Pinkie Pie Kills Everypony with a SPORK *NOT GORE!*

by PianoPony

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Random, Sweetie Belle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2212

After being given a Spork by Twilight, Pinkie uses it to embark on an insane playful murder spree, and nopony is safe.

Twilight Sparkle makes two terrible mistakes:
1. She lets Pinkie come in contact with a spork.
2. She decides to play along with Pinkie's shenanigans.
These two mistakes start a chain of events which will forever change Equestria as Pinkie Pie sets on an insane murder spree.... With a Spork. Can anypony stop her?!

Contains over-the-top drama (played for laughs). Does not contain sanity.

Again, this is not gore! If it was there'd be a tag!

Published 2014-08-24 15:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-27 11:52:10 UTC

Chapter 1- Beginning of Spork

Chapter 1- Beginning of Spork

Twilight rubbed her head as she felt a migraine coming in. A reaction anypony could expect upon prolonged conversation with one Pinkamena Diane Pie, or Pinkie Pie, for short. Said pony came to visit her at the library, saying it was a very important request. That is, until Twilight heard said request. “Please explain to me again why you want to put spaghetti in your soup?”

“Caaaaaaause, carrot soup is super ultra-yummy, and spaghetti is also super-duper extra delicious! So together, they’ll be super ultra-duper yummy extra delicious!” Pinkie explained the obvious with a beaming smile.

“And why can’t you use a spoon and a fork like normal ponies do?” Twilight asked. “Come to think of it, do you ever use eating utensils?” she continued as she envisioned Pinkie simply shoving her head into anything she ate.

“Yeah, but I figured using a spoon and a fork at once will be waaaay more efficient! That’s why I want you to invent one for me!” the Earth pony explained.

“You mean a Spork? It’s hardly an invention,” the purple Unicorn replied as her horn started glowing. The same glow appeared around a drawer in the treehouse’s kitchen. It opened, and out floated a Spork, and then summoned to Twilight’s side.

“There, you can have it. It’s really not a big deal,” Twilight smiled.

Pinkie gazed at the utensil with eyes full of wonder. She slowly grabbed the floating instrument with her hoof, upon which Twilight stopped using her magic. Pinkie’s mind began racing as she stared at her own reflection in the pointy spoon. “It’s incredible. It’s amazing. It’s both a spoon, and a fork! In other words… It’s the perfect…”

“Hey, Twilight. Do you know what ‘Spork’ rhymes with?” Pinkie asked with a poker face, as she continued staring at her own reflection in the Spork.

“Umm, fork?” Twilight took a wild guess.

“No. It rhymes with murder,” Pinkie said as her expression twisted into a wicked grin, and she jabbed the Spork straight into Twilight’s chest.

Twilight only gazed at Pinkie for a moment, before the reality of what was going on took hold. “Pinkie… How… Could you?” the purple Unicorn muttered before she collapsed onto the floor.

Pinkie let out a maniacal laugh as her mind raced with thoughts once more. “This Spork… It’s amazing… Just imagine what I could do with it!” Her eyes were nearly popping out of their sockets as her expression looked utterly insane.

“Noooooooo! Twilight!” a cry suddenly derailed her train of thought. Pinkie turned her gaze to the staircase, where she found Spike gazing at the scene in horror.

The little dragon ran as quickly as his little legs could take him to Twilight. “I just mopped the floor! What’s with you?!” he asked angrily.

Pinkie stared furiously at the one who so rudely disturbed her earlier thoughts, and immediately found a simple, yet fitting punishment. “Die, Spike! Die!!!” she roared as she stabbed the little dragon’s stomach again and again with her horrible instrument of death.

“Umm… What are you doing?” Spike asked in confusion as he noticed the small item poking the scales of his belly.

“I’m killing you… With a Spork!” Pinkie shouted the obvious.

It was then that Spike finally caught up to it. “Oh, right!” he exclaimed, and then proceeded to clear his throat.

“O, what a tragedy!” the purple drake called as he put a claw on his forehead. “What a horrible way to die! ‘Twas a glorious life I lead, but now I must depart for the afterlife! Goodbye, cruel, cruel world!”

With an over-the-top spin, Spike finally collapsed on the floor, next to Twilight.

“Ugh. What a drama queen,” Pinkie said, her expression showing disgust.

The camera instantly zooms in on her face as they turn once more into a wicked, diabolical grin. “And speaking of drama queens…”

*****

Pinkie tip-hooved up the stairs at Carousel Boutique. When she reached the top, she could hear the soft humming voice of her intended victim, accompanied by the noise of flowing water.

Pinkie walked silently to the bathroom’s door, and opened it as quietly as she possibly could.

Beyond the bath’s curtain, she could see the silhouette of her next victim. Grinning maniacally, Pinkie walked on her two back hooves, clutching the Spork tightly with her right hoof. Then, without warning, she moved away the curtains to reveal a shocked Rarity.

Still, with the same, devilish expression she stabbed Rarity’s chest over and over…

“Ahhhhh!!!” the alabaster Unicorn yelled in horror. “Pinkie Pie! I’m in the shower! Can’t it wait until later?” she frowned at the pink pony poking her chest.

“Aww, but I was going for an over-the-top murder scene in the shower! You’re the only one who can pull off the role of the victim here, Rarity!” Pinkie Pie pleaded.

Rarity sighed. “Oh well. I guess only a refined pony of my caliber could pull off such a dramatic acting part. So where were we?”

“The stabbing part,” Pinkie replied with a hearty smile.

“Ah, yes, of course,” Rarity replied as she cleared her throat. “Ahhhhh!!!” she let out a horrible scream. Pinkie Pie took one swipe after another at the defenseless Unicorn’s chest, until the latter could no longer stand. She fell down, lifeless, as she water from the shower continued pouring on top of her.

“What’s all the noise? Did you run out of conditioner again, sis?” a voice asked from the entrance.

Pinkie Pie immediately turned to its source- Sweetie Belle, who was standing there with a puzzled expression, which then turned to horror as she saw Rarity.

“Y… You killed my sister…” the filly muttered in horror as tears began forming under her eyes.

“Don’t worry…. You’ll join her soon enough!” Pinkie called as she walked slowly towards Sweetie, who was frozen with shock and fear.

“P… Please! Have mercy!” the white filly begged.

Pinkie stopped to ponder. A moment afterwards, she came up with a cruel, horrifying idea. “Fine. If you wish to live, then you shall join me!” she called as she tossed the Spork at Sweetie’s hooves.

“You must prove to me your loyalty… By stabbing your dead sister!” Pinkie called, the camera again focusing on her evil grin.

Chapter 2- Stick a Spork in that Apple

Chapter 2- Stick a Spork in that Apple

Sweetie Belle, a frightened expression on her muzzle, slowly walked up to the instrument of death and picked it up with her hoof, staring at it in a mixture of shock and fear. Her little heart was beating a mile a minute as she finally raised her look to her unmoving older sister.

“Do it now!” Pinkie commanded coldly.

Sweetie slowly paced forward, one step after another. It seemed to take an eternity, but she finally made it to the purple-maned Unicorn, that was her older sister. She took breath, bracing herself for the horrible deed she was about to commit. “I’m sorry… Rarity…” she muttered in a trembling voice.

Pinkie grinned wickedly as Sweetie Belle raised the Spork high up, and jammed it into Rarity’s chest. She closed her eyes, a teardrop forming in each of her eyes.

“Sweetie… Belle…” Rarity groaned.

Sweetie’s eyes shot open as she stared at her older sibling.

“You’re… Grounded,” Rarity said quietly, before returning to her eternal slumber.

“Aww, horse apples,” Sweetie muttered.

“Muahahahaha!” Pinkie vocalized loudly after the deed was done. “Now come, my evil minion! We have many a pony to slay!”

“Hey, Pinkie…” Sweetie spoke, gaining her attention. “Do you think… I’ll get a Spork cutie mark for this?” she asked as she turned to the pink pony with a big, hopeful smile.

“Absoludefinitely!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “And not only does a Spork cutie mark sound awesome, but I’ll get to throw you a cute-ceañera!”

“Hurray! I can’t wait to tell Apple Bloom and Scootaloo about this!” Sweetie said in excitement, and hooved to Pinkie the Spork.

“Wait a second, I’ll go get another Spork from the kitchen,” the white filly said as she ran off.

*****

“I’m back!” Sweetie announced, in her mouth another lethal weapon of doom and destruction of her own. Pinkie was waiting for her near the entrance to Carousel Boutique.

“Great, my evil minion!” Pinkie called, smirking evilly. The two ponies crossed their Sporks, creating a pose of unpareil epicness and evil, as the two weapons sparkled in the lamp’s light.

“So, where should we head to next?” Pinkie asked.

“Well, the Cutie Mark Crusaders are holding a meeting soon in the treehouse at Sweet Apple Acres. I could go slay Apple Bloom and Scootaloo there,” Sweetie suggested.

“Great, and meanwhile, I’ll finish off the rest of the Apple Family!” Pinkie called.

“MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!” the malicious duo immediately burst into a duet of evil laughter.

“How was my evil laugh?” Sweetie asked, after the pair vocalized their evilness.

“Not bad, but it could be about twenty percent more evil if you put more emphasis on every other ‘ha’,” Pinkie advised.

“Oh. Thanks, Pinkie!” Sweetie thanked her kindly.

“Now, let’s go stick a Spork in those Apples!” Pinkie called.

The two ponies happily skipped out of Carousel Boutique, holding their lethal weapons in their mouths, and closed the door behind them. Even murderers still have their manners.

*****

Unaware of the unspeakable evil at her doorstep, Applejack trod towards the front door of her farmhouse, in order to answer the one knocking on it.

“Who’s there?” Applejack inquired.

“Hereeeeeee’s Pinkie!” the pink pony called, and waited patiently for the cowmare to open the door, instead of piercing it with the Spork.

“Howdy, Pinkie! What bring y’all here?” the orange mare asked after opening the door for her friend, unaware of the horrible fate about to befall her.

“I’m here to kill you… With a Spork!” Pinkie yelled, smiling viciously.

“Uhh… What was that again?” Applejack asked, not getting a lick of what the pink pony just said.

She got her answer in the form of a stab to her flank. “Pinkie! Mah cutie mark ain’t real, you know!” she scolded. “If you want an Apple, you can just ask.”

“Applejack, don’t ignore me while I’m stabbing you!” Pinkie cried out. “Act like a proper Sporked victim, won’t you?!”

“Fine,” The orange mare groaned, rolling her eyes. “Oh no, da pain’s too much! How could ya do it, Pinkie! I’m dying!” she called monotonically as she stepped towards the couch, all the while being jabbed by Pinkie, and finally jumped onto the Sofa, as she breathed her last breath. Or yawn, actually. She tilted her hat over her head and dozed off.

“Hurray! Another victim claimed by my Spork! This is so fun, I should throw a Spork party someday!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she hopped off to find the rest of the Apple Family. “Spork, Spork, Spork. That’s such a fun word to say!”

*****

Pinkie tip-hooved all around the Apples’ farmhouse, looking for her next victim. As she was walking down the hall, she felt a sudden itch in her nose.

“Oh! This means there’s somepony… Here!” she called as she took a peek through the next door on her left, where she saw Granny Smith calmly knitting, sitting on a rocking chair.

Grinning diabolically, Pinkie hid the Spork in her mane, and walked over to Granny Smith. “Whatcha doing?” she asked innocently.

“Oh, howdy, Pinkie!” Granny said as she rocked back and forth. “Just sewing a new sweater for Apple Bloom,” she explained as she worked on the red piece of cloth.

“Can you sew something… For my Spork?!” Pinkie asked, a wicked smile once more popping on her muzzle as she pulled out the horrible weapon from her bring pink mane.

“Oh, dear Celestia! Not a Spork! Anything but a Spork!” the aged mare yelled, dropping her crafts on the wooden floor. Pinkie Pie was approaching her slowly and menacingly.

As the pink murderer drew closer and closer, Granny Smith could slowly see her reflection coming more and more into focus on the lethal weapon. Eventually, the stress and horror was too much, as she clutched her chest with her front hoof, her heart reaching a dangerously high rate of heartbeats. Just as Pinkie finally reached her, and was about to strike her down with the awful Spork, the green granny slumped down in her chair, dead.

“Aww, this sucks! I didn’t get to kill her!” Pinkie cried, disappointed over losing her victim.

“Better luck next time, young’un!” Granny Smith said, smirking with her eyes still closed and her body still limp.

“Oh well, onwards to Big Mac,” Pinkie said as she turned around, stuffing the Spork back in her mane.

“He’s in the barn!” Granny called behind her.

“Thanks, Granny Smith!” Pinkie replied.

“You’re welcome! Come over tomorrow for dinner! It’s pie night!”

“Okey dokey lokey!” the pink pony answered happily as she bounced to find the last remaining victim in the house.

Author's Note

Granny Smith dodged a Spork there. Not fair.
In the next chapter- will Sweetie Belle get her cutie mark?
Will we see some Big Mac Sporkin' action?

The answer to these is probably 'no', but please stay tuned!