The Chapter in which our story begins, plays out, and ends... don't go expecting more.
Celestia lays an egg
Chapter 42, Verse 5, Part 2, §8 annotated version - with friendly cooperation of the library of Milwaukee
Her royal highness Princess Celestia, sat royally on her royal throne in the royal hall of royalness. Okay, she had made the last one up, but otherwise it was absolutely true. It had taken her the better part of thousand years, but Celestia had learned to exude regalness like other ponies would sweat.
Regalness tasted somewhat salty.
Today was going to be a day like many had passed before. She had stood up at dawn (which was somewhat easier when dawn was defined by the time you got up), brushed her teeth, showered, brushed her mane, and had a lovely cup of tea, and a slice of toast with orange marmalade.
The royal secretary (who had a thing for the chamberlain) had read her the duties that awaited today, while the chamberlain (who had a thing for the herald) had laid out her regalia and other assorted nicknacks she was required to wear. Shortly after, the royal herald (who had a thing for the secretary) had announced her arrival at the throne room, where she would now spend the next few hours, hearing what pleas her little ponies had, and trying her best to be a just and wise ruler to all.
With some concern she noticed her stomach cramping a little. She made a mental note to let the royal cook check the royal pantry, to see if the royal marmalade had gone bad.
“Introducing, the proprietor of ‘Dinks and Doo’s emporium of almost magical doodads’, Doodad Dinks.” The herald blared, after a fanfare announced the first petitioner.
A rather unassuming stallion in his mid fifties, wearing what would have passed for sunday clothes some thirty years ago, walked through the large double doors. He looked a bit out of place, and his eyes flitted about the place, as if he was just waiting for somebody to jump out from the assembled functionaries, and nobles, and scream “Surprise!” at him.
“Come closer, my little pony,” Celestia said with the motherly timbre she had perfected over the years.
This didn’t however stop him from looking like a deer in the headlights (a tactic which had proven very successful, in ending the pony/deer wars with the only casualty being the pride of the forest dwellers).
“Mister Doodad is here to offer a business proposal to the royal crown,” the Herald prompted. He had worked a good ten years as royal herald, and by now he had seen enough awestruck ponies to know when a bit of help was appreciated.
Finally, the stallion found his voice, and what was left of his courage, and managed to mumble, “I just wanted to make a Princess Luna plush toy…”
Celestia smiled warmly. Doodad wasn’t the first pony to suddenly become aware that using the likeness of the princesses required a royal decree, a law that, while bothersome, was direly needed after the sudden flood of ‘authentic princess Celestia erotica’ back in the folly filly era.
“I’m sure that my sister will be delighted. The royal secretaries will work out the details after they have confided with her. Hopefully you will be able to begin production before the next DEAR GODS THE PAIN!”
The assembled nobles started somewhat disturbed at the sudden outburst, while the guards had immediately sprung into thread mode, building a defensive wall between Celestia and the assembled ponies.
Celestia was clutching her barrel, waiting for the sudden cramp to subside. After she was done with the court, she would have a very stern talk with her chef.
“It’s alright, my little ponies,” she said to the assembled ponies, who were looking on with mixed expressions of worry and terror. Doodad looked like he was about to have a heart attack.
“Just a little craBYTIREK’STAINTEDNIPPLES!” Celestia tried to say before falling flat on her sides, her eyes bulging, and her breath turning into laboured huffs. To describe what she was feeling as pain would be akin to describing the canterlot gala as a party, or to saying that dragons breath smelled a bit bad.
Some of the guards were beginning to look behind them, starting to question whether a defensive wall was really the best option at the moment.
“Shouldn’t we do something?” one of the more level headed nobles finally asked, an act for which Celestia was ready to give him a medal, or a small dukedom.
“You’re right,” another one chimed in, striking a heroic pose, “We should PANIC!”
In a matter of seconds the high society of canterlot had formed a veritable stampede, doing one or two laps around the throne room, before ending in a freestyle chaos and confusion, that would have earned them a 9,5 from the spirit of all such things.
Celestia’s hoof would have slammed into her face, hadn’t it been busy clutching her stomach, as if to rip out her organs. Considering the pain she was currently feeling, Celestia was considering this as an option.
The guards still stood around unhelpfully. Royal Guard training consisted mainly of two things:
1. Learning how to remain stonefaced in even the most dire situations.
2. A crash course on how to hinder an enemy long enough for the princess’ to do something about it.
None of those seemed very appropriate at the moment, and so they defaulted to looking uneasy and staring at each other.
“DO SOMETHING YOU FOALS!” Celestia screamed, while trying to find a position that would ease her agony somewhat.
Another round of uneasy stares, followed by panicked frenzy, as the joined the nobles in their merrymaking.
Celestia had enough.
“YOU!” She pointed at the still frozen Doodad, “You are now in the Royal Guard, now get over here and HELP ME!”
“But Ma’am, he hasn’t taken the oath,” her guard captain objected.
“I DON’T CARE!” Celestia hollered, her insides feeling like the legions of tartarus were currently treading through them.
“I have to insist. You can’t just become a royal guard like that willy nilly; there’s procedure to follow.”
Celestia stared at her guard commander disbelievingly, but the stone faced facade that was his face didn’t seem like it would budge anytime during the next century.
“FINE, THEN LET HIM SPEAK THE BLOODY OATH BUT HURRY!”
She groaned as she rolled to her other side, hoping that at least this would bring dull the pain some.
“Err right, speak after me would you,” the guards commander addressed the still frozen solid Doodad.
“I hereby swear,”
Doodad looked at him with wide eyes,
“Come on man, it’s not that hard. I hereby swear,”
“Err, I hereby swear,”
The commander looked at him disapprovingly.
“Did I say ‘Err’? A royal guard doesn’t ‘err’, SPEAK LOUD AND CLEARLY, AND WITH PROUD BEFITTING OF A ROYAL GUARD!”
His powerful baritone was only slightly undercut by the fact, that he had to dodge a thrown chandelier, one of the panicked nobles had catapulted across the room. It still had the intended effect on Doodad though, who was now standing alert and upright.
“I hereby swear,”
“I hereby swear,”
“to uphold the honor of Equestria, and her royal highness Celestia and Luna,”
“to uphold the honor of Equestria, and her royal highness Celestia and Luna,”
“and to defend all ponies, be they pegasi, unicorn, or earthpony,”
“and to defend all ponies, be they pegasi, unicorn, or earthpony,”
“I SWEAR BY DISCORD’S STILL PETRIFIED DICK, IF YOU DON’T HURRY UP I WILL HAVE YOU HUNG BY YOUR GIBLETS FROM THE HIGHEST TOWER IN CANTERLOT! AAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!”
The guard commander shook his head annoyedly at the interruption by his monarch.
“Now we have to start all over again…”
It was around this time that he was blasted through the nearest wall by a powerful beam of magic. All attendees later swore that it must have come from outside, and that Celestia’s horn was only smoking out of coincidence.
“Congratulations, you’re now the guard commander, you can inure yourself later, now HELP ME!” Celestia hissed through gritted teeth at the newly appointed commander Doodad.
Panickedly, Doodad looked around. His first instinct was to call for a doctor, but if there was one among the assembled ponies, he was running around in panic. He would have gone and called someone from outside, but he was pretty sure that him running towards the door would look very much like running away to the agonized and trigger happy monarch that lay besides her throne.
With no options left he fell back on the only piece of medicine he remembered.
He took Celestia’s hoof in his own and as calmly as possible said, “Take deep breaths.”
Doodad wasn’t quite sure if Celestia was listening to him or if it was just the pain that forced to take deep huffs.
“Everything’s going to be all right,” Doodad continued in what he hoped to be a reassuring tone (hint: it wasn’t).
Celestia let out an wail of pure agony, as Doodad tried to get her in a comfortable position.
“On three I need you to push as strongly as you can.”
“One,”
“Two,”
“Three,”
Celestia wasn’t sure to cry or laugh, as the realization struck her, that all her little ponies were absolute idiots. Since another cramp surged through her, she settled for screaming.
“I can see the tip, just a little more!” Doodad, shouted excitedly from a place that Celestia was really sure she didn’t want him to stuck his nose into.
After another few seconds her eyes sprung open wide, “The tip of what?”
If there was an answer, it got lost in yet another scream, and then she suddenly felt relief.
“Congratulations it’s an… an…. err… an egg.”
Doodad stared at the passed out monarch of equestria. He really hoped that the expression on her face was the warm glow of motherhood, and not a psychotic smile.
The commander of the guard was eventually found, word is, that he’s almost able to walk again.
Doodad turned out to be one of the best guards commanders there ever was, but he never forgot about his dream to make a luna plushie.
The Herald, the secretary, and the chamberlain after many trials and tribulations finally formed a polyamorous group, and moved to hayiti, their story was later novelized and turned into a tv series.
Celestia never ate Orange marmalade again.
Twilight was the father…
Author's Note
I blame Nyerguds... and society!
