Mirror Disconnect

by Shingo

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike
Length: 3515

Self discovery is tiring. Especially when the world tells you to stay ignorant.

"And sometimes, when I'm alone, I like to do this: looking good, Spike! Looking real good!"

Spike has done that a countless number of times by themselves. And every time the mantra fails to brighten up their mood.

Published 2014-08-28 01:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-30 22:26:47 UTC

1

Twilight was beginning in the village of Ponyville. Many of the village’s inhabitants were finishing up their errands for the day while some were taking strolls with loved ones. Sunlight was slowly disappearing as the street lamps began to light themselves one by one. In the center of town, the lights of the library were nearly all extinguished. Inside the foyer was the newly crowned princess’ assistant with their back to a shelf and a comic in their hand. Beside them was a pile of comics that stood as high as they were. The baby dragon flipped a page as an oven dinged in the distance.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come, Spike?” Twilight asked. “Rarity’s going to be there.”

“As nice as that sounds, I think I’ve filled my quota for Pinkie parties this month,” Spike said. “Last week was her ‘Summer’s here’ party, a few days later it was her ‘Meteor shower’ party, and then it was her ‘Just because’ party the next day.”

“Those just because parties are the best ones though.” The oven door clicked and a light clang soon followed. “I know for a fact that you enjoyed that last one. How did you end up stuck on the ceiling anyways?”

Spike scowled. “I’ll take that secret to my grave. And it perfectly describes why I don’t want to go.” They lifted their nose and sniffed the air. The smell of yeast lingered in the foyer. Mixed in with it was a light oily scent with a bitter aftertaste. “Sesame oil, vegetables, and yeast…what are you making?”

“Baozi,” Twilight said, entering the foyer. Floating in front of her was a metal tray full of white spherical buns. The top of each bun had a spiral pleat and steam was rising from them. “I’m bringing them to Pinkie’s party tonight.”

“Her party’s a potluck?”

“Something like that, yes.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “What’s the reason for this party?”

“She called it her ‘Holy crap! Summer feels like spring’ party. And because the seasons are acting strange, she decided to do the same with this party. So each guest is responsible for bringing something rather than her providing everything.”

“I see.” Spike stared at the buns with saliva slowly building in their mouth.

“I left some for you and Owlowiscious.” A tapping came from the kitchen. “Speak of the devil.” Twilight turned her attention to the sound. A latch opened and a muffled ‘hoo’ moved through the foyer. Moments later an owl carrying a bun in his mouth and two in his talons entered the room. “Hello Owlowiscious.”

“Who?” Owlowiscious said through the bun. He flew over Spike, dropping a bun on their head.

“Thanks,” Spike said, grabbing the bun. They bit into it and looked to Twilight. “Have a good night.”

“You too, Spike.” Twilight opened the door. “Don’t stay up too late.”

“I could say the same to you, Princess comes back five minutes before dawn.”

“Touché,” Twilight giggled. She left the library with Owlowiscious behind her to close the door. He looked back at Spike.

“Who?” he said, holding the bun out.

“You can have that.” Spike closed the comic in their hands. They placed it down and reached for the top of the comic pile. As they opened the cover a tiny feeling of dread appeared in the back of Spike’s mind. Spike shook their head and focused on the comic.

“I lost it in a bet to…A WITCH!”

“AHH! What did you bet on?! Was she gonna take your babies or eat your guts and stuff? Or was she gonna eat your babies’ guts and stuff?”

“She hoof-wrestled you for it, didn’t she?”

“How did you”… keep going on like this knowing you’re wrong?

Spike clenched their teeth. How can you smile knowing that you’ll never be you?

“Stop it,” Spike whispered. “I’m in control.” They slapped their cheeks before turning the page.

“Back off from my axe!”

“But—“

“But what, Ricky baby?”

“It was a gift.”

…

“Do you know where this guitar came from?”

“Well… I know” that no one will EVER accept you.

Spike’s eyes began to water. That disguise you’re wearing right now? You know, the one that doesn’t fit you? Well, you think that hurts, just imagine what it’ll feel like when you finally drop your guard. Sure, there’ll be relief, but something like this will follow. An icy shock flowed through Spike’s veins. They dropped the comic, wrapping their arms around themselves. Owlowiscious hopped in surprise. He looked up at Spike and saw the dragon shivering. A few drops of water stained the floor in front of them. Owlowiscious flew over to Spike.

“Who?!” The hoot was ignored by Spike. Tears were freely falling from Spike’s eyes as the shivering got worse. “Who!”

This is all that waits for you, you know that. No matter what you do, this is all that’s going to happen. You better ge… “WHO!”

Spike’s eyes shot open. Their shivering weakened as they looked at the owl. His eyes showed a mixture of concern and confusion.

“Owlowiscious,” Spike said. They looked down at the comic finding tear stains in a few of the frames. “Well, this comic is ruined. Hopefully Twilight doesn’t get mad.”

“Who?”

Spike touched their cheek. “What, this?” they asked. “It’s nothing. I... got to a really emotional part of the story.”

“Who?”

“I mean it! Th-there’s nothing wrong, honest!” Spike stood up. They quickly shuffled towards the stairs arms still wrapped around themselves. “Now, I gotta go to bed, good night Owlowiscious.”

“Who!”

“N-no,” Spike stuttered. Their eyes began to water again. “It’s really nothing. I’m just a little cold. She doesn’t need to hear about this. Good night.” Spike increased their pace. Frantic hooting could be heard from behind. They reached the master bedroom and silently closed the door behind them. Spike leaned against the door, the tears having started falling again. “I-I have to stop this. I can’t keep doing this.” Spike looked towards the balcony window. They could see a faint reflection of themselves. They approached it, arms still tightly holding their positions. Spike stopped and dropped their arms. They wiped away their tears before putting on a large fake smile. Spike puffed out their chest and flexed their arms.

“Looking good, Spike!” Spike cheered. “Looking real good!” Keep dreaming. It’s clearly working for you.

“Looking good, Spike!” they cheered again. “Looking real good!” For the third time for the night, Spike’s eyes began to water.

“L-l-looking good, Sp-Spike!” Spike said, voice wavering. “L-l-looking real good!” Spike repeated the mantra and kept flexing their arms. Every time Spike repeated themselves a kernel of misery slowly grew in size.

By the time Spike dropped their arms their voice was raw and a small puddle of tears was at their feet. They gasped for breath as they wiped their eyes. The misery had grown and left Spike cold and numb.

“At least I’m not crying anymore,” Spike croaked out. They looked up and saw the moon was nearly half way finished their ascent. Spike dragged their feet towards their basket. “Maybe I’ll feel better after a good night’s rest.” Spike lied down wrapping the blanket around themselves. They closed their eyes as their breathing slowed down.

That night, Spike dreamt of darkness.

2

Darkness was a common starting place for Princess Luna whenever she entered dreamland. From the darkness, she’d be able to find a particular dreamer and help them with their fears or anxiety. Tonight was no different.

Luna walked at a casual pace through the empty void. Her hooves echoed against an unseen stone floor. She looked around only to find nothing but darkness. She bit the inside of her cheek.

“Hello?” she called. “I’m Princess Luna, protector of dreams, is there anyone there?” Her voice echoed in the void. She sighed and continued her trek. Perhaps there isn’t anyone who’s troubled tonight. Perhaps there’s psychic residue left over from another’s nightmare. Luna squinted her eyes. A great distance away from her was a bright purple dot with hints of green at its top. The dot seemed to be standing in front of a reflective surface. As Luna got closer and closer, more details became clear. The reflective surface was a tall rectangular mirror and in front of it was a purple baby dragon that Luna was very familiar with. Luna stopped a few feet away from the dragon as they grabbed the mirror’s edge. What’s haunting you this night, Spike?

Spike spun the mirror. The darkness around them quickly disappeared and was replaced by a simple bedroom. The walls were oak with shelves of books lined up against it. A queen sized bed with a starry pattern sat against a wall and in front of it was a small basket with a blanket inside. The mirror stopped spinning and both Spike and Luna looked at it. Instead of Spike’s ordinary reflection in it, there was a taller older version of the little dragon. The reflection stood twice as tall as them and muscles bulged from under his scales. The fins along his head and spine were sharpened. The reflection was smirking and flexing.

“Looking good, Spike!” the reflection cheered. “Looking real good!” It kissed a bicep before winking at Spike. Luna giggled at the sight. Spike however, stared at the reflection with disgust in their eyes and a closed fist. They clenched their teeth.

“No,” they said raising a fist. “No I’m not.” Spike punched through the mirror. It shattered and the scenery followed suit. Luna hopped around pieces of the falling scenery. The last shard of the mirror touched the ground. Spike sighed. “It’s all wrong.” New fragments of mirror formed in the empty frame as the scenery rebuilt itself.

Instead of being in the simplistic bedroom, Spike and Luna stood in a perfectly round room with lavender paint on the walls. A four poster bed sat by the door with a red floral pattern blanket covering it. Around the mirror were a number of mannequins and a work desk with a sewing machine on top of it. Once the mirror repaired itself, another taller version of Spike was in the mirror. Rather than being muscular, the reflection had an hour glass figure wearing a black dress. The dress was styled like a cocktail dress but with a single loose sleeve over the reflection’s right arm. Over its left bicep was a silver armlet shaped like a spring. At the ends of the spring were arrows pointing in opposite directions. The reflection was wearing false curled eye lashes and gold eyeliner had been applied around the eyes. Lipstick matching the eyeliner was on the reflection’s lips which were curled up into a smile. The fins were rounded and parted slightly to the left. The claws had gold hoof polish painted at the end of them. While the reflection marveled at itself, a white unicorn with a curled purple mane appeared behind it.

“You look beautiful, Spike,” the unicorn said.

“I couldn’t have done it without your help,” the reflection said in a melodic female voice. “Thank you, Rarity.”

“Don’t thank me just yet.” The reflection of Rarity lit up her horn. A fire shaped emerald on a golden chain was brought in front of the reflection. It gasped as Rarity put it around its neck. “What do you think?”

“I love it!” The reflection scooped Rarity up in a hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s perfect! I couldn’t be happier!”

Spike trembled. “I wish I could say the same,” they said. “And it’s still wrong.” They kicked the mirror and again it shattered, the scenery following close behind. Spike and Luna were left back in the darkness with only the mirror’s frame and multiple fragments on the pseudo ground. In each fragment was a piece of the former reflections. Some of them held the hyper masculine Spike while the others had the hyper feminine Spike. Spike knelt down, picking up various pieces. They fit them into the frame one after another. Luna watched the baby dragon work in silence. She frowned as they got higher and higher up the frame. That must have haunted you for years. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can help you. Spike placed the last piece in the center of the mirror. They stepped back to admire their work. Though fractured, the new reflection had a perfect balance of both of the former reflections.

Spike smiled, and the reflection did the same. They reached out with a hand to touch the mirror that had been created. As soon as their fingers touched it, the mirror shattered once more. The frame had broken and fell with the mirror shards. As all of the pieces fell, they slowly crumbled into silver sand. Spike’s eyes widened.

“No,” they whispered. “No, no, no!” They grabbed onto the sand, much of it sinking through their fingers. Tears started forming in their eyes.

“It was right.” Spike fell to their knees, a pile of sand falling from both of their hands. “It was finally right.” Tears freely flowed down their cheeks.

Luna immediately rushed behind Spike. She wrapped her forelegs around them, their eyes widening in surprise.

“What?” They turned around. “P-princess Luna?”

“It’s okay, Spike,” she cooed. “It’s okay.” Spike, at a loss for words, closed their eyes and continued crying. “How long?”

“Too long.”

“Does anyone know?” Spike shook their head. Luna tightened her hug. “There’s nothing I can do or say. Unfortunately it’s all on your shoulders. But, if you need a friend, I’m always there for you. Okay?”

“Okay,” Spike mumbled. They opened their eyes. Instead of being in darkness they were lying in their basket with the covers over them. A gentle snore came from behind the basket as a large lump under the starry blanket moved. Their pillow felt wet and so did their cheeks. Spike wiped the last of their tears away and slowly climbed out of the covers.

3

Spike sat on top of a mess of covers in their basket. They stared at a nearby bookshelf without any real focus on anything. Their roommate’s snoring created a calm and consistent soundtrack for the room, one that Spike welcomed after the trip to dreamland. The little dragon crept out of the basket, careful not to wake anyone. Spike put a hand on their chin as they left the room.

If I ever need a friend, huh? Spike’s feet squeaked under the stairs. So, one pony knows now. And of all ponies, it’s Princess Luna. Another squeak came from Spike as they entered the foyer. The sound woke another of the library’s occupants who was standing on a nearby perch.

“Who?” Owlowiscious greeted as Spike passed by.

“Morning,” Spike idly said. They entered a hallway making their way to the kitchen. What was it she said to me? Right, it’s all on my shoulders and no one can help me. Spike pulled a pot out of a cupboard along with a bag of oats. They filled it with water before putting it on the stove. Spike turned it on. Well, maybe if more ponies knew, they’d be able to find a way to help. Owlowiscious flew into the kitchen and sat on a counter in front of Spike. He stared at the dragon as they were lost in thought.

“Who?” Owlowiscious said. Spike ignored the owl in favour of pondering. After all, everyone sees things differently, maybe they can see something I can’t, and that’ll help me. “Who?” Who…who do I talk to first though? Spike grabbed a wooden ladle by the stove. They poured the oats into the pot, gently stirring the mixture. I have to keep this quiet and controlled, so it can’t be anyone who has loose lips.

“Who!” the owl shrieked.

Spike dropped the ladle in surprise. “HOLY CRAP!” they yelled. Spike turned to the left. “You scared me, man. Don’t do that, especially when I’m cooking.”

“Who.”

Spike resumed mixing. “For how long now?” they asked. “That can’t be right.”

“Who?”

“Seriously? Sorry, I was distracted.”

“Who,” Owlowiscious deadpanned.

“Thanks, I really appreciate your sarcasm.” Spike rolled their eyes. They scooped out a small bit of oats and tasted it. Spike smacked their tongue. “This’ll do. Can you get some bowls?” Owlowiscious hooted as he flew across the kitchen. As he opened and rummaged through the cupboards as Spike turned off the stove and moved the pot. Owlowiscious returned to the counter with three birch bowls in his talons. He passed one to Spike and they filled the bowl with thick oatmeal. Spike placed it down and Owlowiscious passed another bowl. They repeated the routine another time before heading to the table, each with a bowl and spoon in hand.

“When did she get home last night?” Spike asked as they sat down.

“Who?”

“That late, huh?” Spike said through a mouthful of oatmeal. “I bet she’ll be super groggy by the time she gets down.”

“Who?”

“Fair enough.” The two continued their breakfast in relative silence, the sound of their utensils creating the underscore to their scene.

Near the end of the meal, Spike put their spoon down. “Hey Owlowiscious,” Spike said. Owlowiscious looked up. “When Twilight came home, did you say anything to her?”

“Who?”

“Well, that’s true. She would have been too tired to listen.” Spike squeezed their arm. “She won’t be later today though. So can you not tell her about what happened last night?”

“Who?”

“Because she has other things to worry about. She’s a princess now and that means she has a lot more responsibilities. She can’t be worrying about a personal problem I have when she has to worry about partially ruling the country.”

“Who?”

“What problem?” Spike asked. “I’m sorry, but it’s something I have to handle on my own. I don’t really think I can…” They trailed off, staring at the owl with a blank expression. Spike tilted their head and Owlowiscious mimicked them. They tilted in the other direction and again Owlowiscious followed. Spike’s eyes widened as they rest themselves. They smacked their forehead, groaning. What am I saying? “Never mind. Fine, you want to know what my problem is?” Owlowiscious nodded.

“I’ll tell you as long as you don’t tell Twilight.” Spike crossed their arms. Owlowiscious reached over with his wing to make a cross over his chest. “That’s not going to work with you. You can actually fly. I need something else to know that I can trust you.”

“Who.” Owlowiscious flew over to a drawer beside the stove. He opened it up, pulling a knife with a blade nearly as tall as him.

“What are you doing with that?” Spike asked as he returned.

“Who.” Owlowiscious picked up the knife with his left wing.

“How’re you doing…” Spike was interrupted as Owlowiscious turned the blade towards themselves. He gently placed it on his neck.

“Who?” Owlowiscious asked. Spike stared him completely slack jawed. “Who?”

“Okay, that works.” Spike took a deep breath, followed by another, and then two more. Owlowiscious hooted in annoyance. “Sorry, I’ve never actually said this out loud.

“The short end of it is that I’m having an identity crisis,” Spike said. “I’ve been having it for almost as long as I can remember. It doesn’t have to do with whether or not I consider myself a dragon, I already dealt with that with the migration. It has to do with something… deeper than the surface. But at the same time it has to do with the surface.”

“Who?”

“I know it doesn’t make sense,” they continued. “It hasn’t made sense at all. So I avoided it. I pushed it away thinking that it wasn’t important because it didn’t make sense. That hasn’t been working for me. You saw what happened last night, that tends to happen once in a while. It’s been getting worse though. So I decided to confront it.”

“Who?”

“That’s all I’m comfortable sharing, okay?” Spike sighed. “That’s all you really need to know anyways.”

“Who?”

“You can help by not telling Twilight. Can you do that?” they asked. Owlowiscious nodded. “Thanks Owlowiscious. You can drop the knife now.” The table echoed with a dull thud as Owlowiscious loosened his grip. Spike idly tapped the table. Well, that was easier than expected. And I feel…a bit lighter too. A smile crept up their face.

“Who?”

“Nothing, I was just thinking.” Spike looked out a window. Just outside they could see ponies just starting to run their errands. Behind them they could see the outline of one of their favourite places in Ponyville. Spike slid off their chair. “I’m going to go to Carousel Boutique today, I’ll see you later.”

“Who?”

“I cook, you clean. Yay or nay?” Spike asked as they headed towards a backdoor. Owlowiscious hooted, picking up the bowls. “Great, have a good day, and tell Twilight where I am.” Spike gently closed the door behind them. I hope I can find some help there.