The Black Hoof: A Mafia Story

by patridam

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity, Adventure
Length: 24354

Spike was just a chauffeur before being swept up by the mafia underworld. The glitz and glamour of the city promise him the good life, provided he can endure the harsh realities of the criminal underworld without a bullet to the temple.

Los Relinchos is the entertainment capitol of Equestria: gambling, dancing, music, and general hedonism are the order of the day in this desert paradise. But beneath the glow of the neon lies the heart of a city corrupted by organized crime. From casinos to car dealers, record labels to restaurants; the black hoof is into everything in the city. Two rival families have remained in an uneasy truce for the past thirty years, as Los Relinchos grew from a small gem-mining backwater into a monument to vice. But this truce is about to be broken - and Spike has the misfortune of landing in the middle of it. Two mobsters bring him in on the side of Don Celestia, and he follows the ups - money, cars, mares - and the downs - senseless violence, betrayal, mistrust - of "the life" over the years in this alternate universe fic inspired by the likes of Mafia and Goodfellas.

Published 2014-10-18 20:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-08 21:41:29 UTC

Mrs. Sandmare

Mrs. Sandmare, bring me a colt,
Please make him handsome, and fast as a bolt.
Give him the word that I'm not an old cob,
Then tell him that he makes a young mare’s heart throb.
Sandmare, I'm so alone,
Don't have nopony to call my own.
Please turn on your magic beam,
Mrs. Sandmare, bring me a dream.

Mrs. Sandmare, bring who I dream,
Give him the strength of a whole stagecoach team.
Give him a tender heart, like a cowpony,
None of the rudeness of a Canterlot phony.
Sandmare, someone to love,
Please oh please with all the above.
So just turn on your magic beam,
Mrs. Sandmare bring me a dream.

The Pony Tones

Spike couldn't help but feel a little nervous. He'd hoped turning on the radio would calm his nerves, and maybe even make the mares in the Platinum's wide back seat liven up a little. After he'd picked them up the white unicorn mare had politely asked him to head west, out of the city; but neither had said a word since then. It wasn't especially unusual to go that distance, he'd taken ponies all the way to Las Pallas, but just "west" wasn't exactly a destination one heard too often. It was also unusual for anyone - let alone mares like these, that is, mafiosos - to load their own luggage, but they had insisted he stay in the car. No, it was the silence that really worried him.

He wasn't concerned by the fact they were in with the mob, which was pretty obvious by their choice of clothing. He'd had to get used to it, since the bread and butter of a chauffeur in Los Relinchos was ferrying them around. There were even more now that the Horseshoe Hotel had bought out a controlling interest in the limo agency. He'd found that most of the stereotypes weren't spot on, though. Most were fairly nice to him, nicer than some tourists and businessmen, even. He'd even driven these very two mares around before, though not both at the same time. The white mare in the double-breasted suit, whom he remembered was named Rarity (he'd briefly toyed with the idea of asking her out), always struck him as very polite and proper, but rather cold and distant. The blue pegasus in the floral shirt, on the other hand, had always been incredibly gregarious and friendly, if a little boastful (incidentally, he'd had no trouble remembering that her name was Rainbow Dash - it was kind of on-the-nose, not that a dragon named Spike was in a position to point it out).

But as the big blue sedan glided across the two lane road, delving further into the desert, neither mare seemed especially interested in talking or even listening. Despite his attempts to strike up a conversation, Rarity had simply kept starting intently out the window at the empty landscape punctuated by cacti. Dash - as she'd asked him to call her before - was using her wing to fiddle with her power window control, continuously making it slide up and down. He'd considered telling her that she was letting the refrigerated air out, but something had obviously got both of the mares worried. That was when he decided to switch on the radio, and "Mrs. Sandmare" came out of the two speakers in tinny glory.

Once the song finished, Rarity stirred. She put her hoof up against the window, and said "Darling, would you please pull over to the side of the road up here. Near the rock."

Spike did as he was asked. The sedan sat at the side of the road, about twenty yards from a big boulder about 10 feet in diameter. "What would you like for me to do, ma'am?" asked Spike.

"Oh, nothing, Dash and I will handle everything. You just.. keep an eye out, would you?" Spike nodded, though he didn't like where this was going.

"I'll dig if you carry" said Dash, directed at Rarity.

"Deal."

Spike tried to concern himself with the radio as the two mares got out and trotted to the back of the car. "Hey kid, could you pop the trunk?" asked Dash from the back. He did so, and then caught a glimpse of what the two had loaded into it before. A big Saddle Arabian rug, neatly rolled but nonetheless rather lumpy in the middle. Rarity levitated it as the two mares walked over to behind the rock.

Twenty minutes later, the two came back out, sans rug. Dash's front hooves were rather dirty, and she carried her expensive looking shoes in her mouth by the strings. The two got back into the seat, looking somewhat relieved. "Alright dear, back to the city. The Horseshoe Hotel & Casino, if you would."

He turned the car around in a wide U turn across the road, and set back from whence they had came. He was relieved, too. He wasn't stupid, it was rather obvious what they just did, but his worst fear was that they'd driven out here to bury him, so even this was better. He eased in for a lengthy trip back, figuring it'd be night by the time they returned to the city.

He was surprised when, within five minutes, another car appeared on the horizon. When it got close enough for him to see it was a violet Chancellor B490 coupe, he heard a quiet whisper of "Oh horseapples" from Dash. He briefly turned his head to see that both Rarity and Dash had ducked down beneath the windows. The car passed by, and they both let out a breath of relief. Spike then heard a tremendous squeal of tires, and as he looked back he saw the car making an abrupt U-turn.

As it began to follow the Platinum, he heard Dash whisper "Hey kid, do you think we'd be able to outrun that car?". Spike took pride in his Platinum Princess, being the only chauffeur to actually own what he drove for the agency, but even he had to admit it was most definitely not capable of outrunning a B490. He told Dash so.

"Well then, if she doesn't try to kill you, pretend we aren't here," said Rarity, curling up even further in the rear foot well. Dash did the same. If Spike was nervous before, he was downright terrified now. The Chancellor easily overtook them, pulling in front of him and then slowing down. When both cars were stopped, Spike saw the other car contained no less than five ponies. That is, until the driver stepped out.

The light blue unicorn dropped her cigarette to the ground, stomping out with a black leather loafer before walking over to Spike's window.

"You. Name?" asked the unicorn.

"Spike."

"Alright Spork, the Great and Powerful Trixie needs to know if you've seen any other cars heading west," said Trixie.

"Whaa? Who's the Great and Pow..."

"Did. You. See. Another. Car" said Trixie, growing curt.

"I.. umm.. no, not a one." replied Spike. Dragons didn't sweat like ponies did, so he hoped she wouldn't catch how nervous he was.

Trixie levitated a large chrome-plated revolver from her suit jacket, and started polishing it nonchalantly. "What about a pair of mares, a white unicorn and a blue pegasus?" she asked.

Spike swallowed and rasped out "No."

She let the pistol hang there, and, looking at Spike; no, looking through him; said "You sure?"

He nodded.

She stared out along the car's tail fin, off into the desert beyond. After a few seconds of contemplation, she turned back and said, with a twinge of sarcasm, "Trixie thanks you for your... help." She turned back and trotted to the door of the Chancellor, shaking her head at the other ponies inside. "Trixie told you they would've gone the other way. I don't know why I even listen to you." She got in and the car took off, showering the Platinum in a spray of pebbles and sand.

When the car was out of sight, the two mares in back emerged from hiding, Rarity making an exaggerated gasp as if she had been underwater for too long.

"What the hell was that about?" asked Spike as he started the car and pulled back onto the road.

Rarity obliged. "You see, that... rug we buried, it was rather important to Trixie. She isn't one to...

"Oh can it, Rarity," interrupted Dash. "Unless this guy is as dumb as rock, he's figured out we ain't gone out to the middle of the desert to bury a carpet."

"Dash! We have to be discerning in who we trust; that's how we got into this mess in the first place." She quickly said to Spike "No offense to you, of course."

Dash ignored her,. "You see kid, we let somebody into our crew who wasn't quite on the level. She was you might call a double-agent, spying on us for another family. We found out, and Celestia - that's our boss - ordered us to beat her up a bit, send a message to them. You know."

"And then Dash shot her in the face," groaned Rarity, evidently giving up on secrecy.

"For the last time, it was an accident! The car hit a bump and the gun just went off! I was as surprised as you were."

"Oh yes, I do recall you being rather surprised when you said 'I just shot Peachy in the face'. Next time, don't keep your hoof on the trigger."

"Uh, yeah, I screwed up. We called you out to pick us up since Rarity's car was just a little teensy bit covered in blood," Dash said to Spike.

"Oh, dear, I'd almost forgot. I might as well get a new car now, that'll never come out... and I expect you to pay to replace Twilight's rug."

"What? The rug was your idea!"

"It's your fault we needed it!"

"Fine, fine. But we're going to explain this to Celestia together." Dash directed her attention back to Spike, who remained silent. "Anyway, Peachy was really one of Luna's goons, which is why shooting her isn't something to be taken lightly. Spying ain't exactly against the terms of the truce, but killing each other certainly is. Trixie, being Luna's capo, must've caught wind of Peachy's disappearance and gone on the lookout for us."

Spike finally spoke. "Why does she talk like that, calling herself great and powerful?"

"Narcissism is a hell of a drug," replied Rarity, making a none-too subtle glance towards Dash in the seat beside her.

Dash didn't even notice. "Anyway kid, thanks. You stayed cool in a tough situation. We could use somepon.... eh, someone like you. But first Rarity and I gotta sort this mess out with the big cheese."

They all settled down for the ride back to Los Relinchos. Spike turned the radio back up, some upbeat big band keeping things pleasant as night began to fall across the vast desert. It was dark when the car finally rumbled over the potholes on Freehoof Street, signifying their return to civilization. Spike turned the corner at the Golden Apple Gambling Hall, noting another letter had burned out so the rooftop neon sign read "Go den Ap e Ga bling Hall." Places like that were quickly being replaced by the all-inclusive resorts springing up like weeds along the boulevard. The cylindrical skyscraper in the middle of downtown stood to their right, the huge sign reading "Cadenza Records" seeming to float in midair above the darkened building. Soon they left downtown behind for the numerous casinos along Los Relinchos Boulevard. The Lotus Lounge and Casino, splendid with green and purple neon, was first up on the right. Spike had never been there, but he heard the donkeys that ran the place put out quite the buffet. On the left was the Final Frontier Desert Resort, with white neon outlines of stars on a blunt dark blue facade. Next door to it was a new construction site proclaiming it to be the new home of a new casino, The Sultan. The oldest hotel on the boulevard, Del Huerto Relinchos, stood low beyond that, with minimal neon on its rustic structure; but that was not his destination.

Instead he turned right into the semicircular drive of the Horseshoe Hotel & Casino. In the center of the U shaped drive was a fountain with the water dyed pink, surrounded by lush plants that would never have survived in this climate before. A wide porch followed the outside of the drive, behind which lay the one story building. A newly minted hotel tower stood high above the low body of the casino, topped with a giant pink neon horseshoe. Purple neon cursive announced the resort's name from the 14th (actually the 13th, but you know superstitions) floor. The car glided to a stop before the plate glass doors leading into the marble-clad lobby.

The two mares exited the back seat. Rarity trotted off into the building without another word, while Dash came up to Spike's window. "Here, kid, take this," she said as she took a card from her pocket with her mouth and deposited it in Spike's claw. "You tell him that Dash sent you, and he'll line you up with some work. You do good enough, maybe you might end up like me." She thought for a moment. "Well, probably not, but you can hope, right? Anyway, I think you got the guts and the discretion for this business, but you can keep on doing what you're doing and forget this ever happened. The one thing you ain't gonna do is tell anyone about it, capiche?"

"Of course, ma'aam."

"Like I said kid, call me Dash," she said, patting him so hard on the back he coughed out a little smoke. "See you round, Spike."

Spike contemplated things as she walked away. He'd gotten used to being around mob mares over the last year in this gig, but he'd never considered working with them. The voice of Sister Sunny Rays echoed in his head: "Don't go gettin' involved with the black hoof son, work like that corrupts the soul. They'll use your skills and toss you out when you get caught." Of course, she was a nun at the orphanage, so it was her job to keep fillies, colts, and in Spike's case, baby dragons, out of trouble. She'd also been the one to bless him with the name "Spike T. Dragon" where, T stood for "The". He glanced down at the business card.

F. RICH & DAUGHTER
AUTO SALES, SERVICE, & ACQUISITION
3800 HONESTY AVENUE
LOS RELINCHOS, EQUESTRIA
MW-4960
OPEN 7 DAYS PER WEEK 8 AM TO 8 PM

A car dealership was hardly the illicit enterprise he had expected. In fact, he remembered buying the Platinum at the very same dealership. Well, he didn't buy it precisely, more like 'arranged financing for it'. That just brought up more questions for him. What would a car dealership need someone "discreet" for? He figured the only way to find out was to go and talk to this F. Rich and see what he was offering. If he didn't like it, he always had the option to refuse.

Hey hey kids, this is DJ Vinyl Scratch on PEPP, Los Relinchos' home of rock and roll. Now, it's time for the news. You remember that Appaloosa senator we talked about yesterday, making a fuss up in Canterlot? Well, after a 24 hour filibuster Senator Silverstar nearly collapsed from exhaustion and hunger, allowing the passage of the Non-Pony Rights Bill. This bill disallows businesses and schools to segregate against the zebras, dragons, mules and the like. Not everypony was in agreement about the bill's passage, but word is Vice President Jet Set offered an olive branch of sorts by giving a Canterlot Chew candy bar to the famished Silverstar. In local news, construction workers finally broke ground on the new Sultan Casino, which is expected to open by spring of next year. Now, back to the music.

Dear Mares & Kindly Stallions

I love those dear mares, and kindly stallions,
Who live in my home town.
Because those dear mares, and kindly stallions,
They never ever wear a frown.

They munch on cupcakes,
And harvest apples.
That's how their weekend goes.
I've got a dream house,
I'll have there someday,
With a roof of thatch and timber walls.
I feel so happy, each time that I return,
Since a party's thrown to welcome me.
I love the dear mares and kindly stallions,
Who sing and hug in my home town.

F. Shyy & The Farriers

Honesty Avenue was home to most of Los Relinchos' car dealerships, an irony which was not lost on Spike. Evidently whomever had named the city's streets was either very optimistic or had a sense of humor. He'd asked for the day off, and as he waited at the intersection of Honesty Avenue and Kindness Street, he wondered if he was wasting his time. Car dealers struck him as sleazy, sure, but he hadn't considered that they would be in cahoots with the black hoof. The Platinum glided forward when the light turned green, and Spike flipped up a chrome lever for the turn signal. He pulled into the parking lot outside F. Rich Auto Sales. He'd been here a year ago, but things had changed quite a bit since then.

The lot was no longer full of Platinum cars, instead, it was now full of new Starswirl sedans, coupes, and convertibles for sale. Even the Platinum logo painted on the building (a silver and purple crown, matching the hood ornament on Spike's car) was hastily covered up with a banner depicting the Starswirl logo, a stylized six-pointed star inside of a crescent. He'd heard that the Platinum Motor Company wasn't doing particularly well, but that dealerships would be so fickle as to abandon ship like this was surprising. He stopped in a space close to the building, a white tile-clad affair with large windows looking into a granite-clad showroom.

He made a beeline for the reception desk, making it halfway across the room before a tall cream-colored unicorn with red and white hair stood in his way, smiling an incredibly broad grin down at him. "Well heellllloooo there sir, how can I help you on this fine day?" he asked.

"Oh, I'm just here to see Mr. Rich," replied Spike, trying to push past him.

"Indeed! A stall... dragon of importance such as you must be then, and one of fine taste as well! The name's Flam, and I'm glad to make your acquaintance. I couldn't help but notice you're driving a Platinum Princess."

"Well, yes, but I'm not inter..."

"Let me tell you something, uh.. what was your name again?"

"Spike, but like I'm trying to say..."

"Look here, Spike; a Platinum's a fine car, finest car in Equestria a mere year ago. A perfect car for getting somewhere, but what I have here is a car that's for when you've arrived," Flam said as he dragged Spike over to a black coupe. "This here's a Starswirl Supreme, the perfect car, if I do say so myself. The power of 300 earth pony stallions under the hood, three speed automatic, leather seats, and a hoof-made body. It's a little steep, at 10,000 bits, but you simply can't beat it."

Spike prepared to speak again and be interrupted again when a female voice erupted from behind him. "Flam, this one's mine! This is my up! You can't go stealing other ponies sales!" Spike turned around to see a pink earth pony with purple and white hair yelling at Flam.

"That zebra didn't count, Diamond Tiara! Filthy had to authorize it himself; I didn't see a bit," said Flam. Spike saw his opportunity to sneak away while the two argued, and he almost made it without being noticed.

Flam called out to Spike "But you haven't even heard the song yet!" but Spike was already at the reception desk. Flam turned back to Diamond Tiara, saying "Now look what you did, you lost a sale for the both of us!"

The silver earth pony mare at the reception desk lowered the newspaper she was reading. She straightened up and smiled, but it wasn't a fake smile like Flam's. The name tag on her blouse read 'Silver Spoon'. She was cute, perhaps a little younger than him, although Spike himself was barely old enough to drink.

"How can I help you today, sir?" she said pleasantly.

"I'm here to speak with Filthy Rich. He's supposed to have some work for me," said Spike.

"Oh, of course," she picked up her phone and hit 1 on the keypad. As it rang, she asked "Who shall I say is here to see him?"

"Spike T. Dragon, but I've been sent here by Rainbow Dash."

"Mr. Rich, sir, there's someone here to see you. A Spike T. Dragon." Some grumbling emanated from the phone. "Sir, he's been sent for work by a Rainbow Dash." The phone exploded in jovial recognition. Even Spike could make out the pony on the other end saying "Send him in, send him in!"

Silver Spoon laid down the receiver and said, "Alright, his office is just at the end of the hall on the left. A word of advice, though, call him Rich. He hates being called Filthy." Spike nodded and walked down the hall to Rich's office. He opened the door slowly.

"Come in, my boy. Sit on down!" said the brown earth pony with a slicked back mane. "A friend of Dash is a friend of mine!" Spike sat down in a plush lounge chair, sinking down so far that Rich towered over him behind his large desk.

"I was told you might have some work for me."

"Indeed. Now, it might not be precisely easy work, or what you're used to; but I promise the pay is quite handsome. Almost as handsome as me!" said Filthy Rich with a guffaw. "Now, as I understand it, you currently have loans outstanding with us here, to pay for your Platinum Princess?"

"Yes, I've been paying them back on time though."

"Of course, no doubt in my mind. You seem to be a responsible young pon... dragon. But how does this sound: you do a few things for me, and that debt disappears. Do anything else beyond that, and you'll receive appropriate compensation."

"I'm listening."

"Well, as most of our customers don't have the bits necessary to buy a car outright, they finance with us. If they keep up with their payments, like you have, everything is fine and dandy. But some can't or won't pay us our dues, so we have no choice but to repossess their car. We have three such cases at the moment, and there are always more."

"Why do you give loans to people who won't pay it back?"

"Two of these cases, it seemed they'd have no trouble paying it back. But one of them lost their job, and another got injured. They couldn't make the payments anymore. Those should be easy for you."

"If they're so easy, why do you need me? Is this illegal or something?"

"Good question, sport. Well, you have to hot-wire the cars to take them back unless you somehow get the keys from the defaulter - unlikely. Look at these here hooves; does it look like I, or any other earth pony for that matter, could hot-wire a car? I'd have Flam do it, but he ran away last time after an old mare started hitting with an umbrella. Great salesman, but a coward if there ever was one. And, no, taking the cars is perfectly legal, though the trespassing sometimes necessary to take them... well, lets just say, it's not exactly legal but it's not explicitly illegal, either."

"Am I going to be hit with an umbrella, too?"

"Odds point to no. The first too, like I said, should be easy. The injured stallion is still in the hospital, and the unemployed mare is unlikely to put up much of a fight, unless you count crocodile tears."

"What about the third?"

"Oh, yeah. That might be slightly less safe. You see, a zebra came in here yesterday and put 2,000 bits down on a new Supreme. It isn't company policy to sell to zebras, but with that I made an exception. Problem is, on her loan paperwork she put an empty lot as her address, and forged credit references from a bank that's never heard of her. We're pretty certain she isn't going to be paying the remaining 8,000 bits, well, ever. Unfortunately, by the time I figured it out she and the car were long gone."

"It's against company policy to sell to zebras?"

"Uh, er, well not my policy mind you, but Starswirl's . I have absolutely nothing against zebras, or for that matter, dragons," said Rich, nervously pulling at his collar. "Anyway, it's not dangerous because she's a zebra, but because she's the leader of a crew of hoodlums. We actually found out about the bar she frequents through Celestia's police contact. When I heard about that, I asked if she knew someone who'd want to help, and she said she'd give word to her associates. This is how you came in, I presume."

"Okay, I get it. Bring the three cars back here in once piece, be absolved of my debt. Anything else?"

Rich reached into a desk drawer. "Well, here's some lock-picks and a screwdriver. You'll need them, but if you're actually in danger don't hesitate to break a window. And here's a little guide to hot-wiring the boys in the service department put together. It's not really hard, just some wire crossing that requires telekinesis or opposable claws. It should be much the same for all three cars, and any other domestics for that matter. Silver Spoon can give you the addresses."

Spike bid a polite goodbye and stopped again at reception. Silver Spoon slid him a piece of paper. "Here are the addresses. I've already called a cab for you. Please, do be careful." Spike smiled and walked out, missing the small wave she gave to him as he left. The taxi picked him up, and he gave the address for the first car; a bronze Platinum Aristocrat coupe purchased by a pegasus by the name of Soarin'. He was laid up at Los Relinchos General after a wing injury, so this one would be easy. He was dropped off at a yellow suburban ranch house done up in a pseudo-western rustic style. He tipped the cab driver generously, and told him to wait for him back at the car dealership.

The neighborhood was empty, since it was midday. The big bronze coupe sat placidly in the middle of the driveway. He walked up to the car, and pulled out the lock picks. After a few tries he got the driver's door to open. He plopped down on the gold leather seat, and opened up the hot-wiring guide on the passenger seat. It was actually rather simple. He used the screwdriver to open up the panel under the dashboard, used his pocketknife to strip a few wires, crossed the red and yellow ones; and bam, the V8 rumbled to life. He screwed the panel back into place, closed the door, and put everything back into his pocket. Soon enough the car was delivered back to the dealership, where an earth pony in overalls took it off his claws to prepare for sale as a "certified pre-owned" car.

Next was a yellow Starswirl Supernova owned by a mare named Cherry Berry. The cab let him off at a two-story apartment building encircled with balconies. He gave another tip, and one last request to return to the dealership. He obliged quite happily - sitting in the car was easy work. Spike looked in the parking lot for the car, and spotted it easily. Banana yellow was not precisely a common color of car, and Starswirls were rather flamboyant to begin with. It was in the row closest to the side of the building, sitting directly beneath a second floor balcony ringed with a wrought iron railing. Spike got to work.

He'd just finished unlocking the door when a pink and yellow mare walked out onto the balcony above. Her eyes grew wide when she saw Spike about to climb into the car, and he figured she must be Cherry Berry. She immediately ran back inside her apartment, and Spike got to hot-wiring as fast as he could. This one was a little harder, but soon enough the engine roared and he stuck the car in gear. As he pulled out of the spot, he saw Cherry Berry running towards him from the left, eyes filled with tears, shouting something that sounded like "Damned canned vegetables put me out of business!" Spike turned right and squealed the tires accelerating out of the parking lot, leaving the mare to plop down on her haunches and contemplate what she had (or hadn't) done to deserve this.

All that was left was the black Starswirl Supreme. The paperwork said that the zebra that bought it was named Zecora, though since she'd lied about financing and her address, who knew if that was even her real name. Or, at least Rich had told him that she had lied about that stuff, who knows, he could be the one lying. That made Spike rather uneasy, the feeling that he wasn't able to trust anyone, no matter how polite or forthright they seemed. The cabby dropped Spike off across the street from the address (added onto the file in red pen, since the original was crossed out many times over). It turned out to be a bar in a none-too safe part of town. Even the driver expressed a noticeable unease at where he was letting Spike off. He handed the last of the money Rich had given him to the driver, and thanked him for all of the help. The taxi groaned away, and Spike took appraisal of the situation.

The bar was full of various zebras drinking and laughing. There was a fenced in side yard next to it, with an open gate wide enough for a car to fit through. Past it he could just spot the headlight and grille of the Supreme, sitting in the middle of the lot. There was one problem, though. A zebra in a bomber jacket stood in the middle of the gateway, rocking back and forth. Zecora was smart enough to have somebody protect her 10,000 bit car, from both car thieves and repossessors (not that here was much of a difference).

Spike decided he'd have to be stealthy to even attempt this. He walked around the back of the building and scrambled over the fence into the yard. The zebra was still looking out towards the road, but she was blocking the only exit. Spike crouched and sneaked over to the the driver's door of the car. He quietly got to work with the lock picks - this one was harder, with six tumblers instead of four, but soon enough it clicked open. Spike would've sworn the click was loud enough for the whole world to hear, but the zebra didn't turn around. Apparently the music coming from inside the bar was enough to make him unnoticeable, though that wouldn't last.

He got to work on the hotwiring. No different then before. He tensed up before he crossed the final wires. Doing so would start the engine and definitely alert the the zebra on guard, and then what would he do? He could turn back right now, and just go back to being a chauffeur. No harm, not foul. He sat there thinking about it. He sat too long.

The zebra yawned and must have glimpsed something amiss out of the corner of her eye. She turned around and her eyes widened when she saw a dumbstruck purple and green dragon sitting in her boss's car.

She shouted: "Hey, hey, it is unknown to you, what you are trying to do, motherfucker!"
Spike's decision was made for him. He crossed the wires. The engine roared with the sound of gunfire and the radio blared to life, playing a jovial big band song from F. Shyy: "Dear Mares & Kindly Stallions". Spike stomped on the gas, spinning the tires and propelling the big black coupe forward. The zebra reached into her jacket pocket for her gun.

She never had a chance.

There was a loud WHUMP upon impact and the zebra just disappeared beneath the front bumper as the car exited the parking lot. Spike drove away as fast as possible, since there's no way the zebras inside missed that... that horrible noise. He hyperventilated; had he just killed someone? He ran over someone, a mare he'd never know, who'd never done anything against him. Well, that wasn't quite true, he thought to himself. She was going for a gun, she'd have killed him. He was just protecting himself, right? He ended up justifying his actions to himself, but that didn't really make him feel any better about it.

About twenty minutes later he pulled into the back lot of Rich's Auto Sales. He figured he needn't show off what he presumed to be a dented and probably bloodied front bumper to the customers and employees of the dealership - especially that Silver Spoon. Rich himself happened to be on a smoke break out back, and he stepped forward to greet Spike when he pulled up. Then he stopped in his tracks, seeing the front of the car. Spike hopped out and walked over to him.

"I.. ran into a little trouble with the last one," he tried to explain.

"I can, uh... see that, son," said Rich. "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would be that much trouble. Nothing a little wash and wax won't fix, I suppose. But, it would appear you've... more than filled your part of the bargain. Consider yourself debt-free. In fact, take this as a bonus." he said, handing over a handful of bits. "Stop by in a few days, they'll be more work for you, though... not like this."

Spike thanked him and returned to the Platinum that was now 100% his. However, he couldn't help but hear the voice of Sister Sunny Rays in his head once again on his drive home: "Work like that corrupts the soul."

...and the mushroom cloud from the test blast could be seen from both Las Pallas and Los Relinchos, though government sources state that there is absolutely no risk of radiation to those areas. This new development in bomb technology comes just days after Yakyakistan announced their third successful test of a nuclear bomb. It would appear that we have a race ahoof. You're listening to PBBL Las Pallas, bringing big band music to this desert paradise. This is your host, Octavia, and I'll return after a few short messages from our sponsors.

Sink the Vulture

For ten long days and hopeless nights they couldn't find her trail.
The unicorns, they went ahead and put every ship a-sail,
For somewhere on this ocean she's just a-had-to be.
They vowed to sink the Vulture to the bottom of the sea.

We'll find that Griffin battleship that's makin' such a fuss.
We gotta find the Vulture 'cause the war depends on us.
Hit the decks a-trottin' mares and turn those guns around,
When we see the Vulture, we're gonna bring her down.

The fog was gone the 'leventh day, from a heap of pegasi.
Return to Griffany the Vulture did a-try,
The admiral of the Unicorns said "fire at her prow",
We found that Griffin battleship and we're gonna sink her now.
The Unicorns took aim and the shells; they fired fast,
The first shot hit the Vulture, she simply couldn't last.
That giant Griffin battleship is but a memory,
"Sink the Vulture" was a-shouted loud across both land and sea.

Johnny Horseton

The machine clicked as Spike deposited a half-bit into it's slot, the door in front unlocking. He pulled it open and took out the most recent copy of The Los Relinchos Recorder. The front page had an article about something Yakyakistan had launched into space, looking like a basketball with some twigs sticking out. He skipped that and the whole of the 'A' section and went right to the 'B' section for local news. He'd checked every day since he'd run over that zebra, looking under the 'crimes' section, which took up the better part of twelve pages. Still, there was nothing mentioning a hit and run. Even the obituaries remained empty. His guilt had long ago been assuaged, but it was the not knowing that really got to him.

After browsing through the comics section he threw the paper into a trashcan and continued his walk from the parking lot to the Horseshoe Hotel & Casino's main entrance. He pushed the plate glass door open and strode up to the pink and purple mare at the front desk nestled at the foot of the lobby's grand staircase. "Good afternoon. Where would I find Miss Celestia, please?" asked Spike, trying to put on a show of importance. Rich had told him after returning several more repossessed cars that Celestia was interested in someone who could hotwire - and Spike was the go-to despite having only recent experience

"Is she expecting you?" asked the mare. The name tag pinned to her scarf read 'Suri'.

"Yes," replied Spike.

"Well, she's in the hotel restaurant having lunch, sir. It's just through those doors on the right. She's the alicorn in the white suit, mmkay?" said Suri.

"Much obliged."

Spike continued from the lobby into a large antechamber. Six elevators were on the near wall, while large archways into the main casino floor were on the far one. The casino itself was lit low and had no windows, the walls all a dark shade of red, but the raised stage towards the back was lit brightly. It was bright enough for him to tell the yellow and pink mare singing on it was rather uncomfortable with all the attention, at least. The walls were lined with slot machines, and various card tables were positioned around the room. Back in the antechamber, there were closed doors on the left that led to the 'V.I.P.' area and the hotel's dance club. To the right were open doors that read 'Bistro' above them, and Spike headed through them.

Every surface in the restaurant was done up in teal, and fish tanks lined the far wall. It really did give one the impression that you were under the ocean, or at least what Applewood would have you think being under the ocean was like. He spied Celestia's table from a mile away; not only was it directly in the center of the rectangular room, the alicorn towered over even the biggest earth pony stallions. As he drew close, he saw she wore the satin vest from a three piece suit and a very expensive looking gold watch. A bespectacled lavender unicorn with a pink-streaked mane sat to Celestia's left; Rarity to her right. Dash was to the left of the unnamed unicorn, leaving a chair between herself and Rarity at the round table. Everypony at the table was impeccably dressed, even Dash wearing a sport coat over her normal floral print shirt. Suddenly Spike felt very underdressed.

Spike nervously took his place at the table. Celestia reached over her salmon lunch and extended him a hoof. "I'm pleased to meet you, Spike. Rainbow Dash and Rarity have told me quite a bit about you; and I'm sure they've told you about me. Am I what you expected?" she asked, seeming genuine.

"I didn't know what to expect, ma'am," said Spike.

"Please, there's no need for such formality. Call me Celestia."

"Uh, well, Celestia, it's nice to meet you. I... heard you needed someone to hot wire a car."

"Down to business, I see. Not a car, three to be exact. Like Mr. Rich, I provide 'financing' to individuals in need. No problems arise when such individuals provide... punctual payment, but in one such case the recipient of the loan has not done so. Normally, I would have Dash here... convince them to rethink their payment schedule, but this situation is somewhat more delicate. That's where you come in."

"Delicate?" asked Spike.

"I have reason to believe this pony... what was his name, Twilight?"

The purple unicorn looked up from the notebooks she had before her. "Flim. I believe he is the brother to one of the employees at Rich's dealership, which is why we agreed to the loan in the first place."

"Yes, well; Flim has chosen to neglect our lending program and has instead taken up business with my .... rival, Miss Luna. I do not believe we can influence this fellow, so we will simply have to take our payment. You see, we gave Flim the funds to help start a business importing automobiles and parts thereof from overseas. You, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash will be taking ownership of the three automobiles he currently has in stock, and perhaps... inform him of his lapse in judgment," said Celestia. "Twilight?"

"The three automobiles are one yellow Pansy 380, one red Griffenworken Breezy, and one Victory Serafine. Mr. Rich has informed me that he can sell these vehicles and easily obtain the funds we are owned" said Twilight matter-of-factly. She slid a piece of paper to Dash, "Here's the address."

Celestia continued, "You will, of course, be compensated. Should you prove successful in this... endeavor, and should Rarity and Dash continue to say such good things, Spike, I would be more than happy to offer you more work. Do you have any questions?"

"No ma'am.... I mean no, Celestia," said Spike.

"The best of luck, then."

Spike offered to drive everypony to the dealership. Dash was overjoyed at the concept and hopped in the front seat, though Rarity was somewhat disappointed.

"I just bought a new car, and I hardly get to use it," she complained.

"Relax Rarity, remember we got to pick up three cars. Spike's biting a bullet and leaving his car there to pick up later. You wouldn't want leave your shiny new Chancellor alone on the east side, would you?" said Dash.

"I suppose you're right," conceded Rarity.

"Wait, where was this place again?" said Spike.

"Just over the railroad tracks on the east side. 400 Diligence Street," replied Dash.

"Funny place for a car dealership," said Spike, the possibility of the Platinum being stolen suddenly becoming apparent.

Dash coughed, and noting that Rarity was staring the window leaned in and whispered to Spike "Kid, uh, you think these cars are hard to drive? I've... never done it before... driven. I didn't want to say so in front of Celestia."

Spike tried to contain his surprise. "What?"

"Well, you know, I fly real fast so it was never really necessary. I mean, I like to ride in cars and all; 'cause I don't get tired, but I never really bothered to learn."

"Well, uh, they're probably manual, so that makes it complicated. They're real slow though. One of them's made by pegasi, so that might help."

"Good, I guess. Listen: not a word of this to Rarity or anybody else, you hear?" said Dash, getting even quieter.

Spike made a zipping motion over his lips, only to be interrupted by the car rumbling over the train tracks. Spike slowed down to observe the sight before them. In front of them, the road ended in a T-junction with Diligence street, their target standing across from them. It appeared to be a gas station converted into a small dealership. A wooden sign saying "Flim's Import Emporium" was erected above the building. The building was dark inside and the dirt lot to the right contained only three cars. Nearest the building sat an insectoid looking red two door sedan. That was the Griffinworken Breezy that Twilight had mentioned. Next to it on the left was a yellow two door with a black cloth sunroof, presumably the Pansy 380. As small as the Breezy was, it dwarved the Pansy. That left the larger but rather ugly brown four door sedan on the end as the Victory Serafine from Unicornia.

"I can see why he's not able to pay back his loan," said Rarity.

"No customers, by the looks of this place," said Spike, noting the neighborhood was deserted pony pedestrians. The only other car around was an old rusty Everfree roadster parked along the sidewalk to the right.

"Those cars are simply hideous, darling. Can't you tell?" said Rarity.

Spike and Dash exchanged glances. "I guess?" said Spike. "Uh, listen; this car's a bit obvious around here. Maybe we should park it in an alley or something and walk?"

"Fine by me," said Dash.

Spike turned right and rumbled past the building. The interior of the dealership was dark and most likely empty, which relieved him. Having met Flam, he'd doubt Flim would willingly give up any of his stock, and he did not want a repeat of the incident with the zebra. Spike drove two blocks and parked in a back alley behind a dumpster. They all exited, and after Spike locked the doors, set off, Dash flying ahead. She was waiting for Spike and Rarity when they got there, eyeing the Pansy with a somewhat nervous look.

"Spike, please try to be quick. I don't want to spend any longer in this dirt than I have to," said Rarity.

He nodded and climbed into the unlocked Victory sedan, since Rarity would be the best to drive it. It was possible, but very awkward, to drive a Unicorn-made car without telekinesis. He opened up the panel beneath the steering wheel, and saw a bundle of wires just like any Equestrian car. But when he crossed the red and yellow wires, nothing happened.

"Shit," whispered Spike to himself.

"How's it going, kid?" asked Dash.

"Fine, fine. Give me a moment."

Spike stripped the brown wire and crossed it with the red. Nothing. He tried it with the yellow. Nothing. He stripped the green wire and crossed it with the red, and the headlights turned on. He was about to give up, but he figured he'd try a last ditch effort. He jammed his screwdriver into the ignition, and turned it. The four cylinder sputtered and coughed to life. He stuffed all the loose wires back in, closed the panel, and held the door open for Rarity.

"Why thank you, Spike," she said, dusting off the seat before she sat. "I'll wait for you two, I suppose it's best we deliver them together."

Spike got into the Pansy; evidently none of the cars were locked. Rather than mess with the wiring, he tried the screwdriver again. The two cylinder in the rear started up and chattered happily.

"Could've stretched it out a little bit, kid" mused Dash. She climbed in, looking utterly confused by the controls surrounding her.

Spike had left the Breezy for last. He got in and tried the screwdriver. No dice, it was made better than the ones in the other cars. He stripped the wires and tried various combinations. Nothing worked. He got out and opened the engine lid in the back. He recognized the starter, and if he could wire it right to the battery he could get the car started, but first he needed a wire.

"Hold on gals, I need to get something from inside," said Spike.

Rarity and Dash nodded. Dash was fiddling with the Pansy's gearshift and Rarity was knocking the dust out of her shoes.

Spike pushed open the side door into the gray concrete building and flipped up the light switch. Much of the room was taken up by three rows of shelves full of car parts. He walked down one of the aisles made by the shelves. He headed for a coat closet on the far wall, taking a wire hanger from it. This would do nicely.

Then he looked to his left.

A cream colored unicorn.... Flim, obviously, was staring right at him, not ten inches away. They locked eyes. Flim pushed pasted the momentarily stunned Spike and ran to the door. Spike followed, but Flim knocked over a shelf onto him, pouring boxes of fuel pumps and starter motors onto Spike's head. He crawled out from under the pile and made it out the door to see the red Breezy pull away from the lot. Rarity had presumably realized what was happening and started to follow in the Serafine. Celestia would not be pleased if Flim got away with the Breezy. Dash evidently tried to follow, the car lurching forward and the sound of gears grinding. She eventually got moving, though slowly.

Spike thought quickly. His car was too far away. The only car nearby was the old Everfree. Spike ran up and tried to break the driver's window. There was no window to break; the door didn't even have a lock. He climbed up into it, and turned his screwdriver in the ignition. It didn't work. The wires beneath the dash were already exposed from years of age, so Spike just crossed the red and yellow and thankfully the car's ancient six groaned to life. The AM radio turned on with it and started playing a garbled and tinny version of the popular Johhny Horseton country song, "Sink the Vulture." He put it in gear and stomped the gas, letting out a gigantic cloud of black smoke behind him. There wasn't a concern in his mind as to stealing a car; desperate times called for desperate measures. As he turned the corner, he saw the mass of imports just two blocks away. The thirty year old Equestrian car huffed its antediluvian engine and flubbed on its under-inflated tires, quickly gaining on everypony. As he drew near, he saw Flim in the Breezy maintained a slight lead over Rarity, with Dash quickly losing ground. Spike made an apologetic motion as he passed Dash. She looked pissed.

In her frustration, she threw open the sunroof and flew out of the car. She could fly much faster than she could drive, keeping pace with Spike. In his rearview mirror he saw the Pansy collide with some trashcans. Catching Flim was more a matter of pride than money now. Ahead of them Flim made a sharp left onto the entrance ramp to Intrequestria 12, the six lane freeway that split Los Relinchos down the middle. Spike took the turn wide and mowed down a street lamp.

All four of them; Flim in the lead, then Rarity, then Spike, with Dash looking down from above; joined onto the highway traffic. Spike was gaining on Rarity, who was losing ground to the Breezy. Meanwhile, they all held up traffic. Taxicabs, station wagons, tractor-trailors, and even a police car whizzed past them in the passing lane. Flim appeared to be going at full speed and was still going a good bit slower than the highway traffic; so nopony even realized that there was a chase going on.

Rarity had already pulled out a pistol and was ready to start shooting at Flim to get him to stop (or die), but she put it back in her pocket as Spike passed by. She gave him a quizzical look and he just shrugged his shoulders. He approached in on the Breezy's rear bumper. He gave a gentle nudge to the back of Flim's car, then squeezed the Everfree's bicycle-style horn as a warning for him to stop. Flim continued on, the clattering of his car's engine growing strained. Spike pulled up beside him on the left, made a wide swing with the Everfree's wooden steering wheel, and slammed Flim's rear wheel arch. The Breezy spun around and slid into the gravel embankment beside the freeway. Flim struggled out of the car, raising his hooves. Rarity and Spike both brought their cars to a stop, but Dash had already grabbed ahold of him and had slammed his head onto the Breezy's hood.

"Ain't nobody runs from Dash and lives to tell about, you hear!" she shouted at him.

"Please, please! I'll do anything, I'm sorry!" cried Flim.

"Dash! Calm down, the last thing we need is another dead body to deal with," said Rarity. She then addressed the injured unicorn under Dash's hooves, her appealing tone changing to a condescending one. "Why'd you stop payment, Flim?"

"What? I... wasn't selling anything. I couldn't afford it anymore! I'm sorry!"

"Miss Celestia's not stupid, Flim. You received an offer from Luna's goons, didn't you?"

"I...I...don't know what you're talking about!"

Rarity gave a slight nod to Dash. Dash slammed Flim's already bleeding face against the hood hard enough to dent it. Spike stood on. He wanted to be ashamed or aghast... but he simply couldn't bring himself to feel sorry for the fellow. His head still hurt from the box of car parts that had slammed down upon on it.

Rarity continued, "What did Trixie tell you? You switch to their protection and they'll keep us from collecting? How well did that work out for you?"

"No, no, it wasn't like that! They offered me some money is all; all they asked was to get some time with the cars after they came in off the boat, and the info for my contacts overseas. Business wasn't too good, and I had to pay off you guys, it didn't seem like so bad of a deal. I got greedy.... I kept the money," said Flim.

Rarity appeared to work something out in her head, then raised her hoof to her mouth through some realization. "You're telling me, they had access to your imports from Unicornia, Pegasopolis, and Griffany? On both ends?"

"They changed the tires when the got here, I swear I didn't know what was in them, honest. I cancelled the deal when I so one of them snorting the stuff. I'm just a used car salesman, I don't want nothing to do with drugs! I thought you guys was with them. Just... just take the cars, I don't want anything to do with this any more," sniffled Flim.

Rarity nodded and Dash let go of Flim. Dash made a shooing motion and he started trotting down the side of the road.

Rarity looked between Spike and Dash. "You two, can you clean this up and get the other car? Celestia needs to hear this as soon as possible." Spike nodded, even though he wasn't sure what her realization was. She hopped in the Victory, driving off towards the highway's boulevard exit.

Spike looked to the Breezy. It was damaged slightly but appeared to still be drivable. Then he looked to Dash.

"Maybe I should drive."

...eyewitnesses reported something of a confrontation after the accident, but by the time police arrived only an unattended car remained. Police have currently impounded the Everfree Deluxe Six Roadster, but considering the vehicle's inspection is long-expired and the impound fees are greater than the car's appraised value, they do not have high hopes of resolving the matter anytime soon. In national news, President Easyglider made a televised statement regarding the 'Penchenya' artificial satellite launched by Yakyakistan yesterday, claiming that the launch did not come as a surprise, and that Equestrian developments in space travel are already working on reaching and surpassing the standards set by this yak achievement. This is DJ Vinyl Scratch for PEPP. Don't touch that dial!

Lookin'

Oh, I've been lookin'.
Yes, lookin'.
Oh, yes, lookin' in ev'ry single place, yeah-ah.
But I'm like a focused bloodhound,
No doubt I'll locate her some day.

Well, now, if I have to fight a griffin,
No doubt I will.
And if I have to ford a river,
No doubt I will
'Cause I've been lookin'
Yes, lookin'.
My goodness filly, lookin' in ev'ry single place, yeah-ah.
But I'm like a hunt-er's bloodhound,
No doubt I'll locate her some day.

Now, Deerstalker Cap,
Con Mane, got nothin', filly, on me
Daring Do, Donkey Dan,
er'pony you throw at me.
'Cause I've been lookin'
Yes, lookin'.
Mmhm, filly, lookin' in ev'ry single place, yeah-ah.
But I'm like a po-lice shepherd,
No doubt I'll locate her some day.

Sapphire "The Queen" Shores

"Frankly, I'm not surprised. Luna was always of the underhoofed sort. Selling drugs is just like her, even though it's strictly against the terms of our truce, we can't really do anything about it. We don't have sway with the commission like the families in Manehattan do, so any sort of punishment just means war. And a war would be very bad for all of us," said Celestia. "That isn't why I've called you here today, though."

Spike and Dash were at a table with Celestia and Twilight in the Horshoe Casino's main lounge, sitting close to the stage. Miss F. Shyy, or Fluttershy, as Dash had told her she preferred to be called, had just finished singing her last song of the evening. Despite the late hour, the casino's slots and tables were still busy with gamblers.

"This will be your first... 'official' assignment, Spike. Unfortunately, you cannot be technically accepted into this thing of ours, it's a pony-only affair, but I certainly consider you a valued member and you'll be treated as such. But that comes with responsibility. This evening, I need you and Dash to head down south to pick up a shipment of cigarettes from over the border. While I refuse to stoop to Luna's levels, we need to corner her with tobacco and cider if we want to compete. It should be just a bit of ordinary routine; you'll take a truck down there and load up. The meet is at a motel; Rarity's already gone down there and should meet you when you arrive, she's already paid Cheese Sandwich so all you need to do is pick it up. Anything to add, Twilight?" said Celestia.

"You two and Macintosh will be taking two trucks down. They're already parked in the back lot, but you'll need to take them to our Eastside warehouse. Though I don't expect you'll need them, speak to Applejack about guns," said Twilight. "You'll be meeting at the Sandwich Inn along Route H, 20 miles south of the dam. Dash, you've been there before, correct?"

"Yeah, it won't be a problem," said Dash, yawning.

"So, what y'all think you'll be needing?" asked Applejack. Dash and Spike stood in the casino's armory, stuffed behind the cash room. It was a dimly lit workshop, every possible surface taken up by every kind of weapon imaginable. Still, the orange earth pony looked happy there.

"Nothing much, I don't think we'll run in too much trouble," said Dash.

"Well, here's a Heck & Tarpan revolver for you, Dash. Now Spike, you ever use a gun before?" asked Applejack.

"I was in the war, ma'am, even though I mostly drove a truck. I'm pretty good with a .45," replied Spike.

"Call me AJ, kid. Anyway, I normally give long guns to unicorns and dragons and such; but if it's what you prefer, I got me a nickel-plated Foal 1912 with custom grip. I think it's meant for a Griffin, but it should work good for them claws a' yours. In fact, you keep it. Ain't like we got anybody else that needs it," said AJ.

"Thanks," said Spike.

"Hey AJ, you seen Big Mac anywhere?" asked Dash.

"Oh, he's already out by the trucks, probably dozin' off. I don't know why this had to happen so late at night, anyway," said AJ. "Best of luck to you; and y'all come back now, ya hear!"

The night air was brisk at best and the pegasi had scheduled the annual downpour for the Los Relinchos area to last all evening. "This is going to be so much fun", mumbled Spike to himself. Even though he was wearing his trench coat he was drenched by the time he reached the two Puddinghead trucks in the casino's rear parking lot. He climbed into the first one, a big green cab-over-engine semi, since he noticed that a red earth pony stallion, was asleep in the driver's seat of the rear one. Dash took a moment to wake up and talk to him, presumably Big Mac, then climbed into the passenger seat next to Spike.

"Off we go, I guess," said Dash.

"From what Twilight said, it seems like I could've stayed home and slept" said Spike as he started the truck.

"Eh, I don't know. You wouldn't want me driving this thing, would you?" said Dash jokingly. "And since Rarity gets major road rage; you're probably gonna be our driver from now on."

"What's with the guns, though? Are we expecting trouble?" he asked as he pulled out onto Los Relinchos Boulevard.

"Nah, I don't think so. Just a precaution, same reason we're doing this late at night. Twilight's got it in her head that Luna wants to start a war, so she's encouraging Celestia to do all this cloak and dagger stuff," said Dash, yawning. "That reminds me, I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when we get there.

Spike continued along the boulevard, which turned into Route H after it crossed over Freehoof street. The gambling halls and office buildings of downtown soon gave way to suburbs and then open desert. It was 1 AM by the time they passed through the small town of Standardbred and filled the two trucks up with gas. Then they continued over Hoofer Dam; which held Lake Cider from flooding Ghastly Gorge and supplied Los Relinchos with electricity. The road continued southwest, until Spike eventually saw the neon sign for the Sandwich Motel. He nudged Dash awake as the truck approached.

"Ah, we're here? Oh, you're going to this Cheese, guy; real funny. He deals with dragons south of the border all the time, you should have a lot to... wait. You see Rarity anywhere?" asked Dash.

"Uh, no, should I?" said Spike as he parked the truck in the motel's dirt lot.

"Dammit, Rarity was supposed to meet us out here. That's her car over there," she said, pointing her hoof at a new mint green Chancellor sedan sitting in front of the motel, next to a brown late model Everfree convertible, "and that's Cheese Sandwich's."

"Maybe they're inside; it is raining like crazy," suggested Spike.

"I guess that makes sense," said Dash. "All the same, maybe you better go in and scope the place out."

"Why me?" asked Spike resentfully.

"Look, kid. One; you're green, you need the experience. Two, you breathe fire and are covered in tough scales. I don't think you need to worry too much."

"Hey, I ain't bulletproof... I don't think so, anyway," said Spike as he begrudgingly stepped out of the truck, Foal 1912 in tow.

The rain poured down hard, deafening him with noise from everything it landed on. Every few seconds thunder clattered and lightning lit up the sky. He ran to the motel's front porch, the only dry and lit place nearby. The two cars he had seen illuminated by the porch light were next to him, and he noticed the bumper of the Chancellor was already dented and scratched in multiple places. Dash was right about Rarity's driving habits. Spike entered the front door of the motel into the darkness. After the squeak of the door subsided, the only sound besides the weather outside was the muffled sound of a radio playing Sapphire Shores rock hit; "Lookin'".

After flipping on the light, he saw it was a small restaurant with a few booths against two walls and two pool tables in the center. He tried a door on the left wall; it led to a storeroom empty of any ponies but full of shelves piled high with cigarettes and the occasional rubber chicken. On the right a mahogany bar stocked with all sorts of ciders was between two doors. The near door was locked. Spike figured he'd try that last since he'd never picked a door lock before. The far door led into another empty room, a greasy kitchen.

He entered the hallway behind the restaurant. On the left end was a bathroom, also empty of ponies, and on the right was a staircase leading to the motel's guest rooms. Through the row of windows along the wall he saw a black car in the hotel's back lot, one that had been hidden from the road when they pulled up.

He climbed up the stairs and found himself in a narrow hallway, noting that the sound of the music was now louder. He went down the first branch off on the left, which led to a room overlooking the road. In the room's attached bath, he found a pink compact emblazoned with 'Rarity' in purple rhinestones. He turned back and went to the main hallway. The first door on the left was locked, while the second door led to another empty bedroom. The only door left was the one at the very end of the hall, labeled "W.C."

Spike swallowed hard and opened the door. A mustard yellow earth pony with brown hair was sitting on the toilet, but he slid off down to Spike's feet when he opened the door. Spike had to hold back a scream when he realized the pony had a bullet hole in his head. The pony's cutie mark made it certain; this was Cheese Sandwich, and Cheese was dead. The radio sitting atop the toilet tank kept playing happily, oblivious to the horror.

"Turn around real slow with your claws up, scale-back," said a female voice from behind Spike.

He turned around to see a mint-coated unicorn mare with a white-streaked mane levitating a large revolver pointed right at him. Behind her, the door that had been locked was now open.

"Thought you'd come and save your friend, now, would you? I got news for you kid; you can't save nopony from Luna. We was just gonna teach her a lesson, but the plan's changed. Now, hold still and it'll all be over quick," she said.

Spike thought on his feet. He coughed out a cloud of black smoke from his nostrils, blinding the unicorn. She fired a shot, hitting the radio and abruptly stopping Sapphire's voice. Spike pulled out the Foal and fired where he thought the mare's head had been.

When the smoke cleared, the mare lay limp on the floor of the hallway with a bullet through the eye. He had to turn away from the sight to keep himself from retching. Still, he didn't feel any remorse. He'd killed a pony, yes; but that pony had already killed one pony and was going to kill him. He quickly composed himself, and peered into the room the pony had come from. Just a bedroom, nopony else inside. By what the mare had said he figured Rarity was somewhere in the building, still alive. He needed backup, but if he was going to get Dash and Big Mac he'd have to head back the way he came.

He stopped to pick up the mare's pistol. It had a mouth grip, as weapons meant for pegasi and earth ponies did. Instead of a griffin grip designed for a talon, the grip was sideways and had a trigger meant for tongue operation. He supposed he could use it with some difficulty, but he hoped it wouldn't be necessary. As a H&T Model 72 magnum, it held six powerful rounds, but one shot was already used .That was five, along with the six left in the Foal 1912. He stuffed the magnum in his jacket and crept down the hall and the stairs. Anypony else who was in the motel had to either be outside or in the locked room downstairs.

Spike put his back against the wall of the hallway and briefly peered through the wide doorway into the restaurant, immediately regretting it. The door to the locked room stood open, and a cream-coated earth mare with a blue and pink mane stood behind the bar with a 50-round automatic Typey Gun. He pulled his head back in right before she started firing at him; letting off at least half a clip in a matter of seconds. The wall thankfully stopped the bullets. The mare stopped in the middle of the clip to shout:

"You bastard! You killed Lyra! You're going to wish she killed you after I'm done with you!"

Spike took his chance to stick his claw out with the Foal 1912 and fired six shots blindly in the general area of the mare. She fired back and he pulled his arm in. She quickly ran out of ammunition and as she reloaded he side-rolled to the other side of the opening to get a better angle. He saw that he had missed the mare completely with the shots but had broken many of the bottles behind the bar, alcohol pouring onto the mare and the floor around her.

As she started firing again, Spike dropped the empty Foal and switched to the mouth-fire Model 27. It was awkward at best; how did ponies stand to fire a gun with their tongue?

She stopped after a few shots, realizing that the bullets weren't getting through the wall. Now it was just a matter of patience. Spike pulled off one of his shoes and stuck it out from the wall. The mare fired at it wildly until she realized what is was. Spike hoped shewould use up her clip, but he estimated that she had at least 20 rounds left before she'd have to reload. After what seemed an agonizingly long time, she decided to try to make a deal:

"Look, if you come out right now I'll let you ..."

Spike, realizing she had her mouth off the trigger to talk, ran across the opening and fired four shots as he, all of which missed and hit the bar and the bottles behind the mare. The mare started firing at him about halfway across the doorway. Her shots came dangerously close to his tail.

When Spike reached the other side he realized he only had one shot left. He wondered why Dash and Mac hadn't done something; they must have heard the shots. He tried to formulate a plan, racking his adrenaline-addled brain for some idea to get him out of this. A genius idea popped into his head, but he sunk down when he realized he'd need a distraction. The mare undoubtedly had her sight trained on the side of the opening; any attempt he made now to get a shot would be suicide.

That's when he heard the unique squeak of the motel's front door. It was now or never. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as he jumped out from his cover. Dash was at the open door, revolver at the ready, Mac behind her. The mare behind the bar was already aimed in the direction of the door. Spike fired his last bullet and breathed fire at the same time. The pistol grew hot, melting slightly in his mouth, but the bullet fired surrounded by a green flame. It hit the mare in the shoulder, knocking the Typey Gun from her grip and lighting the alcohol she was drenched in on fire. She screamed and ran around the room, the flames engulfing her mane, her outfit, and even her skin. Dash pulled the door closed to protect herself from being light on fire. Eventually the mare collapsed and slowly the fire ran out of fuel. All that was left of her was a charred body on the floor and the singed remains of a three piece suit.

Dash opened the door and peered in.

"Wow Spike, that was brutal. But, uh, thanks for the save. Is there anybody else?" asked Dash.

"I handled somepony upstairs, too," said Spike. "But I think that's all I think."

"Did you find Rarity or Cheese Sandwich?"

"Cheese is dead. I think Rarity might be in that room," he said, pointing to the door that had been closed before but was now open.

Dash and Spike stepped inside. It was a wood paneled office, with a desk shoved off into a corner. On a wooden chair in the middle of the room sat Rarity, bound by the hoofs and mouth duct-taped shut.

Spike rushed over and started cutting the rope, easily slicing through them with his claws. Dash pulled off the tape.

"Oh, thank goodness you two got here. I... think I need medical attention," said Rarity, gasping for air.

"Oh mare; what did they do to you?" asked Spike, seeing that her knees were swollen and noticing that a baseball bat sat in the corner

"They sent in somepony to try and make me talk, but I held. I think she left a little while ago; unless you saw a pink earth pony mare?" said Rarity.

"No; sorry," said Spike.

"Rarity, we gotta get you to a doctor if you want to walk again. Spike, you help me carry her. We'll take her car. Mac, do you think you can load up the cigarettes they got here? We can't let this be a total waste."

"They're in the store room over there," chimed in Spike.

"Eeyup," said Big Mac, who had

"It won't be a problem doing it alone?" said Rarity.

"Nope," said Mac.

"I'd say to torch the place, but I don't think there's any hiding this from Luna," said Dash, seeming worried.

Dash and Spike carried Rarity by the shoulders out to her Chancellor. They laid her in the backseat and Spike took the wheel.

"We headed to the hopsital?" asked Spike.

"No!" shouted Dash and Rarity, in unison.

"The first thing they do when you show up at the hospital with broken kneecaps or a bullet wound, they the call the police. No, we're taking her to Nurse Redheart. I'll show you the way, but step on it," said Dash.

Spike stomped the gas and sent the Chancellor shooting out onto the highway. "Are you sure this 'nurse' is qualified? She's not just an untrained butcher?" he asked.

"Definitely not! She's the best! Best paid doctor in the city. If you get hurt, you'll be glad we have her. She does a good job and doesn't ask questions."

The trip back to the city seemed much shorter as they sped along in the Chancellor. It was three AM by the time Spike stopped the car in front of the nurse's house in the Los Relinchos suburbs.

"We're here. Spike, get Rarity ready. I'll go wake the nurse," said Dash as she headed up to the house's front door.

"Rarity, c'mon, we're at the doctor," said Spike as he propped her up and helped her walk to the door.

The lights in the house came on. A white earth pony mare with pink mane opened the door. "Is that you, Rainbow? What are you doing here this late?"

"I'm sorry nurse, but we've got an injury. Rarity here got beat up pretty bad," said Dash.

"Alright, bring her inside," said Nurse Redheart. Spike passed his support of Rarity over to Dash.

"Hey look, Spike, you leave us here. Get back to the casino and tell Celestia what's going on as soon as you can."

Spike walked back to the car. The nurse nodded to him and shut the door, leaving him outside in the rain to contemplate the fact that he had not only killed a pony, but two; and one in the cruelest way imaginable.

This is DJ Vinyl Scratch for PEPP on 1040 AM. You just finished listening to Sapphire Shores, and would you look at that; she's the subject of today's news broadcast. In a turn of events this has outraged the young rock-and-rollers of the country, Miss Shores has been drafted into the Equestrian military. Choosing to serve as a regular soldier instead of receiving the special treatment other entertainers do has garnered the approval of many ponies who wrote off Sapphire as a rebel, but many are disappointed because it means that she won't be producing any new records for at least two years. In the humble opinion of this here DJ, it puts a damper on the whole of rock and roll. In other news, three dead bodies were found at a motel south of Hoofer Dam. It says here that one has been identified as the owner of the motel, and the other two are believed to be businessmares from Los Relinchos. Police so far have no suspects, but are putting special emphasis due to the fact that ... one of the mares was burned to death. Ouch. We'll be back to the music after a few short messages.

Jack The Scythe

For when that ol' croc chomps, with his teeth, mare,
Crimson clouds, each way they spread.
Clean up the scene, does ol' Jack, mare,
So he don't ever leave but a shred.

There's a dockyard down by the river, don't you know?
Where a cement bag, just a-sits standing by,
Waiting for a cobbler, dear.
Bet your bottom bit, ol' Jacky's that guy.

You hear 'bout Wild Fire? She ain't been seen, mare,
After takin' out all her long-earned bits.
And now Jack, he spends just a flyer,
Could it be that's our colt's, source a' cash?

Clydesdale McPhatter

"Well, it looks like Luna is deliberately trying to make me mad. I could almost forgive her getting into drugs; sometimes getting the upper hoof trumps contracts and moral codes. But this.... this tantamount a declaration of war."

Once again, Spike sat with Celestia at a table in the Horseshoe Casino's restaurant - this time, however, Rarity was conspicuously absent from the conversation. Dash sat to his left, Twilight once again next to Celestia shuffling some paperwork.

"I'm a reasonable pony, but actions like Luna's deserve a swift response. For pony's sake; one of our associates is dead, and Rarity can't even stand up! The time is now. Dash, I'm sure of; but Spike, I need to know you can handle this."

"Uh, yeah, definitely. What is it exactly that we're handling?" asked Spike apprehensively.

"Luna stopped one of our deals. We're going to do the same," said Celestia flatly. "Twilight?"

"Our police contact has informed me that they have become aware..." started Twilight.

"Question. Who is this police contact?" asked Spike, interrupting.

"If you must know, my brother, Shining Armor, is a senior detective with the Los Relinchos Police Department; narcotics division. Now, may I continue without interruption?" said Twilight curtly.

"Sorry. Go ahead," said Spike.

"He has reason to believe that Luna has found another source to import narcotics after what happened with Flim. No probable cause to arrest anyone of course, but they believe that she is purchasing drugs through the local zebra gang. How they obtain the drugs, I have yet to ascertain, but I believe I know when and where a hoofoff will be taking place."

"Lemme guess, we're supposed to stop the deal, right?" said Dash.

"And destroy the drugs however you see fit," said Celestia.

"Preferably leaving no witnesses," chimed in Twilight.

"Got it. Now, you said you know where it's going down?" said Dash.

"Yes, indeed, it's going to happen at 2 PM in the multistory car pa......." Twilight trailed off as Fluttershy approached the table, looking rather distressed despite the cheeriness of her spring green cocktail dress.

"Miss Celestia? I hope I'm not interrupting anything?" said Fluttershy quietly when she reached the table. Spike noticed that her makeup was smeared such that it had been obvious she'd been crying.

Celestia plastered on a forced smile. "Not at all dear. What brings you to our ... little chat?"

"I..I.. Oh, I just don't know what to do. Miss Cadence cancelled my contract with the company; I only found out through a letter, and now she won't answer any of my calls!" spouted off Fluttershy, quite quickly.

"Hold on dear, slow down," said Celestia, growing genuinely concerned. "Are you saying Cadence dropped you from the record label?"

"Yes, and I have no idea why! Her secretary won't pick up anymore when I call her. I mean, I know I haven't been as popular as back..."

"Don't you worry Fluttershy, I'll speak with Cadence about it. It's obviously some sort of mistake," said Celestia, patting Fluttershy's mane.

"Oh, really? Thank you!" said Fluttershy, relieved. "I..I'm sorry about interrupting you all, I'll go now," she said as she backed up, bumping into one of the waiters.

"Ta-ta," said Celesta, smiling and waving. Her expression quickly grew grim as she turned back to the table. "It would appear that Luna has also gotten to Cadence. The record business is perhaps not one of our biggest incomes, but to see the mare I personally saw produced be dropped from the company is a snub not only to me, but to that innocent little pegasus. Twilight?"

"I'll contact Cadence and see if I can convince her to change her mind, but now that she and Shining have divorced I don't know how well it will work," said Twilight.

"Do whatever you deem necessary," said Celestia. "Now, back to the matter at hoof."

"Yes... where was I... ah, the meeting will be taking place at 2PM in the parking garage at the corner of Diligence and Trust streets.

"Okay, I know the place. C'mon Spike, we best drop and see AJ before we go."

"Applejack, I don't suppose I could have a couple clips this time? I ran out before," said Spike after she'd handed a Typey Gun to Dash.

"I'll tell you what, I'll do you one better." She pulled out a large pump action shotgun from under the table and laid it in front of Spike. "This here's a Shades Model 73. Eight shot, twelve gauge shotgun, ambihoftirous loading. And here's a box of 24 more rounds. Will that do?" asked Applejack.

"It's perfect," said Spike, picking it up and leaning into the stock.

"Now, don't go waving it around. I don't think it's going to fit in that jacket of yours, so you may want to keep it in the car unless you intend to use it," said Applejack. "Oh, I got something else here for you two, my little sister recommended em'. These here are some walkie-talkies. I guess they're for construction workers or something, but they should help you strategerize your movements."

The Platinum's porcelain-faced dashboard clock read 2:01 PM when Spike and Dash pulled into the parking garage. Dash got out and spoke briefly with the stallion at the booth near the garage's entrance; she came back and sat in the passenger seat.

"I told him we were late to the meeting. He said they were already up on the top floor. Drive real quiet up there," said Dash.

Spike let the car creep up the ramps connecting the garage's half-floors. There weren't many cars parked inside; it was a weekend after all, and the garage was mainly used by those who worked in Trust street office buildings. The Platinum was quiet enough that it couldn't be heard over the voice of Clydesdale McPhatter piped in through tinny speakers around the building. He stopped at the intermediate floor between the second and third level. He got out of the car, and peeked around the corner into the 3rd and top floor of the garage.

Three cars were visible corralled at the far end of the garage. Two zebras were leaning against the walls, looking somewhat bored. The center car, a champagne-colored Everfree sedan, had its trunk open and facing away from the wall. A well dressed zebra and a cream earth pony with red mane were huddled over the trunk, talking softly. The only other means of egress to the area was a staircase on the left side.

Spike pulled his head back and explained the situation to Dash. She thought for a moment.

"Okay kid, here's the plan. We're going to have to act quickly..."

Spike readied the shotgun in the passenger seat, waiting for Dash's signal over the walkie-talkie. His foot hovered over the Platinum's gas pedal, his left claw on the wheel, his right tightly gripping the cold steel of the Shades Model 73. The intercom squawked with Dash's voice.

"On three. One... two... three!"

He stomped the gas, the car pulling out into the open and filling the garage with echoes of engine roar. He then quickly slammed the brakes and ducked as the Platinum's side was presented in full view to the zebras and Luna's emissary. Their surprise dulled their reactions just enough. Before any of them had a chance to pull out their weapons, Dash popped out from her cover in the stairwell to their right; Typey gun in mouth, firing a volley of shots killing one of the zebra mooks and the red-maned mare. The body of the zebra slid down the wall she had been leaning against, leaving a streak of blood. Luna's mare simply collapsed, knocking her head on the Everfree's left tail fin.

Dash slid back into the cover of the stairwell's concrete wall, the two remaining Zebras having drawn pistols and taken cover behind the other cars. Meanwhile, Spike had exited the Platinum and was crouched behind its front.

Dash stuck the Typey gun out past cover and blind fired in the general direction of one of the zebras. When the clip ran out, the zebra took a chance and popped up from cover, firing a few rounds towards Dash. Spike saw an opportunity and fired twice at the zebra, buckshot spraying all around and knocking her down, her pistol flying from her mouth. She wasn't getting back up. The only one left was the well dressed Zebra mare who had previously been leaning into the open trunk. She was now crouched behind the front wheel of one of the other cars; neither Dash nor Spike were able to get a proper angle.

He thought he heard the sound of a lighter, and then he saw a bottle with a lit rag flying through the air towards him and the Platinum. He backpedaled as fast as he could away from the car. The bottle flew through the car's open passenger window and smashed as it hit the clear plastic hub of the steering wheel. A burst of heat knocked Spike off his feet, and when he got back up the interior of the Princess was engulfed in flame, the air already full of the stench of burning plastic and the requisite white smoke.

Spike suddenly felt quite unlike he had ever felt before... enraged. He walked forward, slowly and deliberately, past the husk of what had been his car, wading into the thick smoke filling the garage. He started firing in where he though the zebra mare had been; he could only see a vague silhouette of the car she had been covered behind. The tremendous boom of the shotgun echoed off the concrete walls, the menacing *chuck-chuck* of the pump action separating each shot. He got off seven shots, hearing several impact the metal of a car and one hitting the concrete wall behind it. He tried to fire once more, but the hollow click of the firing pin foretelling that he had run out of shots.

The smoke started to clear as the zebra emerged from behind the car, brandishing a large revolver aimed squarely at Spike's head.

"You have put up a good fight, but now it is time to say goodni-" the zebra's one-liner was interrupted by a shot to the head that sent her fedora flying and her body to the ground.

"Jesus kid, you would've died there!" said Dash, now visible as the ventilation system audibly struggled to clear the smoke.

"Sorry. I don't know what came over me," said Spike, honestly.

"Don't be like me, I let anger cloud my judgment and it usually puts me in bad positions," said Dash. Her expression softened, "I guess we're even now, huh?"

Spike smiled.

Now that the smoke was mostly clear, they surveyed the damage. The Platinum was a charred husk, one of the zebra's cars was riddled with buckshot, and the floor was pooling with four bodies' worth of blood. Dash leaned over the well-dressed zebra and detached something from her neck.

"Hey, look at this," said Dash, showing Spike an enormous golden chain necklace that read 'ZECORA' in the center. Spike couldn't help but chuckle. It was a small world. A small, violent world.

"You know, if Rarity were with us she'd say 'Stealing from dead ponies is tacky, Dash', or somethin' like that," said Dash, pausing. She looked down and mumbled, "I hope she gets better quick."

Spike stepped over the cream and red mare and looked into the Everfree's trunk. Its plaid cloth-lined interior was empty save for a spare tire. But it wasn't any ordinary spare tire. The rubber had been cut into, revealing that it was full of plastic baggies of white powder.

"What do you think it is?" asked Spike.

"C'mon kid, it's white powder. Isn't it obvious?" said Dash.

"You have know idea, do you?" said Spike, knowingly.

"Nope."

"Well... how do you want to get rid of it?" asked Spike as Dash continued to look around.

She picked up another bottle of alcohol with a rag sticking out, similar to the one that had lit the Platinum on fire, from the trunk. "This here's a Yak Cocktail, I think it should do the trick," said Dash.

Spike was less than enthused. "Well, lets at least take this car," he said, pointing to the red Puddinghead coupe that remained undamaged, "so we have a ride home."

Dash fished around for the key, finding it in the cream and red mare's pocket. "Wallet says she's.... Roseluck. Well her luck's run out; am I right?"

Spike rolled his eyes.

They started up the Puddinghead, Spike driving it up next to what had once been the Platinum. Dash got out, lit the Yak Cocktail, and tossed it right into the trunk of the Everfree. Then they drove away, the flames alighting the cars and the bodies, and once again filling the garage with smoke.

Spike drove down the ramps back onto the first floor, reaching the attendant's booth at the entrance of the garage.

"Stop here," said Dash.

Spike obliged, then Dash turned and spoke to the attendant through the passenger window.

"If anyone asks, we were never here," said Dash to the pale-faced attendant, who had apparently heard the shots.

The stallion nodded grimly.

"Right. So, who joined that meeting besides the four up there?"

"Nopony," squeaked out the attendant.

"Good," said Dash, giving him a big grin. "Spike, hit it."

...so no matter what you try to do, you just can't beat that Canterlot Chew! ... Welcome back fillies and gentlecolts to PBBL Las Pallas, the home of big band. This is your host, Octavia, with the news. In local news, three zebras and an earth pony mare were found dead in a parking garage today. The mare is a local security professional by the name of Roseluck. Two of the zebras remain unidentified, but one is believed to be a bar owner and entrepreneur by the name of Zecora. Senior Detective Armor, who is charged with the case, had this to say:

'Although identification will be difficult, thanks to the damage caused to the scene by two small fires, we in the Narcotics division think that this may have been a deal gone wrong, likely a violent escalation as a result of a disagreement between the zebras and pony involved.'

In national news, teenage colt Button Mash won the National Chess Championship yesterday, beating out three-time winner and adult stallion Chocolate Tail for the title. In politics, early discussions as to President Easyglider's successor have...

The Naughty Filly of Lily Lane

The naughty filly of Lily Lane has the town in a snare,
The naughty filly of Lily Lane,
Me-oh, my-oh, what a mare,
You should she how she steals the scene,
She's got admirers for sure.
Her comp'ny must be something else,
With how they crowd at her door.
She gives out alluring advances,
To every Mac, Buck, and Bo.
When offered a drink for thirst-quenchin'
The filly just can't seem to say "no"

Other mares keep to trying to pin to her,
Things that can't hold water; the truth.
For beneath the talcum and frilly things,
There beats a heart pure and couth.
If only someone would change her,
Why she'd be sweet as can be.
Should you be in the town stature,
Oh please do drop by and see,
The naughty filly of Lily Lane
What a pleasure to hold,
The naughty filly of Lily Lane
Quite the spectacle,
So respectable.

And she's but a week-old foal!

The Amble Brothers

"Spike! I'm glad you came. This needs to be done tonight," said Twilight to him as he pushed through the door into the employee lounge of the casino. Spike wasn't sure why he'd been called in late again; this time by Twilight, and not Celestia.

"Sure. What's going on?" said Spike, curiously.

"Do you recall how Fluttershy expressed some ... difficulty, on the part of Cadence?" said Twilight.

"Uh.. vaguely."

"Well, let's just say she isn't listening to.. reason. I believe she's been threatened or otherwise coerced to drop her partnership with us. We've invested a great deal of money into Cadenza Records, and Miss Celestia has a personally vested interest in Fluttershy's career. So we are resorting to alternate methods to obtain her cooperation," said Twilight.

"Wait, do you want me to... what, kill her or something?" said Spike, taken aback.

"No, no, nothing as vulgar as that. You see, she has a prized greyhound she races at the city track, and I got to thinking: she'd be really angry if something were to happen to it. I say to myself 'Twilight, Fluttershy would not approve.' But then, I'm not doing this for Fluttershy, I'm doing this for Celestia, so I call up Hayseed and-" Twilight stopped, realizing she was rambling. "Ah, well, never mind; what I need you to do is deliver a package to Cadence this evening," said Twilight.

"Is that it?" asked Spike.

"Well, sort of. The package needs to be taken... directly to her. Tonight. While she's asleep. And opened for her. And put in her bed."

"Oh," said Spike, having a suspicion as to what the package contained.

"However, in the event we do not successfully convince Cadence, we'll want to make sure we have our hooves on the information she has on us; she threatened to blackmail Celestia if we didn't let her leave our arrangment, can you believe it? That's where Apple Bloom comes in," said Twilight.

"Who?" said Spike.

"Applejack's younger sister. Quite the locksmith, or so I'm told. You and she will need to sneak into Cadence's villa, deliver the package, steal the vital documents from the safe in her study... well, might as well empty the safe to be careful, and then leave," said Twilight.

"Is that all?" said Spike, making no effort to hide his sarcasm.

"Well, it is vital that you stay undetected whilst doing this. She's got some guards outside, but once inside you'll be in the clear: Shining tells me she takes hoof-fulls of barbiturates before bed" said Twilight, either not noticing or choosing to ignore his tone. "Apple Bloom should be arriving here in a little while. Drop by the racetrack to pick up the package, and uh... where was my notebook?" she said, fishing around in her jacket pocket. "Ah. Cadence's address is..." she said as she telekinetically flipped through the pages of a small leather-bound notebook. "1313 Lily Flower Lane. Good luck. Oh, and don't forget to see Applejack."

"Thanks," said Spike, then under his breath, "sort of."

"Well howdy Spike, what can I do ya for?" said Applejack as he strolled into the armory.

"Oh, uh, Twilight sent me. You know... the thing... at the place. She said she told you about it," said Spike.

"Oh. Sorry, I just, wasn't expecting - I mean, I figured it'd be... You never mind about that. I got what y'all will need right here," she said, sitting down in her wooden chair. She pulled out a baseball bat and a chrome-plated Neverfraidy flashlight and laid it them on table. "Twilight said she wanted this quiet, but I figured garrotes would be a little too personal," said Applejack, frowning. "Now, since you gonna have my little sister's life in them there... claws of yours, I'm going to lay this on you. I hope you won't be needing to use it." She opened a drawer and pulled out an enormous chrome-plated Foal Serpent pistol on the table. "If anything happens to my Apple Bloom, you're gonna wish it happened to you. Understand?"

Spike gulped. "Yes."

Applejack abruptly brightened. "Alright then. You best be on your way. Moonlight's a-burnin'."

"Bye," said Spike.

As he left, Applejack called out: "Any ponies give you trouble, use that there baseball bat to knock em' right outta their horseshoes, y'hear?"

"So, you're Apple Bloom?" said Spike to the youthful yellow and red mare standing by the door to the staff parking lot.

"The one and only. You Spike?" she retorted. He noticed she had a hammer and a key crossed over one another as her cutie mark.

"Yep," said Spike. "Car's this way."

He unlocked the door and they climbed into the black Hurricane Cyclone sedan he had rented. He couldn't make a claim on his Platinum - they would want to see the car, which was currently rotting in a police impound. So he had rented this from Hooftz for the time being until he bought something else. Money wasn't a problem, but he was having difficulty making up his mind now that a new Platinum wasn't an option.

He started the engine and pulled out of the lot. Apple Bloom was remaining quiet in the passenger seat. The car didn't have a clock - it didn't have anything that might've cost extra - but Spike figured it was a little after midnight. Apple Bloom spoke up about halfway to the racetrack.

"I like y'all's choice of car. I see a lot a' ... 'gangsters' ... in big ol' flashy cars that the police could spot miles away. I think this might be a bit too far, but I got a give ya' credit for the effort. Gives me confidence in ya', me being all in your hoove.... claws, and the like."

"Oh, this isn't really my car, it's just a rental. A zebra lit my old car on fire," said Spike.

"There goes my confidence," mumbled Apple Bloom.

Spike pulled to a stop in front of the dog track. A brown earth pony stallion was leaning against a nearby phone booth.

"Stay here, I just have to pick something up," said Spike.

"Not going anywhere," said Apple Bloom.

He walked up to the stallion.

"Are you Hayseed?" asked Spike.

"Indeedly-do."

"Uh, the package, please,"

"I'd say not to look inside, 'less you got yerself a strong stomach," said Hayseed, tossing a brown paper parcel to him.

"Uh, thanks for the heads up."

"Heh, real funny."

The engine wheezed as Spike drove the Hurricane up the hills surrounding Golden Grasses Golf Course. Cadence lived in one of the mane sprawling mansions encircling this oasis of transplanted grass, atop a hill with a splendid view of the neon lights of the city. As they turned onto Lily Flower Lane, Apple Bloom spoke up for the first time since she'd 'lost confidence'.

"Hey, look, I want you to know I ain't a thief," said Apple Bloom.

"Eh?" asked Spike.

"My sister asked me to do this, for Twilight. I figured I owed it to 'er, but I ain't got a habit of breaking into places and stealing' and all that," said Apple Bloom.

"Uh.. good for you, I guess?" said Spike, not really knowing how to answer.

"Not to put down y'all's ... profession, or anything; but I ain't that type a' mare. Which makes it a might' hard to have all a' my family in it, always offerin' me jobs like this. I guess what I'm tryin' to say is, I ain't gonna be the best a' company when we get in there."

"As long as you can be quiet, and you listen to me; we'll be fine," said Spike as the car drew to a stop.

The gate of Cadence's mansion drew long trapezoidal shadows from the Cyclone's headlights, casting an orange glow onto her driveway. No lights were on inside the house, but various lampposts strewn across her extensive gardens were visible. He'd seen it during the day, he'd even drove Cadence back to it once or twice when he was a chauffeur - it was a huge two-story marble edifice, complete with porte-cochere and garden maze. The grounds were ringed with a high boxwood hedge so Spike turned right onto a narrow golf cart path that followed it.

He pulled over to the side of the path when he spotted a wooden gate in the hedge wall. He shut the car off and motioned for Apple Bloom to follow him as he exited it and crossed to the gate, tossing the 'package' onto Apple Bloom's back so he could have his claws free.

He tried to pull it open, but that only elicited a minute movement and a slight rattle.

"Locked... " said Spike. "Hrm..... Apple Bloom, do you think you could unlock this?"

"Now what kind of question is that? Ponies is always underestimatin' me." she said, slipping out a small leather toolkit from her green denim coveralls. She didn't even bother to mess with the tumblers; she merely stuck a screwdriver into the lock and turned it. The cast iron lock clicked open, and the light breeze of the night swung the gate inwards.

"It's gonna take a whole lot more than that to stop me," said Apple Bloom, with a touch of bravado.

They both crouched and moved through the gate, Apple Bloom shutting it behind her. The nearest source of light was from a lantern in a white gazebo. Though it was dark, it was obvious to see that part of the hedge maze lie in front of them. Spike could also see the house in the distance, its back patio a beacon in the darkness thanks to outdoor lighting. Though there were doors into the dining room from it, the light would be bad for staying unnoticed.

"Hang back, I'm going to scout ahead," said Spike, not waiting for Apple Bloom to replay as he crept towards the gazebo, deciding to go around the maze rather than through it. As he approached he passed a marble statue of a draconequus, and an electrical box nestled amongst some bushes. He continued, and peered around the corner and immediately pulled his head back in. He had seen a brawny earth pony stallion in a cheap suit leaning up against a railing of the gazebo, presumably taking a cigarette break from security rounds.There was no easy way to sneak by other than going through the maze.

Or was there?

Spike backtracked to the electrical box, and opened it. What moonlight that was present did not provide enough light to see into the box, so he stuck a claw, grabbed a few wires, and pulled. Hard. A few sparks flew, but the lantern in the gazebo went out as well as a few other lampposts strewn about the maze and the rest of the property.

Then, naturally, he heard hoofsteps. He readied the baseball bat and hit behind the statue. The steps on the gravel grew louder, then stopped. Spike crept around to behind the stallion, who had flipped on a flashlight and was holding it in his mouth as he tried to understand what had happened to the box. Spike crept silently up behind him, lifted the bat up high, and swung it down onto the back of his head. He fell to the ground, the flashlight falling to the ground and shining right in his closed eyes.

Spike heard steps from behind him, and was ready to swing until Apple Bloom came into view. She looked down at the stallion and jumped back a little.

"Jumpin' Junebugs, Spike. You killed him!" she said, looking aghast.

"Uh.. Well, maybe not. He's just like, knocked out, you know?" said Spike.

"Spike, y'all just hit him over the head with a bat. He's deader than an Appaloosa salad bar. Don't you feel nothin' when you do something like that?" asked Apple Bloom.

"Now is not the time or place to talk about remorse, kid," said Spike. "We got a job to do. You ain't got no right to get all high-and-mighty with..." He caught himself before he began to yell. "Look, stay quiet. I'll try to sneak past anypony else, okay?"

"Uh... alright. I hope I ain't gonna be sick," said Apple Bloom.

Spike led them forward, past the dark gazebo and in the general direction of the still-lit patio. He felt along the side of the hedge to guide himself, but slowed down a little when the gravel path became concrete tile. Apple Bloom however, was following close and did not slow down. She bumped right into Spike, pushing him forward. He fell, and after a tremendous splash was gasping for air. He'd just fallen - or, more precisely, Apple Bloom had just pushed him - into Cadence's swimming pool. He splashed around, reaching for the side, instead encountering an outstretched hoof.

"Hold on, I'll pull ya' out," said Apple Bloom. She tugged and pulled Spike out of the deep end of the pool. He then grabbed her and pulled her into the nearest hiding place, one of the entrances to the hedge maze. He covered her mouth with his claw and they both stayed quiet as another set of hoofsteps drew near.

"Miss Cadence, that you? Takin' a midnight swim?" said the voice of a stallion. "Anypony?"

The only sound that came in reply was that of the breeze, which only served to make Spike freezing in his drenched suit.

"Prolly' some stupid animal. Looks like rats ate through that wire again, too," the stallion mumbled to himself. "Mare I hate this job."

Spike waited for his hoofsteps to dissipate as the stallion walked away, and then pulled Apple Bloom along, quickly and quietly, to the back of the house, avoiding the lit patio. They hugged the wall, eventually finding a door on the side of the house. Locked again, but with some of Apple Blooms hooftywork, it wasn't a problem. It creaked open, a gaping maw into absolute darkness inside the house. They both went in, and Spike pulled it closed behind them.

When he flipped on the Neverfraidy flashlight it shone on rows of cider casks. They were in a cider cellar, replete with concrete floor and stone walls, and had to get upstairs.

"Creepy," noted Apple Bloom. "I wonder if it's haunted?"

"Hardly," mused Spike. "This house is only twenty years old, not much of a chance of that."

He walked along the rows, shining the light back and forth, looking for a door out, or at least a light switch. He spied a wooden door on the right. Not locked, thankfully. It opened to a staircase up to the main floor. Apple Bloom stayed right behind him - nearly stepping on his tail. At the top of the stairs, another door led to a hallway, where Spike decided to go to the left and opened up the door at the end.

They were in a sitting room, the flashlight reflecting off the metallic face of a grandfather clock. Windows looked out onto the mostly dark gardens, and the neon lights of the city in the distance. This was the only way into the room, so he turned back into the hallway.

"Stop," said Apple Bloom. Spike froze in his tracks. "Did you hear that?" she whispered.

Spike stayed quiet. "I can't hear anything," he said quietly.

"I could've sworn I heard whistling," she said, sighing.

Spike shrugged and continued on, taking an open doorway on the left. They found themselves in the dining room, so they hugged the left wall to stay away from the windows and french doors on the right, where light streamed in.

They went through the kitchen on the other side and then broke right to find a rear stair hall, a wide wooden staircase curving upwards to a second floor balcony. They climbed up them, and entered another hallway upstairs. The light shone on a door squarely at the end of the hallway, and they approached it, claw and hoof-steps muffled by a fine Donkey rug running the length of the hall. Spike opened it cautiously. It was a large room, with dark wood paneling and herringbone floor. Three tall windows overlooked the front lawn and garages beyond, replete with a fleet of various limousines and sports cars. Beyond that lie the dark ocean of the golf course broken only by the beacon of light from the country club building.

In the center of the room was a large desk, so this was presumably her study. However, while the walls were lined with bookcases and framed gold records, he didn't see a safe anywhere.

"Look around; her safe should be in here. Maybe it's hidden?" said Spike to Apple Bloom.

She nodded and started looking; opening up the large wardrobe on the near wall. Spike started knocking on walls, looking for a false panel, when he spotted an unusual book among the many on the shelves. He strode over to it. It stood out because it was red with elaborate gold filigree. He now saw that it stood in the middle of a full collection of the Daring Do series, but was not one of the adventure mare's serials. I was instead an old fairy tale, The Mare in the Moon'. He pulled on it.

Nothing happened.

"Well shit," he said, leaning onto Cadence's desk behind him.

Apple Bloom opened her mouth to say something but a panel slid open on one of the walls, revealing a secret compartment with a large blue safe. Spike looked under his claw, and saw a large wooden button hidden in the desk's carvings that he'd just accidentally pressed.

"Well, I'll be damned," said Spike.

Apple Bloom strode over and sat down in front of the safe. Spike pulled out Cadence's chair and, just as he sat on it and began to relax, he heard:

"Oh darn, this here's a Flange 9000. This'll take hours to crack!" exclaimed Apple Bloom.

Spike nearly snapped his neck with how quickly he turned around. "WHAT?" he said, altogether too loudly for their situation.

"I'm just kidding," said Apple Bloom, chucking and opening the safe and gracefully gesturing towards its contents like a game show mare.

Spike face-clawed and put the flashlight in his mouth as he walked over and then rifled through the safe. He started stuffing his jacket pockets with the paperwork that he figured Twilight would want. Most of it looked like sales reports and memos from her record company; but there were handwritten notes, betting slips, and even an account ledger that, even at a glance, looked less than legitimate. It would've been bad for Celestia and anyone working under her should Cadence have chosen to expose her relationship with the black hoof.

He was about to start on the less 'relevant' things in the safe - the jewelry and bits, namely - when he heard the distinct sound of hoof steps on stairs. He and Apple Bloom looked right at one another.

"Hide," said Spike.

Apple Bloom ducked under Cadence's desk while he ran to the open wardrobe. Only when he pulled the door closed, did he realize that he'd left the safe wide open. He heard the steps grow louder and gingerly peeked through the crack between the wardrobe door. He saw a brown mule mare in a maid outfit gently open the door into the room, flipping on the lights.

"Miss Cadence? Are you in here?" said the mule.

She looked around, walking further into the 'empty' room. Her blue eyes landed on the open safe. Her eyes shot back and forth, and then she closed the door behind her and drew the curtains on the three windows shut.

She walked up to the safe, and, biting her lip, emptied all the bits and valuables inside into her pockets. When the safe was empty, she shut it, and forcibly closed the false panel. She quickly flipped the lights off and left the room, audibly gulping before she closed the door behind her.

After her hoof steps faded away, Spike exited the wardrobe and said to Apple Bloom, who was trying to get unstuck from under the desk. "Well, that happened. Now we just have to find her bedroom."

"Little help, please?" said Apple Bloom, and Spike grabbed a hoof and tugged her out from under the desk.

Spike opened the study door, and shined the flashlight back down the hall. The door at the far end was the one they'd came through before; now there were two on the left and one on the right. He opened the first one on the left. It was a storeroom full of towels and other linens. Not the master bedroom. They tried the next one, a bathroom. Still no dice, but before he left the room he heard a noise from outside. He walked up to the window, which overlooked the driveway and the front gate. He saw a red Breezy drive down the drive and stop in front of the front gate. A brown mare - the mule from before, got out and pressed a button next to the gate on a metal post, and the gate slid back. She drove through and sped off, not bothering to close the gate behind her.

Spike headed back past a waiting Apple Bloom, opening the door on the right of the hall. It led onto a wide balcony overlooking a two story entrance foyer. A door lay at the other end, and one pair of double doors was on the left. A complex staircase led downstairs from both sides. He hugged the wall on the left, staying away from the moonlight streaming in from the two story windows on the front of the house.

He opened the double doors, and they revealed a huge bedroom with lavender walls and a large pink canopy bed in the center. The room was filled with the sound of a pony snoring. Spike waved Apple Bloom to him and made a zipping motion for her to be quiet. He took the package from her back, and snuck forward towards the bed. Cadence, a pink alicorn, lied on the other side of the bed, snoring loudly and wearing a silk sleep mask. He pulled the strings of the package open. He averted his eyes as he lifted up the quilted duvet and shoved the greyhound's head from the package under it next to the sleeping alicorn.

He took the wrapping of the package and tossed it in a nearby garbage can, and then grabbed Apple Bloom and quickly led her out of the room and down the stairs. They ducked beneath the windows overlooking the front lawn. Spike popped up and looked out the window for any guard stallions. None were visible, so he ran and Apple Bloom galloped out to the large carport on the far side of the front lawn. Spike tried the nearest car, a silver Trots-Truly limousine. He tried the door. Locked.

Apple Bloom pushed him out of the way and started on the lock. Spike looked around nervously, trying to spot the remaining guard stallion - or any that he hadn't seen already. Apple Bloom got the door open, and jumped into the passenger seat and unlocked the driver's side. Spike climbed in, and fumbled in his full pockets for his screwdriver.

"Here," said Apple Bloom, handing him a gold-plated key with the Trots-Truly logo. "I found it in the glove box."

Spike stuck the key in the ignition on the turned wooden dash, and turned it. The straight eight fired and then settled to a gentle purr; which would've been quiet enough for nopony to hear. Unfortunately, Cadence (she was a record executive, after all) had the radio set on PBBL at an extreme volume. The voices of the Amble Brothers were undoubtedly audible to anypony nearby, so Spike made a split-second decision.

"Duck," he told Apple Bloom.

He slammed on the gas, the rear tires spitting gravel against the back wall of the carport. He sped down the driveway, headlights blazing the path, nearly hitting a stallion who was galloping towards the noise. As Spike passed the pony raised his shotgun, firing at the rear of the car, putting holes in the trunk and the back window. Another stallion fired a few rounds into the side of the car - the heavy hoof-made bodywork of the car stopped them, thankfully - with a Foal 1912. He made it past the gates and accelerated down the road, the big car disappearing from the stallions' view.

The two of them kept firing futilely into the darkness, but eventually gave up. They were both breathing heavily from a combination of exercise and adrenaline.

"I'll tell you.... what." said the bulkier gray stallion, "I'm... not going to be.... the one... that tells Cadence."

"Me.... neither," said the other, a thin beige unicorn buck.

"Maybe we let the... day guys handle it?" suggested the gray earth pony.

"Fine by me," said the unicorn. He held a hoof to his chin and narrowed his eyes, asking "Hey, have you seen Lou?"

"Thanks," said Spike as he dropped Apple Bloom off in front of the Horseshoe casino.

"Well, at least it was excitin', right?" said Apple Bloom, eliciting a small chuckle. "I am never-ever-never doing that again, though."

"Agreed," said Spike.

"Hey, what're you gonna do with that there fancy-mobile?" said Apple Bloom

"I know a guy," said Spike.

It was approaching dawn when Spike pulled the Trots up to Rich's dealership - or, at least, where it used to be. In the place of the old white-tiled building was a circular modernist building with floor to ceiling glass windows all around, save for a small concrete center core that held the roof up. Some cubicles were organized around the center, but the rest of the marble floor was full of enormous new Starswirls sedans, coupes, and convertibles. The building itself was brightly lit with a plethora of fluorescent lights inside, reflecting off the shiny cars and the polished marble floor. The whole building was like a beacon in the night, even next to the gaudy neon of the other dealerships on Honesty street.

Spike weaved the big silver limousine through the rows of cars, finally parking it haphazardly in the customer lot close to the building. He exited the car and strode up to the huge glass doors, pulling one upon with considerable effort. Once inside, he couldn't see anypony around. He called out: "Hello-ooo?"

A brown earth pony stallion with greased back graying hair - Filthy Rich himself - popped up from a cubicle, looking like he just woke up. His eyes lit up with recognition.

"Spiiiiike! Long time no see! What brings you here at..." - he glanced to a clock mounted high on the building's circular core - "4 AM? Lookin' to buy? I would be happy to help you!"

"Hi Rich. Uh, no, I was actually looking to sell," said Spike.

"Oh," he said, frowning,"That, I may be less help with. Come on over a take a load off, just the same."

Spike walked over and sat in an obscenely comfortable leather chair in front of Rich's desk. "I was kind of hoping to get rid of a... 'hot' car. I mean, I can just leave it by the side of the road somewhere, but..."

"Ah? Is that the problem?" said Rich, "Well I probably can't help; I've got far, far more inventory than I can sell. But I do know a mare who can."

"Is that so?" said Spike.

"Oh, yes; nobody wants to buy the new models - I mean, okay, yes they're a little homely, and perhaps a wee bit too big, but they're powerful and I'm offering such big re...." Rich looked to Spike. "Oh, not that, the other thing. Yes, some mare that exports luxury cars to Saddle Arabia. Looky-loo, or Scootapoo, or something. I've got her number somewhere in my Ergodex; she might even have some more 'acquisition' work for you - that is, if you're still doing that."

"I'll keep it in mind," said Spike.

"Excellent, I'll get her the car, and tell her you are interested. Perhaps, with those bits... you might find enough discretionary funds for... I don't know, a new car perhaps," said Rich.

"Well, my Platinum did.... meet it's maker, per se. I suppose I could... uh, consider the cars you guys have. They're a little big, though, and kind of remind me of a wha..."

"Believe me - I've heard it all," said Rich with a wave of the hoof. "I can give you the whole spiel later... though I confess I'm just a tiny bit exhausted at the moment, and I wouldn't want to mis-represent the fine... uh, what was that slogan again..." he coughed and adopted the melodramatic voice of a TV announcer, "The fine tradition of craftsmanship and outstanding performance that comes with the name 'Starswirl'."

"Ask the mare who owns one." said Spike, also quoting ad material.

"Exactly," said Rich, clapping his hooves together.

"I did mean to ask: why are you the one here at 5 AM? You're the boss - don't you have flunkies for this sort of stuff?" said Spike.

"Excellent question my boy," said Rich. He clapped his hooves together and seemingly changed the subject: "Have you met my wife?"

"Uh, no. I think I met your daughter a few times, though," said Spike, wondering where this was going.

"Well, close enough. Suri is like Diamond Tiara, but worse. Don't get me wrong - I love them both, but they are not easy to get along with much of the time. I got Suri a job as a receptionist just so she'd stop sitting around watching soaps all day - but her favorite hobby is still nagging me. Sometimes it's nice to get a night at the office, alone."

"Well, why isn't anypony else here?" asked Spike.

"Ah, well, nopony usually buys a luxury car in the middle of the night. We just have somepony here to keep the lights on and and make sure nopony goes and vandalizes or steals the merchandise."

"I see," said Spike.

"Oh look, the sun's rising," said Rich, striding over to the glass. The red glow of the sun shined past the high rises of the city, darkening them into silhouettes and tinting the sky orange. "You know, sometimes I really question this place - city, full of criminals, sitting in the middle of the desert, my role in all of it - it's more than a little stupid. But, then I see the beauty of something like a sunrise, and I think everything is right with the world."
Spike sighed. "I don't know if I can say the same."

An ear splitting scream - the kind that comes from a mare who just discovered the neatly severed head of her prized greyhound in her bed beside her - caused early morning golfers and commuting maids to pause for a moment. The world of the wealthy stood still, if just for a moment, but then everything continued, just as it was, save for the life of one pink alicorn.

....that's right, the new Everfree is more powerful, more comfortable, and more stylish than ever. 'Oh Everfree's the stallion's car, it's Equestria's shining star!'... This is Octavia for PBBL Las Pallas, and it's time for the morning news. In national news, early polls for the upcoming president election point to two standouts amongst the candidates: Vice President Jet Set, as well as relative newcomer, Canterlot Senator Fancy Pants. This station host personally favors Jet Set; as does a slight majority of Equestria, but anything can happen in the upcoming race. In more local news, the construction of the Sultan Casino was finished after several delays. It is expected to open to the public in a few weeks, with a grand opening extravaganza including...

Everypony's Somepony's Joke

I tell myself I ought to just ignore you,
'Cause my love for you is something you find funny,
Yet somehow I can't bring myself to end it,
You might love it but it wroughts great pain on me.

For everypony's somepony's joke,
Everypony's been cheated on,
And you can ask any sort of folk,
Yes, everypony's somepony's joke.

I know someday the tables, they'll a-turn,
You love somepony that just won't love you,
Only then you'll know how much you've hurt me,
Their cruel laughs'll mock the hurt you feel.

Yeah, everypony's somepony's joke,
Everypony's somepony's punchline,
So you can ask any sort of folk,
Why, everypony's somepony's joke.

Criollie Gallops

The bell on the glass doors of the dealership rang when Spike entered around noon, but unlike before no salesponies mobbed him. Diamond Tiara was already pressuring someone into a lease plan and paid him no mind, and Flam scooted away, no doubt having heard something unpleasant about Spike from his brother. He strode straight up to the reception desk and tapped the little cashier bell. Silver Spoon looked up from paperwork she was intently staring at and immediately broke into a smile upon the sight of him.

"Here to speak to Rich, I suppose?" she asked.

"Actually, I was looking to buy something, but I would prefer he sell it to me over those two," said Spike.

"Aw, I'm sorry. He's out at some training program for sales managers," she said, looking between the preoccupied Diamond Tiara and Flam, who was hiding behind a cardboard cutout depicting the Starswirl's new engine. "I guess I could help you, if you don't mind?"

"Not at all, " said Spike.

Silver Spoon hopped off her chair and rounded the reception desk. "Do you know what you're looking for?"

"Uh, something big and fast and comfortable?" said Spike. "Preferably with A/C and an automatic. I haven't really kept up with the models and such."

"Literally every car we have here fits that description, so you're in luck," said Silver Spoon without a hint of sarcasm.

"Well, a four door sedan, then," provided Spike.

"Okay, that rules out the convertible, the Coupe D'etat, and Coupe D'grace. Are you concerned more about price or features?"

"Money is no - well, not no object, but not a very big one," said Spike.

"Well then you'll be most interested in a fully optioned Sedan D'grace," she said, leading him over to a huge white four door sitting in the middle of the showroom.

After mulling over the horrific name, Spike took a walk around the car. It had quad stacked headlights on each side of a horizontally striped chrome grille over a massive bumper. Coves led back from the front wheel wells, trailing into the front doors. The back was dominated by tall yet stubby canted tail fins with three light pods. The delicate greenhouse seemed to float above the heavily sculpted body, with acres of glass and a reverse canted rear window. The whole thing gave an impression of immense mass, only furthered by the diminutive size of the tiny whitewall tires it sat on.

As he was inspecting it, Silver Spoon had pulled out the paperwork and rattled off the features and options: "... air conditioning, record player, dual twelve-way reclining power seats, leather upholstery, wheel covers, trunk carpeting, fender skirts, power antenna, AM/FM/CB radio, white sidewall tires, power windows, roll-down rear window, three speed automatic, gas shocks, four wheel coil springs, gauge package... uh, not sure what the rest of this means... anti-slip differential, triple three-barrel carburetors, 400 stallionpower, and 415 hoof-pounds of ... tour-qway?"

Spike looked up at the mention of the last two. That was certainly a lot more than his old car had had.

"Oh, and Rich left a note saying you'd only have to pay factory invoice," said Silver Spoon.

"Sold," said Spike. "Only there's just one problem."

"What?" said Silver Spoon, worried she'd done something wrong.

"Car like this, it just wouldn't be right without somepony pretty in the passenger seat," said Spike, winking.

"Oh?" said Silver Spoon, confused.

"I don't suppose you'd know anyone that could fit the bill?" asked Spike.

"Oooooohhhhhhh," said Silver Spoon. "I think I can also help you with that."

A few days later Spike got a phone call at his apartment.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Ah, yes, I'm looking for a 'Spike Dragon'?" said a vaguely female voice on the other end of the line.

"This is he," replied Spike, twirling the cable with his claws.

"This is Scootaloo; I believe Rich spoke to me about you? I wanted to see if you were still interested in my 'employment opportunity', because I need all the cars I can get," she said.

"Sure I'm still interested" replied Spike.

"Great. I've got a warehouse at 216 Dignity Way, near the railroad tracks. But, uh, gimme some time; drop by later this week. I gotta get a list together and all," said Scootaloo, the sound of shuffling papers audible in the background.

"I'm fine with that. Hey, sorry about the, uh, damage to the first car you got," said Spike.

"Oh, don't worry, I have a body shop that don't ask questions. But with all the stuff coming in and out - usually about 3 AM - it puts a bit of a kink in the supply schedule, not anything I can't handle of course."

Spike noticed a beep and the 'call waiting' bulb light up on his phone. "Hey, I got another call, I'll be by Friday, okay?"

"Good," said Scootaloo.

He answered the other call. "Hello?"

"Hey, Spike, it's Dash. We need you down here at the casino. It's not an emergency or anything, but try to be snappy."

"So you're saying we need to burn down the old casino you've just bought?" said Spike, trying to make sense of what Twilight had told him. Once again, everyone was at a table in the Horseshoe's restaurant.

"I've determined that the current insurance valuation on Del Huerto Relinchos is more than the casino can bring in as it stands. We want to redevelop the site, and this is easier than paying demolition crews," said Twilight, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

"The short answer is yes," said Celestia.

"Won't any of the police suspect insurance fraud? Shining does so much, but he's got no leeway in the Arson squad," said Rarity, concerned.

"It's handled, dear. I made an announ...." Celestia trailed off as Fluttershy approached the table, wearing a huge smile.

She walked up and gave a surprised Celestia a hug. "Oh, I'm not sure what you said, but thank you, thank you! Miss Cadence called me yesterday and said she'd made a huge mistake and wanted me back and recording for her. She's got a whole new album in mind!"

"That's very nice, darling, but don't thank me. Twilight was the one made sure Cadence... saw the error in her ways," said Celestia.

Fluttershy turned and hugged Twilight hard, making her glasses slide right back down her nose. "Thank you, too!"

"It's ... no ... problem," said Twilight, having difficulty breathing.

"Well, I'll leave you all to your business stuff. I'm back onstage in a little while. Bye Rarity, Dash, Spike!" she said as she trotted off.

Celestia coughed and flattened out her suit. "Where was I? Ah, yes, I made a statement in the newspaper yesterday about my plans to restore and modernize Del Huerto Relinchos. As far as the public and police are concerned, this fire will be of great fiscal loss to us," said Celestia. She smiled and broadened her address to Spike and Dash. "If it helps, you're welcome to make it look accidental. I don't want any of you hurt, though - Rarity's just fully recovered now."

"Well, I guess we better go, then," said Dash to no one in particular.

Rarity and Dash appeared a bit taken aback when Spike pulled up in front of the casino in the Starswirl, having retrieved it from the parking lot.

"Spike," asked Rarity, "this is your new car?"

"What gave you the hint? How I drove up in it?" said Spike sarcastically.

"It's just that, well, it's a tad big." said Rarity.

"And kinda ugly," added Dash.

"I assumed after all the incidents where your old car came up short; well I just expected you'd get something smaller and more... nimble, perhaps?" said Rarity.

"Are you getting in or not?" said Spike curtly. Dash climbed into the passenger seat, and Rarity sat down in the back. With a deep rumble, he pulled out into the harried evening traffic.

"So, you given this thing a nickname yet?" asked Dash after a few moments of awkward silence.

"A nickname?" asked Rarity.

"You know, the car. I hear ponies are always giving them names, like they would a dog or something." replied Dash.

"Not yet, but I was thinking about it." said Spike.

"How 'bout... Bertha!" said Dash.

"Why the hell would I name it that?" asked Spike.

"I dunno, I think it suits it. I just sounds like a ... big sorta name. Makes me think of whales." said Dash.

"What about Papa Jack, then?" asked Rarity.

"Who the hell's Papa Jack?" said Dash as Spike stopped the car at a red light.

"You know, Papa Jack? The white whale? As in Captain Seahag, 'Call me Amos', harpoon the whale, all that trollop?" said Rarity, furrowing her brow. After seeing the confusion on both of their faces, she sighed. "Neither of you have read any Hemane Mellveil, I see. Honestly, is nopony in this town properly educated?"

"Hmm..." thought Dash. "That's it! The White Whale! That's what we'll call it!" she exclaimed.

"No-no-no." said Spike. "We are not-"

"Sorry, darling, but the jig is up." interrupted Rarity. "Once Dash gets her hooves on something like that, she won't be letting it go."

Spike let out a defeated sigh as the White Whale pulled into the cracked and weedy parking lot of Del Huerto Relinchos. He made sure to park the car behind the building, in the employee parking lot, rather than the large lot in front of the building.

"Why are we parking here, darling?" asked Rarity, somewhat puzzled.

"Because a shiny new car sitting in front of a building right before it lights on fire is a little suspicious, right?" he replied rhetorically.

The huge wooden door of the hotel let out a pained squeal as Spike pushed it open. Light from the warm fall day streamed into the dusty lobby. The room was modestly sized, with a red tile floor, stucco walls, and rough-hewn rafters crossing the tall ceiling. On the left was a bone dry fountain under a mosaic depicting a desert sunset. On the right was a wood-paneled check-in counter. On the far was an archway led further inside. Spike clawed around for a light switch, but couldn't seem to find one. The huge cast iron chandelier with its light bulbs disguised as candles was hanging high above them, unlit.

"Cripes, this place has gone downhill mighty fast," remarked Dash.

"It's been closed for several months now, and I suspect nopony has visited in that time," said Rarity.

Dash pulled off a white sheet covering a couch, sending dust everywhere and giving herself a sneeze. "Place needs a cleaning, sure, but isn't burning it to the ground a little much?" said Dash.

"Frankly darling, it's worth more as a vacant lot," replied Rarity, trotting across the room. "Even discounting the insurance money, the past owners were suspected of rigging the tables, and that reputation didn't go away when Celestia bought the place."

Dash followed her to the darkened archway. "So, what exactly are we looking for? Celestia said to make it look like an accident. Spike, you're good at this sort of thing, what do you think?" Dash turned around. "Spike?"

"AHA!" exclaimed Spike, who had made his way behind the check-in counter. He flipped a huge switch on the wall. The chandelier lit up, but so did the room beyond the archway. The lights flickered on one by one down the long casino hall, revealing table after table, each covered by white sheets. At the end of the huge room was a raised stage backed by red velvet curtains.

After regaining his composure, Spike joined the mares, who had begun to explore the casino's main room. Rarity asked "Why did you turn on the lights? I mean, the sunlight likely would have been sufficient."
"I've had enough roaming around darkened buildings for one lifetime, thank you very much. I'm not even sure whether insurance fraud is any better than a severed head." said Spike.

Both of the mares turned around to stare at him.

"Uh, to answer your question," said Spike to change the topic, "I can probably figure something out with the wiring. The power's on, so it shouldn't be too hard to start a fire,"

"Well let's see if we can find an electrical box or the like," said Rarity.

Spike took a better look at the large room they were all in. It was down a few steps from the lobby, and the floor was carpeted instead of tiled, but it kept the rustic motif going. Windows overlooking the parking lot lined the left wall, the stage dominated the far wall, and along the right wall sat a long bar, replete with a cornucopia of empty liquor bottles . On either side of the bar were arches leading further in, one towards a restaurant, the other towards the hotel wing.

Dash trotted towards the stage, while Spike went to the near archway. Spike peered through into what appeared to be a small restaurant. Amongst a mural on the wall depicting a rural stucco village, partially lit neon letters spelled La Cantina Duranga. Spike shouted back to the pair, "We can always try something with the kitchen if we can't find anything else."

"Darling, I'd prefer to avoid a gas explosion, if possible," said Rarity, somehow sounding both sincere yet sarcastic. She was rapping her hoof on the walls by the windows to see if there were any false panels hiding electrical access.

"No need." said Dash, sticking her rainbow-maned head out from between the stage curtains. "There's all kinda lighting and sound stuff backstage, should be a synch."

"Spike, you know how I mocked you for parking the car behind the building? I apologize," said Rarity, who was tilting her head as she looked out one of the windows.

That elicited a simultaneous "Huh?" from both Dash and Spike, and they both approached the window Rarity was staring out of. They saw a brown Puddinghead sedan pull into the parking lot. Three mares bedecked in business wear stepped out. What was more, the driver was a griffin in a pinstripe suit.

"Holy shit, I know her!" said Dash. Rarity quickly shushed her. "She's Gilda, she was in the same neighborhood as me growing up. She's one of Luna's heavy hitters," Dash whispered.

Gilda got out and popped the trunk. She reached in and then appeared to give some things to the mares crowded around her.

"What are they doing here?" asked Spike.

"I have a very sinking suspicion," said Rarity, squinting to see what it was the griffin had gotten from the trunk.

The four walked closer to the building, prompting Rarity to shove Dash's head down below the windowsill. When they got close, one of the mares levitated out a lighter from her pocket. Only then did Spike see what they were carrying.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," said Spike, having dealt with these before.

"RUN!" shouted Rarity. Spike was hot on her tail and Dash, after a moment of confusion, followed. No less than a second later, bottles set ablaze smashed through the windows of the grand room. One Yak Cocktail landed and lit a roulette table on fire. Another made it all the way to the bar across the room. One hit the stage and the curtains immediately became a wall of fire.

Unfortunately, one of them landed near the archway into the lobby, cutting off their escape. The room began to fill with choking black smoke as Rarity did a 360 and ran towards the restaurant.

"What a wonderful welcome back to the job." said Rarity, coughing as she led them through the equally smoky dining room.

"I think we can get out through the kitchen. There was a fire exit near where we parked." provided Spike, who, as a young dragon, was highly tolerant of the smoke.

"Good - *cough* - idea." said Dash.

Spike led them through the small kitchen and to a laundry room. He pushed through a door, and the heat rushed past him to the outside. Then, and only then, did the fire alarm go off, ringing ineffectually without any sprinklers to abate the blaze.

The two mares followed him out into the back parking lot, breathing heavily but recovering quickly.

"We should probably go," said Spike, running towards the White Whale nearby.

"Agreed; lest they find us," said Rarity.

They piled in and Spike exited the back lot, driving over a grass strip onto a side street rather than drive right past the arsonist mares. Spike looked back briefly in the rearview mirror, seeing the roof of the casino begin to buckle as flames licked out of the windows. They'd even lit up the roadside windmill that served as a sign. The sign collapsed, falling back onto the roof of the lobby. On the brief drive back to the Horseshoe, the White Whale was passed by the very same brown sedan, which thankfully paid them no mind.

"So what you're saying is that they beat you to it?" asked Twilight, trying to make sense of the predicament. They were all sitting at a table back in the Horseshoe's Undersea Bistro.

"Exactly. We were about to start an electrical fire, but before we could they through some Cookie Cocktails through the windows. I don't think they even knew we were there," replied Spike.

Meanwhile, Celestia was having difficulty stopping her continued laughter.

"Honestly, is it really that funny?" said Rarity. "I mean, we very well could have died in there!"

"Aw, lighten up Rarity, that weren't gonna happen," said Dash.

Celestia managed to stop laughing, and after wiping a tear from her eye, she began "I apologize, but it's really too precious. I announce my big plans for that place, and Luna decides to ruin them by burning the place down! Little did she know that was exactly what I was planning to do myself! Oh, the irony, it's too much!"

"It's technically not irony, ma'am, just coincidence," said Twilight.

Spike glanced at his watch. "I'm sorry, but, uh, can I go? I've got a date I need to get ready for."

"Who's the unlucky mare?" poked Dash. "Or, uh, dragoness... or, you know, whatever," she said, mentally stumbling and getting quickly flustered.

"It's a mare, Silver Spoon," replied Spike. He turned to Celestia, and asked politely, "May I leave?"

"Oh, oh, you really needn't ask," said Celestia, still holding back snorts of laughter. "Go ahead."

... with ninety-nine-point-nine percent reporting from yesterday's election, it's official: Senator Fancy Pants has won the presidency by a small margin, and will be succeeding President Easyglider next year. He has yet to make an acceptance speech, but Jet Set had some remarks about his loss, including "No matter the pain from my unfortunate loss, I take solace in the great taste of Canterlot Chew." This is DJ Vinyl Scratch for PEPP Los Relinchos, and I am pleased as punch this voting season. There's something less pleasing on the local news scene, however: the historic Del Huerto Relinchos casino burned to the ground this morning. Preliminary police investigations point to arson as the likely culprit. Local businessmare, Astralia Celestia, who recently took ownership of the property, had this to say:

"While it is very unfortunate that such a thing happened to such an integral part of the culture and economy of our desert paradise, risen from the ashes of this incident I intend to make an investment that will be a boon to all of Los Relinchos: a new casino, hotel, and resort, that will shine like a beacon in the memory of the resort that started it all. The Phoenix Casino will be something all citizens of this fair city can be proud of."