Celestia's Morning After

by WanderingPuffin

Rating: teen
Tags: Prince Blueblood, Discord, Princess Celestia, Lyra, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4389

After experimenting with a new herbal beverage called "Absinthe" Celestia has managed to find herself with no memory of what she did last night. What happens when a living a goddess has a drunken night out?

Normally when you have a wild night out the worst you can expect is a hangover, a stern talking to from the police and maybe a stiff fine. When you are an immortal goddess the consequences can be a bit more severe. After imbibing a few bottles of a new beverage from Prance Princess Celestia will have to deal with a chaotic accountant, a human in a robe preaching reform, and the intricacies of castle renovation.

Published 2014-08-24 21:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-29 03:38:46 UTC

A Gift From Prance

Celestia entered the dining room with a horrible headache. The patriarch of a large extremely wealth Earth Pony family had recently passed away and everything was going so wrong the Princess had been called in to sort things out. It had not helped. The old pony had been the only thing that was keeping the family from killing one another. Now that he was gone the old hurt feelings had come to the surface and everypony was trying to make everypony else miserable while scooping as much as they could from the family coffers for themselves. Not only that but a lot of the family was spoiled beyond belief and incompetent. One of the daughters had tried to force the palace guards to abandon her post and go for a tea run as the palace's "wasn't good enough" and the guard was "only a lowly servant." Celestia had given the guard the day off, against the guards will, to keep her from giving the daughter a good thumping. After that a grandson had almost managed to set the royal portrait gallery on fire while attempting to light a stolen cigarette. When a will was finally located it turned out the old pony had decided to donate a large part of his money to charity which all the ponies decided had to qualify as a sign of mental illness and thus the will should be invalidated. Celestia had eventually ruled the problem was too big for her to mediate and that they would have to come back with their lawyers if they wished to behave in this way. She was not looking forward to tomorrow when she would have to decide how the farm would have to be divided and what would be sold and what could stay.

A note from Luna was on the table. "Sis, left to go slay Gelatinous Cube. Be back tomorrow morning." It seemed Celestia was dining alone tonight.

A trio of servants entered the room. One was a Pegasus maid carrying a tray with dinner on it. The other two were unicorns with who were using telekinesis to carry large wooden crates.

"Dinner is served Princess. Also, we had a delivery that we are not sure what to do with." The Pegasus sat the tray in front of the Princess and pulled a letter with the seal of the nation of Prance on it from her apron pocket.

As a thank you for assisting us in our trade talks with the Griffons the ponies of Prance wanted to send a gift to thank you for your compassionate guidance in this matter. We have decided to send you several cases of a new herbal beverage that has become popular as a health preserver. I have never tried it myself but it was recommended to me by several of the distributors who are benefiting from the new trade agreements. I suggest that you drink generously to your health and long life if you are as long sighted in all matters as you have been in this one.- Minister of Trade Fair Hoof

When Celestia looked up from the letter the servants had already left. The wooden cases rested beside her. She sighed. She wished that they could have stayed. She would have invited them to dine with her. She was often lonely without her sister. So few ponies in the kingdom didn't fear her that the vast majority treated her as dangerous bomb. She had been the wise old queen for so long that many ponies had only seen that side of her. She wished that she could have a more open relationship with her subjects.

She magically pried off the top of one of the cases and plucked out one of the bottles. Absinthe the label read. She supposed that having a few bottles with dinner couldn't hurt before she sent the rest down to the wine cellar to be forgotten for the next century or two. It was another problem with living so long. You forgot things. She had once posed for a troubled young artist as a favor for his patron. Two centuries later she learned that the portrait hung in a national gallery as a masterpiece.

She raised a bottle to her lips and downed it all. It was rather bitter. She briefly hoped there wasn't any alcohol in this drink before shrugging and opening another. Her tolerance had been built up over thousands of years. What harm could it do if there was?

A Brand New Day

Celestia groaned as she awakened to a pounding headache. Her mouth was extremely dry and for some reason she was sleeping at the foot of her bed and upside down. Wait...she didn't remember going to bed last night. The last thing she could remember was she was at dinner and trying some of that new "Absinthe". What happened after then? She couldn't remember. She looked around the room. She usually kept this room spotless and looking exaclty like ponies would expect a powerful ruler to live like. A canopy bed, aged polished wood, and antiques. This room looked completely different to the point that she wouldn't have realized it was her's if the ceiling wasn't the same mural. The bed was the same but fluffier and with pillows everywhere. The canopy was gone. The room was strewn with instruments of all sorts. It seemed a whole orchestra had dropped their instruments and run off. The majority were in black cases but few such as a saxophone, trumpet, violin, and a guitar were sitting on top of a Steinway that had not been there before. Two of them actually.

A pain in Celestia's back forced her to turn from where she was lying on her back to see what the matter was. She was apparently wearing a large leather belt around her waist with a gold medallion in the center of it. It was too small and was cutting into her belly painfully.

"What was I doing last night?" She questioned herself out loud. This point was immediately driven home when she rubbed against fur and realized there was another pony in the bed with her.

"For the love of all that is holy," Celestia shouted as she stumbled out of bed as best she could from her awkward position a look of terror on her face. Tripping over sitar she pulled the covers with her as she tumbled head over heels until she came to rest up against the Steinway. The look of terror widened when she realized there were two stallions on the bed.

The one closest to her awoke first. A buff stallion with a light yellow coat he awoke with a grogginess that vanished when he saw Celestia. "I am sorry my highness but I am spent. The mind is willing but the body is weak."

They would later say that the screams from the castle could be heard all the way in Ponyville.

The pony next to him woke up from this screaming. His was a blue coat that seems to go perfectly with the companion. Barely able to lift his head. "Brother, not while I have a headache." He saw that Celestia was also awake. "THE MONSTER." He stumbled bow legged from the bed. "SERVANTS, bring me eggs, steak, protein!" He cringed with his hooves between his hind legs.
"and ICE" He continued to half stumble away until only a distant sobbing could be heard from down the hall.

"Pardon me but would you be so kinds as to tell me who you ponies are?" Celestia managed to right herself as she tried to ease herself away from a piano without tripping over another instrument.

"I am Castor Princess. The stallion you just sent weeping from your sight is my brother Pollux." He was surprisingly calm for someone who had to have just as bad a hangover as the rest of them.

"Just what happened last night?"

"Not sure. I was just at the tail end of it. You were too drunk to be able to tell me much about it."

Oh, was that it? The brothers had decided to bed a princess for bragging rights? "I would hope that next time you see a mare who is too drunk to think straight you don't take advantage of it."

Castor looked wounded. He managed to pull himself out of the bed and walked over to the window. He shared the bow legged nature of his brother. "You said last night that this is your bedroom?"

"Yes, why?"

"When is the last time you could watch the sun rising from this window?"

Celestia was confused. She had chosen this room because she could watch the sun rising on window and set on the other one. It made her job easier when she didn't have to get out of her room to do it. However, Castor was clearly standing at the "Sunset window. She carefully strode over to where Castor was standing. Sure enough there was the sunrise. She must have done it reflexively or Luna must have done it for her. Did Luna not understand which side the Sun was supposed to rise from?

Castor spoke softly, "You stated you were bored with the castle and wanted the sunrise on a different side. You then proceeded to magically lift the castle off the foundations and turn it around. We were willing to do whatever you told us to do after that. You said to come to bed. We complied."

"Oh, buck" Celestia said wondering just what she had done last night.

Breakfast

Celestia groaned at her headache. She normally wasn't a breakfast pony. She usually limited herself to coffee and a bran muffin. However right now she wanted nothing more than something that could kill the pounding in her head. Something thick and able to soak up whatever alcohol remained in her system. She wanted cheese, eggs and buckets of butter. She wanted so much grease that she would use the bottom of the plate as a mirror. The problem was, that like all good gossip, the news of her night of debauchery had already traveled throughout the castle and everypony was already waiting with their chosen cures in the dining room. They all seemed to agree that the best way to advertise their chosen cures was by shouting them at the the pony with the hangover.

"Try buffalo milk Princess. One sip turn you right as rain,"

"No, herring is the answer. Protein is what you need."

"Can't go wrong with plain water. One gallon and you will be fine"

"Eggs with salsa,"

"Pickle juice"

"Miso soup,"

Princess Celestia gritted her teeth and strode through the herd. It was times like this that she enjoyed being twice as tall as her subjects. The noise was not helping but they had good intentions. They were just idiots. She tapped her hoof on the table and they quieted down as they realized what she was asking. Soon the table sagged under the weight of fish, greasy eggs, yogurt, soups, oats, a four pack of socks (was she supposed to eat the socks or wear them?) and a variety of different colored liquids filling up cups and mugs. Celestia let herself relax for a moment as she pondered what to try and what to avoid at all costs. However the universe was just getting started with her.

"Your advisors ma'am." Announced the herald at the door. A cold chill went down the princess's spine. The group of ponies pushed their way through the crowd. Their sense of self importance shielding them from "lesser" ponies.

"Princess, we have a great deal of issues to discuss," That was Stiff Lip, the royal manager of the household. "We need to see about turning the castle back around. The main drawbridge is currently pointing out to the cliff. We are having to use rope ladders to scale the walls."

"Princess, have I not served you faithfully for years? Now you suddenly want to replace me with a "Hoomun"? The man is mad I tell you! Give to the poor? Let the poor take out loans? This will lead to ruin!" That was Thrifty the master of the Royal Bank and the Mint.

"I did what?" Princess Celestia asked turning around. She had hoped she hadn't done anything politically unwise last night.

"This "wise man" you summoned last night." The bank director usually looked spiffy in his suit but now he just looked scared. "He is wandering through the town in a robe saying all sorts of crazy things. He has already gathered a group of twelve weirdos who follow him around and more come to listen to him every hour." Mental note to self: nip this in the bud.

"Celestia, The Accountants guild is willing to pay for any addition to the castle. However many towers you want. Go nuts. Just tell us what you did to Discord and how to undo it." A suited pony. Celestia didn't recognize him.

"Celestia, the Crystal Empire has sent back their responses to your requests last night. "No", "No", "No!" and "Shining is all for it but I am just not flexible enough," Oh that was gonna come back to bite her.

She was about to start with these issues when a white pony charged into the room. "AUNTIE"

Celestia slammed her head on the table. Blueblood. What fresh torture is this?

"I have done it!" Blueblood shouted as he charged into the room. This was not the pampered prince she always knew. His hair had all been cut off. Both mane and tail were missing. He was covered with grease and blood. Burns covered where the grease didn't. "I have the panties of Fleur de Lis, I destroyed a book from Princess Twilight's library, broke a Pinkie promise and stole the dragon's scale." He placed a squirming burlap sack on the table.

"Sorry, he promised me gems," the sack said.

"I stole the rest of him as well," Blueblood said quickly. "Now I hold you to change the marriage law as you promised."

"Wait what marriage law?" Celestia said. However, his tasks complete Blueblood promptly passed out.

"Is it too much to ask for a straight answer?" Celestia asked out loud. She turned to table and downed the nearest cup. Her face turned sour.

A joyful cry echoed from the back of the room. "Pickle juice! I win the pot!"

Breaking the Butterfly Upon the Wheel

Celestia was infinity patient. She was immortal and indestructible. A decade passed in the blink of an eye for her. She had learned not to become too emotional about small things. Today was starting to wear even her patience extremely thin. She had a headache, still had on this stupid belt, her bedroom was full of instruments, she had to deal with those bone headed pear farmers in less than an hour, her advisers were yelling at her for things she had no idea about, she might have propositioned her niece, Blueblood was bleeding on her hooves, she apparently had promised him some sort of law change, and above it all she had just drank pickle juice. The air around her body was becoming super heated as her rage was magically becoming real. Her hooves were leaving scorch marks on the table. Flames were appearing above her horn. Breath in she told herself. If you can not control your emotions you are not fit to be royalty.

"Bring in my sister," she announced trying to keep her rage from destroying everyone who didn't seem to realize just who they were messing with. Perhaps the Mistress of the Night could help her understand just what she had done. Well maybe just close friend of the Night. Luna was too shy to be much of a mistress.

"Sorry, Princess Luna didn't come back last night." Be calm, they know you are strong. They do not need a reminder that you can kill them with your thoughts.

"Where is she?" Princess Celestia didn't want to panic. Her sister was an excellent fighter. Countless owl bears had fallen at her hooves. A gelatinous cube wouldn't be enough to harm her. She once ate one with whipped cream on a dare. On the other hoof, today would be just the day for her to decide to suddenly attack that "Tomb of Horrors" she talked about. Or do that surfing thing she always discussed. Celestia tried to tell her that long flowing manes and swimming just didn't mix but Luna wouldn't listen. Yes, that had to be it. Luna was drowning this very minute. These metal hoof slippers they always wore would drag her down to her death. Celestia could just imagine her now screaming her lungs out. "SISTER, WHY HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ME?" The cold sea water flooding her lungs as the last breath of air ran out. Three weeks from now her bloated corpse would rise from the ocean's depths and the image that Celestia had of her sister would be her lying on a medical examination table. Her body bloated from the gases inside of her. Her eyes eaten away by the fish. The evil species of Equestria would see this as a sign of weakness and all invade at once. Thousands of her ponies would die needlessly as the Changelings, Griffons, Trolls, all the denizens of Tartarus swarmed forth at once to destroy her kingdoms. All of it would be her fault

"Uh, Princess?" one of the maids asked.

"I want the coast guard sent out to search immediately!" Celestia shouted. Perhaps Luna would not be drowned fully before the ships reached her.

"Princess, if you are done day dreaming. Do you think that we could get on to more important matters. I have bills from your night of indulgence. Did you have to act like a filly who has just reached marehood? It shows a great deal of immaturity from somepony we trust with the running of the kingdom." Celestia normally would take this pony away for private a private talk about the inappropriateness of that statement. Her personal expenses were paid by her own private land holdings, investments and business ventures which had grown immensely thanks to her immortality. It had gotten to the point that she had been forced to change banks multiple times after filling them up. The ministry had no say in what were private affairs.

"Did I use the treasury to pay my bills?" Celestia asked as the heat around her body increased. The floor beneath her began to crack loudly as it warped.

"No, but such lack of fiscal management weighs on the minds of citizens. We at the treasury have many times requested auditing of measures to curtail misuse of funds that would adversely affect the reputation of the kingdom." In other words allow the treasury control of all fiscal assets and make it so you can't spend a bit without approval. Celestia had just reached the breaking point. The point at which anger ceases burning and instead becomes pure focused hatred. Celestia would not use violence. Violence would be crude and brutish. Celestia reached back into her mind. That was all she needed to destroy this pony.

"No, I do not believe that will be needed Mr. Oats," Celestia said turning to give him her full attention.

The small brown pony sputtered. "I believe her majesty is mistaken. My name is Regal Thunder," The pony puffed out his chest at his name.

"No, it was Rolled Oats. You changed upon your acceptance to Canterlot University." The brown pony suddenly lost the look of pretentiousness he had before. "I knew your father. A small farmer who enjoyed breeding sunflowers. His father, Harsh Orders, took the land as a pension for years of service in the army. His father was a drunk."

Celestia stood up from the chair. Her hair changed from the rainbow her subjects knew into pure flames. "You received good grades at Canterlot university and served on several boards."

"I see my credentials and known even to you." The small brown unicorn said gaining a small amount of smugness. The rest of the ponies around him backed away quickly. They didn't want to get caught in the coming cross fire the unicorn couldn't see coming.

"I am aware of every pony within my lands. Even a trumped up overly ambitious oat farmer with delusions of grandeur."

"I should sue you for slander." The unicorn cried stepping back against a wall.

"I have known your fathers and mothers going back to the three tribes and before. I can see the very molecules that makes up up your heart. I have enough force in my horn to drive you through the earth until you burn in the heart of the planet. You think that you are equal enough to dictate my actions?" Celestia towered over the unicorn.

"I only seek what is best for the kingdom." He whined.

"Do you know why I was made princess?" Celestia shouted staring him in the eye.

"Because they could see your great wisdom?" the unicorn squeaked.

Celestia threw back her head in laughter. "I was given the title when I was still a foal. Do you think a foal is wise?" A grin grew across her face. "They hoped to distract me. To keep me so wrapped up in bureaucracy, ceremony and luxury that I would not have time to go about destroying mountains and ripping ponies to shreds. I could destroy you here. Make it so your closest friends forget even your name. Both of them. But would you like to know a secret?" She leaned down to whisper in his ear," I don't need to," She took a step back.

"Thrifty, I would like Mr. Oats accounts thoroughly audited. Let the revenue service know."

"You can't just audit someone without reason." The unicorn protested.

"Any member of the Equestrian Intelligence Service may be audited at the expressed desire of the Princess if she feels there is sufficient cause. Equestrian Special Services Tax Code article three subsection seven. I wrote that piece myself."

"I work for the treasury."

"Consider this notice of transfer. You are expected to begin service monitoring the sand of the San Palomino Desert in three days."

"The sand?"

"Can't have somepony stealing the sand. What would we use to make those novelty glass figures I enjoy so much? Also to make sure that your presence is a deterrent to potential sand thieves I will expect you to be in full dress uniform at all times." The unicorn felt a cold chill. The uniform hadn't been updated in years. It would be like roasting in an oven every day.

"Of course this will have to be a secret mission to catch the sand thieves so I will have a special shack built fifty miles from any cities, towns, or outposts for you to stay in so that your presence will be unknown to the sand thieves allowing you the element of surprise. Of course I will have an inspector come now and then. Any failure to report in and in full dress will result in extension of duty."

"Have mercy Princess," The unicorn begged.

"Oh, alright." Celestia said the temperature around her cooling. "You may have the use of my maids." Celestia turned around to face her servants. "Oh, good you are already here." She said in a mock surprised tone. "Please help Mr. Oats to pack up his house. He will be going on a trip." Celestia then walked back to the breakfast table and began eating a plate of eggs. This was her preferred hangover cure. The maids scurried off with Mr. Oates. A scared silence shared between them.

"Um, Celestie? I don't want to bother you but do you think that you could let me out of this sack? It sorta smells." The sac said quietly. Celestia undid the knot and Spike fell out of the sack with a pair of cotton pink panties on his head.

"I think the kitchen might have some gems if you would like some breakfast Spikie" Celestia said as she picked off the panties. Fleur would probably want these back.

"Thanks... hey cool pickle juice Twilight won't ever let me drink this stuff." Spike grabbed a cup and happily wandered off to the kitchen.

"Your highness, that was entertaining but what about all these issues from last night." Thrifty protested. More civil at the moment than before.

"I will deal with the Pear farmers now and seek to figure out what happened this evening when we have time." She didn't like pushing back matters like this but she had promised the Pears to hear their case today.

"No, need your highness." The accountant said quietly. "The wise one dealt with that issue yesterday. They are now happy with the terms of the will."

"Well thank goodness that drunk me can do some things right. I will not hold court today then." Princess Celestia stared at her reflection in the plate. A trip to a beautician before heading out would be in order. "I will instead go to see if I can trace what exactly I did last night. Please have the butler load all the instuments in my room on a cart so I can take them back to where I found them." She glanced around the around. Most of the crowd had dispersed but a few servants were still in the room. "In fact if one of you could help me take this belt off I would appreciate it." The remaining servants rushed to her aid. It was good that there was more than one. A few centuries of dietary overindulgence had the belt stretched to its limit.

"And what would you like us to do about Blueblood?" Celestia glanced down. He was still passed out on the floor. She did not know what she had promised him but nobility kept its promises. Even the drunk ones.

"Place him on a bed somewhere. When he wakes up try to figure out what he wants without letting on that I have not the slightest idea of what it is or why stealing panties was vital to my agreement."