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1 - In Which the Universe Hates Ditzy Doo (Rewritten)
As the Death Note fell through the sky outside the school of a certain Light Yagami, it hit an multidimensional portal. The chances of this happening were about a million-to-one, but the universe really didn't care about those odds. As it continued to fall through the portal, it started to change. The text, once reading Death Note, now read Derp Note. The instructions, once talking about humans and death, now talked about ponies and derp. It had turned into the Derp Note. No one has been able to figure out why, concretely. One prevailing theory is that the universe was in a bad mood that day. The other predominant assumption was that the very nature of the Equestrian universe into which it had fallen was too happy, and could not allow for such a thing as a Death Note to exist, so it was forced to turn into a Derp Note. However, at this point in time, it makes no difference as to why it happened, but that it did happen, and that the Derp Note had fallen into the most curious of places, right in front of one Ditzy Doo.
Ditzy pulled the last letter out of her mailbag, double checked the address to make sure she had memorized it correctly, and put it into the mailbox of the house in front of her. "Finally, I'm done with the day's mail. Now I can go home and relax for a bit," she thought to herself, as she turned to head home. As she set off, she heard a loud thump come from behind her. She jumped, and quickly turned around to investigate the strange noise. Looking around, she noticed a strange book upon the ground, with the title of Derp Note. She walked over to the book and picked it up off the ground. She opened it up and read the first rule, 'The pony whose name is written in this note shall Derp.' "What does that even mean?" she wondered, as she continued to look over the notebook for some sign of its origin.
An idea as to its origins, and as to how it landed right in front of her, suddenly struck her. Looking around, she said, "Alright guys, you can come out now. Ha ha, you fooled me. Yes, let's all pick on the mare who has funny eyes! Oh, I'm sure that she won't mind," with a combination of sarcasm and anger in her voice. It hurt when ponies made fun of her for her eyes, and it made her angry when they did. A few minutes passed, but still nopony appeared. Feeling worried and starting to look around frantically, she begged, "Okay guys, you can cut it out now. It's not funny any more. You've had your laugh, now show yourselves! Please!" all traces of sarcasm and anger in her voice replaced with fear, as no one answered her cries.
Ditzy looked over the notebook she was holding in her hooves once more. "Maybe this thing is for real? But what does it even do? I suppose the only way to find out is if I use it. And to do that, I'm going to need a quill. Fortunately, I know just the place!" she thought to herself, as she started to run towards the Quill-and-Sofa store. Outside of the store, she accidentally bumped into a mint-green unicorn, who had a two-tone mane, one shade an even paler green, the other a simple white. For a cutie mark, she had what appeared to be a harp.
"Watch where you're going next time!" the unicorn snapped, turning to glare at Ditzy.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't see you there. I must apologize, Miss...?" Ditzy asked, not recognizing the pony whom she had bumped into. An idea came to her, as she waited for the unicorn to reply. She needed a test subject for the Derp Note, and here she was, being presented with the perfect one.
"My name is Lyra. Lyra Heartstrings, if it's that important to you. But why did you want to know my name?" Lyra asked, still sounding somewhat angry, but with a hint of confusion in her voice.
"Oh, I just like to know the name of ponies I accidentally injure. It... happens a lot, you see," Ditzy explained. It was half true, too. She had accidentally injured a few ponies before, and by that time she had learned it was much easier to find out the name of whoever it was. Of course, she had to make sure she didn't seem too eager to learn Lyra's name, lest she draw suspicion upon herself.
"Okay then..." Lyra said, before she started to head home and contemplate just how weird some mares could be. She should know; her roommate was Bonbon, a pony notoriously hard to live with.
"Okay so... I was getting a quill, right?" Ditzy muttered to herself as she stood in front of the store. Taking a look at the sign, a picture of a quill and a sofa, reassured her. "Yeah, that's right. Normally I'd use one of my own feathers, but I need one quickly," she reasoned to herself, as she prepared to enter.
She waved hello to Davenport, the pony in charge of the store, as she entered. The first thing she saw were the sofas, with a 20% off sale going on, but that didn't interest her. She trotted briskly over to where the quills were stored, near the back. Her eyes scrolled through the available quills, until she saw one she liked, dark black in color. It was probably from a raven, one who shall speak nevermore. She payed for it and exited the store.
Ditzy looked up into the sky and saw it was getting late. As she started flying back home, she pondered all of the things she could do with the thing she was carrying. "Derp Note? Just how much power could one little notebook have? It couldn't possibly do that much, right?" she thought as she landed right in front of her house. She walked inside the house, and walked up to her kitchen table. She put the notebook onto the table, and laid the quill beside it. "Now, what was I supposed to do?" she wondered absentmindedly. "Oh yes, that's it. Write the name of the pony, and have a clear image of her face while doing so. After forty seconds, the pony shall Derp. How oddly specific," she commented as she reread the rules, before starting to write 'Lyra Heartstrings.'
As she got close to the end of Heartstrings, a sudden realization occurred to her. "Wait... how am I going to even know what happens to her? I don't even know where she lives. I'd better head to the post office and find out," she thought, stopping herself before she finished the final S in Heartstrings. She put her quill behind her ear, picked up the notebook once more, and walked out of her house, a plan forming in her mind.
Ditzy headed towards the post office, glad it was still open, even this late in the day. Entering, she flew straight over to where the addresses were kept, inside a filing cabinet, and ignored the inquisitive glances of the other mailponies whose shifts hadn't finished yet. Taking a quick look at the cabinet, she pulled out the drawer with a large 'H' emblazoned on it. Flicking through the files, she finally found Heartstrings. "1234 Harp Street, Canterlot. 1234? That sounds like the combination an idiot would have on his safe," Ditzy said out loud, not noticing somepony right behind her.
"1234?! That's the combination to my safe! Can anyone cover my shift? I've got to go! I'll see you all later!" he yelled, running out of the post office upon hearing what Ditzy had said. Everypony else in the post office just groaned, and got back to doing whatever they had been doing before the interruption. One even muttered something about how annoying and frequent these types of things were.
As she exited the post office, she took a few moments to reflect on her plan. "Is what I am doing right? I mean, I still don't know what this thing even does. For all I know, it could do absolutely nothing, or even backfire and affect me. But I have to try, if only for the possibility of having my revenge on those who picked on me because of my eyes. And my revenge shall be sweet, should it happen. And with any luck, it will," she hoped.
A few minutes later, Ditzy found herself flying over Canterlot, looking for Harp Street. Now, this may seem off, but the post office was surprisingly close to Canterlot, as they had to deliver there from time to time. Fortunately for Ditzy, the universe felt kind, and allowed her to find Harp Street quickly. Landing, she started to look around the street, for Lyra's house. As luck would have it, it was right behind her. She looked into the window and saw both Lyra and Bonbon. "Perfect. Now I can find out the true power of the Derp Note, and how other ponies would react to it!" Ditzy cackled, in a manner that could only be described as evil. Evil laughter was apparently a side effect of prolonged exposure to the Derp Note. Laying the notebook onto a nearby crate, she finished the final S. Peaking into the window, she started to slowly count down from forty.
40... 39... 38...
Lyra looked out the window, and muttered to herself, "I could have sworn I heard a voice come from outside." Fortunately for Ditzy, Lyra had done this just after Ditzy ducked down, realizing that she could easily be seen. So when Lyra looked outside, she didn't see anypony, and added to her previous statement, "I suppose it was my imagination then. Or maybe it was Bonbon." Bonbon obliviously continued to read her newspaper, not having heard what Lyra had said.
37... 36... 35...
Ditzy continued to count down, barely able to contain her excitement. The very idea of such a notebook enthralled her. She continued to hope that it would have some sort of desirable effect.
34... 33... 32...
Celestia looked out over Canterlot, and wondered if either her or her faithful student would be invited to one of Prince Bluebloods' parties anytime soon. She dreaded the very thought of it. Those parties were even more boring than the Grand Galloping Gala, and that's saying something.
31... 30... 29...
Bluebloods' ears started to ring, as he looked around wondering which pony was talking about him. As the ringing continued it became more annoying. However, he wouldn't let that stop him, as he had something on his mind: the party he was throwing. He was convinced he could make it better than most Canterlot parties, which had a reputation of being extremely boring. Of course, he did have competition, in the form of Pinkie's party, which was being thrown on the same day as his, tomorrow, but he didn't know that. Even if he did, he wouldn't let that stop him.
28... 27... 26...
Over in Ponyville, Twilight got out of bed, stretched, looked around her library, and exclaimed, "Spike! This feels like one of those days where absolutely nothing could go wrong!" There were several wrong facts with this. First and foremost was that it was late in the day, and she only thought it was tommorow. The second was that the very act of saying that tended to cause things to go badly.
25... 24... 23...
Spike shot out of his bed when he heard his name, but went back to huddling under the covers when Twilight finished. "Twilight, please don't say that. That's like saying don't look down. This means something bad WILL happen now!" he warned. Spike was right here, not that he knew it.
22... 21... 20...
"Oh Spike you silly dragon, you don't really believe that, do you?" Twilight asked, in the tone of voice a mother uses when confronted with a foal who has just asked a silly question.
19... 18... 17...
"I... suppose not," Spike replied, hesitantly poking his head from under the covers.
16... 15... 14...
"Well then, get out from under your covers, and help me with my preparations," Twilight said, as she picked up a list with her magic, "We have a big day ahead of ourselves."
13... 12... 11...
Spike hopped out of his bed, and looked out of the window. "You... do know that it's still pretty late into the day, almost night time? And that Pinkie's party is tomorrow, right?" he asked, looking at Twilight in confusion. Twilight, upon looking out of the window, facehoofed, and flopped onto the bed, exhausted, her plans for the morning still in her head.
10... 9... 8...
Back in Canterlot, Ditzy was still counting down. She started to tremble in anticipation, as she reached the single digits. She could barely take the suspense.
7... 6... 5...
Bonbon continued to read the newspaper she had picked up earlier. "Fire Spreads in Neigh Jersey. No One Seems to Care " was the main headline. Bonbon didn't care either. Probably because of the main reason she had picked up the newspaper: to ignore Lyra. That, and nopony seemed to care about Neigh Jersey.
4... 3... 2...
Lyra suddenly felt a bit queasy, and started frantically looking for a glass of water, hoping it would help.
1...
Ditzy trembled even harder, as she was onto the final second. She intently stared into the window, hoping against hope that the Derp Note would do something.
Author's Note
Rewrite One: Visions of a Derpigami, part one!
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2 - In which Ditzy Delivers Flyers, Attends a Party, and Makes a Choice
0!
Lyra's eyes suddenly crossed; she crashed into Bonbon's chair, flipping it and Bonbon over, and said in a changed voice, "I just don't know what went wrong." Her eyes remained crossed even after she had picked herself up from the floor.
Bonbon yelled, "Lyra!? What has come over you?!" as she picked herself up from the floor. She was rather angry, justifiably so; she had just found an actually interesting article as Lyra crashed into her.
"I really don't know," replied Lyra, her voice still at an odd pitch. She looked around, and shook her head as if to clear it. All that resulted from this was her getting dizzy, and her eyes crossing more than before.
"And what is wrong with your eyes? They aren't supposed to cross like that!" said the ever-observant Bonbon, as she noticed Lyra's weird eyes. As was her luck, at the exact moment of asking, Lyra's eyes went uncrossed. This was the power of the Derp Note fading.
"I... really don't know. I'm feeling very confused right about now," Lyra responded, sounding as confused as she felt.
Outside, Ditzy watched both Lyra and Bonbon talk. She immediately formed an idea about her situation. "The universe must hate me. That's the only possibility. It's the only explanation that makes sense!" she yelled. Fortunately, no pony was around to hear her outbursts of anger toward the universe. Unfortunately, however, the universe had heard her. Had Ditzy known that, she would have immediately taken back everything she had just said.
It started raining. Heavily. Ditzy mumbled to herself about how much she hated rain. This, of course, caused it to rain even more than before. It's an almost well known fact that it will start raining more if you say you hate the rain. However, Ditzy was one of the few ponies who didn't know that. "Where do I go now?" Ditzy pondered to herself, as she flew through the rain. As she continued to wonder, she flew past Sugar Cube Corner, and noticed something out of the corner of her eye. Landing next to the wall, she noticed there was a flyer on it, and tore it off. Quickly scanning it, she summarized the contents to herself, "Pinkie is having a party at Sugar Cube Corner at 12 PM tomorrow. Everypony in Ponyville is invited. Surprise planned for everypony who attends." After she was finished summarizing, she decided she should attend. The surprise seemed quote intriguing, and she was hoping she might be lucky enough to bump into somepony there who would actually be able to help her with her problem. Plus, Pinkie Pie muffins. Pinkie Pie muffins make everything better.
Ditzy flew back to her house, feeling tired and very confused. "How... is this even possible? Just how can a notebook cause somepony to imitate me? One who doesn't even know who I am for that matter! It makes no sense whatsoever!" she complained, as she entered her house. Walking over to her bed, she flopped onto it, not even bothering with the covers. She was so tired she couldn't be bothered to do anything else. So tired, in fact, she fell asleep soon afterwards, her dreams filled with muffins.
The next day, after eating her breakfast muffin, Ditzy flew over to the post office. When she arrived, she was greeted with the sight of a huge stack of fliers piled haphazardly one on top of the other. She groaned at the thought of delivering all those flyers which she knew without being told was going to be her job for the day. Her boss, a pony who liked to state the obvious, told her, "You're to deliver these flyers to all the Ponyvillians who have not yet had a chance to read it. We have been sent a list of the remaining ponies. How, exactly, this information is known is beyond me," he said, as he handed her the list and continued, "Also, I am sorry to tell you this, but you will be the only pony delivering flyers. Everypony else is either busy, or has taken the day off. One even said he had yet to change the combination on his safe."
Ditzy looked over the list twice, before asking in a confused tone, "But there are only three names on this list. Why do we have so many flyers?"
"Well, I'm a bit embarrassed to say this, but it turns out that we ordered enough flyers for ALL of Ponyville, not just the three who didn't have one. Unfortunately, there are no refunds, so we are stuck with these extra fliers until the next party." Knowing him, Ditzy knew that she would be the one altering all those flyers when the next party was announced.
"And by we you mean... yourself?" Ditzy guessed, even though she was pretty sure about it. Her smugness regarding these types of things was probably one of the reasons ponies persistently picked on her. But it was mostly her eyes.
"I- that is to say- I mean... Hey, you're just stalling! Go and deliver those flyers!" her boss stammered, trying not to sound embarrassed.
"Fine," Ditzy replied, grabbing her mailbag, sticking three flyers into it, and walking out. If it wasn't for the fact that she only had to deliver the flyers to three ponies, she would be complaining right about now. "So, first on the list is... Carrot Top, eh? Well, here I go!" Ditzy thought, as she flew over to where Carrot Top's house was and put a flier into the mailbox. She repeated this process for Colgate, the dentist, and Time Turner, the resident doctor. On her way back from the doctor's, she passed Twilight's library. She stared at it for a few moments, muttered, "What a nice tree. It would really be a shame should something happen to it," and continued flying back to the post office.
Her boss looked at her for a few seconds, not doing anything but blinking. "That... was surprisingly fast," he said, sounding quite surprised. He couldn't be more surprised even if he had suddenly turned into a white pegasus mare with a yellow mane. Had the universe felt like it, in fact, that's probably what would have happened. But its anger was still directed towards Ditzy.
"That really shouldn't surprise you. You know I'm a fast flier," Ditzy said, looking impatiently towards the clock on the wall. "Thirty minutes until the party? Well, good thing I don't have anything else to do," she thought to herself.
As if to confirm her thought, her boss said, "Well, since you have managed to do that... you've got the rest of the day off. I'm sure you want to go to that party, right?"
"However did you guess?" Ditzy asked sarcastically. She left the post office before giving him a chance to retort. She reasoned he probably wouldn't even get the sarcasm. It was almost certainly the reason why she still had her job, and why she kept being sarcastic to him. As she exited the post office, she saw Lyra again. She ducked into a nearby back alley, until she remembered that she could fly. She sheepishly took off from the ground, and headed towards her house. Her goals at that moment were to retrieve the Derp Note and attend the party.
Ditzy reached her house without any noteworthy incidents. As she was entering, her stomach expressed its distress and called for something to fill it. She went to a cupboard marked 'Muffins' and pulled out a blueberry muffin, her favorite type. A few seconds later, with her hunger satisfied, she picked the Derp Note up, and put it into her mail bag. She trotted outside, and looked at the town clock. "Wow. Only 5 minutes left to go. Well, good thing no pony will mind me showing up a bit early," she thought to herself, as she headed over towards Sugar Cube Corner.
When she arrived, she was slightly surprised to see a large crowd of ponies already inside. She entered and sat on a nearby seat. She looked around at all the bustling ponies, and wondered just why they couldn't be still. She also noticed a makeshift stage in the center of the store. She figured that would be where Pinkie Pie would pop out. As it started to grow closer to twelve, ponies started taking the proffered seats, and glance nervously at the stage. Ditzy spotted five rather famous figures, at least by most of Ponyville's reckoning. Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack and Rarity. Ditzy wasn't surprised that Pinkie wasn't among them. By a pure coincidence, Twilight took the seat right in front of Ditzys' seat. Ditzy considered leaning in towards Twilight, and whispering, "I'm Ditzy!" but decided against it.
Finally, as twelve grew even closer, Ditzy could hear the sound of machinery being set up. Looking at the clock she saw there were still two minutes to go. After what felt like an eternity stretched into two minutes, Ditzy adjusted herself into a more comfortable position and waited for whatever Pinkie was going to do.
Suddenly, the curtains on the stage were drawn back, revealing Pinkie. Expect it wasn't quite Pinkie. This was a Pinkie Pie who had wings. She started to flying around the stage, doing tricks and the like. Almost everypony in the audience gasped, Ditzy included. She noticed, however, that Pinkie never left the boundaries of the stage. After a few minutes of flying around, the pink pegasus landed back on the stage.
Ditzy, and the rest of the ponies in the crowd, stared in amazement as Pinkie pulled off her wings, and left them lying on the stage. "How did you do that?" A pony in the crowd asked, sounding as confused as any pony would be, if they just saw a pegasus turn into an earth pony.
Pinkie replied with a laugh, "Silly! I used a system of pulleys and ropes to fly. The ropes were invisible, of course. I call it... Pinkie Ex Machina!" and walked off stage. Twilight facehooved upon hearing the name for the device, for reasons Ditzy couldn't figure out. After a few moments, the crowd of ponies started to get up, realizing that that had been the surprise. They each took a cookie and a cup of punch as they were leaving, both of which were near the door.
When almost eveypony had filed out, only two remained. Ditzy and Twilight. Ditzy, because she wanted to talk with Twilight, and Twilight because she was the one who had to clean up after the party. Ditzy walked up to Twilight, and tapped her on the shoulder, just as Twilight was staring at the stage which needed to be torn down. Twilight jumped, as she hadn't noticed any other pony had remained. She turned around to face her, a look of surprise upon her face.
"Oh, it's you. You're the mail mare, right?" Twilight asked, realizing who it was.
"Yup, that's me! Ditzy Doo the mail mare!" Ditzy replied, wondering how to phrase her next question.
"So... uh, how can I help you?" Twilight inquired.
"I have something I need your help with. It's... hard to explain, honestly. It'll be easier if I just show you," Ditzy said, as she pulled the notebook out of her mailbag.
"What's that? And why does it say Derp Note on it?" asked an ecstatic Twilight, hoping she would get a chance to study it. It seemed like such a curious artifact that she just couldn't wait to get her hooves on it and use it.
"This? This is my problem. Here, let me tell you of its origin," Ditzy said, as she proceeded to tell Twilight the whole story.
"...And that's why I'm here talking with you. I'm hoping you can send this back to wherever it came from."
"Why... this is incredible! I really must study this book, and figure out how it works. So, can you lend it to me?"
"You weren't listening to the last part of that, were you? I want you to send it back as soon as possible, not study it!" Ditzy said, starting to get annoyed with Twilight.
"Oh, I suppose I did zone out there," Twilight said, realizing that she had started to ponder using it. "So, you want me to send this thing back, right? Well, can you hand it over here?" she asked, reaching out a hoof to take it.
"Sure," Ditzy said, as she started to hand the notebook over. A voice suddenly echoed in her head, unknown to her, and obviously not heard by Twilight.
"Why be so foolish? Keep the notebook for yourself, and use it to exact that revenge you had planned. It's not like anypony except for Twilight here will know what's happening," the mysterious voice told Ditzy.
"Who are you? And how come only I can hear you?" Ditzy asked the voice in her head.
"Who? What is a better word. And neither of these two things concern you right now. However, if you wish to continue in your use of the Derp Note, go back to your house," the voice told her.
"What... is going on? What is this mysterious voice? And... should I listen?" Ditzy pondered to herself. Her hoof stopped in mid air. She now had two choices: the mysterious voice, and its offer, or her own reservations about it. There was something so oddly compelling resonating in the mysterious voice. She couldn't quite describe what it felt like, only that it was compelling her to return to using the note.
Finally, she came to a decision.
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3 - In which Twilight Starts her Investigation, and Ditzy Finds the Source of the Voice in her Head
Ditzy retracted her extended hoof, and stuffed the Derp Note back into her mailbag. "Sorry, I gotta go, see you later," she said, as she flew out of Sugar Cube Corner, leaving a very confused Twilight behind her. She was headed for her house, to confront this mysterious voice. She had no idea as to what it could be, since she hadn't read very far into the rules of the Derp Note.
While Ditzy was flying home, Twilight was trying to process what had just happened. "I- she- what?! Gah! I... just don't know! She was just about to hand it over, but then she changed her mind. Why would she do that?!" Twilight thought to herself, as she paced frantically around Sugar Cube Corner. "And another thing, who does she think she is, using that notebook on other ponies? She wasn't even doing it in the name of science, like I would have," she said out loud, as she started to get worked up. "Why, that's it," she shouted, "I shall get the note back from her, and study it, for science."
Twilight left Sugar Cube Corner, with one goal in mind: the retrieval of the Derp Note.
By now, Ditzy had landed near her house. She walked to the front door, and tentatively opened it, not sure what to expect. She peeked inside, but, to her slight disappointment, didn't see anypony. Or anything for that matter. She did, however, hear a rattling sound coming from the kitchen. She entered the house, and headed to the kitchen. A few seconds later, there was a loud thunk. Ditzy had fainted from shock.
What she had seen was a Derpigami.
A quick note is needed here as to what a Derpigami is. Now, when the Derp Note fell into the Equestrian universe, the universe felt a sudden need for a shinigami, as all Death Notes require one. However, since this universe could barely handle a Death Note, it couldn't handle a shinigami either. It wouldn't dare try and open a portal, who knows what could have fallen through. So, it decided to create one of its own. To match the nature of the Derp Note, it created a Derpigami. That is to say, a god of Derp.
It was a tall bipedal creature. The universe really didn't like to have to create things out of thin air, so it hadn't been very generous when it came to the looks department. Its head was egg shaped, with no nose, crossed eyes to indicate its status as a Derpigami, and a misshapen mouth. It had a long skinny body which was covered with spikes, evenly distributed around its body. Seeing something like this rifling around her cupboards was more than enough reason for Ditzy to faint.
As Ditzy regained consciousnesses, she slowly opened her eyes, hoping what she had seen was some sort of illusion, created by her mind to cope with the stress. As it was still there by the time she had fully opened her eyes, she realized that, sadly, that wasn't the case. She got up, cautiously walked over to it, and asked, "What... are you?"
"I am a Derpigami. A god of Derp. Whatever that is. That's all I know," it said, apologetically.
"Hold on... a god of what, exactly?" Ditzy asked, not sure if she had heard it properly. She hoped she hadn't.
"A god of Derp, like I said," it replied, wondering if it hadn't spoken loud enough.
"That's what I thought," Ditzy said. She realized that this was not one of her best days. "Now, why are you here?" she asked the Derpigami, "and do you have a name?"
"Allow me to answer your second question first. My name is...," it thought for a few minutes, "Xanderppe. Now, to answer your first question, do you remember that voice you heard a little while ago?"
"Yes, I do... Hey, hold on a minute. YOU are that voice I heard?" Ditzy asked, realizing that would make sense, and explain a few things. Like what a Derpigami was doing in her kitchen rifling through her cupboards.
"Yes, that was me. My main task would appear to be, to get you to use the notebook." Xanderppe said, then quickly added, "You wouldn't happen to have a muffin on you?"
"A... muffin?" Ditzy said, confused, "Sure, I have muffins." She pointed to the cupboard with the muffin picture above it, "They're in there."
"Thanks," Xanderppe said, rushing over towards the cabinet, and taking a muffin from it. He vigorously ate it, relishing every bite, "You have no idea how much I love these things."
"You're... welcome?" Ditzy said, still just as confused. She hadn't been expecting anything like this to happen. All she had wanted to do was possibly get revenge on a few coworkers who had taunted her one too many times. But now, with all these things going on, it was starting to be a bit too much for her to handle.
"Now, remember, I'm here to persuade you to use the notebook. Would you mind telling me why you stopped using it after just one time?" he asked, sounding concerned.
"Don't you know? I mean, you knew that Lyra had imitated me, after I wrote her name into the notebook," she asked, puzzled.
That same voice that she had heard earlier entered her head again, "You see, it seems that I have the ability to speak directly into your head, and look through your memories. I just figured it would be nicer to ask you." Ditzy realized that this voice was Xanderppe's.
"Well, it seems like you know my reasons. So, why should I use the Derp Note?"
"It's simple, really. You still want to use the note, and the only reason you won't, is because you're afraid the effects would be traced back to you. Let me assure you now, they won't be. I, of all things, should know."
Ditzy just blinked as she realized that he was correct. Xanderppe grinned, as he realized the thought process Ditzy was going through. She walked over to the muffin cupboard, pulled one out, and started eating it. After she had finished, she spoke out, "You were correct, it seems. I'll take your word for it now. So, are we a team?" she asked the Derpigami, wondering what his reply would be.
"I am not allowed to help or hinder you, in this case. However, we shall be partners," Xanderppe said, then adding, "A handshake for a glorious new partnership?" and offered his hand.
"Handshake? Let us go with a hoofshake, But yes, for a glorious new partnership," she said, taking the proffered hand with her front left hoof, and shook it firmly.
As they were talking, the sun started setting. As they finished, Ditzy walked outside, and started into the sunset. "A glorious sunset to commemorate a glorious partnership!" she exclaimed. She then walked back inside, and went to bed. She had had a stressful day, after all. Xanderppe floated over to where she was sleeping, and smiled, "Oh how fun these ponies are! I shall enjoy this to the fullest."
Whilst this was going on, Twilight was carrying out an investigation of her own. Her first stop was in Canterlot, to interview the first victim. She figured she might get some useful information from Lyra which would help her in finding Ditzy Doo. She was prepared to ask as many questions as necessary in order to figure out what the effects were. What she wasn't prepared for, however, was Bonbon.
"What do you mean, you can't let me see her?" Twilight asked Bonbon, who was blocking the door to the apartment.
"I mean what I said, and I say what I mean. You can't see her," said Bonbon, still obstinately blocking the door.
"But why? That's what I want to know," said Twilight, trying to maneuver around Bonbon.
"Because, right now, she's sick, and she doesn't need the likes of you poking around here," Bonbon said, skillfully blocking all of Twilight's attempts.
"I think you're misunderstanding the reason as to why I'm here," Twilight said, "I'm here to figure out what happened to Lyra."
"Oh really?" asked Bonbon, not convinced that Twilight was telling the truth, "Then would you mind explaining how you knew that something had happened to her? All I said was that she was sick."
"I... heard about it. Yeah, that's it, I heard about somepony crashing about her house, and I wanted to investigate," lied Twilight, badly.
"Is that so?" Bonbon asked. She realized that Twilight wasn't going to be leaving any time soon, and figured that she couldn't do any real harm. "In that case, come right in, Miss...?"
"Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle." She was glad she had been allowed access to Lyra, and was ready to begin her investigation.
"Really? You're that Twilight? I... thought you were taller," said Bonbon, suddenly realizing who, exactly, she was talking to. She was slightly in awe, but still not willing to be much nicer.
"Yes, I am that Twilight. And it's surprising how many ponies think I am taller than I actually am. Now, you were showing me where Lyra is, right?"
"Oh yes, right this way," Bonbon said, leading the way into the apartment, "She's right over there," she said, pointing to a bed with a vaguely pony shaped lump under the covers.
Twilight followed Bonbon, and walked over to the bed. She slowly pulled back the covers, wondering what she would see. "Oh my, you're in much worse shape than I had imagined."
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4 - Enemies become friends, and investigations start.
4 - Enemies become friends, and investigations start.
What Twilight saw, was a changed Lyra. It seemed the Derp Note had long term side-effects. Her eyes were now extremely crossed, almost pointing directly at each other. She was also sweating, like she had a fever of sort. Twilight cast a quick diagnostic spell over Lyra, hoping to find a reasonable cause.
"Curious... I can't detect anything wrong with her," Twilight said, after receiving the results of the spell.
"Really?" asked Bonbon, "I wasn't letting any pony in because I was afraid it was contagious."
"That begs the question. Why did you remain?" Twilight asked, puzzled as to why Bonbon hadn't just called a doctor.
"Just because I don't like her, doesn't mean that I'd leave her here, on her own. And I didn't think any doctors would be able to help her."
"And why did you think that?"
"With her eyes like that, I doubted it was any natural disease. Do you know what might have caused this?" Bonbon asked, suddenly suspicious.
"Me? Oh, no idea in the slightest!" lied Twilight. Badly. She wasn't Applejack, but she wasn't very good at lying.
"Oh really?" inquired Bonbon, eyebrow raised.
"Really!" Twilight insisted. She realized Bonbon had probably seen through her lie.
"Uh-huh," Bonbon replied, eyebrow raised, even higher. The only way it could have gone higher, was for it to fly off of her head. This might have happened, but the universe was in no such mood.
"Well, I've got to go now. With any luck, I'll have Lyra cured soon," Twilight yelled as she ran quickly out the apartment. Bonbon was starting to scare her and remind her uncannily of Applejack. She didn't stop running until she reached her tree house, and even then, she only slowed down a little. She spent the rest of the day studying, looking up diseases, and coming up for a plan to deal with Ditzy Doo.
Bonbon, for her part, locked the door to the apartment. She then walked over to Lyra, and stroked her comfortingly with her hoof. "You know, I still don't like you that much. But I hate seeing you like this. And don't think for a second that I'd be talking to you like this if you were awake," she said, very quietly, afraid to wake up Lyra, who was, at this point, just snoring clearly asleep.
The next day started with a glorious sunrise, thanks to Princess Celestia. She was in a whimsical mood that day, and decided to start the day with a sunrise to reflect that.
Over at Ditzy's house, Ditzy woke up, and went about her morning routine accompanied by Xanderppe. This didn't bother her, as she managed to ignore him for the most part. Xanderppe just hovered around, waiting for Ditzy to finish. He wanted to get started on derping ponies. It was the only thing he really could do, and thus the most fun.
When Ditzy had finally finished, she walked out of her house, and flew toward the post office, with the Derp Note in her bag. Xanderppe followed, relieved at not having to be cooped up any longer. He was ready for some excitement.
When she reached the post office, there was a letter taped to the door, addressed to her. The return address was unusual as it was just the letter T. She took down the letter and headed inside to her work station to read it.
Dear Ditzella Esmeralda Doo,
I know what you are planning. I urge that you reconsider. The consequences of your actions are not to be taken lightly, and the repercussions of such actions will not be good. If you reconsider, put the Note next to the letter, and then let go of both. If you decide to continue in your foolish path of revenge, just let the letter go. Signed, T.
"Ooo, intrigue!" Xanderppe remarked, reading over Ditzy's shoulder. "Your name is Ditzella? Why call yourself Ditzy?"
"Simple, really. Ditzella is too much of a mouthful. I'm surprised whoever wrote this letter knew my name, as I don't use it at all," Ditzy said. The universe would like to quickly state that it does agree with Ditzy here, and shall continue to call her that. "T, eh? If this T is really who I think it is, she's clearly not as smart as she thinks she is," Ditzy thought to herself, as she let the letter go. It drifted on a breeze, which hadn't been there earlier, then burst into green flames, and disappeared. Ditzy didn't notice any ashes, so she surmised that it had returned to whomever had stuck it to the door.
"You're in early," said her boss, walking past her. His penchant for stating the obvious was one that annoyed those around him. Ditzy was no exception. He walked over to his desk and took a seat. "Well, what are you waiting for? Start sorting," he said to Ditzy, and gestured at the pile of letters on her desk.
"Yes, sir," she said, careful not to let her annoyance seep into her voice. She picked up a letter, read who it was addressed to, and put it into a pile. This continued for a while, until she reached the last letter. It was addressed to Twilight. Ditzy found this odd, due to the fact if any pony wanted to send a letter to Twilight, they could just send it via Dragon's Fire. She shrugged, picked up all the letters, with Twilight's at the top, and headed out, Xanderppe not far behind. Any excuse to visit Twilight was enough for Ditzy.
Twilight was awoken by the sound of knocking on her door. She had spent a large portion of the previous night studying, and formulating a plan. She ended up falling asleep at her desk. She rose with a start, several papers following her, one stuck onto her cheek. "Hold on! I'll be there in a minute!" she yelled at whoever had knocked at the door.
She pulled off the paper, ran into the bathroom to make sure she was presentable- she was -and ran back to the door. She opened it and was faced with a rather gray sight. That is to say, Ditzy Doo, with the letter for her. Twilight took a quick step back, unsure as to why Ditzy was there, and voiced her confusion thusly, "Why are you here?"
"You of all ponies should know why," came the reply.
"As cliched as this response is, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," Twilight responded, truly confused.
"You really expect me to believe that? I mean, really?" Ditzy asked, offended by the notion. For his part, Xanderppe just shrugged, and thought of muffins.
"I honestly do. I really have no idea what you are talking about."
"Uh-huh," said Ditzy, eyebrow raised. This caused Twilight to take an inadvertent step back, due to the similarities to Bonbon and by continuation, Applejack. "So, you're telling me that a letter signed T, which has no return address, which openly references the Derp Note, and which disappeared in a burst of green fire, which, coincidentally, is the exact same color as your dragon's.... ISN'T from you?" Ditzy continued, starting to get really annoyed.
Twilight blinked for a few moments, at the sheer coincidence of all these things happening. "That... does sound like something I'd do, I'll admit. But you have to believe me, I played no part in this."
Ditzy just stared at her for a few minutes. "You know what? I'm going to have to believe you. No pony as smart as you would be stupid enough to tell such a blatant lie like that. And you don't seem like a good enough liar, honestly. But if it wasn't you... who else could it be?" she asked, not exactly trusting Twilight.
"I'm flattered," deadpanned Twilight, "as to who it could be, I don't know. I'm the only one who knows of your note, unless you want to suggest that there is another Note out there."
"Working off that assumption, how would you tell?" Ditzy asked, curious.
"Well, I'd need your Note. I would scan it for its unique signature, and then search for it elsewhere. So, can you hand it over?"
"Okay..." said Ditzy, wearily. She handed it over to Twilight, who took it from her.
"Thank yoUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!" Twilight screamed in fear, soon devolving into a shrill shriek of fright. Ditzy took it upon herself to slap Twilight. "Thank you. I needed that. Now... What in Starswirl's Beard is THAT?!" she asked, pointing to Xanderppe.
A voice drafted into Ditzy's head, "Apparently, those who touch the Derp Note can see me."
Ditzy muttered, "A little late on that, aren't you?" then said out loud, "That is Xanderppe. He's a... Derpigami."
"A what?"
"A Derpigami. If he's to be trusted, that means he's a god of Derp."
"I'll go into why that's scientifically impossible later, Ditzy. For now," Twilight started, as she cast a spell, "I'll see if there are any more Derp Notes." Several seconds past. Then a minute. Then another. Finally, an exhausted Twilight said, "Well, I can be pretty sure that there are no other Derp Notes in a large radius."
"How large, exactly? And why did it take you so long?" Ditzy inquired.
"I... honestly don't know. I cast the spell as long as I could until I had to stop. I can safely say that there are no other Derp Notes in Ponyville, or any of the surrounding areas."
"I see. So, what other possible explanation is there?"
"Hm... why, that's it!" yelled Twilight, bolting to her door, quickly casting a spell.
"That's what?" asked Ditzy, a look of confusion on her face, increased by a sudden derpage in her eyes.
"Why, it's the only possible explanation for what's going on. Ah ha!" exclaimed a triumphant Twilight.
"Ah ha, WHAT?!" asked Ditzy, wishing Twilight would just explain.
"Ah ha, this!" Twilight said, levitating a small, silver-blue hair in front of Ditzy, "And that's not all. I have a security spell cast over my door, which registers whoever passes through it. And guess what? It registered an unknown pony last night! I must have fallen asleep when they entered. They probably looked over my research on the Derp Note, and decided to post that letter," Twilight explained.
"But... why?" Ditzy asked
"It's simple, really. Whoever put that letter there must really dislike the whole concept of you Derping ponies. More than I, anyway. And for what it matters, I have a good idea as to who it could be. One question though. Did the letter look like it was written by horn?"
"Yes, it did. It looked far too fancy to have been written by mouth," replied Ditzy.
"Perfect! Then that means it's almost certainly her," said Twilight, to a confused Ditzy.
"Who?" asked Ditzy.
"Oh... Um. I'll explain to you later, OK?" a nervous Twilight asked.
"Sure..." Ditzy trailed off, a sudden realization striking her, "Hold on. If we are going to chase after whoever did this, there's one thing I need to do first."
"What?" Twilight wondered, not thinking of anything Ditzy needed to do.
"This," Ditzy sheepishly gestured to her mailbag, brimming with letters.
"Oh. Well, once you are done then, we shall depart!" Twilight exclaimed, letting the excitement get to her a bit too much.
After hearing this, Ditzy slung the mailbag over her shoulder, and departed.
A while later, and Ditzy was half-way done. She was still pondering helping Twilight, and was discussing it with Xanderppe, "I'm just not sure if I should or not. It all boils down to how much I trust her, really."
"If it's that much of a problem, why even talk to her for as long as you did?" Xanderppe asked.
"Well, I wanted to know! Any pony who would threaten me must know about the Note, and I wanted to know who that was."
"If you say so," said Xanderppe, wondering why Ditzy would even attempt lying, knowing he could read her thoughts. Whilst they were conversing, Ditzy was delivering mail. She slipped into her thoughts whenever any pony approached her, to make sure it didn't look like she was talking to herself.
A short time later, she was finally done. She flew back over to Twilight's library, and knocked on the door. She was greeted by a sight of sheer white caused by all the papers which were stacked up against the door, no doubt. Ditzy waded through the papers, and accosted an amused Twilight, "What are all those papers doing here?"
"Oh, I just had to do a bit more research," she sheepishly stated.
"On what, exactly?"
"Oh, just a small matter. With any luck we won't need to worry about it!"
"Uh-huh," said a disbelieving Ditzy, "So, are we going?"
"Yes, yes! I sent Spike out on some errands, so I don't need to worry about him. I certainly don't want him to be in any danger," said Twilight, as they started off. A little while later they stopped in front of a wagon. Twilight walked up the steps, and knocked on the door.
Author's Note
I'd like to apologize for this chapter taking so long. I had a bit of trouble writing it.
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5 - The Greatest and Most Powerful Chapter, in Which the Culprit is Found
As Ditzy and Twilight were standing outside the trailer, awaiting a response from whomever lived inside, it started to rain. It was almost as if the universe sensed Ditzy's bitter mood. She still didn't trust Twilight, but under the current circumstances she had no choice. Another pony knowing of the Derp Note was not a good thing.
"So who is this pony? The one you suspect?" she asked Twilight, as they both stood on the steps leading towards the wagon's door.
"Trixie, the so called great and powerful. Oh, and I forgot to tell you this. Some of my notes on the Derp Note were stolen. If we can find the pony who stole them, we'll find the pony who threatened you!" replied Twilight, turning to look at Ditzy. To be honest, Twilight still didn't trust her that much. At least while she carried the Derp Note, and was followed by that absurd creature, Xanderppe. The Note seemed exactly like the kind of evil artifact that would corrupt whomsoever was to use it. She wished Ditzy had allowed her to study it for awhile, to see if it had any adverse affects.
"You don't mean that travelling magician who you showed up awhile back, do you?" asked Ditzy. She groaned, for the name of The Great and Powerful Trixie was not one quickly forgotten.
The Derp Note was currently in Ditzys' mailbag, which was slung over her shoulder. She readjusted the mailbag, and thought about pulling it out, but she wanted Twilight to trust her, for now at least, so she figured it would be safer if she didn't use it.
"Do you really value her trust that much?" the voice of Xanderppe crept into her mind, and whispered out those insidious words.
Before Ditzy got a chance to reply, the door to the wagon slowly swung open, with a single menacing creak. "You'd think Trixie would take greater care of her wagon, wouldn't you?" asked Ditzy, trying to not act as afraid as she felt. A feeble light escaped from the open doorway, which was surprising as it seemed no pony was home.
"You'd think so, yes," Twilight muttered, as she stepped into the wagon. It was surprisingly spacious for a showmare's travelling wagon. There was a small bed, with a blue blanket on top of it, on the left side of the cabin, and a small table to the side of it. In what could be considered the middle of the wagon, there was what appeared to be a faux Ursa Major skin rug, on top of which was a large table. Covering the table was a blue tablecloth and on top of that was a candelabra, complete with candles, two completely burnt out, and the third one feebly flickering on. "Well, that's not very safe," Twilight observed, as she walked a bit further into the cabin.
"Are you sure we should actually be doing this?" Ditzy asked, as she followed Twilight into the wagon. Looking around, she had to admit the place wasn't that bad. Although she couldn't imagine anypony living in it, day in and day out.
"Well, it's not like we broke open the door or anything, right? It just swung open, and we're investigating! Now, come help me open this, will you?" Twilight replied, as she gestured towards a chest she had found taking up most of the right side of the wagon. She was almost positive that her stolen notes would be found in this chest.
Ditzy sighed as she trotted over towards Twilight. The chest was locked tight, but Ditzy could see that the lock itself was enveloped in a magical aura, cast by Twilight. "Allow me," Ditzy said, before butting in, and taking a backwards run at the lock. The universe would like to note that there was a surprising amount of power to be found in her rump, which would explain why the lock burst open upon being hit.
"..." Twilight was left audibly speechless. Of course, she didn't know that her magic had weakened the lock, helping Ditzy. Realizing that complaining was meaningless, Twilight started to open the chest with her magic.
"Who goes there?!" exclaimed a mysterious voice, "who dares invade the house of Trixie the Great and Powerful?"
The universe notes that in the grand scheme of things, Trixie was neither that great, nor powerful, so herein she shall be referred to as simply Trixie.
"Stay here, and look through the chest, okay?" Twilight asked Ditzy as she stepped outside. Ditzy nodded, and started searching as Twilight spoke to Trixie, "It's me, Trixie." She hoped that the magician wouldn't react too unfavorably to her having been in her house. However, she underestimated Trixie's resentment.
"Why would you, the pony who DARED to show up The Great and Powerful Trixie, be anywhere near my wagon?" Trixie asked, clearly sounding frustrated. "Unless..." Trixie started to answer her own question, "you are here to admit that I AM the greatest unicorn in all of Equestria, and that you wish to become my pupil?"
"No, Trixie, that's not it," Twilight answered, as she held in a laugh. "Come on Ditzy, hurry up," she thought, as she took a quick look behind her.
Ditzy was currently emptying out the entire chest onto the table. Subtlety wasn't her finest point. But as she continued, all she found was magical props, a few bouquets of roses, and strangely enough, a picture of Twilight at the very back. "Well... that's weird," commented Ditzy as she took one last look through everything. Shrugging, she looked outside the window.
"-And just before I left last night, another stallion just happened to visit Trixie! Are you telling Trixe that this is just a pure coincidence?" asked Trixie, pointing an incriminating hoof at Twilight.
"Yes Trixie, this is a pure coincidence, and no, we are not secretly forming a cult to worship you and raise you to alicornhood," Twilight explained to Trixie. The size of Trixie's ego was staggering at times, almost too much to bare. She'd imagined that when Trixie had been run out of town, that her ego would have been deflated somewhat. Instead, almost the complete opposite had happened.
Fortunately for Twilight's sanity, she noticed Ditzy looking out the window behind her, not holding any papers. Trixie was paying too much attention to Twilight, that she didn't even see Ditzy sneak out of the wagon and fly away. Just as Trixie was about to start another tirade, Twilight rushed passed her, muttering a little too loudly, "So she didn't have my Derp Note research papers."
"Derp note? Trixie demands to know what you're talking about!" Trixie exclaimed at the quickly disappearing Twilight. Trixie then sighed, as she realized that there was no way she could catch up to Twilight, and returned to her wagon. "WHO DARED TO GO THROUGH THE BELONGINGS OF TRIXIE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL?!" Trixie's shout filled the air, almost rattling the wagon with it's volume.
As the two mares wandered back towards Twilight's library, they came across the resident horologist, Time Turner. And by came across, the universe actually means accidentally bumped into with great force. "Oh, I'm sorry!" exclaimed Twilight, as she was knocked back from the recoil. "I didn't see you there, I was busy talking with Ditzy," she explained, as she proffered a helping hoof towards him, for he had also fallen on the ground.
He gently pushed away her hoof, and got up. "I'm fine, I'm fine. Just... watch where you're going next time, okay? The same goes for you too, Ditzy," he said, looking at Ditzy, who was hovering in the sky, her face flushed with embarrassment.
Xanderppe, who was currently floating above Twilight, took one look at Ditzy and facepalmed, for as much as a Derpigami could. "Really...? That's how you feel about him? Those feelings will be a hindrance, trust me," he thought at Ditzy.
"Oh, quiet you!" she thought, aggravated at the Derpigami. "I'm sorry as well," Ditzy apologized, although it really wasn't her fault that Twilight had been too engrossed in conversing with her that she didn't see Time Turner.
"Well, it's fine. But you, Ditzy... you should be careful. Playing with fire is bound to get you burnt," Time Turner said, as he passed by Ditzy. His vague warning confused both Twilight and Ditzy.
As they continued walking back towards her library, Twilight said, "Ditzy... does Time Turner seem suspicious to you? He does to me."
"Well, I suppose the last thing he said sounded a little... off. But that's just him, really," said Ditzy, as they finally reached the library. Twilight walked over to one corner of it, and started casting a spell. Ditzy could see a faint purple magical field slowly expand from the corner, and start filling up the treebrary. A few seconds later, it had sped up and filled the entire first floor. "What's that for?" Ditzy inquired.
"To confirm my suspicions, unfortunately. As much as I'm sure you'll hate hearing this, it appears that Time Turner isn't as innocent as he seems," Ditzy started to interrupt, but Twilight held up a hoof. "Remember that security field that was activated last night? Well, I figured that if I amplified the magical power within it, I'd at least be able to find out the magical trace of the pony who tripped it. Each pony has their own unique magical trace, which they and only they have. Now, my security spell keeps a copy of each trace, every time it's activated. But it needs to be boosted to find the traces. And when I boosted it with my power... I found the trace of a certain Time Turner. I was so certain it was Trixie, I didn't do this last night... but I think I know what happened," Twilight explained. She seemed to take a lot of joy in explaining the spell, which was no surprise, considering she designed it herself.
"So... what happened?" Ditzy asked, not wanting to believe Twilight's words.
"I'll explain later. Right now, we have a pony to catch!" Twilight exclaimed, as she ran out of the door.
"This can't end well," muttered Ditzy, as she flew after Twilight, with Xanderppe floating behind her.
Author's Note
Irony, thy name is author's note.
Well here it is. Finally.
Surprisingly easy to write... after formulating a new plot.
Yeah.
Well, I'm glad I got it out.
