The Pinion

by PegasusMesa

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 9917

Side effects of reading may include smugness, self-importance, a sense of superiority, and diarrhea. Should side effects persist, stop reading The Pinion and see your doctor immediately.

For over five-hundred years, The Pinion has been Equestria's premier news source. From Sombra's bloody enslavement of the Breezies to Nightmare Moon's personal preference for lingerie, no story is too big or too small to escape our notice.

Now you can see for yourself what makes this publication the best in Equestria.

Staff:
Midnight Blaze, Editor in Chief
King of Beggars, Correspondent
PegasusMesa, Correspondent
Magello, Graphic Artist

Published 2014-10-18 00:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-13 22:28:31 UTC

Princess Twilight Sparkle Declares Herself “Queen Of The Motherfucking Morons”

Ponyville, Equestria—Late yesterday afternoon, Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville declared herself “Queen of the Motherfucking Morons” after a long day of addressing her subjects’ troubles and concerns. A reporter from The Pinion was on hoof for to receive her comments.

“Today, I spoke with fifty three different ponies,” Princess Twilight said. “Five of them wanted help organizing three-pony tea parties, six asked if I had the power to officially declare war on Manehattan, three demanded that I marry them, two were arguing over ownership of a chicken, and one asked if I would do him a favor and magically extend his cock. It boggles the mind that so many ponies are this stupid. I am quite literally the Queen of the Motherfucking Morons.

“Yesterday, three of them fell into a well and needed to be rescued,” Princess Twilight continued. “Ponyville didn't even have a well last time I checked, so where it came from is anypony's guess. I put up a sign warning everyone about it, and four more fell in this morning. And do you have any idea how many witch trials I’ve had to deal with in the past month? Nine. Nine goddamn witch trials. These idiots keep forgetting that unicorns are supposed to use magic.”

Stated the princess, “I don’t know which is going to happen first: my mane starts to go gray, or I fucking tear it out.”

Since Princess Twilight’s arrival in Ponyville a year-and-a-half ago, nearly every official responsibility has been transferred to her. She now heads every single government committee, and presides over all local lawmakers’ gatherings. Law enforcement has also been left in her capable hooves.

Commented Princess Twilight, “Ponyville was basically bankrupt when I showed up. It was almost like the morons in charge were trying to waste all the town’s money. I mean, did we really need a fucking statue of Mayor Mare?”

“Twilight Sparkle has made my job so much easier,” said Mayor Mare, the mayor of Ponyville. “Ever since she appeared on the scene, I have had the time to focus on the things that are truly important to me.”

Added the mayor in regards to her crossword puzzle, “What is a four-letter word for ‘not light’ that ends with a ‘k’? Perhaps I should ask Twilight later when she’s not busy.”

When asked about the adoption of her self-proclaimed new title, Princess Twilight sighed and shook her head. “There are ponies living here that wouldn’t last a minute without someone holding their hoof every step of the way. It’s like they smell the danger and then proceed directly towards it. I’ve been in daycares with a higher collective degree of survival sense. You would think that with all the shit that goes down in Ponyville, everyone would have gotten used to it, but you would be wrong. Without me, these slack-jawed morons would all be utterly fucked.”

Ponyville has a single, one-room school house that seats students of all ages, some of whom were responsible for nearly throwing the world into eternal chaos by freeing the one-time tyrant, Discord.

“The school is terrible,” said Princess Twilight when asked about Ponyville’s education system. “Between you and me, I’ve been wondering if it’s even worth trying to salvage it. Have you ever seen the citizenry of Ponyville’s writing? It’s like reading something written by a foal, except the foal might accidentally spell something right. Half of the textbooks have been blacked out with a marker because Cheerilee can’t read words more than two syllables long, so she decided to pretend that they weren’t there. For fuck’s sake, I’m not even sure if she has her GED. I know that Ponyville isn’t known for its advanced scientific community, but Celestia on a corn cracker is it bad here.”

In her less-than-two-years in town, Princess Twilight formed a close circle of friends that have remained faithful to her, even after her rise to power.

Said one such friend, a dressmaker named Rarity, “Twilight is an absolute dear. Why, she has done nothing but solve everypony’s problems from the day she set hoof in Ponyville.”

“Yeah, Twilight’s cool,” said Rainbow Dash, a self-styled athlete. “She stinks at a lot of the important stuff, like flying, but she always gives one-hundred and ten percent and is a riot to have around.”

“Um, whenever you ask, she’ll help you,” said animal-rights activist Fluttershy. “It might be because she’s very nosey, though. She can be a bit of a bitch, sometimes.”

Said Fluttershy further, “This isn’t part of the interview, right?”

Not everything has gone smoothly for Princess Twilight. A few of her subjects have expressed concern over their new leader’s policies. “I don’t trust her,” said one such pony. “What if she’s just lulling us all into a false sense of security? She could be improving our standards of living and saving our lives just to make us soft so she can enslave us in the future.”

“I heard her speaking in rhymes, once,” said another. “She claimed it was something called poetry, but it sounded an awful lot like zebra-talk to me.”

A third commented, “I won’t believe she’s a princess until I’ve seen a birth certificate.”

Princess Twilight did have some non-negative sentiments to express regarding her subjects..

“I’ll be honest, though,” she said. “Ponyville’s citizens may be brain-dead mouth-breathers, but they’re my brain-dead mouth-breathers. I love them, you know? Plus, they’re the only ones who’re willing to hang out with me on a daily basis.”

Added Twilight, “Sweet Luna’s moon-dappled ass, I need to get some better friends.”

Child Labor: Fashionable Cruelty (Contributed by King of Beggars)

Author's Note

Thanks to King of Beggars for contributing this article

Child Labor: Fashionable Cruelty (Contributed by King of Beggars)

Ponyville, Equestria—The Equestrian fashion circuit was rocked today by allegations that a very prominent name in the industry may be in the habit of using child labor. The culprit: none other than rising superstar and self-fashioned ‘Fashionista’, Rarity.

The designer—an Equestrian national treasure as the former Bearer of the Element of Generosity—is a Ponyville native, and close personal friend of Princess Twilight Sparkle (once Bearer of the Element of Magic).

Pinion correspondents contacted Ms. Rarity regarding these allegations, and she decries them as being spurious at best, and outright malicious at their worst.

“It’s an outrage—an absolutely disgusting, bald-faced lie,” commented Rarity. “I would never take advantage of innocent little children, even if their tiny hooves would be perfect for making exquisitely flawless little stitch lines, so tight as to be invisible to the naked eye.”

“Rarity’s full of shit,” says Applejack, former wielder of the Element of Honesty and Friendship Associate of the accused. “She’s got that baby dragon of Twilight’s by the short-stick, she does. Wicked temptress works him like a borrowed mule making them fancy-schmancy dresses of hers.”

Spike the Dragon, Hero of the Crystal Empire and ward of Princess Twilight, has been an assistant to Rarity since first moving to Ponyville.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Spike told The Pinion. “I love doing stuff for Rarity. She’s so nice, and beautiful, and she keeps a lot of her supplies in places where she has to bend over to reach them, and when she sweats you can smell her from all the way across the room… You’re not going to print that, are you?”

“Spikey-wikey is very helpful,” Rarity said. “He wants to do things for me. I rather think he has a bit of a crush on me. Not that I would ever act on such a thing, but it’s very cute, the way he gets all flustered. And he doesn’t work all that much. Why, the other day, Twilight let him come over very early in the morning, and I tell you I did the responsible thing and had him home before midnight.”

Employing a minor under the age of fifteen is a crime under the Child Shield statutes set forth in the Equestrian Confederacy Doctrines. However, young Spike’s situation does not fall under the purview of the statutes, as he is not officially employed by the Carousel Boutique. He draws no paycheck from which taxes are withheld, he is not provided medical insurance under the Oopsie Hooves Worker Safety Act, and he is afforded no government mandated break time.

“He doesn’t need any of that nonsense,” said Rarity. “All he does is sew a few things together, pick up a few scraps of cloth, and spend a few hours digging up gems in dangerous Diamond Dog-occupied territory. Seven straight hours digging holes under the hot sun or hunched over a sewing machine is nothing. Why, when I was his age I could do seven hours of sewing standing on my head. I even let him have bathroom breaks as long as he’s not in the middle of a stitch-line.”

Princess Twilight Sparkle spoke to correspondents about the allegations that her ward was being exploited.

“Growing dragons need structure. Helping Rarity keeps him off the streets, away from drugs, and teaches him valuable trade skills that will serve him well when he enters the workforce as an adult. You want a criminal that’s abusing children? How about you go talk to the Equestrian College Board that churns out useless degree after useless degree like a paper mill?”

Princess Celestia, chair and founder of the Equestrian College Board, could not be reached for comment.

“Plus,” Princess Twilight further stated, “I know for a fact that as long as he’s over there with Rarity, there’s no chance of any of those teen pregnancy shenanigans I hear about in all the newspapers. I may be immortal, but I’m too young and beautiful to be a grandmother.”

However, critics say that the opinion of Princess Twilight may be biased. Concerned eyewitnesses report that Spike is often left unsupervised for hours, even days at a time, with a laundry list of jobs, some of which would stretch the mental and physical limits of an adult.

“Of course he works for me, he’s my assis—I mean, my son!” the princess said. “I mean, what young boy doesn’t have chores to do around the house? Throw out the garbage, clean your room, dust and organize over six thousand books, do my job and run the library for me while I go out on picnics—it’s just how he earns his allowance.”

“And I’m not on trial here, damnit,” she added, wiping a sheen of sweat from her forehead. “Rarity’s the one that’s working him to the bones and paying him in head pats and those glass beads she tries to pass off as gems.”

The Pinion attempted to contact physicians in regards to Spike’s health. There are currently five practicing physicians in the village of Ponyville, and none of them had any patient records for Spike. Our investigation led to the offices of the town veterinarian, who, disgustingly, appeared to be the dragon whelp’s primary care physician.

“I’onno,” said the veterinarian in response to questions about Spike’s health. “I guess he’s okay. I mean, I don’t really know anything about dragons. Nopony does. Do you have any questions about parakeets? I know a lot about those. They may be cute when they’re small, but let me tell you, those things are vicious when they get big.”

Said Spike on the matter: “My health? It’s pretty good. Fit as a fiddle… well, except for my naps. That’s what Twilight calls them. I get really dizzy sometimes and then my nose starts to bleed, but Twilight—I mean, Mom; she said I should call her Mom when I’m talking to you guys even though I usually call her Twilight—is really nice about it. I don’t even have to clean up the mess until I wake up. The coughing fits kind of suck, though. Wish I knew what those were about.”

Spike's situation is currently under investigation by Child Protective Services, and if convicted of exploiting a minor, Rarity could face upwards of sixteen years in prison for every charge. Whether any of those charges will stick, or if the investigation will lead to a decline in Rarity's sales, only time will tell.

Point/Counterpoint: Nurture vs. Nature

Point/Counterpoint: Nurture vs. Nature

POINT: You Need To Take Better Care Of Me
by Angel Bunny

Okay, Mom, there’s something I need to get off of my chest—living here is awful. Like, refugee-of-a-dying-country awful. Now, keep in mind that I’m a rabbit, and very easy to take care of. My needs are pretty much minimal. I need food, a place to sleep, and tender, loving care when I’m sick. That’s why it’s so mind-boggling that this house is so awful to be in.

Mom, I need you to take better care of me, or I might not want to live with you in this dump of a cottage anymore.

First of all, let’s talk about what you feed me. It’s the same thing, day after day. Is it dinnertime? Looks like I’m getting a salad. Breakfast? Better hope I’m hungry for salad. Hearth’s Warming Eve? Yeah, you guessed it.

Fucking salad.

Don’t get me wrong, it isn't that I don’t like salad. All I want is a little variety in my diet. Would it be so hard to pass me some of that sandwich, or maybe share the cupcakes that your annoying friend brings by every single day?

No, I guess that’d be too much to ask for. It’s not like you need to lose weight or anything, fatty.

Then there’s my bed—a shoe box. You have me, the second most important living thing in the entire house, living in an old cardboard box that you would have otherwise thrown out a long time ago. I don’t know when the last time you washed my linens was. Meanwhile, you’re upstairs sleeping in a real bed with a mattress and everything.

I don’t think I need to mention how fucked up that is.

But you know what the worst thing is? This one is actually a literal threat to my life. When I get sick, you would think that a doctor would be the best one to look after me. You know, some kind of actual professional. Someone who knows what they're doing. Instead, you decide that proper medical care is for pussies and try to handle it yourself. You make me eat subpar tomato soup and force these massive pills down my throat in what can only be called a show of animal cruelty.

Yeah, don’t really appreciate that.

It’s a miracle that I’m still alive.

COUNTERPOINT: Getting Real Tired Of Your Shit, Angel Bunny

by Fluttershy

Like I don’t have enough to do with both a sick family of squirrels and a litter of abandoned puppies to take care of, now I need to deal with this fuzzy asshole’s complaints. Alright, I’ll let all the other animals living here go hungry while I soothe his bruised ego. That was sarcasm, by the way.

Angel Bunny, I honestly gotta say that I’m getting real tired of your shit.

Is he seriously so miserable living with me? Free room and board, safety from his natural predators, and medical care he doesn’t have to pay for? He thinks all of this is bad pet ownership? What an entitled little shitsock.

Fine, I’ll lay down what things are really like.

This asshole seriously believes that, if I had my way, he would eat a damn salad every damn day for the rest of his damn life. The part he doesn’t mention is how I’ve offered him plenty of other things. Carrot souffle, vegetable stew, lettuce and tomato sandwiches—all of these things I’ve placed in front of him (on an actual fucking silver platter, no less), only to have them thrown back into my face. He will literally only eat salad, and he has the gall to complain when that’s what I give him? I swear to Celestia, if he throws one more salad on the ground because it doesn't have a cherry, I will feed him ground-up glass.

Well, you know what? Go get your own food, Angel Bunny, then we’ll see how good three free meals a day looks. I promise you’ll be begging for your salad when it’s not there anymore.

And what in Equestria is wrong with his bed? Although it technically is a shoe-box, it’s the best damn shoe-box I've ever seen. Cardboard? Really? It’s made of mahogany, for fuck’s sake. I had a small mattress custom-made, and I ordered the finest sheets and linens that I could. To be honest, his bed cost more than mine did, and it’s about a hundredth the size.

Oh, and I change his sheets every day and wash them by hoof. Not that he’d notice, since the lazy little asshat's always either cramming his face full of food or napping somewhere. Sometimes I just want to strangle him in his sleep.

Then there’s this little bit about taking care of him when he’s sick. You know, this was my favorite part of all to read, because I almost couldn’t stop laughing. Over the course of my life, I’ve taken enough classes in animal care to be a veterinarian. He wants someone who knows what they're doing? The only reason I'm not a professional is because I don’t care about the title. And that tomato soup he hates so much? That’s how I give him his medicine so that it doesn’t taste so bad going down. Of course I’ve told Angel this, but it’s typical of him to ignore me like the little twat he is.

Animal cruelty? For making him take a pill? Yeah, because keeping my pet from dying a painful death after he eats a pound of poison ivy is “animal cruelty”. It doesn’t get more “tender and loving” than the care that I provide, but if you’d prefer to die by shitting out your insides like a fluffy white party-popper, then be my fucking guest.

I’ll tell you what, Angel Bunny. You better shape the fuck up, or it’ll be a miracle if I don’t murder you myself.

Author's Note

Images obtained from the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic wiki page

Concerns Raised Over Cutie Mark Crusader Demon Worshippers

Ponyville, Equestria—These days, achieving one’s cutie mark is a sign of adulthood. It is therefore not uncommon for a young pony to go to great lengths to earn their mark. However, citizens of Ponyville have expressed concern over the recent attempts of one such group of fillies.

For the past year and a half, these three young mares, who call themselves the “Cutie Mark Crusaders”, have sought in vain to discover their talents. Up until now, their endeavours have been endured without complaint.

“It was cute in the beginning,” said local apple farmer Applejack, older sister to Cutie Mark Crusader Apple Bloom. “They had a little clubhouse and these capes they wore everywhere. Then, about a month ago, things changed.”

Dressmaker Rarity, older sister of Cutie Mark Crusader Sweetie Belle, commented, “They got their hooves on black cloaks and started to go out together at all hours. Sweetie Belle comes home just before sunrise, covered in dirt and leaves. Whatever they’re doing, she just won’t tell me what it is, except to say that it’s all for the good of the great Nebzebul. Whoever that is.”

Complaints regarding the fillies’ odd behavior has travelled as far as the desk of Princess Twilight Sparkle. “I really don’t see what the big fuss is,” Princess Twilight commented to a Pinion reporter. “So what if they’re going through a weird phase right now? Haven’t we all done the same? I remember when I thought it was cool to be goth. It meant literally nothing in the long run. Young ponies are weird sometimes, so let’s just move on.”

“Yeah, I remember Twilight’s goth phase,” said the princess’s dragon assistant, Spike. “She used to send me out at least three times a day to buy black eyeliner, and she’d stay up all hours of the night writing depressing poetry while she listened to bad music. It was pretty sad.”

When told of Princess Twilight’s remarks, Applejack said, “Twilight means well, but I honestly don’t think she understands how serious this is. Apple Bloom’s started reading more, and not in a good way. I took a look at the books she’s reading and they’re filled with all sorts of weird gobbledygook. If it’s a real language, it ain’t one I’ve ever seen before.”

“Scoots and me, we’re close,” said athlete Rainbow Dash, self-proclaimed sister to Cutie Mark Crusader Scootaloo. “Well, we were close. Lately she hasn’t wanted to hang out at all. Now, all she wants to do is chant while rummaging through the garbage. She said she’s looking for talismans, or something. Dunno what that means.”

Despite the odd behavior, the community didn’t truly begin to pay attention to the recent actions of the Cutie Mark Crusaders until tragedy struck.

“Two days ago, Fluttershy woke up and went outside to find that somepony had killed all of her chickens and arranged them inside pentagrams drawn in their blood,” Rarity said. “The poor dear hasn’t been the same since. If Sweetie Belle was a part of this, then it’s about time for me to put my hoof down before somepony ends up drugged and chained to an altar.”

Continued Rarity, “Especially if that pony could be me.”

A police investigation has turned up no suspects in the chicken killing.

Since then, a number of citizens claim to have witnessed strange events. Six separate reports have been filed wherein someone heard voices in their basement, yet found nobody when they went to investigate. Further, there have been at least four sightings of creatures stumbling and tripping along the edge of the Everfree Forest in the dead of night. The creatures are described as ten feet tall with disturbingly intelligent eyes. As of this printing, no official evidence of these creatures’ existence has been provided to the police.

Of the three Crusaders, only Scootaloo elected to comment while the other two fillies stood off to the side and chanted in tongues. “We’ve been trying to get our cutie marks for a long time, now,” she said. “We really want them, you know? So we’re just trying stuff out. If this occult thing doesn’t work, we’ll move on to the next thing on the list. Which is interpretive dancing. Until then, we’re Cutie Mark Crusader Demon Worsh—er, thingies. Hail Nebzebul.”

Finished a suddenly red-eyed Scootaloo in a deep, resonant voice, “Your blood will serve as fuel for the Purge, insolent fleshling.”

Despite the community’s complaints regarding the crusaders, police have found no link between the fillies and the paranormal sightings.

“Look, you’re letting your imaginations get the better of you,” Princess Twilight told citizens in a recent press conference. “The voices you’re hearing are just the wind, or maybe some wild animal outside. And these creatures in the Everfree Forest? Probably nothing but shadows. I refuse to believe that demons exist without substantial proof that shows otherwise.”

Despite Princess Twilight’s assurances, the disturbing reports continue.

“I saw something swimming in the pond,” said a citizen, who withheld his name. “And before you tell me it was just a fish, don’t. I’ve seen fish, and this weren’t no fish. This thing looked back at me with red eyes and smiled before going deeper.”

“Those fillies’re gonna be the end of us,” said another such anonymous citizen. “We should find them and stop them before it’s too late!”

As of now, no angry mob has formed in order to lynch the Cutie Mark Crusaders, but it’s only a matter of time before the sacrificial knife drops.

Princess Cadance Builds Greatest Goddamned Sandwich Ever

The Crystal Empire—When Princess Cadance put together a peanut butter and jelly sandwich late last night, little did she know that she was also making history. Only moments after her first bite did she name it the “greatest goddamned sandwich ever”.

“I’ve eaten a lot of sandwiches in my time,” Princess Cadance told a Pinion correspondent in a hastily arranged interview. “You don’t get to be a princess without eating a lot of food, but nothing has even come close to this sandwich.”

Earlier in the night, Princess Cadance and husband Shining Armor had partaken of a whole ounce of crystal kush, the kingdom’s primary export and main product of agriculture. Hunger pangs struck mere hours later, and so the princess wandered about in a blissful haze until she reached the royal kitchen.

“I had a lot of options,” the princess admitted. “I could have taken that bag of chips leftover from the night before. I remember there was also some stale cake that a servant hadn’t gotten around to throwing out yet.”

“And there were those nachos that you ordered earlier,” said Shining Armor.

“I almost ended up going with a jar of cold cheese sauce, but then I saw the peanut butter and knew what had to be done,” continued Princess Cadance. “It took a lot of magic to hold the entire sandwich together, but in the end, I knew that I had something wonderful.”

Added the princess, “Oh, fuck. I think I’m coming down. Hold on a second.”

“She was gone for at least an hour,” said Shining Armor, nuzzling his wife affectionately while she regained her buzz. “I can't remember because I was tripping mad balls. Then she finally gets back, and she’s carrying this absolutely insane sandwich. I shit you not, it was at least a pound of peanut butter and jelly between two slices of bread. It was literally the best looking sandwich I have ever seen”

“I made a few innovations,” the princess said. “The pickle relish was too tempting to ignore, and I couldn’t help but add the ketchup. As soon as I took that first bite, I knew without a doubt that it was the best goddamn sandwich in the history of the world.”

The morning after Princess Cadance’s ground-breaking discovery, letters from her fellow princesses in Equestria arrived, congratulating her on her success.

Said Princess Celestia in a press conference, “This is a great day for ponies everywhere. Princess Cadance and the Crystal Empire continue in their mission to provide us all with high-quality snack foods for when the munchies hit. On behalf of myself and the ponies of Equestria, I extend undying gratitude to Princess Cadance and wish her well on her future endeavors.”

“I have had better,” said Princess of the Moon and embittered creator of the Moonwich, Princess Luna. “She did not even use mustard. What kind of sandwich has no mustard?”

Although the greatest sandwich ever may itself not exist anymore, Princess Cadance and Shining Armor took pains to note the ingredients used therein. For now, they’re keeping it a secret of the royal family, but they have admitted to having plans to allow certain unnamed individuals access to the recipe.

“This type of thing only comes along once in a blue moon,” Princess Cadance commented. “If we spread it around right away, it’ll lose what made it special.”

Already, local Crystal Empire restaurants have prepared tribute sandwiches for their customers, despite not having the actual recipe.

“We call it the Cadance Special,” said one such owner, Slicen Dice, who runs a delicatessen. “It’s been on the menu since noon, and we’ve already sold out of the ingredients. This sandwich is hot.”

Princess Cadance is pleased with her creation’s success, but she doesn’t plan to rest on her laurels. “I am a leader,” she stated, “and so I cannot just sit here and pat myself on the back. I won’t say what I’m working on next, but rest assured that it involves chocolate. Like, so much fucking chocolate.”

Finished the princess, “And maybe a teenth..”

Changeling Burlesque Club In Crystal Empire Takes Kingdom By Storm

The Crystal Empire—The Crystal Empire is feeling a new sensation that it has never experienced before with last week’s grand opening of Queen Chrysalis’ House of Rubbing. The exotic burlesque dance club, more commonly known as a “rub club” for the way the dancers rub up against customers, turned a number of heads as it sashayed into town and right into the kingdom’s lap.

“After my people’s botched invasion of Canterlot, I realized that we had to try something new,” Queen Chrysalis told a Pinion reporter in one of the club’s back rooms. “Then I thought, what if I could get the ponies to give us their love, rather than take it? We provide them with entertainment, they provide us with life-sustaining nourishment, as well as their bits. As far as I can tell, it’s a win-win situation.”

The House of Rubbing’s entrance into the Crystal Empire has not been without hardship. On five separate occasions, royal guards have searched the establishment under royal warrant. Nothing that represents danger to the kingdom or its inhabitants has been yet discovered. Princess Cadance was on-hoof to provide comments.

“I don’t trust Chrysalis,” the princess said. “She was a cruel captor, and the last time we met was when my husband and I forcefully ejected her and her brood from Canterlot. There’s something more to this.”

“I’m sorry that Cadance can’t find it in her heart to forgive me,” Queen Chrysalis said in response to Princess Cadance’s criticisms. “Her suspicions wound me deeply. Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?”

When asked her reason for choosing the Crystal Kingdom in particular as the location for her business, the queen answered, “Oh, I just felt that I owed it to Cadance to bring a little culture to her wonderful little kingdom. Hopefully she’ll appreciate what I aim to accomplish.”

All rub clubs feature a stage where dancers perform, either unassisted or with a pole, and onlookers can enjoy a beverage or even a meal while they watch the show. Rub club dancers often accept further payments for special services, such as lap dances and back-room sessions. However, the House of Rubbing takes it all to the next level.

“What we bring to the rub club table is versatility,” explained Queen Chrysalis. “From the homeliest pegasus to the most extravagant alicorn, my changelings can become whoever you desire.”

The House of Rubbing has a “suggestions” board, whereupon uncertain patrons can find assistance with whatever guise they wish a dancer to adopt. One such suggestion is the Harmony Harem, an offering where six changelings adopt the features of the former bearers of the Elements of Harmony. Further examples are the Full Moona Luna and the More or Ce-Less-tia.

“I’ve been all sorts of ponies in the last few days,” one performer said. “It’s easy work, and it pays well. You want Fluttershy? For ten bits, I’ll turn into Fluttershy. For twenty, I’ll even act like her.”

However, one special order is far more popular than the others.

“Our highest quality offering is the Opera’s End, named thusly because it’s not over until the fat pony… well, you know,” said Queen Chrysalis. “With this deal, the customer receives special attention in a back room from one of our best dancers in the guise of Mi Amore Cadenza herself. The hour-long entertainment ends with, ah, a pleasurable conclusion. I can only hope that Cadance doesn't find it too distasteful. I would hate to offend her, truly.”

Added the queen with a surprised expression, “I honestly didn’t expect the Opera’s End to be quite so popular. I suppose it says something about how the ponies of the Crystal Empire view their leader, but who am I to judge?”

Incidentally, the Opera’s End is the least expensive item on the list, despite providing the most value.

Even Princess Cadance’s husband is not above visiting the House of Rubbing. Despite the club’s rule prohibiting photography, pictures were leaked of Prince Shining Armor in the midst of the Opera’s End special, some of them quite graphic in nature. Further images showed the dancer’s transformation back into a changeling, revealing it to be none other than Queen Chrysalis, herself.

Said Princess Cadance when asked about Shining Armor’s involvement, “This matter is between me and my husband. No matter how disgusted I might be, we will resolve it ourselves.”

Princess Twilight Sparkle, sister to the prince, was not so tight-lipped. “I don’t know what that idiot was thinking,” she told a Pinion reporter. “He and I are going to have a very, very unpleasant conversation as soon as Cadance gets finished with him. The only way I could be more disappointed in him is if he had a second changeling in the room disguised as me. What the shit, Shining? Seriously, what the shit?”

“I am ashamed of my behavior,” said Prince Shining Armor in a press release the day after the photographs were released. “Although, I must be fair, the service I received was pretty darn close to the real thing.” He and a nearby guard winked at each other and bumped hooves immediately afterward.

“Oh my, how ever could those photographs have leaked out?” said Queen Chrysalis with a hoof held up against her cheek.. “It’s so embarrassing to be the cause of such a scandal.”

When asked why she performed this particular Opera’s End herself, the queen said, “The prince was a valued guest. I thought to ensure his satisfaction personally. Clearly, personal matters had no involvement. No involvement at all.”

Despite the unsavory situation with the royal family, ponies continue to flock to the House of Rubbing every night in increasing numbers. Plans are already being drawn up for branch locations in Ponyville and Canterlot should the Crystal Empire location thrive for long enough.

However, it still remains to be seen whether the House of Rubbing is a new force in the Crystal Empire’s nightlife, or just a flash in the pan.

Royal Phoenix Spawns Royal Scandal Along With Brood Of Parasprites

Scandal rocked the royal city of Canterlot last night when the eggs of royal pet Philomena, a phoenix, hatched to reveal a brood of half-phoenix, half-parasprite offspring. The eggs had been laid a year before in a show of peace between Equestria and Griffonia, the country to which the male phoenix and supposed father, Gary, belonged. Now, with Philomena’s lack of fidelity brought to light, relations between the two countries are strained.

The Pinion had a team on-hand to gather remarks.

“I am very disappointed in Philomena’s irresponsible behavior,” said Princess Celestia in a private interview. “However, I am her friend first and princess second, and will support her through what will surely be a difficult time for her.”

The hatching is the first recorded instance of a parasprite and a phoenix producing offspring. Royal veterinarian Skippity Doodah provided insight.

“Honestly, I’ve never seen anything like this before,” Skippity said. “Two different species ‘doin the do’ is one thing, but actually making some sort of mutant progeny? That’s a new one. I actually didn’t even know that parasprites had sexual organs suited for this type of reproduction. Normally, they reproduce asexually. I guess it just goes to show you.”

When asked about the father’s identity, Skippity offered, “We have no idea. The last known instance of a parasprite infestation was, what—a year and a half ago in Manehattan? Maybe one of the little guys made it from there to Canterlot, and that’s when he and the royal pet had their, ah, dalliance.”

Almost moments after hatching, Philomena’s offspring scattered throughout the castle, where they have since remained. The castle staff have made efforts to prevent the parasprites from gaining access to food, but already reports have come in of further reproduction. However, assistance will not be soon coming.

Pinkie Pie, a Ponyville resident and the last in a long line of expert parasprite removalists, is the only known living being with professional experience in handling such an outbreak. Unfortunately, she has given up paraspriting for Lent, an exotic religious tradition that she observes every year.

“I spun the Lent Wheel of Sacrifice, and this year it landed on ‘paraspriting’,” Pinkie Pie told a Pinion insider. “Pretty inconvenient, if you ask me, but rules are rules.”

Princess Luna herself has gone to some efforts to remove the infestation, but she has met no success. Due to their part-phoenix heritage, attempts to exterminate the parasprites only result in them bursting into flame and two new parasprites being reborn from the ashes.

“This is the very reason why we should have border security,” said Princess Luna in a public statement. “If the parasprites had been stopped from crossing into Equestria, this situation would never have happened. Next thing you know, the parasprites are going to want to send their children to our schools and have access to free Equestrian health care. Unfortunately, supporters of the Celestial agenda want to abolish our borders altogether and make all illegal aliens into Equestrian citizens. Be ready if that happens, for Phoenixgate will only be the beginning of the disaster.”

Reportedly, King Ganz of Griffonia is furious over Philomena’s betrayal of Gary. A Pinion reporter traveled to speak with him.

“I cannot believe the audacity of these Equestrians,” King Ganz said. “I do not think I have ever seen Gary more depressed than he was when the news came in that the children were not his. At the very least, I demand that they execute the lying wench Philomena. Gary’s honor demands no less.

“Squawk,” added Gary.

Said Princess Celestia in response to King Ganz’s demands, “The King has no right to demand anything of myself or my subjects. Further, how would His Majesty suggest we execute Philomena? She’s a phoenix. They can’t die. I strongly suggest that His Majesty take a long, deep breath and consider the situation before leveling an ultimatum. We're clearly just as unhappy about all this as he is.”

As for Philomena herself, she has declared that she shall do all that she can to support her children. “Squawk squawk,” she said in a public statement before retiring to groom her anus.

With tensions rising between Equestria and Griffonia and a parasprite infestation rampant in the capital, one can only hope that this is the height of the crisis.

Poor Service Forces Enraged Princess To Demolish Restaurant And Nearby Orphanage

Canterlot, Equestria—In what many are already calling an act of God, the trendy restaurant Golden Tier was destroyed after it blundered the dinner order of beloved leader, Princess Luna. Caught up in the eruption was the unfortunately located St. Nebulus’s orphanage.

The night began calmly enough when Princess Luna and her cohort of bodyguards arrived at Golden Tier, hungry and ready for a meal. The host seated them in the house’s best area. However, things quickly grew hairy after the princess discovered that her tea had only received two cubes of sugar, rather than the requested three.

“Our tea must have exactly the right amount of sweetness,” Princess Luna commented the day after the incident. “Food preparation is for the peasantry, not the royalty, yet We had to add the third sugar cube Ourselves. ‘Tis shameful and embarrassing for Us to sully Our hooves so, to say the least.”

The next issue came right upon the heels of the first. Upon receiving her salad, Princess Luna found a tomato buried under the lettuce. Said the princess, “We should have released Our wrath right then and there! Ponies have lost their lives in the past for presenting Us with tomatoes. Indeed, that vile vegetable has nearly poisoned Our mighty stomach many times. However, in a special show of lenience, We felt merciful and allowed Golden Tier one final chance with which to redeem themselves.”

Unfortunately, the restaurant was not up to the task. Princess Luna’s entree of dandelion souflee came and went without mishap, but the same cannot be said of the desert. Her double-chocolate banana split ice cream sundae with extra nuts, whipped cream, and a cherry arrived with the cherry already sliding off of the top scoop before she could eat it. That marked the end of her patience and the beginning of her terrifying rampage. She calmed after only a few minutes, but by then, the city of Canterlot had accrued an estimated ten-million bits worth of damage.

“It was like being in the middle of a lightning storm,” said one witness, a restaurant-goer who required psychological treatment after the incident. “Except that the lightning storm had eyes, hooves, and wanted to kill everything that moved. I can only hope that Golden Tier’s management pays through the nose for bringing this upon us.”

Golden Tier was completely reduced to rubble along with St. Nebulus’s orphanage, which had stood next door. The surrounding buildings also sustained light to moderate damage, but nothing unfixable.

Golden Tier opened its doors five years ago to rave reviews, delighting upper-class Canterlot society with its original takes on traditional recipes and its chic, trendy atmosphere. “We deeply regret our inability to provide the level of service that Princess Luna demands,” said Golden Tier owner, Golden Wisdom. “If only we had known beforehoof about her visit, I would have scheduled my best ponies so that this all might have been avoided.”

Said Lord Mayor Stallionston, mayor of Canterlot, “The city is ashamed of Golden Tier’s irresponsible behavior. We are looking into filing suit against the restaurant for the damage done to our fair city.”

Perhaps the most sobering consequence is the state of the now-homeless orphans. St. Nebulus’s orphanage was founded a century ago by St. Nebulus herself, a follower of Princess Celestia so devout that she threw herself into the sun. She built the orphanage with her own two hooves over the course of three months so that the homeless foals of Canterlot could have a place to stay warm in the winter. In recognition of St. Nebulus’s wishes, Princess Luna has graciously allowed the orphans to remain in the irreparable husk of the obliterated orphanage, but says that they must vacate the premises within a week.

“Canterlot’s zoning laws are very strict concerning this,” the princess said. “I have decided to give the orphanage a grace period in order for them to find suitable accommodations, but in the end, the law must be obeyed.”

“We’re so grateful to Princess Luna,” said Willy Nilly, the mare who ran the orphanage and still looks after the orphans. “Without her, these poor fillies and colts would be out on the streets after Golden Tier’s lackluster service forced her into uncontrollable fury.”

Added a number of the orphans in unison, “Thank you, Princess Luna!” They then held out a number of hoofmade “thank you” notes, drawn on discarded newspaper pages, that they plan to send to Princess Luna in return for her kindness.

“It is a shame that these poor foals will soon find themselves wandering the cold, empty streets of Canterlot every single night,” Princess Luna said. “The responsible parties must be brought to justice, and I will not rest until they are.”

This is not the first time poor decisions or designs have caused Princess Luna-related destruction. Manehattan’s upper district faced a similar situation because a convenience store didn’t have her favorite brand of soda in stock when she passed through, and an entire island with a population of three-thousand ponies vanished from existence in a pillar of flame when a poorly placed sand trap caused her to miss par on the eighteenth hole at an exotic resort’s golf course.

“We hope Golden Tier will do the right thing and take responsibility for this dreadful situation,” Princess Luna said. “And may they never again commit such atrocities that leave an entire orphanage in shambles.”

Said Golden Wisdom, “Clearly we will do all that we can to help. However, first we must rebuild, which will likely take a number of months. We wish for the orphanage, the city, and particularly Princess Luna to forgive us. Hopefully, after we reorganize and hire more staff to replace the ones she choked to death and buried under tons of rubble, she’ll find it in her heart of hearts to give Golden Tier one last chance.”

Princess Luna did not comment on whether or not she was willing to forgive Golden Tier for their transgressions. Whatever she decides is something only time can tell.

Apple Farmer Puts Down Sick Cow, Is Arrested For Bovicide

The sun shines and the birds sing, but the normally serene town of Ponyville is anything but calm these days. Patience runs low, tensions run high, and one topic in particular remains on everyone’s mind. That topic? Murder.

Or bovicide, to be more precise. Local apple farmer Applejack, partial owner of the Sweet Apple Acres, has been taken into custody under charges of murdering Isabella, a bovine-Equestrian and resident of Sweet Apple Acres.

Isabella fell ill last Friday, complaining about headaches, stomachaches, and a sense of infirmity. She remained sick throughout the weekend and into Monday, and on each day, she remained in bed inside the barn instead of going out to pasture.

“Isabella was sick all the time,” said her sister, Yvette. “Back when we were calfs, she would always have head colds. Her im-moo-ne system just couldn’t fight it off. Her symptoms last Moo-nday were nothing new. Normally, she would just sleep it off and be fit as a fiddle afterwards so she could moo-ve on with her life. None of us expected this time to be any different.”

In this case, reality did not meet expectations. At 12:15 PM, Applejack went to investigate Isabella’s absence. Witnesses told Pinion correspondents that she entered the barn, then left five minutes later. She promptly returned carrying a long object wrapped in a blanket. Minutes afterward, gunfire was heard. Yvette and a number of other bovine-Equestrians rushed to the barn and found Applejack holding a smoking rifle and standing over Isabella’s body.

“She said Isabella was sick and had to be put down,” Yvette said as she wiped tears from her eyes. “But we all know the truth. This was no mercy killing.”

Said mother of Isabella and Yvette, Esmeralda, “Those Apples have never liked us. They hate the way we look, the way we talk, and even the way we walk. This is clearly moo-rder, and her moo-tive is obvious.”

A Pinion correspondent visited the police station in order to obtain comments from Applejack herself. “I didn’t murder anyone,” she claimed. “Isabella was old and dying. She asked me to do it because of the pain. I didn’t do anything except ease her suffering. These cows are just using this as an excuse to attack me and my family. They’ve always had it out for us, ever since they moved in, and now they’re milking the situation for all it’s worth.”

Princess Twilight Sparkle weighed in on the situation. “If the cow asked Applejack to do it, then I don’t see the problem,” she said. “I think euthanasia is an act of compassion. We should praise Applejack for having the courage to do the right thing, difficult as it may have been.”

Said Applejack in response, “Oh, she asked for it, alright. She was definitely asking for it.”

Correspondents sought further comments from the other members of the Apple family. “Them cows are always mooing at me behind my back,” said Big Macintosh, Applejack’s older brother. “They think I don’t hear them, but I do.”

“The cows come up in conversation a lot around the house,” said Applejack’s younger sister, Apple Bloom. “Some nights at the dinner table, we won’t talk about anything other than how bad the cows’re getting. They’re not very nice. If you say hi to one, it’ll just stare at you like you’re some kind of bug before telling you to ‘moo-ve away’.”

Said Granny Smith, the Apple family matron, “Them damned milkjugs, with their damned mooing, and their damned moo puns. They think they can get away with anything. The problem’s that they aren’t punished for wrongdoing. Why, back in my day, a cow didn’t dare moo sideways at a pony, lest they be brought to account. Now, they can have an innocent mare arrested and put on trial for putting down a sick’un! What’s the world coming to?”

Members of the community came forth in support of Applejack by picketing the cows’ pastures, where both sides could be heard slinging insults and racial slurs at each other. The event remained non-violent, but the tension was thick enough to cut.

“Damned foreigners, taking up Equestrian soil,” said one protester, who elected to remain anonymous. “They come here and take our jobs, our houses, our food. What’s next? Our children? I for one don’t want to to wait to find out. Send the cud-chewers packing, I say!”

“Ponyville’s been a pressure cooker for these two peoples for a while, now,” said Ponyville’s police chief, Bronze Star. “The ponies and the cows are always going at it, with no end in sight. It was only a matter of time before things came to a head.”

Applejack is scheduled to appear before Princess Celestia in court at the end of the month, where her guilt or innocence will be determined. Princess Celestia herself declined to comment.

The bovine-Equestrian residents of Sweet Apple Acres have expressed their concerns regarding the legitimacy of a trial overseen by someone they consider a friend of Applejack’s. “Of course she’ll get off scot-free,” said Yvette. “These ponies stick together through thick and thin. A pony judges another pony, and they think that justice will be served? Don’t make me moo.”

“We certainly will not sit by and accept the verdict if it’s anything but guilty,” said Esmeralda. “They get away with taking our milk and living in a nice house while the rest of us have to stay in a barn. Well, this time they’ve gone too far. My daughter’s moo-rder demands blood, and if it’s the last thing we do, we will have it. We will have it.”

The situation continues to intensify. Police officers have taken to patrolling the streets in order to prevent any violence that might otherwise occur. Several young colts, barely out of school and hot behind the collar, have been taken in for aggravating innocent cows in town. Pending the outcome of the trial, Applejack has been relocated to a solitary location behind a three-strand barbed wire fence for her own protection.

Is it only a matter of time until a full-scale war hits Ponyville? Maybe, maybe not. One thing is for sure, though—Equestria has not herd the last of this.

The Grand Galloping Gala—A Track Record For Disaster? (Contributed by Snaproll)

Author's Note

Thanks to Snaproll for contributing this article

The Grand Galloping Gala—A Track Record For Disaster? (Contributed by Snaproll)

Canterlot, Equestria—For the past three years, the Grand Galloping Gala has experienced a series of mishaps, mix-ups, and outright disasters. Some ponies have speculated that the Gala is a magnet for bad luck, while others have even suggested that agent provocateurs might be deliberately sabotaging the year’s most prestigious event. Now, with another Gala looming on the horizon, invitees find themselves questioning whether or not it is even safe for them to attend.

It all began four years ago when a group of six Ponyville mares—later identified as the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, attending at the personal invite of Celestia herself—set in motion a series of events that led to the party’s ruination, including the castle menagerie being set loose on the attendees, the destruction of much of the ballroom’s support structure, and the mortification of Prince Blueblood, who spent a week isolated in his quarters coping with severe emotional trauma.

“It was terrible,” a source close to the prince reported anonymously. “His Majesty spent a whole day in the shower weeping unashamedly and eating ice cream. By the time he snapped out of it, we had to get his outfits re-sized to accommodate his added, ah, royal wideness, and there wasn’t a carton of Rocky Road left within fifty miles of Canterlot.”

When asked for comment on the evening’s destruction, Princess Celestia had this to say: “While it was unfortunate that the event turned into a fiasco by the end of the evening, I prefer to look at the positives. The ballroom was in serious need of a remodel, anyway—it was slated to be redone next month. Further, the average health of most of the garden’s animals has improved as well, what with all exercise they got. It also served to give our wranglers a proper drill in rounding up all the stray critters.”

The following year, the bearers of the Elements were not in attendance. However, what was in attendance was a full two-dozen skunks that had not made the guest list the previous year. According to wranglers working for the menagerie, the skunks had made a den in a section of the old ballroom that had been walled off in the previous year’s renovations. Several eyewitnesses reported that the skunks were led by a lone opossum, but these reports have not been confirmed by menagerie staff. At least half of the guests had to endure multiple humiliating baths in tomato juice to rid themselves of the smell.

According to the contractors hired to do the renovations, the walled-off-section had been requested as a last-minute addition by Princess Celestia herself. “Initially,” said the princess in response to our questions, “we’d wanted to put a dumbwaiter in to connect to the upper levels on the next round of renovations. Unfortunately, we decided to go in another direction. It just didn’t work out the way we wanted.”

The year after that, the night of the Gala went off without a hitch—or so it seemed. The very next day, Canterlot General Hospital was flooded with over 150 cases of Poison Joke exposure. While the victims were eventually cured with generous aid from the Zebrican embassy, investigations were undertaken to determine the vector for the contamination. Eventually, it was determined that the enormous quiche served the previous evening had been contaminated by Poison Joke. Further investigations determined that Celestia’s personal chef’s prized stash of aged basil had been mixed with the offending flora.

We asked Princess Celestia how she could countenance keeping such an incorrigible prankster on permanent retainer. Said the princess, “I have every confidence in Zesty Marinade’s integrity, accountability, and firm moral character.

“Besides,” she added, “he makes the most ballistically accurate—I mean, uh, heavenly key-lime pies.”

With the Gala looming next week and preparations in full-stride, the identity of the mystery prankster—if he or she indeed exists—is still very much in question. Indeed, many ponies are taking as much care with their prank precautions as they are with their wardrobes and coiffures. However, Princess Celestia has given us her personal assurance that this year’s Gala will go off without a hitch, and that nopony should pay attention to the crates marked, “Disgruntled Bees”. With assurances like these, we can rest easy that the Grand Galloping Gala will go off without a hitch.

Epiphany: An Editorial, by Diamond Tiara

(Editor’s Note: What with all the wild happenings in Equestria, we’ve had quite a few Letters to the Editor come in lately. This one from a little filly in Ponyville caught my eye. ~M.B.)

Our nation dodged a terrible disaster this last week, one with which I am sure you are all familiar. After all, who could forget that feeling of powerlessness as our magic was drained, one and all?

I know I sure won’t.

I remember lying there, staring at the ceiling, feeling so weak and helpless, stripped of my magic, my birthright, waiting for an enemy whose name I didn’t even know at the time to come and finish me off. To wipe out my family. My friends. Everyone I’d ever known.

My father—Celestia’s blessing upon him—for all his money and power couldn’t stop it. As the plaster and lathe rained down on us from the ceiling, as our world shook to the very foundation, he and our butler bumped hooves and went to lie down and die with dignity.

Of course, we didn’t die. Our princesses saved us. Three willingly gave up their power, their very immortality for a chance at saving us. One gave up her life’s research and her home so that we might live.

Only the willfully blind could not come away changed, having had the selfless, honorable nature of Equinity thrown into such sharp relief before them. Once upon a time, I was that blind, self-centered little filly. However, the scales have fallen from my eyes. I, for one, will strive to be a better pony, to better live up to the ideals of the elements of Harmony—to be more loyal, to be more generous, to be more kind—to be a better friend.

As I reflect on the past, I know that I’ve been, well, less than kind to some ponies. Three, specifically: the Cutie Mark Crusaders, bless them. Now in my defense, they haven’t always been the coolest fillies in school, but they certainly didn’t deserve the amount of harassment that Silver Spoon (Hi, Spoons!) and I gave them...even if their incompetence did get me fired as the editor of the Foal Free Press.

But I digress. They’re alright! I don’t mind them. Really! I mean, I completely understand what it’s like for Scootaloo now, having been myself de-magicked for a while. It’s not her fault she can’t fly, and to be honest, I can totally understand why she always has to jump in with those lame me-too lines when one of her little crew spouts off at me.

And don’t even get me started on Apple Bloom—I mean, I get so much manure for being upper-middle class but holy buck have you seen how much that Apple family rakes in? I just don’t get how they can have that much money and still have no class whatsoever. “Ohh we build a new barn every three months but Ah just wear a pink bow because we’re just plain ol’ simple ponyfolk, hyuk hyuk.” Like anyone buys that corny schtick. Gimme a break.

Sweetie Belle. Celestia, what can I even say about that marshmallow train wreck. Her sister runs a boutique and makes her living on the fact that she’s BFFs with a princess, and suddenly Sweetie’s gotta be Little Miss Creative. And of course after she’s hacked three yards of spun gold fabric into some abomination that wouldn’t fit a thalidomide changeling, in swoops Big Sister to fix her mess. Of course nobody realizes that, and Sweetie still gets all the credit like she’s not a completely talentless little mule.

And WHO CARES if they cost me a shot to be friends with a cool new filly from Manehattan with their stupid zany schemes and snitchy do-gooder whining? And who gives a damn if they embarrassed me right the fuck in front of royalty? No biggie, right? Just the princess who saved the entire known world from destruction thinks I’m some kind stuck up brat. I mean, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS with a HORSESHOE, am I right?

I digress.

Look, I’m not going to lie. It’s going to be really hard to be a better pony with these bumbling, inept little blank-flanks running around here, but I will. I can do it. I will be nice to them. I…

Oh, look. There’s Scootaloo. I’m gonna go push her in the fucking mud.