Stop The Derpy

by BronyWriter

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Doctor Whooves, Carrot Top, Comedy, Bon-Bon, Derpy Hooves, Lyra
Length: 4174

Lyra, Bon Bon, Carrot Top and Time Turner band together to stop Derpy and get the secrets in her coveted mail bag.

Curse that dratted mailmare!

Bon Bon makes candy. It's just in her nature. She's done it since she was very small. However, many of her usual customers are going to Canterlot, for Doughnut Joe has revealed new pastries and candies the likes of which Equestria has never seen. Bon Bon isn't happy about that, so when she discovers that the secret ingredients for Joe's candies are being transported from Ponyville by Derpy, she gathers some cohorts together to stop that Derpy!

Inspired by the old cartoon Dastardly and Muttley in their Flying Machines.

Find this story and more in a print copy! Just click these words here!

Published 2014-09-12 22:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-12 22:50:02 UTC

LYRAAAAA!!!

Bon Bon paced back and forth in her kitchen, a grin on her face that legally required her to have a handlebar mustache in some countries to fully pull it off. Soon victory would be hers, and the lost business that she had suffered in recent months would be regained! With her crew of experts, success was unavoidable.

Bon Bon stopped pacing and looked over at her kitchen table, at which sat three other ponies staring intently at her. Her smile faltered ever so slightly. So "experts" might be a bit of an exaggeration. A literal type might say "motley crew" or "whomever had answered the want ads she had put up in town square last week and her housemate." Bon Bon shook her head and took a deep breath. It didn't matter if her expectations hadn't quite been met. They had spunk, and that's what mattered.

"Mares and gentlecolt..." Bon Bon turned fully to face them, straightening up for the full effect. "We are about to undertake a most serious of missions, one that could change the fate of Equestria for decades to come!" Bon Bon paused for dramatic effect, and was delighted when she saw a spark of interest flare up inside the eyes of her compatriots. She resumed pacing back and forth, though this time she added more authority to it, like a general addressing her troops.

"Every other day, our trusty town mailmare Derpy Hooves makes a flight all the way to Canterlot to Doughnut Joe's shop, where she delivers the secret ingredients that are the cause of his new treats that have taken Equestria by storm! It's cutting into my business, and I won't stand for that!"

"So what are we gonna do?" Carrot Top muttered, looking at the floor nervously.

Bon Bon turned back to her underlings with a wicked gleam in her eye. "I'll tell you what we're going to do: we're going to stop that Derpy before she gets to Canterlot, and find out what she has in that mail bag of hers!"

"And then what?" Carrot Top questioned.

"Well I'm going to use it to make my candies better than ever, you numbskull!" Bon Bon snapped. "What else am I supposed to do with them?"

"Okay, BB. Whatever you say."

"Of course it is. Now..." Bon Bon walked over to the nearby window and looked out, staring at the clear blue sky as if expecting Derpy to fly by that very moment. "Derpy will be making her deliveries tomorrow at seven o' clock in the morning. I expect you all here at six to begin our preparations for the capture of her mail bag." She turned around and looked back at her crew, her grin having returned full force. "Until then, you are all dismissed!"

The three other ponies all exchanged glances and shrugged before standing up and walking towards the door. Bon Bon nodded in approval, certain that her plans would come to fruition and she would regain all of her old customers. Doughnut Joe's days as the hot-shot sweet maker in Equestria were over. Bon Bon giggled as she watched her minions file out of her house, but her giggling ceased just as quickly.

"Wha...? N-no! You're not dismissed, Lyra, you live here!"

* * * *

The next day saw the four conspirators standing at the outskirts of Ponyville next to a large wooden catapult. Bon Bon dropped the saddlebag she had brought to transport the ingredients, which also contained some truffles for Lyra if she did a good job at this, and walked around it, eying it critically. After a few times circling the contraption, she grunted and turned to her cohorts.

"I don't get it. It's a catapult, but what is the ammunition? How are we supposed to get Derpy this way? Are we going to dry fire at her and scare the bag away from her?"

Time Turner stepped forward and shook his head. "No, no." He pointed at the catapult. "We're gonna hop settle ha ha, then pull zoom and whizz!" Time Turner stomped on the ground with a smug smile on his face. "Boom snatch look!"

Bon Bon stared at Time Turner, her jaw dropped as her mind tried to comprehend what she heard. She blinked once, then looked over at Carrot Top. "What did he say? What did he say?"

Carrot Top took a half step forward, her ears flat. "He said 'We're gonna hop settle ha ha, then pull zoom and--'"

"No, no, no, you blathering moron!" Bon Bon cried, stomping on the ground as Lyra began giggling. "I meant in Equish we can all understand!"

"Oh..." Carrot Top motioned to the catapult. "Basically one of us is gonna go into the catapult, then once Derpy flies by, we're going to fire the catapult and the pony who gets fired is gonna catch her, and we're gonna get her bag that way."

"Is see." Bon Bon turned back to the catapult, and her evil grin returned in full force. "I like it! I like it! I can see no chance of failure! As such..." Bon Bon walked towards the catapult and stepped inside the bowl. "I will be the one to catch Derpy! I mean, I'm the one who needs the ingredients, after all."

"I'm not so sure about this, BB," Carrot Top muttered as the three of them walked over to their leader. "I mean, how are you going to land safely?"

"Oh don't bother me with trifles, Carrot Top. I'm going to get that bag, and that's all that matters!" Bon Bon looked out into the distance, and squinted when she saw a speck of gray appear on the horizon. "Wait..." She stood up in the basket. "Is that...?" The blob grew closer and took shape into the form of a familiar pony. Bon Bon gasped and pointed.

"It's her! It's Derpy! She's coming this way!" Bon Bon sat down in the basket and cracked her neck. "Now fire--"

What Bon Bon intended to say was "now fire on my command," but the enthusiasm of her minions meant that the moment that Lyra heard the word "fire," she ignited her horn and pulled the rope as hard as she could. Bon Bon screeched as the catapult flung her at speeds she didn't believe she would ever go. She tumbled head over hooves in midair, all thoughts of Derpy forgotten as her world turned upside-down.

"LYRAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA!" she screeched as the contents of her breakfast churned in her stomach like a high-powered mixer. "DO SOmeTHinG!"

A ridiculous request, to be sure, as Lyra could no more hear her housemate than jump up and catch Derpy herself. Time slowed down for Bon Bon as she flew through the air, and she began to wonder if she would ever stop, or if she would keep going around the world forever.

Of course, she would stop. It was just a matter of what would make her stop. In this case, it happened to be the south window of Golden Oaks Library. The sound of breaking glass shattered what had previously been a relatively tranquil morning for Twilight Sparkle. Bon Bon tumbled into the library, slamming onto a bookcase and knocking its contents off and onto the floor upon impact. Realizing that she had come to a stop, Bon Bon groaned and rubbed her throbbing forehead.

"Rainbow Dash!" a voice from behind her snarled. "What have I told you about...? Oh... it's you, Bon Bon. What are you doing? Are you okay?"

Bon Bon groaned again and slowly raised her head to look up at Twilight. She managed to give her a weak smile and push herself up to a sitting position. "Oh. H-hello, Twilight. I'm sorry, I was just... trying to do something and it went spectacularly wrong."

Twilight's concerned look turned into one of suspicion, and she began tapping her hoof on the ground. "Oh? What kind of thing? What kind of thing were you doing that caused you to break my window?"

Bon Bon gave a weak chuckle and waved a hoof. "Oh, Twilight, I don't think that's really all that important. It won't happen again."

"Uh-huh." Twilight looked over to the destroyed window, scanning the pile of broken glass on the floor before looking at the fallen books surrounding Bon Bon.

"Bon Bon..." Twilight's expression shifted into a glare. "I just re-organized that shelf yesterday. I don't appreciate you ruining my hard work."

Bon Bon chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of her neck.

* * * *

Bon Bon growled as she emptied the dust pan of broken glass into the nearby garbage can. She slammed the lid back on and turned around to look at the pile of books laying at the bottom of the shelf she had crashed into.

"This is an absolute waste of my time," Bon Bon growled, stomping over to the fallen books. "I have genius schemes to plan! They don't involve cleaning up books for the town librarian!"

Bon Bon put two of the books closest to her haphazardly on the shelf, not even caring that Mood Wings: Observation of Pegasus Body Language and Naked Singularity: Event Horizons of Lust did not even remotely go next to each other on a library shelf, either alphabetically or in the Dewey Decimal sense. Bon Bon was about to pick up a third book, but the door behind her opened, and she turned to see Carrot Top, Time Turner, and Lyra walk into the library, the latter bouncing happily with Bon Bon's discarded saddlebag on her back. Bon Bon glowered at them and snatched her saddlebag from Lyra when they were close enough.

"Well, that took you long enough! Where have you been?!"

"Well it's not like we knew where you landed, BB," Carrot Top said with a sigh. "You coulda been flung to Baltimare for all we knew. We only found out where you were because Twilight came to Lyra and said, and I quote, 'you're Bon Bon's keeper, right? She's cleaning up the mess she made in the library. Go watch her.'"

Bon Bon growled and ground her left forehoof into the floor. "Maybe we'll go after something of Twilight's next," she seethed.

"N-next?" Carrot Top whimpered.

"Oh never mind that," Bon Bon said with a wave of her hoof. "I just want to get this over with so that we can get back to our scheming!"

"Twilight said that we weren't supposed to help you," Carrot Top muttered.

"Oh just ignore what that know-it-all says! You're not beholden to her, and neither am I!" Bon Bon picked up one of the books and threw it to the floor at Time Turner's hooves. "This is an absolutely humiliating waste of my--"

Bon Bon's words faltered when she heard the sound of a horn lighting up, and she turned to see Lyra levitating all of the books and putting them on the shelves. Within seconds, not a single book lay on the floor. Bon Bon blinked once and looked at the bookshelf, then to Lyra, a bemused expression on her face. After a moment, it shifted to a scowl, and she sat on the floor to angrily cross her forelegs.

"Well good for you, then, Lyra," she grumbled. "I suppose you want a truffle now?"

Lyra's face split into a wide grin, and she began bouncing up and down. "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"

"Fine." Bon Bon opened up her saddlebag, took out one of the chocolate caramel truffles she brought along, and tossed it to Lyra. she caught it in midair and swallowed the whole thing in a single gulp. She let out a contented sigh and licked her lips to capture any lingering taste of the sweet chocolate. Bon Bon rolled her eyes and stood up. "Humph. Well you've had your truffle, so now you'd better give me a good idea for how to get Derpy's mail bag away from her!"

"Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing!" Time Turner cried. The other three turned to look at him, their heads tilted in confusion. Time Turner was grinning and pointing at a page in the open book Bon Bon had thrown at his hooves. "Boing! Boing Boing!" He pointed at Lyra. "Hmm. Gasp! Zap magic wow! Flap, flap, mail boing snatch, ha ha!" Time Turner giggled and rubbed his hooves together. "Nom nom nom nom nom."

Bon Bon gave an exasperated sigh and looked over at Carrot Top. "What did he say? What did he say?"

"He's pointing out a spell in the book you just threw at him," Carrot Top said, pointing at the book. "He's saying that it's a spell that will make ponies jump really, really high. Lyra can cast it on all of us, then when Derpy flies by, we can grab her and you can get those ingredients."

"Really?" Bon Bon snatched the book from Time Turner and scanned the page he pointed out. Her face split into a wide, evil grin as a plan began forming in her mind. "I like it. I like it." She put the book down in front of Lyra. "Lyra, do you think that you can pull this spell off?"

Lyra frowned and looked down at the page for a few moments before shrugging. Bon Bon's eyes widened, and she scoffed. "What do you mean you don't know?! How can you not know?!" Lyra shrugged again. "Come now, Lyra, you have to... oh..." Bon Bon flattened her ears and groaned. "I see. So do you think that you could do the spell for a truffle, then?" Lyra raised an eyebrow and tapped her jaw in thought, but ultimately shrugged again, triggering a pained sigh from Bon Bon. "How about two truffles?" Lyra clicked her tongue and shrugged once more. "How about... ten truffles?"

Lyra's expression brightened, and she snatched the book up and began reading the spell. "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"

Bon Bon grunted. "Good. Ten truffles. Whatever. Just as long as I get that bag."

* * * *

Two days later, the quartet sat in the bushes underneath Derpy's usual flight path to Canterlot. Lyra perused the spell book to make sure that she had all of the details down.

"If my calculations are correct, she'll be here any minute," said Bon Bon. "On my signal..." Bon Bon shot a glare at Lyra, who returned it with an embarrassed grin. "Cast the spell on us. Once we can jump as high as we want, we'll need to start corralling her into a position where she is surrounded so one of us can grab the bag. Once it is in our possession, three of us will distract her while the one who has the bag, ideally me, takes it to our agreed upon safehouse, got it?" The other three nodded. "Good." Bon Bon looked out into the distance, and once again saw Derpy flying in their direction. She cracked her neck and raised her foreleg. "Okay, on my signal, Lyra. One, two, three, GO!"

On the correct signal, Lyra ignited her horn, engulfing the four of them in her golden magical aura. After a few seconds of pumping magic into them, Bon Bon leaped out of the bushes, giggling madly when the spell caused her to jump a good twenty feet into the air. She flew towards Derpy, her hooves outstretched, but Derpy, seeing her coming, swerved to avoid her, causing Bon Bon to miss her completely.

"Hey, you've got to be more careful, Bon Bon!" Derpy called out to her. "I almost ran into you!"

Bon Bon growled and landed, but the force of the impact caused her to immediately fly into the air again. She turned around in midair to see her cohorts had also jumped out of the bushes, and were now attempting to corral Derpy as per instructed. Carrot Top came close to her and swiped at her bag, but before she reached it, she collided with Time Turner, who was also going for it. Lyra giggled at the satisfying thud the two made when they ran into each other before turning her head and igniting her horn to tear the bag away from her prey. Derpy did a barrel roll, followed by a backflip, causing Lyra's spell to miss her completely. Carrot Top and Time Turner recovered from their collision and leaped up once more, both swiping towards the bag. Undeterred by the goings on around her, Derpy put on an extra burst of speed and zoomed towards Canterlot, out of the reach of her pursuers.

"Drat darny drat darn!" Bon Bon cried as she began her descent. "Curse that mailmare! I'll get her bag if it's the last thing I do!"

Bon Bon landed on the ground once more, but to her surprise, instead of stopping like she intended, she took flight once more with a squeak.

"Wha...?" She spun around in midair to see that her minions had also found themselves unable to cease their bouncing. "I can't stop jumping! I can't stop! Lyra! Do something!"

Lyra ignited her horn once more, and her magical aura surrounded the four of them, causing the spell to be lifted. The spell lifted as Lyra, Carrot Top, and Time Turner were only a foot or so near the ground, meaning their landing was relatively soft and simple.

The same could not be said for Bon Bon, who found herself at the peak of her jump as the spell lifted. She fell to the earth like a stone.

"LYRAAAAAAA!"

Fortunately for her, Bon Bon's descent put her right above one of the lakes surrounding Ponyville instead of the hard ground. She hit the water with a loud splash, triggering a small wave. After a few seconds she popped her head up out of the water, a deathly glower on her face, and swam towards the shore where the others waited for her.

"Curse our poor fortune," she growled as she stepped out of the water. She turned her glare to Lyra, who pointed at her sopping wet housemate and giggled. "And you! No truffles for you! You dunked me in a lake!"

Lyra stopped giggling and glared at Bon Bon, muttering something unintelligible under her breath. Bon Bon gave a noise of disgust and rolled her eyes.

"So what now, BB?" Carrot Top asked. "She flies to Canterlot; how are we supposed to get in the air after her? She's too fast!"

"Maybe..." Bon Bon tapped her jaw, and an evil thought entered her mind. She grinned and rubbed her hooves together with a cackle. "Maybe we don't get her in the air. Maybe we get her before she takes off!"

* * * *

"Okay, mares and stallion, the plan this time is so simple it can't fail!" Bon Bon grimaced. "Spectacularly. All you three have to do is wait for Derpy to come out of her house to begin her deliveries. I'll be waiting in the bushes we're in now. Once she comes out, you three approach her and distract her for a few moments, at which point Lyra will grab Derpy's bag and toss it to me. You'll tackle her and hold her down while I take the bag and run back to our safe point!"

"Okay, BB. Whatever you say," Carrot Top muttered.

"Of course it is!" Bon Bon pointed at the door to Derpy's house, which had just opened. "Now here she comes! Go get that bag!"

Carrot Top, Lyra, and Time Turner stepped out of the bushes and walked up to Derpy, who had the prized bag over her shoulder. She was currently nuzzling her daughter goodbye, but turned around when she heard the three approach her. She gave them her usual happy grin and waved at them when they struck up a conversation. Bon Bon giggled and rubbed her hooves together. A perfect plan, that's what this was. Derpy couldn't run now. Lyra would get that prized mail bag away from her.

"Don't mess it up, Lyra," Bon Bon growled as Lyra lit her horn. "Do it... now!"

Before Derpy could react, Lyra tore the bag away from her and threw it has hard as she could in the direction of the bush Bon Bon hid in before her, Time Turner, and Carrot Top tackled her to the ground and held her there. Bon Bon leaped out of the bush and caught the bag before it hit the ground and potentially ruined any of the ingredients inside before bolting in the direction of her safe place.

She had won!

"I go' it!" she cried through the bag strap in her teeth. "I go' the 'ag 'rom 'erpy! 'uh'hung 'ill shtop me 'ow!"

Bon Bon giggled in a distinctly Lyra-esque way as she swerved through the streets of Ponyville. She reached the outskirts and ran into Whitetail Woods towards the clearing she had chosen for this very moment. Upon reaching it, she placed the bag on the ground and sat down in front of it, giggling and rubbing her hooves together.

"It's mine! It's mine! All the secrets of Doughnut Joe's treats are mine!" Bon Bon reached forward towards the strap of the bag. "Now let's see what you've got."

"Hiya, Bon Bon!" a cheerful voice called out from behind her. Bon Bon squeaked and wheeled around and, to her horror, she saw Derpy standing behind her, that same happy grin on her face. Derpy took a few steps towards her and pointed to her mail bag. "I think you have my mail bag."

Bon Bon chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of her neck. "W-well, Derpy, I'm not quite sure that this is your mail bag, so to speak. I think it just looks like yours."

Derpy frowned and tilted her head, examining the bag. "No, it's got my cutie mark on it, so it's definitely mine. But if you have a bag just like it, I can see how you'd get mixed up."

"Yes, well..."

Before Bon Bon could say anything else, Derpy tackled her to the ground and held her there by sitting on her and pressing a hoof down on her head.

"Derpy, what are you doing?!"

Instead of responding, Derpy pulled her mail bag over to her and opened it up, pulling out a leather case and, to Bon Bon's horror, a pair of scissors. Bon Bon squealed and tried to get away, but Derpy's surprising strength held her down.

"Derpy, please! I... I'm sorry for taking your bag!"

Derpy put the leather case down next to her and lifted the hoof pinning Bon Bon's head up. She used it with her other hoof to grab the scissors and open them up. She raised them high, and Bon Bon squeezed her eyes shut, preparing for the end. She squeaked when she heard the scissors snap shut.

What a way to go. What a way to... Wait... am I dead?

Bon Bon tentatively opened up one eye and focused it on Derpy, who, instead of washing off the scissors, was instead picking up a severed lock of Bon Bon's mane. Bon Bon frowned and opened up her other eye as Derpy opened up the leather case. Bon Bon gasped and flattened her ears when she saw what was inside. At least a dozen locks of manes were secured inside the case, including ones she recognized as coming from Pinkie Pie, the Cakes, and even Applejack. Derpy placed Bon Bon's lock right next to Pinkie's then zipped the case shut. She turned her head to Bon Bon, that same happy grin on her face, and lightly bopped her on the head with the case.

"Bad pony. No industrial espionage."

"Uh..."

"Well, have a good day, Bon Bon!" Derpy said with entirely too much cheerfulness as she put the case and the scissors back in the bag. "I gotta make my deliveries. Never been late with one yet!"

And with that, Derpy slung the bag back over her shoulder and took off in the direction of Canterlot, leaving Bon Bon alone in the woods.

Bon Bon stared at Derpy's retreating form, hardly able the events that had just unfolded. She shakily raised a hoof up and touched the spot on the right side near her neck where Derpy had cut off the part of her mane, flinching slightly when her hoof made contact with the frayed part. After a minute or so, she heard the sound of hoofsteps behind her and turned to see Lyra, Carrot Top, and Time Turner approaching her.

"Well, I guess that one failed," Carrot Top said, her ears flattening as Lyra pointed at Bon Bon's mane and giggled. "Do you wanna try again, BB?"

Bon Bon took a slow, deliberate breath and got to her hooves. She blinked once and shook her head.

"You know... I think I'm good."

Author's Note

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