Discord Gets a Job

Chapters

Prologue: The Request
Chapter 1: Assistant Veterinarian
Chapter 2: Teacher's Aide
Chapter 3: Foalsitter
Bonus Chapter: Rarity in Wonderland

Prologue: The Request

"Fluttershy, I said I was sorry!" Discord flashed out of existence and suddenly his head and neck appeared popping out of a flower along her path. "Please listen!" Fluttershy continued trotting down the path, attempting to pay the draconequus no mind. She was totally overreacting; all he had done was help an old ~~friend~~ ~~ally~~ acquaintance. Discord flashed again, this time inside the logo on the side of a passing cart.

"I never meant to hurt anypony! I was just having fun, honest!" He reappeared in front of her as a young multicolored hound, looking up at her with pleading puppy-dog eyes that no mortal being could possibly resist. Tears glistened at the corners of his eyes, and he stuck out his bottom lip like an adorable little foal.

"Well, you did," said Fluttershy softly, on the brink of tears. "You hurt me." The dam burst and she galloped away sobbing, leaving Discord hanging his head in shame. His terribly enjoyable pout was suddenly interrupted by a call from above.

"Hey, Discord!" yelled the mailmare from the sky. "Letter for ya!" Discord looked up to see a gray pegasus hovering unsteadily a few yards above his head. Her mane was messily wrapped around her head, making her look like a ragdoll. The chaos in Discord briefly wondered how she would look in a rainbow-colored afro, but it was overpowered for the moment by Discord's conscious thoughts.

A letter? For him? He had to see this as quickly as possible! He snapped the digits of his lion paw and the pegasus was now suddenly an earth pony. She plummeted to the ground, but Discord decided to give her a break and willed the ground beneath her to become spongy.

After curling up in fear, the mare bounced once, her distorted eyes glazed over with confusion, not realizing that she was saved purely by Discord's good will. At the peak of her arc, Discord calmly reached over with his eagle claw and plucked the letter out of her mouth. She then fell to the ground, now back to its original rigidity, and Discord decided to give her her wings back.

The envelope was dripping with slobber, but that was to be expected from being held in a pony's mouth. Discord carefully opened the envelope with his claw and read the following text:

Dear Discord,

You are hereby called to the personal audience of Princess Celestia of Equestria in the main hall of Canterlot Castle. You are required to arrive at precisely 3 o' clock on the afternoon of September the 1st of the 1004th year of Celestia's reign. Do NOT be late.

Sincerely,

Fire Quill, Personal Secretary of Her Majesty Princess Celestia

Discord? Late? Never!

***

"Where is he?" Twilight tapped her hoof impatiently on the castle floor.

"Patience, Twilight," replied Celestia. Equestria's main Princess was obviously trying and failing to maintain her composure as she thought about how attractive Discord was. She would never admit it, but Discord knew that she still had a thing for him. "I have confidence that he will arrive soon."

Of course, Discord would arrive whenever he wanted to, but he chose that specific moment for its wonderful comedic timing.

"Hel~lo, everypony!" Discord flashed into existence, then looked around and realized that only two ponies were there; the Princesses Celestia and Twilight Sparkle. Luna must have been in her chamber sleeping; possibly doing other things, but most likely sleeping. The lazy mare never got off her plot during the day, Discord knew.

"Hello, Discord," said Celestia, obviously unable to keep the slight undertone of attraction out of her voice. "How have you been?" Discord knew what she actually meant, but he decided to play along, to keep up the charade in front of Twilight. One would not want to make the most powerful mage in Equestria jealous.

"Oh, just great, Celestia," he said with deliberately over-the-top enthusiasm. "In fact, I rather think things are going quite..." With a flash he turned into a fish inside an aquarium. "...swimmingly," he finished, flourishing his fishy body. Twilight scowled at him and he turned back to his regular form.

"Now, now, Twilight," he said, holding up his mismatched forelimbs and shrugging, "please try to be patient with me. All that chaos and randomness will eventually work itself out of my system enough so that I can listen. It'll just take a minute or two."

"Like the way it exited your system when Tirek stabbed you in the back and stole it after you betrayed us?"

"Twilight!" The lavender alicorn flinched and shrunk under Celestia's voice. Discord, of course, felt nothing upon Twilight's remark. Nope, nothing. Absolutely no crushing feelings of guilt whatsoever.

"Discord," said Celestia, "I have ordered you here because I have a request."

"Oh, Celly, I'm afraid you can't marry me; what would Luna think?" Celestia continued, unfazed. Darn.

"You have taken your reform remarkably well; aside from the incident with Tirek," she added when Twilight gave her the stink eye. "However, you are still a drain on the country's resources, however small. You must repay the favor and give back to the community by earning a working wage."

"A job?" Discord could not believe his ears. He was going to have to work? Earn money doing manual labor?

"Yes," replied Celestia. "A job. For normal citizens, there is a long and tedious application process; however, as you are technically a charge of the crown, the process will be much more streamlined. Otherwise, you will still be held under the same requirements as other citizens.

"Twilight here will be your agent. She will be responsible for speaking to or, if need be, negotiating with, your prospective employers, keeping track of your work schedule, and helping you decide which job you would like to apply for.

"For now, you will be applying for jobs within Ponyville so that Twilight and her friends can better keep an eye on you. Twilight?" Celestia stepped aside, allowing Twilight to stand in front of Discord. She lit her horn and conjured a three-ring binder, which was the same brown as his main coat, containing a mind-boggling number of papers and folders.

"I have already decided on three possible jobs in Ponyville. These dividers are for your future paychecks and status reports, sorted by date, and these folders will be for your applications. These spreadsheets will be for your weekly work schedule, and on these pages, I will be graphing the number of hours you work every day to track your progress. Everything will be three-hole punched in order to fit in the binder. Any questions?"

"What does this symbol on the front mean?" asked the draconequus, pointing at the proper spot.

"That's a coffee stain that was left by Pinkie," Twilight said flatly. "By the time I noticed it, it was too late for me to go and buy another binder."

"Ah-ha-ha!" laughed Discord. "That is hilarious!" He fell onto his back and kicked his legs in the air.

"Ahem." Twilight cleared her throat impatiently. "If you're done, we should not waste any time." Discord nodded and teleported them back to Ponyville with a flick of his eyebrow.

"Oh, Twilight," he said, "you can be such a drag sometimes. So serious. Where's your sense of fun?"

"On a bookshelf in my library, which, if you hadn't noticed, was recently obliterated. Now if you don't mind, I'd like for us to start as soon as possible." Discord thought he heard her mumble "The sooner we start, the sooner it'll be over" under her breath, but surely he must have been hearing things.

"So," said Discord, cracking his knuckles and causing a bush in front of him to randomly sneeze, "what's first on the list?"

Author's Note

Rest assured that this chapter will be much shorter than the others. I just didn't have that much material to cover during the intro. Although I must say I am already having a hard time coming up with original comedy involving Discord's abilities.

Chapter 1: Assistant Veterinarian

"No! Not that! Anything but that!" Discord melodramatically held the back of his lion paw to his forehead and leaned until he was bent over backwards. Twilight was underneath him, pushing and prodding him and trying to get him to make progress toward the dark, dank hole of gloom and despair that was Fluttershy's cottage.

"Why are you being such a foal?" asked Twilight in frustration. "I thought you two were best buddies."

"Why, we were!" said Discord, smiling in an attempt to better get the point across. "We were bestest friends, closest comrades, birds of a feather, chummy chums, peas in a pod, bread and butter—"

"Okay, I get it!" Twilight gave another strong push, but this time it was too much and Discord fell backward on top of her. She poked her head out from under his left wing and huffed upward to get it out of her face.

"Uuh!" she groaned. "I've had enough of this!" She wriggled out from under his body and stood up, looking down at the poor draconequus with contempt. "You will get up and march yourself right up to that cottage, or I'll convince Celestia to turn you back to stone."

"But... whyyy?" Discord pleaded, sticking out his lip.

"You are supposed to be applying for a job, not whining like a lost puppy. And I thought a veterinary job at Fluttershy's was the best place to start. So get off your butt and walk."

"Ugh, fine. Party pooper." Discord flashed into a standing position and began walking toward the cottage. "Might as well get it over with."

Animals of all shapes and sizes ran, scampered, crawled, slithered, and flew in all conceivable directions within the tiny dwelling belonging to Fluttershy. Suddenly, a small rabbit inexplicably came out of the fray rocketing through the air toward the draconequus as he and Twilight entered. Discord simply split his head and neck down the middle, but Twilight was not so lucky, being directly behind him. Angel impacted her face with a smack, sending a carrot flying past her head into the yard.

"Angel! You come right back with that carrot!" Fluttershy appeared and galloped toward the door. Angel hopped off Twilight's head and bolted across the yard, grabbing the carrot mid-stride and scampering into the bushes. "You'll ruin your appetite!" yelled Fluttershy after him, but it was no use. The pegasus stopped in the door frame and suddenly seemed to notice the duo.

"Oh," she said. "Hi, Twilight." She refused to say hello to Discord. Eesh, for such a timid pony, she could hold a grudge. How long had it been? Two days, at least. Possibly three. They all should have gotten over it ages ago.

"Hello, Fluttershy," replied the princess. "Celestia has tasked me with supervising Discord while he attempts to gain a job. I decided that since you two were such good friends, then he would be less likely to get bored, and so this would be the perfect place for him to start."

"Oh, my." Fluttershy shifted on her hooves, clearly uncomfortable. About what, Discord could not say. "I-I don't know if that's such a good idea..."

"Please, Fluttershy? It couldn't hurt, could it? Just let him tend to some of the more self-sufficient animals; help him get used to the responsibility."

"Well... If it's important..."

"Oh, thank you so much, Fluttershy." Twilight hugged her friend tightly. "Tell you what," she said when she pulled away. "I'll take you to the spa or something sometime as remuneration."

"Oh, um, okay."

"I'll go get something to eat, and I'll be back in two hours. Don't let him get into too much trouble."

"Trouble?" he said. "Me? Why, when have I ever gotten into trouble?" A glowing yellow halo appeared above Discord's head and he was suddenly clothed in a quite flattering white robe. Twilight rolled her eyes.

"I'm just going to assume that was rhetorical." She spread her wings and gently flew away, leaving Discord to his own devices; while under Fluttershy's supervision, of course.

"So, Flutters," said Discord, clapping his forelimbs together, "what first?"

"Uh, well, first you can... uh... go and get some fish for Harry. He's been ever so hungry since he started getting ready for hibernation."

"And... what will you be doing?" Fluttershy walked uneasily past him out into the yard.

"I, uh... I need to go find Angel. I don't want him to ruin his dinner."

"Talk to you later?"

"Um, okay. Later." With that, Discord set about getting to work.

Fluttershy's cottage was chaos. Not the somewhat controlled and completely ridiculous chaos that Discord had engaged in after his escape from stone imprisonment, but the uncontrollable, unfixable, and more normal chaos of a house full of wild animals.

Discord was sitting tied up in a cauldron with several animals marching around him carrying sticks like picket signs. In fact, now that he thought about it, the situation seemed oddly familiar, but he could not seem to place it.

The main reason he had not yet escaped was that he was too busy trying to fix things elsewhere. Every time he thought he had fixed a problem in one place, a completely unrelated problem poked up somewhere else.

As soon as he finished putting the pieces of the shattered tortoise back together, the beavers started burping flurries of snow. And when the snake finally got his alarm clock turned back into a head, the oven opened and suddenly sprouted hundreds of purple tentacles. Okay, so maybe it wasn't the normal type of chaos. But it was still hard for Discord to fix. Naturally, it was at that moment that Fluttershy walked in.

"Wha...?" She must have been at a loss for words. Good thing, too, as her mouth decided to jump off her face of its own accord and blew a raspberry at her. "Dmm-hmm!" she mumbled through her sudden lack of a mouth.

"Sorry, Fluttershy!" he snapped his eagle claw and her mouth was back to its rightful place. "I didn't mean to do that, I swear! Everything's just happening on its own!"

"You better not be lying to me," said Fluttershy skeptically. Discord put up his paw and claw innocently.

"I'm not! Honest! Every time I fix one thing, something else goes wrong. Oh, pooh. Hold on." He waved his arms as if sculpting something, trying to put a rabbit's suddenly Ponyasso-like facial features back in order. It only made matters worse.

The rabbit's face ended up ticking like a clock, with the two ears and a bundle of whiskers acting as the hour, minute, and second hooves respectively, and his protruding tongue acting as the pendulum. His eyes moved back and forth like a metronome, causing him to stumble in disorientation as he tried to walk away. Discord chuckled inwardly, but opted not to voice his amusement.

And of course, then Twilight walked in to pick up Discord, as it was 1:00 and two hours had passed. Obviously, since Twilight was there. Honestly, what other conclusion could you have come to?

"What IS this?!" she cried.

"I can't help it!" said Discord in frustration. "It just keeps happening and I can't fix it!" As if in response to his sentence, several large holes opened up in the floor, each one forming a large soap bubble as if being blown into from below. Several of the bubbles picked up animal passengers on their way toward the ceiling, carrying them higher and higher. Discord sighed and telescopically extended his eagle claw to pop one of the bubbles, causing all the others to pop in turn. It then retracted to its normal length.

"I think I know what's wrong," said Fluttershy. The attention of both the other occupants of the cottage turned to her, and did not deviate despite the fireworks display suddenly occurring in the kitchen sink.

"I think he's bored," she explained. "And he must be doing this without meaning to because he needs to do something."

"Fluttershy," said Twilight, "that's brilliant! It makes sense now! Discord's body must be overflowing with chaos magic wanting to escape, and the fact that he's bored out of his mind working a job could only be aggravating the problem! We need to get him to do something engaging, something to occupy his brain..."

"How about a game?" said Fluttershy. Twilight snapped to attention.

"That's perfect!" She paused and her expression became confused. "What kind of game?" Fluttershy thought for a moment.

"What about Candy Land?"

"Ooh, goody!" said Discord, clapping his mismatched hands together. "I love that game!"

Twilight quickly got out and set up the gameboard on the table, laying out and shuffling the cards. Discord flashed away his bindings and pulled up a chair, with Fluttershy doing the same. They each took a piece to play; Fluttershy took the yellow pony and Discord the blue, and they set them on the first square of the board. Discord turned his piece into a blue draconequus, much to the exasperation of Twilight.

Discord drew the first card and immediately started giggling excitedly.

"Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! I got orange!" Discord set his piece on the first orange square, then slid it over the connected path. "I get to use the Rainbow Trail! Your turn!" Fluttershy drew a card of her own. It was a red card, giving her a move of a measly single square.

"Aww," said Discord. "Well, that's not fun."

"No," said Fluttershy simply.

"Oh, Fluttershy, are you still mad at me about the business with Tirek?"

"I was never mad at you. I'm just disappointed."

"Oh, come now, Fluttershy. Surely I can cheer you up." When Fluttershy drew her next card, she discovered that it was a triple red. She looked at Discord and raised an eyebrow, and he quickly caved. "Oh, fine, I'll leave the cards alone." The triple red card then morphed into a single green and she moved accordingly. Discord thought he heard Twilight saying something about the chaos winding down, but he was too occupied with Fluttershy to pay attention.

"Would you at least try to cheer up?" said Discord.

"I don't know how I can cheer up after you betrayed me like that." Discord's ears became limp and drooped, and a few seconds later his horns followed suit. Even his small beard seemed to lose some of its poofiness.

"You think I betrayed you?" he asked sadly. Candyland was now all but forgotten in favor of more serious issues.

"You did betray me," replied Fluttershy with a small sniffle. "I taught you the concept of friendship, and offered to be your friend even before you understood it. Then when Tirek came back you decided to leave me behind." Tears were in her eyes now. "I just don't see why you would do something like that."

"Are you going to finish your game?" Twilight asked in slight annoyance. She may as well have been a ghost.

"I... I guess I thought that Tirek was my friend. He helped me, and he welcomed my help in return, and I thought that was what friendship was. But then he took my magic, and I realized that he wasn't really my friend; I was just another tool. If helping someone and getting help back wasn't friendship, I didn't know what was."

"Please finish your game," said Twilight.

"But I do now," he continued. "I learned that friendship means staying with someone even through tough times, no matter what. Tirek left me as soon as I was no longer useful, because he wasn't my friend. But I'll never leave you, Fluttershy, and I hope you won't leave me, either, because we are friends. Right?"

Fluttershy sniffled, smiled, and nodded, then quickly grabbed Discord in a firm hug. She rested her head on his shoulder and cried a bit, but not too much, because she had her friend back. Twilight poked her head in and interrupted the two.

"I would really appreciate it if you finished your game," she said urgently.

"You wouldn't have another breakdown if we didn't, right?" asked Fluttershy.

"No! Well... maybe." And so the draconequus and pegasus resumed their game of Candyland.

"I think we need a change of protocol," said Twilight as they left Fluttershy's cottage.

"And what would that be?" Discord replied.

"From now on, to avoid more incidents of catastrophic boredom, you will be able to pick which jobs you apply for."

"Oh, goody!"

"But," Twilight said quickly, "all jobs must be first approved by me for application. No law enforcement jobs for you."

"Party pooper."

Author's Note

Sorry this chapter took so long. Geez, two chapters and I'm already falling behind. I just had to get the touchy-feely stuff with Fluttershy out of the way, which took a while to write anyway, and also a bout of depression does not exactly do wonders for motivation. But if you don't like the sentimental bits, stay with me because I plan for the next few chapters to be much more upbeat.

Next chapter: Discord helps Cheerilee teach. Lord help us all.

Chapter 2: Teacher's Aide

Discord was sitting next to Twilight at Ms. Cheerilee's desk, with Cheerilee across from them. He felt like he was in a student-teacher conference, which he had not attended in at least 1337i years. He thought. He never was very good at math.

"So, how about it, Cheerilee?" said Discord. "I'm sure it would liven things up a bit."

"I don't know," said the teacher. "You did temporarily place Equestria under a system of tyrannical anarchy; which, now that I think about it, should not even be conceptually possible."

"Oh, never mind that," said Discord. "Water under the bridge. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you." The bewilderment on Cheerilee's face was absolutely priceless!

"But... I didn't—"

"Just don't, Cheerilee," Twilight interrupted. "Your sanity will thank you." The purplish mare stared at the draconequus, who simply waved happily, quietly deducing what he could get away with pranking her with.

"Okay, then," she finally said. "If Princess Twilight supports it, then I see no reason to say no." She held out her hoof.

"Excellent!" said Discord. He stood up and shook the teacher's hoof vigorously. "I can't wait! When do I start?"

"Uh, you'll be the visiting guest tomorrow," she said.

"Wonderful!" He let go of Cheerilee and moved toward the door.

"I'm sure you'll have fun tomorrow," said Twilight.

"Oh, I'm counting on it!" Discord said as he shut the door.

***

Ms. Cheerilee walked back into the classroom after the lunch break and moved to her desk. She had just called the foals back in from recess and was looking forward to the day's lesson.

"Alright, class," she said loudly over the noise of the students. "Quiet down please, and get in your seats." Slowly, all nine of the students present eventually found their seats and placed their conversations on hold.

"Now," said Cheerilee, "we have a very special guest today, and I'd like all of you to thank him for taking the time to come speak with us. I'm sure some of you will remember him from the field trip to the Canterlot Gardens last year. Please welcome... Discord." A couple of the students lightly stomped their hooves on the desks in applause. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon scoffed, and the CMC simply dreaded what kind of Tartarus he would bring.

The draconequus walked into the classroom and was immediately out of place. He wore a blue-green hospital smock with a pattern of white dots, a shower cap of the same color with holes for his horns, and he dragged behind him a rolling stand with a clear pouch of liquid hanging from a hook.

"Hel~lo, everypony!" he said with a smile. He walked over to stand next to Cheerilee's desk, dragging the stand with him.

"As you all know," said Cheerilee, "we have recently been working on our biology unit. Our first activity today will be to examine the brain of a draconequus."

"Eeewww!" said the class in perfect unison.

"Naturally, being the only known draconequus in Equestria, Discord has nobly volunteered for this procedure. In exchange, he will be your main teacher for most of the rest of the day."

"You actually expect me to touch an icky brain?" said Diamond Tiara. "I'm going to tell my dad if you make me go anywhere near that thing."

"Yeah!" echoed Silver Spoon.

"Now Diamond," said Ms. Cheerilee, "there is no need to bring your father's status into this. And I am sure he would agree with you learning biology. Knowledge is far more valuable than money." The filly grumbled at that, but Cheerilee gave no indication of hearing her. Another filly's hoof rose slowly. "Yes, Apple Bloom?"

"Miss Cheerilee, if we cut out his brain, won't he die?"

"Oh, goodness, no," Discord interrupted. "I promise you it won't even leave a scratch."

"We will not be removing his brain, Apple Bloom," said Cheerilee patiently. "We will only be examining it and identifying the parts of the brain. We are performing a vivisection, which means that the patient will be alive and, as in the case of brain surgery, fully conscious."

"Gross!" said Scootaloo. "I don't want him talking to us while we look at his brain! That'd be weird!"

"Admittedly so," said Cheerilee, "but we've used up enough time already. We should begin. Everypony grab a mask from the boxes on the shelf." She pointed to the bookshelf at the far side of the classroom and all the fillies and colts got up and did as they were told, donning paper masks to cover their faces. Eventually, they all gathered around Discord in a small crowd, except for Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

"I am not wearing this hideous getup," she said defiantly.

"Me neither!" Silver Spoon echoed again.

"If you don't do this procedure and wear the proper equipment," said Cheerilee, "then I'm afraid the both of you will be earning an F for the day, and I don't think any of us will want to explain that to your parents." The two fillies grumbled in annoyance but donned their masks.

"Now," said the teacher, "first, we will apply the local anesthetic."

"No need for that, Cheerilee," said Discord. He got a firm hold on his scalp, pulled, and the top of his skull popped open on a hinge, squeaking slightly. "Ooh, I think that needs to be oiled," he said.

There was a collective gasp from the class as they laid eyes on the pulsating organ inside his skull. The room was filled with a long silence. Sweetie Belle was the first to speak.

"Oh my gosh, it's plaid!" she said in her squeaky voice.

"Really?" asked Discord. "For some reason, I always thought it had pink polka dots." He shrugged. A small spark along the top of his brain accompanied the motion.

"Excellent!" said Cheerilee. "That spark you just saw was in the part of the brain known as the primary motor cortex, which controls movement." She grabbed a metal needle and waved it around the whole of the brain. "This entire wrinkly area is called the cerebrum, and processes and controls most of what makes up conscious experience, like senses, language, and thought." She poked the spot just behind the part that had sparked. "This is the primary somatosensory cortex," she explained, "which processes the sense of touch."

"Who is touching my leg?" said the draconequus. "Whoever it is, please stop it." Then she moved to the left side of the cerebrum where three prominent wrinkles converged.

"This small spot is called Bucka's Area. It is involved in the production and understanding of speech."

"Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-discord!" the draconequus sputtered. "Chaos fun! Chocolate milk!" The words seemed to leap out of his mouth, with no regard for his intentions. Cheerilee then pointed to a small lump at the front of the brain.

"And this is an area of the brain unique to ponies and other magic-using creatures, called the thaumatic cortex, which enables them to channel magic." She poked it with her needle and Discord suddenly hiccuped, transforming one of the desks into a small rosebush.

"Ooh." Discord cleared his throat and tapped his paw against his chest. "Excuse me."

"And," Cheerilee continued, pointing to the underside of the brain, "this lump of tissue is the hippocampus, which is mostly responsible for memory."

"You've disappointed me, Jean-Luc, I'm very disappointed! Hey, I'm claustrophobic, I don't like it in here."

"Who's John Luke?" Scootaloo asked Sweetie Belle.

"I don't know! What am I, an encyclopedia?"

And the day continued thusly.

"Please, Mr. Discord, I cannot properly teach the physics unit while you are standing on the ceiling." Discord harrumphed and walked along the ceiling and down a wall, returning to the floor.

"Why is everypony trying to rain on my parade?" He produced an umbrella and a tiny pink thundercloud appeared above him, raining chocolate milk.

"I am simply trying to do my job, sir."

"Oh, please, I practically wrote the book on physics." Discord snapped his claw and conjured a large blue book. The title read Discord's Big Book of Physics in wacky lettering. He flipped it open, put on a pair of reading glasses, cleared his throat, and began reading.

"Energy equals MC squared. An MC brings life to any party. But two MC's bring double the hype!"

"Actually, sir," said Cheerilee, "that's not—"

"Force equals ma. A mother is a force of nature and should not be trifled with."

"Please, Mr. Discord—"

"Einstallion, Neighton, and Pascolt are playing a game of hide and seek, and Einstallion was it, so he covered his eyes and counted to 10. Pascolt hid behind a tree, but Neighton moved to the sidewalk and drew a square around his hooves in white chalk. Einstallion uncovered his eyes and immediately saw Neighton. He said, 'I found you!' Neighton said, 'No. You found a Neighton over a square meter. You found Pascolt!'"

There was silence in the room. Even the cricket in the corner of the room was silent. It was silently rolling and kicking its legs laughing, though; Discord was sure of it.

"Wait a minute," he said after a moment. He flipped through the pages, then looked at the cover. He scratched away at the cover and showed it to the class, revealing the word Jokes immediately after Physics.

"Silly me! I forgot I covered that up with blue paint!"

"Why would you do that?" asked Cheerilee.

"Why do I do anything?" said Discord. "Because it's fun, that's why!"

And lastly was history. Being over 1000 years old, Discord was offered the chance to teach history. Naturally, he gave the foals infinitely valuable knowledge on the history of Equestria and the world in which it resided. Naturally.

"And that is how Princess Sunbutt became the ruler of Equestria. Are there any questions?" Oddly enough, it was Miss Cheerilee who raised her hoof. "Yes, Cheerilee?"

"I don't remember reading about anypony named 'Thiessen' in any history books, sir."

"Oh, pish-posh, I know history. I grew up during history, for goodness' sake!"

"Well, that doesn't necessarily—"

"The day is almost over, so I will see myself out. Good day, everypony!" Discord produced a tall stovepipe hat from nowhere and placed it on his head. He walked through the door and the hat, being much too tall to fit through the doorway, bent to the left like rubber. It then regained its original shape once it had cleared the opening.

"Who do ya reckon that Faust mare was that he was talkin' 'bout?" Apple Bloom whispered to Sweetie Belle.

"I think I read about somepony named 'Fausticorn' in one of Twilight's ancient history books," she replied. "Think that was her?"

"And what was that stuff about the 'Imaginary Friends' Home?'" Scootaloo added. "That's the silliest idea I've ever heard!"

Author's Note

Wow, I'm really proud of myself for getting this chapter out so quickly after the last one. It almost wrote itself. Don't expect all the chapters to come so quickly, though; I had a large part of this chapter already written prior to the posting of Chapter 1. I'll try to be more on top of my game from now on, though. Wish me luck!
Also, if anyone could think of good ponified names for Einstein, Newton, and Pascal that are fairly obvious, that would be excellent. :derpytongue2:

Thanks to CrackerHumps and Kichi for their suggestions. Even though I had already had the ideas independently, I felt they still deserved a shout-out. And special thanks to wille179 for the names of the scientists.

Chapter 3: Foalsitter

Discord and Twilight sat at the breakfast table the next morning. Discord was eating a Hunter's Delight—a sandwich he had invented himself—which was currently struggling to escape his grip. Twilight, on the other hoof, was eating a much less lively meal of oats and honey with a mug of coffee, grimacing across the table at Discord's choice.

"How can you eat that thing?" she asked with thinly veiled horror.

"Oh, relax, Twilight, it's not even really alive; I just animated it with my magic." He took another bite of the sandwich, biting off one of it's celery-stalk arms and causing a small amount of beet juice to stain his lips. "Mmm. Wiggles all the way down." Twilight had to force herself not to retch at the thought.

"So, uh..." she said uncomfortably, trying to change the subject and ignore Discord's struggling breakfast, "how did it go with Cheerilee's class yesterday?" Discord bit off another plant-stem limb before replying.

"Excellent!" he said, spitting a few pieces of lettuce onto the table. "First, they opened me up and examined my brain. And later, I got to teach them history. Cheerilee even let me teach physics!" Instantly forgetting her earlier discomfort, Twilight snorted and laughed.

"You? Teach physics? That'll be the day!" Discord put his lion paw to his chest, appearing mildly offended.

"Why, I think I make an excellent physics teacher!"

"Oh, really? Then what's Neighton's First Law of Motion?"

"An object in motion will keep moving until it gets tired," he said with confidence.

"That was Aristrotle!" said Twilight, flabbergasted that he could so disgrace her absolute favorite subject. "Neighton's First Law says all objects will maintain their state of motion unless acted upon by a nonzero net force."

"You didn't let me finish!" said Discord. "I was about to say, '...is what Aristrotle said, which is wrong. The object will stay in motion unless acted upon by a force.'" Twilight raised the coffee mug with her magic and took a sip, smirking behind the rim.

"That's still technically wrong in three places," she said smugly.

"Is not!"

"I greatly appreciate this, Discord," said Rarity as she let the draconequus into her Boutique.

"Oh, no problem. I just love those three fillies!" The two started up the stairs, heading up toward Sweetie Belle's room.

"Well, you should be aware that they can be quite... difficult at times."

"Oh, no need to worry, Rarity. I can be quite the entertainer." When Rarity looked back at him, he was wearing a vaudeville-style vest and hat similar to the ones worn by the Flim-Flam brothers, and he twirled a cane in his eagle claw like a baton, singing all the while.

"♫Well, you've got opportunity in this very community...♫" Rarity simply turned back forward, trying desperately to ignore the singing and forget the violent crime against fashion that she had just witnessed.

They finally reached the door to Sweetie Belle's room and heard giggling coming from inside. Rarity paused at the threshold, immediately conjuring innumerable catastrophes and disasters that could be occurring behind the innocent-looking exterior. With dread creeping up on her, Rarity slowly opened the door and found the fillies—

—playing a board game. Oh, thank Celestia, she thought. The three fillies were inside playing what appeared to be a game of Candy Land. Scootaloo had a pouty look on her face, Apple Bloom was grinning like Twilight having a breakdown, and Sweetie Belle looked up and smiled as her sister walked in.

"Hey, sis!" she squeaked. "Is the foalsitter here yet?"

"Yes, he is," Rarity replied. "Girls, I'd like you all to say hello to Discord. He will be your foalsitter for the night." She opened the door wider to reveal the smiling draconequus standing with his hands clasped together and one leg in the air like a little schoolfilly.

"Good evening, girls!" he said. "I know we'll all get along just splendidly! We can braid each other's manes, make s'mores, and maybe even play Truth of Dare!"

"Now," continued Rarity, "I'm going to a meeting with a potential client at a café, so I will be back most likely around 8:00. That gives you about two hours of free time. Hopefully, you won't burn the Boutique down in that time." She turned away and muttered under her breath, "Although I wouldn't be surprised if it was Discord's fault." She then trotted out the door and down the stairs. "Have fun, girls!"

"Oh, they will, Rarity!" Discord shouted after her. Once the door shut, he turned to the three fillies and clapped his hands together. "Now, then... What shall we do first?"

"Where are you?!" cried Sweetie Belle in desperation later that evening.

"Keep looking," said Discord casually as he leafed through an issue of CloudMall. He had shrunken himself to a tiny size and now sat behind one of several flowerpots in Rarity's living room. He had been making excellent use of his ability to throw his voice and was thoroughly enjoying their game of hide-and-seek. The fillies, on the other hoof, were not.

"This is boring!" said Scootaloo, glancing at the clock. "We've been looking for almost an hour, and we still haven't found him. He's probably changed hiding places five times anyway. Or he could probably just pop into another dimension or something and nopony would ever be able to find him." Discord fought hard not to snicker. That had been his first idea for a hiding place, but he had ultimately decided that would have been unfair. But there was no sense in making it easy for them.

"Ooh, looky!" he said excitedly, eyeing a product in his magazine. "An automatic coffee maker that doubles as a Pez dispenser! I swear, they sell the most amazing things!"

"Ah've had enough o' this," said Apple Bloom, shutting the kitchen cabinet. "We've looked ev'rywhere! Ah even checked the basement. Ah never even knew ya'll had a basement!"

"Me neither," said Sweetie Belle curiously. "I guess Rarity never told me about it."

"Yeah," said Scootaloo sarcastically, retrieving her head from a desk drawer, "or maybe Discord just poofed it into existence so we'd have more places to look!" The draconequus had to really struggle to hold back his laughter this time.

"Alright, Discord," said Sweetie Belle, "we give up. Where are you?" Discord closed his magazine and walked out from behind the row of clay pots. He waved at the Crusaders when they saw him, then teleported to stand in the middle of the room full-size.

"Surprise!" he said, absolutely not being at all the least tiny bit smug. "You didn't find me! I was hiding behind the flowerpots!"

"That's not fair!" said Scootaloo. "You can't use your fancy chaos magic; that's cheating!"

" :ajbemused: ," said Discord.

"What did you say?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"I said, :ajbemused: ."

"Did anypony understand that?" she said.

"Never mind," said Apple Bloom, "Ah'm bored."

"I have an idea!" said Scootaloo. "The circus is in town today; let's try for tightrope-walking cutie marks!" The three fillies all turned to each other and spoke in unison.

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Tightrope Walkers, yay!" They then put their hooves together and gave a three-way hoofbump in an impressive display of coordination.

"Now, now, girls," said Discord, wagging his eagle claw, "Rarity has entrusted me with your care, and you will be doing no such thing on my watch." He crossed his arms and poked out his chin in an I'm-the-boss kind of way. After a moment he looked down to discover that the three fillies were nowhere to be seen.

"Well, that was rude." And so he ran after them.

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The Crusaders ran up and down the streets of Ponyville, trying every activity they could think of to get their cutie marks. They tried tightrope walking, cattle driving, tree climbing, mail carrying with Derpy, house painting, and even hoofball kicking, but nothing worked. Not that anything ever did. But they were still hopeful!

They poked their heads in and out of doors, Discord poked his head in and out of other doors, and neither one could catch a glimpse of the other. They chased each other through the streets and alleyways in every order imaginable. Discord after the CMC; the CMC after Discord; one filly, then Discord, then the other two; Scootaloo chasing Sweetie Belle and Discord chasing Apple Bloom; once, they were even chased by three Discords in a row, but the chase continued well into the evening.

Rarity trotted nervously up to her door. She fidgeted and looked around her, hoping beyond hope that the evening had gone well. She saw that the Boutique was still intact, but that held little meaning. The unicorn carefully placed her hoof on the door and, after a brief hesitation, pushed it open.

The bell above the door announced her arrival just as it did for every one of her customers. She looked around and saw no damage aside from a few objects slightly out of place. She explored and found a couch moved away from the wall, several of the kitchen cabinets open, and—oh no! Her precious potted plants were out of place! This could only be the work of a burglar! She would have to check the entire Boutique top to bottom to make sure they had not taken anything valuable! This was the. Worst. Possible—

"Good evening, Rarity!" came a voice behind her. Rarity instantly whirled around and pointed her horn at the expected assailant, but she was met only with Discord's smiling asymmetrical face.

"Oh! Discord!" she gasped, relaxing her stance. "You scared the living daylights out of me! I thought the Boutique had been broken into!"

"What?" He looked around and realized how wretched the place looked, at least according to Rarity's impossibly high standards. "Oh, silly, we were just playing hide and seek!"

"Oh, well thank goodness nothing awful happened! Where are the girls now?" Discord most certainly did not grin cunningly; he just smiled at the memory of all the fun they had been having.

"Oh, they're fine, Rarity. They've been awfully quiet the past few minutes." Rarity's face scrunched up in confusion. She turned and trotted up the stairs, followed closely by Discord. They reached Sweetie Belle's bedroom door and went inside.

"Girls?" said Rarity. "Where are you?" She looked down and screamed. On the floor in front of her was a small orange chicken with a fuchsia crest atop its head. It regarded her curiously, possibly trying to determine whether the mare had any feed to give it.

"Discord!" she shrieked. "Where did this infernal bird come from?!"

"Now, Rarity," admonished Discord, "what would Fluttershy think if she heard you say something like that? Besides, I got the girls to be quiet; what more do you want from me?"

"Wait, you mean..." She looked down again and saw a small book lying on the floor next to a pinkish flower. She brushed away the blossom and looked at the cover, which read, "Oxford Equestrian Sweetie Belle." Rarity's eyes filled with tears and her bottom lip pushed out and trembled. She then broke down into absolute hysterics.

"Sweetie Belle, why-hy-hy-hyyy?!?!" She grabbed the book and clutched it to her chest, her tears spraying the room like water hoses. "She was taken from us so soon!"

"Oh, please she'll be fine; it's just simple transfiguration magic." He snapped the digits of his lion paw and the three items suddenly became three quite confused fillies. Rarity's arms instantly expanded to hold Sweetie Belle, and she turned to her older sister and hugged her.

"Oh, Rarity, it was terrible! He sent me somewhere... It was small and smelled like Princess Twilight!"

"Shh, it's okay, Sweetie Belle..." Rarity rubbed a hoof on the back of her sister's head.

"Well," said Discord, "if you don't mind, I think I'll see myself out. Good night, girls!" Discord grabbed a suitcase and teleported out.

"Uh!" scoffed Rarity. "That ruffian took my favorite suitcase!"

Author's Note

Special thanks to Kichi, and YetAnotherDiscord for his sandwich idea.
And so sorry this chapter took so long. My iPad got reset and I lost a TON of writing, so I had a whole bunch of other crap I had to catch up on. Hopefully from now on, these chapters will be coming out more regularly.

Bonus Chapter: Rarity in Wonderland

Rarity sat on the blanket having a peaceful picnic with her friends. Fluttershy sat demurely nibbling on a chocolate-chip cookie, Twilight had her snout buried in a book as always, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were discussing something tomboyish, and Pinkie Pie was being... Pinkie Pie. And Discord was nowhere to be seen. All in all, it was a very beautiful, normal day. Which is why Rarity was confused when Fluttershy's pet rabbit bolted past them carrying something shiny.

"Fluttershy," she said, "why did you bring Angel with you to the picnic? I thought this was supposed to be an outing of friends."

"Oh, I didn't, Rarity," she said, putting down her cookie. "Oh dear, he must have followed me. I told him not to, but I guess sometimes he doesn't hear me."

"I'm sure he hears you just fine," Rarity muttered. "Well, I'll go over and get him."

"Oh that's okay, Rarity, I couldn't possibly—"

"No, dear, I insist," said Rarity as she stood up. "After all, you were the one who organized this picnic. In addition, getting back from that trip to the Amarezon must have you simply exhausted; I think it's only fair." Fluttershy shrank back into her mane.

"Oh, okay. If you really want to..."

"But of course, dear." Rarity trotted over to look for Angel. She saw a white furry object jump behind a tree and trotted after it in earnest. She rounded the bend and saw in the distance Angel hopping along hurriedly.

"You should come back here, Angel!" she yelled after him. "Fluttershy might start to get worried!" He turned around and Rarity saw that he was wearing an old-fashioned-looking suit and carrying an umbrella and a gold pocket-watch that was much too large for him.

"But I can't!" he shouted back, pointing to the watch. "I'm late for a very important date!"

Odd, Rarity thought. I don't remember Angel having the ability to speak.

"What are you late for?" she asked, her curiosity taking over her brain.

"I just told you, a very important date!" he said. He turned and hopped away again, and Rarity chased after him.

"Wait a minute, that voice sounds like... No, Rarity, you're just imagining things." She considered that for a moment. "...says the mare who just held a conversation with a rabbit carrying a pocket-watch." The unicorn chased the rabbit until he rounded a corner and hopped down into a hole in the ground which appeared to be a burrow. It was at this point that Rarity stopped.

"Uh! I will most certainly not chase you down into that dirty hole. My generosity will only go so far! I must be dreaming, anyway. That's it! I must have fainted in the hot noonday sun, and my friends will wake me up any time now!" She turned and smacked her rump onto the ground. This unfortunately broke the ground around the burrow and she fell backward into the hole screaming.

She fell for only a few seconds before she felt herself hit the ground much more lightly than she thought she would. She looked up and saw that there was a solid ceiling above her. That was quite odd.

"Curiouser and curiouser," she mumbled to herself. She got up and walked down the long hallway presented before her. It was lit surprisingly well for an underground tunnel, despite having no visible light sources to speak of.

Eventually, after much complaining about the ubiquity of dirt in the tunnel, she came to a small door. She opened it, thinking it would be a way out, but it led only to a smaller door. She opened that, and there was another door, even smaller than the previous one. This trend continued and soon, she was looking at a door that was barely larger than her hoof.

Suddenly she saw movement out of the corner of her eye, but when she looked to her right, she saw only a short wooden table. Resting on the tabletop was a small glass bottle. She picked it up with her magic, holding it close to her face and examining it carefully. It had a paper label tied to the neck with a string, looking withered and yellowed by time, but still perfectly readable.

"'Drink me,'" she read. "Hmm... It doesn't look harmful. But what does it matter? This has to be a dream, anyway. Oh, what the hay?" She screwed the top off the bottle and took a small sip, instantly causing her body to convulse. She saw the area around her appearing to grow larger. The table next to her grew and grew, and she realized she must be shrinking. She had never heard of any kind of magic potion that could gradually shrink a pony like that.

When she stopped shrinking, she saw that she was now the perfect size to fit through the door. She walked to it and tested the knob with her magic. It being unlocked, she walked through and suddenly found herself inside her Boutique, apparently full size. She looked around and noticed she was surrounded by dancing clams.

"What?" she said in utter confusion. Suddenly, Discord appeared wearing a garish walrus costume that appeared to be made out of a burlap sack and crudely glued-on googley eyes.

"♫We're cabbages and kings!♫" he sang. The clams all clapped their shells in applause, prompting Discord to bow. "Thank you, thank you!" he said.

"Discord, what are you doing?" asked Rarity. "And where's the rabbit?"

"What rabbit?" Discord asked innocently, but Rarity knew better.

"The white rabbit! Angel! I followed him down into this bizarre world and—is that green on my walls?!" Indeed, the walls of Rarity's Carousel Boutique were painted a garish color of cactus green, along with many other colors and patterns that did not match at all. In a single second, her whimsical dream had transformed into a twisted nightmare!

"Oh, Rarity, you simply must relax. After all, how else will you slay the Jabberwocky?"

"The what?"

"The Jabberwocky. You already have the vorpal sword; you might as well use it." Rarity looked around and, amazingly, she realized she had indeed been holding a silvery sword in the grip of her magic. When she saw it, she immediately dropped it, causing it to snickersnack loudly against the ground, likely scratching her beautiful hardwood floor.

She turned around to shout at Discord and saw that, lo and behold, the walrus suit had inexplicably disappeared, leaving him sporting a pattern of plum and magenta stripes and a pair of cat ears. Rarity decided to promptly ignore those details; she would never understand Discord no matter how hard she tried.

"Discord!" she said. "Stop this mischief this instant! This is mad!"

"Oh, but Rarity," he replied with a chuckle, "didn't you know?" His ever-present grin suddenly began to grow, the lips slowly stretching in opposite directions across his face. His teeth showed through, shining like ivory in the light of the Boutique. The rest of his body was fading, and eventually the only parts of him still visible were his differently-sized eyes and creepy grin floating in the air.

"We're all mad here," he finished, his grin reminding Rarity of Twilight in full breakdown mode. He chuckled the same dark and evil chuckle that she remembered so well, and as it progressed it soon morphed into a crazy, terrifying cacophony; the cackle of a madmare.

The clams suddenly began advancing on her like an angry mob. There was no chanting, as would be expected; they conveyed quite enough threat through simply their stance and body language alone. There was no knowing what those infernal things would do to her if they caught her.

Horrified, Rarity turned and galloped away toward the back of the Boutique, heading up the stairs toward where she thought her bedroom should be, Discord's haunting laughter echoing off the walls and following her like a little black thundercloud. When she reached the top of the stairs, she opened the door with her magic and leapt through into abyss. She fell and fell and fell, screaming and crying hysterically all the way.

"I WANT TO GO HO-HO-HOME!!!" she sobbed as she fell. Soon, she saw a little speck of light below her, and then she suddenly felt herself impact on what felt like wood. A second later, her head shot up to attention as she heard Discord's insane cackling once more. She jumped up and bolted off, galloping across a flat plane of wood covered with white lace. Tree trunks of stained porcelain rose up on each side of her, gigantic vases and bowls rushing past her in a frenzy.

Off to the side, Discord stood leaning against the side of a crystal vase. He turned to his right and gestured to the galloping fashionista.

"What a drama queen," he said. The magically animated playing card he was speaking to scowled at him and said nothing. Unfortunately, no matter how much she wanted to, she had no legs of her own and so could not leave under her own power. She did, however, turn away, trying to give Discord the nonverbal signal to shut the hay up.

"I say off with her head," he said with a grin. The Queen of Hearts glared at him.

"Will you shut up?" she said. "I already told you to leave me alone."

"Oh, come now, Queenie. Surely you don't mean that. Maybe you just need to play a nice, relaxing game of croquet."

"Go away," she said again. He turned to his left.

"What do you think, Dormouse?" The lid lifted off the top of a tiny teapot, revealing a small, sleepy-looking mouse dressed in a little purple tuxedo.

"Where's the March Hare, Hatter?" he yawned.

"Hay if I know," said Discord, putting on a top hat with a card stuck in the rim reading "10/3."

Rarity, meanwhile, ran and ran, eventually entering a swirling tunnel. She glanced behind her and saw countless enemies chasing her; Nightmare Moon dressed in a red robe, her cat Opalescence with her fur died purple and pink, and two Diamond Dogs dressed in leotards and beanies. She saw a door in front of her, and she tried to reach the knob, but she could not quite reach it. Her hoof slowly got closer and closer, but the mob was gaining on her. She finally reached the door, wrapping her hooves around the knob, and tugged—then discovered that it was locked.

"No!" she screamed. "Please! Don't hurt me! I'm just an innocent fashionista!"

"Rarity! Rarity!" the mob chanted, advancing on her menacingly.

"No!" she cried, jiggling the knob frantically. "No! No!"

"Rarity? Rarity!" The white mare mumbled in her sleep, tossing as she was jostled by Twilight.

"No, don't... I'm innocent..."

"RARITY!" Twilight screamed, and Rarity woke up with a start.

"Ah!" she shrieked, sitting bolt upright. She looked around and saw that she was back at the picnic. She twisted further to look around and fell off her red couch, landing on the grass with a quite undignified "oof!"

"What happened?" asked Rarity, rubbing her head.

"Ya fell asleep, Rares," said Applejack. "We weren't gonna wake ya up, but then ya started mumblin' like ya were havin' a nightmare or somethin'." Rarity was silent for a moment, then threw her hooves down on the ground triumphantly.

"I knew it!"

"Knew what?" said Rainbow Dash, who was hovering in the air as usual.

"I knew it was a dream! I knew it from the very beginning!" She paused, much of her confidence leaving her as she stared off into space. "But it felt so real..." She suddenly heard a masculine voice that should not have been there.

"What did you dream about, Rarity?" She turned around to see the offender standing behind her couch.

"Discord!" she growled. He shrugged.

"Yes. Your point being?" Rarity turned to her friends.

"What is he doing here?!"

"Oh," said Fluttershy, "he just wanted to be part of the picnic. He got here right after you fell asleep." Rarity pointed an accusatory hoof at the draconequus.

"That ruffian meddled with my dream! I dreamed about shrinking potions and evil dancing clams and talking cards, and he was there wearing a huge, honking grin and singing about cabbages!" Applejack quickly put her hoof on Rarity's, forcing it down.

"Whoa now, Rares. Ain't no need to go blamin' Discord. Ya sure it wasn't just, ya know... a dream?"

"Honestly, you girls don't give me enough credit sometimes," said Discord, crossing his arms and pointing up his chin with a harrumph.

"Don't you even talk about us giving you credit, mister," said Rainbow Dash.

"Rainbow..." said Fluttershy cautiously.

"You already betrayed us for Tirek; how much credit do you think we should give you?"

"Rainbow!" yelled Fluttershy, giving her the Stare. The pegasus slowly floated down to the ground and hid behind Applejack, keeping her eyes on Fluttershy lest the normally shy mare do something herself to make her stop.

"S-Sorry," Rainbow said, having apparently switched personalities with her friend at some point during the argument. The rest of the group, who had been watching the exchange, turned back to Rarity. The unicorn promptly dropped the rock she had been levitating behind Discord's head and cleared her throat.

"Shouldn't he be acting more hyper?" she asked. "He's being awfully nonchalant about his denial."

"Rarity," said Twilight, "I think you should calm down a bit. I'm sure it was just an odd dream. Have you eaten anything odd in the last few hours?"

"Well," said Rarity, knowing her defeat was imminent, "I did eat some of the potato salad..."

"You must have just had an overabundance of vitamin B6 in your system. That's been known to cause extremely vivid dreams."

"I guess so..."

"Come on over here," said Applejack. "Let's eat."

Sitting a distance away from the picnic, Discord watched them with a smile on his face. The smile grew until it was taking up his entire face, then his body gradually started to fade away. First the legs disappeared, then the arms. The rest of his body disappeared in a coiling fashion, then came his head. And the last thing to disappear was his toothy grin.

Author's Note

For all the people who got me featured!

Special thanks to YetAnotherDiscord for the Mad Hatter idea.