Twilight Sparkle, Attorney at Law

by 70monkies3eatchowder6

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Trixie, Comedy
Length: 5648

Applejack gets a Cease and Desist from the Kellogg corporation.

AJ gets a Cease and Desist letter. Twilight is a lawyer, and Pinkie wants to know if Twilight got that thing she sent her.

Published 2014-08-26 16:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-26 16:20:03 UTC

I'll Take the Case!

It is 6 a.m and the sun just rose. Already, the heat beats down on the farm. Applejack prepares for a hard day's work . She stretches, pours herself a fresh bowl of alfalfa and brushes her teeth. She scratches Winona behind the ears, yawns, and stretches again.

"Well, Winona, 'nother day, 'nother apple."

Winona makes no sound but a light, satisfied wimper at the ear scratching. AJ wanders out to get the mail and newspaper. The paper pony is late as usual. AJ looks over to the mailbox and it looks like Ditzy arrived early today.

"Granny, mail's here!" She shouts in typical AJ fashion, then sits down to read her mail while eating her cereal . She opens the letter. At the top in big bold letters is the phrase:

CEASE AND DESIST.

"What in tarnation?" She reads further, blinks twice and shakes her head. "Oh for the love of-- Granny! We got ourselves a problem."

"Alright Spike," Twilight says, "Let's do it one more time, you know, for fun."

"Fun for you maybe," Spike says, "But sickening for me."

"Stop your complaining," Twilight says. "You really need to learn to relax." At this she lifts Spike into the air using her magic and begins to spin him in a forward somersault faster and faster and faster. Eventually Spike gets woozy and his cheeks puff out. He spews out gems everywhere.

"This is wonderful!" Twilight says. "It's like I have my own personal machine gun. I can defend myself against terrorists now!"

In bursts Applejack. She has a weary look on her face.

"Applejack," Twilight says, "What is wrong?"

"Twilight Ahm, Ahm being sued!"

"What?" Twilight says, "Whatever for?"

"Have ya ever heard of the Kellogg corporation?"

"Strange," Twilight says, "I don't believe I have."

"Well, they're part of some big cereal company and because they got a cereal named Applejacks, they're saying I gotta change my name. Somethin' 'bout a trademark or somethin'. Nopony can do that, right Twilight?"

"Hmmm," Twilight says, "This may be problematic. It's rarer for companies to hassle ponies just for having the same name as their products but I've seen it before. Remember Hasbro Lillywheat?"

"...No..."

"That's because she had to change her name."

Applejack gasps. "But I don't wanna change mah name!"

"Well AJ it may be different for you."

A quiet, moment passes. Then, Pinkie Pie bursts through a window in Twilight's office.

"Hey Twilight! Did you get that thing I sent you?"

Twilight facehooves. "Yes Pinky," Twilight says under her breath. "I got that thing you sent me."

"Okie dokie lokie!"

Pinkie Pie jumps super high and breaks through the ceiling.

"Pinkie! For the love of Celestia! Use a door!"

Applejack stares at Twilight for a few seconds. She twitches her nose and scratches. She shrugs.

"So..."

"I'll take the case!"

"Wait, yer a lawyer?" AJ says. "Aw, who am I kidinn'? Of course ya are."

Twilight and Applejack relax at a table at Sugarcube Corner.

"So," AJ says. "What's the plan?"

"We look through all the info, and hope for a loophole." Twilight says.

"That doesn't sound very...erhm, confidant."

Twilight turns her head away toward some commotion in the back of the house. The Cakes seem to be having a small argument with Pinkie Pie, something about her eating all the cupcakes for a special event with Celestia.

"Hello? Earth to Twilight?"

Twilight snaps back to reality. "Um, what?"

"I said your plan didn't sound very confident."

"Oh yes! Sorry. These kinds of things rely on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes you have an answer and other times you don't. One thing I will say AJ, is that you're the Element of Honesty for a reason. Please, do try your best to not let out any outbursts. The less you say here, the less trouble you'll get into. Keep it to short answers if they call you to the stand, understand?"

"Oh gee. Looks like you share your same confidence with me." AJ rolls her eyes.

Twilight puts her hoof to AJ's shoulder. "Oh, don't be like that. Your honesty is appreciated, but in court, they'll twist everything you say."

"Ah know, Ah know. I've jest never been to court before. I don't know how ta talk, how ta look, how ta act. Ya gotta help me Twilight."

Twilight nods reassuringly. "Don't worry. I got this."

The argument in the kitchen bursts out onto the store floor. "Alright! Alright! I'm sorry already! I didn't know they were for Celestia. I'll make more. Hmph!" The angry pink blur lightens at the sight of Twilight. "Oh hey Twilight, hey AJ! Here are your cupcakes! They are really good! Not as good as the ones we're making for Celestia, believe me I would know, but they are veeeeeeeeery tasty." Pinkie Pie licks her lips at the thought of it and stares into space for a few moments before returning to earth. "Whatcha doin?"

"We're working on a court case for AJ."

"Some stupid company wants me ta change my name!"

"Oooh!" Pinkie says. "Can I be the prosecuting attorney?"

Twilight looks at Pinkie. "Why would you want to do that?"

"So I can throw the case of course, silly filly! I just passed the BAR yesterday, you know." Pinkie holds up a diploma.

"I'm afraid that won't be necessary," a blue pony in a purple hat calls out from behind her. "That position has already been filled by the Great and Lawyering Trixie!"

AJ sighs. "Does everypony have a law degree around here?"

"You?" Twilight says. "You're a lawyer?"

Trixie laughs. "Why so surprised, Twilight my dear? Trixie is a pony of many talents!"

"But, but how? When?"

"Well, thanks in part to you, Twilight, Trixie discovered that Trixie was really not as talented a magician as she thought. Trixie soon realized that her true talent was for showponyship. Trixie thought and Trixie thought. Where else could Trixie make use of such a rare talent? Why law if course! So, Trixie studied hard and Trixie studied harder. Trixie passed her exams with flying colors! And now, after years of practice and study, Trixie is certain that Trixie is the best attorney in all of Equestria, and you can be sure that this time, Trixie is not full of hot air."

Twilight grunts and covers her ears. "Ugh! I know speaking third person is your thing, but can you at least use a pronoun once in a while?"

Trixie momentarily glares at Twilight, clears her throat, ignores Twilight's outburst and continues. "When Trixie learned that of all ponies, you were defending Applejack, she just couldn't help herself. Trixie could tell you that this is not personal, but Trixie would be lying."

"You!" AJ says. "I thought you finally learned your lesson."

Trixie smiles and shrugs. "What can Trixie say? She likes to win, and somepony has to represent the Kellogg corporation. Might as well be Trixie." Trixie turns to the crowd of ponies in the bakery. She walks up to the counter and slaps down a ton of bits. "A round of free cupcakes on Trixie!" The crowd cheers. Trixie saunters back over to Twilight. "Study the case, Twilight. It's open and shut. You've got nothing." A few proud high-steps and Trixie is out the door.

"Don't worry about her, Twilight. You can beat her," Pinkie says. "I can even help you search the books."

"I don't know, Pinkie."

"Nonsense! Anything for a good friend!"

"Hmph. Fine. But don't you have cupcakes to make?"

"Oh no, the cupcakes!" Pinkie darts away in a blur.

AJ walks back to Sweet Apple Acres in a slump. She sighs and drags herself home. She's not sure how, but sometimes it seems a day spent in town is more exhausting than a day at the farm. Celestia is taking her time with the sunset today, the sun dragging slowly across the horizon. Applejack wonders if Celestia is stalling for Luna.

"Oh, Applejack, dear! Just the pony I wanted to see."

AJ grunts. Rarity. Of all the ponies to approach her now, it had to be Rarity. She sighs again. "Oh? And how are you doin' today, Rarity?"

Rarity tosses her hair. "Why quite well, Applejack. Thank you for asking." She smiles at Applejack with a wide, exaggerated smile, almost a Pinkie Pie smile. Horror slowly dawns on AJ's face.

"Rarity, why are ya lookin' at me like that? What are ya up ta?"

Rarity puckers her face. "OOOh! AJ. I heard you are going to court and everything, and, well being in court, you really ought to be looking your best."

Applejack deadpans. "What are ya gettin' at?"

"Well..." she says. "It's just that when you go in that day, you can't be coming in with muddy hooves, or without a little grooming or everypony will assume you're ...um, how do I say this politely? Unsophisticated?"

"Argh! Rarity in all my years, there ain't never been a thing out of your mouth that upset me more."

"Applejack, I'm sorry, I just-"

"But, you're right."

"Hunh?"

"You're right. Ah need to make the right impression when Ahm in court."

Rarity does a double take, sees the seriousness of Applejack's expression, and puts a serious face on herself. "Oh! Of course! Well then...I guess we should get started."

Applejack catches her. "Hold on. Look Rarity. I know this is your thing and all, but at the end of the day, I still gotta look like me. Nopony will believe me if I'm all dolled up. People round these parts know that that ain't me, so what I'm saying is-"

"Don't overdo it." Rarity winks. "I understand, Applejack, and honestly, when have I ever done such a thing?"

AJ raises an eyebrow and looks at her.

"Well, hehehe lately anyway."

"All hail, Justice Discord."

"Discord?" AJ mutters closed-mouthed to Twilight. AJ is dressed in a flowery cowgirl outfit, her hair pinned up in an elegant knot, with a little brooch on her hoof that she keeps rubbing unnaturally. "Now I know he didn't get a law degree."

Twilight turns her head to the side in a confused motion. "Discord? What happened to Celestia?"

"Grrrreetings everypony! I am filling in for Celestia today." Discord wears an empathetic frown. "She's come down with a dreaded case of the Blue Flu," He shakes his head sadly. "Well, enough mourning for her. She'll be fine. Let's get a litigating!" He slams his gavel down and it makes a sheep baa sound. "Opening statements. Prosecution first."

Trixie stands and smooths out her suit.

"Fillies and gentlecolts of the jury, before you stands a company that simply wants to protect what is theirs, a company that has invested money and time in creating a brand. The Kellogg corporation does not wish to hassle anypony. They merely want what is theirs, what they paid for and invested in. Imagine if you bought a brand new toy for your filly only to find it was broken when you gave it to her. Imagine the distress you and she would feel. The Kellogg corporation merely wants what they paid for, the legal right to say the word 'Applejack' and conjure in the minds of the public a delicious breakfast cereal, not a dirty farm pony."

Applejack grits her teeth. "Call me a dirty farm pony will ya?" She mutters under her breath.

"Don't let her get to you, Applejack," Twilight mutters back. "If you lose your cool, they win."

AJ nods. Discord curls himself in pleasure. "Ooh, this may be more exciting than I thought. Defense, opening statements," Discord manifests a watermelon, dresses himself in overalls and a white beret and smashes the melon with his gavel. Everypony lurches back in surprise and disgust. "Oh fine." He snaps his fingers and the watermelon guts disappear.

"Uh, yes, well." Twilight clears her throat. "My client, Applejack, like most ponies, did not ask for her name. It was a gift to her, by her grandmother, Grannie Smith, who had no knowledge of this trademark or anything associated with it at the time. Imagine, mares and gentlecolts, if you will, that you had to change your name, the name you've lived with, that everypony in town refers to you by, merely because a company says you aren't supposed to be named that. How would you feel? Do you call that justice? The Kellogg corporation wants to punish my client for the supposed crime of simply being born. How will that stand to you? In what universe could that possibly be considered fair?"

Spike whispers over to AJ from the booths. "Wow, she's good, isn't she?"

"Whoa-ho-ho!" Discord appears out from a bottle of water next to AJ. "You bet she is!" Discord does a quick backward spin in the air and holds his arms behind his head. He catches himself and clears his throat. "I mean, that is to say, this case is interesting and I will need to keep my eyes peeled," He lightly floats back to his judges chair. In the back of the room he sees two ponies get up to leave, Screwball and Berry Punch. "Oh no you don't. Aaaannnd mindswap." The two ponies stand brain dead for a few moments, then look around.

"Awww. I'm sober again." Screwball says. She grabs a drink from Punch and starts chugging away. Punch begins chewing on her hooves. She looks like she's enjoying himself.

"Meh. Close enough. Ok, who's next? Defense, call your first witness!"

"I call Granny Smith to the stand!" Twilight says triumphantly.

Granny Smith slowly creaks toward the stand. A few moments pass. A few moments more. Discord sighs. He manifests a clock which only points to the word slow. "Oh come on, already!" He teleports her to the stand and rolls his eyes to the back of his skull and all the rest of the way around. Grannie Smith shakes for no reason like old mares often do.

"Please state your name for the record."

"Aw, shucks, Twilight. You know me, it's Granny Smith."

"Ah yes, of course," Twilight let's a nervous smile slip. "Granny Smith, when you first named Applejack, did you know what Applejacks actually were?"

"Applejacks? What in blazes are Applejacks?"

AJ facehooves. "Granny, we went over this. It's the brand of cereal that these guys are suing us over, remember?"

"Objection! The witness is clearly too senile to be of any use."

"Senile? I'll show you senile! I'll get the better of you just like I did the timber wolves."

"Overruled," Discord says. "I'm enjoying this too much."

"Yes. I remember now. I found out 'bout that cereal thing only a few days ago. I didn't name her because of that."

"Why did you name her?"

Grannie shrugs. "Thought it sounded nice."

"No further questions."

"Prosecution you may cross examine."

Trixie approaches Grannie Smith confidently. "Grannie Smith. What does your name mean?"

"Why, it's a kind o' apple."

"I see. And Big Mac?"

"A kind o' apple."

"Is everypony in the family named after something apple related?"

"Mmm yes. It's an Apple family tradition, being farmers and all."

"I see. Is there anypony in the family who has a name that doesn't make sense, or would you say they are all pretty much straightforward?"

"Mmm...well I'd say they are all straightforward."

"I see. What then is an Applejack?"

"Well...I uh..." The pride on Grannie's face drops. "...I don't know."

"Don't you think it's a bit unusual that Applejack is the only pony in the entire Apple family who isn't either named after an apple or has something to do with the apple itself?"

"Well now..."

"Golden Delicious, Apple Butter, Apple Cider. Buck Apple. Yet Jack by itself makes no sense. Who would name a pony Jack? The name is nonsense. It doesn't mean anything. It would be like Trixie naming her foal Triangle, which by the way, Trixie would never do."

"Eh now, wassal this now 'bout triangles and book learnin'?"

"Yet she wants to insist that the name Applejack just came to her. Of course it did, just like Big Mac isn't named after a well known sandwich from McHaynolds. No more questions, your honor."

"Neeeeeeeeext witness!" Discord's gavel transforms into the hammer of some unknown thunder god. The ground shakes as the hammer comes down. "Golly, this thing is heavy."

Twilight grits her teeth.

Why did the judge have to be Discord?

"I call Ditzy Doo to the stand."

Ditzy remains seated for a few moments staring happily off in space. Then she startles and stands. She slowly walks toward the stand but misses it by a little and hits her head.

"Heh Heh. Sorry."

She attempts to move to the left a little, but Discord laughs and moves it over a little. Ditzy attempts to climb the stand a few different times as Discord moves it a little each time. Twilight glares at Discord and teleports Ditzy to the stand.

"Oh, Twilight, you're no fun. Oh well, proceed."

"Please state your name for the record."

"Derp- I mean Ditzy Doo."

"Have you always gone by that name?"

"No. I used to go by the name Derpy."

"Why did you change your name? What happened?"

For a brief moment, a flash of anger flies across Ditzy's face. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened. Derpy the Dolphin happened."

"Who is Derpy the Dolphin?"

"You know, the mascot of the Dolphin Tuna corporation. They make cat food out of fish. I personally think it's pretty gross, but cats eat what cats are gonna eat I guess."

"How did Derpy affect you?"

"Objection! Your honor!" Trixie calls out from the back. "What is the relevancy of this?"

"Overruled, Trixie. I think she's going somewhere with this. Continue, Dorky."

"Ditzy."

"Whatever."

"Okay, well, I got a letter from the Dolphin Tuna corporation saying I could no longer use my name and had to change it because Derpy was a Dolphin long before I was a pony."

"Did you try to fight it?"

"No. I just thought it was kind of silly and no big deal at the time. What's a name anyway? I'm still me. If Derpy the Dolphin needed me to be Ditzy, then I'd go with that. No need to waste money and get all legal about it."

Twilight looks at her. "Do you still feel that way?

Ditzy looks down and her eyes drop. A few silent seconds pass. "No."

"Why not?"

A few tears form in Ditzy's eyes. "I...I didn't know. I had no idea how it would change things. You don't think a name makes a big difference, but it does."

"How so?

"Well, first there's the legal issues, like having to change the name on my address everywhere I have an account. Then there's the time spent correcting ponies. Any time a pony called me Derpy, I had to tell them, 'sorry, not Derpy anymore, name's Ditzy Doo,' or else I'd risk getting sued. I don't know if you noticed, but not all ponies like being corrected."

"What happened?"

"Well, some of the ponies get really angry and take it personally, saying stuff like 'Whadya mean you're not Derpy? You've always been Derpy. You best quit lying to me.' and you know I'd like to drop it, just leave it like that, but if somepony saw me talking to him and Dolphin Tuna corporation caught me in the act well that's a lawsuit, so I'm forced to press the issue with ponies who insist I'm just making things up.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Well, it doesn't help that I'm the mailmare and everypony knows me. One mare even hit me. 'Stop making things up,' she said. Though I think that pony at the time was a little drunk. So uncool."

"What else happened?"

"Well, that's not even the worst part. Once everypony finally got over the fact that I changed my name, they all started assuming that because my name was Ditzy that I actually was Ditzy."

"How bad did it get?"

"It was horrible. Every day school children would chant my name. My new name. Adults began speaking slowly around me. I almost lost my job because of it."

"Your job?"

"Yeah, I mean I've always been a bit of a klutz, what with my bum eye and all, but after people started calling me Ditzy it's like I was a whole different mare. I'm not surprised they didn't try to pack my lunch for me, and I'm only certain I didn't lose my job because they were afraid there was some kind of legal issue with it. But even if I didn't lose my job, I lost something worse, all respect anypony ever had for me." Tears form in her eyes.

"Do you have anything you would like to say to Applejack?"

Ditzy lifts her head. "I do as a matter of fact. Fight it, Applejack. Fight them with everything you have. It may not seem like a name amounts to much, but it does. It's life changing. Don't let them take your name away from you."

Trixie rolls her eyes. Twilight turns to face the audience. "Ladies and gentlecolts of the jury. Ditzy's story is not an isolated incident. In the course of my research on this case, I have met a great many ponies." Twilight holds various pictures of Ponyville ponies in front of her. "Snowflake. Sued by the Snow globe corporation. Their mascot? A talking globe named Snowflake. Name is now changed to Bulk Biceps."

"Objection," Trixie says, "That is an isolated incident."

"Continue, Twilight," Discord says. "Trixie, learn what an objection is."

"Hasbro Lillywheat. Sued by Hasbro corporation. Name changed to Wheaty. Sued a second time by Kellogg corporation. Name changed to Wheatface."

"Doesn't prove anything."

"Bon Bon. Sued by a candy corporation. Name changed to Candy Fart Butt."

"That's made up!"

"Dr. Hooves, sued by Bronco Broadcast Corporation. Name changed to Time Turner. No more questions, your honor."

"Okey doke," Discord says. "Let's hear from the prrrrrrrosecution!"

"Are you going to keep doing that the entire time?" Twilight asks.

"Yes."

"I certainly don't mind, your honor," Trixie winks. "I find it delightfully humorous."

"Oh you do? Really?" Discord bats his eyes. "Because I hate flattery. Now ask your questions."

Trixie lightly snorts to herself, then trots over to Ditzy.

"Ditzy Doo," Ditsy cringes at the sound of her name. "You said earlier that you were at first fine with your name change. Why was that?"

"Well, I uh didn't think it was a big deal."

"She didn't think it was a big deal." Trixie paces as she asks her questions.

"Yeah. Uh that's what I said."

"And then, you said that you changed your mind and did care because everypony thought of you as Ditzy."

"That's right."

Trixie stops in place in front of her. "Why then, did you change your name to Ditzy?"

"Well. The uh, Derpy Dolphin lawyer people suggested it.

"And you agreed to it?"

"Well, yeah. Didn't want to create any problems or nothin'."

"You didn't want to create problems."

"Uh...yeah? That's what I said."

"Did you realize that you could have changed your name to anything else?"

"Well, of course! But I didn't want to pick a name that was already taken and start all of this all over again."

"You realize you can change your name now to anything you want, right?"

"I can?"

"Yes! All of you can! Just not to Derpy or anything else that's trademarked."

"So you're saying that if I wanted to, I could change my name to say, Zeus or something?"

"Yes!"

"Oh. Cool...but I miss being called Derpy."

Trixie growls to herself. "You do realize that 'Derpy' and 'Ditzy' mean pretty much the same thing, right?"

Ditzy slams her hooves down hard. "That's not true! Nopony made fun of me before my name change."

Trixie shrugs. "Perhaps just not to your face."

"Come on," Derpy rolls her good eye. "If that's true, that would have to mean that my mom purposely named me that when I was born, before she knew anything else about me. Clearly that's not the case, right?"

The room is silent. Ditzy looks to Trixie with a smug look on her face. She turns to Twilight, who has an empathetic grimace on her face. She looks at Discord who shrugs. Her face turns back to Trixie, who gives her a knowing nod.

"I...I..." Ditzy leaves the stand in tears.

"No further questions."

"Wow Trixie," Discord says. "That's low even for me, and I'm the spirit of Chaos. Defense, any other witnesses?"

"Yes. I call Big Mac to the stand."

Big Mac widens his eyes in surprise and he slowly walks over to the stand.

"Big Mac," Twilight begins. "You are Applejack's sister, right?"

"Eeyup."

"Do you think it is right that Applejack should have to change her name over this?"

"Nnnope."

"Do you think a name change would have a major negative impact on her life?"

"Eeyup."

"Why?"

Big Mac pauses for a moment. "Because her name is Applejack. It isn't anything else. A name is more than just a label you slap on anypony. It is an identity. It is how people come to know you. If you ask me, this whole thing is a might silly. There is room enough in the world for two Applejacks, and from a legal perspective, a company should not be able to sue someone for their name in the first place. It would be different if she started her own cereal brand named Applejacks, but AJ isn't hurting anypony by doin' what she's doin'. If anything, as the Element of Honesty, Applejack is a role model, and if I were the CEO of the Kellogg corporation I'd personally be proud of her name being associated with my cereal. If anything, they should be grateful, but I suppose they've never seen it that way."

Twilight blinks for a moment. "I suppose I couldn't put it better myself. No other questions."

Big Mac looks over at AJ and smiles.

"Alright," Discord slams down his gavel and it makes the sound of the horn of a large freight ship. "Prosecution?"

Trixie nervously looks around. "Oh, uh...no questions, your honor."

Everypony pauses. Discord raises an eyebrow. "Alright? Any further witnesses, Twilight."

"Nnnope." she says.

"Hardey har," Discord says. "Alright. Prosecution. Do your thing."

"Wait," Trixie says. "Did you just call me the prostit..." She trails off and stares at him confused.

Discord stares back a moment. "Wait, you thought I said? Bwahahahaha! You silly pony you. Get on, continue with your case." He stifles a few more giggles and then, "Silly pony."

"Yes. Well. I only have one pony to call to the stand. Applejack."

Twilight bites her lip. Applejack and Twilight look at each other nervously.

"Oh gee," Discord says. "Didn't see that one coming."

Applejack walks to the stand, a little nervously.

Trixie grins. It is as though she can tell AJ is nervous. "Applejack, do you like your name?"

AJ raises an eyebrow. "What the hay kind of question is that? Course I do. That's why ahm doin' this."

Trixie nods. "Applejack. Could you read this out for me?"

Her eyebrow maintains its arched position. "Okaaay. Section 5.2 trademarks."

Twilight cringes. She knows exactly the card Trixie is playing. AJ continues.

"If a pony wishes to name herself after a trademarked icon, name, or public figure owned by a private or corporate company, that pony must first request permission from the owner of that trademark or be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. If..."

"That will be all Applejack. Thank you. What did you suppose I had you read?"

"Some fine print for-"

"It is the very law that this case is based on, Applejack. Do you think yourself above the law?"

"Of course not! It's jest that--"

"So you agree with the law."

"Yes! I mean no."

Trixie smiles broadly. "Which is it?"

Applejack collects herself. "I don't think I'm above the law, but I don't agree with it either."

"PSH! Talk about splitting hairs! Really Applejack, what's the difference?"

"There is a HUGE difference! I understand why we have tha law, but that doesn't mean I think this law is right."

Twilight sees AJ shaking. She can tell Applejack is getting riled.

"But it is the law, isn't it, Applejack? All this aside, this is the law, and all your hoping is not going to change it, and the reason for that is that laws are made for a reason."

"Can't for the life o' me see what that reason is."

"Being in business, you of all ponies should understand. Imagine if some pony started walking around selling Apple family apples in your name. How would you feel?"

"I'd be angry, cuz they'd be lying."

"Well, imagine how the Kellogg company feels about you."

"How is that related?"

"Here you are, running around with the name of Applejack, when you aren't their cereal mascot. You are the element of honesty, aren't you? Isn't that a form of lying?"

"I don't like that you're implying I'm a liar."

Trixie shrugs. "If the horseshoe fits."

AJ's eyebrows narrow and her whole body begins to resemble her brother's in color.

"That. Is not. The same. Thing!"

Trixie tilts her head slightly. Her knowing smile returns to her face. She leans over and very lightly and innocently says,

"Why not?"

Applejack stops and thinks. Trixie continues.

"We've already established that you aren't always honest. Remember Applejack? When the Flim Flam brothers came to town and sold your grannie that tonic, you weren't honest right away, were you? Even the Element of Honesty is capable of misleading or bending the truth once in a while."

Applejack slams her hooves down. "You're obscuring the truth! Ah never said Ahm their cereal mascot. There can be more than one Applejack. I'm not tryin' ta profit off ya. I'm just trying ta keep mah name. Is that so much to ask?"

"According to the law, yes," Trixie says. "No more questions."

Discord states disinterestingly into his claws. "Defense, your witness."

Twilight stands, but she pauses to think. Something is off about that law, but what? An idea sparks and her eyes widen.

"One moment your honor. I need to get a file here."

She uses her magic to rummage through her briefcase. At last, she removes a file.

"Applejack. Could you please read this document for me?"

"Sure, Twilight. If a pony wishes to name herself after a trademarked icon, name, or public figure owned by... what the hay, Twilight? We already read this."

"Objection! Old evidence. This has already been displayed by the prosecution."

Twilight looks to Discord. "There's more that she didn't mention."

Discord sighs. "Oh great, more boringese. Go ahead."

"Read on, AJ."

"If a pony was named before the trademark was put into place, that pony is acxampt from this ruling."

"Exempt."

"Whatever. If a pony did not choose their name, was named while unaware of the copyright, and has maintained that name for over 15 years, that pony is ex, ax-"

"Exempt"

"Acxampt from this ruling."

"You can stop, AJ."

"Are you sayin'?"

"Exactly so. Looks like you're above the law after all." Twilight winks at Trixie. Trixie scrunches her nose."

"Welly, welly well." Discord scratches his chin. "Look who tried to hide the key fact revolving around the case. Which part of it burns the most, Trixie? The fact that you have pretty much no change of winning this case, or the fact that if you didn't bring up the law, nopony would have even known and you probably would have won? Lesson learned I suppose. Okay jury. Do your thing."

"Wait." Trixie says. "What about closing statements?"

"No need. As I said. Open and shut." Discord manifests a door and slams it in Trixie's face to accent his point.

As the jury of ponies leave, they look around nervously between AJ and Trixie. Trixie simply smiles.

"What did I tell you," Twilight whispers. "Loophole."

AJ doesn't hear her. She keeps staring at Trixie.

"Um, Twilight?"

"Yeah?"

"Something's wrong. Look at Trixie's face. She doesn't look like somepony who is almost certainly going to lose a lawsuit."

"In fact..." Twilight stares as well. "She doesn't look worried at all. Something is off." She looks over at the door where the jury is deliberating. "The jury! She bought out the jury!"

AJ widens her eyes. "Ya sure?"

"Look at her, what else could it be?"

"Why that no good, low down,"

"Relax, Twilight. I got this."

For a moment Twilight is confused. She looks around wondering who spoke to her. Then she looks up to her judge. He continues to stare at his eagle claw, seemingly disinterested, then looks over to Twilight and winks. Twilight stares in surprise.

"What are we gonna do, Twilight?"

"We wait, AJ. I think we still got something working for us."

The jury returns. Discord rolls his eyes. "Gee, that was quick." Trixie stifles a giggle to herself.

"Oh almighty jury, have you reached a decision."

"We have, your um honor."

"Your honor is fine, what's your decision?"

"We find the defendant...guilty."

"I am quite literally the spirit of chaos and disorder, and even I think this is absurd. Because of that, I am ruling in favor of the defendant, even if I think her name is ridiculous"

AJ jumps up excitedly. "Oh thank you, your honor."

"Hold on, I'm not finished. You can do this...on one condition."

"Okay..." AJ grimaces.

"For one day, and one day only, you must answer to the name PoopyMcPlopClopDingleFace."

Discord slams down his gavel, breaks a hole through the judge's table and jumps through it.

Twilight and AJ just stare at each other for a moment.

"Well, you heard him."

"No way. No applebuckin' way."