Pinkie Pie Needs To...Come on, really? Do I have to tell you the title? It says the name of this story on the main page for Celestia's sake! God!
A Warner Bro's Production
The Name Of This Story Inserted Here!
Our story begins on a gloriously sunny day - as it almost ALWAYS is - in the town of Ponyville. Celestia's sun shone over the little town smirking a smug smile like a little egotistical twat, casting its gentle warmth upon the stallions and mares who were trotting out and about on this bright lovely day, particularly on one old pony who suddenly burst into flames and became a pile of ashes with only his eyeballs remaining.
Over in Ponyville Park, Pinkie Pie was happily hopping along the path, wearing a red hat with the letter 'P' on it, as she mercilessly stomped upon several defenseless Goombas while collecting coins. She was coming up to one of the water fountains in the park, where a mint-green unicorn mare, who the author of this abomination of a story is sure the reader knows very well, was sitting wearing a massive smile on her face. The mint-green unico -
Forget it, let's just call her Lyra, shall we?
The mare who is called Lyra suddenly fell over to one side, as the massive smile she had on her face was too heavy for her, causing her to lose balance and fall off the edge of the fountain where she had been sitting. Pinkie Pie watched as Lyra fell off and landed on a conveniently placed landmine and blew up into about ten pieces, maybe eleven if you count the horn. Pinkie Pie turned towards the person reading this story with a confused look, and the reader looked back in horror that a fictional character just did that, and then Pinkie Pie shrugged his shoulder, and continued along her way, humming the 'Smile, Smile, Smile!' song.
As Pinkie Pie continued to hop along through the park, and stomp on some more poor Goombas, she suddenly froze in mid-air as Sub-Zero, being the cheap cheating asshole that he is, used his ice powers to freeze her in place while he stole her hat. After thawing out of her icy prison, Pinkie Pie then felt a strange knot in her stomach. The strange feeling then made its way to her backside, and she suddenly grabbed her flanks with her hooves.
"Ah mah Celispia, I need a poo-poo!" the party pony shouted out loud, getting the attention of the few other ponies also in the park, who gave her curious strange looks, as did Mama Luigi who suddenly fell out of a tree behind Pinkie Pie.
"Pinkie Pie's head then looked all around her for signs of a mare's restroom," said the author of this fanfic as he typed exactly just that. But to her dismay, Pinkie couldn't see a single lavatory in sight. The strange feeling in her behind began to intensify, and Pinkie realized that she had to find a toilet soon, or she was going to defecate in public, and since Celestia had implemented the Equestrian Public Excreting Act back in 1975, Pinkie was not looking forward to paying a large fine for popping a hot steamer out onto a sidewalk.
So, making the same sound as Roadrunner, Pinkie sped out of the park, embarking on her quest for a toilet to deposit her - ahem - Brownies!
Pinkie's first stop was at Twilight Sparkle's house, or her tree-house, rather. Pinkie Pie figured that the book-smart unicorn (she's not a princess here yet!) could help her with her situation, and maybe help her find a toilet in which to deposit her - ahem - 'brownies'. Approaching the front door of the tree-house, Pinkie Pie proceeded to knock upon the door, and by 'knock', I mean she began smashing her head against the wooden frame. "Twilight! Twiiiii-Liiiiiiiiiiight!", the hyper-active pink pony screeched. About a minute passed by, before the door into the tree-house, which I forgot to mention was also a library opened up, revealing the purple unicorn standing in the doorway, a look of annoyance on her face. She let out a weary sigh when she saw who her visitor was.
"Yes, Pinkie Pie, what do you want, comrade?", asked Twilight Sparkle, her voice a deep tone back by a thick Russian accent. "What do you need so badly that you interrupt Twilight's, uh, studies, yes?"
Pinkie Pie performed a 360 backflip, landing it perfectly and receiving a perfect score from a few ponies who were passing nearby, before answering her friend. "Twilight, I have to use the little filly's bathroom, but I don't know where there is one around here. I need your help, Twilight! I've got a foul motherbucker poking out and it's not very pleasant!", Pinkie explained. "Please, Twilight, can you help me?", she pleaded as she expressed sad puppy eyes and quivering lips.
Twilight, who was just finishing a whole bottle of Vodka and throwing it aside, wiped her lips on her foreleg before responding. "No. Too busy comrade. Goodbye." And with that, the Element of Magic slammed the door shut, leaving Pinkie Pie teary-eyed. As the party pony started to slink away, Twilight went upstairs back into her bedroom, where a rope-bound Great and Powerful Trixie was laid out upon the bed, her mouth stuffed with a ball gag and covered in rose petals. As Twilight Sparkle entered the room, she gave the Great and Powerful Trixie a seductive smirk.
Now, comrade, where were we before?" the purple unicorn asked lustfully closing the door behind her and picking up a paddle with her magic.
Going back to Pinkie Pie, the party pony felt the urge to take a dump intensifying more than ever now. She raced towards Ponyville Marketplace to look for Rainbow Dash, convinced that maybe somepony who wasn't so much of a whorse as Twilight was would be able to help her out. She remembered that Rainbow Dash had been tasked with getting rid of the clouds looming over the marketplace that day, because apparently ponies really hate clouds, so she was sure she'd find her tomboyish friend there.
And speak of the Devil of Tartarus, would you believe that she really did find Rainbow Dash there! Yes, the cyan-colored pegasus was already kicking away at the clouds, which exploded as her hooves came into contact with them and causing Derpy Hooves to fall out of one of them. Rainbow Dash was enticed in kicking clouds, so she did not notice Pinkie until the Element of Laughter threw a brick at her, striking the side of her head and knocking her unconscious, resulting in Rainbow Dash falling from the sky.
When Rainbow Dash finally came to, she found herself in Ponyville General Hospital, her body covered in bandages with slings supporting her legs, forelegs and head. Pinkie Pie stood by the side of her bed, a large grin on her face. Rainbow Dash wondered why in Equestria her friend was holding her buttocks, but decided to not ask about it, displaying the first bit of common sense seen so far in this story.
"Oh Rainbow Dash, I'm so glad you're awake! Can you tell me where the little filly's toilets are, please? I have this huge turtle head poking out and I need to let it loose!" Pinkie Pie yelled ecstatically, practically bouncing all over the room, accidentally hitting the support machine that was hooked up to the patient in the next bed, who began to jerk about and spasm while nurses and doctors rushed in and pulled the curtains around, obscuring them.
Rainbow Dash meanwhile was in deep thought, as she pondered over Pinkie's question. As Pinkie Pie began to calm down and cease her bouncing, a light bulb clicked above Rainbow's head, which then fell and smashed on her head. "I know how to solve your problem, Pee-Piss!", Rainbow Dash exclaimed happily. She turned her head to look at her friend. "Why don't you just dig a hole in the ground and take a dump in that?"
Pinkie Pie's face looked flabbergasted, as she realized she could have done that ages ago. Nevertheless, she was grateful for her friend's idea. "Thank you for your help, Rainbow Dash! Get well soon, okay? I have to go and take a shit! See you soon, RD!", Pinkie said, as she gave the pegasus a great big hug and breaking Rainbow's rib cage and spinal cord as she did so. Pinkie Pie then flew out of the window towards a field, where she began pawing at the ground until she had made a hole roughly three feet deep.
Pinkie looked all around her to make sure nopony was watching, and after she confirmed that the coast was clear, Pinkie turned around and knelt down above the hole, and breathed a sigh of relief as she let nature do its work and squeezed a very big Brownie out into the hole. After cleaning her behind with Gummy and then throwing him into a nearby pond, Pinkie then shoved the mound of dirt she dug up and covered the hole.
"...And then she exploded. The end."
Discord looked up from his sheet of paper at the audience sat before him, which consisted of Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash (who was asleep and snoring loudly), Pinkie Pie, and WoodenToaster, TheLivingTombstone, and Lauren Faust. With the exception of Lauren Faust and Pinkie Pie, who were applauding together and wearing a huge smile on their faces, everypony else stared at the draconequus, their jaws wide open.
"So then," Discord said as he held out his lion paw, "constructive criticism on my work, please?"
The End (?)
Author's Note
No Goombas were hurt during the writing of this fanfic. However, shortly after this story was finished, a fat smelly plumber came along and stomped on them all. Our sympathies and thoughts go out to their families during this difficult time.
Please, reader, will you sponsor a Goomba today, and help stop their unnecessary slaughter at the feet of obese plumbers? With your donations, we can save these poor defenseless moronic creatures.
Thank you.
