Alawst King Yearling (née Do) sighed, a sigh weighed down by twenty years of regret crashing against her brow. She grimaced. "Ahuizotl was right."
"Pardon?" the stern-faced mare in front of her asked.
Do chuckled darkly. "He was right. The crazy devil was right.
"You know, I thought it was great. It was the perfect way out. Everypony knew the series was growing stale, none more than me. But this? This was my out. A climatic, beautiful end to the books. It was, I thought at the time, just what I needed. The end of an era.
"There he was, the bane and blessing of my existence, and I had finally ended it. There he was, falling a hundred gallops into a volcano. I mean, I couldn't have written a cooler death scene if I tried. My job did all the work for me! But… you know what he said as he fell? Actually, I'm pretty sure you do. The articles said you read my books for this case. I hope you enjoyed them. Anyway, he loses his grip on the platform, and he's falling towards his fiery death, and he screams out, all dramatic-y, 'You've killed me Do, but I took your liiiiiiife.' Splat.
"Ah yes, splat. The great king of the jungle ended with a splat. And I had an end to the greatest real-life adventure series ever written. The thing is, those were such enigmatic last words. I know I usually tweak things around for the books a bit, but these… these felt somehow powerful. So you know, they're the final thing Ahuizotle says, in the finale Daring Do book. Eighteen years, twenty-three books, four-thousand pages of rivalry. And it all comes down to that.
"The thing is, it sounded so rehearsed. I've turned it over in my head a hundred times, and I can still hear his fury above the boil of the lava. And I can't help but feel he thought about those words ahead of time.
"Twenty years. A quarter of my life I've spent exploring. The prime quarter of it too. And it was wonderful. Really, there's no use pretending it wasn't. A dream job, really. Archeology is pretty cool. But adventuring? That's even cooler! I… I guess I get worked up over it even now.
"But after the first printing had left the press and the royalty checks had begun to trickle in, I started to doubt. I didn't retire right away. I still do odd jobs for Canterlot University. Maybe I'm just searching for the glory days.
"But you know what did happen? I finally came home. I… I came home to a family I didn't know. I had spent more time in the jungle than I had with them. I married an amazing stallion and changed my name for him. I had a daughter, had a family, and had what should have been an amazing home life. But I threw it all away.
"Ahuizotl was right. He did take my life. Well, I let him, mind you. I was so fascinated by what was behind that mad dog's eyes. I think by the end I knew him better than I know my kid. Or maybe myself. Which I guess is why I'm here now. Because I gave my life to him, instead of my friends and family.
"So then, let's take a final tally of the score: Ahuizotl: dead. Me: A father who saw me twice during the final five years of his life. A mother who's given up and stopped sending letters. A sister I've pushed away, too busy to make the three hour train trip to Ponyville. A husband who's divorced me, and a daughter who hates me.
"So really, while I may have best sellers that will keep me comfortable the rest of my life, I'm not really sure it's a life I'm looking forward to. I gotta hoof it to him. He won. He defeated me."
The judge coughed politely. "Ms. Do, while I'm very sorry for your troubles, we do have a schedule to keep here. So, as I asked before, do you accept the custody arrangements for your child?"
Posey and Sassaflash stared each other down, Sparkler a sad distant third. They were nearing the endgame: ten questions left.
Posey smiled. Victory was in sight. "Yes, Al Extra Bucks, I'll take 'Famous Last Words' for three hundred, please!"
Alex groaned and rolled his eyes. "The eeeeevil queen Chrysalis had this to say as she was blasted away by love. Ughhh, who writes this stuff?"
Sparkler buzzed in, desperate. "What is 'Bwahahaha, you foolish ponies!'"
"Sorry, Sparkler, that is completely, totally, super-duper WRONG!"
"Well you don't have to be a meanie about it," the filly mumbled.
"Sassaflash: do you have an answer?"
"Uhhhhh, what is, ummmm…"
*BEEP BEEP BEEP!*
"Sorry Flash. Posey?"
Posey beamed triumphantly. "What is 'NOOOOOOOOO!!!'?"
"That… that's actually correct. Three hundred points to Team Posey. Posey?"
"I'll take 'Famous Last Words' for four hundred, please."
"' This is not my fault! And don't call me Mama!' is uttered by this evil witch as she's dropped in a volcano."
Sparkler again buzzed in before anypony else. "I just watched this! Who's 'Hydia'?!"
"Wow, good job." Alex confirmed. "Only two thousand dollars behind now."
Sparkler beamed, but her smile soon turned mischievous. "But what's this? It turns out it was a Double Jeopardy. Sparkler shoots back to second place!"
"What! No! You can't just say it's a Daily Double!" Sassaflash complained.
"Yes I can! Sparkler gets Double Jeopardy and bets allllll her money and gets it right!"
"That's not how the game works you dofus! Do you even watch the show?!" Sassaflash replied.
"Well, it's how it should work!" Sparkler countered.
Posey started to cry. "Moooom, tell Rachel and Ashley to stop fighting!"
A slender off-beige alicorn sighed from the other room where she was paying bills. "Girls, the game host has final say. Please try to keep it quiet. Mommy's working."
Al Extra Bucks smiled. "I'm the host, and I say we settle this the way they did in the old west: with a duel!"
"No!" Posey, Sparkler, and Sassaflash yelled simultaneously.
"Fine! Alex doesn't even want to play this stupid game with ponies. He's gonna go over here and fight dinosaurs!"
"Mikey, you can't quit! I need to beat Posey in the Final Jeopardy round!"
"Run your own stupid game. I'm done!" said the game show host, in fact a young hairless ape. He knocked over the Jeopardy board and ran off in a huff, taking the "G.I. Joe" action figure with him.
"Mom! Mikey took our question guy!" Posey yelled.
["Mom" sighed and trotted out from the other room, revealing herself to also be a strange bipedal creature like Mikey.
"Mikey, are those your Transformers toys on the Dream Pony Princess Castle, fending off plastic dinosaurs?"
"Well yeah, but…"
"And the girls let you use it?"
"I mean, I guess, but…"
"No 'buts'. If they let you borrow their castle, it's only fair they get to play with some of your toys too. Now, I believe you have some more homework to do before bed, so get going young man."
"Ughhhh. Yeees mooommm."
"Mikey" obediently marched up the stairs. Lauren turned to the three girls. "Rachel, Ashley, I think it's time to go home. Megan, go get ready for bed please."
"Awwww. But we gotta find out who wins!"
"You can find out tomorrow. Get."
The precocious little human wrinkled her face and bounded up the stairs after her brother. Rachel and Ashley dutifully grabbed their toys and walked toward the door. "Bye Megan's mom!"
She waved "bye" back, stifling a yawn as the door slammed closed. She walked back to her study, narrowly avoiding stepping on a Lego. "Kids," she said warmly. "Some things don't change."
