expert diplomat.
Chrysalis was more than a little uncomfortable now. "Celestia would never...!"
"You say one more god damn word without permission, and I will personally see to it that every single one of you Ridley Scott knockoffs gets your fucking wings ripped off! I'll ram your fucking horns up each others arses! It'll be like the fucking human centipede, except more sexually explicit! You massive. Pulsating. TWAT!"
"You know what..." Chrysalis began, steadily beginning to fly away. "Keep Canterlot, I don't need this in my life," was her final response before she flew away with her army.
Malcolm stood triumphantly in the sunlight, the birds sang, the wind blew and Canterlot began its new era of peace. It's guardian watching over constantly.
"Send him back send him back send him back."
"Do I have to?"
"Yes!"
With a sigh, Discord snapped his fingers, and Malcolm disappeared with a flash. Returning to a stall in the centre of London. "Well that was a nightmare and a half!" he said before hearing one last plop in the toilet bowl. He then stood up and returned to work without incident.
Meanwhile at Ponyville's psychiatric hospital
"I keep telling you! I'm a time traveler from the planet Gallifrey! My TARDIS needs me! There are Daleks under Ponyville and they'll win if you DON'T LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!"
From behind the one sided glass, the psychiatrist sighed sadly, turning to the blond maned mare at his side. "I'm sorry Ms. Hooves, but he just keeps getting worse..."
Derpy just nodded dejectedly, rubbing the tears from her eyes as she walked out the door. Alone in the world once again.
Author's Note
Well this was random, and in no way reflects my opinion of the characters.
