rainbow_dash_and_twiligh... Oh, screw it, I can't remember the name.
rainbow_dash_and_twiligh... Oh, screw it, I can't remember the name.
The cyan sky above was speckled with white clouds, adding a dry sense to the desert scenery. Tall and sandy pillars, ancient buildings, and the occasional bird here or there were the only neighbors to the alicorn Twilight Sparkle, and the pegasus Rainbow Dash as they sat in silence on the sandy ground. Both of the mares grew thick beards and bore pipes which formed out of nowhere, courtesy of the long time spent in the foreign country. As everypony knows, when you spend too much time alone and trudging around in a desert, you will eventually grow a beard and pipe overnight.
Egypt, the two ponies' current destination, was as desolate as ever. To the cyan pegasus sitting beside her friend, however, the historic goldmine they sat upon was concieved as a boring wasteland. And as Dash's stomach rumbled, yearning for contents, she intended to change the calm unfolding of events.
"Alright, you know what'd hit the spot?" Rainbow suggested, raising a hoof. The alicorn beside her glanced her direction. "Cakes!" Rainbow Dash grinned as a miniature cupcake appeared in her outstretched limb. Twilight gave a confused tilt of her head. Dash, seeing this with discontent, changed her tactics. "Look'a this!"
Rainbow Dash pointed to a bare spot in front of the duo. Instantly afterward, a gigantic, cyan cake fell from the heavans and landed with a splat, somehow staying intact. It was the size of a small cabin, homing three different layers, cherries crowning each one. The creamy outside looked ever-so inviting to both mares.
Twilight, evolving a thick Australian accent from thin vurbal air, yelled out, "Holy cake!" Her hooves darted to her head in shock.
"Yeah!" Rainbow Dash agreed sophisticatedly.
A goofy grin imitated the giant cake and fell from the heavens, this time landing on Twilight Sparkle's features. Her Australian accent as crisp as five seconds ago, she declared cheerfully, "Let's have a gob-full of cake!"
The two mares were sling shotted through the ten feet between them and the cake, their upper bodies instantly tearing holes through the soft pastry's interior. The two didn't seem to care, however, as they happily muched away from inside the cake. Their hind legs swung this way and that frantically, immitating the excitement they currently felt as icing, sugar, and bread filled their stomachs.
After exactly 3.78 seconds, Rainbow Dash and Twilight both returned to their original spots, ten feet away.
"Um... Uh-oh," Rainbow Dash groaned as she looked down. "...I am fat!" True to her word, the pegasus' belly was bloated with the cake fillings. Twilight Sparkle, her stomach also plump with dessert, chuckled.
"Well 'oi'll be stuffed!" the alicorn announced, rubbing her tummy.
Rainbow Dash, having just experienced an epiphany, gazed at Twilight with amazement. "Diagnosis?" she spoke, stars in her maroon irises. "...Hard arteries stop bullets!"
Twilight Sparkle burst out laughing, her head throwing itself about as her uproarious laughter cut through the relatively silent Egyptian atmosphere. After a couple seconds, however, she stopped abruptly. Twilight was inches away from Rainbow Dash's face as she questioned, "Ya know what 'potato' means?!"
Rainbow Dash, her brain being the size of a single atom, was at a loss for words. "Um..."
Twilight Sparkle didn't wait for her friend to answer her question, instead telling her aquantance what the word 'potato' means herself. "Adonrwnbfaaropjfswjmvzjloifwvxnkptewvxnlogswkpgsb7vwibei-- Gravy! Ifdahbmlpjswukpfegvmklfawkpge(3.14159265369)gswonswopgeqkmpfbkt." Twilight finished with a friendly smile. "The end." And from that moment on, the meaning of the previously unknown word, 'potato,' was known to Rainbow Dash. Twilight Sparkle's smile remained on her face as she said, "How do ya like that..?"
The sound of a guitar chord being played cut the two mares off, encouraging them to look to their left.
Rainbow Dash's features revealed a grin. "...Oo-hoo-hoo! Four hundred thousand crates!"
Indeed, the 400,000 boxes Dash was talking about were stacked up in front of the duo.
Contrary to the pegasus' previously happy demeanor, a frown implanted itself on Dash's face. She groaned, exasperated. "I hate crates... So! Much! Just be a gun, already!"
Knowing it would put Rainbow Dash's anger in reverse, the God of Crates cast a spell which turned one of them into a shovel.
Twilight Sparkle smirked. "Ooh... Hate t' break it to ya," she murmured, gesturing to the gardening tool. Rainbow Dash threw her arms out in anger.
"What?!" Dash cried, her eyes narrowed.
Twilight Sparkle, meanwhile, picked the shovel up from the floor with her magic. "...Now THIS... is a knoife."
"I cannot believe this!" Twilight's eyes derped at the statement which came from Rainbow Dash's mouth. "Are ya even tryin'?" she continued, grinning as she held up a key. It was meant for unlocking the loot inside the crates.
The God of Crates, knowing Rainbow Dash would eventually use the key for world domination, sent a wave of anger at Twilight. The alicorn responded with narrowing her eyes. "Nah!" she spat, her Australian accent reigning truth. Twilight pointed at Rainbow Dash. "Standin' around like a phoney scoundrel!" The God of Crates, seeing his will be done, turned into a pancake, never to be heard from again.
Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, had a sorrowful expression as she cowered away from the alicorn. "...Yo, I'm not even wearing a hat!"
Twilight Sparkle, realizing her error, and the profuse Teutonkahmunian hat adorning her head, sighed out of regret. She put a hoof on Rainbow Dash's shoulder. "Ahh, I'm sorry, Mate!"
Rainbow Dash, a smile once again occupying her features, decided to correct her friend from her wrongful ways. "What did we learn?" she asked.
"Luck always beats skill," Twilight responded, smiling.
It was at that time the two mares heard the sound of teleportation, located a few yards away. Before they could respond, a feminine, Southern voice rang out, "Nope!"
Rainbow Dash and Twilight both grunted out of surprise, looking to the source of disturbance. It was Applejack, standing on her hindlegs, her forelegs on her waist. The familiar cowboy hat the farm pony was infamous for was replaced with a war captain's hat, while her right foreleg was replaced with a prosthetic limb. The two mares both knew the missing apendage was the result of a catastrophic accident, in which Applejack stubbed her hoof on a curb. It exploded seconds later.
Applejack, her entrance now known to the two ponies, pointed to a machine by Rainbow Dash. It was a dispenser; a vertical rectangular metal box which had a supply box and ammo belt attached to it. It gave out health and ammo to all those who stood close to it, and was renowned for curing Cancer. "This here American-spencer!" the farm pony announced triumphantly.
Rainbow Dash frowned, defending her beloved machine. "Uhh, no! This here's a Wisdom-Spencer!"
Applejack, knowing the miniscule size of the pegasus' brain, only smiled lopsided. "Riiiiight...~" the farm pony droned, chuckling afterward. She figured the cyan pegasus could have her mini victory now. "Well..." Applejack continued, holding up an empty beer bottle. "...Ah' am drunk!" After the bottle disappeared because of physics, the orange pony continued her verbal onslaught. "Y'all should outah' stand back a little more, for, like me an' mah' machines?" Applejack gestured behind herself, which indeed had various machines scattered across the environment.
The other two mares instantly remembered Applejack was an insanely powerful engineer, most likely planning for starting the next World War.
"This here's ours now!" Applejack announced, pointing to the defenseless dispenser. Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle instantly teleported in front of it.
"Oi!" Twilight yelled out angrily.
"No way!" Rainbow Dash shouted, holding out a hoof defensively. "It's our Wisdom-Spencer!"
"Yeh!" Twilight agreed, growling as she took a defensive stance, willing to defend her beloved machine of friendship and happiness. Twilight pointed a menacing hoof at Applejack. "If your strategy is inventing LOADS of new ways to kill me..!" Twilight gestured to a broken down sentry gun beside Applejack, one of her many failed attempts at a wooden table. "...It's workin'!" Twilight crossed her hooves across her chest smugly.
Applejack only chuckled, taking out a supply box which appeared from nowhere. She threw it to the ground. "Buildin' a Medic-Sentry!" The moment the farm pony's box hit the floor, it transformed into a tall sentry gun, loacted on a wheel.
Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle both squealed in terror, holding their hooves up in surrender.
"This 's all that happens when you fight a coward!" Applejack taunted, her advantage becoming evident.
Twilight turned away. "Oi! Give! *UP!"***
Before she could flee, however, Rainbow Dash grabbed her tail and pulled her back. "No!" she pleaded, looking back at her beloved machine of awesomeness. She turned back to Twilight, a look of pure determination in her eyes. "Say no!"
When their eyes met, Princess Twilight Sparkle saw something in Rainbow Dash's eyes she had never seen before. It was the determined look of a mother bear, protecting her cub. Her maroon irises burned with the fact that she will never, ever, abandon her Wisdom-Spencer at any cost. She would rather die than let any harm come to that machine.
The Medic-Spencer let out a high pitched beep.
"D-ahh, flying!!" Rainbow Dash squeaked, flying as fast as she could to the safety of a pillar, followed by Twilight. The two mares held tightly to the wide cylinder, shaking profusely with fear.
Applejack chuckled, her Medic-Sentry shutting down harmlessly. She quickly snatched up the Wisdom-Spencer, which was thrown into a golden supply box. "Packin' up!" she announced triumphantly, before quickly building a teleporter. Before leaving, the farm pony looked up at the two cowering mares. "...And another thing? Y'all shoulda brought more cakes!" Applejack produced a small cupcake from thin air, munching down on it as she disappeared from view, the teleporter exploding afterwards. The Wisdom-Spencer was now Applejack's hostage.
Twilight Sparkle let out a low, guterall sound which could only be conceived as the groan of a walrus. Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, was sniffing as she flew to the burn marks of the destroyed teleporter. "Aww, my beautiful Wisdom-Spencer!" she cried, holding her hooves out in dispair.
"Don't forget about the cake!" Twilight yelled, shaking furiously with anger as she landed beside her friend.
Rainbow Dash, however, wasn't done with her self-pity. "We are stupid, stupid, stupid!" She started to bang a shovel against her head with dialated eyes.
"Yeah, that seems about right!" Twilight agreed, crossing her hooves as she thought of what to do next. "Now I've gotta make a cake again!"
"No!" Rainbow Dash yelled, encouraging Twilight to sigh in defeat. However, after a moment of thinking, she looked at the alicorn with a smile. "Where's your precious two hundred dollar car??"
Twilight, getting her friend's angle, grinned as her camper van appeared out of nowhere. "Here comes the car!" she laughed, before the automobile swooped to them, picking them up before driving into the sunset.
Rainbow Dash wooed out of victory, looking down at the passing clouds. "Hell yeah!" she yelled out, a grin on her face as she figured they'd make good distance in their quest to find their beloved Wisdom-Spencer.
It wasn't until a couple seconds later when Rainbow Dash noticed a fatal flaw. Her features twisted into one of worry. "Um... the car's movin' backwards!" she yelled out in panic, turning to her friend in the driver's seat. Twilight responded with laughing like a maniac, throwing her head back with the comedic spasms.
After a few seconds, Twilight instantly ceased all emotion as she muttered, "Oi'm actually gettin' impressed..."
Rainbow Dash, knowing her friend had succumed to madness, squeaked out, "Ohh, this ain't good..."
The car went in overdrive as Twilight lost control. The mares both screamed, although one was out of fear and one was out of joy. The van jerked left and right, up and down, until it finally flew into a building. A huge explosion accompanied their crash as the van's front end smashed through the wall, embedding itself in the interior.
A Queen and her loyal servant both yelped out of surprise because of the sudden change of events. The Queen's name was Berry Punch, and a crown adorned her head. The servant was a plump but strong, bald Russian man, who was dressed in nothing but a t-shirt and slacks.
Twilight, meanwhile, was leaning out of the car's window, swaying drunk-like, laughing. Rainbow Dash rubbed a new bruise on her head, cringing in pain. She glared at Twilight. "Thanks for the ride, cockrash and dumbass-- what the Hell's wrong with you? Ya got anything smart t' say now?!"
Twilight snapped out of it, giving a goofy grin to her friend. "Always!" she confirmed cheerfully. "Oi own LOADS 'a books!" Twilight took one out and began to read. "Once upon a time--"
"D'AUUUUGHH!!"
Twilight and Rainbow both stopped mid-conversation, staring in shock at the furious Queen. She stood tall in front of both of them, frowning deeply. "Ya buckin' idiots!" she yelled, her voice thick with a Scottish accent. "Who the buck are you?!"
The human, behind the furious Queen Barry Punch, smiled cheerfuly and waved to the newcomers, not caring they just destroyed their castle. "Welcome to New Zeaworld!" he announced, smiling. His friendliness earned him a smack from Berry Punch.
"No!" she spat, correcting him. "New Zealand!"
Twilight, noticing Berry Punch's brutality to her servant, said, "One of ya ruffians seem very drunk!"
Berry Punch was in the alicorn's face in an instant. "I'm not bloody DRUNK!" she yelled waving her hooves angrily. Twilight cowered in her anger.
Rainbow Dash, now knowing why the purple mare was so angry, decided to introduce herself. "Oh, I'm sorry! Name's Rainbow Dash!" She figured she could get information from the queen. "Where is that Wisdom-Spencer?"
"What manner of witchcraft is that?" Berry questioned, scratching her head in confusion.
"Are you a wizard?" The servant asked Twilight.
"Yeh!" the alicorn confirmed, her hat now replaced with that of a wizard's, courtesy of Trixie. The Princess figured she should show them. "Here... This one's simple." Twilight's horn glowed as her hooves swayed in front of her mysteriously. The mare and human both stood in front of her, curious. "...APPLE PIES! INCOMINGGGG!!" The two individuals barely had time to look up before a gigantic apple pie fell on them, squishing them.
Berry Punch grunted out of frustration. "I hate you wizards!" She was in Twilight's face in a second. "EVERYPONY BLOODY HATES YOU!" Twilight cowered, sniffing at her harsh words.
"Yes!" the queen's servant agreed, getting out from under the large pie which now occupied half the room. "Magic is STOOPID!" he yelled, crossing his large arms across his chest.
Rainbow Dash, seeing her chance, flew over to the human and put an arm around him. "No, wait!" she winked. "We're gonna make you slightly more handsome!"
The servant was already inexplainably handsome, but there was always room for improvement.
"Yes!" the human said triumphantly, posing for the spell with a grin.
Rainbow Dash, a Trixie hat accompanying her head now, waved her hooves around mysteriously as she read from a spell book. Her hooves glowed a brilliant shade of white. "C'mon, c'mon!" she groaned. "Work, dammit!" Something felt wrong. "Uh-oh. Aw, crap!!" Rainbow Dash could only cover her eyes as the wrong spell catapulted to the human, engulfing him in a white haze. Moments later, she looked back at the servant and grinned, looking at Twilight. "Hey-hey, look! He shape shifted into a cow!"
True to Rainbow Dash's word, the servant was now a wooden bilboard of a cow. "Moo!" he yelled out.
"Bloody Hell!" Berry Punch shouted in shock, staring at her servant.
Twilight decided to take this chance to finally be reunited with her cake. She put a hoof around Berry Punch's shoulder, smiling. "Where'd you gotcha coffee-cake in New Zeaworld?"
Berry Punch's eye twitched momentarily before she screamed, floating in mid-air. "BBBUUUUUUUUUUUCKK!!" As Rainbow Dash and Twilight stared up in shock as Berry Punch revealed her true form, reality shifted. The top half of a pony's skull was now worn on Berry's head, her eyes glowing with a yellow haze. An endless sinkhole opened right beside the duo as their surroundings turned a shade redder. Menacing music played from somewhere unknown.
Berry Punch pointed a hoof at the duo, shaking in rage. "By Celestia, I'll bucking kill you for that!!"
Berry Punch's servant sat up, now back in his human form. "What was that, Queen Berry?"
"Kill them!" Berry Punch commanded.
"Kill them both?" the servant asked, rubbing his head.
"Yes!"
A skull appeared on the servant's head, too. His eyes glew as he responded menacingly, "Good idea!" He laughed like a maniac.
"Ohh, this ain't good," Rainbow Dash cringed.
"Piss!" Twilight exclaimed.
Rainbow, glancing at the wreckage their car crash caused, smiled lopsided. "Look, I broke your stupid crap! Sorry!"
"Yeh!" Twilight agreed. "Sorry! Nothin' personal, Mate..."
The servant made his way to the duo, chuckling to himself. Without warning, the human's beefy arms shot forward as he grabbed the mares by the neck. The servant laughed. "I promise you... pain without sandwich!"
Twilight, her look bored, muttered under her breath. "Somepony's about to have a very great day..."
"To the Thousand Foot Window!" Berry Punch commanded, pointing to the endless pit.
"Very yes!" The servant held both mares above the pit, their legs danging from below. They both struggled, fearful.
"Go to Hell, with Private Blockhead!" Berry spat. "And tell the asshole I'm coming for him, next!"
With a menacing smile, the servant threw Twilight and Dash into the pit. They both screamed, falling for what seemed like years. Rainbow Dash watched, hopelessly, as the faint red light above grew smaller and smaller, hoping death would come swiftly to the two mares.
However, when the small hole completely disappeared from view, her and Twilight crash landed on the floor. They both grunted, rubbing their noggins as they groggily shook away the fuzziness, cringing as new cuts bled freely. To their surprise, the two mares were now in what looked like a reddish cave. Lava flowed freely everywhere except for a large platform of molten rock, which they were currently sitting on.
"Oh, hello, faggots!" a male voice said cheerfuly, a heavy central-American accent accompanying it. The two mares looked up to see a well-built, middle aged man who was wearing a uniform. He was sitting at a pink table, and wore a small metal box on his head.
Twilight waved to the man. "What's up, Metal-Fat Egghead?"
"No, Ma'am!" the man corrected, frowning. "I am Private Blockhead!"
"Ahh, shit," Twilight muttered. "Sorry, Burrowed-Fat Pumpkin Head."
"Is-is anypony even payin' attention to me?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"NO!!" Twilight shouted angrily, inches from Rainbow's face in an instant. The two mares stared at each other for a little while, before Blockhead inturrupted their fighting.
"Welcome to the United States of My Tea Party!" he welcomed cheerfuly.
The world seemed to stop for Twilight Sparkle as she froze all movement. "...Tea?"" she asked. "...Ooh... You.... Are....." Twilight grinned through her heavy beard. "Funny."
"Yes!" Pvt. Blockhead announced. "We are having tea and cake!"
Twilight threw her hooves up with triumph. "HOLY-BUCKIN'-CAKE!!"
"WOO-HOO-HOO!" Rainbow Dash whooped out of triumph, hurriedly sitting at the table with Twilight and Blockhead. However, before any eating could be had, a thought came to Dash. "Wait. Um... Blockhead?"
"?seY" Blockhead answered.
"Where is that Wisdom-Spencer?"
"With Applejack!"
Twilight spoke up from her cup of tea. "Where's Applejack?"
The man pointed beside him. "Right here!"
Twilight and Rainbow Dash both froze. "WHAT?!" the latter croaked.
"CRIKEY!" the alicorn beside her exclaimed.
"Where's that drunk?" Blockhead asked himself, scratching the metal on his head. An explosion of muffled, Southern profanity below him answered his question.
"Dammit dag-nabbit dammit dangit dag dabbit damn dammit!!" a Southern, feminine voice rang from a box beside Blockhead as it bounced around.
"Oh, there she is!" Blockhead announced happily.
Applejack fell out of the box, and was frowning profusely. A golden supply box accompanied the farm pony. "D'agh..! Hell went 'n' got me mad!"
"Applejack!" Blockhead threatened. "I am going to pull a Merasmus-Spencer out of your ass!"
Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, and Applejack all said "No!" simultaneously.
"Wisdom-Spencer!" Twilight and Rainbow corrected.
"American-Spencer!" Applejack said at the same time.
Then Private Blockhead, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash all erupted into a heated argument about what the dispenser should be called, and who it belonged to. Applejack was insisting she won the American-Spencer fair and square from Dash, while Rainbow Dash was exclaiming that AJ stole the machine. Meanwhile, Pvt. Blockhead was talking about the meaning of life.
Twilight Sparkle, in the midst of the heated discussion, only looked side to side, confused. Then, her eyes glided downwards. A smile formed on her face as she spotted a cake in front of her, ready to be eaten. She took out a shovel, and with a shout of "INCOMING!!!" dived into the cake. Her head ripped easily threw the cake's outside as she ate it from the inside out.
When the noise of the argument and the constant sloshing of Twilight's mouth didn't stop, a yellow pegasus fell from above, landing with a thud. The shock silenced the four other individuals as they stared at the dusturbance.
Not a moment passed before the head of Fluttershy revealed itself from under the table. The yellow pegasus was dressed in Field-Medic gear, wearing a white lab coat and gloves on her hooves. She snorted, a creepy grin implanted on her features. With a thick German accent, the pegasus spoke. "I am a Doctor, and all your stupid bones are mine!"
Applejack spoke up. "Doctor!"
"Ja?" Fluttershy turned to AJ.
"Don't touch mah' bones!"
Fluttershy, a hint of insanity in her eyes, only smiled as she held up a gloved hand. "All I can tell you about zhis next procedure is zhat--" Fluttershy took out a gorey bone saw as she crouched low to the ground, twitching as her eyes reflected those of the devil. "I vhill KEEL YOU!"
A moment of silence fell upon the group as Applejack stood, dumbfounded, in front of Fluttershy. "...What?" she finally made out, but it was too late.
Fluttershy lurched forward, stabbing and slicing Applejack repeatedly with the bone saw. As blood sprayed out of AJ's body, Fluttershy laughed maniacally when Applejack screamed out of pain. Gore, intestines, and other organs spilt onto the floor beneath as Shy enjoyed every second of the massacre.
The two ponies and one man all stared, their jaws dropped at the sudden turn of events as Fluttershy reached into Applejack's mutilated body, pulling out a long bone.
"Ooh," Fluttershy snickered, looking at the bone in hoof. "...Fascinating."
Applejack, wrecked beyond repair, sat up to say her final words: "Sometimes, ya just need a lil' less spine." The farm pony then dropped dead, a pool of her own blood forming underneath.
"Oh my Celestia!" Blockhead yelled, horrified as Fluttershy laughed. "She's got Applejack's spine!"
"Anypony still alive?" Fluttershy asked suddenly, grinning.
Rainbow Dash, recovering from the initial shock, said, "Nup! Sorry!" She laid down on the floor as a grave appeared beside her. "I'm dead!"
Twilight, following her friend's lead, smiled. "Yeh! Oi'll be dead, too!" The alicorn laid beside Rainbow Dash, another grave appearing. "Thanks, Doc!"
Fluttershy grimaced at the two mare's stupidity. "Anozhah successful DUMM KOPF!"
Private Blockhead, seeing Fluttershy's intent on murdering his friends, taunted the medic. "I am not afraid of Doctoberfest!" he accused, pointing at the Medic. Fluttershy groaned out of recognition. "I refuse to be afraid of--"
Fluttershy was in Blockhead's face in an instant. "Agkbrwihveeonofwuvote8vwjonesbxoywb!"
Pvt. Blockhead screamed, running away.
Fluttershy chuckled at that, before calling out to the human. "Come out, Blockhead! I promise I vhill keel you! AHAHAHAHAHAAA!!" With that, Fluttershy flew away to find the misfortunate Private Blockhead.
After a few seconds of silence, Rainbow Dash sat up. "Check it out!" she announced, pointing to the golden tool box dropped by the late Applejack.
"I'm not done yet," Twilight murmered sadly, looking at her half-finished cake.
"Wisdom-Spencer!" Dash said excitedly, standing up.
Twilight Sparkle knelt down to the toolbox, picking it up. "Oh, my Celestia..." Without warning, the alicorn leaned her head back and burst out laughing, knowing this was indeed not the Wisdom-Spencer. "...Hate to break a coffee table on your head. But this here's Medic-Sentry!"
"WHAT?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
The golden toolbox turned into said machine, giving a high pitched beep. Twilight and Dash, without a second thought, flew away screaming. For a few seconds, the Medic-Sentry stood there, looking as intimidating as ever. That is, until it clicked, and turned itself off, revealing itself as yet another one of Applejack's failed attempts at making a wooden table.
A few seconds of silence past before Applejack sat up and gave an "ok" sign to the broken Medic-Sentry. "Good work," she confirmed, before lying back down, dead.
