"THE HOSPITAL IS ACROSS THE DARN STREET!"

by InsaneInTheMembrane

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 7018

Twilight is getting tired of everypony coming to her for medical aid.

Twilight is an expert when it comes to magic. Everypony knows that.

What they don't know is, that doesn't include knowing how to heal burns, sew tissue back together, reduce swelling, fix broken and/or dislocated bones, deliver babies, hoof out shots, cure cancer, use lab coats, walk around with a cane - you know, doctor stuff.

However, that doesn't stop them from coming in and asking for help.

Featured on October 16th... really?

Short review by Singularity Dream

This fic is a kind-of sort-of parody to the many fics that include curing the many misfortunes/illnesses via Twilight Sparkle.

I am writing this in an attempt to get my inspiration back up at full speed. If this does well, I may do more.

Also, for me to get better development out of this, and because it fit, I'm using unicorn Twilight instead of alicorn

Published 2014-10-14 16:20:14 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-16 12:58:49 UTC

"But... this is a library."

“Annnnd there,” Twilight said as she applied the band-aid, double-checking to see if it stuck. Once she was sure, she kissed the little bruised lump on his forehead. “That should heal up by the end of the day.” She looked down at the purple dragon on the kitchen table, a smile plastered on her face.

Spike blushed. “You know, you could’ve left the kiss out. I’m not a little baby anymore,” he affirmed, causing Twilight to giggle as she placed the ointment back in the cabinet. Spike crossed his arms. “I’m not…” he mumbled under his breath.

Twilight heard it. “Don’t be so silly, I can’t help it. You’re just so cute when you’re mad.” she giggle again as she pictured Spike with a red tinge on his cheeks, arms across his chest, as he was right now. She hadn’t seen anything that adorable since she looked back at her old baby photos.

Spike stood up on the table, frustrated. “I’m serious. I don’t like being treated like I’m a kid. I wanna be just like you girls, except for the fact that I’m a boy.”

Closing the cabinet, Twilight then turned to Spike. “Well, if you’re not a baby and you want to be treated as an adult, then I trust you realize what you did wrong?”

Spike sighed, rolling his eyes. He knew she was gonna pull something like that. “Never run with books.”

“And?”

“Always look to where you’re going.”

“And?”

“Never call a story with your name on it bad in front of you.”

“And?”

Spike sighed once again, slumping his form as the barrage of questions neveranded. “Stairs hurt like noponies’ business.” he emphasized his point by rubbing the sore lump.

Twlight shook her head. “No, that’s just ours,” she stated in a matter-of-factly. Her purple assistant gave her a bemused look causing the unicorn to backtrack. “But that’s good enough. You may go back to your chores.”

With a groan, the purple dragon made his way to the living room where piles of books laid scattered in the center. Grabbing two armfulls of books, he made his way to their correct destination with the ladders assistance. As he did this, Twilight was left to clean up her own mess.

That mess being a lonely box of band-aids on the chair nearby.

As she picked up the box with her magic, her attention turned to a stallion with a caramel coat staring at her from outside the window, his eyes widened. As soon as she saw him, he vanished into smoke, leaving a very confused lavender unicorn behind as witness.

Shrugging it off, she made her way to the proper cupboard, before a bell ringing made her magic pause. Settling the band-aids on the table, Twilight made her way to the library entrance, with the usual welcoming smile she always gave to her clients.

“Hello and welcome to Golden Oaks Library, how may I help-” she stopped, recognizing her new customer as the creepy window stallion. “-you?”

The stallion turned to her like a deer in headlights. He somehow reminded Twilight of her pet owl. “Are you Twilight Sparkle?” he asked a bit too franticly.

“Yes, that’s… me,” Twilight answered, unsure of his intentions. “Do you need any help?”

“Oh, thank Celestia,” he praised, a relieved grin growing in his features. “I’ve got this problem, see? It’s been going on for weeks, and it’s getting worse every day and I don’t know who else to turn to.”

“Oh, really?” her ears perked up as her own smile came back. “I can fix any problem you have. So, what is it? Overdue book? Expired library card?” she leaned closer to the stallion. “Dog ate your book?” she whispered.

The stallion cocked an eyebrow in confusion. “No, it’s a rash.”

Twilight’s head retracted. “What?!” she half-yelled in surprise and disgust.

Spike poked his head out of one of the piles of books, concerned about her outburst. “What’s wrong, Twilight?”

“Oh, nothing’s wrong. Nothing at all.” she lied through her teeth, sheepishly grinning in hopes of fooling him.

“Excuse me, but there is something wrong about this,” the stallion turned his form, showing the two librarians his infected rear.

Twilight and Spike screamed, their eyes the size of pinpricks. “Spike, don’t look.” she commanded before Spike gagged. The drake rushed upstairs to the bathroom, closing it loudly behind him.

The lavender unicorn’s cheeks turned crimson as she averted her look off his flank. “What is wrong with you?”

“What do you mean?” the stallion obliviously asked with genuine confusion.

“What do you mean ‘What do you mean’?” her anger took over her voice as it cracked slightly. “Can you turn back around?”

“Okay,” he did as she told, but it didn’t dimish the fire in her.

“You’ve just shamelessly showed your flanks to two unsuspecting ponies, one of them happens to be a child-”

“I’M NOT A BAB-” Spike threw up.

“- and now you’re saying you don’t know what’s going on? Did you know you can go to jail for that?” Smoke could be seen coming from her nostrils as her tone grew.

“I know what I did wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but this is an emergency and I have to get it fixed right away!”

“But… this is a library.“ Twilight couldn’t believe she had to say that. ”Why aren’t you at the hospital, where they treat patients with the same conditions like you?”

The stallion took upon a look of chagrin. “Because I don’t believe in medicine.”

Twilight facehoofed.

“Plus, you’re Twilight Sparkle. The one everypony has been talking about to get the fastest care in Ponyville.”

“Where did you hear that?” Twilight questioned further in disbelief.

“From everypony. They’re all saying it. I’ve heard rumors-”

“Well, the rumors are wrong.” Twilight interrupted, having had enough of the stallion’s existence in her living room. “I have never once done anything that involves medical care. Everything that happened to the people that you heard about were either treated by Zecora, the zebra that lives in the Everfree Forest, or the Ponyville Hospital. The things that you, or anypony else have heard about me has been greatly exaggerated.” Twilight took a deep breath, her ranting and the stallion taking a lot out of her sanity.

“But what about the three-headed dog incident?”

“That wasn’t me, that was Fluttershy. And he wasn’t sick.”

“When the Apple farmer was in Dodge Junction? I heard she was sick when she got there.”

“She wasn’t. She just lost the first prize. Maybe you shouldn’t believe everything ponies say around you.”

“And when the little dragon was hurt? You gave him a sticky thingy and a kiss, and he was all better.”

“That was a band-aid…”

“Oh…” the stallion gazed at the ground, the information sinking in. ”...can you at least kiss my injury or-?”

“GET OUT OF HERE!” she screeched like Shining Armor’s drill sergeant. The stallion was out of the door and out of her sight in less than a second, before she breathed a sigh of relief, finally basking to the calming silence.

Spike broke it as he walked down the stairs, being careful as to not repeat the same accident. “Is he gone?”

“Yes,” she turned to her assistant, smiling. “He is. We can rest for now.”

“That’s good.” As he reached the bottom of the stairs, he went back to organizing the books. “He was starting to get creepier than you were when you were checking out your old baby photos.”

"Hey."

"Let me get something to drink first."

“TWILIGHT!” Spike yelled, jumping on top of Twilight’s shape in the cover, desperately trying to wake her up.

Twilight’s eyes shot open, bloodshot from the sudden interruption of her peaceful dream. She turned to the culprit. “Spike, it’s three in the morning, why aren’t you asleep?” she inquired, irritated, staring daggers into his own soul. It wasn’t that she loathed him… okay, for the moment, she did.

Who wouldn’t be mad if somepony woke you up at the exact moment where you were about to kiss your favorite book, the Thesaurus, after years of being in a miserable and questionable relationship with the Dictionary?

The glare didn’t do any damage, however, as dragon scales are really thick to cut through. “I think there’s a burglar in the house. You have to do something, Twi,” the drake begged, shaking heavily.

“A burglar?!” Twilight alerted, standing fully erect, knocking her assistant off of her. She covered her mouth with a hoof as she realized the criminal could’ve heard her.

Twilight got out of bed and approached the bedroom door, peeking on the outside to the stairs. As expected, it was dark. “Spike, find someplace to hide. I don’t want you to get hurt from this.”

“Way ahead of you,” Spike replied from the comfort of the hiding spot underneath Twilight’s bed, letting his shaky tail remain outside the safety zone. If his extended knowledge of all the adventure books he read have taught him anything, it’s to let the hero do all the work. Unfortunately, none of the books’ heroes were there with him, so he was boned.

Twilight opened the door fully, inching her way out before closing it slowly behind her and locking the knob from the inside with her magic. She turned to the switch on the far end of the small hallway, flicked it on, the light’s luminating the library’s living room.

Stepping on the first step of stairs, she poked her head out to scan the area for any misplacements of any objects or any noises from anywhere.

When she saw and heard nothing, she continued downstairs as a grey pegasus was exiting her kitchen and moving towards the center of the room, not minding the purple unicorn coming down the stairs. Twilight cocked an eyebrow, seeing that the infiltrator was now sitting down on the couch with a book she recognized as 'The Misadventures of Bean' perched on his hindquarters.

Twilight reached the bottom of the staircase, staring curiously at the white and pale blue maned stallion, who seemed none the wiser. Of course, anypony who invades a library at night just to sit down and read a book isn’t wise at all. “Excuse me,” Twilight announced her presence, catching the stallion attention. “Can I help you?”

The pegasus closed the book and placed it on the coffee table before stepping off the couch. “Are you Dr. Sparkle?”

Twilight cringed inwardly. Not one day after the crazy encounter and now she was labelled a doctor. Worst of all, she was a medicine doctor. “I suppose that’s me, but I assure you that I am not a doctor in any sort of way.”

“Really?” His eyes widened in surprise. “‘cause my friend was here a couple of hours ago. You may have met him; Caramel. Yellow fur, brown mane, I think he went in because of a certain rash.”

Twilight cringed again, this time from the memory of that awful infection. “Ah yes, him. I’m sorry, but you must be mistakened. I did not treat his injury and I kindly escorted him out of the building,” she informed, dragging the word ‘kindly’ like she wanted to do the same to that Caramel colt.

“That’s not what it looked like to me. Last time I saw him, his flank infection was completely cured. Said it was one of your - what did he call it? - miracle sticky-thingys.”

“They’re not miraculous, they’re just ordinary band-aids. You can get them in every pharmacy in the whole world.”

“That’s where he got them.” The stallion put a hoof to his chin in thought. “It was odd. Normally he doesn’t believe in that sort of thing.”

Twilight sighed, growing tired as the conversation went on. She decided to put an end to it, and if denying the fact that she was a librarian was the way to go than so be it. “You know what? It’s getting late and we need our sleep. So why don’t we hurry up Mr….?”

“Thunderlane.”

“Thunderlane, and we can carry on with whatever you need. Which is?”

Thunderlane waved a hoof. “Don’t worry, it’s just an analysis for me.”

Twilight exhaled in relief. Thankfully, she knew an x-ray spell from one of the many books she read. “Let me get something to drink first, then we can procceed with the meeting. Agreed?”

Nodding, Thunderlane went back to the couch, laughing at the main character of the books antics while Twilight went to the kitchen for a drink. She wanted something to calm her nerves, something to help her deal with the uninvited stallion, something to make her go back to sleep.

What better to do the job than alcohol?

Her eye fell on a bottle on the kitchen table, filled with a brownish yellow hue fluid. It was closed in a weird containment; the kind ponies would use on wine bottles if they sucked at taking the corks out.

Did Spike sneak in here at night just to drink? she thought angrily. I swear, when I catch him…

She shrugged off the thought, no longer caring that her assistant drank under the legal age as she unscrewed the top and took a sip of the liquid.

It tasted like cider, though saltier and warmer. It’s still alcohol.

With her sobriety coming to a near end, she levitated the bottle with her back to the living room as she too took a seat near the grey stallion. “Now we may begin,” she began, downing the whole bottle with one gulp. “What do you need analysed?”

“A urine sample. I left in the kitchen to keep it warm.”

“The kitchen? I came out of there seconds ago and I only saw this bottle… of…”

“Hey, that looks eactly like the urine sample I put there. It even has the same label,” he commented, not noticing the obvious. When he did, his grin turned to wonder. “Oh wait, they’re the same. Whoa, I didn’t know you were into that kind of stuff.”

Twilight’s right eye twitched. Nevertheless, she looked up at the stallion, smiling. “Where did you say Caramel lived?”

<------------------------------->

“Finally,” Caramel whispered, applying the final band-aid of the box onto his muzzle, casting off the empty box to the garbage disposal near the table. Turning to the mirror nearby, he stared at the colt in the mirror, marvelled by the amount of protection covered his entire form.

He stood up from his seat. “I am finally impervious to all kinds of DISEASE, BACTERIA and, subsequently, PAIN!” he exclaimed, thunder roaring on the background as he laughed maniacally. "And the doctors said I was insane. I'll teach them, I'll teach THEM ALL!"

Just then, a knocking came from his front door, causing Caramel to compose himself. “Coming,” he called out, reaching to the door before turning the knob. "Hello there, how may I help-

He didn’t have time to see who it was as a flying grey blur crashed into him, causing the both of them to slide to the living room wall. In his disorientated state, the yellow stallion heard the door shut and the sound of somepony moaning. It was Caramel. "-you?"

“Caramel,” Thunderlane got off his roommate with a roll. “Maybe asking her wasn’t such a good idea.”

“Maybe you’re right about that,” Caramel groaned. “But hey, at least the miracle sticky-thingys protected me from getting seriously bruised.” He chuckled weakly.

“Can I borrow some?”

“No.”

"All I need is your ID."

The door to the library flung open, letting the bustling noise and the rays of the sun shine down inside of the building. Two purple feet stood at the entrance, struggling to carry the oversized black garbage sack as they shuttered with each step, dropping the tiniest specks of dust and dirt off the edge of the open bag.

Spike gritted his teeth as he waltzed comically to the nearby trash can, trying to balance the garbage bag, as it kept trying to fall out of his arms. He whined as the content of the bag nearly fell out on top of him, almost giving him another one of its trademarked ‘banana hats’. Honestly, why would Twilight eat so many bananas in the middle of the night? he thought, irritated by the task. Makes no sense.

Thankfully for the drake, Twilight left shortly after rushing her breakfast - which would make Sweetie Belle proud - to meet up with the other girls to ‘uncover who the mastermind behind all of this misunderstanding information is’, as she so dramatically and determinedly put it, if the bags under her eyes and the mumbling words she uttered before she left were evidence of that.

Spike couldn’t contain his sigh in relief after that. The recent events that happened at the library - while extremely traumatizing - had helped him from getting caught after forgetting to lock the door when he snuck out to the Carousel Boutique in the middle of the night to watch Rarity slee- He means, um… doing laundry.

Yes… loads of laundry.

Bumping into the trash can, he cautiously lifted his right claw off the sack, leaving only one arm to shiver intensely, opening the bin to allow the sack entrance to its rightful place and ending. Closing the bin, Spike turned towards to wash off the excess sticky liquid left in his claws before a voice whistled behind him.

“Hey kid,” it spoke in a mysterious teenage raspy tone, catching Spike's attention for some odd reason. “Over here,” Spike turned again, meeting only a dark shadow that enveloped the voice’s body.

“Uh, where are you?” Spike asked, squinting his eyes to search for the source of the pony. He began to question why that shadow even existed when it was plain daylight.

The figure stepped out of the dark, a hoodie cloaking his form, leaving only his scaly red legs and long snout with jagged teeth poking out to help the witnesses to discover his identity, which Spike found out immediatly as his eyes widened.

“Garble?”

“Wait, Spike?” the red dragon inquired, seeing his former crew member. Lowering his head to meet him, he gave him a toothy grin. “Dude, I didn’t know you worked here. How’s hangin’, man?”

Spike inched back slightly at the sudden motion, squinting his eyes at the older drake. “What do you want, Garble?” Spike asked, smoke rising from his nostrils.

Garble was taken aback, eyes widening in fake surprise. “Woah, what’s with the sudden hostility, bro? What did I ever do to you?” he asked innocently.

Spike’s gaze did not waver. “Oh, you mean besides forcing me smash a phoenix egg, then forcing me to eat a baby phoenix that had just been born and then chasing me out of a forest after refusing it. Not to mention you and the others almost ate my real friends.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault that your pony friends looked delicious,” Garble crossed his arms on his chest. “Besides, eating birds is in our diet, and you have the only one in your hands. But no,” he dramatically waved his claws in the air. “You just wanted that egg all for yourself. You’re a greedy little dragon, aren’tcha?”

“Greedy? I helped raise that phoenix so he could go home to his mom and dad.” Spike pointed a victorious thumb to himself.

“Hold on, hold on…”Garble backtracked. “You helped raise a stupid bird?” Garble stood dumbstruck, before sighing angrily. “For the love of Alduin, are you one of those pony-hugging gemetarians?” he pointed a menacing claw, gritting his teeth. “I hate that.” he catchphrased.

Spike raised his arms in protest. “Ok, can we just get back to the situation at hoof here-”

“Don’t you mean ‘at claw’ he-”

“I don’t care!” he suddenly yelped, causing Garble to shrink back slightly. Sighing the black smoke off him, he continued. “Look, I know for a fact that you’re here for a reason, and I’m certain that I won’t like that reason. So just spill it out already.”

Garble’s eyes widened slightly, raising an impressed brow at the young drake. “Straight to the exchange, eh? I… what’s the word I’m looking for?” he rubbed a claw in his chin inquisitively. “I... don’t hate that?”

“Would you hurry up, Twilight might be home at any minute.” Spike brought his rival back on topic.

“Okay then, I'll tell ya. I’ve ran out of a certain… supply and I was in charge of getting more of it. Do you have any…” Garble looked around nervously, noting there weren’t any ponies nearby before he drew closer to Spike. “herbs?” he whispered.

It was Spike’s turn to raise a confused brow. “Herbs? Can you be more specific?”

Garble grew more anxious. “You know, herbs… green leaves... smoke everywhere when you heat it up… they’re supposed to relax you - listen, I can’t really go into more detail.” The red dragon was practically bouncing off his coat from anxiousness at this point, eyes darting back and forth from all directions as if reliving a traumatic teenage memory, like spending time with dad. “Truth be told, I’m not even supposed to be here, and if I’m found, I’m gonna be in so much trouble from the ancient dragons.”

“Green… smoke… relax…” Spike repeated the words in his head until a lightbulb surged, a grin of knowledge popping on his face. “Oh, I know what you’re talking about. Why didn’t you say so?”

“Well, I thought you guys had a strict policy on it.”

Spike waved a dismissive hand. “Ah, don’t worry about that. Between Twi and me, I’m the one that gives out stuff other than books to customers that need it. Just don’t tell her I said that, and I’ll get you what you ask for.”

Garble gazed at Spike, a smile creeping up on his features as happiness overtook his every thought. Finally, after months of stressful strain of mind and body, Garble and his gang were able to receive a reliever for all those times the ancient dragons just couldn’t understand their teenage angst. His eyes glistened with hope as a squeaking began to form on his throat, slowly rising up to-

“All I need is your ID.” Spike informed, then he heard what sounded like something breaking in a millions tiny pieces. From his experience, he could safely assume they were dreams breaking. But whose were they? It sounded near him. Is Twilight home or something?

Garble broke from his excited expression to stare at Spike, the red dragon brimming with tears visible from the corners. “W-wh-what did y-you say, Sp-pike?” he was barely able to utter silently.

Spike concerned over Garble as he approached him cautiously with an incredulous gaze. “Are… are you okay, Garble?”

“YES MY NAME IS GARBLE!” he blurted out, making Spike retract in surprise.

“That’s… I didn’t ask that,”

“I mean, um, uh…” he grew silent, losing a stare contest with Spike as he tried to blink back the tears. Frustrated, he clenched his fist, opening his wings causing his jacket to be ripped. “This is the fifth time it happens,” he took a flight, going off in the opposite direction of the purle drake. “I hate that.”

Spike witnessed the whole incident, the confusion more evident now than it was before. “He must’ve been in a hurry,” he turned back to the library, intended to put an end to the mess. Honestly, what kind of dragon cries over chamomile tea? he shook his head as he closed the door. This day makes no sense.

Author's Note

Ok, last chapter may have stirred up some anger, as the amount of dislikes nearly doubled, but don't worry about it. This chapter is more on the lighter side of subjects, so no more nearly puking your eyes out.

Plus, this is a Spike-centric chapter. Enjoy.

I don't know, I think this is a weaker chapter in my opinion.

“You’re not a licensed doctor.”

Twilight sighed, exhausted from the outcome of the day, the black patches under her eyes more pronounced as she laid her head on her psychological fictional book. She has read it many times to help her as she wandered the town of Ponyville trying to find the pony who started the rumor of her being a doctor, and even though her insanity proved many times to be not so helpful in stressful situations, she still maintained her righteous position that she was absolutely right and everypony else was not right. Very not right, much like Caramel.

Lifting the chamomile tea to her lips with her magic, Twilight sipped it loudly, to calm her nerves at the end of the day. It went down smoothly, the tea working its effects as the unicorn could feel herself become calmer, the remainder of the crazy part of here silently telling her that the beverage tasted slightly of green and purple.

Sighing once again, though in relief, she went back to her book, before a voice interrupted her. “You okay there, Twi?” Spike asked from the ladder, placing the scattered back in their place.

“For the time being,” Twilight said, her eyes still glued to the page. “You just wouldn’t believe the morning I had. I’m trying not to think about it, but it always come back to me,”

“Must’ve been embarassing if it’s eating you up,” Spike commented as he remembered his own confusing morning with Garble. For some reason, everytime he thought of ‘what if’ scenarios to explain it, they all ended with smoke everywhere and everypony with bloodshot eyes. Why would he start a fire in the library, the young drake questioned himself.

“It was, trust me. Literally everything that could’ve gone wrong went wrong, and everything that did go wrong turned even worse,” She hid her face with her hooves, her cheeks warming up brightly as her mind relived the instances. “Like when I asked Rainbow and Pinkie if they were the ones who caused this… calmly-”

“I KNOW WHAT YOU TWO DID!”

“IT WAS ME, I was the one who called Mrs. Cake fat when she wasn’t looking!”

“That was my sample, not Thunderlane’s! Please don’t kill me.”

“-and then there was the incident with the Apple family-”

“Git outta here, ya dang crazy, no-good, gibberish spouting, savage!

“Applejack, it’s me.”

“Ah know, that’s why Ah’m sayin’ it.”

“- And not to mention poor Rarity -”

“Twilight, um… what happened to Rarity?”

“I don’t know, Sweetie Belle. She fainted as soon as she saw me, screaming ‘Oh, the equinity’.”

“- I don’t think they’ll ever forgive me,” Twilight stared at the book on her lap, her inner thoughts at conflict. “All this trouble, and for what? Just so I could find that lousy Keyser Pone.”

“Who?”

“I mean the culprit. Gah, this stupid book,” Twilight breathed in deeply, drowning the pain in her mind as she took another sip of her bowl- gosh darn it, tea.

Stepping out of the ladder, Spike made his way to Twilight’s side. “Twilight, how about you go upstairs and get some rest while I clean up the library?”

Twilight smiled for the first time in a while. “Thanks, Spike. I don’t know what I would do without you.” she stood up, ready to head to the blissful heaven that was her bed. ”I’ll schedule a meeting with Princess Celestia tomorrow so we can clear this whole mess up.” she neared the stairs. “For now, I think I’ll just sleep through the day and hope that nothing comes running through the door-”

The door slammed open, as the uncorn’s eyes. “Excuse me, are you Miss Twilight Sparkle?” a voice shyly inquired from the entrance, saddlebags strapped to her sides.

I wish I wasn’t. She felt her insanity slip. “What it is now?”

Twilight turned to the door, an angry white mare filling her view. “My name is Nurse Redheart, and I am here to cease all medical practices happening at this moment.”

Twilight stood there awkwardly, not sure of what to do or say. ”... I was gonna get some rest.”

“Is it for medical purposes?”

“Well, I am sort of stressed-”

“Then you may not,” Redheart commanded with assertiveness.

Annoying assertiveness, Twilight had to add. “Can you please tell me your problem fast so I can end my day?”

“Yes, we have a problem.” Redheart began to close the gap between themselves. “We have had multiple patients of ours stop coming to the hospital for their respective treatments and therapy. When we asked them why they did, they told us that a lavender mare and her little lizard thing-”

“They called me what?” Spike blared out in outrage.

“- cured them of their illness, as one of them quoted, ‘10 seconds flat’.” the white mare ignored the lizard’s interruption. “So we decided to investigate on how you were able to treat the patients in mere seconds when other trained professionals took weeks to do so, and we found something, something that alarmed us and the system,” Redheart came face-to-face with the unicorn’s snout.

“You’re not a licensed doctor.”

Twilight blinked at this… revelation. “No, I… guess I’m not,”

Redheart pulled back in shock. “You even admit it?!”

“Well, yeah, I’m not even an actual doctor. I constantly tell the ponies that come by that specifically so there wouldn’t be any confusion.”

“And yet, you still treated them like normal patients,” Redheart raised a suspicious brow.

Twilight shook her head furiously. “No, I didn’t.”

“Oh yeah,” she grabbed a clipboard from her saddlebags. “How about when a mister Caramel came by with an inconspicuous rash on his left flank?”

“I know I didn’t do anything to him, he simply took my band-aids and ran off. Isn’t that more illegal than a misundertanding?”

“What about a mister Thunderlane who went in for a urine sample exam?”

Twilight shuddered at the memory with a look of dread. “Don’t remind me…” Why do I have the sudden feeling of déja-vu?

Placing the clipboard back on her bags, Redheart faced the unicorn. “By violating the rules of the system, I, and the rest of Ponyville Hospital, demand you stop everything you are doing involving the medical field until the system deems it no longer infringing on the rights of the hospital staff. If you continue to do so, then we shall have to arrest you and your peers.”

Twilight hung her head. How did it ever get to imprisonment? “Alright, I’ll concede. I won’t step another hoof on this field.” Twilight said begrudgindly, before a thought came to her. “Wait, you’ll arrest me? Isn’t that the Royal Guards’ job? In fact, why aren’t they here with you?”

Redheart opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out. She did for a good minute before focusing back on the duo. “The system does not need to explain itself. Now good day.” Redheart spun around, trotting out of the unlicensed hospital.

As the pair watched the nurse exit the library, Spike turned to Twilight. “What’re we gonna do now, Twi?”

“What we do every day, Spike,” Twilight let a breath escape her lips. “Blame Discord.”

Author's Note

A new synonym for library shall now be unlicensed hosipital.

“And that’s how I got my wings.” (Revamped Ending)

Twilight twisted and turned in her sleep, eyes clenched shut, as she suddenly found the previously comforting embrace of her bed to be gone, replaced only by a hard surface, with her sense of frustration as her night time blanky.

The Redheart incident had left her in mind in more of a mess than it was before, so she went to seek slumber. For the first time, it was easy on her as she simply plopped on her bed and closed her eyes. The problem with that was things around her had a nasty habitat of not maintaining their easiness. She considered blaming her purple assistant for the intrusion, but she wasted all that accusation enegry on the dracone… draco… malfoy... whats-his-race.

She heard a soft giggle adjoining her, causing her anger to spike. Grunting a mighty grunt, the purple unicorn raised her head, eyes trying to scan the trickster in front of her, but all she could see was a white blur. “Whoever it is out there, send me back now or else I’ll banish you to the moon. I will do it, I’m Princess Celestia’s pupil,” she warned the joker near her.

“Oh my, dear Twilight Sparkle, how long have you been using that threat?” the familiar playful voice made its presence known, Twilight jumping to attention as she recognized her.

Princess Celestia stood in all her eye-blinding glory in the endless star-filled background, as she looked down upon her star student with a caring expression and a motherly smile.

A motherly smile that screamed bloody death in Twilight’s mind.

“Princess Celestia!” her cheeks took on a dark shade of red as she began to panic. “I am so, so sorry. I didn’t want to sound like I was threatening you or anything - I mean, I would never in my life do such a horrible thing, to you or anypony else. It’s just I don’t know what’s been going on with everypony, me not getting a good night’s sleep, waking up wherever we are, and now I feel so ashamed because I’ve been non-stop gibberish like Applejack predicted, and now I’m panicking because that dumb man in sky said so and-”

Celestia placed a reassuring hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder. “Twilight, calm down,” she interrupted, the smile still in her features. Twlight did as she was told, settling down in her spot. “You don’t have to worry about what you said. I know it wasn’t meant towards me,”

Twilight sighed in relief, before the Princess retaliated with a nasty vendeta. “Though you did sound like Prince Blueblood for a second,” this ultimate insult brought a deep crimson blush to Twilight.

Celestia giggled, continuing with her speech. “You needn’t worry anymore, I have seen what happened to you in the last couple of days, my student.” Celestia waved a hoof, urging for the lavender unicorn her. ”If I have to say so myself, you handled all those problems professionally and calmly even though other ponies in your position would give out under the pressure.”

Twilight perked up at those words. “I did?” she asked. Celestia nodded. “Well, to be honest, Princess, I don’t think things went so smoothy as you say. There were several instances where I almost lost control. Worst of all, I did lose control, in the worst way possible.”

“Did you defraud Mayor Mare? Did you rob the second largest bank in Equestria using only a quill and ink? Did you kill a somepony with a piece of fur?” with each question, the Princess closed in on her student’s muzzle.

“N-... no.” she responded uncomfortably.

Celestia pulled back, a smile plastered on her face. “Then you did much better than all others before you, back to the days of the great Starswirl the Bearded.”

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Wait, Starswirl the Bearded was also confused with a doctor?”

Celestia raised a brow. “Confused? He wasn’t confused with a doctor, he was a doctor.”

Twilight froze as her mind entangled itself with the new surge of information. “He WHAT?!”

“Of course, Starswirl was an expert in the magical field of medicine. You’ve read the books about him, right?” Celestia’s horn glowed as a brown, ancient book appeared in front of her with the same aura. Flipping through some pages, she eyes the knowledge they gave. Or lack thereof. “Oh, so that’s what I forgot to mention,” Upon realizing it, Celestia closed the book. “I knew I should’ve taken those memory pills while I was writing this,” she giggled.

Twilight’s stomach lurched violently as she puffed her cheeks in disgust. “I think I’m gonna be sick,” she stated sickly, a bucket appearing underneath her, wrapped in a purple aura.

“Don’t you have something for that?”

Twilight did not time to answer as urled onto the bucket, the contents of her rushed lunch spilling slightly on the outside. As she raised her head up, she glazed over Celestia. “Why did you bring me here?” she wheezed.

“There is one more thing, actually,” Twilight expectantly - or as much she could with all the vomit - awaited the final comeback. The brown book disappeared in a flash of light as images began transcending over the non-existent pathway. “You see, I’ve been watching you since the very first day,”

Twilight turned and recognized the images. They consisted of the “patients” she “treated”.

She clenched her bucket tight as she was lifted up.

“And that’s how I got my wings.”

“Such a strange tale, you'd think something like that would end up on the evening news,”

“You’re telling me, I couldn’t sleep for 2 months after that little incident. My wings certainly didn’t help,”

“‘Little’ is an understatement. I haven’t seen that many ponies round up to see a single unanticipated performance since that one enchantress everyone feared came to town. What was her name again, Tim?”

“Trixie, and please don’t compare to her. I already have enough problems as is without you reminding me of everything else occurring around me that hurts my already broken pride.”

“Trixie? The name sounds familiar…”

“She came in here a week ago complaining that she could feel her magic weakening ever since her home was destroyed. After a whole lot of boasting of her part, mainly from her being one of the greatest unicorns of Equestria while I was stuck in medicine, I prescribed her some anti-depressants, lied and told her they were magical steroids and she went on with her day.”

“Wow, no doctor-patient confidentiality, I see.”

“Like I care. I mean really, who’s gonna stop me?”

“Well, I am your supervisor. My job is to make sure you do your job and follow hospital regulations, which is a drag in my opinion. Not to mention that, if you screw up, I make you learn from your mistakes, so you might want to re-evaluate your stance.”

“Right, from my mistakes. Next time, I won’t do the same mistake of not helping my library’s intruders without a license.”

“Duly noted,” the elevator door opened, revealing grey maned, beige stallion in a black suit. His right foreleg clutched a cane as he limped off the elevator followed closely by a lavender alicorn, a doctor’s coat adorning her anatomy, with a clipboard suspended in an aura of the same hue. “So, where are you headed to next?” he asked.

She picked up the clipboard with her magic. “I’ve got a patient in room A113 that came through recently, says he’s developed a severe case of band-aid poisoning, whatever that means.” Twilight said as she scanned the papers.

He hummed lightly, limping to his destination. “Crazy ponies are the most interesting ones to work on. If I were you, I’d take it.” he said in a matter-of-factly.

“As if I have a choice,” Twilight placed the clipboard on her back as they reached a fork in the halls. “Looks like this is where we split,” she turned to the stallion. ”Thanks for the company, doctor…”

She struck a hoof to her face as she realized that, despite him being her supervisor for the past few months, she had not once asked for his name. “I’m sorry, I didn't quite catch your name,” Twilight admitted in half shame with a sheepish smile . Though it was tartarus on Equestria for her, this doctor was actually one of the only ponies - if not the only pony - who listened to what she had to say without her having to feel self-conscious about herself. Mostly because that doctor also had questionable authority over her and hospital, and mybe that was part of the reason why she trusted him, but she digressed.

The doctor gave her a condescending stare, deciding whether or not to answer the question truthfully. “My superiors call me House.” With that, he turned left, reaching his designated spot while leaving Twilight to her own.

The alicorn sighed as she began to head to her patient whom she thinks she had known before a voice called out to her. “Don’t forget, tomorrow is Redheart’s birthday.” House yelled. “Give her something nice for me, will ya?”

He was right, she thought, Redheart’s birthday was coming up. How could she not know? Well, maybe because besides that one time when she was still a unicorn and her library wasn’t connected to the hospital walls, they hadn’t spoken to each other much. Twilight was grateful for it. After all, it was partially Redheart's fault that she had to resort to this option. A doctor for life... the mear thought brought shivers to her spine.

Though she did have to admit, with the hospital no longer across the darn street, she didn’t have to trot a long way to get to her home. The hours were good too, with more free time than her library job, paid vacations and a salary that covered tree insurance, but even so.

As she made her way to the room, Twilight pursued her lips as evil and very naughty plans polluted her once innocent mind.

She knew exactly what to give Redheart.

Author's Note

Okay, after a full day of leaving that mess of a last chapter on, I decided to remove it because I would be a hypocrite if I let it stay (I hate non-sensical dream endings). So, instead of using that idea, I went with my original concept for the ending of this fic.

And dare I say, it looks 100X better than the last one. Especially with that guest appearance everyone has been waiting for.

Okay, now I'm happy...

Please don't get angry at me for doing this, or because I fanserviced. It wasn't my intention.