Ryan…..Zap…..what will my name be? Does it even matter? Zap is the only name they will ever know me by, but Ryan is my real name…...but.... No. Ryan was a bastard, a worthless piece of shit who hurt other people for liking a cartoon.

But…..am I still like that? I DID hurt them, but I’m sorry for what I did….so what am I?

The wretched human groaned and held his head in his hands; The dilemma that he was facing was giving him a headache.

What does it even matter what they call me? I can’t even rightly call myself Zap or Ryan without feeling sick. The ponies can call me whatever I want, but I’ll never have a name, not now.

Ryan sighed sadly.

I can’t taste anything, I can’t feel anything, I’m sick, wasting away, I’m far away from my home, where I barely had a life, and now I’m in a world where everyone hates me-and rightly so.

Tears began to prick at his eyes, stinging like hair-then needles.

Now my I don’t even know if I really have a name. I….I can’t believe that I’ve become even more of a nobody. Heh….maybe I should just call myself Ano-

There was a noise from just outside his door.

Was it Luna?

No.

The door opened and a familiar butter-yellow head poked in, the teal eyes searching, stopping on him, widening with brief shock and then softening.

“Um...Hello?” asked Fluttershy, her voice low and cautious.

Ryan’s mouth went dry and he had to whet his throat and cough before he could respond with a simple, “Hello.”

“Oh….did I wake you?” asked the kind pegasus.

Zap shook his head and Fluttershy asked, “May I come in?”.

The human nodded, feeling himself growing more uncomfortable the closer she got to him. Why is she here? Did one of the princesses tell her to come in and ask me questions like some kind of…. cute interrogator?

Fluttershy stopped when she was a few inches from his bed and sat down, her eyes studying him, growing more and more intense as she did, finally she asked, “How do you feel?”

Zap gulped audibly before replying, “I- I feel….tired.”

Fluttershy cocked her head, “Then why don’t you go to sleep?”

The human hung his head, glad that they hadn’t cut his hair, and said “I have nightmares.”

“Oh dear.” said Fluttershy, the genuine concern in her voice almost making him look up, “What are they about?”

He had been dreading that question, and the memory of what had happened to him down there in the deep darkness made the bile rise to his throat, constricting his lungs and filling his guts with burning shame.

“Zap-I mean, Ryan? Are you alright?” asked Fluttershy, getting closer.

The human took a deep, shuddering breath before saying, in a low voice, “‘M fine.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mean to be nosey, but whenever I have a really bad nightmare, I find that it really helps to talk about it.”

Zap shook his head.

“Are you sure?”

A weak nod.

“Alright….but if you need to talk….I’m here, okay?”

Zap turned to look at her and said, “Did you see Luna around? She was going to stay up with me until she can find a way to make the nightmares stop.”

Fluttershy shook her head, “I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen her. But I can stay with you... i-if you’re okay with that, I mean.”

“Oh...okay….though I don’t want to impose on you or anything.” said Zap.

“It’s fine.” said Fluttershy, looking around for a chair and finding none, “C-can I sit with you?”

Zap regarded her cautiously for a moment before moving over slightly. Smiling, Fluttershy climbed up next to him and sat down; Zap shied away slightly as the yellow pegasus stretched her wings and moved to lay down.

“So…” said Fluttershy after a moment of awkward silence, “You said your name is Ryan, right?”

He nodded.

“That’s a nice name.” she said with a smile, “I’ve never heard anything like it before, is it a common name where you come from?”

“I….I suppose it is.” said Ryan, managing to glance into her teal eyes, hoping that he wouldn’t see the disgust and fear that he had seen reflected in the eyes of the nurses who came by to check up on him and every pony who had seen him as he was being led to see the princesses; but her eyes showed only kindness and curiosity.

“What’s your last name?” asked the mare in question.

“Doe.” said Ryan.

“Like a female deer? Aww, that’s a wonderful last name! I love that name.” she said with an easy smile.

Ryan blushed slightly, but managed to thank her.

“Oh, you’re very welcome. Can I ask you a few more questions?”

“I suppose that you can….just…..just don’t ask about what happened to me, please?”

“I PInkie Pie Promise: cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Ryan watched, amused, as Fluttershy made a series of motions to along with her odd promise. He knew who Pinkie Pie was, of course. He had seen some of the episodes of the show and had met her in person; After seeing her semi-madness up close, it didn’t surprise him that she’d be the namesake of what was probably an unbreakable promise.

After finishing the motions, Fluttershy asked, “Okay, so what is the name of the place where you come from?”

“I come from Earth. It’s far….very, very far away.”

Fluttershy nodded, “That’s pretty interesting. What is Earth like?”

Zap sighed, “I don’t know too much about all the fine details….and telling you would take me a very long time. I guess the most basic thing that I can say is that Earth is full of people like me, we’re called Humans and we’re…..well….I guess some of us are alright, though I didn’t meet too many people that I could call all that nice.”

He noticed the traces of grimness spring up on Fluttershy’s face and hastily added, “But that’s just me personally. I mean, I didn’t really talk with very many people back….back home.”

Fluttershy’s ears perked up, “Oh? Why not?”

Zap could feel the memories of his childhood return and he lowered his head again as he spoke.

“I was….kind of a loner, I never really had many friends because….well….because my father was kind of infamous in my town.”

“Why was he infamous?”

“He….he was the town drunk. He got into a lot of fights, he stole from most of his friends and their friends to keep drinking. He was just a mean guy is all.”

Fluttershy nodded in understanding.

Ryan sighed and, for the first time in a long time, he smiled fully as the thought of his old town came back to him, rising up out of the depths of his mind like a buoy.

“My town was called Elm Haven. It was small, but then again, what town isn’t? It was beautiful, though. It always had the brightest colors in Fall and there was always plenty of snow in Winter. I remember…..swimming at the local pool during December: it was cold out, so I’d have to take care to dry myself off and bring an extra layer for after I was done, but I just loved-”

His words caught in his throat and he felt the tears prick his eyes anew; When he spoke again it was with some difficulty, but now he felt like he needed to speak, to be heard and to hear in turn.

“-I just loved swimming so much. Down there, it was like I was in another world. Away from all my issues, all my regrets. Of course, Dad didn’t know that I went swimming. He was the kind of guy that didn’t like the men doing ‘Girly’ things.”

He sighed as his father’s beet-red, brutish face returned to him.

“But all good things come to an end and, after a few months of this, he found out and gave me the whooping of the year for not telling him. Turns out one of my friends had ratted him out.”

“What did you do?” asked Fluttershy.

“I tracked him down after school one day and…..and I beat him up. He had to go to the hospital and get stitches; He and I didn’t talk after that.”

He could feel Fluttershy’s gaze on his back as he turned away.

“Why didn’t you just tell him how you felt?” she asked accusingly. He started to feel anger welling up inside, but it dissolved when he remembered how she and her friends had treated such things on the show.

“My world’s not like yours, Fluttershy. We have more wars, more death. I bet you guys don’t even fight wars, or have to punish rapists, or-”

“That isn’t true.” said Fluttershy, sounding sad. Ryan turned to look at her, seeing the raw pain in her eyes as he did.

“We do have wars, we do have rape and we’re all too familiar with death. Why would you think we didn’t? Does it have to do with those things that you said when you first came here the night of the gala?”

Zap’s eyes widened as the remembered words came to him:

“I’m gonna kick your prissy asses, ya little fairies! I don’t care if kids are watching!”

He shuddered and said, “I’m sorry I said those things, I really am.”

Fluttershy smiled softly and said, “It’s okay, I forgive you and so do my friends. But I need to know what you meant when you talked about ‘kids watching’.”

Zap gulped. Should I tell her? he wondered, What will happen if I spill? Will they keep me here forever to study? Will they try to wage war on us or something?

These thoughts quickly crowded his mind, making his head ache, until one question pushed its way to the front of his mind: What if they can help me get back?

“Well?” came Fluttershy’s now-impatient voice.

Without really thinking Zap said, “I can’t tell you! It’s bad and I don’t wanna get hurt.”

“No one will hurt you.” said Fluttershy, “I just need to know why you said that.”

“I don’t know, I was crazy from the power, I wasn’t thinking about what I said, please don’t make me tell you, please!”

The intense, teary fear in his tone made Fluttershy back down, and she held up her front hooves.

“It’s alright, I won’t make you tell me anything you don’t want to.” she said calmingly.

It took Zap a few seconds to calm himself, when he could speak again he apologized profusely, forcing Fluttershy to reaffirm that it was, in fact, “Okay.”

They sat in silence after that for a while, Fluttershy gazing at the human with a mixture of sadness and confusion, and the human trying desperately to ward off the darkness of his memories.

Then, in a hushed voice, Fluttershy asked the only other question, besides that which pertained to his lost years, that got a start from him.

“Why did you attack us?”

Zap knew that he at least owed her an explanation, even if he didn’t know if he had it in him to tell her his full reasons, so he took a breath and said, “Because you ruined my life.”

There was silence, and then he felt a weight shift as Fluttershy got off his bed and left.

Zap sniffled as tears came to his eyes and wished, not for the last time, that he could just sleep and not wake up; Anything would be better than living with the knowledge of his own pettiness.

And, entrapped in a silence that seemed to echo off the sterile walls, Zap-or was he Ryan? Wondered just how much of what had happened to him was his fault.

He let out a sob as the memories began to weigh him down.

And was it my fault? It had to have been, I had to have known that trying to hurt innocents would come back to hurt me. What if the…..what if that Thing was sent to punish me? What if it was sent by the princesses? What if-

“Zap, I have returned!” came the happy voice of Luna. The joy and innocence in her tone provided a wonderful distraction and the human felt more gratitude towards her in that moment than he had ever had for his father.

And so he smiled at the lunar princess and thanked her for her help, hoping that her company would keep the darkness at bay.

But his doubts quickly overwhelmed that hope and snuffed it out like a candle in the wind.

Author's Note

This chapter was partially written whilst listening to this:

I hope you liked my attempt at a slightly higher level of Feels.

Until next time, my friends.