If you squint really hard, you can see the epicness
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If you squint really hard, you can see the epicness
As the nigh-omniscient Princess Celestia’s blazing fireball of unimaginable power hurtled across the sky at over 1000 miles per hour, whizzing across the heavens with reckless abandon, the most badass town in all of the wonderful realm of Equestria woke up. Smack dab in the center of the minuscule village was a magnificent crystal castle-tree, made of the finest instant-magical amethyst and diamond reinforced mithril.
Twilight “Doomageddon” Sparkle, one of the most powerful sorceresses in the world, defeater of the evil, stopper of the apocalypse on more than one occasion, and undisputed princess of friendship, blasted open her eyes and teleported out of bed. She reappeared inside of her shower, which immediately began pumping out an immense load of water over her bed-warm body. In an instant, at over 800 kilo pascals of pressure, the alicorn was drenched completely from her incredibly sharp unicorn-like horn down to her unimaginably tough earth pony-like hooves.
Within five seconds, hundreds of gallons of the liquid of life went down the shower drain, but luckily, due to Equestrian ingenuity, none of which was lost because the adamantium piping filtered the unclean water, cleansing it of all impurities, and redirected it back through Twilight “Doomageddon” Sparkle’s shower head, resulting in the most ecologically friendly plumbing ever imagined by the greatest minds in all the world.
Soon, after only twelve-point-eight-nine-zero-five seconds of speed lathering and sonic rinsing with soap derived from the purest antibacterial ambrosia imported from Neighpon, she drained the soapy water using a hurricane powered shower drain, which spiraled down the drain into the drainage pipe. Unfortunately, the shower drain of hurricane Bobby got clogged with alicorn hair, which is indestructible, save for the most corrosive of acids and cleaners.
Furrowing her immaculate eyebrows, Twilight “Apocalyptic Survivor” Sparkle reached with her incredible magical abilities to levitate a bottle of the monstrously dangerous Drano from under her sink. She began to slowly and carefully unscrew the cap to the cleaning fluid, preparing to dump a large and potentially radioactive lump down the drain. The solvent dissolved through the dense mass of lavender hair, leaving nothing but the dead entrails and ruins of a lost civilization of alicorn hair dwellers, forgotten as the eons passed.
Twilight “Awesome McAwesome” Sparkle screwed the cap back on, her lust for the destruction of her hair sated. She returned the bottle of bathroom-related miracles to its rightful throne underneath the iron snake that is the sink pipe.
As Twilight “Doomsday Stopper” Sparkle strutted down the majestic crystal staircases, perfectly carpeted with the rarest fur of an extinct dinosaur. The fact that dinosaurs did not have fur accentuated the rarity of said carpet. When she arrived at the royal kitchen of succulent breakfast items, she was immediately bombarded by the intoxicating scent of blueberry pancakes and incredibly sweet maple syrup made from the purest of maple trees.
Manning the stove was the minuscule dragonling known as the Great and Honorable Spike the Brave and Glorious, otherwise known as the one who can slay icebergs while suffering depression, the dragon that can melt cast iron and devour an entire book in less than twenty-two minutes while talking to an owl, and a cute monster that can turn into freaking Godzilla if you give him stuff.
He turned his bulbous head, his green spikes flaring down his head and back rippling across his purple body, and smiled a toothy reptilian grin at the alicorn princess. His scales are fire and lava proof, his claws and teeth can cut through diamond and crush rocks when he doesn’t try. He loved Twilight “Mother and Big Sister Figure” Sparkle like a mother, father, big brother, and older sister, despite her being of the feminine gender.
“Hey Twilight, breakfast is ready,” the gallant green and purple lizard declared as he flipped a disc of well cooked flour and eggs into the air, which did a 720 degree flip before landing inside a plate with a noise similar to a slap. Said plate was constructed of the rarest ceramic, created by the bare hooves of a pony who molded the shape, after which he burned the mold at several thousand degrees before it achieved its current glassy state.
The Great and Honorable Spike the Brave and Glorious, one of the greatest chefs of his generation, despite scoffing at the ludicrous notion of attending a school of the culinary arts, placed the plate with the pancake on the table with an elegance he obtained through sheer work. Every recipe he has he learned by observing the motions and patterns of others, which he mimicked to perfection, allowing him to master said technique within a matter of days. Naturally talented, he mentally ridiculed those that required the help of so called “master cooks”.
With a minor cough containing 5,875 microorganisms and 35,803 droplets of water and mucus, he covered his fire breathing mouth with his scaly arm, valiantly protecting his master from bacterial invasion. While the infectious agents were not killed, they were trapped on top of several oval shaped scales.
“Let me help you with that.” Twilight “Germ Killer” Sparkle powered up a level 3 spell of her own design, a process requiring many hours of effort and painstaking calculations, knowing that one minuscule error could result in a horrible and painfully awkward sensation for the target.
As her thaumic aura diffused across the atmosphere, it collided with many particles and atoms, each one purged of impurities with 2.4 milliseconds. Eventually, after 63.97 milliseconds, her magical grasp reached the Great and Honorable Spike the Brave and Glorious, cleansing every single square centimeter of his body of the terrible microscopic insurgents. Millions of lives cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced, destroyed by a genocidal wave of destruction, ignorantly wielded by the mass murderer known as Twilight Sparkle.
“Thanks,” the dragon who was like a pony replied, unaware of the horrible holocaust he had unwittingly provoked, abetting his master’s lust for the deaths of entities that are partially alive but technically are not sentient.
The purple pigmented duo sit down at the table of immense nutritional consumption, imported from the land of Prance, famous for its elegant and intricate carvings, as well as the application of a special resin found only from the faraway lands of Saddle Arabia. They reached for their silverware, smithed by a whiny eleven-year-old who somehow convinced royalty to use her cutlery. Thus, it is of subpar quality.
But it is the only subpar object within the confines of Princess Twilight “High Quality Buyer” Sparkle and the Great and Honorable Spike the Brave and Glorious’s humble abode, located in the center of the incredibly badass town of Ponyville. The dynamic totally platonic couple continued as they devoured their meal.
The lavender unicorn-turned-alicorn-via-ancient-magicks utilized her her immense equine molars to continually compress and pressurize her meal, effectively pulverizing it to a salivary paste. On the other side was her majestic dragon assistant, who ripped apart the pancake quickly using small bites and tore quickly through his breakfast.
After several minutes of intense silence, the two-thirds musketeers finished their food decisively, as their plates were cleaned of any remnants of the intoxicating grain based meal. Then, the Great and Honorable Spike the Brave and Glorious quickly took both plates with the speed of an Olympic dishwasher, and jumped directly in front of the marvelous kitchen sink, as he began washing the dishes using premium soap and a sponge that was once loved by children across the globe.
Twilight “Devourer of all” Sparkle thanked her loyal servant before using her arcane magicks to turn the doorknob to open the immense one ton door made of pure amethyst and diamond reinforced mithril. She took an alicorn magic enhanced step out the door to begin what could possibly be the greatest day of her life.
Abridged version:
As Princess Celestia’s sun rose up, Ponyville awakened. In the middle of the town was Twilight’s castle. Twilight woke up and teleported into the shower. She cleaned herself quickly, aided by magic.
Her hair clogged the shower drain. She fixed that with drano. Then she walked across her fancy castle to get breakfast. She went to the kitchen where Spike made breakfast. Spike sneezed. Twilight cleaned him using magic. They ate breakfast silently. Spike then cleans the dishes. Twilight leaves.
Author's Note
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome + Unreliable Narrator + Extreme Exaggeration x 100 = This story.