Chapter One - The Only Chapter
It was a bright, sunny, quiet Thursday morning in Manehattan. As quiet as a bustling metropolis can be at eight o’clock on a Thursday morning.
Honk! Honk!
“Move it you jackass! No offense,” said a random commuter pony who was late for work, again.
“None taken,” said that one donkey who is always nearby whenever anypony says jackass.
Pegasi flew back and forth overhead, either moving the clouds, or flying to school or their jobs. Earthbound ponies were stuck either waiting for a bus or a cab or stuck in traffic like suckers. The ones lucky enough to get a cab were treated to the exotic aromas that only a cabbie can produce. Unicorns used their horns as communication devices to talk with one another across great distances as they hustled back and forth about their meaningless lives. Fillies and colts carrying sickeningly adorable stuffed animal backpacks giggle and scream as they run down the sidewalks. Down a dark alleyway an old gray Earth pony mare is mugged by a masked assailant. It is a gruesome, horrible and perverted sight, and there are probably two sides to that story anyway, so we shall not let it hinder our progress.
“Somepony, please help-”
“Shut up, you old bag! Give me-”
Keep moving, keep moving! We do not want any part of that. Now, as I was saying, everypony in Manehattan was merrily, more or less, going about their mundane and piddling lives. Blissfully unaware that they were about to be drawn into one of the most terrifying and the most awesome experience anypony has ever had.
At exactly seven minutes and forty-three seconds after eight in the morning, I know that because that was the time on the clock tower when it broke, a deafening explosion rocked the skies of Bridleway. The explosion, which was more of a sonic boom, knocked all the Pegasi from the sky, spinning and falling to the ground in the most comical way possible. While most landed harmlessly on their heads on the cement below, one fell through the roof of a cab; one fell through the ceiling of an adult theatre, frightening the perverts within who would go to an adult movie at eight in the morning on a Thursday; one landed teeth first on a fire hydrant; and one was hilariously unfortunate enough to land anus first on a Unicorn’s horn. It was a perfect fit.
The sonic boom was quickly followed by the loud whistle of something falling. The whistle was produced by a humongous centaur falling from the sky. It crash landed four cloven hooves first in the center of Bridleway. It was twice as large as than the Empony State Building. Aw man, the commuters are going to be so late for work now. The shockwave its landing produced overturned carts, shattered windows, and threw ponies in all directions. The lucky ones were sent through the windows that the centaur’s landing shattered. The unlucky ones... well they are dead now. Crushed under carts, into buildings, and under gigantic cloven hoof. They are really unlucky because they will not be around to see the awesomeness to come.
The centaur had a wicked smile on his face. He also had a giant douchebag ring through his nose that just begged to be yanked. He had black sclera, yellow pupils, a white beard, mullet, and eyebrows, and skin so red that class action lawsuits were levied against how racist it was. He also had two enormous horns that obviously were overcompensating for his lack of a di-
Ahem!
Alright, moving on. Spoilsport.
“I am Lord Tirek,” the centaur said.
“Why are you telling us? Everypony already knows who you are! What’s the point of this exposition?” said a random voice out of nowhere.
“Who dares?”
Silence.
“Fine then,” Tirek pouted, “I’ll just suck out your magic.”
“You were going to do that anyway! This is just more unneeded exposition!” the same random voice said.
The Eye of Sauron appeared between Tirek’s horns of overcompensation and drew the magical essence out of the hundreds of still living ponies on Bridleway. As he opened his mouth and unhinged his jaw like a snake he sucked down all of the essence in one gulp like a proper whorse.
The color drained from the townsponies, their cutie marks disappeared, and they fell to the ground weak, weary, pathetic, and useless. “Heh, heh, heh. That shut you up,” Tirek said triumphantly.
“Dumbass, no it didn’t,” said the same random voice out of nowhere now with more than a hint of snark. “I’m the narrator! Third person omniscient, mother f-”
AHEM!
Fine. Geez, you never let me have any fun.
“Dammit! Dammit all to Tartarus!” Tirek screamed at the sky. “What are you doing interacting with me? Aren’t you supposed to be a nonentity?”
“Oh, I’m just distracting you while we wait for your ass kickers get here.”
“What in Tartarus are you talking-”
Just then the moon eclipsed the sun causing Tirek and the least pathetic of the still awake townsponies to look up at it. Being too stupid to carry a pinhole camera with them wherever they go, they were temporarily blinded when the moon shook. The shaking was caused by the two creatures that emerged from the pan-dimensional portal that is always created during a Solar eclipse. However this one was unplanned as Celestia and Luna had stupidly forfeited their powers to the most awesome and cute purple Alicorn in all Equestria. Who, unfortunately, was forced to forfeit her powers to dillhole Tirek when he held her friends for ransom.
“Wait, I already have Princess Twilight’s magic and the magic of all the other princesses?”
Well, yes. Wait, you can hear me when I am just narrating?
“Yes, though it’s not as loud. And I don’t appreciate being called a ‘dillhole.’”
“Then don’t be a dillhole, dillhole!”
“Aargh! You’re lucky I don’t know where you are!”
I am in your head, bitch! What are you going to do, punch your head until I come out? I am a disembodied voice! And I am not just in your head, “I. Am. Everywhere!” What part of third person omniscient do you not understand? I know everything. I see everything. I control everything. I am everything.
At this point Tirek facepalmed, doing absolutely no damage to me whatsoever. He can do that because, unlike ponies, he has hands. Glorious, glorious hands. “Fine. If I already have the power of all the princesses, why am I here?”
“Because Rainbow Power had no effect.”
Tirek became indignant. “If it had no effect, then there should be nopony else left. Princess Twilight was the last holdout. I won. There is nothing left. These pathetic foals should have already been drained. That is a huge plot hole!”
Fine then! You escaped from Tartarus when Cerberus broke his chain chasing after the sweet poontang of a sexy female Orthrus. Poor guy has not gotten laid in seven centuries. Can you blame him? As soon as you got past Tartarus’ magic dampening barrier, your body’s cells remembered most of the power you lost. All you needed were the princesses and Discord. After an epic battle, you absorbed the princesses’ power. However before you could get Discord’s chaotic magic, he teleported you to the moon. Then you jumped off the moon and landed here.
“That still doesn’t make sense!”
“That is one of the things the Alternate Universe tag is for. Now stop arguing or I will turn you into Sombra so fast it will make his head spin! Oh and, by the way, your ass kickers are almost here.”
~~Sombra~~ Tirek turned to see what I was talking about. However they had already passed his head- Oh, no they are coming in too hot! Both crash landed into the street below. Luckily they were not injured. Both are incredibly hard headed and guess what the landed on.
“Hey! Who are you calling ‘hard headed?’” said the defensive, short tempered, insecure, whiny, pretty female one. “You think I’m beautiful?” she blushed.
No.
“I think the centaur was talking about you,” said the oblivious, always hungry, naive, stupid, dashing male one. ‘There’s food?” he asked as his stomach growled.
No. And I am not the centaur.
“You sure look like one, buddy,” said the stupid -did I mention he is stupid- male one.
Tirek facepalmed, once again doing absolutely nothing to me. “I am a centaur, but I was not the one speaking.”
“You think you can get away with calling me hard headed by changing your voice and denying it?” asked the belligerent female one. She is also belligerent, very belligerent.
Tirek rolled his eyes, “Ugh, narrator, help me out here,” he begged. “I was not begging!” he whined.
Tirek facepalmed three times in a row. “Ow! That actually hurt this time!”
A glimmer of evil hope appeared on Tirek’s face, “Really?”
“No. Not really. But don’t stop getting your hopes up!”
“Whoa,” The male one said, “either that tall guy is a schizophrenic ventriloquist, or there is a disembodied voice here.” Apparently the male one has brief flashes of genius. Three four syllable words in one sentence? Impressive. “Thanks!”
“Yes, I am the narrator. I narrate. Watch.”
Up until now, the two creatures had not noticed the changes in their bodies.
“Changes?” they said in unision.
“Oh, my god, Sa-”
No. That is no longer her name. It is now Donut Steel.
“O...kay. Donut Steel, you are a horse!”
Pony.
“Pony!”
“So are you, Go-”
NO! His name is now Marey Sue.
“Ha, ha! Your name is Mary!” Donut said.
No, it is Marey, you know, like a female pony?
“Really?” Donut asked, unamused by the awesome pun. “Ha, ha! Your name is Marey!”
“Well, yours is Donut,” Marey Sue teased back. “Anyway, you’ve turned into a winged Unicorn!”
“And you turned into a horned Pegasus.”
“Alicorns!” Tirek shouted, mildly annoyed. “You are what are called Alicorns. The most powerful-”
Now is a good a time as any to describe what Marey Sue and Donut Steel looked like.
“Hey! I was talking!”
No, you were expositioning again, and I will not have that unless I do it, Sombra.
“I’ll be good,” Tirek cowered. “For now,” he added with a glower.
Now, as I was saying, Donut Steel was a light pink Alicorn mare with blue eyes and a blonde mane and tail. Her mane was styled so that she had matching pom-poms on both sides of her head. From each pom-pom hung a single cute ponytail that almost touched the ground. Her cutie mark was a silver crystal in the shape of a crescent moon. She is also the daughter of Luna.
“What? But Luna is the name of my-”
“MOTHER!”
“Fine! Gosh, no need to scream.”
All she wore was a round gold and pink locket with a pentacle in the middle. In the middle of the pentacle, was a gold circle with a crescent moon embossed into it. Inside the relief of the crescent was a single pink pearl. There was also a small ruby, sapphire, emerald, and topaz placed around the pentacle.
“I’m naked?! Why didn’t anybody-”
Anypony.
“Anypony tell me? Wait, anypony?” Donut Steel asked mortified, trying in vain to find something to hide behind, but finding nothing. She forgot she was a pony and that there was nothing remarkable about a naked pony. “It’s still weird to just be walking around naked, can’t I have something to wear?”
Fine. She also wore a frumpy, itchy burlap potato sack as a dress. It started at her armpits, too tightly hugged the curves of her body, and it had no holes for her wings or tail to pass through.
“Ew, gross I’d rather be naked.”
Done! Your wish is my command, Princess Donut.
Marey Sue on the other hand, was a pure white Alicorn with black eyes. His mane was pure black, spikey, and unkempt. He had no tail as it was cut off when he was a… colt. His cutie mark was a single orange orb with four five pointed stars inside.
“It was my grandfather’s.”
He was an alien that was sent to Earth as a baby on the day his planet was destroyed by… um… meteors!
“Really? I thought it was-”
Nope! Meteors.
“But he admitted he did it. He was proud of it”
I know, but that is a secret.
“Oh. Okay! I won’t tell anybody.”
Anypony.
“Yeah, that. I won’t tell anypony.”
He wore an orange shirt with a turtle symbol on it. And perfectly pl-
“Hey! Why does he get clothes and I don’t?”
Just for that, he is also wearing matching pants.
“Come on!”
Now he has a blue undershirt, matching belt, wrist- er- fetlock bands on his front legs, and a pouch to hold things even though he has pockets.
“That’s not fair!” Donut whined.
“BOOTS! He now has boots on his hind hooves!” At this point Donut had broken down into a blubbering mess.
“Come on, Donut, please don’t cry,” Marey Sue comforted. “Here, you can wear my undershirt,” he said, trying to remove his shirt. This proved to be difficult without hands.
Fine. If you want to give her your undershirt you can, but use your magic to do so. You are going to need the practice anyway. You need to fight Tirek somehow.
“Oh, am I actually part of this story, now?”
Tirek is now Sombra!
“Nooo- Crystaaaals!”
And now he is Tirek again!
“Shit! That’s painful! Sorry, I’ll stop now.”
“You’re damn skippy, hippie.”
Now, as I was saying, using magic is simple. It is like taking a shit. You think of what you want to have happen, focus on your horn, and bear down. Then when you are finished, pinch it off.
Marey Sue focused on his horn which sputtered a few time, but finally shone a whitish-blue. His undershirt was then enveloped in the same glow. The undershirt disappeared from his torso and appeared in front of him. “Hey, that was easy! You try, Donut.”
Donut Steel was skeptical, but she shrugged and tried to concentrate on her horn. Unfortunately, she concentrated in the wrong direction and farted. He face turned beet red in embarrassment as Tirek and the useless still awake townsponies laughed. “Dammit, why!” she cried out, humiliated.
“You can do it, Donut, I believe in you!” Marey Sue cheered.
Donut looked at Marey and and her eyes welled up with tears of defiance and determination. She focused on her horn which, like Marey Sue’s, sputtered but finally shone a soft pearl pink. Donut’s magic slowly replaced Marey Sue’s. When his aura was completely gone, Donut levitated the shirt closer to her to examine it. She soon tired of this because there was nothing visually impressive about it. She once again concentrated and the shirt popped onto her frame. She positioned it so that the holes lined up with her wings and pushed her wings through them. Her magic finally let go of the shirt and she fell on her face.
“Heavy!” she strained.
“Well, yeah,” Marey Sue said matter-of-factly. “It weighs thirty kilograms.”
“I don’t know what that means!” Donut Steel lamented as she was struggling to get back up on her hooves, but failing miserably. “Our school thought the metric system was a Commie plot!”
Marey Sue scratched the back of his head. “I think it’s about forty pounds,” Marey Sue guessed incorrectly. It is actually closer to sixty-six pounds. Marey Sue is like a lighthouse: tall, strong and sturdy. “Hey, thanks!” It is unfortunate that his beacon is so dim. “It’s okay, I am not used to using the horn anyway.”
...Moving on. As she was crushed under the weight of a shirt that should not have been heavy for a pony, Donut Steel came to a realization: she could just use magic to remove the shirt that weighed less than a small child.
“I was just caught off guard!” Donut strained. “But you’re right!” Donut’s horn lit up and the undershirt followed suit. Soon she had poofed it off of herself and onto the ground. “That thing stunk, anyway,” she grumbled.
That was all you, lady.
Once again, moving on. Once Donut Steel was completely naked again, Tirek finally decided to get off his lazy, worthless ass and try to beat up the good guys, such as they were.
“YOU are the one who had me wait through this shit!” Tirek complained like a little bitch, not realizing I can turn him into Sombra whenever I wanted to. “Fine then! Do it! I don’t care anymore! Anything is better than this humiliation!” Tirek bitched, not realizing I could cause testicular torsion and a brain tumor at the same time. “What? My barsh!” Tirek slurred.
While Tirek was a carrot because of the sudden case of a combination of testicular torsion and a brain tumor, Donut Steel and Marey Sue decided to get off their useless asses and move the even less useful townsponies out of harms way. To the bleachers that had been setup.
…
No, I meant the still living ones, morons.
“Oops, ha ha, my bad,” Marey Sue said as he blushed and scratched the back of his neck absentmindedly with a severed foreleg.
Using their magic to place the inconsequential redshirts on their backs, they used this time to practice flying.
“Even the stupid townsponies get clothes,” Donut grumbled. “Where’s my red shirt?”
“It’s just a saying, Donut,” Marey Sue explained. “It just means they are expendable.” Wow, another four syllable word, you are not as stupid as you look. “Actually, I can’t take all the credit, I used to be in a lot of landing parties.”
No, you have not. That is not your backstory.
“Then what is?”
Up to a certain point it is a parody of Saiyuki. Then it takes a weird left turn and becomes one of the most popular and timeless stories of all time.
“Really? Neat.”
As Marey Sue was distracted, Donut Steel had moved most of the useless pawns to the bleachers. Building up her stamina and learning how to use her wings in the process. It was funny and awe inspiring all at the same time. “Really?” however we missed it because of Marey Sue. “Ma-rey!” Donut bemoaned.
“Sorry. How about I take care of everybody-”
Everypony.
“Everypony else to make it up for you?”
“Deal. In the meantime maybe the narrator can tell me about my backstory.”
Fine. You are just- oh, look, Marey Sue is done.
“Already? There was at least a hundred left.” Donut Steel was never good with numbers. There was actually only twenty left. Also, Marey Sue is unbelievably fast. Physically. Mentally, however… He is at least street smart. He knows what street he lives on.
“I don’t live on a street, silly, I live in a house.”
…Fair enough. I guess I walked into that one. Anywho, Tirek was finally cured of his mysterious bouts of sudden onset testicular torsion and brain tumor. And hopefully he learned a lesson about arguing with the narrator.
Tirek just harumphed snottily before he began the villain's favorite device: the evil taunt. “Um… uh… SO! Donut Steel, what makes you think you and Marey Sue can defeat me where, basically, everypony else in the world failed?”
“Actually,” Marey Sue corrected, “I’m Marey Sue and she’s Donut Steel.” Marey Sue pointed a hoof at Donut Steel. “It’s an honest mistake. As to your question, I-”
“We.” Donut interjected.
“Right, we. We never let evil run rampant in our universes, we certainly won’t let it happen here. Even if we are in these awkward pony bodies… without hands.”
“And who exactly are you in your universes?”
“I am the hope of the universe. I am the answer to all living things that cry out for peace. I am protector of the innocent. I am the light in the darkness. I am truth. Ally to good! Nightmare to you!" Marey Sue pontificated dogmatically.
Donut Steel began her response by shouting, “Moooon Crystallll Poweeeer!” While shouting, she raised her right foreleg into the air. In its hoof was her locket. The locket’s lid raised up and disappeared. The inside was edged by a ribbon made of gold. At the bottom of the ribbon was a gold bow. The ribbon was also decorated with two matching pentacles. In the center of the locket was a huge, flawless silver crystal that would have made both Sombra and Rarity explode with delight.
As Donut Steel passed her other fore hoof in front of the crystal, a pink light shone from the center, enveloping her body in its light. The entirety of her body was now a prism of light. With the locket now floating between her hooves, she brings it to rest in front of her chest and lets go. As she does this, she raises her forelegs back into the air. Her wings fan out, she begins to magically spin in midair, and her entire torso is wrapped ribbons of pink light. The light becomes a white one piece bathingsuit with a breastplate, mini blue capelett, and a large red bow with the lockett in the middle. As she continues to spin, her forelegs are wrapped in the same pink light ribbons which form into white gloves, ending in red ruffles at the elbow. This would have been more impressive if she actually had fingers.
“Hey!”
She continues her magical midair piruett and the ribbon lights make it to her hind legs materializing red, knee high boots with a crescent moon at the top of each. At the same time a blue miniskirt appears, barely covering up the bottom of her one piece. However, some magical property, and a large red ribbon on the back, keeps it from flipping up so we never get a panty shot. Ever. Finally, and with a flourish, the piruett ends and a gold crescent moon appears on her forehead to apply the finishing touches. The moon becomes a golden tiara with an oval red ruby in the center. The magic continues back to her pom-poms which are adorned with matching ruby hairclips. It also continues down to her neck giving her a red choker with a gold crescent moon. It creates gold crescent moon pendulum earrings. The very last thing that the magic does is adjust her outfit to accommodate her new wings and tail. She strikes a pose standing on her hind legs with her right foreleg akimbo and her left fore hoof on her forehead just in front of her horn. The weakened townsponies oohed feebly from the bleachers.
I shit you not this entire process took only forty seconds. That is the fastest any mare has gotten dressed in the history of ever.
“To tell you the truth, that was more impressive than what you did,” Tirek said to Marey Sue.
“Yeah, I know. I didn’t get any reaction. And she’s not even done yet.”
After her transformation and pose, Donut Steel finally completed her answer to Tirek’s question, “I am Sailor Moon-”
Donut Steel.
“Donut Steel, champion of justice! On behalf of the moon, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means you!”
Now would be a good time to mention that Marey Sue and Donut Steel were no larger than your average sexy Twilicorn. Which meant they were only slightly larger than Tirek’s cloven hoof. A cloven hoof that he had lifted to stomp down and crush their tiny, empty heads. Luckily their bodies responded like a fly’s and sent the signal to dodge to their wings and legs instead of their nonexistent brains. Tirek’s first blow having missed, he reared up on his hind legs and repeatedly stomped the ground with his front. Aiming for and missing Donut and Marey each time. Completely forgetting that he can use magic.
“Oh, right.” Tirek once again summoned the Eye of Sauron that is his magical aura and shot a bolt of dark magic at Donut Steel.
“Oh, no you don’t!” Marey Sue shouted, charging in to intercept the blast. The next few moments happen within two seconds. “KAAAA!” He put his fore hooves together, “MEEEEE!” He moves them both to his right hip. “HAAAAAAAA!” He puts himself between Donut and the blast. “MEEEEEEE!” He thrusts his fore hooves in front of himself, making them do a one hundred and eighty degree turn. “HAAA!!” A humongous pale whitish-blue blast unexpectedly erupts from his horn. It is not too much of a distraction. However, instead of destroying Tirek’s blast, pushing through it, and destroying the Eye of Sauron like he planned, the two cancel each other out.
Tirek stood dumbfounded then an evil grin grew on his face. “You are very powerful,” Tirek complimented Marey Sue. “I cannot wait to suck you dry,” he finished obliviously.
Donut Steel tried with all her might to not fall on her back and bust out laughing, but it was futile. She was, after all, extremely immature. Marey Sue on the other ha- hoof was too naive to understand what the hell Donut was laughing about.
Tirek, however, noticed his faux pas almost immediately after he said it. He blushed profusely as he corrected himself, “I meant his magic!” His ugly mug had a cute pink blush.
Marey Sue was really confused now. “Of course you meant my magic. What else could you have mea-”
“NOTHING! Absolutely nothing!” Tirek shouted.
“O…kay. Donut, get ahold of yourself. We need to work together to beat him.”
“Are you sure? Don’t you think you can beat him by yourself?”
Of course Marey Sue could defeat Tirek all by himself. However, he did not have the healing powers needed to remove the absorbed powers from Tirek and restore them to their rightful owners.
“Yeah,” Marey Sue smiled encouragingly at Donut Steel. “What the narrator said.”
“My healing magic doesn’t work that way!”
It does now.
“What makes you think you can beat me alone?” Tirek asked in that overconfident tone villains get when they are prematurely certain of their victory.
“Because I haven’t gotten serious yet,” Marey Sue said with that stupid excited smile he gets whenever he is about to battle a powerful opponent.
“Funny, neither have I,” Tirek cheekily smiled back.
After that god awful banter, both of them let out a battle cry. Tirek summoned the Eye of Sauron while Marey Sue squatted down and braced himself as though he was taking a shit. While Marey Sue’s battle cry proved ineffective, Tirek’s magic grabbed Marey Sue and flung him around. Marey Sue’s battle cry became the scream a little filly who was riding a rollercoaster for the first time. Tirek used his magic to write his name in the air with Marey Sue’s body in very curly and girly handwriting. With little flairs in the L and the T and heart to dot the I.
Tirek then threw Marey Sue on the ground and blasted him with dark magic. To add even more injury to injury Tirek stomped on Marey Sue who made an adorable squeaking sound when he did. “That is so cute!” Tirek said and he stomped on Mary Sue two more times to hear the squeaking again. However the townsponies were too horrified, traumatized, and listless to find anything amusing about it.
“Mooon Tiaraaa Mmmagic!” A silver disc out of nowhere hits the hoof crushing Marey Sue and knocks it off of him. A blur of pink, white, blue, red, and yellow grabs Marey Sue and moves him out of Tirek’s reach. When she had them hidden behind a building, Donut asked, Oh my god-”
Celestia.
“Oh my Celestia, Marey, are you okay?”
“Pimple loaf! Vitamins. Cape robot river!”
“O...kay? Maybe not. What happened out there? I thought you said you could take care of him.”
“Cha-la! Head cha-la!”
“Oh no, he’s getting worse. How can I help him?”
What Marey Sue failed to realize was that powering up in pony form is different from what he is used to. Instead of bracing yourself as if taking a shit, you are supposed to bear down on your front knees as though you are about to charge at somepony. The proper position is neck down, horn pointed forward and wings spread out to the side. Unfortunately, Marey Sue had a few of his screws knocked loose, and he did not have that many to begin with. Also, while Donut was cowering in fear like a pansy, Tirek shattered most of Marey’s bones.
“Hey! He’s huge!” Donut whined, choking back tears. “And my tiara barely made him stumble. I can’t just outright kill him, either! My mother, my aunt, and the other ones; they need their magic back. And so does everypony that is still alive here, even if they are all wearing red shirts. I can’t ju-”
“Alright! Enough exposition. I did not let Tirek do it and I will not let you do it either.”
As Donut was crying over Marey’s prone body her eyes were drawn to his firm ass.
“Yes, it is. Uh… I mean... eheheheh.” Donut fumfered.
Luckily it was covered by his pants. And his pants were held up by a belt. And on his belt was his pouch. And that pouch was filled with the greatest dei ex machina of all time. Donut’s curiosity was piqued and she is awful nosey anyway, so she did what every nosey marefriend does and roots through her coltfriend’s stuff. Justifying it by convincing herself that that is what good marefriends do. However, they are not even dating, so this is a huge invasion of privacy. And kind of creepy. She opened the pouch and was immediately unimpressed. Inside the bag was what looked like six green, uncooked lima beans.
‘Eew, I hate lima beans.”
They looked like lima beans. However these were the mythical Senzu Beans.
“What am I supposed to do with these?”
She had no idea what else to do with the Senzu Beans, so she decided to feed him one. Donut turned Marey Sue’s head to the side, placed the bean in his mouth, massaged his cheeks to make him chew a few times, and rubbed his throat to make him swallow. The bean instantly healed every broken bone, torn muscle, damaged brain cell, and minor cut.
From his prone position, he flipped forward into a fore hoof stand and did five vertical push ups. He used a little extra force on his last push up to propel himself up and back flipped into a standing position. “Whew! Thanks Donut!” Marey said happily. Had they not been drained of all their magic and strength the townsponies would probably have done something more than feebly, pathetically, and unenthusiastically yay. Unfortunately the weak yaying of the useless redshirts alerted the up until now clueless Tirek as to the whereabouts of our nominal heroes.
“Yeah!” Marey Sue shouted, “We are the non-minimal heroes!”
No, that is not-
“And we are not going to let you continue terrorizing these people- er- ponies!” Marey Sue got down into the proper power-up position and let out a loud battle cry. A visible blue electricity crackled around him. A force exuded from his body that nopony but Tirek could feel because he was the only one who was powerful enough to feel auras. However it was so far out of his league that he could not comprehend how much trouble he was actually in.
“Wait, what?”
With an extra push, Marey Sue tipped over the edge. He was surrounded by powerful yellow aura. His mane, well there was a lot more of it now, it went down his back and stopped on top of his flank, it was also blonde. His irises also turned teal.
Tirek was stunned for just a moment, but he quickly recovered. He smiled cockily as he lifted his foreleg and brought his cloven hoof down onto Marey Sue. When it did not connect with the ground, he tried to lift his leg up to see what the problem was. However he was unable to move it. Marey Sue had caught it in his fore hoof. He punched Tirek square in the frog.
“That was for destroying the town!”
Tirek cried out in agony and Marey Sue let go of Tirek’s hoof. Realizing he was free, Tirek looked around for the newly badass Marey Sue and was surprised to see him just two inches from his face. Tirek brought his hand up to swat Mary, but his hand just went through the after image and he smacked himself in the face. Once again doing me no damage whatsoever.
“GHA! Just shut up!” Tirek shouted. He tried to summon the Eye of Sauron, however that was quickly disrupted by Marey Sue punching him in the nose.
“That was for killing the townsponies!”
Marey Sue grabbed Tirek by the douchebag nose ring and spun him in a circle. “This is for draining their magic!” He made one and a half rotations. It would have been three, however it turns out the douchebag nose ring was a clip-on. Apparently it was a douchebag wussy nose ring. Because Marey Sue could not finish the windup, a stunned Tirek was now flying towards the bleachers and the enfeebled townsponies that occupied them. The townsponies, who up until this point were watching with breath as bated as somepony who has had all their magic and energy sucked out of them could, unenthusiastically screamed in what would have fear had they had the energy to express it. Marey Sue appeared in the air four meters in front of the cowering redshirts and held out his right foreleg, catching Tirek. Marey Sue did not move a single inch. The catch exuded so much force that it shattered three of Tirek’s ribs. The shockwave would have blown the useless inconsequentials away if Marey’s aura did not dwarf it.
Marey Sue kicked Tirek into the sky. “This is it!” he shouted. “Kaa... mee...haa-”
“No, stop! Please don’t kill him!” Donut pleaded. “We need to drain his power!”
Marey Sue immediately stopped his attack and disappeared. He reappeared in the air in Tirek’s path and, using both fore hooves, clubbed Tirek in the forehead, knocking him out and sending him careening to the ground below. Marey Sue disappeared once more and reappeared below where Tirek would have landed and caught him.
Setting down Tirek, powering down, and returning to normal, Marey Sue gestured to Donut Steel and said, “Your turn, Donut.”
“Seriously, sometimes you scare me, Marey.” Donut stepped forward and ignited her horn, popping her Crescent Moon Wand, a pink wand with a golden crescent moon on top into existence. Sitting in the crescent was her silver crystal. She takes the wand in her left fore hoof and holds it aloft and brings it to her forehead to charge it up. After charging she holds it up and spins around. A silver aura rains down all around her and spreads out. “Mooon! Heallling!” Then she uses the wand to trace a circle around her body. When she bends down half way through the circle you hope to get panty shot, but disappointingly none comes. “Activationnn!” Balls of silver light launch from the crystal toward Tirek as the aura washes over him. A silver light envelops his body and he spits up the absorbed magic like an untrained whorse that cannot take a load.
The magical spunk flies back down the throats of the still living ponies. Save for four globs that flew away, presumably to be guzzled down by the four princesses they came from. Their magic, color, and cutie marks returned to them, the townsponies cheered apathetically. Apparently Tirek draining their magic is not what caused their weak reactions. They are just a bunch of desensitized assholes.
Without the extra magic, Tirek was considerably smaller now, though still unconscious. “I’ll take care of this,” Marey Sue said as he walked towards Tirek. “Time to go back to where you came from, buddy.” He placed a hoof on Tirek and they both disappeared.
While he was gone, the useless townsponies finally did something useful and broke down the bleachers. Without so much as a thank you they continued about their day. They are Manehattanites, after all. They would not let something piddling like a giant Tirek falling from the sky and absorbing all their magic then getting his ass kicked, deter them from being naturally born assholes. Besides, they had princesses to fix shit like this.
A few minutes later, Marey Sue reappeared alone. “Well that’s done, time to go.”
With Tirek safely doubly chained up back in Tartarus, their job was done. Marey Sue put his right foreleg on Donut Steel’s back and they disappeared. The solar eclipse shook again signaling that the pan-dimensional portal had been crossed through, and the eclipse ended.
Are you finally finished? Good, it’s time to go on maneuvers, Flash.
