Chris Redfield Punches Tom
I Have Nothing To Call This Chapter
June 29th, 2013
In some stereotypical bar in Eastern Europe
Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™, gazed idly into his half filled cup of booze before he raised it to his lips and took a swig. Then, noticing the woman behind the bar hadn’t done her job, hit the aforementioned and now empty cup of booze onto the bar top.
“Another round.”
The bartender idly glanced over at his cup before making her way to the other side of the bar. Some other man who wasn’t Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™ looked over at him.
“Hard to find a good steak here.” The lowly man tried to strike up idle conversation. “Not like back home.”
Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™, was too much of a BAMF to converse with this lowly filth. So instead of acknowledging his presence like any other good decent but less badass person would do, he simply scowled at him.
Fortunately the bartender returned and poured only a sliver of booze into his drink. He couldn’t help but notice that the bartender had just disobeyed a direct order from Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™, but he was in a good mood so instead of punching her to death like he would any other heathen, he simply cast an unsatisfied scowl into his cup before gesturing to the waitress again.
“Fill her up.”
The bartender pushed the object of his desires to the side. “You’ve had enough.”
Now, Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™, was in a good mood, but even he had his limits. Thankfully he was in a more “I’m going to act like I have a tragic backstory that none of you know about” mood rather than his usual mood, so he simply grabbed the booze from the bartender.
“Look sweetheart,” he began as he filled his cup to its maximum capacity. “You’re here to pour drinks, and look pretty. So how about you just shut your mouth?”
Clearly not knowing who she was dealing with, the waitress grabbed the cup from the bar and threw it into his face. “How about you get the HELL out of my bar?!”
As she said this, a strange cloud began to form over Chris’s head. Most would think that Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™, would realize this, but he was a bit too busy being a general douchebag to really notice. Then, in a magnificent flash of bright light, Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™, vanished.
September 24th, 2011
Ponyville, Equestria
A noticeably grey Rarity was pushing a massively oversized bolder through the checkerboard colored streets of Ponyville. Thankfully there weren’t any houses or obstancles standing in her way, as they were all busily floating up in the air.
“Stupid friends...who needs them?! They would all just try and take Tom anyways—” the unicorn’s rambling was cut off as a bright flash appeared overhead, and a rather large, oddly monkey-shaped thing landed atop Rarity.
Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™, looked around in a daze. it was so strange, one moment he was in a bar about to deliver the Holy Fist of Justice unto the bartender who dared to deny him a drink, the next he was in a brightly lit and rather wacky looking town. To say he was a little disorientated would be an understatement. His sudden teleportation from one area to another, as well as his persisting buzz, left him a very confused man.
There was one thing however, he was very familiar with. Slowly as his gaze panned to the right, he saw it. A monstrous, disgusting, grey abomination towered over him and the thing he had landed on. Suddenly, Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™, wasn’t in some weird trippy place anymore, he was in the core of a volcano, watching as his partner struggled to pull herself up and away from the lava as Albert Wesker stalked towards her.
The boulder was in his way.
“Hold on Sheva!” Chris jumped to his feet and threw all of his weight into pushing the boulder forward, which of course, didn’t budge.
“WHAT do you think you are doing to Tom?!” A blue aura surrounded him and he was suddenly flung backwards, away from the obstacle in his path. Now there were two things in his path, the accursed grey abomination that he had dedicated his life to defeating, and…
“It’s some kind of new B.O.W.!” Chris shouted, wishing he had any of his weapons on him right now. “You won’t stop me! My partner’s in trouble!” Chris’s resolve was so stalwart that lesser men couldn’t help but weep upon seeing such rigid determination on his face.
Rarity, on the other hoof, looked as if she had just been slapped with a fish. “ Y...wha...look, I don’t know who you are, but if you lay a SINGLE FINGER on my Tom, I will personally—!”
She didn’t finish her sentence as Rarity’s face was introduced to Chris’s Legendary Right Hook of Legend™, and was quickly thrown to the side. Chris immediately set back to do his job, slamming his shoulder into the boulder and began to push with all of his might. For some unknown reason, a spinning analog stick could be seen next to him as he pushed. When pushing failed, Chris grabbed the boulder from underneath and began to push up.
If you really think about it, it’s really sad that Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™, couldn’t budge a boulder that a small alabaster unicorn with no physical training whatsoever had been moving not ten seconds ago, but he was too busy fulfilling his legendary duty to ponder this.
When even that failed, Chris knew that this boulder was no average, everyday boulder.
This was… an advanced boulder.
Realizing he had no other choice, Chris raised his fist as button prompts appeared in the air next to him, and began to jab at the boulder repeatedly. He WOULD move this boulder, even if it would kill him.
After several of his Legendary Right Hook of Legend™s, Chris felt something grab onto his back.
“Stop punching my Tom!” The abominable freak of nature screamed. Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™, could do naught but flail around like an insane man as he tried to get the alabaster unicorn off of him. After several minutes of struggling he managed to grab her tail, and held her out in front of him.
“You won’t stop me, B.O.W.!” He proceeded to punch the B.O.W. in the face like a BAMF before returning to the task at hand. When pushing and punching hadn’t worked, a plan formed itself in his head, something he never thought of before. “What if...I pulled it?”
Putting his plan into action, Chris moved to the other side of the boulder and attempted to roll it out of its position.
Miraculously, the boulder moved. It rolled, and landed right on top of Chris Redfield, Certified Badass Boulder Puncher Extraordinaire™, with a crunch.
Several minutes later, Rarity awoke from her punching-induced coma and immediately set out to look for the deranged monkey that had rendered her unconscious. Upon seeing nothing however, she rolled Tom over only to find a sticky red mess underneath of him.
Thinking nothing of it, Rarity proceeded to push Tom, Certified Chris Redfield Crusher Extraordinaire™ towards her home, scowling all the while.
Author's Note
Oh my god I am so sorry you had to read that.
Also I didn't have an editor when I wrote this, it was a spur of the moment thing. So forgive any grammatical/spelling errors and point them out to me, please.
And if you don't understand:
