In which Pinkie Pie eats too much sugar and then not enough
Author's Note
"Loosely" based on the Futurama episode 'Hell is Other Robots'. This was primarily written because I thought Discord would make a good Robot Devil. I would've liked the song near the end to have turned out better, but what're ya gonna do? Enjoy!
In which Pinkie Pie eats too much sugar and then not enough
Pinkie Pie was literally buzzing in her seat, anxiously waiting for the show to start. Her excitement had gradually grown ever since she had won the concert tickets, culminating to this moment. She had entered the competition on a whim, as she did with every competition that came her way through the post. Her squeal of surprise and delight when she had received the news that she had won one of these competitions was heard throughout Ponyville (and even to the outskirts of Canterlot).
The prize in question was three VIP tickets for the ‘Party Crashers’ concert in Manehattan, including accommodation, travel and invitations to the after party. Though she had never heard of the Party Crashers before the contest, she felt that anything with the word ‘party’ in it was worth her attention, and instantly began gathering as much information as possible about the pop group so as to fully appreciate the upcoming event.
Her spirits had deflated somewhat when she realised there were only two extra tickets, but fortunately only two of her friends expressed any interest and declared themselves able to accompany her. Rarity never turned down a trip to Manehattan if she could help it, and Rainbow Dash decided she had nothing better to do. The latter was currently growing impatient, watching Pinkie Pie with concern, while the former didn’t bother to disguise her boredom.
“Do you think they’re gonna start soon?” Rainbow Dash asked Rarity. “I don’t think Pinkie can take much more of this.”
“You would think they’d start on time,” she replied, “especially with VIPs in the audience.”
“They’re starting!” exclaimed Pinkie, a little too loudly.
“Mayhem lovers everywhere, prepare for... The Party Crashers!”
The lights dimmed and fog began filling the stage. Four silhouettes rose up through the mist and spotlights danced around the hall before falling on them. The noise from the audience was deafening, and only subsided when the music started, a heavy dub step which kept threatening to drown the singing.
“We’re gonna crash this party,
We’re gonna crash this party!”
Rarity groaned and clamped her hooves over her ears. “This is music?” she shouted.
“Eh. It’s not that bad,” Rainbow Dash replied, bopping her head to the beat.
Pinkie meanwhile screamed and danced, taking her cue from the surrounding audience members.
The rest of the concert continued in a similar fashion. Rarity complained about how all the songs were much too loud and sounded the same, Rainbow Dash would tell her to lighten up, and Pinkie Pie refused to restrain herself from showing her enthusiasm.
After several hours and more than a few encores (most of which requested by Pinkie) the singers proclaimed the concert over and gave their farewells.
“Thank goodness that’s over,” said Rarity wearily, rubbing her head.
“Don’t we have that meet up thing with the group now?” asked Rainbow Dash, rising from her seat.
“Ooh, yes! The after party! Come on!” Pinkie grabbed her friends and zoomed over to the area marked with a sign saying ‘VIP’.
Once all the VIP ticket holders had gathered, the usher led them to a spacious room backstage, lit with pink neon bulbs and decorated with Party Crashers posters.
“The band will be here in a few minutes after they’ve rested,” the usher assured them. “Please help yourselves to the buffet table in the mean time.”
“Good! I’m starving!” Rainbow Dash raced over to the table and started piling up food on a plate. Pinkie Pie was about to follow suit when she spotted a pale yellow earth pony with a red and purple mane. She was wearing a blue jacket and a heap of sprinkles adorned her flank.
“Sprinkles!” Pinkie Pie ran over to the pony and gave her a tight hug. “I haven’t seen you in ages! How are you?”
“Pinks, is that you?” the pony replied. She gasped as Pinkie squeezed harder. “Definitely you.”
“Who’s this?” asked Rainbow Dash, coming over, accompanied by Rarity.
“This is Sprinkles,” answered Pinkie Pie. “We met when I was travelling Equestria after getting my Cutie Mark. We used to get together at Cake Conventions.”
“Unfortunately I’ve been busy with the catering business lately,” Sprinkles added. “In fact that’s why I’m here. What about you guys?”
“I won VIP tickets in a contest! This is Rainbow Dash, and this is Rarity. They’re friends from Ponyville.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Sprinkles. They made small talk and discussed the concert until the usher returned.
“Everypony,” he announced in a somewhat dramatic fashion, “may I introduce The Party Crashers!”
Behind him came the four members of the group, dressed in bright fabric and smirking at their guests. A few of the VIPs clapped.
“Hey,” the leader said. “’Sup?”
The guests slowly gathered around them, asking questions and producing pictures that required their autograph. The musicians responded politely, but encouraged the guests to return to friendly chatter. Rainbow Dash was soon happily talking about her Wonderbolt ambitions, whilst Rarity was far more interested in their unique attire. Pinkie Pie had been star struck the moment they entered the room, but eventually managed to descend into her usual hyperactive speech.
After a while, Sprinkles pulled Pinkie Pie to one side. “Hey, Pinks,” she said quietly. “Wanna go see a real party?”
Pinkie Pie frowned. “A real party? I thought this was a real party.”
“Come with me.” Sprinkles winked and walked towards a door tucked away in the corner
“Hmm. Okie-dokie!” Pinkie Pie said before bouncing after Sprinkles.
“What is this place?”
Pinkie Pie looked around the room. It was very dark with only a few lanterns glowing faintly in the corners. There were several ponies gathered in a circle surrounding a cauldron of thick golden liquid. The ponies had glasses containing the same substance, and were leisurely drinking it whilst lounging on faded silken cushions. The emotions on the faces ranged from pure bliss to utter depression to no emotion at all.
Sprinkles grabbed a glass from a nearby table and went to the cauldron. She dipped the glass in and drew out a generous amount, the liquid oozing over the side.
“What is that stuff?” asked Pinkie, slightly concerned.
“Pure, concentrated syrup,” Sprinkles replied as she breathed in the aroma. She closed her eyes as she slowly drank the contents of her glass, moaning softly. She pulled the glass away from her mouth and sighed, wearing a goofy grin. “Liquid sugar. Really perks you up. Try some.” She held out her glass to Pinkie.
Pinkie looked at it uncertainly. “Uh...not to sound like a party-pooper, but that seems like an awful lot of sugar for one mouthful.”
Some of the other ponies chuckled softly. “Lightweight,” one of them muttered.
“Come on, Pinkie,” said Sprinkles. “It’s not as if you’re a stranger to the sweet stuff. It’s just a little extra concentrated, is all. Don’t make us both look like idiots,” she added quietly.
“Well...,” Pinkie Pie replied, still slightly unsure but then finding some courage. “I’ve tasted stranger things.” She took the glass and drained it.
As soon as she swallowed, she felt her whole body tense. Her surroundings shimmered before her, sifting in and out, changing colour. Sound had completely disappeared, replaced by a gentle vibration that slowly travelled from her head to the tip of her tail. Her heart was beating so fast it was humming, but the rest of her was melting, as if she had become the liquid gold she had just consumed. Her mouth was filled with sweet, sparkling stars, and she allowed her mind to sink into the ever-growing abyss.
She then felt something shaking her, and she blinked several times in an effort to return to reality. “Huh?”
“Whoa there, girl,” said Sprinkles. “Easy. You need to be careful with this stuff. It’s very addictive.”
“Oh please,” Pinkie Pie replied. “If there’s one thing I can handle, it’s a little bit of sugar.” She promptly brought the glass down into the cauldron again and chugged it down.
When the three returned to Ponyville, they regaled their friends with the tale of their short excursion to Manehattan. Whilst Rarity and Rainbow Dash both believed that nothing extraordinary occurred to warrant a lengthy conversation, Pinkie Pie relished telling anyone who would listen about every millisecond of her trip, except for one part. Sprinkles had made her Pinkie Promise to keep the underground activities she participated in quiet. In return, she had put Pinkie in touch with some friends of hers, and soon Pinkie was receiving a small, mysterious bottle once every two weeks.
Though powerful, the tiny quantity could only sate Pinkie Pie for so long. Whilst desperately waiting for her next delivery, she found herself adding an extra cupcake to every meal, helping herself to a mouthful of sugar when baking, and coating her apples in caramel before consuming. Her friends noticed no change in her behaviour at first, but soon observed how she would be extremely hyperactive (more so than usual) one moment, then suddenly slump down the next, as if her energy had been sucked out by some sort of invisible leech. Whenever they voiced their concerns, she waved them off, insisting she was just a little tired and that she needed to pop back home for a quick snack.
“Do any of ya’ll know what the hay happened to Pinkie?” asked Applejack to the others. They were gathered in the council room for their weekly meeting. Pinkie Pie, as usual, was absent.
“I’ve been doing some research,” replied Twilight, levitating some books for emphasis. “It seems she’s exhibiting symptoms similar to those observed in foals when they have too much sugar. It’s commonly referred to as a ‘sugar rush’.”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “She eats sugar all the time, and it hasn’t affected her before. Well, not this much.”
“She has been eating a little more than usual lately,” mused Fluttershy.
“Indeed,” agreed Rarity. “Why, just the other day we were having a drink at the café, and instead of ordering her usual hot chocolate, she drank straight from the dispenser at the counter. Most unladylike.”
“Maybe one of us should talk to her,” said Twilight, “before this gets worse.”
Rainbow Dash snorted. “Good luck with that. She barely listens to me anymore. We haven’t pulled off a good prank in ages!”
“At least some good has come out of it,” Rarity muttered.
“I’ve been reading about something called an ‘intervention’.” Twilight levitated more books and flicked through them. “If she doesn’t improve within the next few days, I think we need to confront her about it, for the sake of her health if nothing else. Are we all in agreement?”
The others nodded, though still looked a little unsure.
“Right,” said Twilight, cheering up. “Any other news, Spike?”
The small dragon at her side began shuffling through the papers in his lap. “Well, the Mayor’s birthday is coming up, and her office would like some help organising. The Cakes have also requested some extra pony power for their contribution...”
Pinkie Pie’s face was glued to the town hall window as she gazed at the splendour on the other side. A huge array of treats lovingly set out on three tables, and at the centre a three tiered white and brown cake adorned with sugar flowers and a small model of the Mayor standing proudly at the top. She panted slightly, wondering what she would sink her teeth into first if it weren’t for the plane of glass between them.
“Hey! Sugar slave!”
Pinkie whipped round to see a blue earth pony with a green cropped mane and a whistle cutie mark. Another whistle hung around her neck along with a stop watch. Behind her stood Bulk Biceps, who was jogging on the spot. They were both wearing green tracksuits.
“I see you’re a victim of the white stuff, and like so many others are happy to bask in its empty glory,” barked the blue pony.
“YEAH!” shouted Bulk Biceps.
“But true happiness can only be reached from within, achieved through regular exercise, healthy eating and strict discipline.”
“YEAH!”
“If you want to break free of fat’s greasy hold, then join my squadron of fitness champions, and step out of the sugar’s shadow.”
“YEAH!”
Pinkie Pie looked at the flyer held out to her by the pony, titled ‘Captain Blaring Whistle’s Fitness Champions’, but didn’t take it. “Thanks, but I’m pretty sure I can handle my sugar intake,” she said politely.
Blaring Whistle raised an eyebrow. “Alright, but when you’re ready to admit you have a problem, we’ll be waiting.”
“YEAH!”
Blaring Whistle gave a sharp PHEEP on her instrument and turned to Bulk Biceps. “Three laps around Ponyville. GO!”
Pinkie Pie watched them briskly gallop away, and then rolled her eyes. “Pfft. I don’t have a problem.” She then promptly planted her face back against the window.
“There you are, Pinkie!”
Pinkie Pie growled softly, but assumed her usual cheery demeanour to greet her second interruption. “Hi, Mrs Cake! Everything ready for the Mayor’s birthday party?”
“Technically it’s a ‘celebration’, but yes. Everything seems to be ready.” Mrs Cake looked towards the door she had just exited from, and then turned back to Pinkie. “Do you think you could keep an eye on the cakes? I need to go back home and check on the twins.”
Pinkie Pie gave a salute. “You can count on me, Mrs Cake. Nothing’s more important to me than a party – err, I mean, celebration.”
Mrs Cake gave a smile of thanks. “I’m surprised they didn’t ask you to help, being the official Ponyville party pony.”
“Oh-um-I’ve just been a little...preoccupied lately,” replied Pinkie, unable to look Mrs Cake in the eye.
“Well, OK. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
As Mrs Cake trotted away, Pinkie Pie walked into the town hall and towards the conference room. All her previous uneasiness was quickly forgotten when she saw the paradise before her. The cakes glittered in the light, inviting her to come closer. She breathed in the scent as she floated towards them, and her mouth opened to prepare for the first bite.
She quickly shook her head, attempting to regain her grip on reality. “No. I told Mrs Cake I would look after them.” She started to turn her head away to lose sight of the temptation, but the icing on the main cake caught her eye. There was ever so slightly too much on the left of one of the sugar flowers which disrupted the otherwise perfect symmetry of the whole creation. Pinkie, not one to deny a dessert such as this proper respect, deftly wiped away the extra icing with her hoof.
“That’s better!” She then turned her attention to her hoof, still holding the offending piece of icing. Not wanting to spoil the spotless table cloths, she promptly licked it clean with her tongue.
“I do hope you love what we’ve prepared for you, Madam Mayor,” said Mrs Cake. She, the Mayor and Twilight were entering the entrance hall and making their way towards the conference room.
“I’m sure it will be absolutely splendid,” replied the Mayor, opening the door.
All three mouths dropped open as they surveyed the scene before them. The tables had been overturned and their contents splattered across the room as if a small tornado had somehow made its way in. In the middle was Pinkie Pie, covered in cream and sponge and gnawing on some buns. She stopped chewing to look up at the intruders. Her eyes widened and she started to gag, resulting in a large hiccup and expelling the model of the Mayor which landed at the hooves of its life-sized counterpart.
Pinkie Pie chuckled nervously and held up an éclair. “Want some?”
The six of them looked down at the pink pony, sitting ashamedly in the middle of the council room. Twilight was especially stern.
“Pinkie,” she began, “what you did was completely unacceptable, and I know you know that. Your actions have wasted time and money for both the Cakes and the town council. You’re lucky I was able to dissuade the Mayor from banishing you from Ponyville.”
Pinkie Pie didn’t move. Her shoulders were slumped, and her head low.
“You will be charged a fine,” Twilight continued, “and the Cakes have refused to take you back until you get this sugar obsession sorted.” She sighed heavily. “I just don’t know what got into you, Pinkie. It’s like...you’re not you anymore.”
Pinkie Pie’s body quivered, then a sob was heard. “You’re right,” she said eventually. “I’ve betrayed everypony’s trust, and ruined my life. I’m a terrible pony.” She slowly stood up and trudged out of the room. Spike started to get up but Twilight gently stopped him, shaking her head sadly.
It had started drizzling outside, and Pinkie Pie was alone as she wandered the streets. She glanced wistfully at the Cakes’ window as she passed it, but quickly turned her head away. She didn’t take any notice of where she was going, allowing her mind to drown itself in self pity. She soon became aware of music, thumping faintly one the other side of the road. The source was a one storey building with a wall sized window, behind which were several ponies moving to the rhythm, following instructions from the blue pony in front. Pinkie had now reached the window, and watched transfixed at what was before her, listening to the pony she recognised as Blaring Whistle.
“Harder! Do you want fat thinking you’re nothing more than pathetic, weak-minded maggots?!” she yelled. “Do you want cholesterol to believe it can just waltz in and take over your life?! Who’s gonna take a stand against laziness and submission? Who’s gonna say ‘no’ to the tyranny of flab and bulge?! Who’s gonna to rise up, and wage war against the sugar slug inside, and become the pony they were always meant to be?!”
The doors at the back of the hall burst open, revealing a drenched pink pony who shouted for all who cared to hear her. “ME!”
“Alright,” announced Twilight to the council, “the next item on the agenda is to investigate the strange teeth marks in the castle’s crystal walls.” She gave a suspicious look to Spike.
“What?” he said, sounding confused though his eyes shifted nervously.
Just then the door burst open, and they all turned their heads to see Pinkie Pie standing in the doorway, wearing a beaming smile and a green tracksuit.
“Goooooood morning, everypony!” she exclaimed as she bounced into the room.
“Oh, great,” Rainbow Dash grumbled. “She’s high on sugar again.”
“Nope!” Pinkie Pie was now springing around the thrones, using steady but powerful bounds. “I’m high on exercise, healthy dieting and endorphins produced when living the right way.”
“Huh?”
“You’ve joined some sort of fitness regime?” asked Rarity, an eyebrow raised.
“Pffft. Fitness regime,” scoffed Applejack. “Mah granny always says tha' the healthiest way ta live is three hearty meals a day an' hard work in between.”
“Yeah, and that sounds nothing like a healthy diet and exercise,” said Twilight, rolling her eyes. “Maybe this will help her get back on track. We’re all proud of you, Pinkie.”
“Oh indeed, darling.”
“Way to go, Pinkie,” added Spike.
“I’m so glad you’re glad,” said Pinkie, finally stopping her lap. “And it would be even more super-duper awesome if you’d all join me at my initiation ceremony tonight!” Her face stretched into a wide, expectant smile.
The others looked away uncertainly, murmuring. “That...could be fun,” answered Twilight eventually.
“Formation, soldiers!” barked Blaring Whistle. “We are here to welcome Pinkie Pie into our fold, so she too can shake off the chains of unhealthy living, and become a Champion of Fitness!”
The congregation stomped their hooves, and Bulk Biceps gave his usual “YEAH!”
“Pinkie Pie, step forward!”
Pinkie started to zoom to the front, but then remembered the sobriety of the ceremony and proceeded to instead walk proudly with her head held high, though still shaking with excitement.
Blaring Whistle held out a dark blue book which Pinkie put her hoof upon.
“Pinkie Pie,” Blaring Whistle started, slightly quieter than usual, “do you reject sugar, and all of its empty promises?”
“Uh huh!” Pinkie replied, nodding. “Err - I mean - I do.”
“Will you take your five-a-day and correctly sized portions of the main food groups?”
“I will.”
“Will you perform you daily exercises and push yourself to exceed your physical limitations?”
“I will.”
“And do you swear to keep and uphold everything our cause stands for, and become a true Champion of Fitness, or otherwise be dragged down into a dark realm to be tormented by those evils you failed to fight?”
“Yeesh, when did fitness classes get so serious?” Spike muttered.
“I do.”
"Sign here." Blaring Whistle gestured to a document lying on a small table behind them. Pinkie took the pen next to it and signed.
“Congratulations. You are now a Champion of Fitness.”
The entire room cheered and stomped their hooves, and Pinkie Pie’s friends’ shouts of jubilation struggled to be heard over the roar.
“You have taken your first steps to becoming the pony you were always meant to be,” Blaring Whistle continued with a warm smile. “NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!”
There was a blast from her whistle, and everyone fell to the floor and began their push ups. The guests had also joined in without realising.
“Couldn’t we – start off – with some – gentle yoga – stretches?” puffed Rarity. She and Twilight were struggling with the sudden physical exertion, whereas Fluttershy sounded as if she couldn’t get enough oxygen, her terror of Blaring Whistle the only thing keeping her going.
“It’s not that bad,” said Spike, managing to keep a steady pace. “I guess moving Twilight’s books all day builds up your stamina.”
“Spike’s right. This is easy!” boasted Rainbow Dash, her left hoof on her back. “I could do this all night.”
Applejack snorted. “Yeah, right. Ah bet y’all give up after fifty.”
“Pfft. As if! You wouldn’t last thirty!”
“That a challenge?” asked Applejack, smirking.
“First to admit defeat is the loser. Ready? 3...2...”
PHEEP!
They both jumped at the sound of the whistle. “This is not a game. You will not insult everypony’s efforts by turning this work into a trivial competition. Both of you will do forty sit-ups. No more, no less. NOW!” Blaring Whistle blew again and Rainbow Dash and Applejack obediently followed her orders.
“As for the rest of you, pick up the pace! You call this reaching your potential?” She pointed at Fluttershy who had collapsed, her chest heaving. “You want to be a pathetic weakling for the rest of your life?”
“Oh, I don’t really mind...,” she quietly replied.
“You are all pathetic, surrendering before the battle’s even started! You cannot let fatigue overcome you, or else you slip back into laziness’ sickly embrace!”
Applejack rolled her eyes at her last statement.
Blaring Whistle noticed this. “You don’t think I’m serious? Exercise those pupils. Give me twenty eye rolls!”
“Wha-?”
“GIVE ME TWENTY EYE ROLLS!”
Applejack quickly complied, absolutely terrified.
“No half rolls! Start over!”
They were finally released after two hours of hard exercise and whistle blasts. They stood outside the building, massaging their muscles and ears and gulping down as much water as their throats would allow. The only one who seemed to have any energy left was Pinkie Pie.
“Wasn’t that great?” she said as she leapt around the group. “I finally feel like myself again, but even better than before!”
“Well, I’m glad somepony enjoyed themselves,” grumbled Rarity as she weakly tidied her mane.
“Sooooooo,” began Pinkie with a huge smile, “can we expect any more new recruits?”
The others stiffened and looked at each other. “Err...,” they all started.
“Ah’m mighty busy on the farm, so Ah don’t think Ah’ll have much time fer this.”
“Spike and I are still organising the castle.”
“I can’t leave my animals alone for too long.”
“I have a lot of work coming in from some important clients.”
“Aaaaand...I have stuff to do.”
“Aww. That’s a shame,” replied Pinkie Pie, “but I understand. Ooh, look at the time! I need to go back and have a wind down before going to bed. You should probably get some rest too.” She hopped joyfully away towards Sugar Cube Corner.
“Well,” said Twilight, watching her retreating form, “at least she’s not overloading on sugar.”
The first few days went well. Everyone was satisfied that Pinkie Pie had gotten back to her normal self and wouldn’t be a threat to any future catering events. They were happy that she was happy, and listened to her cheerful retellings of past sessions with quiet content. Of course, this could only last for so long. Her incessant babbling about the wonders of Blaring Whistle soon became tiresome, and that wasn’t the only way Pinkie expressed her obsession over her new lifestyle.
Those residents whose daily lives started at or before the crack of dawn had their chores disrupted by Pinkie Pie’s early morning run through Ponyville. Mid afternoon naps in the park were no longer safe since Pinkie had made it her mission to motivate would-be slumberers to keep their energy levels up. And though she had no malicious intent, she would often comment on the amount of chocolate and sweets her acquaintances consumed.
One day, Mrs Cake caught Pinkie replacing her wares with confection of her own design: sugar-free baked goods stuffed with carrots, broccoli and other vegetables. Mrs Cake explained that she understood Pinkie’s good intentions, but she shouldn’t interfere with their wares without consulting her or Mr Cake first. Pinkie Pie then proceeded to lecture the baker on how food stuffed with sugar and fat were fuelling ponies’ dependence on outside sources for satisfaction, and how they needed to take a stand against unhealthy snacks and all their evil. Mrs Cake proclaimed she could not take any more of Pinkie’s meddling, and suspended her from work, although Pinkie Pie didn’t seem to care as it meant she had more time to exercise and encourage others to do the same.
Her antics inevitably led to another council meeting.
“Why do all our recent meetings seem to be about Pinkie Pie?” sighed Rarity. “And where’s Spike?”
“He should be here,” said Twilight throwing an irritated look towards the entrance. “He knows the schedule.”
“Yeah, anyway,” said Rainbow Dash, “how are we supposed to fix Pinkie this time?”
“Does she really need fixing?” Fluttershy piped up. "She seems happy, and she’s not causing too much damage.”
“Fluttershy, she stole your chickens and forced them to go jogging with her!”
“I’m sure she didn’t mean any harm by it.”
“She constantly invades the spa,” interjected Rarity.
“She destroyed Granny Smith’s pies, an’ claimed she was doin’ us a favour!”
“She keeps waking me up!”
“Stop!” yelled Twilight. “I get enough complaints already from everypony in Ponyville.” She breathed in, and out. “I know this is difficult, but it’s better than when she was harming herself. We can’t let that happen again.”
“If only there were a way to get the old Pinkie Pie back,” said Fluttershy. “The old old one I mean.”
“The old old Pinkie Pie liked sugar,” mused Applejack, “but no more than her friends.”
“Perhaps we could combine the two,” suggested Rarity. “A social gathering where she could enjoy sweet things in the company of her friends. A tea party!”
“Or something that’s not completely boring,” said Rainbow Dash, an idea coming to her head. “There’s an expo in Manehattan that’s nothing but cake, chocolate and candy! The Sweet Sugar Spectacular! We take Pinkie Pie to that thing, and within an hour she’ll be back to her usual non-nap-interrupting self!”
“I don’t know,” Twilight replied doubtfully. “Like Fluttershy said, she’s not doing any harm. Is it really worth the risk?”
Their heads turned as they heard small claws patter into the room.
“Spike, where have you been?” Twilight’s annoyed face turned into one of shock as she watched him walk in wearing a tracksuit and a sweat band on his head.
“Oh, sorry Twilight," he replied. “I’m gonna have to skip this meeting. Pinkie’s taking me to her fitness club. She’s really inspired me. Maybe you should come too? You’ve kinda been overdoing it on the truffles lately.” He pointed at her stomach.
Twilight’s eyes widened, and she seemed unable to do anything but stare at Spike in horror. Eventually, she turned back to Rainbow Dash with a serious look on her face.
“I’ll get VIP passes.”
A few days later, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Gummy were strolling down the streets of Manehattan. Rainbow Dash insisted that she would lead the ‘mission’ since it was her idea, and Rarity decided to tag along as she wasn’t able to accomplish all that she wanted last time. Pinkie Pie had leaped at the idea of going to Manehattan, seeing it as an opportunity to spread Blaring Whistle’s message of healthy living, and she had brought Gummy so he could keep up with his exercises.
“I'm so excited!” she kept saying as she bounced. “I can’t believe Twilight asked us to represent her at a cultural event! Well, actually I can, since we’re her friends and part of her council, but still! I’ll be able to tell everypony about the wonders of exercise and sensible dieting and-”
“OK, we’re here,” announced a relieved Rainbow Dash.
“Oh boy!" said Pinkie Pie when she arrived in front of the double doors. “I-.” Her joyful expression vanished as she read the banner above: The Sweet Sugar Spectacular! Every dessert imaginable under one roof!
“Come on, Pinkie, let's go!” said Rainbow Dash as she dragged the paralyzed Pinkie Pie into the building.
The hall was decorated with sweeping pink sheets draped from the ceiling that glistened as if coated with sugar crystals. The floor was filled with hundreds of tables lined neatly in rows stretched as far as the eye could see, each adorned with some sort of wonderment. Lollipop trees, chocolate sculptures, gummy animals, beach ball-sized gobstoppers, cakes that looked that pies, pies that looked that cakes and a paddling pool filled with multi-coloured whipped cream.
Pinkie Pie’s eyes darted wildly and she eventually recovered her ability to speak. “This - this is -”
“The greatest thing you ever saw?” suggested Rainbow Dash, nudging Pinkie’s side.
“A house of evil!” Pinkie finally exclaimed. “Sugar and fat glorified to a hideous degree!”
“A tad overdramatic, don’t you think?” said Rarity, examining the closest stall. “Ooh! Authentic Trottingham chocolate! I hear they use extra cocoa.”
Pinkie Pie leaned slightly towards the chocolate before violently shaking her head. “Chocolate bars are no better than lead bars!” she reminded herself.
“Hey, look!” Rainbow Dash waved a stick of gum in front of Pinkie’s face. “Flavour-changing bubblegum!”
Pinkie Pie’s eyes filled with awe before they were squeezed shut. “Gum destroys gums!”
“Smell these truffles. They’re simply divine.” Rarity offered a plate to Pinkie who quickly clomped her hooves over her nose.
“Hey, Pinkie. I dare you to jump in the cream pool,” whispered Rainbow Dash.
“Stop it!” Pinkie Pie yelled. “I can’t let myself succumb to temptation. No matter how tasty...” She looked longingly at a cherry-topped cake then shook her head again. “I have a healthy life-style now. I’ve worked too hard to throw it all away.”
“Exactly! You deserve a break. Cut loose and enjoy yourself!”
“Think of it as...positive reinforcement. A reward for doing so well.”
“He’s got the right idea." Rainbow Dash pointed to Gummy who was leisurely chewing on a liquorice stick.
“Would any of you young ladies care to try a Caramel Bite?” A vendor came up to them holding a tray of small golden sweets, neatly arranged.
“Come on, Pinkie,” encouraged Rainbow Dash. “One won’t hurt.”
Pinkie Pie looked doubtful, though her gaze never left the tray. “Well...”
Within ten minutes, Pinkie had sampled every stall in the convention proclaiming that each treat was the greatest thing she had ever tasted until she moved on to the next one. She was now doing the back-crawl in the cream pool, joined by several other ponies who had caught her contagious enthusiasm.
“It looks like Pinkie Pie’s finally back to normal,” said Rainbow Dash happily, leaning against a nearby table and sipping a milkshake.
“Indeed,” said Rarity. “I’m so glad it’s all over.”
“Me too!” added Pinkie Pie, who had bounced over to them. “I forgot how awesome and fun desserts can be! I’m never giving them up again!”
“And the fitness thing...?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“It was kinda fun,” replied Pinkie, taking off her sweatband and looking at it wistfully, “in its own way. But I shoulda realised it could never fully replace my sweet tooth.” With that, she flung the band away and grabbed a marshmallow-stuffed doughnut.
No one noticed the sweatband bubble and melt into a puddle of fizzy pop.
After the convention had finished, the ponies stopped by the hotel they were staying at. Rarity was going to catch a show that evening and Rainbow Dash planned to check out the local night-life. Pinkie Pie declined both invitations to come along as she said she had a lot of ‘catching up’ to do. This involved locking Gummy and herself in her room to gorge on the goods she had managed to smuggle out of the convention.
She lay beneath a mountain of sweets on her bed, slowly working her way through a two-foot long chocolate bar. She had been devouring sweet things all day, but now she wanted to properly savour the sensation. She giggled to herself. She had been silly to be so afraid of her favourite foods. The syrup from Sprinkles was a mistake, but that didn’t mean that she had to completely deny herself what she loved so much.
There was a knock at the door. “That must be room service with my cinnamon rolls!” Pinkie Pie climbed out of the heap, bounced to the door and opened it. A red light filled the room from behind a black figure. This was definitely not room service.
However, Pinkie Pie was unfazed. “Hi there!” she greeted cheerfully. “What’re you doing –”
There was a snap, and Pinkie fell to the floor, snoring. She didn’t hear the evil laugh approaching her.
The following morning, Rarity and Rainbow Dash gasped as they saw Pinkie Pie’s door wide open. They hesitantly poked their heads in and, after nervously calling Pinkie’s name, went in.
“Goodness!” Rarity exclaimed, surveying the mess before her. “What happened?”
“Seems she went a little overboard with the sweets,” replied Rainbow Dash, starting to rummage through the mounds. She jumped when Gummy suddenly stuck his snout out in front of her. The alligator blinked a few times, then very slowly removed himself from the mess and walked towards the door.
“You don’t suppose he knows where she is?” asked Rarity.
“It’s our only lead right now.” Rainbow Dash stood directly behind Gummy and stuck out her hoof. “Alright, Gummy! Lead us to Pinkie Pie!” She looked back down at the reptile which had only managed to travel a few millimetres. “This may take a while.”
Pinkie Pie groaned and rubbed her head as she came-to. Her eyes slowly opened but then went wide as she surveyed her surroundings. She was lying on a purple grassy outcrop in a huge cavern. The walls were covered in several different patterns of swirls, tartan and polka dots which clashed violently where two themes met. Deformed candy canes stuck out of the walls at various points, some of them curling and uncurling as if they were breathing. The ceiling was filled with cotton candy clouds that thundered ominously, with flying pizzas whizzing around in flocks occasionally getting stuck in the pink goo. In the middle of the cavern was a giant cauldron filled with a bubbling, thick orange liquid. Surrounding this were several other outcrops which each had a few ponies screaming at some hard-to-see terror, supervised by animated gummy bears brandishing pointed bananas.
Just in front of Pinkie were two feet: a lizard’s and a goat’s. She looked up and soon met the eyes of Discord.
“Welcome, Pinkie Pie,” he said, spreading his arms wide, “to Chaosland!”
“Chaosland?” she asked curiously.
“Yes, my humble abode where I reside and perform my duties for ponykind.”
“Duties?”
“Yes, that’s why you’re here.” He conjured a piece of paper into his claw and a pair of reading glasses appeared on his face. “According to this contract you signed, you promised to ‘keep and uphold everything the cause stands for, become a true Champion of Fitness, or otherwise be dragged down into a dark realm to be tormented by those evils you failed to fight’. After what happened at the convention, you failed to keep up your side of the deal, so I’m here to provide said evils.”
“Wait. You work for Blaring Whistle’s Fitness Champions?”
“As part of my reformation pact Celestia forced me into ‘community service’,” he answered in a disgusted voice. “Originally it was reading to the elderly, but after I caused one too-many heart attacks... Anyway, now I’ve been assigned to help ponies see the error of their ways, and Blaring Whistle’s club is one of my clients.”
Pinkie Pie blinked. “But you can’t! I mean, you’re a good guy now, and we’re friends!”
“Sorry, my dear,” Discord replied, folding his arms and holding his head high, “but you know what they say: business before pleasure.” A ghost of a smirk flashed on his face for a millisecond. “Come on. Right this way and we can begin your torture and eternal damnation.”
After a few minutes of very slowly shuffling behind Gummy, Rainbow Dash instead took to carrying the alligator several feet forward, dropping him, then watching to see which direction he turned. Eventually they arrived at the entrance to an abandoned amusement park which according to the faded sign was once known as ‘Crazy Spinner’s Land of Excitement!’
“Hey! I remember this place!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “My dad took me here a few times when I was younger. It shut down when one of the rides when out of control. They think some ponies are still in orbit.”
“But why would Pinkie come here?” asked Rarity.
“Let’s find out.” The two mares galloped into the park, Rainbow Dash carrying Gummy and following the direction his head was pointed. This lead them into a Hall of Mirrors, most of them smashed thanks to vandals that had broken in over the years. The one at the end of the hall was the most distorted of all and completely intact. On top of the mirror was a small picture of a tornado.
Rainbow Dash and Rarity for whatever reason seemed drawn to the mirror. They walked up to it and squinted at their reflections, tall, thin and crooked. Rainbow Dash set Gummy down and brushed her hoof along the mirrors surface. The glass suddenly shimmered and melted away, revealing an opening to a realm of pink clouds, soda waterfalls and warrior gummy bears. Here and there were ponies subjected to some sort of surreal torture. One pale blue unicorn was being viciously tickled by several floating feathers, his mouth wide open with mad laughter and his eyes filled with anguish.
“What is this place,” gasped Rarity, quivering with shock.
“I don’t know,” said Rainbow Dash, shaking herself in an attempt to regain focus, “but if Pinkie’s in there-”
She was cut off as a trapdoor opened beneath them and she and Rarity fell through the void. Gummy, who was ever so slightly to the side of where the trapdoor appeared, blinked slowly in surprise.
“We have a record of all your contract violations,” said Discord, conjuring a long list that trailed to the floor, “and have devised suitable punishments for each and every one.”
“Who’s ‘we’?” asked Pinkie Pie, pulling her attention away from a green floating cow.
“Just a saying. Gives the situation a greater feeling of foreboding. Isn’t that right, Maestro?”
He gestured to a life-sized clockwork model of wooden puppet monkeys, all wearing band uniforms and holding instruments. The conductor turned to Discord with jittering movements, bowed to him, then turned back to the orchestra and tapped his baton. The band started playing.
“Ooh! I love songs!” exclaimed Pinkie, settling herself in a comfortable position and grabbing a stick of gum growing from a nearby bush. Before it reached her mouth, Discord snatched it and crushed into powder before donning a top hat and cane.
He then started singing.
“Gum is bad, we won’t allow it,
Blowing bubbles here is strictly banned.”
He took an air pump from somewhere and shoved the tube into Pinkie’s mouth. Before she could react he began to work the air pump with great enthusiasm.
“You won’t have a care,
When you’re pumped up full of air
That’s what we do here in Chaosland!”
The now fully inflated Pinkie Pie flew off the air pump with a loud raspberry and zoomed around the cavern until she eventually crash landed in front of a bowl filled with assorted chocolate bars. She was about to reach in and grab as many as she could, when Discord’s face popped out of the pile. The bars floated around him and he examined the ingredients lists on them.
“Cocoa, sugar, yeast and fat,
And gelatinised triglycerin,
Eating up your insides.
All that’s left to decide,
Is the best way to discipline!”
He snatched the nearest chocolate bar and transformed it into a paper aeroplane. He took aim at Pinkie’s head and let it fly. She narrowly dodged the aeroplane and looked behind her to see a dartboard covered with what looked like childrens’ drawings of medieval punishments, one of which the aeroplane was embedded in.
“Ooh! Chocolate covered Pie! Delightful!” Discord snapped his fingers and suddenly Pinkie was suspended by a rope around her middle over a pool of melted chocolate.
“Was just a tad,” she started to explain before being dunked into the chocolate and brought out again.
“Let me guess, you were coerced?” replied Discord, unimpressed with her excuse.
“I can't really be all that bad,” Pinkie tried again before another dunking.
“Of all deserters, you’re the worst.” Discord waved his hand and Pinkie went flying into the wall. She slid down, leaving a trail of chocolate behind her, and wiped the substance out of her eyes.
“Then can I just say that my metabolism’s very fast,” Pinkie sang with a pleading smile.
“Your consumption rate is unsurpassed!” Several charts and figures appeared behind Discord, covered with huge question marks.
“Is that really such a big surprise?” Pinkie shrugged.
“You know we’re discussing your demise?” replied Discord with a raised eyebrow. He pulled a nearby lever which opened a trapdoor beneath them.
Pinkie landed on a doctor’s bench, and Discord soon appeared wearing a white coat and stethoscope. He began reading off a clipboard.
“Greasy skin, obesity,
Type II diabetes down the line.”
A dark space to Pinkie’s left was suddenly illuminated by a bright spotlight which revealed the Party Crashers who also joined the song.
“It’s a fight you cannot win,
’Cause here there is no insulin!”
The lead singer performed a forward flip and slid to the front of the stage on her back knees.
“Our world tour’s comin’ soon to Lichtenstein!”
Meanwhile, Rarity and Rainbow Dash were travelling down a slide, deeper and deeper into the pit below. Rarity was not enjoying herself.
“I don’t like this,” she complained.
“We have to find her, have no fear,” Rainbow Dash said back.
“Prob’ly thinks this place is bliss.”
“It’s our fault she’s trapped in here.”
“We could go back and catch Les Mis.”
“Come on Rarity, please don’t whine.
I’m sure that everything will turn out fine.
Just sit back, enjoy the ride.” Rainbow leaned back leisurely, putting her hooves behind her head.
“My mane is getting filthy from this slide!” Rarity complained, refusing to relax.
Pinkie Pie was now seated in front of a conveyor belt, various items sliding past her as Discord listed them.
“Gorging on cakes, pies and doughnuts,
All washed down with full fat double cream.”
The last item jumped and planted itself into Pinkie’s face. She wiped it from her eyes to see Discord and his gummy bear minions looming towards her.
“You’ve had your final fling,
Should’ve stuck to dieting,
Now begins the torture dizzying,
Eternity with someone who can’t sing,
Trapped forever here in Chaosland!”
At this last line, Discord jumped into the air with his arms spread wide, conjuring an assortment of fireworks and confetti.
“Of course, that’s just for starters.”
A couple of shouts made them turn their heads to see Rainbow Dash and Rarity fall out of a nearby pipe.
As soon as she recovered, Rainbow Dash rushed over to Pinkie Pie. “Pinkie! Are you alright?”
“Super! This place is amazing! Everything’s made of balloons and candy and there was even a song!”
“Alright, you ruffian,” said Rarity as she joined them, “we are taking Pinkie back whether you like it or not!”
“Sorry,” replied Discord indignantly, folding his arms. “She signed the contract, so she must remain here.”
“When did you start caring about contracts?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“When I found out how delightfully annoying they can be to others,” Discord answered, smirking.
“Are you sure you’ve reformed?” asked Rarity, an eyebrow raised.
“Hey, I’m just following the script.” He shrugged and a slim book appeared in his paw. “Now, just sign this fiddle contest waiver and be on your way.” The book was quickly replaced with a single sheet of paper and a pen.
Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes in confusion. “Fiddle contest?”
Discord rolled his eyes and sighed. “The terms laid down in the treaty between Captain Blaring Whistle's Fitness Champions and the State of Chaosland requires me to tell you that if either of you two can beat me in a fiddle contest, your sugar dependant friend can go free. Plus you also win a solid gold fiddle.”
“Wouldn’t a solid gold instrument be impossible to play?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“It’s really just something to put on the mantle place.” Discord conjured up the fiddle, holding it in the light so it sparkled. “It also has a built-in toaster.” He demonstrated by giving it a small tap and catching the piece of toast that flew out.
“Do you know how to play that thing,” Rainbow Dash whispered to Rarity.
“No. But I did have a grandmother who owned a piano.” Rarity turned back to Discord. “What happens if we lose?”
“You’ll receive a free ‘I love Chaosland’ hat. And I’ll probably - I don't know - eat one of you or something. Um, her!” He pointed at Rainbow Dash, and her eyes widened in horror.
“If we must,” Rarity sighed dramatically. Rainbow Dash gaped at her.
“Wonderful!” Discord exclaimed, jumping into the air. He positioned the fiddle, and began to play. The bow’s movements were nimble and precise, giving a jolly, complicated tune but with a sinister undertone. Eventually extra arms with extra bows joined in to add to the extravagance.
“Wow! He’s good!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, oblivious to the looks of despair on her friends’ faces.
When he had finished, Discord held out the fiddle, wearing a triumphant smile. “Your turn.”
Rarity took the instrument in her hooves, and after clearing her throat, began to play. The sound produced was made up of various pitches of screeching, and it caused the other two mares to cover their ears and grit their teeth. Rarity soon also found it too painful to bear, and stopped playing. Discord chuckled.
“Right. My turn!” said Rainbow Dash, grabbing the fiddle. She then used it to smack Discord on the top of his head, the right side of his face and under his jaw. Caught completely unawares, he slumped to the floor with his tongue sticking out and a few mini Discords dancing about his head.
“Oh dear!” cried Rarity, snatching the now heavily dented fiddle from Rainbow Dash. She caressed the instrument. “I’m sure a good goldsmith can repair most of the damage.”
“Come on!” The pegasus scooped up her friends and zoomed through the cavern, searching for an exit. She soon found one: a small hole in the ceiling. She raced towards it.
Below, Discord was rubbing his tender head with his paw, but when he saw the three ponies about to escape, he growled angrily.
“Get them!” The gummy warriors commandeered passing-by flying pizzas and used them to chase the escaping mares. Discord also took off.
“You need to go faster, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity shouted as she noticed the army rapidly catching up with them, and their exit gradually shrinking.
“I might be able to if you drop the stupid gold violin!” she angrily replied through her teeth.
“Oh, right. Sorry.” Rarity chuckled sheepishly as she let go of the fiddle, which hit Discord squarely between the eyes.
With the load significantly lessened, Rainbow Dash managed to fly through the hole before it disappeared. All three ponies took a deep breath of the fresh air surrounding them, and let it out in a sigh of relief.
“I can’t believe you guys managed to find and rescue me!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed happily. “I wish there was a way to make it up to you two.”
“Just promise to watch your sugar intake from now on, OK Pinkie?” said Rainbow Dash.
“Oh look! Sweet Tooth’s Candy Emporium! Can we make a quick stop there, please? Please?!”
Rarity sighed. “Some things never change.”
