The Drunken Adventures Of a Tired Man

by DJWulf89

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Anthro, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1797

Naturally, I woke up in Equestria. Where else would an aspiring adventurer such as myself wind up?

A drunken idiot with a gun finds himself in the magical, wonderful land of Equestria. I would say 'hilarity ensues' but that just seems too clichéd.

Published 2014-08-27 17:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-27 17:00:03 UTC

Chapter The First One - Predictability

I was told that writing a journal is therapeutic. Well, technically, I was told that writing a diary is therapeutic but I refuse to refer to it as such.

Now, how to start, how to start…

What’s that I hear you saying? ‘Description of yourself and the world you are in’? Well that’s awfully generic of you.

But I suppose I can start off with that, what with never having written anything besides mission reports before.

My name is... Well, the name I chose is Isaac Walker. I am six feet and three inches tall. I have blue eyes. I have muscles. Should’ve went with Gary Stu.

Also, as you can probably tell from the title, I was a bodyguard. Pretty well known, too. I had lots of clients, including Su-

Oh yeah, the world I live in. That would be Equestria. And every time I think of that name I want to kill something.

Anyway, I suppose I should tell you what cliché occurred for me to be in this land of anthropomorphized ponies. Yes, I know. I wish I had gone to the regular Equestria as well.

Well, that would be death. I was vaporized by an explosion. Tragic, I know. Really makes me burst into tears the moment I think about it.

Which also made me question how I arrived in Equestria with clothes on and a gun on my holster. Oh well, best not to dwell on things.

What was I saying? Bodyguard, right. I was a bodyguard.

Now I need to tell you how I came to be a bodyguard. This just writes itself!

Let’s see. It was a sunny day, moisture was a little high but I could deal with it.

I was in a town called Ponyville in Fluttershy’s garden, repairing some kind of weird birdhouse. Apparently Pinkie Pie decided to fire her cannon at it.

I had been at it for three hours, I was frustrated and sweaty.

Then I heard the saddest, most pitiful sound I think I’ve heard. Well, fifth saddest but certainly most pitiful. Not sure if that makes any sense, but I'll go with it.

It was Fluttershy walking down the road to her house, tears streaming down her face, choked sobs coming out every few seconds.

Naturally, being the concerned friend that I was, I led her into the house and gave her some tea, a blanket and a hug. She spent about ten minutes crying on my shoulder. You really have to see it to experience the heartbreak.

I asked her what was wrong and she said one word, even though it took her several tries; ‘Gilda’

Remember when I said I was frustrated? Well, this made that frustration skyrocket into full-blown anger. I hadn’t been angry since I had gotten to Equestria, which was about three years.

So I very calmly walked into town and started asking for a Gilda. I was told a party was being thrown in her honor. By Pinkie Pie.
I had hoped that one of Pinkie’s pranks would break her neck. No such luck.

The party went off without a hitch. Of course, there were buzzers, hot sauce and glasses with holes in them but besides that without a hitch.I had some satisfaction in laughing at Gilda’s misfortune.

Then came the ‘Queen Lame-o’ speech directed at Pinkie Pie.

Then some words were exchanged and a fight started between Rainbow Dash and Gilda.

For some ungodly reason, I thought it was a fake, friendly brawl but then I saw Gilda’s claws come out and scratch Dash on the cheek.

Dash backed off and Gilda, in her blind rage, started attacking the nearest target, which was me.

We managed to break several chairs and several bones in the process of rolling around.

I grabbed her neck and squeezed. Hard.

Let me just say that griffons have necks very much like chickens.

So I was restrained by Twilight’s magic.

She made Spike message Celestia via instant fire messaging.

Celestia came with a group of guards about ten minutes later, during which Dash was trying to break through the magical bubble that surrounded me, no doubt to kill me as I did her friend.

Celestia and the guards interviewed all of the witnesses and then me. It was ruled self-defense and I was to remain a free citizen of Equestria.

Turns out, Ponyville didn’t appreciate me killing someone in their town, so they basically exiled me. I was given a day to leave or they would force me out.

So I did. Leave, that is. I left and went to Manehattan. Another name that makes me want to kill something.

I had a fairly sizable pool of money when I first got to Manehattan. It didn’t last long, between the rent and the bar tabs, my funds were running out fast.

Now, there are many unsavory characters in Manehattan. And they all want protection. Being a criminal is dangerous, as you can probably imagine.

First time I was approached was in a bar, my usual spot.

What have I got to lose, apart from the weight. Ha ha, very funny. Yes, that is a fake laugh, you jerk.

Turns out that jerk was one of the most dangerous crime bosses in the city.

I had a good run, a good paycheck. That all went downhill when a rival family burst into my client’s house and killed him and his entire family. I managed to get away with a bullet in the shoulder and a knife in my leg.

After that, Manehattan became a warzone, all the small-timers trying to take power and become the next big thing.
So I got out of there. Bought a ticket for Canterlot.

And like before, I had a sizable pool of money which I spent of slightly shinier bottles of whiskey and slightly more expensive rent.

In time I would realize that Canterlot is Manehattan without graffiti. The whores and criminals are still there, they’re just wearing expensive clothes.

Sadly, I couldn’t find a job and the Guard wouldn’t accept me for reasons unknown.

I went to a club, the name of which escapes me, and found my first job opportunity.

“Hiring bouncers of all shapes and sizes!”
Cute.

The club was owned by Vinyl Scratch, who was also the DJ. Apparently she thought I was as scary as a fuckin’ manticore so she accepted my application.

I spent several months as a bouncer and then I was contacted by a fashion agency. Vinyl had friends in high places, it seemed.

I was to protect Fleur De Lis while she was in a photo-shoot and if that worked out, I might’ve gotten the job full-time.
Sadly, it didn’t work out.

Several masked, crossbow-toting ponies busted in and took Fleur.

I got to her before she was taken but many others were taken or killed.

All I got was a kiss and a wink. Also a rejection letter. Apparently, Fleur De Lis cannot be seen with someone as uncouth as me. Seems that saving people is uncouth these days. Ponies. Whatever.

And now I find myself homeless, spending my last bits on this bottle of bourbon, writing in this journal.

I feel a small hand grab my shoulder.

“Heeey handsome!” a female voice shouts in my ear.

I look back. Mare, young, blue coat, brown mane and tail, breath reeks of alcohol.

“Need something?” I ask, raising my eyebrow.

She turns me around fully and sits on my lap. Nice. Probably can’t tell I’m not a pony.

“I need you” she starts, putting a finger on my nose “to come with me.” she points at a door next to the bar, no doubt leading to some back room “there.” She finishes with a seductive smile and predatory eyes.

“Sorry, I’m on a budget, I can’t afford you.” I say, getting up, forcing her off me.

She stumbles back. “Wh-what? I’m not a hooker!“ she sputters in disbelief.

“Well, then I really can’t afford you.” I mutter.

“Seriously, I work at a store.” She says, no doubt starting to get frustrated.

I nod to myself “What I mean is, the cheapest women tend to be the most expensive.”

She glares at me for a few seconds and leaves. That went well.

I sit back down on the barstool and ,just as I was about to grab my drink, I feel a tap on my shoulder.

“I’m not going to-“ I cut myself off as I see who’s behind me.

Five stallions. Various coat and mane colors.

What looks to be the leader steps forward along with the blue coated mare from before.

“He called me a whore.” She says, crossing her arms and glaring at me once more.

Leader-guy raises his eyebrows “Is that so?” he says, looking towards me.

“Well no, she inferred hooker, I meant slut.” I say, taking a sip of bourbon.

“Hey, that’s our cousin.” Generic Stallion Number 3 says.

I look at him “She a good lay?”

Leader Guy seems to get a little irritated. “Outside, now.” Okay, very irritated.

“You really don’t want to do that.” I say, turning back to the bar.

“And why is that?” Leader guys half-shouts, turning me right back around. I’m going to vomit if they keep this up.

“Because if we go outside, I’m just going to shoot you in the head.” I rub my eyebrows.

He looks at my jacket for a moment. “You’re bluffing.” he says, tough guy attitude abandoned.

I look him in the eye. “Are you willing to bet your life on that?”
Silence.

“I thought so.” I mutter as I turn to the bar and continue drinking.

Several moments pass and Leader Guy says something to his friends and they leave. And here I really wanted to shoot someone.

I look down at my drink. Suddenly, I don’t feel like throwing up in an alley.

I drop some bits on the counter, get up and see that none of the usual patrons are there. Looking outside, I see a giant crowd of people in the square.

I turn to the bartender.

“What’s going on outside?” I ask him, gesturing to the windows.

He snorts. “Princesses are coming down to visit us low-born.” He then says some some very colorful insults towards the princesses under his breath.

I look back to the ever-expanding crowd.

“How the hell am I supposed to get outside?” I mutter, but the bartender apparently hears me.

“There’s a back exit over there.” He gestures to the same door the not-hooker wanted me to go with her.

I walk to the exit, wondering whether the stallions that harassed me before are going to ambush me.

No, that would never happen.