Rainbow Rocks: Devil Worship is Magic

by Theobservantpilgrim

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Mr. Cake, Human, Main 6, Mrs. Cake, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 4733

Learning to play an instrument, any instrument, takes a lot more than a montage to do. And with the music contest coming up, our mane six heroines from Equestria Girls need to figure out a way to do just that, at any cost.

You can't just pick up an instrument and instantly become talented at it! And some skills don't transfer over to others. I'm looking at you Missy Keytar! Unfortunately, our favorite humans who share pony counterparts only realize this at a time when they really need the skills and quick. So obviously they're going to do what any good musician would do: Try and make a deal with Old Scratch to give them sick rock skills. Turns out it's a lot easier than you'd think, but harder than you'd hope.

Please be warned that this story contains a large number of spoilers for the Rainbow Rocks upcoming feature film presentation. At least, it will contain a number of the elements as illustrated in the hardback Rainbow Rocks novella.

Also, this story is presented by your humble narrator: Tour Guide Nixon.

Published 2014-08-25 22:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-04 17:53:05 UTC

Chapter 0: Introduction

“And coming up on your left is an attraction that the young folks are sure to enjoy, the Devil’s Pit!” Said the bulldog-faced elderly Californian to a group he was providing a tour to.

One of the younger members, however, wasn’t as excited. “Pfft, what’s so cool about a stupid hole?”

And so the man with a nose that looked ever the most obscene yanked up the scoffing youth by his collar and started shaking him. “Because you young folks love the devil! All yous with your hoola-hoops and your fresh fries! You’re all in league with Belphegor the prince of toilets!”

“Yo man, chillaxalot!”

After some work from a few of the other members of the tour group who separated the two, the tour guide straightened up his clothes and hiked up his shorts. “I swear, it’s all because of that rock and roll that’s giving you all your grandstanding and ideas for sinful clothes that show off ankles. You don’t see the Soviets listening to that lyrical garbage and look at them! Dressed in head to toe in bed sheets.”

“Mister Nixon?” A little girl holding an enormous lolli skipped out from the crowd and approached the perturbed ex-president.

“Why, what is it little missy?”

“Why is rock and roll related to Satan?”

“Ah, now there’s a fine young girl. Unlike the rest of you, this one’s got a good head on her shoulders. Well brace yourself, because I’ve got one heckuva story to tell the lot of you. A horrible tale about a group of six teenagers who band together for the sake of Rock and Roll. And believe me, you’ll know by the end why the Prince of Darkness is responsible for your Buddy Hollies, Ducks, and your Justin Biebers.”

At the mention of the last name the entire crowd shuddered, and so the tone was set for the story about to unfold. “This story is called My Little Satan: Devil Worship is Magic.”

Author's Note

The full name of this story is actually "My Little Satan: Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks: Devil Worship is Magic"

Chapter 1: Friday

The room was charred by the darkness. It was as though what light tried to enter the room was vanquished by the overwhelming abundance of the shadows residing within. And she was but all too prepared for this dwelling of black. She was clad in cloth that she dare not be seen in public, yet these sheltered her from the elements of the room. Her star-pattern onesie pajamas were all she needed for the moment.

“Twilight, it’s seven A.M. wake up! Hurry up and come downstairs,” called out her mother to the room. Yet not even a rustle was to be had. So the mother hurried her way up the stairs, for the occasion was most important. “Twilight Sparkle, do you know what day it is?”

And finally, one last snort and she lifted her head from a puddle of salivacious fluid on the pillow and adjusted her sleeping cap. “Friday?” She inquired to her mother.

“Yes, Friday. And what were you supposed to do on Friday?”

“Buzuh?” Her mother then burst into the room and drew back the curtains to illuminate the floor of books scattered about. Twilight’s eyes flew open when one particularly annoying ray of light splayed itself on her face and she was up in but a moment. “Oh criminy, it’s the school springtime carnival!”

“That’s right, so hurry on to school. Understood?”

“I was supposed to meet my friends there already! Ah jeez, I hope they didn’t do anything big without me.”

So after a few hours, given that Twilight’s house was way out of town and the school-bus driver had a bad case of . . . Well I won’t say what because that’s his own business. But the point is Twilight got to school late, which she only knew upon the sight of a parked cute convertible and two motor scooters that belonged to her friends. Meanwhile, her friends were goofing around at the festival, taking selfies, and making a very well coordinated dance and song routine like a bunch of hussies. She decided to go ahead and let them go on with it, after all when people get together for a musical number it’s just common sense not to go along with it because someone always ends up getting a bit part, and she’d be that person.

Whilst in her hiding place, she made note of all the progress currently taken for the springtime festivities. There were an assortment of mandatory carnival rides such as one of them death coasters, the big death wheel, and a carousel. Of death! Not to mention but from the looks of it two of her more competitive friends certainly went out of their way to test out the games, leaving few of them intact. And the food there was bountiful indeed, until one particular glutton with pink hair gobbled just about all of it up.

She was about to approach them when she was beat to the chase by the local disk wizard, DJ Pon-3, who was likely another hussy. She tried her best to spy on them, but she couldn’t figure out what they were saying. Whatever it was, it was clear the girls were overjoyed at the prospect. Eventually, the witch of sound-waves got on with her day with an extra swag to her walk and was immediately replaced by Twilight Sparkle.

“Hey sugarcube, we just got done testing out the carnival games,” greeted the apple-rancher Applejack in a cowboy hat.

She was then interrupted by some girl with bizarre rainbow colored hair. I’d think her name was Tootie Fruity but everyone I know called her Rainbow Dash. “Which, by the way, I totally won.”

“Hush now,” Applejack scolded before turning to her newly arrived friend. “So Twilight, where’ve you been?”

“I slept in, so I’m real sorry I’m late. Did I miss anything?”

“Well,” Applejack paused, thinking how to put it in delicate terms.

Pinkie Pie, the friend with the blue eyes, popped right out of nowhere and shouted “We’re going to make a band!”

Twilight cocked her head out of absolute genuine befuddlement. “Say what now?”

“Well that wonderful person happened by and invited us to perform at the Spring Fling. And we thought it would be simply darling to take this chance,” Rarity, the best dressed member of the group, answered.

“I understand that. How many of you play instruments?”

Rainbow Dash, as always, was the fastest to answer. “I can play the guitar!”

“Oh, really?”

“Okay, I have a guitar.”

“Alright.” She then turned to her more stylish acquaintance. “Rarity?”

“A lady must pride herself on humility,” she began, presenting herself with an incense of flair. “But I must say I do play the piano quite well.”

“And you have a piano?”

“Well, 'have' is such a delicate term, one of which that implies ownership. I mean, I know where one is, but it’s dreadfully heavy and should I request help from some strapping young man then the police shall surely arrive. And I truly do not wish to deal with the local law enforcement with regards to a stolen musical instrument.”

“Well, Applejack, what’s wrong with you?”

“Beg your pardon?”

“These things never go by in groups of two. What instrument do you play?”

“Now I resent the implication that something’s a matter with me. Matter of fact, I got me a good bass back at home that I can play with the best of them.”

Now this was perhaps the most unusual thing stated, for all the girls just stared at Applejack with dull faces.

“Alright, well Applejack you might have saved this show yet.”

“Well come on Twilight, just because we don’t know now doesn’t mean we can’t learn. Why, just afore you got here I said we could do anything with the magic of friendship.”

“Yeah, that’s great but have you seen the Diamond Dog Boys? If we enter we probably won’t stand a chance.”

“It’s not a competition Twilight.”

“Then let’s make it a competition!” Shouted Rainbow Dash who jumped into the fray with pumped up fists.

“Rainbow Dash is right, but for the wrong reasons. If we go up on stage and play bad enough, we might be run out of town. Remember what happened when Weird Al swung by and he was ripping off the songs of Cheese Sandwich?”

Everybody looked away nervously, as the mention of this brought up painful memories of a legitimate tar and feathering in public. It was not pleasant.

“So we really need to crack down and study as much as we can. Is everyone with me?”

“Um, Twilight?” Squeaked their meek companion who at this point had remained silent.

“What is it Fluttershy?” Twilight asked with a degree of light frustration at a universal cheer being denied.

“I really don’t want to be in this band.” Is what she should have said, especially after that whole time she spent as a model. But what she in reality said was “Oh um, I just needed a little help with something. Rarity, would you mind helping me later?”

“But of course dear. For now, though, let us give a hoorah for our new band!”

And with this final commitment they gave three cheers and ventured from then on out to meet again at a later date with their progress.

Author's Note

Fun Fact: Twilight Sparkle, as should be obvious, doesn't appear in Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks. This story is why she was censored from that story, despite being prominently featured on the front cover.

Also the title and start of the story is a direct reference to the Rebecca Black song "Friday"

Chapter 2: Come As You Are

At a later date, the girls gathered yet again at the fairgrounds, which were relatively untouched since the last meeting and was only made more lovely in the grand sunny day, to discuss the progress of how things were going. Of course the location served as an odd juxtaposition to the girls who were in varying states of disarray. All except for Twilight, of course, who had been studying lyrical and vocal talents which left her virtually unharmed.

“Jeez, you all look like you’ve been through alot. So how much progress have you all made?”

The technicolor teenager, Rainbow Dash, opened up with a victorious proclamation. “I beat Trixie in a shred-off!”

“Really? That’s great! How did you do it?”

“Well I started playing and then I transformed and then I won.”

Twilight blinked several times before accepting that what she heard was true. “You changed into your, um, pony form?”

“Duh. I mean, Trixie had some good skills, but there was no way she could compete with the best.”

“Dash,” Twilight said flatly and held her friend by the shoulders. “That’s cheating. We’re not going to be cheating.” With this said, her rainbow associate nodded in compliance. Then she turned to the rest of her friends. “Alright, so how many of you also cheated?”

You know how many hands went up? Every. Single. One. Indeed, even the timid Fluttershy had her hand up sheepishly.

“Fluttershy, not you too!”

She flinched at this exclamation and tried to conjure an excuse. “Well, you see, me and Rarity had some trouble with the hamsters.”

“Hamsters? Rarity, what is she talking about?” Twilight’s sight shifted to Rarity, whose eyes were figuratively frozen and was wearing tatters of her formerly jewel-adorned dress and was covered in an assortment of bandages on any exposed limbs she had.

Before she could ask what happened, Rarity in a pure deadpan voice stated “The hamsters. So few survived. Carl Pettington was one of the few who lived through the hamstercaust. They bit, and clawed, and,” She broke down to tears and fell to her knees. “Please don’t make me live through it again!”

“Okay, okay, settle down.” Twilight hung her head in defeat. “Great, Rarity’s down and out.”

Speaking of whom, she just so happened to pop up and wiped off the ever so dreadful dust off her clothes. “Oh, not at all. In fact, I happened to acquire the piano with little issue.”

Again, absolute surprise from one of her friends. “Rarity, that’s great! Do you think you’ll be okay to play on stage?”

Rarity waved off any doubts of the contrary. “Oh darling, have a little faith. I may have some compassion for those abhorrent rodents but I have far too much love for my friends to abandon them. Plus as long as the Little Richard museum doesn’t investigate, we shall be just fine.”

“Fantastic! In that case, we still might be able to salvage this.” Twilight wiped off her drenched forehead with the back of her hand and turned to her ever so rustic friend. “So Applejack, how’s the practice coming along?”

“Yeah, about that? I got some bad news.”

And again with another tense situation. “Alright, I’m going to give this a chance. What’s wrong?”

“My granny hocked the bass at a yard sale,” Applejack admitted while guiltily scratching the back of her neck.

Twilight tried to form a reaction through words, but all that escaped her mouth was a breathless “Gufuh?” She then pinched her nose to try and regain her composure and formed a more coherent sentence. “Alright, we can fix this. We just have to get a new bass, no sweat.”

“Which means I didn’t have the chance to practice, so I can’t play for beans right now.”

Twilight started sweating. Hard. “Eyeah, let’s change the subject, please. Pinkie Pie, how have you been coming alo-”

“I CAN PLAY THE POTS AND PANS!”

This sudden exclamation nearly knocked Twilight away and frazzled her hair, so now this entire group of colorful ruffians were matched in disorder. “Okay. Thank you Pinkie Pie.” Her friend then settled down and Twilight then focused on collecting her thoughts. “Well, at least we’re a little bit closer to being able to compete. Does anybody have any suggestions?”

Pinkie Pie raised her hand.

“Anybody at all?”

Pinkie Pie started jumping with her raised hand. “Oh oh, pick me Twilight!”

“No other suggestions?” Twilight looked around and could not avoid it any longer. “Okay, Pinkie Pie. What’s your idea?”

Pinkie Pie squealed with delight and kept on hopping around. “Well, you said we should study so I decided to watch a few movies on Rock ‘n’ Roll, and I know how we can get skills and quick.”

“Pinkie Pie, that’s great! What movies did you see?”

“Hell’s Bells: The Dangers of Rock ‘n’ Roll and Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny.”

“That’s wonderful Pinkie Pie,” Rarity congratulated. “So what did you learn?”

“Alright, we need to make a deal with the Devil.”

“The Devil?” Asked the girls in unison.

“Yeah, we just need to find this guy named Satan and sign a contract or something and he’ll teach us everything we need to know in just a few short hours.”

“This sounds like a scam,” Twilight pointed out. “Is this a scam?”

“Every band that took the deal is now rich and famous, so it definitely works!”

“Well now that sounds like a plan! So where can we find this ‘Devil’ fella?” Applejack asked.

Pinkie Pie just blinked for a few moments before stating plainly. “I don’t know.”

Twilight sighed as their progression was halted. “Fair enough. Well let’s think about this, where would we find some guy called the Devil?”

All the girls began thinking on the subject, before Pinkie Pie started hopping and raising her hand.

“Yeah Pinkie?”

“Well, the Cakes at Sugarcube Corner have this thing called Devil’s food cake. So wouldn’t it make sense that he would come by, looking for his food?”

“You’re not wrong, but that’s a little silly.” Twilight then shrugged off any doubt. “But it’s the best chance we got. So onwards to Sugarcube Corner!” And with this the girls all stampeded their way to the local bakery.

Chapter 3: The Man in Black

Author's Note

The song introduced in this chapter is meant to be read in the scat singing style as popular with musicians such as Ella Fitzgerald while retaining a degree of wry humor as to the life of impediment as lived by the impoverished singer and is meant to be conveyed with a quite speedy rhythm in the four line quatrains and slow down at the two line stanzas which may be noted by the use of gibberish words. If you'd like to know an example of the style I replicated for this song, I recommend Ella Fitzgerald's "One Note Samba."

Also, Fluttershy the Racist stole my heart.

Chapter 3: The Man in Black

Now, when a horde of teenage girls who have clearly had a rough day start running, it’s generally good advice to avoid them. Usually it means the latest prepubescent pop singer is in town. So naturally mothers and children hurried across even busy streets to avoid their stride and even the toughest of men jumped into alleys to prevent being crushed beneath the heels of a bunch of musically challenged teens.

In fact, a lot of people might’ve not been injured that day if they just took Rarity’s convertible to the place. But honestly, that’s none of my business.

So they arrived eventually to see the relatively well managed two-story shop decorated as flamboyantly as the treats they deal in. The whole building itself looked as though it were good enough to eat! Of course, to actually engage in eating it may violate the terms of one’s dental plan. Especially given the windows, while perhaps indeed being made of rock candy, would’ve still shattered many a jaw.

And after the girls crossed one last street to arrive at the corner where the shop was stationed, they were soon met with the delicate plucking of nylon wire against wood reverberating across a hollow space. Their attention was caught by some elderly gentleman dressed in denim overalls and a well worn flannel shirt. His chocolate skin was sheltered from the overcast sun by the means of a large straw hat. The tones he was playing were clearly from skilled hands, of which was a mystery considering the blisters and callouses that should by all means have hindered his playing. But neither tempo nor rhythm wavered as his old and used hands worked the guitar, tuning it for some future performance.

“Hey, look! It’s the Devil!” Called out Pinkie Pie.

“I think that’s just a guy. How can you tell?” Twilight asked.

“Well he’s got a guitar, he’s hanging outside probably waiting for his food. He’s got to be the Devil!”

Speak of the, well, Devil, he perked his head up a bit at the sound of the girls talking about him nearby and got his guitar into a more suitable position across his torso. One hand on the neck and the other just above the body of it and the fingers plucked and flicked, immediately producing a series of high yet dulcet tones. And then he began to sing.

“Well I’ve been a plain ol’ man

With simple life and a simple plan

I can’t do what I want but I do what I can

Cus I’m a nigger man!”

And after a pause he continued with:

“And just an average man.

Shooba-dooba-dee-shooba-dooba-dee-shooba-da-doobada-dee.”

“I say I’ve been round a lot And beaten’s most what I got

I got freedom but more I sought

Cus I’m a nigger man!

“And a po’ man.

Shooba-dooba-da-shooba-dooba-da-shooba-da-doobada-daa.”

For every time the final verse of a stanza he punctuated it with a jarring twang from the highest note he could find and continued.

“Idle hands can be sinful things

I gots none for the debble to see

My paws are working fast as can be

Cus I’m a nigger man!

“And a saved man.

Shooba-dooba-doo-shooba-dooba-doo-shooba-da-doobada-doo.”

The girls became interested as they gathered around this man skitting and scatting before them, and they leaned in when he began to whisper his next verse.

“Though I can, I still can’t
Years I got and havin’ not
I gots me, that’s all I need
Cus I’m a nigger man.

“And I die a nigger man in solemn peace.

Shooba-dooba-dee-shooba-dooba-da-shooba-da-doobada-doo.”

And to cap off this little song of his he gave two final twangs on the guitar and resumed a slow rhythm, not so much a performance but more along the lines of background music.

“Well howdy there girls, what can I do for you?”

This sudden acknowledgement of their presence caused them to be taken aback, but they soon collected themselves and silently nominated Twilight, who had been taking charge to this point, to speak with the man.

“Well,” She said, pausing a little to try and nonchalantly ask “We were just wondering if you were the Devil.”

Now, most men when called the Devil may have been upset. But this fellow simply continued to pluck strings and chuckled a bit. “Well now lil’ missy, I keep myself so busy I ain’t gots the time to let the debble in me.”

“Oh,” Twilight said, rather dejected. “So you’re not the Devil?”

Another chuckle. “Ha ha, now I may be here on a street corner but no ma’m I ain’t no debble. They says you gotta go to the crossroads to meet ol’ scratch.”

“Well, thank you for your time,” Twilight then turned to the girls and sighed. “Looks like a dead end.”

“Great!” Dash shouted. “Now we’ll never be able to rock!”

The man before them suddenly stopped playing and his face broke out in a cold sweat. “Wait what?”

“Oh, sorry. We’re trying to find the Devil and make a deal with him so he’ll give us musical skills,” Twilight said.

“Oh no no no. That there’s a bad bad idea ladies.” It seems he would’ve gotten up to tell them more, but the proprietor of the store in all his slim body and red-haired glory craned his neck out the front door to see the teenagers were all loitering.

“Pinkie! What are you and your friends doing here? Shouldn’t you all be in school?”

“Oh, hi Mister Cake! We’re just trying to make a deal with the Devil.”

Mister Cake silently mouthed some words to himself before shaking his head. “Oh Pinkie, no need to bother our customers about that. Please, come inside!”

“Sorry, but we really need to talk to this Devil guy.”

“Yeah. Everyone come inside the store and I’ll help you with this.” With this the girls began to grow excited and happily entered the store as Mister Cake held the door open for them all. “Oh, and Mister!” He called out to the gentleman with the guitar.

“Yessir?”

“We got your order ready, Miss Cake can give it to you at the counter. Thank you for waiting.”

The gentleman got up and saw that Mister Cake was replaced at the door by the even more gentle Fluttershy who held the door open for him. As he got up to her to pass her by on his way inside, he tilted his hat in thanks.

“Thank you ma’m.”

“You’re welcome Mister N.”

Suddenly at a stop, the man got himself a big grin and let out another chuckle. “Well now, you know me by name?”

She nodded in reply to this, although in reality she only could guess his name from the song he sang.

“Well shoot, no need for all that ‘Mister’ nonsense, just call me by my name miss.”

“Oh, okay.” Fluttershy gulped before stuttering out “N-Ni.” She was then thankfully sharply cut off by Pinkie Pie who yanked her by the arm back towards the group.

Chapter 4: Black Sabbath

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 5: Woolie Bully

“Honey, get the water! Woolie’s back!” Mister Cake yelled as he ran upstairs and armed himself with a broom.

Miss Cake meanwhile was preoccupied with smacking the large fiend with an oven mitt to mediocre results. “Shoo, shoo! Bad Woolie!”

The girls eventually arrived upstairs and watched as both Mister Cake and his wife start beating the large dark figure who was shoveling pies that were cooling on a rack down his gullet, tin and crust all. Eventually though, their efforts made some impact for the thieving monster retreated out of the kitchen and through the front door. With the beast gone Miss Cake and her husband were left a panting and exhausted mess.

“Aw man, he got away. He didn’t even give us a chance to ask him for a contract!” Rainbow Dash said.

“Contract?” Mister Cake asked before slapping his forehead. “Oh, you thought that was Satan? No no no girls. I don’t even think that was a demon. In fact, I think that was just some guy, his name is Woolie.”

“Woolie?”

“Yeah, a few times when we tried to invoke Mephistopheles we accidentally summoned Woolie. He doesn’t even do anything good! He just lies to people and steals pies. And when you’re running a bakery, pies are about fifty percent of your profits, so you can see why we don’t like him.”

“So what about our contract? What are we supposed to do now?”

Mister Cake shrugged. “I don’t know, girls. Sorry about that. Maybe you can go to the crossroads instead?”

All the girls collectively groaned. “But that’s on the other side of town!”

Bickering of a most banal sort ensued, but it was not long before Twilight just gave up and went towards the exit. Soon enough, her friends and Mister Cake noticed this, and followed her just before she was out the door.

“Oh, Twilight, you have a plan?” Mister Cake asked

Twilight turned to the group and nodded. “Yeah. We basically wasted an entire day which we could’ve used for practicing, not on our own but as a band. I mean, look at what happened when we all did things on our own,” She said and gestured to the still fractured state that all the girls remained since they entered the shop. “Divided, we all ended up running into some problem or another that only held us back even more. But together, I think we can do something great. I mean, together we opened a portal to who-knows-where and summoned some guy with dreads who steals pastries.”

“Speaking of which, somebody’s got to pay for all the lost pies.”

Twilight simply ignored this remark from the shop owner. “So together, as the Equestria Girls, I think we can make this not so horrible. So who’s with me!”

A cheer rang out among her fellow bandmates and with their resolve they now united to a great cause and ventured from the shop to officially get ready to perform at the Spring Fling.

Author's Note

This is based on unconfirmed reports that failing to perform a satanic ritual may very well summon the scrublord known as Woolie the Liar.

Nixon's Epilogue

“So you see,” The Tour Guide with a gruff voice began. “That is the story of how I realized what it meant to be a woman.” And he stood before his audience proud of his tale. He then realized he revealed the wrong message and quickly corrected himself. “Oh, I mean that’s how Rock and Roll leads to Satanism.”

“Wow Mister Nixon, that was gweat! I pwomise never ever to Wock an’ Woll ever again,” Said the little girl who was all finished with her sucker.”

“Yo um, Mister Nixon, sir?” Asked the upstart teen from before.

“What is it, little hippy?”

“Word dawg, you was talkin’ that flippity flap bizzity but what happened to that Woolie bro?”

Tour Guide Nixon shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t have any clue, sonny. He probably fled back to the barren wastes of Canada and returned to his igloo.”

“Sup nilla scrilla, that sounds really stupid.”

Nixon’s old man jowls flapped down and his face got really serious and he was like “You’re really stupid.” And with one deep breath he straightened himself up and finished off his speech. “And that concludes the end of our tour, please visit us at Silent HIll Tours once again and do us all a big favor and have a nice day. You are guaranteed one if you don’t listen to the rock and roll.”

And so our story comes to a close. The End.