How an Actual Human Vs Pony War Would Go

by HonestAJ4President

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Original Character
Length: 1267

This is how an actual human/pony war would go.

Warning; This is not to be taken seriously, and the degree by which humans win (spoilers) has been amplified for the purpose of comedy.
Have you been reading a 'Human/Pony War' fic and been wondering how the ponies are putting up a fight with medieval level weapons and magic, while we have firearms, nuclear weapons, armies the size of their entire population and most importantly, years and years of perfecting the art of war. This is how an actual human/pony war would go.... with comedy.
9/11/14- FUGGIN A, I GOT FEATURED! Holy crap I go to sleep after sending it for submission, wake up, check it, pretty good support, I go to school, come back and I have hundreds of comments, favorites and 10 new people followed me
10/11/14- Christ, we're 3 likes away from 1,000.

Published 2014-09-11 06:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-17 05:13:25 UTC

The 5 Minute Battle

Author's Note

This is not meant to be taken serious and I thought of it after reading the 'Something that human vs. pony stories rarely consider' thread on the 'Humans are Superior' group. It made a good point; which thinks faster, a computer of a Tomahawk Missile or a unicorn that is tasked with stopping a Tomahawk Missile, and has never seen a Tomahawk Missile. Again, don't take any of this serious. Please excuse my blatant misuse of military equipment.

The 5 Minute Battle

The 5 Minute Battle

A UN meeting was underway when there was a bright flash and a white winged unicorn appeared in front of everyone. "Hello humans. I am Princess Celestia and I have come to rid the multiverse of your scum. You constantly slaughter and lie to each other and destroy your world. I have come to put an end to it. I give you a week to gather your army and then, I will invade." Then there was another flash and 'Princess Celestia' was gone.

The Security Council President, Eugene-Richard Gasana, stood up and said "All in favor of putting all wars on hold to defend ourselves."

There was a resounding "Aye."

"All opposed," he continued. No one said 'Nay' and he added "Leaders of the world, prepare your armies. We have no idea where the ponies will come through."

A Week Later
NORAD Control

"Sir, we're picking up something in the Great Plains. Strange flashes and an unexpected storm."

"Get the President on the phone, code red people, code red!"

The Great Plains

Celestia walked triumphantly out of the portal, her army of Royal Guards behind her. Shining Armor was next to her, all with battle armor and weapons made of solid gold. After all of her 40 thousand soldiers were out of the portal, she used her Royal Canterlot Voice to give a speech. "SOLDIERS OF EQUESTRIA! TODAY WE HAVE COME TO THIS DIFFERENT UNIVERSE TO WIPE THE MULTIVERSE OF THEIR SCUM! I AM TALKING ABOUT HUMANS; THEY CONSTANTLY SLAUGHTER AND LIE TO EACH OTHER AND DESTROY THEIR OWN WORLD! WE WILL BE THE HEROES OF THIS WORLD AND THE MULTIVERSE! YOU WILL ALL BE HONORED IN THE WALLS OF HONOR!" Suddenly a small helicopter loaded with soldiers flew overhead and a general with a megaphone spoke to her.

"Hello, Princess Celestia. This is your first, and final, warning. Surrender and go back to your world, we will not follow. Attack and we will open fire. There are 6 C-130s carrying over 30 M1A2 Abraham tanks, 8 F-35s, 3 A-10s, 6 Apache Attack Helicopters, 10 Sea Knight medium lift helicopters filled with US Marines, and multiple Tomahawk Missiles standing by for launch. Overall, there are over 350 heavily armed soldiers waiting for a war. Do you surrender?"

"PAH, WE HAVE 40 THOUSAND SOLDIERS, ARMED WITH SOLID GOLD ARMOR AND WEAPONS! YOU DO NOT STAND A CHANCE!"

The pilot could be heard saying "Is she serious?!" in the helicopter.

The general again spoke into the megaphone "Are you serious? Solid gold armor and weapons."

"OF COURSE. NOW, IF YOU SURRENDER YOUR DEATH WILL BE QUICK!"

"It's your funeral." was the last thing the general said before reaching for his radio and saying "We are a go." The helicopter flew away and Celestia thought that they were retreating.

"SEE, MY SOLDIERS! WE HAVE ALREADY SCARED THEM OFF! COME, WE MARCH!"

The USS Missouri, the USS Iowa and the USS New Jersey

"Launching Tomahawks."

Great Plains

"Princess, what's that noise?" asked Shining Armor shortly before 3 Tomahawk Missiles struck the 40 thousand soldiers, many of which died. "WHAT IN TARTARUS WAS THAT!" shouted Shining.

"Simply human magic, my general. Nothing to fear." replied shortly before a 6 large, flying objects were seen in the distance. 5 smaller objects dropped out of the back of each. Shortly after the large objects flew overhead. "Pegasi, destroy them."

"Yes, ma'am." The pegasi in the army took off and approached the large objects. Suddenly, many of the pegasi were shred to pieces and a smaller flying objects shot by.

"Ma'am, I believe that we should retreat." suggested Shining.

"No, my general, they are just getting lucky." replied Celestia.

After a few seconds, Shining replied "Ma'am, all the pegasi are dead. We are taking massive casualties and it has only been 3 minut- wait, what's that rumbling?" Then a row of 6 columns of Abrahams came into view over the horizon, about a mile away.

In the Distance

"Alright boys. Intel says that the opposition has solid gold armor, this should be easy. What's the plan?" asked a commander of a lead tank.

"BLITZKRIEG!" shouted most of the commanders.

"Fuck yeah, BLITZKRIEG!" shouted the commander as he ordered all tanks to charge and call in air support.

Back to Ponies

"Ma'am, the metal carriages are advancing. Orders?" said Shining Armor, visibly looking for a place to run.

"This is where we turn the tide; FORM A DEFENSIVE LINE! WE WILL STOP THOSE MONSTROSITIES HERE!" said Celestia in her Royal Canterlot Voice. The 3,000 ponies remaining formed the line when a large amount of smoke was ejected from the barrel of one of the tanks. Shortly afterward, there was a massive explosion and many more of the ponies died.

More tanks fired and more ponies were blown to hell. "Teleport to Canterlot?" asked Shining.

"Teleport to Canterlot." agreed Celestia. "WE WILL BE BACK HUMANS, AND THEN WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!" There was a flash and Celestia and Shining were gone.

One of the ponies noticed this and said "THOSE MOTHERBUCKERS!". He was then teleported to the moon, however, a SABOT round that was about to ruin his day came with him.

"RETREAT TO THE PORTAL!" shouted a lieutenant unicorn, the only remaining officer in the once 40,000 strong army that was now only 376 ponies. There were only earth ponies and unicorns left, as all the pegasi had been killed trying to stop the A-10s that were continuously strafing them.

They barely made it a sixteenth of the way before all of them were killed. Celestia, sitting safe and sound in her throne room, sensed this and entered the mindscape to see the possibilities of her victory in the Multiverse. After an hour of searching, she discovered for every 1 where she got to the outskirts of a city, there were another million where her forces were slaughtered and even that was generous, as all the universes where she got to a city she didn't visit the UN meeting and announce her plan. It appeared that she would never wipe the multiverse clean of humanity.

However, she realized that maybe, just maybe, humanity was a necessary evil. They had advanced more than her ponies ever would, reached the moon without magic and were discovering the inner workings of the universe. Maybe she could find a universe where she didn't try to invade and be friendly with them. 'Yes that's it.' she said to herself 'I wouldn't be a very good leader if I didn't do what is best for my little ponies. I must try again.'

Then she realized that something had crossed into her universe. She knew it couldn't be any survivors, so she looked out the large window and saw a large tube flying towards the castle. 'Great,' she thought to herself, 'I decided to change my ways and they decided to nuke me. Sometimes the Multiverse isn't fair.' She, as well as Canterlot, was vaporized by a nuclear explosion.

THE END
Or is it? Probably is but it's the multiverse.